Governor Swann lets Elizabeth out of jail where he's set up a passage to London for her. He also bluntly points out that he hates Will with a passion that any father about to get his daughter deflowered would have. Beckett's MANSERVANT arrests Gov'ner and kills the captain of the "safe passage" ship. Elizabeth gets away.
Beckett: Oh no. Someone stole my Letters of Marque. -palms face-
Elizabeth: That would be me. -Points gun-
Beckett: Oh right. Well I better make them valid. I should also touch a soft spot and insinuate that you care dearly about saving Jack and you defensively retort...
Elizabeth: TO SAVE WILL!!!
Beckett: Suuuuure. By the way, the puckering does nothing for me love... so just... no. Stop. STOP! AH! The TORTURE! The pain!
Elizabeth: Leaves.
END SCENE
Pintel and Ragetti are on a small boat. They shortly explain that they escaped prison which gives reason for why they are in this movie and not dead... like it seemed like they would be at the end of the first one. They speak intelligently about religion and the dichotomy of good and evil when all of a sudden they decide to take the Black Pearl which is STILL stationed at Cannibal Island.
END DESCRIPTION
Approximately twelve crew men in two separate bone cages dangle over a huge tropical canyon.
Will: Holy crap! We're in bone cages! We're dangling over a huge tropical canyon! Why did Jack do this to meee. After all we've been through. -Begins to sob like the little girl that he is-
Mr. Gibbs: Pipe down! Slaps Will.
Will: Immediately stops.
Mr. Gibbs: You see, the cannibals think Jack looks like a drunken gay peacock. Hence the eyes drawn on his cheeks. The peacock is quite a delicacy in the Pelegostos culture.
Will: So they're going to make hot bird/man love to him?
Mr. Gibbs: -sigh-... No Will... no no...
Will: Listen! I want a piece of that action, and I think y'all do too! So we have to get out of these bone cages!
END SCENE
Jack: My name JACK! JACK is KING! JACK KING OFF! Pardon, JACK KING OF LAND! So give me one spanking hot FLAME PIT!
Jack runs like hell.
Jack: Oh huzzah! A... a... hut! That's unusual! With erm, rope! Even MORE unusual! And a shaker of Paprika? FINALLY! Something that should be on an isolated jungle island! Wobble.
Cannibals: Mmmm... tasty meaaat! We FIND YOU! You try and RUN! WE catch you! HAHA! Silly FOOOOD.
Jack: Oh beep OKAY! I am going to be clever now and put the seasoning on my armpits!!! HAHAHA!!! I AM TOO GOOD! I'll also be a little gay and smell myself!
Cannibals: FI-RAH! Tie Jack to big... long... stick! PUT OVER FLAME! HUZZAH!
Jack: But! Didn't I amuse you with my seasoning spiel?
Cannibals: Grin with gleeee!
Fangirls: Rip hair out of scalps. Johnny Depp? Tied to a big...long...stick? ZOMGWTFSOGOOD!
Jack: That's hot. ... The fire is too.
END SCENE
After losing the less attractive pirates in the other bone cage due to the snappage of some very weak rope, Will, Mr. Gibbs, etc. roll their cage throughout the jungle while being chased by a buttload of cannibals.
Will: FUN!
Mr. Gibbs: WOOT!
Tree: WATCH WHERE YOU'RE GOING!
Canyon: Come play with me rolling ball!
Hamster: It's SO not as fun as it looks... --
Water: Even though you all just fell hundreds of feet at a very high speed, I am going to miraculously break your fall! And let you out of that bone cage too.
Will: Thanks Water! Hey everyone, let's go impossibly dodge every single arrow that flies at us!
END SCENE
Jack escapes from his fiery flame pit... still attached to the big long stick.
Jack: COCONUTS! Now I am going to amaze you audience with my kickass gymnastic skills that I have never revealed to anyone until this fateful day!
Cannibal Women: Not Anused. Throw fruit.
Jack: STOP THROWING FRUITY BALLS AT MY FACE! I get enough of that from Will! Luckily, I know how to counter that. You just have to know how to position your big...long... stick right between each fruity ball.
Cannibal Women: DIE! WE GO KILL YOU AND TURN YOU INTO HUMAN SHISH KABOB!!!
Jack: Flys through the air. Amazingly does not break a single bone falling hundreds of feet and crashing into every bridge that (as the writers would like us to believe) break his fall. Nearly misses a shish kabobbing through some body tissue. Ouch.
Jack voodoo doll: And what part do I play in all of this? Why am I on the poster then...
END SCENE
Will: Where's Will? I mean Jack! I mean me?! I mean... beep I don't know what's going on but I DON'T WANT TO LEAVE WITHOUT THAT UMM... PROTRACTOR THING!!!
Jack kills a puppy with keys and is chased by more cannibals but makes it to the Black Pearl. They sail off.
Will: Jack... give me your compass or SUFFER THE CONSEQUENCES!
Jack: Which would be?
Will: Well, umm... that would be, erm... ELIZABETH DYING!
Jack: Ooh! Thank goodness. I thought you were going to throw your fruity balls at me again.
Will: It's NOT THE TIME for that Jack. -pout-
Jack: Fine, my boy, then why the hell should I give two beep about What's Her Face?
Will: Because!
Jack: Listen. You're going to risk limb and life, go out and get me this key which belongs to Davy Jones, (the DEVIL of the sea), and then I'll give you this wee little compass. So be a good lil' girl and comply, savvy?
Will: OKAY! -grins excitedly- Hee!
Jack: Gibby! Let's go the swamp.
END SCENE
On a non-pirate ship sailing away from Port Royal.
Ugly Sailor: Oh my god! Uglier Sailor, I found us a dress!
Uglier Sailor: WOOT! Now we can play those kinky dress-up games like we used to! Down below we go!
Ugliest Sailor: NO! It's totally mine! -grab-

Captain of the HONEST but ugly ship: NO! There's a naked virgin stowaway with pent-up sexual desires that is on our ship!
Boy! Elizabeth: BUAHAHAHAHA! Now that my cleavage isn't popping out of my dress, no one can see the breast shading! So now they look small. I'm so happy I can be a young boy! Now I can finally please Will!
END SCENE
Crew of the Black Pearl rowing in boats up a SCARY DARK DANK SWAMP!
Will: Mr. Gibbs... could you please inform me what the hell is going on. Like, I don't know! And I don't know why I don't know! -Voice gets shrill, pace quickens. Much like Michael Jackson- We're in this really narrow lake thing and sometimes I get so confused I just don't know what to do... and I... and I! -eyes tear up-
Mr. Gibbs: William... we're in a swamp. We don't want to go out to open sea because then a giant sea monster will suction your pretty face off.
Will: -palms face- Oh my god! Not my face!
Iguana: Pst... BOO!
Will: AAAHHHH!!!! -cough- No, Will, remember what I told you about screaming like that. That's why you have to be noble! -slap self-
Jack and Gibbs get off boats because they have arrived at TIA DALMA's LOVE SHACK!
Jack: Oh dear. Must. Protect. Front.
Will: Why? Did you steal her boat? I hope she SLAPS YOU!
Jack enters Love Shack.
Tia Dalma: Jack beep Twist!
Jack: Sorry Tia, I'm no Jake Gyllenhaul.
Readers not aquainted with Brokeback Mountain: ... I don't...know. -Closes Internet Browser-
Tia Dalma: Oooh, Jaaaack. I always knowed you would blow wind in my back for me one day. Looks at Will who has gotten over his girly kick and has decided to be manly and noble again for the time being.
Will: Raises eyebrows, smirks, and pouts.
Tia Dalma: YOU! You dair! All manly and pretty! WILLIAM... TURNAH!
Will: You speak raise-eyebrow/smirk/pout talk?
Tia Dalma: What service may I do you? Better yet, can I do you?
Audience: Isn't she being a bit forward for a Disney movie?
Jack: -gasp!- TIA! I demand you tell me where to find the key of Davy Jones while I swagger around a bit and steal your rings just so the camera can show that you have a LOCKET shaped like a crab.
Tia: Jack, do you haf a black spot or not?
Jack: Umm.. no?
Tia: DAVY JONES! He twas a great sailor! And den he fell in love...
Will: With Jack?!
Tia: No... with a woMAN.
Will: Yeah! So with Jack?!
Tia: And den she broke him heart so he cut it out of him and locked it away in de chest. Jack... you need this... Hands Jack the infamous JAR OF DIRT! A touch of DESTINY will show you where the Flying Doucheman is.
END SCENE
The Black Pearl is in the middle of a big wet storm and it looks out onto a ship run aground on a reef.
Will: That's... the Flying Doucheman?
Jack: No Will, it's the Flying Dutchman.
Will: Oh. Then where's the Flying Douche—
Jack: William, just STFU and get me the damn key.
Will: Okay! Hee!
Will rows over to the RunAground Ship.
Will: Oy! You sailor! Where's the key of Davy Jones?
Sailor: Oh my god! It's going to SUCK YOUR PRETTY FACE OFF! The FOUL BREATH!!!
Will: Well that's rather rude. -reaches in pocket, gets out a mentos and pops in mouth- There... better? Hoh.
Guy with face SUCTIONED OFF!: Hello. -throb-
Will: Holy beep
Davy Jones' undead sailor AKA Barnacle Boy: BOO!
Will: HOLY SHIIIIT!!!!
A BUNCH of undead soldiers surround Will.
Will: No matter, no matter! I am going to SCARE you all away with my FLAME SWORD! HA HA! Get back!
Hard Object: COLLIDES WITH WILL'S HEAD. Will lays motionless and knocked-out.
END SCENE
Will is now awake with five other men on their knees surrounded by the undead crew of Davy Jones.
Davy Jones' Peg Leg: THUD!
Davy Jones: I... am Davy Jones-Zah! Join me, and I'll postpone your death-tha! -snort-
Will: Teehee. -mumble-talkfunnyteehee-mumble-
Davy Jones: YOU! You look too sexy to be dead or dying...why are you here?
Will: To SAVE THE WOMAN I LOVE! And Jack Sparrow.
Jack looks on through his telescope.
Davy Jones: Boo-yah.
Jack: Oh! You're here? Listen mate, how about I trade my soul for 100 other souls. Savvy?
Davy Jones: You've got three days-zah. And I keep the kinky boy. I SHALL REMOVE BLACK SPOT NOW! -leaves-
Jack: Gibby, we have need to go to Tortuga to gather up some souls... and another kinky boy. -sad face-
END SCENE
Elizabeth's stowaway ship in the night.
FLYING DRESS: LOOK AT ME!
Captain of the HONEST but ugly ship: Oh my god! It's a sign!
Ugly Sailor: What does it mean?
Boy!Elizabeth: Luckily, I have managed to put a lamp in the exact position that when I knock it over with this Flying Dress of mine, the oil that I have put on the deck and spelled Tortuga with will catch fire! I am SOOOO NIFTY!
Ugliest Sailor: Dude, we're going to Tortuga.
END SCENE
Tortuga. Gibbs sits before a line of Sailor Hopefuls for the Black Pearl. Jack sits with compass.
Gibbs: So what makes you worthy to crew the Black Pearl?
Sailor Hopeful #1: I defeated Lord Voldemort.
Gibbs: Lord... who? Nevermind. You're Perfect! Next! So... tell me the same.
Sailor Hopeful #2: I destroyed the ring of power.
Gibbs: And... erm, how did you destroy this -chuckle- ring of power?
Sailor Hopeful #2: The fire of Mordor of course.
Gibbs: You'll fit right in... So, what's your story?
Sailor Hopeful #3 James Norrington: -low grumble- I used to have a stick up my butt and a big powdery wig on my head that looked like it was grown from Governer Swann's ass. Then I lost my skank fiancé, a fine hot lil' number, to a pretty boy who I had always previously thought was gay. I proceeded allowing the pretty boy, the wench, and this scallywag pirate get away. For some unknown and non-addressable reason, I changed my mind about being a good guy and decided to sail after Captain Jack and his crew in order to hang him. Unfortunately, my complete change of character left me being a dumbass and I sailed through a hurricane. Hah! That lost me my crew, my post, and most importantly, my buttsilk wig.
Gibbs: ...Commodore?
Scruffy!Norrington: Do you really not recognize me because of all this newly found hot manly scruffiness? It's true, underneath this sexy dirty exterior, I am the ex-COMMODORE!
Audience: Oh my gah—GASP!
Fan Girls: ZOMGWTFORLANDOWHO?SOGOOD! Scruffy!
Jack: Oh my gawd. It's a sort of uncomfortable when you're feeling so hot for someone who used to look like your grandmother on testosterone pills.
Norrington: So anyway, do I make your crew even sexier, or not? Am I worthy to sail under the man that single-handedly destroyed my stuffy life? Or should I just bang him now? -Cocks Pistol-
Jack: Mr. Gibbs! Inform this man that he is to take up the post of Kinky Boy. And let's run away now!
Norrington's Pistol: FI-RAH!
Drunken Man's Bottle: EXPLODE!
Tortuga: Has a brawl.
Jack: I shall steal everyone's hats and leave!
Norrington: Who wants some of this sexiness?! Come on! I'll have all of you. Just line up one... by... one.
Tortuga People: SQUEE!
Elizabeth: I WANT SOME OF THAT! ZOMG, why did I dump you?! Back off bitches! Oh no! The only way to get dear Scruffington out of this mess is to knock him unconscious! Buahaha... now to the pig sty... to get down and dirty in the mud.
Norrington lies face down in the muddy pig sty while Elizabeth hovers over his body.
Elizabeth: Oh Norry, look what the world did to you! You're so freaking screwable!
END SCENE