Chapter 32

Nightwing stood in the open door of their bedroom, leaning with his back against the door frame watching Starfire. She was curled up on one of the armchairs in their room, the blankets pulled around her until only her face could be seen. She'd been staring at the same spot on the wall for at least an hour now. The uneaten tray of food still sat on the floor.

"No change?" Beast Boy asked quietly.

Nightwing glanced over at him. "No."

Beast Boy sighed sadly. "Want me to sit with her for a while? Give you a break?"

"I'm not exactly sitting with her now," he said rather miserably. "But yeah, go on in. I might be overcrowding her or something like that. You're probably the least invasive of all of us."

Beast Boy frowned. "I'm what now?"

"He means, get your animal ass in there, jump on her lap and purr," Raven told him, sounding stern.

"Oh. Right." Beast Boy changed into a cat and nipped into the room. He walked up to Starfire meowing quietly, his tail twitching. He reached her chair, placed one paw up on the blanket and raised himself up on his back legs, stretching up toward her as he meowed once more.

Nightwing held his breath until Starfire finally moved. Her arms crept out of the blankets and gathered the green cat into her arms. She pulled him up and onto her lap before she started stroking him absently.

Nightwing looked over at Raven. "I don't like this, I don't like this at all."

She nodded. "I know. Give her time. It's only been three days. It's going to take her a long time to get over this."

"She needs to eat."

"We can't force her."

"Why not?" he muttered and Raven cast him a withering look. He scowled back before sighing and dropped his eyes. "Has she said anything to you at all?"

Raven echoed his sigh. "No."

"Me either. She's said nothing since she had those dreams. Her mind's closed down. She's barely even looked at me. She doesn't react when I touch her. If it wasn't for your sleep spells she wouldn't even be doing that."

"Look, she's been severely traumatized, she almost died, she thought she'd killed you. That was the step that took her over the edge. It was too much for her to deal with all at once, so she's retreating. If this is what she has to do to cope, then this is what we let her do. Until we can figure something better out."

He huffed in frustration. "You were there with her the whole time and you haven't had the sort of delayed reaction she's had. You saw the kinds of things that happened, why aren't you staring vacantly at the wall?"

"I'm not Starfire." She frowned and tried to explain. "Only the four of us know exactly how bad it was in there, the other Titans, Cyborg included only saw her kill two. Both Beast Boy and I already know an evil exists inside us. Mine from my father, his is that were-wolf thing. We have both comes to terms with what lies within and we both agree that if we were in her situation, we would have done the same thing. It's hard, but we understand. And she did not hurt us. Not once. She protected us with every ounce of her strength. That's what we choose to remember." She sighed sadly. "Beast Boy has nightmares and I can't sleep. But we'll get over it."

Nightwing sighed and reach out and touched her lightly on the shoulder. "I'm sorry, Raven. I've been so wrapped up in Starfire that I didn't think about the two of you."

Raven nodded and Nightwing was surprised when she moved in for a hug. He brought his arms around her hesitantly and rested his chin on her head.

"As it should be," Raven murmured softly into his chest. "She's the one hurting the most. Beast Boy and I are helping each other through this and its only making us stronger. But Starfire has never done anything remotely like this before. She's never harbored evil inside. And somehow through all the badness, she remained Starfire. She didn't torture; she didn't kill any innocents. Believe me, there were a few servants and slaves down there that she turned away from. I think that if it had of been me, I would have been more ruthless, more brutal. Better that she did what she did than submit to what they wanted her to do."

Nightwing looked at her, his eyes unreadable. "Maybe you need to tell her this, not me. It could help."

Raven nodded, her arms tight on his waist. "I intend to, once she opens up a bit. Lets us in."

Nightwing looked back at Starfire who had turned her head toward the door to look at them blankly, her hand still absently stroking the green cat on her lap. "At least she's letting Beast Boy in."

Raven's mouth twitched to a smile and she lifted her head off his chest to look at him. "I don't know how you can stand her in there with her hands all over my boyfriend."

Nightwing blanched, before scowling at her. "That wasn't nice."

She grinned wickedly before sobering. "How are you doing?"

"I'm fine," he said sharply.

Raven narrowed her eyes. "No, you're not."

"It doesn't matter how I'm doing. She's the only thing that matters. I'll be alright as long as she is."

"Nightwing, you can't hide behind your worry for her. You need to deal with what happened too."

He dropped his arms to his side, releasing her but she hung on. "Raven, drop it."

"No."

He snarled and bared his teeth at her. "I let those fucking monsters get their hands on her again. She was counting on me and I failed her. I am never going to forgive myself for that. Everything that she went through is my goddamn fault. Is that what you wanted to hear?"

"It's not your fault. It's not anyone's fault but the Citadels. They did this to her."

Nightwing leant his head back onto the door frame and he brushed away the tear that betrayed him. "She thinks we'll turn on her because she killed. Because it goes against everything I stand for, that the Titans stand for. I can't make her see that it doesn't matter, because I know it wasn't her. I know how out of control she was; it was leaking over to me the whole time. I know how much it killed her to destroy those monsters. I saw the self-loathing in her eyes in her dreams. I can't make her see that I don't care because I'm just too damn ecstatic that she's still alive."

Raven rested her head on Nightwing's chest again. "She'll be al lright, Nightwing. She will. She has to be. It's just going to take time that's all."

His arms came around Raven again and rested his chin on her head, keeping his eyes on Starfire. "Oh god, I hope so. I just… I want my Star back."

Starfire blinked at him and something shifted in her face but Nightwing wasn't sure what.

Fyria dropped down to the balcony, carrying Cyborg, who in turn had his arms filled with pies. He turned and smiled at Fyria, talking with her softly for a while before she lifted into the air once more. Cyborg turned and walked toward Nightwing and Raven, glancing at them curiously as they hugged.

Nightwing raised an eyebrow at the pies in Cyborg's arms.

"Zorkaberry pies," Cyborg said, answering the unasked question. "You want her to eat, right? Well I figured we might have better luck if we all went in there with her favorite food and ate with her. Fyria made these up for us. Said they were Star's favorite and if we keep talking about them, she might try some. She said it's worked before."

"Can't hurt to try," Raven said, pulling away from Nightwing. "Nothing else is working. Maybe she just needs a carefree environment for a while."

Nightwing shrugged and stepped away from the doorway. "Okay."

"Yo!" Cyborg cried lumbering into the room and dumping the armload of pies on the small table by the window. "Pie!"

A green cat popped out from within the blankets, changing back into Beast Boy on the floor. "What kind of pie?" he asked his eyes shining, before he pulled a face. "It's not meat is it?"

"Is there any other kind of pie?" Cyborg asked innocently as Raven and Nightwing crossed the room to join them.

"Course there is," Beast Boy retorted. "Hello! Best pies are the fruit ones. Like apple, or blackberry, or peach. Rhubarb is nice."

"Pfft," Cyborg snorted tossing Beast Boy a pie. "That's not pie, that's dessert. You have those with ice cream. 'Sides, this is zorkaberry pie. When on Tamaran, do as the Tamaranians do." He crammed a pie into his mouth, grinning goofily at Beast Boy.

Nightwing grabbed a pie and passed it to Raven, who sat on the other armchair in the room, while he grabbed another pie for himself. He slouched on the floor at the base of Starfire's chair, his back against it and caught the fork that Cyborg tossed to him. He stabbed the fork into the pie and cut out a large piece before he stuffed it into his mouth. "Hmm," he said, swallowing the piece. "This is nice pie." He eyed the room carefully. "And no Mother Mae-Eye appearing… so, I think I'll have another bite."

Raven cut herself a delicate piece of the pie as she balanced the pie tin on her knees and daintily ate a bite.

"That's not how you eat a pie, Raven," Beast Boy said, grinning, his mouth dripping with pink zorkaberry juice. "You gotta guzzle it!"

She wrinkled her nose at him. "I've never guzzled anything in my life and I'm not about to start now. Pies like this need to be savored. Who made these ones again, Cyborg?"

Cyborg gulped loudly as he swallowed another bite. "Fyria. I've heard she makes the best zorkaberry pies on Tamaran."

Starfire stirred.

Nightwing took another large bite of his pie before stacking his fork once more. "I agree, these are the best pies on Tamaran. Hey Star, wanna bite?" He leaned his head back so he could see her, holding his stacked fork aloft. She blinked down at him. "No? Okay, more for me," he said as he dropped the fork toward his mouth.

She moved so fast he nearly missed it and suddenly his fork was empty of pie.

"Oh, lookie here," Nightwing said, blinking at his fork in mock surprise. "I must have dropped my pie." He dug out another forkful of pie and stuffed it in his mouth.

Starfire moved again, placing on foot on the floor beside Nightwing. He grinned and winked secretly at his carefully watching friends as he took another bite of the pie.

Starfire's other foot came down to the floor.

He picked up another fork full and smacked his lips together exaggeratedly, holding the fork out in front of his mouth.

Starfire's head came over his shoulder and her mouth closed over the fork.

"Oh, do you want some, Star?" he said mildly as she slid off the seat and onto the floor to kneel beside him, pulling the blankets down with her. She eyed him and took his offering of pie.

Nightwing carefully fed her the remains of his pie, with Cyborg and Beast Boy creating idle chatter about computer games and somehow started another meat and tofu battle. He surreptitiously reached for another pie once his was finished and fed that to her as well.

She was on her third pie when she suddenly sat back and looked at him and Nightwing saw a flicker of her old self in her eyes. She sighed and sat down beside him, her back to the chair and placed her head on his shoulder. "That was devious."

Nightwing helped himself to a bite of pie, feigning indifference even though his heart was quietly rejoicing. "What was? If you don't want pie, that's fine by me. All the more for us."

"Got that right," Beast Boy exclaimed, wiping his face on his arm.

"Eww, that's just gross," Raven complained, curling her lips in disgust.

Beast Boy grinned cheekily, leaned over the distance between the two of them and planted a wet kiss on her lips, coating her face in pink juice.

Raven scowled at him, before picking a pie up with her powers and smashing into his face.

Cyborg cracked up laughing and ended up with a pie in the face for his troubles.

The corner of Starfire's mouth twitched into a smile.

"Think that's funny do you?" Cyborg retorted, tossing a pie at Starfire. She ducked out of the way.

It hit Nightwing in the face. He blinked up at Cyborg, pink juice dripping down his chin, small chunks of pastry plastered onto his face, zorkaberries in his hair.

A tiny giggle escaped from Starfire.

"Right," Nightwing said, snatching up a pie, holding it over Starfire's head.

She eeped and ducked out of the blankets, crawling away. He grabbed her ankle and spun her, so she flopped on her back. He straddled her, one knee on either side of her legs, holding them still and one hand on the floor by her shoulder before he dumped the pie on her face.

She spluttered, wiping the pie from her eyes and off her nose before a ghost of a smile caressed her pink lips. He chuckled at her, before noticing the position they were in. She noticed as well and she wrapped her arms around his neck and pulled him down to her, arching her head up to meet his.

He captured her lips, forgetting their friends were just meters away and settled down on top of her, slowly exploring her mouth and tasting the tang of zorkaberries.

"Can't I just take one more pie?" he heard Cyborg whisper from the doorway to their room and he glanced up at the door without removing his lips from Starfire's.

"No," Raven hissed as she shut the door securely behind them.

Nightwing's eyes slid shut one more and he lost himself in her embrace, determined to stay like this for however long she let him.

She stiffened beneath him, her lips suddenly freezing in place and he pulled away startled. Her face was stark white and shining with sweat and her eyes were tightly closed.

"Star?"

"I cannot," she said, her voice tight with terror. "Trapped."

A flash of understanding surged through him and he grabbed onto her shoulders and rolled them so he was lying on his back and she was on top. He stroked her back gently waiting for the terror to leave her face.

She slowly relaxed against him; before scooting down slightly so she could rest her head against his chest, curling up against him.

"You okay?" he asked after a while as he continued stroking her back.

When no answer was forthcoming he angled his head around so he could look at her face. She was staring vaguely off into the distance one more. He sighed and wished floor wasn't sticky with zorkaberry juice as he settled down to stay there for a while, content to be holding her at least.

TTTTT

Starfire and Nightwing sat on the balcony edge to watch the sunset over the deserts of Tamaran. Nightwing had one foot up behind Starfire's back, the other dangled over the edge precariously and his arm draped around her shoulders. Starfire simply sat there with her hand clasped quietly in her lap staring vaguely off into the distance and Nightwing knew she had retreated into herself again.

Raven stood on the other side of Starfire, leaning on the balcony with her elbows.

He rubbed Starfire's shoulder gently as he watched the orange Tamaranian sun dip lower into the sky. She turned her head to him, seemingly surprised to find him there.

"Robin?" she said quietly.

"Yeah?"

"Can we go home now?"

"Soon, Star," he said quietly. "Galfore wants us to remain here a while longer."

Xhandal was over, there were no more contenders, not that it mattered anymore. There was supposed to be some sort of ceremony, but he didn't really care.

Galfore and Blackfire had lead Tamaran to war with the Citadel. Nightwing suppressed a sigh. He didn't know much beyond that, didn't want to know. Starfire was his concern now. But Galfore had wanted Starfire to remain on Tamaran, just until there was no more threat of the Citadel snatching her again. And Nightwing was going to honor that. As much as he wanted to take her home, he knew she wouldn't be able to heal properly there. There would be Titan alarms to attend, battles to endure. She needed the space and the freedom to heal. They all needed that.

She blinked and shook her head as if to clear it. "I apologise, I should remember that you are no longer Robin."

He chuckled. "Seeing as it's your fault, then yeah you should. It's okay, I don't mind."

She looked back at the sunset and he saw her eyes glaze once more.

"Why did you make the shift to Nightwing?" Raven asked quietly after a time.

Nightwing glanced at her behind Starfire's shoulders. "Why'd you make the shift to white?" he countered, safe in the knowledge that she wouldn't answer.

"I admitted to being in love," she said quietly.

Nightwing's jaw dropped. To actually hear her admit it was incredible. Beast Boy must be ecstatic. "That's great news, Raven. I'm happy for you."

Raven rolled her eyes, a blush spreading across her face. "Yeah, me too."

Nightwing frowned. "But, you've worn white before and you haven't been in love."

Raven raised an eyebrow at him.

"You wore white after you opened that portal," he said trying to explain.

Raven sighed. "White for me has always meant I was free of my father's influence. He can't stand love, hence the white uniform."

"Well, I think it suits you," he said returning his attention to the sunset.

"So does your uniform change," she replied tartly. "Going to share why, now?"

"It was meant to be a betrothal gift," Starfire quietly said, startling them both. "Once Robin had completed the xhandal I was planning to gift it to him. I had hoped that Nightwing would be a natural step for Robin, but…"

Nightwing's hand clutched Starfire's shoulder and he moved his other hand across her stomach and placed his chin on her other shoulder. "Didn't turn out that way. Star told me about it just before that drug took hold. It was meant to be her last gift."

Raven cringed and looked away. "Sorry, my bad."

"Don't worry about it," Nightwing replied, looking at her from behind Starfire's shoulder. "I wear it with pride, would have done so no matter what."

"I believed I was going to die," Starfire said softly. "Right up until the release, I believed I was going to die. There was pressure inside of my chest and so much pain, so I pushed. Once I had begun pushing, I could not stop until there was nothing left."

Both Raven and Nightwing froze, eyeing her cautiously.

"Perhaps it was selfish of me but I wished to leave something of myself behind," she continued quietly. "Something happy, untainted by what I was about to do. And I did not want Robin to find the suit after I had gone and always wonder. I hoped that perhaps the gift would lessen the pain of my passing."

Raven and Nightwing were silent, sharing a concerned glance at each other. This was the first time Starfire had spoken openly about what happened and neither of them wanted to interrupt her.

"Raven?" she said timidly, dropping her head and gazing at her hands.

"Yes?"

"How can you still wish to be my friend after everything I have done?"

Raven chose her words carefully, knowing that what she said would either set Starfire on the road to recovery, or break her for good. "Because we know it wasn't really you. Beast Boy and I saw the real you surface enough times to know that the one that did all the bad stuff wasn't you. You rubbed my back when I was sick, you petted Beast Boy. We were never afraid of you. You turned a blind eye to the servants and slaves in your path. You didn't torture, you didn't maim and you didn't chase after those that tired to escape. Everything you did was done with the least amount of suffering you could manage, no matter what it cost you. One hit and it was over and only to those that stood in your way. Starfire, you protected us, even though you were lost beneath the drugs they had given you, you protected us. That's what I remember. That's what Beast Boy remembers. That's what you should remember too."

"It is hard," she said softly, raising a shaking hand to her eye level. "With these hands I have taken life. On Tamaran, I am to be celebrated. But Earth heroes do not take life. If I have taken life, I cannot be a hero. If I am not a hero, what am I?"

"You are Koriand'r, hero of Tamaran," Raven said, taking Starfire's shaking hand in her own. "You are Starfire, hero of Earth. Each of us has a darkness inside of us. I have the darkness that my father gave me. I have learned to deal with it. I lived my whole life knowing I was going to be responsible for the destruction of our planet. I survived, just like you have. And I am still a hero, just like you are. The Citadelians did that to themselves, the instant they gave you that drug, they signed their own death warrants. You were not responsible. Beast Boy and I can see that. I know that doesn't change what happened and its going to take you a long time to get over it. But Starfire, we love you. That hasn't changed a bit."

Starfire covered her face with her hands and burst into tears.

Nightwing pulled her to his chest. "Shh, Star, it's okay."

Oh Richard, she whispered into his mind and his heart almost burst with joy at finally hearing her mind voice again after so long. He had not heard it since that small weak voice bade him to go to her cliff top. I did not believe that they would still care for me.

I told you they would Star. Everything's going to be all right, you'll see.