Chapter 16: Ram Again
Iris stared at him in irritation. "Why on earth would you want to speak to me now?" she asked, turning away from him in disgust. "You don't have any more atrocities to admit to, do you?" Ram glowered at her. "No . . . I just thought . . ." "What? That you would attempt to coerce me to allow you to stay, without my Council present? What do you take me for, an idiot? I didn't become Queen because I am easily led, you know." Ivy took a deep breath after her outburst. "I am sorry," she said finally, embarrassed that he, of all people, should have seen her lose control. "I am very tired. Just say what you have to say and then leave."
"I didn't mean to . . . to make you think I was trying to coerce you," Ram said soberly. "I don't know for sure why I came to you personally." Iris' eyebrow rose, thinking "He must think I'm really stupid, of course he came to me because it will be me who decides his fate." Ram continued to look at her silently for several minutes. "You think I'm a monster," he said accusingly. She said nothing. To her surprise, his eyes glistened with tears and he looked away. "You would have been correct in assuming such, if you had met me a few months ago," Ram said, without looking at her. "I was a monster."
When Iris didn't answer, he continued. "I told you what I have done. What I didn't tell you was how I felt." Iris snorted. "How you felt? Besides feeling like you were God, and reveling in it, how do you mean?" Ram turned around quickly. "Did you love your parents, Iris?" She stared at him, stunned. "Why would you ask that?" she asked. "Because it is vital you understand!" Ram cried. "You should understand what the virus did to everyone when their parents were ripped from them! You know how it felt!" "I understand how it felt to know that there was no one left to care for us," Iris told him. Ram nodded. "Yes! Exactly! That, and being torn away from those you love . . ."
"You are using that as an excuse?" Iris asked. "Everyone lost their parents and family, Ram. No one else I know did the things you did." "No one could have loved my parents as much as I did!" Ram shouted. "No one!" His face took on a crazed expression. Iris stepped back as one of the guards knocked on the door. "Majesty, is everything all right?" "Yes," Iris answered, her eyes still on the man in front of her. Ram's jaw tightened and he began to pace in front of her. "I did what I did because my father would have wanted me to attempt to create sanity from the chaos," he said. "He would have been proud of me at first. So proud."
Ram stopped to look at Iris, tears streaming down his face. "It was my fault that I fell and became paralyzed. It was my fault I did not create a perfect program, so I would not carry the phobias I have carried for so long. My mind and my body were affected through my own faults, my own vanities. Can't you understand that?" Iris shook her head. "No, I can't, having never experienced it." "You can't understand, which is why you think me a monster," Ram answered. "The anger, the worry . . . everything I experienced . . . now that I look back, I can see what made me what I became."
"Ram," Iris began softly, "you continue to find excuses for what you have done. Will you ever take responsibility for your own actions?" Ram swallowed. "I have thought about this," he said, "for some time now. When I was in Liberty, imprisoned by my own body and Slade, I had plenty of time. I wanted to find some excuse for what I became, and found many that I thought were legitimate. My parents' deaths, my accident, betrayal from the only one I loved . . ." "You have had a harder than usual life," Iris broke in. "I sympathize with you, Ram, I really do. But that is not what my concerns are."
She walked over to her window and looked out into the night. "There are things all of us must live with," Iris said quietly. "We must live with things that happened before the virus, things that we have done afterwards in order to survive." Her lips pressed together tightly and she wrapped her arms around herself. Ram took a step towards her, as if he would hold her, but she turned around quickly. "But what must I do if you haven't truly changed, Ram?" she asked. "If you try to usurp my position? Run my city, all I have worked for, into chaos? What am I supposed to do with those who hate you, who would kill you at first glance? We have many of those you sold into slavery here on Genesis Island, Ram. Must I guarantee your safety at all times? What of Cloe, and what it would do to her already fragile well being to have you here?"
Tears began to trickle down her cheeks and she turned away again, letting out a cold laugh. "You must know how it feels to be afraid for what you have worked for," she said with grim amusement. "As everything you worked for, however hellish, was taken from you." "I will help the Mallrats find their loved ones if you let me stay," Ram said quickly. Iris turned slowly. "That is another reason I am reluctant to let you stay," she said. "You say you have changed, yet you will bargain lives for your own safety." She watched his face grow white. Without warning, he stepped forward and gripped her shoulders painfully. "Yes," Ram snapped; his face close to hers. "I use it as a bargaining tool. Do you think I want to die?"
Iris clamped her mouth shut so she wouldn't reveal how much he was hurting her. "I don't want to die, Iris, and I don't want your position. I no longer want leadership of any kind. I simply want to live." He laughed coldly. "If you worry about someone usurping your place, you shouldn't have allowed Ebony to remain here." Still she said nothing. Ram released her, his expression one of shock. "I'm . . . I'm sorry," he told her. "Danny . . ." Iris whispered. Ram stared at her. "What?" Iris blinked and turned her back to him. Dark blue eyes the same shade as hers looked down at her through black strands of hair. Two strong hands gripped her shoulders painfully. "I'm . . . I'm sorry," he said, releasing her. "You are cruel," Iris said, "so cruel to me, Danny. Just because our parents have died . . ." "Don't ever bring that up again!" Danny shouted, storming off.
Iris closed her eyes, pressing her forehead against the cold glass of the window. "You will be allowed to stay, if you find the lost Mallrats," she said quietly. "Now leave. Please." Ram stared at her, wondering why he did not want to leave her as she was. "Go!" Iris cried, turning around quickly. Ram nodded and left without another word. Iris looked down into the inky darkness and began to cry silently. "How can I force you to go, Ram?" she asked. "How can I, when Danny was worse than you?"