Title: Outlaws2006 - Chapter Forty: Escargots
Rating: 15
Author: moonmajik and Tanya
Synopsis: Robin and his gang of outlaws, plus Guy of Gisnborne and the Sheriff, get swept 800 years into the future, to the year 2006, into the ladies bathroom of a Starbucks Coffee House. Follow their journey as they get to grips with their new surroundings. Based on the BBC's 2006 Robin Hood.
Pairings: Robin/OC, Will/OC, Alan/Djaq
Disclaimer: We do not own Robin Hood or any associated comments, such as "We go to Nottingham" or "Not being Funny, but..." Especially do not own the Sheriff. Damn. We do, however, own Charli and Tanya. In the later Chapters, there may be other characters that we own.
"Voila Mademoiselle! Escargot!"
"Merci." Charli grinned up at the waiter as he placed the large plate of the local delicacy in the middle of the temperature. As he nodded and backed away, the outlaw's stared at the plate with a mixture of disgust, curiosity and hunger.
"Es- Carr- go?" Alan pronounced. "What's that again?"
"Just try it." Tanya smirked.
"You first." Came the immediate challenge from Robin, an evil glint in his eye. Tanya glared back at him, but before she could think of a half decent reply, Charli reached out and took one of the creatures.
"All together." She indicated the others, who shrugged and picked up their own. Much had been eying the food excitedly, eager to try anything that the girls said was food, and he picked up two.
"One…Two…Three." Tanya counted, and as she reached three, Charli picked up her fork and dug it into the shell. While she did that, the others simply placed the creature, shell and all, into their mouths. There was a series of nasty crunches, during which Charli and Tanya (and the waiters, and the maitre'd, and a few other patrons) stared in fixated amazement.
After one bite, Alan was quick to spit his out, and it landed in a glob on his plate. Pulling a disgusted face, he took a great gulp of water. Robin, appearing to have better table manners than his friend next to him, ducked under the table to spit his out, and re-emerged looking a little green, coughing and spluttering.
Will, neither wanting to swallow, or spit out at the table, looked widely from the table to the door, before leaping to his feet and sprinting outside, returning moments later looking sheepish but relieved. John turned purple and began to choke, and Djaq hit him on the back, causing his Escargot to shoot out of his mouth and across the room, hitting their waiter on the back of his head. Going from purple to red, John muttered "Witchcraft" and slid as far as he could under the table. Djaq smirked slyly, and produced the whole Escargot out of her mouth, placed it delicately on her place and then used her knife to crack open the shell.
"Crunchy." Much sprayed little bits of shell all over his plate as he talked, still chewing on the two Escargot he had chosen. "Slimy." He swallowed, and looked a little thoughtful. "Good!" Reaching for another, he turned to Charli and offhandedly asked, "What are they?"
"S..sn…snails," the girl spluttered through her laughter at the other outlaw's reaction.
"Snails?" Much looked horrified, dropping the Escargot back onto the plate as if it burned him.
"Snails?" Robin's face turned a darker shade of green, Will blanched and looked like he was about to run outside again and Djaq observed Much calmly, chewing thoughtfully on her snail. Tanya took one look at Much's face and burst out laughing as Charli nodded.
"Snails?" Much pushed himself away from the table and the dreaded slimy creatures, and toppled backwards off his chair and onto the floor with a crash. When he didn't stand up, the laughter died away.
"Much?" Robin peered at his friend, who groaned.
"I feel sick."
There was a pause, and then a giggle from the straight-faced Djaq who started everyone off laughing again, tears rolling down Charli's face, Tanya leaning on a grinning Robin for support. An amused waiter came over to help Much up, chatting to him in French, but both Charli and Tanya were laughing to hard to translate.
When Much was safely back in his seat, the waiter turned to Charli. "Would Mademoiselle like the 'Jambes de Grenouilles' now?"
Charli burst out laughing again, and nodded. "Oui! Merci Monsieur!" The waiter turned away, but was stopped by an exclamation from Robin.
"Wait! What is that?"
"You should just try it Robin." Charli stressed.
"Last time you said that you made us eat snails-"
"Hardly ate," Tanya protested. "Djaq was the only one that…"
Robin glared at her as she interrupted his point. Turning back to the waiter, he asked again. "What are they?"
"Jambes de Grenouilles." The waiter repeated, and then at a glare from Robin, translated. "Why, frogs legs of course!" There was a crash as Much fell of his chair again, and Will looked like he was about to be sick. Djaq smiled serenely, taking the news about their evening meal calmly.
"Frogs legs?" Much pulled himself up at the table, glaring at a silently laughing Charli. "Frogs legs?"
"Tastes like chicken." Charli reassured him.
"Frogs legs?" Much looked hysterical. "How are you supposed to eat frogs legs?"
"I'm guessing you open your mouth, put a frogs leg in it, close your mouth and masticate." Djaq smiled down at Much, who was still kneeling on the floor. The frog's legs forgotten for a moment, everyone turned to the outlaw. The guys looked a little confused with the new word, and while Djaq looked steadily back at them proudly, Tanya looked on with complete shock.
"What did you just say? Masti what?" Charli giggled sinisterly to herself as she made the same connection Tanya had made.
"Masticate." Tanya blinked. "I really hope you don't mean what I think you mean?" Her eyes were wide.
"Masticate!" Djaq repeated. "I read it in that medical book, on the Pairolane."
"It means 'chewing'. Relax!" Charli reassured her, still smirking.
Tanya, still giggling away at the word, picked up her wine glass and raised it. "I think we should have a toast. To Paris…and new friends," her eyes met Robin's, a small smirk curving her lips.
He smiled back at her, his eyes boring in to her own. "To the future."
"The future," the rest of the gang repeated.
"Quite literally," Will murmured as he took as sip of his drink.
It wasn't long before the 'Frog's legs' arrived and as the waiter placed them down on the table, the outlaws looked at the food as if it was going to jump off the plate and right into their laps.
"Go ahead, try them," Charli said as she picked up a piece and began to nibble away.
"I think I'll pass, thank you," Much grimaced down at the offensive looking food that sat before him on the plate.
Alan, who had just plucked up enough courage to give one a go, was mid way placing one to his mouth when he stopped short. "Did I just hear you right? Are you refusing FOOD?"
Everybody sat in silent, waiting for an answer from the man that they were sure to never hear again. Much simply shrugged. "I don't like the look of them."
Robin picked one of the slimy items up and studied it closely before placing it to his nose and sniffing it. Before anyone could utter another word, he had placed the food into his mouth and had began to chew. The rest of the gang cringed, waiting for him to spit it out and across the table; instead he continued to chew, nodding his head in the process. "Tastes like chicken."
"See, like I said, I always thought that too," Charli agreed with the man as she tucked in.
"I always thought they tasted a little like lobster." Tanya shrugged.
"Lobster?" John frowned, eyeing the plate in the corner of his eye. "I have never heard of a lobster."
"Nor I," Alan said, finally placing the legs into his mouth. He chewed, ready to run to the bathroom, but he too finding the food quite enjoyable. The rest of the group tried the cuisine then, all except Much who out right refused to touch the stuff.
"You know," Robin swallowed his mouthful so that he could talk without appearing rude. "King Richard's family was French." Charli's face darkened at the mention of King Richard, and Tanya, who knew her friend's feelings on most members of the British Royal Families throughout the ages, paled slightly. This ought to be an interesting conversation.
"The man might as well have been King of France, all the good that he did England." She said plainly, glancing up at Robin. The man looked scandalous.
"Excuse me? Richard did nothing but good for England!"
"What about all the taxes? Do you think that they were raised because England wanted more money?" Charli also put down her fork. "How many of the taxes claimed by the crown during the ten years of Richard's reign do you think actually went back into the country?"
"Ten years?" Much looked baffled. He had always assumed that Richard's reign would go on forever, the man appeared so brave and almost unstoppable. Robin's face was now as dark as Charli's.
"Prince John raised the Taxes!"
"On Richard's orders!" Charli said. "Robin, since Richard was crowned King, on average, how long would you say he has spent in the country? He was crowned in 1189, right?"
Robin gave a reluctant nod, and Charli continued. "And then he went to war when, 1190? And now its 1192."
"Well, he…" Robin was cut off by Charli. "I'll bet you anything that he had been on British soil for less than sixth months. Because, in ten years, he spends a total of only six months in England. Oh yes, that's the mark of a great King!"
"He was a great King!" Robin's voice had raised a level. "He was brave and courageous, and he went to war for England, to spread the message of a free world…"
"A Christian world. There's a definite difference." Robin had nothing to say to her about this, as he privately agreed, having seen the fighting first hand. So he changed the subject.
"Even so, he went to help Pope Gregory!"
Tanya rolled her eyes. If there was one thing Charli found more annoying than the subject of the Royals, then it was the subject of religious conflicts. Religious herself, Charli found it difficult to listen to people who claimed that they fought on the word of their God, and had a low tolerance for anyone who tried to tell her that it was so.
"Whoopee," Charli muttered. "And what about the girl he was betrothed too? Princess Alys? He broke that off pretty soon, simply because of who her brother was, even though he had kept the betrothal earlier when it was suspected that his brother had been with her, because he wanted her Dowry!"
"He fell in love on the way to the Holy War!" Robin snapped. "I was there, remember."
"He had been betrothed since he was three! If I recall, that's not something that's taken lightly in the 12th century, is it! And he was still betrothed to Alys when he married Berengaria of Navarre. And don't you tell me he fell in love, lords and ladies and royalty very rarely fell in love… it was a tacticians marriage!"
"I was there!" Robin repeated again, slightly amazed that she knew all of this, right down to King Richard's wife's name.
"And he was gay." Tanya couldn't resist pointing out, although whether she was trying to aid Charli's argument of Robin's argument, she wasn't sure.
"Bi-Sexual." Charli corrected. "Richard did not bring his so called wife to England until after he had died, and then she had to sue the church to be recognised officially as his widow…" She trailed off, realising that it was not fair to argue with Robin about things that had not yet happened for him. "Anyway, maybe Coeur de Lion was not the great King that his followers thought he was." She expected an argument back from Robin, and so was slightly shocked when she looked up to find him staring at her, looking slightly devastated.
"When does King Richard die?"
"1199. He has ten years on the throne of England, if you could call it that."
"Does the war end before he dies?" The other outlaws, Much especially, sat up. They had been listening silently, a little shocked that Charli knew so much about their time period, and interested in the argument. But now, their curiosity had been further heightened. Charli answered Robin's query with a nod.
"It ends in 1192 actually. There is a peace treaty between Salah al-Din and King Richard." The outlaws, minus Much, frowned in confusion at her pronunciation of the Muslim War Lord's name. Robin answered their concerns.
"She mean's Saladin, its how the Muslim's pronounce it."
"It's how it should be pronounced." Charli corrected, but Robin brushed her comment aside.
"So the war is over? Richard comes home, John stops taxing the England…everything can go back to where it was?" He asked. Eagerly.
Charli's face fell. This was where the difficult part came in. How much did she tell Robin and the gang about history, about their future. Explaining the history of Versailles had not been a problem, as it had not effected the Outlaws at all, but this… telling them this could change the course of the past and alter the fabric of the future.
She shook her head. "You're going to have to wait to find out Robin. I wish I could tell you, but I cant."
Robin nodded understandingly, much to everyone else's disappointment, knowing that some things were better left unsaid. Maybe knowing exactly what was going to happen in the future of his life wasn't such a good thing. "Fair enough."
"What about me?" Much sat on the edge of his seat. "Do I get my lands at Bonchurch?"
Tanya shrugged. "I dunno, I didn't even know you existed until I met you." Much's mouth dropped open.
"I did." Offered Charli. "Is your real name Muchlyn?"
Alan sniggered, hiding his grin behind his hand. Djaq glared at the man. "Leave him alone." She then looked over at Much and grinned. "Is this true?"
Much looked highly offended and Robin clapped him on the shoulder, grinning. "I didn't tell her, promise"
Charli grinned. "Yeah, I knew it was. Your in some of the ballads, Muchlyn the Millers Son."
Much opened and closed his mouth several time before taking a deep breath and puffing out his chest. "Well! I happen to be very proud of my name and who I am!"
Everyone burst out laughing at his protest. "So that's why you didn't tell us your name was Muchlyn?" Alan spluttered.
"Okay, leave Much alone." Charli said this time, grinning. "I'm sure there is more than enough dirt in the ballads that Tanya and I could use to embarrass every single one of you."
The group all stopped laughing at her words, it was Robin who narrowed his eyes. "Go on then. Try if you dare."
"Was that a challenge?" Charli retorted.
"On your life it was."
"We'd have to research it..." Tanya pretended to look upset. "But we don't have the laptop with us! Sorry."
Charli made a mental to note to dig up some dirt on the man as soon as they returned to England. In the meantime, she continued to glare at Robin. "You think you're safe."
Robin laughed. "You don't scare me."
"She scares me," Will muttered. "Please don't tell me I'm Robin's brother...I really couldn't handle that."
"I think it would be sweet" Charli grinned. "Who's the elder between you two, because if we find out you are and Will's older, then Robin has to surrender his lands and his title..."
Robin's sniffed, his eyes darting over to Will. "I am of course, by quite a few years. I'll not be surrendering anything to anyone thank you."
"You need to get your lands BACK first, before you can even surrender them to anyone."
Robin's eyes flashed dangerously this time, and Will backed off, knowing he had overstepped the mark. "Sorry. I did not mean..."
"What did you mean?" Tanya's word conveyed true interest as she tried to avert Robin's attention from Will. He glanced over at her, but it was Charli who answered.
"The Sheriff claimed your lands when you went to war?"
"Gisborne did." Alan told her.
Robin glared at Alan next, but his question was directed at Charli. "How do you know so much about us?"
"History." Charli said simply. "I like it."
"Did us locking you in the bathroom yesterday not teach you anything?" He asked fiercely and somewhat alarmed.
Charli sat back in her chair, thinking back to the events of yesterday. It had been quite amusing when she had tried to give the outlaws a lesson in French history, but in the end, it had resulted in the gang carrying her to the hotel bathroom and locking her in just to shut her up. She looked over at Robin again, the look on his face scaring her slightly. "Hey...I'm sorry. It's just...I find it all interesting."
He leaned in closer to her, placing his arms on the table, his eyes blazing. "It may seem so to you, because it happened eight hundred years ago. Unfortunately for me, it's happening right now. So I see nothing 'interesting' about it."
"But technically its still interesting," Charli pointed out. "Don't you think?" She looked to Will for help, but he simply raised an eyebrow, too scared to join in her argument with Robin. "I always thought you were outlaws because you rebelled against the Sheriff, I hadn't realised it was because he took your lands."
"Charli, you should probably shut up now." Tanya muttered.
If looks could kill, Charli would have been pretty much dead. Robin leaned back in his chair, studying the woman for a while, an un-readable expression on his face. "Clearly Nottingham 1192 is not your strong point. Maybe you should look into it a little more before you start assuming what happened. Or if you're really interested, I could tell you myself, seeing as live it every day, along with the rest of these men here. Would you like me to begin now?"
"Hey, that's practically the dark ages!" Charli defended herself. "There are not many documents around at all! Not everyone is convinced you exist! Tanya here wasn't until you practically fell on us!" Her eyes grew wide as an idea began to form in her mind. "You have to tell me everything. I'll write a book! I'll record everything you say and then when you are gone I'll write a book about it!"
Robin shook his head in disbelief before getting to his feet. "You are unbelievable. I'm going to use the bathroom."
Tanya watched as the man stalked off, she then turned her head and glared at her friend. "Well done. Does the word 'tact' mean anything to you?"
"Not really, no," Charli smirked. "Should it?"
Tanya whacked her on the arm, but received nothing more than a small pout from her friend. "I'm going to make sure he's ok. Will, beat some sense into her, will you?" She got up and walked after Robin.
"Don't mind him," Much offered as Tanya ran after him.
"I don't." Charli replied.
"It's just a touchy subject," the man continued anyway. "I blame this world for making a good man bad. I mean, put yourself in his position. Someone comes and takes away your home along with everything you own. You're worried sick about the people you care about and you can't do anything about it because you're classed as an outlaw."
"He is doing something about it." Charli pointed out, sighing. Much was right, but the man didn't need to get so touchy when she started talking about history all the time. He had done the same thing the day before, when locking her in her bathroom. She had prepared visual aids and everything, but he'd still bundled her away.
"Yes, he is trying his best and I guess that's all that matters," Much agreed.
"Good will prevail!" Alan said a little too loudly, causing several heads to turn.
Charli rolled her eyes. "Yes Alan, hopefully it will."
"Oh and..." he quickly looked around as if to check no one was listening. "What happens to Alan A Dale? Can you at least tell me?"
Charli shrugged. "You marry and die. As is the way of the world. And that's all I'm telling you, so don't ask," she said as he opened his mouth to respond.
"As long as I am not involved in his future, I do not care," Djaq teased.
"Djaq!" Alan tried to look a little hurt. "I hope you're not being serious."
"Of course I'm being serious," she laughed. "You Alan A Dale are not the person I envisioned myself settling down with, if I ever do."
"None of us envisioned any of this either," Will gestured around the place. "One minute we were in the forest and next in 2006."
"That's not the same." Djaq pointed out.
"Will just means that anything could happen." Charli translated. "So I wouldn't say that if I were you. You've been getting rather close on this little trip."
Djaq, for the first time, blushed furiously at her words, her eyes flicking between Alan and the table quickly. "Are you guys seeing this?" Alan chuckled. "She's embarrassed!"
"Leave her alone." Much placed his arm protectively around Djaq's shoulder. "I'm not surprised she is embarrassed, this is Alan. A. Dale we are talking about. I'd be embarrassed!"
"Actually, Much, you and John are the only two that haven't gotten close to someone, is there something going on you aren't telling us about?" Charli grinned wickedly.
"SORRY?" John boomed at the same time Much said, "I do not think so!"
Charli laughed, throwing her hands up in defense. "I was kidding!"
"I want Robin back." Much glared at her. "He stopped you from being mean."
"No he didn't."
"Yes, well I want him back anyway."
"Shut up and eat your frogs legs." Charli grinned. "Unfortunately, I still love you all." She added, not wanting them to think that she was actually being mean.