In The Darkness

In this chapter, it kinda explains why Severus was so into the Defence Against the Dark Arts and such. Just my take on things! I know, it's boring, it's his history and stuff. But hey, it's needed!

Chapter 25

"Let me warn you. Some of the things you are about to see may not make sense. This is because it is purely a child's memory. The way I saw things as a child are the way that things are portrayed. If it jumps or skips parts, it is because it is a part that I have tried to forget."

He closed his eyes again, and felt the world around him dissolve to a colour somehow darker than the dense blackness that already surrounded them.

The colour rebuilt itself around him again. Brilliant cherry oak appeared in front of him, crimson reds with gold trimmings shone brightly in front of him. He was there, in his dining room. He was 14 years old.

He looked at the plate in front of him, noticing how his fork was absentmindedly pushing peas around his plate. He looked at the time. 19:30.

"Severus. Please, eat the food that God has thankfully put on your plate." Sighing, he pushed some peas onto his fork and forced them in his open mouth and eventually down his throat. The slimly feel of them sliding down made him feel sick.

"Mother, please, I don't like these."

"If you don't like them, then don't eat them, but eat your salad. I put extra rocket in it for you." There was a pause.

"Where's father?"

"Your father is working late." A pause.

"I don't believe you."

"Excuse me?"

"I said that I don't believe you." His mother sat staring at him, mouth open wide. He had just accused her of lying. How could he be so blatantly rude?

"I'm sorry mother. I didn't know what I was saying."

"If you don't believe that he is working, then where, prey tell, do you think he is?"

"Mother, I don't want to upset you…"

"I have asked you a question, Severus, I would like to hear your honest answer." Well, here it goes…

"I think that he is with his friends. I think that he is lying to us when he tells us that he is working late. He is with Mr Malfoy and everybody else."

His mother sat and stared at him. Severus felt a wave of guilt rise in his stomach as he thought of how badly he must have hurt his mother. He tried to cancel it out by telling himself that she had asked for his honesty. But sometimes, honesty isn't all the best policy. But he so wanted his mother to realise how badly his father was treating her. How could she let him treat her like this?

"Severus. You have no idea of what your father does for us."

"He brings us nothing but trouble and pain."

"Severus! How dare you speak of your father like that!"

"But it is true. He treats you like you are a dog. He beats and hits you and pokes fun at you whenever his friends come home with home. He takes me with him to his friend's houses, and I don't like it. But he does it anyway, merely to keep up appearances…"

"Severus please…"

"No mother! Too many times have I cooled your swollen face. Too many times have I had to clean splatters of your blood from the floor. Too many times I have heard you cry in the night as you wait for the husband that never comes home until you are asleep, only to leave first thing in the morning. I worry everyday for you when I am at school, when I know that there is nothing I can do to protect you! He is not the man he used to be. He is hurting us both! We must leave him! Before everything gets worse!"

She was silently trying to conceal her tears, her hand covering her mouth. How he wished that she didn't cry. How he wanted her to jump up and agree, happy for hearing that her son didn't love the horrible man either, so that they could run away together. But she didn't. She just sat there, speechless. Suddenly it hit Severus. This was her life. She could never escape it. And neither could he. He would not stop trying though.

"Mother, I have learnt things at Hogwarts. I am much brighter than other people in my year, I have been studying so much. My Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher has let me have some of his books to read, I know spells that most people don't. I can protect us. I can hide us from people, give us new names and identities. It took me a long time to be able to do it, and I have had a hard time trying, but I can do it. Please mother, let us leave tonight!"

She still sat, silent. Crystal tears slid down her face. Her eyes fluttered open and faced his stare for the first time. Her face creased as more tears fell from her beautiful blue eyes as she gently shook her head.

"Mother…"

"Severus…"

"Mother, please, listen to me…"

"Severus, you do not know what you say. I know that your father will forgive you."

"No mother, I do know…"

"Severus, you speak of things that you truly do not understand. You do not understand what your father does. Please, say no more."

"But mother…"

Suddenly a door slamming broke both of their attention. His mother rose quickly and rushed towards the source of the noise, and Severus found himself following her, even though he knew what he was to find…

His father stood in the grand entrance, glazed eyes stared into nothingness, contemplating whatever it was that a monster contemplated, the young Severus thought to himself. He saw his mother rush up to him, arms wrap around him, calling his name. She gently shook him to no avail, rising concern growing on her face. She cuddled him again, calling his name. Suddenly his hand twitched alive, and strong arms wrapped around her tender form, Severus noticed. His voice was mumbled as he sobbed into her neck.

"I was there. I am so sorry. So sorry…"

"For what? Izacke please, tell me…"

"I was there… I was there…"

"Where? Please…"

"How could I, please, please, forgive me, I am so sorry…"

"You're scaring me Izacke, please tell me what is wrong, are you hurt?"

"I looked her in the eyes…"

"Who? What have they done to you? My god, you're shaking…"

"How could I? How could I? Those eyes…. Those eyes… those emerald green eyes…"

Severus heard the sound of his own voice, even though he didn't think that he was saying anything. His mother turned quickly to face him, apparently unaware that he was watching. His father's own black eyes were red and sore looking.

"Severus my darling, go to bed. Father will be fine, please, just go to bed."

He didn't argue. He didn't fight. He simply turned, and made his way to his bedroom.

Suddenly it was the next morning. The frosty sunlight tried to filter through the heavy curtains, peeping through the tiny hole where they had not been drawn properly. He pulled them back, opening his steamed window to reveal a world of silver and white, and a sky of pastel blue and pinks. He smiled to himself, knowing that it was definitely Christmas.

He was only waiting for a few minutes before his owl came soaring silently from the morning sky, giving him an affectionate nip as he untied the morning newspaper from her leg. He sat on the open window as he opened the paper, absentmindedly stroking his feathers with his right hand. His eyes were drawn to the big heading on the front.

"NIGHT ATTACK IN DERBYSHIRE- 5 DEAD"

The smile dropped from his young face as he read the details. A family, mother and father with 3 children, killed last night in yet another violent attack. Unprovoked, no witnesses, violent deaths, possibly related to the string of attacks on muggles and wizard families alike up and down the country…

The young Severus shuddered. How could anybody do such a thing? He looked over at the photograph of the family. The father had a strong build, holding the mother in a warm embrace as the smiled at the camera. The smallest child, a girl, aged only about 4, wandering around the parent's legs. The middle child, a boy, aged about 9 or 10, pulling stupid faces at the camera. And the oldest child, a girl, aged about 15 or 16, running to pick up the youngest and pull her away from the mother's legs, kneeling down to the infants level to laugh and smile with her, then pointing to the camera and telling the infant to wave… the most fantastic emerald green eyes sparkling as she looked at the camera…. Something in Severus's mind clicked. The older Severus tried to look away, knowing what was to happen. He tried to stop the bile from rising from his stomach as he was suddenly running down the stairs, through a set of doors and into the dining room.

"YOU MONSTER! HOW COULD YOU! HOW COULD YOU!"

"Severus, what is the meaning of th…."

"He was there! He did this! Him and his friends! This is what they do for fun, this is what he has been doing all those nights when he claimed to be working!"

"Severus!"

"Look! Look! Have you not seen the paper today mother? A muggle family, brutally murdered last night. He was there! He did it! This is what they talk about doing mother! This is what they do! How could you! You sick, vile, monster!"

His father had sat there, motionless as these accusations where thrown at him, his arm in mid air, holding the now cold piece of toast still.

"Don't you deny it! Don't you dare deny it! I know you where there! I know! How could you! I have muggle friends! I have muggle friends who are the same age as that girl that you killed last night! Who have the same colour eyes as her! What did you do to her? Torture her? Rape her? Did you make her scream? Did you make her cry out for death, make her do all of those things that you talk about doing with your friends? You're a filthy, sick man!"

Severus stood, paper thrown to his father's feet, his breathing hard and fast. His father looked at the photo, then looked up at his son, those black eyes boring into his own.

"I will not lie to you anymore Severus. If you want to know, then you can. You are old enough to make your own decisions now."

"Where you there? Last night, where you there at that house?" His father couldn't bear his stare any longer, and broke away from it. "Tell me it's not true father." He sighed.

"I was there last night Severus."

He felt tears fill his eyes as he looked at his father in a different light. The sick, perverted murderer. He had nothing to say to him. He spat at his feet, and stormed of the room, not answering his mother's calls for him to come back.

The world around him turned black again, and all he could hear was the sound of his father's voice, explaining through his locked bedroom door. He couldn't have told a single word back to him though, for he truly was not listening.

The world built up once again around them, and Severus felt a shudder tingle down his spine as he realised what day this was. Christmas.

He walked slowly down the stairs, ready to take his presents upstairs to open, and throw away anything that his father may have bought him. Fear ran through the older Severus, as he knew what was to happen, and he couldn't help but scream at himself not to go through the doors. But of course, he did.

The room sparkled with Christmas decorations, like it always did. The fire was roaring tremendously, the tree was huge with lavish gold and red decoration. Standing next to it, was the young Lucius Malfoy, his best friend. It was only then that he realised that the room held an extra 5 people in that shouldn't be there, his father included.

"Mr Malfoy, what a pleasant surprise. Merry Christmas." He said automatically.

"Young Mister Snape. Merry Christmas to you too. But we were just leaving, please, join us."

Severus looked at his father, whose eyes did not meet his. He took a deep breath, knowing that he would be able to talk to Lucius in a little more detail if he went along with them.

Suddenly they were outside, the cold winter air stinging his eyes and he pulled his black polo necked jumper higher over his face. He was climbing a steep hill, his father lagging behind somewhat with some of the other members of the small group. However Lucius was up front, talking to him the whole way.

"I have helped them arrange this. You will be so surprised. And what a better day to receive this present, than on Christmas. You will like it so much."

"What is it, Lucius?"

"Ah, my friend, I cannot tell you! It was spoil the surprise!" His grey eyes glistened as his smile widened. They were coming close to the top, and Lucius turned to him again. "Let me give you some advice. Agree to everything they say. No matter what you think of it, because believe me, it is better than it sounds. And do not, DO NOT cry out."

"Cry out from what?"

"You'll see." That smile was sensational.

As they topped the hill, There was a small group of people stood in a circle. The circle had gaps in it, and when everybody else caught up, they took their places in the circle. He took a place next to his father and Lucius. Lucius was finding it difficult to stop himself from smiling at the puzzlement of Severus. A man suddenly appeared with a small Pop in the middle of the circle. He looked around the group, then began to speak.

The rest of the memory was a blur. Too much emotion for one mind to cope with, it had all been mixed into one. Severus watched as his young self knelt on the cold, damp grass before the Dark Lord, repeating everything that his father was telling him to say in his mind. He watched as the Dark Lord smirked as he finished speaking. He watched as suddenly a shot of blue light came from a wand and hit his face, knocking him to the floor with a blinding pain which brought small dancing lights. The pain continued, but soon rupturing from his arms, legs, stomach, head, anywhere that his attackers could hit. Looking up at the cold morning sky, the vision of a boot to his face made him shudder. He watched on as the group moved him, each taking it in turns to hit, kick and spit at him, tell him how worthless he was. He looked into his own father's pain filled eye as he brought his fist down over his 14 year old son's left eye. He felt his nose break, his nose and lips burst with blood. It seemed to be endless, a constant pain that just soared over his senses. He had no idea of how long he was there, but a voice brought them to a halt.

That was just the beginning.

His body, bent and broken on the floor, rigid and unable to move, fingers digging into the damp soil, his swollen eyes screwed up tightly, face contorted and twisted as the sound of his screams echoed over the otherwise silent hills. Then blissful relief as it stopped, only to be started again. Over, and over.

His body the only thing protesting as he did exactly what the man said. He took his clothes off, sang and danced for them, ate the grassy mud that he had made by writhing in pain in it. He touched himself, said things about his mother, and the whole time the group laughed and laughed at him.

The pain and the humiliation was endless. How long he was there he did not know. Too much pain, too much emotion.

Then, a cloth. A piece of cloth waved in front of the only eye that he could barely see out of. A purple, silk cloth. A voice.

"Kiss it. Dedicate yourself to me."

His breath caught in his throat as he coughed violently, spitting blood and mucus on the ground underneath him. He looked up at the man stood before him, his body screaming at him to stop. His foot to his face made him look away.

"Do you dedicate your life and death to me?" Through the pain, Severus tried to think. But there was nothing to think of, he couldn't focus. He was in too much pain. Slowly, he picked himself up to his hands and knees, leaning forward carefully.

"I dedicate all that I am to you, my Lord."

His cracked lips puckered slightly as they made contact with the soft cloth. His lips, swollen and bruised were covered in blood, the will to lick or wipe the blood away had long since passed. The man smirked as he knelt besides the young Severus, oblivious to the slight gasps of the other members present.

"Sseveruss. You have proved yourself to me. If you can endure one more thing, I will take all of the pain away, that pain that is just flowing over you. Can you do that for me, Sseveruss?"

After a slight pause and some more coughing, he spluttered "For you, master, I will do anything." The man stood, grabbing Severus's arm and pulling it straight. Pointing his wand at his forearm he began to murmur a spell almost silently. For a few moments nothing happened. Then, three tiny beams of green, red and black light shone from the end of his wand, brilliantly bright they shone, the length of the light controlled so that it was only a few inched out of the wand. It gradually got closer and closer to his arm, until at last the black light touched his arm.

Instantly a pain like nothing he had experienced burst through his arm, daggered seemingly dragged over his skin, painting a dark outline of a skull. Suddenly, memories which he thought he had forgot came flooding back, watching his Grandmother's coffin slowly lower into the ground, opening his bedroom door to see his first ever owl dead, holding the last letter that he ever delivered, walking through Hogwarts School with people jeering and laughing at him… all those sad, depressing thoughts, his thoughts and feeling were magnified and intensified, so much so that he thought that his heart might burst with the sadness of it all…

As the red light touched his arm, suddenly the thoughts of his own pain and sadness diminished, and he suddenly, a feeling of true hatred and anger as he saw James Potter, with that mutt of a man Sirius Black, laughing and joking, poking fun at him, getting everyone to laugh with them at him. Walking along the corridor, about to be late for a lesson when James would cause his bag to split, and his immensely heavy load of books and ink pots smashed all over the floor, only to receive a detention for being late as James and Sirius sauntered into the class after him with no punishment at all, feeling his blood boil at the injustice of it all, wishing that he could get James alone with no wand. Seeing James with Lily Evans, the only girl he had ever… fancied, wishing that he could tear Potter's glasses off his face and ram them down that annoying throat so that he couldn't say or do a thing but watch as he took what he wanted from Lily…

And finally, the green light dragged over his skin, causing a thousand memories of success, triumph and achievement, all those things that had made him feel good, realising that he had done well, thoughts flooded his mind as pain ravaged his body…

And then it was over. It was only when he stopped that he realised that his broken voice had in fact been screaming with pain, that his swollen eyes had cried salty red tears. He couldn't help but sob as he fell to the floor, hands cradling his head, wishing that he bore the feelings out of his head.

"Sseveruss, you did not like those thoughts, no? They would slowly drive you insane, knowing that you had felt them so often. Knowing that you had wished to kill and maim people. Those feelings of despair and sadness are truly harrowing, are they not? I can take them all away. Numb the pain of living, kill those emotions and give you only those feelings of triumph and happiness. Never again will you feel guilt, sadness or anger. Only the things that you deserve. Do you want them, Sseveruss?"

"Y, yes!" He sobbed.

"For you to feel that, we must be true to ourselves. We must rid ourselves of those who are infecting us. We must make the world pure. Do you understand me, Sseveruss?"

"Y, yes!"

"Will you do that for me? Will you do what is necessary?"

"Yes m, master!"

He then straightened. Severus did not hear what was said, but suddenly his father was pulled forward, his mask ripped from his face.

"Izacke, you have never been truly loyal to me. Your motivations for joining us were purely for yourself and your family, never for me. You have betrayed me. You didn't think that I would find out did you? But I did. You must pay for your lack of judgement and your errors…"

"Sseveruss! This man has betrayed me. He has stood against everything that I have built. Everything that that we stand for, and he has gone against us. He is a traitor, and he must be punished. What sshall we do to him?"

Thoughts of those greens eyes suddenly bore into his mind as he looked at his father. He killed them. His mother's sad smile everytime he walked in…

"Hurt him." Was all that he said.

Time was ignored. He could not even recall what they had done to him. It was horrendous. Diabolical. Unspeakable. He only watched the first few hexes, then a feeling of sickness washed over his stomach, intensifying the pain slightly. Yet he would look at that man, who promised him to rid him of his pain, and the sickness would go.

Eventually they left his father's broken body alone, in what were to be last, agonising moments of life. Severus had been pulled to his feet at last, held straight by his new master.

"Sseveruss, do you know what this man did to betray me?"

"No, master." He said slowly.

"He tried to save a family that he was sent to kill. He tried to let them escape. He refused to kill them. The family of muggles in Derbyshire…"

Time stood still. There was nothing in his mind. His father had tried to save those muggles…

He never wanted any of this. He joined to protect his family. To protect other innocent families if he could…

He had ordered his father's assault. Put him through the same physical pain that he had been through, even worse perhaps. He had hated him for what he did, yet he did it all for him. He had hated him for all the wrong reasons…

"Nothing I do is without reason…"

"Sseveruss… finish him. He deserves to die for what he did to me. Kill him for me, Sseveruss…"

The green light had poured out of the end of Severus's wand like the last saving grace for his father. His only remedy. The only this that he would do for him, the only way to take away that pain…

And as he poured the last part of his emotion over his father's dead body, Severus realised that he never wanted to feel like this again. This self hatred, this loathing, this guilt, this pain. And the man who had now took him by the arm was the one who could give him that. His New Master. Lord Voldemort.

Ok, so VERY L O N G chapter! I've been away for a while, so I firgure that you guys deserved a long chapter, even if it was a little boring! But now you know why he is alone, and has no feelings... nicer chapter will come I swear! I haven't replied to everyones reviews... SORRY TO EVERYONE I DIDNT REPLY TO! I WILL DO IN TE NEXT CHAPTER!

SeagullGirl- I am veryy happy that I make you happy! I hope that you like this chapter!

SmeagulTheWeasul- Oreos are ace! We don't overly get them over here in England, but whenever I go to the States I always bring loads back. Along with cookie dough...

Song Angel- Hope that this isn't too much background info! Well it probably is, but I think that it is needed! A big slive of chocolate cake sounds good to me!

xxXGoddessXofXdeadXloveXxx- Poor Snape! He's been through a lot hasn't he? He deseves to be happy... it will all come in time!

LovelyLene- I haven't given up on this story, I will confess that I was going to, but then I decided thhat it needed finishing! Hope you like the chapter!

selinabln- I am flattered. Thank you very much. I REALLY hope that you like this, and that it makes sense!

Helena- So happy that you don't find it boring. Best chapter? Would you think?

Lyssa Snape- To read it all in one day is a hell of a lot of Fic reading! You get two Oreos!

ssslythrin- I know I didn't hurry, but, erm, heres another chappie for you?

sasha- I'm glad that you like it! I hate those stories where they just all of a sudden fall in love! It just doesnt happen like that!

Anglic Bladez- Good things come to those who wait, and good things like steamy red hot action come in time! Trust me!