What Destiny Is
AN: Yes, yes, sorry again, but here is the next chapter.
Warnings: Language
Disclaimer: I don't own Supernatural
oOOOOOoOOOOOo
I know you have a little life in you yet.
I know you have a lot of strength left.
I know you have a little life in you yet.
I know you have a lot of strength left.
Chapter five
Sam had fallen asleep again. Dean didn't have the heart to wake him up, even if he was getting really uncomfortable with Sam in his lap. He had been awake for so long he felt like he would fall down as soon as he even tried to walk. So he just stayed where he was, arms tightly around the younger boy.
You sure look peaceful... Dean thought bitterly as he looked at John. "You couldn't just... Call for help? And they wonder why am I so stubborn that I never ask for anyone for help! They think it's too much responsibility for me. They all do, Caleb, my teacher, I think even Sammy thinks so. You and I are the only ones that don't. And you and I are the only ones right. I can take care of Sam, I want to take care of Sam but... Dad, I can't become his... dad. You have to wake up."
Sam opened his eyes slowly, listening to Dean's quiet and, amazingly, even voice.
"You can't leave us here alone. Even if Caleb's right and no one would take Sam it would still just be too hard. I can't do it, Dad. I love Sam too much. I wouldn't be able to offer him what I'm suppose to. I can't take care of him all the time when I don't even know am I old enough not to be taken care of. I grew up the night Mom died. But even you need to be taken care of sometimes, why should I need to learn how to take care of myself when I'm still goddammit 14!"
Dean had never complained before. Never. But he was just so scared, just so freaking close to just... do something very stupid he couldn't hold it back. No one would hear. 'Cept for the almost ten year old little boy who wanted nothing more than to just hug the breath out of big brother.
"It's Sammy's birthday tomorrow, Dad. And all he wants is for you to wake up. I bought him tickets for a baseball game and all he wants is for you to wake up. That's not fair. That's not fair for Sam and fuck it isn't fair for me. I could've bought so much with that money but I wanted Sammy's 10th birthday to be special, he's waited for this for so long! I wanted to see that game. For once I wanted us all do something together. Something fun so no, a midnight talk in a goddamn hospital room doesn't count."
A sigh escaped Dean's mouth and a single tear rolled down on his cheek.
"Wake up, Dad. For Sam, just... wake up."
It took a moment for Dean to register that two arms had made their way behind his neck. "It's okay, Dean. I'll take care of you for a minute", Sam whispered. Just for a minute, just for a time Dean could take it. Dean tightneded his hold of his brother a little more and buried his head on his shoulder. Sam felt a little smile come onto his face. Maybe he could help Dean a little.
--
"Now it needs a pair", Sam announced as he looked at his hand.
"What?" Dean asked, confused.
"It needs a pair. I'm now one full hand old. When will I be two full hands old?" Sam asked.
"In five years, Sam", Dean answered, smiling.
"But I am five!" Sam pointed out.
"Yes, but in five years you're gonna be ten. Two full hands. Like I almost am", Dean explained.
"Will I be as smart and tall?" Sam asked exitedly. Dean laughed.
"Don't know. Would you like to be?" Dean asked.
"Yes!" Sam replied, smiling widely. "I'll be just like you!" he said.
"You'll never be just like me, kiddo."
"Why?" There was disappointment in Sam's voice.
"Cuz I'm your big brother. And I look out for you and take care of you. That's my job."
"But it's my job, too!" Sam said as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. "I wanna take care of you, Dean! If you get into a trouble, I wanna safe you!"
"Why?"
"Cuz... I don't want you to get hurt. Or... you to go away. Like Mommy..."
Dean smiled a little. "Well. Let's hope I'll never get into that much trouble."
--
Dean woke up to realize Sam was no longer sitting in his lap. Looking around his heart pounding he found Sam sleeping in another chair. Dean fell back on his own chair and allowed himself to relax. It must had been some time of the afternoon since the hall outside the room was kinda busy. Dean's sleep rythm was screwed to hell but at least he had got some sleep.
"Hungry?" Dean turned around to see Caleb in the doorway. He was about to say no when his stomach made a funny sound. Caleb smiled and brought him a cheeseburger.
"Thanks."
"You're welcome."
Dean unwrapped the paper that covered the burger that smelled so sweet after so many nights of just mac and cheese. "What time is it?" he asked as he took his first bite.
"About 4 pm", Caleb replied.
"Great. So I won't be sleeping this night either", Dean mumbled and took another bite. "What happened anyway?" he asked, nodding at John.
Caleb bit his lower lip. Yes, Dean should know. No, it wouldn't make much of a difference. Sighing Caleb took a third chair and sat down. "I don't really know everything. John called me to help on this hunt. It was an empty house. The spirit that had died in there had killed so far everyone who dared to go in. By the time I got there John was already fighting it. I don't know how but the spirit got the upper hand and John fell down from the second floor. I drived him here and went to finish the hunt."
"Stubborn idiot..." Dean mumbled.
"Huh?"
"I said stubborn idiot. He could've just as easily wait 'til you got there. But no, mr. John Winchester had to take care of this alone. I mean, what's the point in calling for help if you know it won't get there in time?" Dean said.
"I think that's what they call faith", Caleb said. Dean turned to look at him, confused. "You don't always know will you get help in time. But you still ask for it. Everyone in their own way. Some people ask help from God, some call friends, some snuggle under their parents' arms... Some turn to their big brothers", Caleb said, pointing at Sam. "And sometimes even the big brother should have a little faith."
"Well, that's the difference between me and Sam, isn't it? He doesn't have to have faith in the fact that I'll be there, I'll always be there. He knows that. And he tries to be there for me and he's actually very good at it but he's ten. Ten. And as much as I appreciate him trying it's just... Sometimes it's just not enough", Dean said quietly. The truth was that Dean didn't want it to be enough. He wanted to have the right to turn to someone older every once in a while. Just for a change.
"Ever heard of a telephone, Dean?"
"What?"
"You know that amazing thing you use to call people that you can't see."
"And how often exactly are you home?" Dean asked, knowing what Caleb was trying to say.
"That's why someone came up with voice mail. God bless him", Caleb replied. He smiled a little to the younger hunter and a little wider when he saw a teeny tiny grin on Dean's face,
Suddenly they heard a moan coming from the youngest one in the room and Dean's grin faded as the big brother kicked in. "Sammy?"
"No..."
"Sammy...? Hey, wake up, buddy. It's okay..."
"DAD!!!" Sam almost dropped off his chair as he jerked up, his eyes wide with horror and shiny with tears. He looked at John in the hospital bed and seemed beyond confused. "Dad? Wh..."
"Sam!"
Sam turned his head to Dean who was now kneeling down next to him. "Dean? What's going on, where...?" Then it all came back to him with a big wave. The horror left his eyes and turned into that fear that had been there since pastor Jim had called them. He sank back on his chair and and hugged his knees up to his chest. Dean almost hear the faint click that came from Sam locking himself up.
"Had a nightmare?" Dean asked. Sam shrugged. Oh yeah, locked up and swallowed the key. Dean turned to look at Caleb who nodded and stood up.
"I'll be back in an hour", he said and left the room.
Dean waited until he had closed the door and then turned his attention fully on his brother. "So, you had a nightmare." Now it wasn't a question but Sam still shrugged, his eyes never leaving John. "Wanna talk about it?" No response. "You tell me when you want to, huh?" Nothing. "You hungry? Caleb brought burgers."
That caught Sam's attention. He was too hungry to pretend that he wasn't and took the burger Dean took from the bag Caleb had left with gratitude. The room was quiet, silence being disturbed only by the sounds of the machines that surrounded John and Sam's eating.
"Does Dad know I love him?" Sam suddenly asked, catching Dean completely off guard.
"Of course he does! Why'd you ask that?"
"Because I never say it! And I should. Everyone diservers to know that they're loved", Sam said.
"Where's this coming from, Sammy?" Dean asked.
"It's just the way it is", Sam said. He threw the empty burger paper to the trash can and silence fell on the boys again. "How do people know that they're loved if no one ever tells it to them?" Sam asked, breaking the short silence into thousand pieces.
"Uh... I guess people act different when they're with the people they love", Dean said, not really knowing what Sam meant.
"Like how?"
"Well, you know... They'd do anything for people they love, they want to protect them... They don't get angry about little stuff, they behave nicer and they always apologize if they've been fighting. It's in their actions, Sammy. Even if they don't say it."
"So everyone knows they're loved by someone?" Sam asked.
"Yeah... I think so."
What a nice little picture had he drawn again. There must had been millions of people who couldn't even dare to think they were loved. Mary use to tell Dean every night that God loved him, that God loved everyone and back then Dean had believed it. But no more. He had seen way too much. And sometimes, when Dean came across with the most horrible things in this world, he thought God would be unfair if he would love everyone and everything.
"I love you, Dean", Sam said quietly. Dean raised his eyebrows at the little boy who just shrugged. "Needed to make sure you know."
"Uh... Thanks... Love you, too, little brother."
"What if he doesn't wake up, Dean?" Sam asked, his voice trembling.
"Sammy..."
"I need to tell him that I love him! I want him to see me graduate. I want him to know how much I miss him when he's on a hunt, I want him to know how proud I am that he kills evil things that no one else can kill! I want him to know that I'm not angry at him when he leaves... Dean, I need to tell him! I need to tell him, he has to know..."
And just like that, the boy who wanted so bad to be there for his big brother for a change, turned back into the boy who Dean protected with all his life. And he was still happy to do it.
"It's okay, Sammy", Dean said as he hugged Sam. "He will wake up. You'll see. Everything is gonna be fine."
Please, God... Help me a little here.
--
I should be crying, but I just can't let it show.
I should be hoping, but I can't stop thinking:
All the things I should have said, but I never said.
All the things we should have done, but we never did.
All the things I should have given, but I didn't.
Oh, darling, make it go,
Make it go away!
oOOOOOoOOOOOo
...tbc...
AN: Well, that was fun to write. Hope it was fun to read, too. See ya soon with the next chapter.
Lots of Love, tell me what you think of it.
Lyrics: Kate Bush, This Woman's Work