Chapter 10: Predisposed

Christian was starting to wonder why Kimber didn't come early in the morning as she always did till he saw her through the glass door. Gail. His mother. He was hoping for this, but very surprised to see her there. His heart was beating so wildly he was thankful he wasn't on the monitor.

She was hesitating and that gave him the time to get himself ready for the encounter. He reached for a sick bowl and hung onto it with one hand tightly as if feeling very sick, put his other hand on his stomach and closed his eyes just in time before the door opened. He continued with the show breathing heavily and moaning quietly every time he exhaled. There was no other noise for a while, but that didn't confuse him. He kept doing the same thing till he heard her sitting down on the nearby chair Kimber always used. He fluttered his eyelids, but didn't completely open his eyes just yet, "Kimber?" He asked weakly. Then he slowly focused his eyes on the person sitting next to him and lightly shook his head showing the surprise that he really felt, "what are you doing here? I am dying or something?" He didn't sound reproachful however, just stunned.

"No. I'm…I'm sorry I didn't wanna disturb. I thought you were asleep…eee…your wife called me frantic with concern and I also…well. I didn't have a chance to really explain things to you last time because my children…my other children were about."

"So you came to explain to me why you can't see me?" He was looking into her eyes with a pleading look that she found it difficult not to cringe under them, then he turned away, hurt. He squeezed his eyes moaning after the sudden movement as if in distress.

Gail reached forward and took Christian's hand firmly in her own in a moment of guilt and affection, "I'm not like any other person who gave their children up for adoption. I was forced into several situations I didn't want to be in. Everything was coming at me all at once. I was weighed down. I made a choice that at the time was what I believed to be the best for you. I didn't think I could raise you given the circumstances. I handed you over hoping somebody else would be the mother for you I felt that I could not be."

"That was then. I understood that. What I didn't understand was last year."

"Finding out you turned out fine and a good, successful person was the greatest gift anyone has ever given me. I never thought that could be possible. It was a huge shock, a big change having you around. I wasn't ready for it. But I am now. I'll be here if you need me."

"You can't…." His voice was dry and disheartened, like somebody's who can't be bothered with the effort for something that was pointless. He was going to tell her that she couldn't promise that. She did bounce back before. But he couldn't. There was a certain part of him that needed to believe her. He needed to believe that he wasn't this total waste of time for her. Because if she should change her mind…it didn't matter now. He would take what was offered. Give it another go, maybe the last one. So he pressed the button for the nurse, he pressed it three times for effect. Sighing softly he leaned back on the bed, waiting for the nurse to arrive while trying to sort out his conflicting feelings. He didn't really believe it was possible, but if he was going to keep his mother he needed to push forward, he needed to delude her into thinking he was feeling worse. It worked with Kimber, and Gail was a woman too.

She pulled back, some bit of her wishing to leave already, but she was stuck watching him, searching his face, the face she hated for reminding her of her abuser, for signs of discomfort. She didn't dare to say anything thinking she was intruding and he didn't want her around and her heart almost froze at the image in front of her. She could make out a painful expression on his face, but a different kind that was telling of so much more anguish compared to the physical suffering evident on his face. She bowed her head, lost as to what she could do other than leave and the whole thing lying forever. She wasn't like other mothers who left their children behind, she really wasn't. It wasn't that she couldn't care. She spent so much time trying to convince herself of that, being the perfect mother for her other two. But deep inside she knew she couldn't ever make up for it with them, it was Christian she needed to be a mother for. It was Christian she needed to forgive her so she could forgive herself.

"Could I have more Dicyclomine?" Christian addressed the incoming nurse. It wasn't unusual for him to ask for the anticholinergic, he frequently did, whether he really needed it or not. It was a good way of lying about the amount of pain he was in.

"Cramps?" The overweight nurse inquired.

Christian nodded, "yeah."

"I'll check when it was administered last."

Christian nodded again, knowing well that the night nurse had given him a shot not so long ago and as the recommended intramuscular dose was 80 mg daily in 4 equally divided doses he was sure the answer would be no.

"Oh, I'm sorry," the nurse said, "you can have some in a little while..."

He shook his head, "I need more medication."

"Do you want me to call Dr. Wolfow to see what else he could prescribe you? Okay."

"Have you seen my wife?"

"No, not yet. I'll call Dr. Wolfow and than come back and take your vitals, he might need to assess you again."

When she left deep silence engulfed the room for even longer than before. Christian was looking away, blankly staring at the iv taped to his hand. Gail was studying all the medical equipment without actually seeing what was there as well, not having enough courage to look back to his face fearing she'll see those despondent blue eyes. She suddenly jumped up nervously thankful for Kimber to arrive, "maybe it's not the right time," she whispered to her in the door, "he wants you and he's in too much pain to have a conversation. I'll just go."

"Oh...ok," Kimber was confused at first, then called after her, "are you…are you gonna come back?" Christian will give her the time of it if this was an unsuccessful visit, but what was this about him being in pain that much? She glanced with worry in the door, Christian was still staring at his arm. She needed to get to him.

"Tomorrow," Gail gave her a small smile, rushing out. She knew she didn't convince Kimber, but today she really couldn't explain anything. She was going to come the next day and every day, till he was better, till she made it all up to him.

Tbc