Thank you to all those who sent in a review, you know I love hearing from you guys. I have to apologise with the huge gaps between updates, I am very sorry about that, I'm trying to get better at it, honest :o)
Also, I am totally flattered that so many people have now gone back and read 'Forsaken'. That's such a huge compliment, so thank you so much !
I sincerely hope everyone is still enjoying where this story is going, obviously this is chapter 14, there aren't that many more chapters to go, so we're gonna start winding down. Oh and about the last chapter, you guys are just plain evil to still hate on Dr. Wallis, the poor man can't help the fact that he's being possessed…or can he…?
sighs Well you can already guess what this chapter is about; I just hope you all enjoy it and fall out that follows because of it.
It's time we had some 'Confessions'….
Chapter 14- Confessions
Dean sprinted back to the Chevy and clambered into the driving seat, stuffed the key into the ignition and threw the car into drive.
He missed the tree in front of him by a quarter of an inch.
Dean Winchester didn't look once at Sam.
He didn't have the time; he was having a difficult enough time staring through his tears as he drove like a manic down a road he'd never seen before.
In fact Dean had no idea where he where he was going or even how he was driving, all he did know was that he had to put as much distance between him and Dr. Wallis.
Dean shook his head as the voice screamed its way into his thoughts.
" You're a lying bastard Dean, Sam's never going to forgive you for this and that is the real truth to why you won't tell him. You can't bear to see him walk away from you. You've convinced yourself that Sam will die without you, that you're his protector. Truth is, Sam keeps you alive, he keeps you sane, he keeps you together; you need him more than he will ever need you Dean..."
Dean closed his eyes as he couldn't keep the sobs from breaking through.
He couldn't do this anymore.
Yet he didn't know how to stop this, he didn't understand how he could have let things get as far as he had done.
His lies were eating him alive, draining him of any sense he had, and emptying him of rational sense.
This wasn't like the normal Dean Winchester.
That's what confused the elder brother the most. He couldn't understand the guilt, he couldn't understand where these horrible, evil damning thoughts were coming from; all he did know, were that they were freakingly accurate.
The answer was staring him straight in the face.
Tell Sam the truth. Set himself free.
Once the truth was out, Sam would understand why he had done what he had chosen to do. Sam would understand. Yes he would be hurt, upset and probably never trust his lying ass again; but Sam would be alive and this whole mess would be over.
Sam always came around.
He was a stubborn person at the best of time, but he had a damn good heart and most importantly, he would believe that his big brother had only done these things to protect him.
Well, that's what Dean hoped.
And as the elder Winchester was quickly finding out in the last few days was that theory and practice rarely ever went hand in hand in this family.
Dean shook his head.
His actions weren't making any sense at all.
Sam had been ill, hence why he was taking him to the hospital. Yet the moment he'd seen Dr Wallis he'd jumped in the car and drove away; but the point of going to the hospital still hadn't changed.
Sam was still sick.
And too quiet beside him in the car.
Dean glanced over at Sam's perfectly still form, the elder brother's face feeling taut from the tears that had now subsided, but the knot of dread in his stomach still remained.
He forced his eyes back to the road, his knuckles white from the grip.
He did the only thing he could do on auto pilot.
Dean drove them home...
xxxxXXXXxxxx
Sam Winchester's hazel eyes flickered open slowly. It took a few seconds for him to focus but he was surprised to discover where he was.
He was in Dean's room.
In Dean's bed.
Yet Dean wasn't in the room with him.
Pushing the sheets off him slowly, he pushed himself into a sitting position and glanced at the red lights on the digital clock that sat on the night stand.
It had just gone 1am.
Taking in a deep breath, Sam's hand suddenly touched his stomach. He'd been so surprised to discover to where he was, that the glaring obvious new revelation that had taken place in the last few hours had apparently not hit home straight away.
His fever was gone.
In fact while he wouldn't go as far as admitting to feeling wonderful, he honestly felt about as good as he had since being released from the hospital.
Swinging his legs over the bed, and his mind thinking clearly for the first time in weeks; Sam's curiosity and determination flooded back into him.
The younger Winchester was cautious as he stood up and another revelation hit him as he touched his side in shock.
Dismissing this disclosure, Sam pulled the door open all the way and padded into the living room, where he spotted Dean sitting in the dimly hit room, on the sofa, his elder brother's back to him.
Sam swallowed to himself, he had a feeling something big was about to go down. Maybe this was what they needed, a chance to talk, to get everything out in the open. Something was clearly wrong with Dean, Sam had noticed it since he'd awoken from his coma; but drawing information from Dean was like extracting teeth, just friggin painful.
Walking over to Dean, Sam stood at the side of the sofa and took in the haggard form that was his elder brother. Dean looked every inch the four years of extra life he had over his younger brother.
In fact in this light, you could have probably lumped on another two or three years.
Sam stood at the sofa staring at his big brother's profile, wondering how long it would take Dean to acknowledge him; and then it hit Sam, Dean wasn't going to acknowledge him.
Not tonight at least.
Sucking in a shaky breath and pushing his own building fears aside and fighting through his own confusion, Sam silently knelt down on his knees and stayed in front of Dean. The little brother stared at the bottle of whiskey that sat opened on the coffee table, and the glass that sat in his brother's hand.
Big brother Dean hadn't taken a sip.
Yet Sam had no idea how long he'd been sitting out on his own with the glass in his hand.
" Dean..?" Sam finally said, his own hand gently reaching up and removing the glass attentively from Dean's hand. No point startling him, and with the battering and abuse Sam had already taken in the last few days, giving Dean a weapon just seemed like an open invitation for another fight.
Sam stared at Dean, his hazel green eyes vacant and lost.
" Dean...?" Sam said this time touching Dean's knee and giving it a squeeze, trying to bring him out of the retreat Dean's brain had obviously taken.
Dean's eyes finally fell on Sam and he was greeted with a warm, bright smile.
Sam hid his nerves well. It was time to out his own fear aside, time to put his own grievances aside, time to put this hunt aside and actually be there for Dean.
Be there for him one hundred and ten percent.
" Hi..." Sam said smiling at him, " You ok in there...?"
" The fever..." Dean whispered as confusion battered its way into his voice, " I...I...thought..."
" Yeah, looks like the old hibby-jibbies took a leave of absence and cut me a break..." Sam said his voice warm and thick with reassurance.
Dean just nodded quietly yet his eyes never left Sam's hazel eyes. Dean finally tore away from him and stood up from the sofa, as he walked to the other sofa opposite to where Sam was.
Sam stared at Dean from the floor.
" I can't do this..." Dean suddenly blurted out as tears stun at his eyes. He crumbled into the other sofa as the tears begun to slip out. Sam crawled over to him as Dean sat with his hands over his face, trying to gain composure, but even stringing sentences together was too hard at the moment.
All Sam could do was watch.
Watch and feel utterly helpless. He was on the verge of tears himself and he didn't know why. He'd always been like that; his empathy with other people was just one thing on a long list that Dean would joke as his Achilles heel. When he saw people upset he always got upset himself, when he saw a loved one cry, he was in tears himself.
But when he saw Dean in tears, it firstly shocked him, and then scared him.
Dean was the kind of person who would rather smash the room to pieces than ever openly cry in front of anyone, would rather chew his arms off with own teeth than ever admit that he was in pain.
Yet here he was.
Sam's all talking, all walking, action hero of a big brother was in a state that could only be described as bordering hysteria.
Sam could feel his own tears welling up inside, but blinked them away; one of them had to hold it together, and for once it was going to be Sam, whether he wanted to or not.
" It'll be ok..." Sam said, remaining on the sofa, his face quite close to Dean who lay on his side on the sofa. " Whatever it is Doone, we'll fix it..."
" I can't.." Dean finally admitted, " I can't do this anymore..." As tears tore away at him as he looked at Sam for help, " I can't do this anymore Sammy, I can't..."
Sam felt something cold drip onto his hand, it was then he realised he'd already started crying himself.
The little brother gently reached his hand forward and messed with Dean's dark brown hair.
" I promise you, whatever it is, we can do it, you and me..." Sam said smiling through his tears, " We can do this..."
Dean simply shook his head.
Dean closed his eyes as he felt the tears escaping down his face. He couldn't look into his brother's eyes anymore, he couldn't stare at him a second longer.
God this was hard.
This was too hard.
Give him a freaking zombie or rawhead to waste any day of the friggin week than have this horrible, debilitating mass driving him mad inside.
The guilt, the self hating was just too much for him.
He just wanted it to stop; he just wanted everything to stop.
He wanted his dad back. He wanted John back to tell him what to do, where to go, and how to hunt. He wanted his little Sammy back, the one who hadn't died and come back to life, the one who was stubborn but so loving and kind hearted.
Dean buried his face in his hands.
Why had he lied...? Why had he opened his stupid mouth and told that one stupid lie that had led to so many more lies and now to this. To where he was tonight, lying on the sofa, worrying his brother to no end, feeling like the most evil human being on the planet.
" Please talk to me..." Sam said, his voice breaking through Dean's thoughts. " Dean, I want to help you..."
Dean finally took his hands away, the dim light from the lamp hardly throwing any light in there direction. Dean was suddenly grateful to that. He did not want to see Sam's reaction to this.
Dean felt fresh tears build in his eyes and he realised what he was about to say would change his life, his relationship with Sam forever. He was about to betray Sam, and he knew that his little brother would never trust him in the same way again.
And Dean knew it was his entire fault.
" You're the most important person in my life Sam..." Dean managed to say, the words now tumbling out, forcing himself to start and not to stop, not even if Sam interjected.
The words had to come out.
" I never meant to hurt you, or to let things get this bad..." Dean said as tears fled from his eyes. The elder brother could only stare at Sam's eyes which were welling up in front of him.
Sam looked shocked.
" Dean, it's ok, I know things have been pretty crappy these last few weeks, but hey, maybe we've hit full circle now.." Sam said chuckling through his sadness, " Things can only get better eh..?"
His never say die attitude, his perspective to be able to see the bigger picture. Dean stared at Sam's face.
God he was scared.
" I...I lied to you.." Dean chocked out as he watched as Sam's facial expression, being subtly suppressed by the darkened room, but unable to hide the blatant look of surprise on Sam's face.
Dean could feel his fear building.
" I'm so sorry Sam..." Dean whispered, " I am, so sorry, from the bottom of my heart, I never ever meant for things to get like this..."
" Wow, you ramble when you're nervous.." Sam kidded as he looked up at Dean's face. " It's ok, we all tell lies now and again, it's a part of life..."
Dean shook his head, if only it had been as easy as Sam was saying it was.
" You don't understand…" Dean said in a quiet tone, " Sam, you really don't understand what I've done…"
Sam sighed heavily and shifted his weight under him, " Then make me understand, tell me everything, start from the very beginning.."
Dean's eyes were wide, filled with fear, filled with the unknown. God that stinking unknown feeling of dread that was tying a knot in his stomach, God he hated it.
His hazel green eyes locked with Sam's.
" I panicked, I panicked when they told me you were so ill…" Dean admitted, " They kept telling me that any stress, anything that could make you…." Dean's voice trailed off as he rubbed his face with his hands.
Sam just stared at Dean, doing his best to remove the confusion from his face.
" I couldn't lose you again…" Dean finally whispered, the pain inside real, the image as vivid as if it was taking place again.
" You never lost me Dean, never…" Sam reassured him, " Look, I can only imagine how odd it must have been for me to be in a coma, but that's not your fault or anyone else's…"
" But I did lose you…" Dean said slowly, finally meeting Sam's eyes, " You died Sam…"
Sam stared at Dean, he couldn't have heard that correct.
No way could he have heard that correct.
Yet Dean's face offered no humour at all.
Just fear and a look of horror.
" You came to me…" Dean explained in a splutter, " You were all in while, this, this, beautiful, peaceful angel and you came to me.."
" Whoa, hang on a minute…-" Sam said unable to suppress his confusion anymore.
Dean however wasn't listening.
" I was lying on your bed, you were in this stupid coma, you wouldn't wake up, I was so angry with you, I was yelling at you, blaming you for leaving me outside, while you stayed nice and safe in that world of yours…" Dean ranted, " I fell asleep, and woke up and there you were, standing beside me, while in the bed in front of me, was you, completely comatose !"
" I died..?" Sam whispered, the words not really sinking in yet.
" You stood there and told me…" Dean whispered as his voice broke again, the memory vivid in front of him. " You told me that I was never going to be alone, and that you'd always watch over me…"
Sam stared at Dean, his mouth slightly open in surprise.
" Then you died…" Dean whispered, his voice taunt and raw " The doctors tried to do everything, I was in there with you, and it made no difference; I couldn't save you…"
" Dean…" Sam whispered as his hand stretched out towards Dean, yet his brother angrily yanked his hand away.
" You died Sam, and you left me there…!" Dean angrily shouted, " I couldn't save you, and you left me all alone…"
" Where was dad..? Why wasn't he there..?" Sam suddenly asked, " Dean, what is going on, how did…-" Sam's voice trailed off as he now sat with his back against the sofa.
There were just too many questions.
Dean stared at his brother.
Sam stared back.
They're eyes locked together nervously, neither wanting to talk, but too desperate to stay silent.
Dean finally looked away from Sam, and Sam could feel the fear that had been consuming, now devour him in anger.
" I asked you a question…" Sam asked rigidly, trying to draw the nerves from his voice, desperate to keep the anger out of it. " Dean, I asked you a question..!"
" I'm sorry…" Dean whispered as he looked at Sam, his Sam, his little brother that he'd dedicated his life to, to keep safe and it was all about to come tumbling down around him.
His house of cards was falling, fast.
" Why wasn't dad there..?" Sam asked again, his voice steady yet bleeding emotion, " Dean..?!"
" I don't know Sam…" Dean finally whispered, " I came round and he was gone…"
Sam stared at Dean, his eyes never leaving his brother's face. Dean swallowed, there was Sammy once again using his eyes to invade his soul.
A shaky smile came to Sam's face; it was either smile or scream the house down.
" Gone..? Gone where, exactly..?" Sam said his hands on his hips as he tried to digest what he was being told, " Gone, like on a picnic gone, or gone as in see you later Dean..?"
There was silence from Dean. Just rigid, uncomfortable, silence.
Sam bit his bottom lip in frustration.
" When you first came round..?" Sam pushed, " As in, from the crash…?"
" Sam…" Dean whispered, " I thought I was doing the right thing…"
Sam's eyes widened as the full extent to what Dean had done burrowed through his body.
He felt sick.
" You lied to me.." Sam stammered out as he scrambled off the floor and walked across the room, his body needing to do something in fear it might just implode, " Oh my god, you, you lied to me, about everything…"
Dean felt his heart drop like a stone as he got up from the sofa; he took a step towards his little brother.
" Stay away from me.." Sam spat, his hands going to arms length as he watched as Dean froze on the spot. A strangled chuckle escaped Sam's mouth, his head slowly shaking from side to side, " Everything you've told me for the last three weeks has been nothing but a lie…"
" It's not like that Sam, I promise you, it's not how you think it is..?" Dean whispered, as he again tried to come over to Sam.
" Really..?!" Sam shouted almost bordering hysterical, " Then Dean, you tell me what the hell I should be thinking, cause right now, I don't know what to think.."
Dean looked at Sam who was sinking onto the floor, his back against the wall, his hands rubbing his aching temples.
" I didn't want to lose you, not after that, not after seeing it, watching it happen…" Dean managed to say, realising he wasn't making an ounce of sense, " I didn't know what to do, so I just did something…"
" Where is dad..?" Sam finally asked looking up at Dean.
" I don't know…" Dean finally admitted his head dropping, " He left me co-ordinates, that's all.."
" So, what you're telling me is that everything you've been feeding me from the moment I woke up has been nothing but one, evil, filthy lie…" Sam whispered his voice breaking as he looked at Dean.
Sam's eyes locked angrily with Dean's, " I went searching the morgue because of you, I knew you were lying to me. You promised me, you promised me you lying son of a bitch..!"
Dean's body shook at Sam's words, each verb cutting into him like the very sickle Sam owned. Dean sunk into the sofa again, his legs now refusing to stand; his eyes refusing to be filled with the essence of pain that sat on the floor, his heart couldn't cope with the guilt he felt.
The elder brother was feeling light headed.
" Is that what you're telling me..?" Sam asked again.
Dean nodded silently.
" I am such an idiot…" Sam whispered to himself in anger, " I am, such a friggin idiot.."
" Sammy.." Dean started not even knowing where he was going with this sentence, but knowing he had to say something.
" Why now..?" Sam asked quietly, " Why are you telling me all of this now..?"
" Cause it was eating me alive.." Dean admitted as tears sprung to his eyes, he blinked them back in anger, " I have never wanted to talk to you so desperately in my life…"
" So why didn't you..?" Sam shouted at him, " You let me believe that we could be a family again, that dad knew what he doing and was off to try and get us all back together again. You told me that he didn't blame me for any of this, you told me, that this is what he wanted, you made me believe that he was ok with what I did…"
" He is.." Dean found himself whispering.
" How..!?" Sam screamed at Dean, " When you haven't seem him either. The last time we all saw each other was back in that cabin when I once again, failed dad…"
Dean went quiet his eyes falling to his lap.
" I never wanted it to get this far.." Dean explained, " I wanted to tell you, I wanted to tell you everything; but I got…..-"
Dean watched as Sam clambered to his feet and headed for the veranda door, Dean stood up from the sofa.
" Where are you going..? Sam..?" Dean demanded, surprise taking over his voice.
" Anywhere…" Sam admitted, " I need to clear my head.."
" It's the middle of the night, there is a spirit screwing with our heads…" Dean finally said, " You can't go out by yourself…"
" Spirit..?" Sam said with a dry chuckle, " I'd rather take my chances with that, than stay in here.."
" I'll leave…" Dean quickly said, " You stay in the house.."
" No…" Sam interjected, his stubborn streak on full view, " You stay, I won't go far…"
Dean folded his arms across his chest, his feelings of vulnerability was at an all time high, in fact this was the worse he'd ever felt.
" Sammy…?" Dean called out as he watched his brother duck onto the deck through the still broken veranda door.
Sam turned and looked at his elder brother; there was an unusual note in his big brother's voice. It was that one note that had caused him to stop and look back. It oozed uncertainty.
" Don't call me Sammy…" Sam whispered quietly as he looked back at Dean.
" You and me…" Dean said forcing a hopeful smile to his face, anything to keep the tears that were shining in his eyes exactly where they were. " We'll be ok, right..? We'll get over this..?"
Sam's eyes dropped down to the floor, he knew Dean was waiting for an answer.
" Get some rest Dean, we're tracking this spirit down tomorrow and getting rid of it.." Sam said simply, " I'm sick of it screwing our heads around.."
" It told me that if I ever told you the truth that I would lose you forever…" Dean said his voice breaking, " Please don't prove it right Sam…"
Sam heard his brother's voice break, and it pulled at Sam's heart.
The little brother swallowed as he studied the broken man that stood in their little beach side apartment; their home.
Dean was scared.
It wasn't something that Sam was used to seeing.
" Get some rest eh Dean..? We got a long day ahead of us.." Sam said finally, and with that he disappeared from Dean's view.
Dean sunk onto the sofa he'd earlier been curled up in.
There, he'd done it. He'd finally told the truth. He'd finally set himself free.
Everything was supposed to sort themselves out now.
Yet, nothing had sorted itself out.
The only thing that he'd accomplished was the one reason why he'd kept on lying.
To stop Sam from hating him.
And yet Sam had left, with nothing but hate on his mind. Hate and betrayal; and Dean didn't blame him at all.
After all, this was, all his fault….
xxxxXXXXxxxx
(phew) What a heavy chapter, but it's finally out. Dean's dirty little secret is now out, but at what cost..? Will Sam ever forgive him..? And what about this friggin spirit that continues to destroy their lives..? Stay turned to find out ! Oh and if you're still reading, don't forget to leave me a little review, nothing like a review to put you in a writing mood !