Harry Potter and the Problem of the Liplocks
We shall now screw callously with time, space and history and skip, randomly, to Valentine's Day which in this story falls in November.
Now Ron, who's not very good at Potions and hasn't done a cameo role in a chapter for awhile, had had a detention the night before in the dungeons because he'd accidentally turned up to class when only Ginny and Draco were meant to be there.
He had been told to mix a love potion, because that's all that Snape teaches these days, and, because he's not very good at it, it went mysteriously wrong. N.B. this plot may sound familiar, but it's actually totally completely absolutely different from that other chapter, because this time it doesn't become a gas. Anyway, Ron didn't know it had gone wrong until he'd drunk it (because that's how everyone tests love potions) and Hermione walked in.
Ron grabbed her by the shoulders and planted a kiss directly on her mouth. Hermione was in a state of shock, partially because of the kiss, but mainly because the author had just managed to spell her name right.
"Ron," she gasped pulling away. "I haven't had my makeover yet, you can't possibly like me. I've still got reasonable-sized breasts and a personality!"
"Don't worry!" he exclaimed, because that's the only tone Ron has; "It's not you yet, I just feel like kissing someone and you were conveniently in the right place at the right time!"
He planted another smacker on her lips, just as she pulled away. "You hurt my feelings," she sobbed. However, Snape made his neatly timed entrance just as she was starting to feel a strange urge in her stomach.
Snape only briefly caught the expression of her face and was therefore only momentarily understood the nasty fan-fiction end he may come to. Hermione flew into his arms, plastering a big kiss onto his lips.
"Oh Severus," she cooed. Ron looked ill.
"I don't feel like kissing anyone anymore," he muttered to anyone who would listen.
The Potions teacher peeled her off himself. "Miss Granger. I'm afraid not in this story; if you feel strongly about it, you can take a vacation to the Hermione/Severus shippers section."
With that, he exited the classroom and marched towards the staffroom, his robes billowing behind him… no, the fan-fiction writer just can't seem to find him attractive…
Anyway, Severus was just beginning to notice a strange feeling when Professor McGonagall departed the staffroom. With little warning on either side and a deliciously naughty snicker from our dear author, the two professors were thrown into an impromptu liplock.
After that, the problem of the liplocks spread like wildfire around the school, starting from the next morning - nice and coincidentally on Valentine's Day. This was because Trelawney had tried to kiss Professor Binns which was, what with him being a ghost and everything, a little tricky.
Flitwick was the first teacher to kiss a student and that was because all the other teachers could easily outrun him and, even if he had managed to catch one of them, he wouldn't have been able to reach their mouths.
The liplock lingered in Slytherin house for a good couple of hours midmorning because Millicent Bulstrode had caught it and everyone had run and hid. Eventually, she ambushed a couple of unsuspecting Hufflepuffs, one of whom will now be in intensive emotional therapy counselling for a long time, and kissed them.
When Draco Malfoy had been sought out and kissed by an unimportant individual who, the reader can rest assured, is not half as pretty as Ginny and Draco would never look twice at her, he suddenly became hotter Hogwarts stuff than he was before (yes, there is such a thing…) and girls – even some female teachers – were lining the halls trying to distract him long enough so that he'd kiss them.
Tempted though he was by big breasts and the possibility of extra credit, Draco only had one girl that he wanted to kiss (no prizes for correct guesses) and he was patrolling the halls in search of her. Somehow, he'd managed to develop a good deal of self-control that no one else had, and could fend off the problem until the certain young red-headed siren was in his sights.
He found her in the Great Hall in front of around 200 students and staff, one of whom was her brother. Draco, being Draco, wasn't scared of something as minor as that, however, and seized a seductively startled Ginny, whirled her around and kissed her non-too-innocently in front of everyone.
A number of predictable responses followed; everyone gasped, Ginny somehow managed to look plundered and lustful at the same time, Ron started cracking his knuckles and particular female members of staff on the teachers table sighed disappointedly.
Ginny, recovering her senses looked at Draco in confusion. Didn't he hate her? Author shrugs; she can't remember if he does or doesn't at this point in the story.
But then she started to get a strange feeling in her solar plexus... whereas Draco seemed to have a great deal of self-control, it seemed that Ginny had much less than anyone else; she pulled the first person near her and pushed her lips hard on theirs. This just happened to be Harry who felt that he should make the best of a strange situation and kissed her back.
When they'd pulled apart, Draco was glaring dangerously at the Boy Who Lived (although possibly not for much longer), and he too started cracking his knuckles.
Ginny went from being wandless magic wonder, to helpless damsel in distress as the first fight for her virtue and affections looked like it was about to break out…
Tune in next time for imminent fisticuffs… thank you for reading! If you have time, feel free to check out my new story, regrettably not a parody, but I'm still having fun with it! Will update soon, hopefully.