Disclaimer: I own nothing - you know the drill.
The Crucification of the English Language
They arrive at Hogwarts in a blaze of darkness. Reader please note that this is the only time when it will be night-time in fic-world since it is sucking precious paragraphs that could be wasted on the way the sunlight shines on Ginny's multi-coloured, multi-tonal highlights (that are so natural), or Draco's immaculate sexiness.
However, we shall have to make do.
The darkness highlighted Ginny's fiery red hair making it stand out like a halo around her head. We shall conveniently ignore the fact that this would make her look like the devil possessed and move onto Draco.
He sloped off the train with the traditional entourage of females hanging on his every smirk. Pansy is there also and she is ANNOYING. The fact that Draco has been shagging her senseless for the past god-knows-how-long is also conveniently overlooked and since Pansy is ANNOYING she does not get a description, merely the aforementioned adjective.
Skip ugly, hairy Hagrid and the magic coach trip because now, without further ado, the Sorting will take place.
The Hat sings a song;
Blah blah blah Hogwarts,
Blah blah blah blah,
Blah blah blah Hufflepuff,
Blah blah blah blah,
Blah blah blah Ravenclaw,
Blah blah blah blah,
Gryffindor is the best,
Better than the rest,
Slytherin is cool,
Too cool to be in school.
And now, having wowed the readers with her poetic inspiration the author quickly speeds through the various first years dropping a few Tiffany's, Tracy's and Melissa's around to demonstrate that she is HAS thought about their names.
Finally McGonagall (yes, because she is there too) calls out "Antidisestablishmentarianism, Mary-Sue" and Elle wanders over to the hat.
She promptly throws a tantrum because the hat clashes with her knickers, McGonagall didn't pronounce her name correctly ("MarIE – Sooooo"), the fit guy on the Ravenclaw table isn't eyeing up her skirt like he's supposed to and the author hasn't made ONE reference to her hair tints this chapter.
After a quick colour-changing spell done with a little wandless magic on Ginny's part and a few allusions to how Elle's hair has a curious ability to flash through blonde, red and black depending on what lights she's viewed in, the hat goes on her head.
Despite the fact that Elle seems to have the intelligence of a Ravenclaw, the loyalty of a Hufflepuff, the ambition of a Slytherin and the bravery of a Gryffindor the hat decides that she should go in "GRYFFINDOR!" (N.B. Author thinks that she would be in Gryffindor too. Because Daniel Radcliffe is sooo fit. Also for the reader's information this is the biggest reference to character expansion that Elle will have throughout the rest of this harrowing story so let her bask in its glory for a short while)
Ginny of course is overjoyed but never doubted it for a second and welcomes Elle to her seat. Ron promptly blushes because he's STUPID and Harry stares at Elle for awhile because he's MOODY. Hermoninny welcomes Elle because she's BOSSY, and that's all we really need to know about them for the time being.
Dumbledore stands up. He is OLD. He starts his ramble; "Ramble, ramble, ramble, Voldemort, ramble ramble, Harry Potter, ramble, rambling rambler rambles." He then looks straight at Ginny and says "And Ginny Weasley did so well on her OWLs last year that she is being moved up the seventh year and will take all advanced classes, including advanced Potions because Severus has decided that actually, despite her family, looks and inability to boil a potion, she is actually his best student ever. Next to Draco Malfoy. But only just." Coincidentally this means that Ginny will be in ALL Draco's classes – imagine that!
The whole hall claps and Ron smiles at Ginny. But he is still STUPID. Hermoninny looks jealous because she likes to boss people around. Ginny catches Draco's eye and he winks at her because suddenly the fact that she is clever (despite not being able to string a coherent sentence together as of yet) means she is BEAUTIFUL. Ginny glares at him because obviously this blatant flirting is some kind of insult to her family.
Elle is also in seventh year because Ginny is. That is all the reason we need.
Finally the feast is over and the house elves have finally managed to cart all of Ginny's shoes and hair straightening equipment to her dorm room. Ginny and Elle leave the hall, Ginny's hair flashing fiery-scarlet-red in the candlelight and Elle's hair doing a quick tap-dance through blonde to black.
Draco watches them go, wondering where Ginny has been all his life/adolescence/fantasies/Hogwarts years. Suddenly he realises that he has been MEAN to her in the past and regrets every mean thing ever said. Since this is dangerously bordering on character development and plot development, the Author sends him back to the safe territory of wondering how her hair got so red and her boobs so big.
Mysteriously a really good-looking boy, with good-looking hair, eyes and muscles stands next to Draco. This may or may not be Blaise Zambini (his surname often has an annoying habit of misspelling itself) but regardless of their name they are also sexy. But NOT as sexy as Draco.
Conveniently he is also looking for a girlfriend, but he only wants one whose hair can flash every colour of the rainbow at a moment's notice. This means that Elle is his soul-mate. But he knows that she is so good, pure, clever, kind, loving, intelligent, loyal, friendly, interesting and soft-spoken (despite the fact that she's barely strung two sentences together at all. In fact all she's done is throw a tantrum so far) that she would NEVER be interested in him. Actually she must hate him.
So now he loves her and must win her over. Then they will be Hogwarts second cutest, sexiest, hottest couple. After Ginny and Draco of course.
Now Draco and Blaise head to bed as well because the rest of the school is too busy being ignored, the teachers are off for a game of strip poker, Ginny, Elle and their two mostly-pretty roommates Catrinalyiannaeisa and Theryllusingthesde (or Cat and Thez) are fast asleep and the vast-majority of readers have long since committed suicide in a vain hope to escape the hopeless drivel that has been written so far (N.B. the Author sends her condolences but hopes that you'll review anyway, because "lik im such a todally gd writer and -pointless giggle- such lik a review slutt")
In the distance, English Novelists begin to spin slowly in their graves as the Author decides to continue crucifying the English language for the next chapter…