Star Fox: A Threat Most Fowl
Chapter 3: Fresh Hamburger
All was serene on the planet of Fortuna. The birds were buzzing, the bees were chirping, and little bunnies were devouring field mice. And bopping them on the head.
At the Fortuna base, all was not so serene, for a brown cow, the colonel of Fortuna's Military Defense Corps had his eyes on the skies (hey that rhymes)! The skies were saturated with the warships of twenty thousand Venomian pilots. The ships were so numerous they blotted out the sun. A dark shadow was cast upon the Fortuna base. A black sheep ran breathlessly to the colonel.
"Sir, we have to defend ourselves! The Venomians are coming!"
"I know, Captain," the colonel said. "Spread the word to everyone in the base." The captain ran away, waving his arms frantically.
"The Venomians are coming! To arms! The Venomians are coming!"
An admiral then ran to the colonel, also out of breath.
"What should we do? There are about ten thousand ships that are going to fry us to death!"
"Twenty," the colonel corrected. "I know, Admiral. Get your team of pilots into the air and hold them off for as long as possible."
"Yeah right!" the admiral contradicted. "We'll get smashed to bytes! Then the bits of our bytes will get smashed to bits! We're evacuating!"
"Fine then, be a pansy," the brown cow sneered. "At least MY fine soldiers will stay and fight."
The big bovine turned around to see the retreating backs of his soldiers fleeing into the woods.
"Well, I'll stay and fight," the colonel cow said. "I'm not afraid to die."
"Of course you're not," the admiral shouted. "It's because you're a cow! You're stupid!"
The colonel blankly stared at the admiral for a few seconds.
"Moo," he said, drawing his blaster and firing at the approaching ships. A blaster bolt decisively hit a Venomian ship causing it to explode in flame. Shrapnel flew in all directions, tearing holes in several adjacent ships, causing those ships to explode as well. This caused a chain reaction which destroyed several hundred Venomian warships.
"Wow, Venomians are so easy to kill!" The admiral commented. "Well, good luck to you!"
And with that, the admiral bolted for the trees, leaving the brave bovine alone to fight this enormous adversary.
- - -
Fox McCloud and Falco were in the gym of the Great Fox, working out their muscles. After all, being a pilot required SO MUCH raw physical power.
"Besides, girls like washboard abs," Fox said, referring to Krystal, the only girl with a million mile radius.
"What? Who the heck are you talking to?" Falco asked, in the middle of his reverse-hanging-lotus stretch.
"Oh, I was just explaining stuff to the readers."
Suddenly, ROB's voice sounded on the loudspeaker.
"You probably don't care, but thousands of Venomian warships are attacking Fortuna. If you do care about the safety and well-being of the Lylat system, I suggest you get down to the bridge."
"Holy French pastry!" Fox exclaimed, still doing push-ups. "I care about the safety and well-being of the Lylat System! Except for Wayne, I hate that guy. Come on, Falco!"
- - -
The Universe, Alpha Quadrant, Lylat System, Great Fox, Deck 6, Section C, Bridge, Seats
Fox and Falco came bursting in like raging rabid weasels.
"There you are, you two," Peppy said in parent-like disapproval. "Where were you two?"
"We were just attending… a gun show!" Fox said as he and Falco flexed as many muscles as they could, both striking poses.
"You guys are so moronic," Krystal said. "You should know by now that women want more from men than just bulgy muscles."
"Who said that we were working out for women anyway?" Fox asked.
"You did," Krystal replied. "Right at the beginning of the last scene, in fact."
"Oh… right."
Fox and Krystal were interrupted from their argument by general Pepper's huge face on the Great Fox's debriefing monitor.
"General Pepper here," the esteemed dog said in that proud voice that everybody hates.
"Yes, we know about it already, General Pepper," Fox said rolling his eyes.
"Eh? Know about what?" Pepper asked.
"You know, about the Venomian warships attacking Fortuna." Slippy chimed in.
"What?" General Pepper gasped. "There are Venomian warships attacking Fortuna? I was just going to invite you guys to dinner! This is terrible! I must contact Corneria's defense fleet immediately!"
With that, General Pepper's image on the monitor vanished, much like an ice cube in an oven.
"Well, since we are the heroes of this story, we might as well save that base." Fox said, puffing out his muscular chest.
"But Fox, you heard the general. He said the Cornerian fleet is going to…"
"NO!" Fox exclaimed dramatically. "You know how much they suck! They always lose, it always starts that way. There's trouble in Lylat, and who answers the call first? Corneria, and they always get smashed, and we have to pick up the pieces! No, my friends it is up to us now."
(Cue heroic trumpet music in the background).
- - -
"Freeze, cow!" A Venomian soldier exclaimed, his blaster ready. Behind him, hundreds of soldiers were dropping from the warships, running to the base.
"Put your hands where we can see them!" Another soldier cried out.
"No!" The colonel cow cried defiantly. With that, he shoved his hooves into his mouth, hiding them from view. He had spent the last fifteen minutes trying to take down as many Venomians as he could, but they finally overwhelmed him. If he was going down, he was going to be as difficult and uncooperative as possible.
"I said to put your hands where we can see them!" The soldier repeated.
"Nephuh!" The brown cow retorted, his mouth full of hoof.
It was quite a grim spectacle. The broken remains of shot-down warships littered the ground. Smoke swirled about, congesting the beautiful blue sky. A flaming pink, sequined, and rhinestoned Venomian fighter descended, landing mere feet away from the cowed cow. The roof hatch opened, and Snowball and Midnight climbed out.
"We, like, did it!" Snowball exclaimed excitedly.
"All their base are belong to us, yo!" Midnight agreed.
"Hey, look, it's like, a cow!" Snowball said, pointing at the brown cow, the lone defender.
"That's what's been shooting at us?" Midnight demanded, striding angrily up to the cow, with Snowball right behind her. Midnight pulled her blaster from her thigh holster.
"How now, brown cow?" She demanded, and squeezed off a round into the cow.
"Moo," the cow snarled… and DIED.
Snowball started giggling.
"'How now, brown cow'… that's like, funny. And it rhymes, too."
"Yeah, I know, Honey." Midnight replied, patting Snowball on the shoulder.
"Take him away," Midnight ordered several nearby troops. "We're having hamburgers for dinner tonight!"
An explosion of cheering arose from the hundreds of Venomian soldiers.
"All right everybody," she cried, once the applause died down, "the base is belong to us now! We are victorious!"
(Cue evil death metal music here).