Disclaimer: You know what I'm saying - nothing is mine!
Problems in Plotland – Part A: In which the story is laid bare
The day dawned bright and clear. It was not raining and neither will it rain unless something goes terribly wrong with the characters and the story and we are forced to talk about the weather for longer than we should.
Ginny woke up and put on some muggle clothing because, despite the fact that wizards wear robes and Hogwarts witches and wizards have school uniform, we have decided to screw mercilessly with canon and the plot and their first day of school is, in fact, a Sunday. The muggle clothing she decided to put on, however, deserves a whole paragraph of its own.
It was black, because that signifies her new attitude and, whatever way it's cut, it displays ample amounts of cleavage and leg. So much in fact that the mirror shatters on first sight. Ginny lazily reparo's it with a little wandless magic. Ginny surveys herself in the newly-stuck-together mirror and marvels at how much she has changed. She has curves worthy of the Silverstone grand prix track, eyes deeper than a vacuum and lips the colour of rubies. Her freckles are seductive but adorable on their off-days and her hair falls in gentle waves to the small of her back curled in such a way that it looks natural despite the fact that you can barely move in the dormitory without falling over some curling tongs. Obviously she wakes up this way; not a hair out of place and more attitude than a rutting stallion. The mirror shatters a second time but this time in an appeal to Ginny to extract herself from the self-absorbed stupor she is in.
Elle wakes up next, trips over a pair of stilettos and promptly knock herself out on the doorpost, narrowly avoiding being impaled by some straighteners. Ginny laughs and her laugh is like the tinkle of heavenly wind chimes. She wakes and heals Elle with another hand wave of wandless magic (seeing a pattern?) and without further ado they set off for breakfast leaving poor Thez and Cat to brave the aggressive room of electrical beauty on their own.
In the common room the two friends meet Harry, Ron and Hermoninny. Harry's mouth drops open in a moody but appreciative way, Ron goes stupidly red, Hermoninny blends into the wallpaper and the Author discovers direct speech (batter down the hatches);
"How can you wear such an outfit! You're a disgrace to the Weasley name! I don't know what's got into you this year Ginny! You're so different!" Ron shouts, making even himself cringe at the copious use of exclamation marks.
"You're stupid," Ginny observes, beginning to get angry.
"Yes, I am stupid! You can't go out like that! You look like a slut!"
"I am a slut," his sister screeched back her face going the same colour as her hair (Author congratulates herself on her originality). "And I think Draco Malfoy fancies me. So there." (N.B. Damn, did I just give away the plotline?)
Ron spits a few nails. Ginny stalks off with her overfull ego trundling behind. Harry scowls. Hermoninny gauges that it might be safe to reappear from being part of the wallpaper. Harry scowls some more.
"What are you scowling at? Harry!" Ron asks, beginning to wish the Author would quit giving him direct speech or at very least leave the exclamation mark button alone.
"You're sister's hot," Harry remarked grouchily.
"Well I'd let her be with you! It's the rest of Hogwarts who shouldn't be able to see her like that!" (N.B. Author hopes that readers will not detect her blatant screwing of Ron's tune, character and motivation. But Rupert Grint is soooo cute. Swoon)
"Do you have to sound so upbeat the whole time?"
Ginny flounces into the hall with Elle right behind her, trying not to be crushed by the redhead's virulent attitude problems.
Draco watches her walk in and manages to complete various comparisons of her to fiery angels and seductive sprites before she's so much as sniffed at the croissants. Without warning the Author will now cut to his inner monologue;
How can I possibly like her? She's everything I've been taught to hate. But she's just so beautiful and pure. And great in the sack no doubt. I wonder what my father would say? Oh no I forgot. He beats me. Oh crap, that was meant to be a dramatic part of character development later on. I will stop thinking now.
True to his word, he does. The Author, however, will not stop writing.
Meanwhile, Elle is feeling that little bit left out since all she has completed so far this chapter is being sent unconscious by a pair of stilettos. She decides this is the time to assert her big diva-attitude. But not as big as Ginny's.
"I want to be a part of Gryffindor quidditch team," she announces, loudly.
"Can't," grunts Seamus (because he's cute. And Scottish) "Team's full."
"It's not," corrected Elle. "There are two Chaser positions open for me and Ginny."
"Seamus and I are two of the Chasers," Dean told her.
Deftly, both characters are hereby swallowed by a giant plot hole (they're not that cute).
"Of course you can be on the Gryffindor quidditch team," said Neville, surprised at his sudden entrance into the dialogue. "The tryouts are on Saturday."
"Good," Elle is satisfied with the way things are and her hair calms from a rapid flicking through blonde and brown to a more conservative auburn.
Feeling somewhat confident, Neville decides to make conversation. "Did you know that Dean and Seamus just got sucked into fanfiction oblivion?"
He is rather less surprised to find himself quickly ejected from the direct dialogue.
Elle and Ginny look at each other. The Author is bored of direct speech: there's too much punctuation to remember.
Did you know I'm psychic? Elle sends to Ginny.
Yes, me too came the reply.
They stare at each other in wonder and, despite the fact that Ginny is more psychic than Elle, they feel at peace with the world. Pity that that can't be said about the readers.
And now, except for that pesky little plotless problem, this fic is practically flawless. The Author thanks you graciously for sticking around for yet another dose of force-fed fanfiction and assures you that yes; it is all her own work (you wouldn't have guessed?).
Next chapter: Blaise and Draco plot, Ginny and Elle tryout, Ginny's kick-ass pet makes an appearance and Ron exclaims some more.
Real Author's note: I can't believe people are actually reading this! It's crazy. If you are in any way insulted read the note I've posted on my profile (and sorry). Hope you enjoyed this recent application to lala land for a license because it really is quite fun to write )