It had been a long time coming but Mac and Danny were finally facing each other over the scarred table in Danny's mother's kitchen.
Mac, for once, had dropped his habitual impassive mask and looked concerned as Danny again rubbed at his eyes, careful not to dislodge his glasses.
Danny sighed. He looked down at the cup of coffee in his hands and thought about his answer to Mac's quietly murmured question.
How had it made him feel?
"I lost everythin' to that job. My family, my brother, my best friend and I felt so angry, so helpless, and absolutely furious that the best things in my life had… and there was nothin' I could do. My family and friends, they are everythin' to me Mac. Yeah, I gave up my family for this job but I knew deep down that they understood and supported it and that they would always be here for me." His head drooped again, his chin almost resting on his chest as he stared into his coffee.
"I guess I worked so hard to get so much more from what I had left; my friends, and my job, and if anythin' happens I always want to step in and do something to protect that," he almost smiled, his lips twisting wryly," even if it isn't what I should do. I remember when Aiden… when she went on this date once, and Don and I followed her… Man, she was furious afterward. We didn't like the look of the guy and, well, I guess the gut instinct paid off 'cos the guy was a sleaze. I knew she could take him, could deal with him, but I felt better for being the one that did." He paused to collect himself.
"But when she was," his breath hitched, "killed. Murdered. There was nothing I could do. Nothin' 'cept for picking up the fuckin' pieces. I know that doing that, bein' part of that, put the bastard away, but it didn't feel enough. Suddenly the job couldn't fill those gaps and I tried harder, worked harder but I couldn't reconcile the results with what it cost." He paused and looked up, straight at Mac and his eyes burned brilliantly and wetly. "Aiden was such a beautiful, energetic, bright… and sometimes I still go to call her, still think of her as just being out of sight, just around the next corner and then I remember that she isn't and it all comes rushing back in on me…" He broke off his voice shaking. "And Louie too…"
Mac reached out and grabbed Danny's hand as it shook. He couldn't seem to swallow around the lump in his throat. He wasn't a man who easily showed his emotions, but when he spoke his voice also shook. He wasn't comfortable at all with the situation he had found himself in but he knew he had to give Danny something.
"Danny, I know I should have said this when you came to me. Before. That I should have told you all along. I'm going to say it now and I want you to believe me. You know I don't lie. To anyone." He looked at the younger man until Danny raised his eyes to meet his and finally nodded. "You are one of my best CSIs. You are sharp, perceptive, insightful, loyal, and honest. You are and exceed everything I want and need from the 'men' under me. In some ways Danny, you would have made crap marine, but I think, in others, you would have made one hell of one, and I am proud that you are one of my team."
Danny was speechless, but Mac ignored his grateful look and continued.
"Aiden was a good CSI. We were never friends like you were and I don't think we ever would have been. But please don't think that I was never hurt by her loss. That I never felt anything when she died." He coughed. "I know exactly how it feels to lose someone. Someone you are so very close to. I guess, I just expect people to be able… to be like me, and I shouldn't. I shouldn't assume because I am coping others are too."
He paused. His mind racing, searching for what to say that would be enough for the younger man. Enough to help ease his hurt in some way and start the healing process.
"She isn't really gone Danny. She will always be there in your heart and in your memories. You keep her alive. While that is true she will never be completely gone."
It was Danny's turn to try to swallow the lump in his throat.