Chapter 19
Vader woke to find a medidroid peering into his face.
"Don't do that," he growled irritably.
The droid stepped back at one. "You're awake," it commented.
"Yes, I noticed," Vader replied, looking around the room.
"Dr. Drii has left orders that you are to get on your feet," the droid informed Vader.
On my feet? It's been a while since I had real feet, Vader reflected as he sat up in the bed with the droid's assistance. Slowly he swung his legs over the side of the bed. The floor beneath his feet was cold as he stared down at them, wiggling his toes.
What an odd sensation, he reflected as the droid helped him to stand up. The feeling of blood rushing into his new limbs caused a tingling all the way down to his brand new toes.
"Please inform me if you experience any pain or numbness," the droid said as it helped Vader walked across the room.
"I feel no pain," Vader said, realizing that it was the first time in twenty years that he was able to make such a statement. "There was some tingling in my toes when I first stood up, but it has passed."
"That is perfectly normal," the droid informed him. "It is merely the blood flowing into your new limbs."
Vader nodded. That sounds strange, he mused. "Let me try it alone," he told the droid.
"Very well," the droid replied, releasing Vader.
Vader stood still for a moment, ensuring that he had his balance. And then he took a step, and then another; and in no time he had crossed the room again.
"Very good, Lord Vader," the droid encouraged. "You are making remarkable progress."
Vader could not help but smile, something he had not done in many years until just recently, until I found my children.
"Now you must take it slowly at first," the droid cautioned as Vader crossed the room again, his pace quickening. But Vader would not hear of such a thing. Since when do I take anything slowly?
The door opened as Vader was walking toward it, revealing Dr. Deece. She was quite surprised to see Vader fully restored and up and moving about. She was struck not only by his youth, but by what a striking looking man he was. His eyes were the bluest she'd ever seen.
"You're looking very well," she told him. "Quite a remarkable transformation."
"Indeed it is," Vader replied. "I half believe it myself."
Deece nodded. "I have something for you," she said. "I forgot about it until just today." She reached into the pocket of her tunic. "Your wife left this behind, and I thought it might be important."
She withdrew her hand and pulled out a silver chain with a pendant around it. When Vader caught sight of it, his breath caught in his throat.
It was the japor snippet.
"She was wearing it when she was brought to us," Deece explained as she handed the chain to Vader.
Vader looked at the silver chain in his hand, a thousand memories flashing through his mind.
I made this for you. So you'd remember me. I carved it out of a japor snippet... It will bring you good fortune.
It's beautiful, but I don't need this to remember you. Many things will change when we reach the capital, Ani. My caring for you will always remain.
I care for you too…
Dr. Deece watched him, seeing the emotions that this seemingly simple piece of jewelry evoked within him.
"I take it this was significant?" she asked tentatively.
Vader simply nodded, his eyes not leaving the pendant. "I made this for Padmé when we were both children," he said softly.
Dr. Deece nodded. "Well then I'm glad I returned it to you."
Vader looked up at her finally. "Thank you," he said.
"You're welcome," She replied, and then left him.
As soon as she was gone, Vader sat down on the edge of the bed. He brought the pendant to his face and held it against his cheek, as though trying to feel the warmth of his wife's body through the cold wooden snippet. He closed his eyes against the tears that filled them. The guilt, the anguish and years of loneliness came pouring out of him at the sight of the simple gift he had given his angel so long ago.
Padmé had worn the pendant every day after they were married, even when she slept, she never removed it. She had told him that it was more precious to her than all the sumptuous jewels and gowns she had worn as Queen of Naboo. And she had left it behind…
Although he had been told how his wife had lost her memory, he had held out a sliver of hope that it was not so, that the doctors had been mistaken, and misdiagnosed her. But Padmé would never have left it behind if she was indeed of sound mind. She has no memory of our life together, no memory of the day we met, of our first kiss, of the day we were married, the wonderful times we shared…The reality of this hit him hard as he grasped the japor snippet tightly in his fist. Although she may very well be alive, his Padmé was gone. She would not know him even if he were able to find her; he would be but a stranger to her. She would not love him, and somehow that was far worse than if she was dead.
"Father?"
Vader looked up to see his children standing before him.
"This was your mother's," he said, opening his hand to show them the japor snippet. "I made it for her when we were children," he told them, staring down at the pendant. It was one of the only gifts I was ever able to give her, and she wore it every day of her life once we were married. And yet, she left it behind." He looked up at his children, his eyes full of torment and pain. "She left it behind! She doesn't have any memory of it, or of me...or of our life together."
"Or of Mustafar?" Luke asked.
Vader closed his eyes as the tears ran down his face. "You know what happened there?" he asked tiredly.
"Obi-Wan told us," Luke replied. "Everything, including what he did to you."
Vader opened his eyes and looked at his son, trying to determine what was in his heart. Did Luke hate him for what he had done to Padmé? Or was there enough compassion in his heart to see what had caused him to do such a heinous thing?
"I have lived with the consequences of that day every day since," Vader told his children. "For twenty years I believed that your mother died as a result of what I did, along with our unborn child. It was not until I met you, Leia, that I learned the truth. I learned that Palpatine had lied to me when he told me that I had killed your mother; he lied to me in order to keep me subservient. For twenty years that guilt and pain ate away at me; all I knew was darkness and despair. And then I found the two of you," he said. He stopped and looked down at the japor snippet in his hand once again. "I…I have never forgiven myself for what I did on that day," he told them quietly. "Nor do I expect you to forgive me. Now that you know the entire truth, all the ugliness, I won't blame you if you want nothing to do with me. I…I do not deserve your forgiveness, nor hers."
Leia felt the emotions churning within her, confusing her utterly. Part of her wanted to hate her father for what he had done to her mother, to walk away and never look back. And yet another part of her could feel the torment that dwelled within her father's soul. Had he not suffered enough already for what he had done? When was his debt considered paid? Were twenty years of painful, lonely anguish not enough?
Leia looked up at her brother, trying to read his emotions. He had not been as accepting of their father; would this be enough to sever the tenuous link that had begun to form between father and son?
"It wasn't easy hearing what happened on Mustafar," Luke said at last. "I can't even imagine what you went through…or what Mother went through," he stopped, not even certain what to say. "I don't know what I'm feeling right now, to be perfectly honest. I'm sort of numb, and I don't even know what to think or how to feel."
Vader looked at his son and nodded. "I understand that," he said. "You have had a lot thrust upon you in only a few days. Both of you have. Your lives have been turned upside down by what you have learned about me, about your mother; I cannot blame you for being confused and angry."
"It's not anger that I feel," Leia said, voicing her feelings for the first time.
Vader turned his eyes to hers, waiting for her to continue.
"It's sadness," she said, her voice thick with emotion. "Such profound sadness…it's so tragic, what happened. It breaks my heart to think of what might have been if only..." she stopped as her emotions overwhelmed her. She covered her face with her hands as the tears she had fought to hold at bay finally broke through.
Vader felt his heart ache as his daughter wept. He wanted to comfort her, wanted to take her into his arms and tell her that everything was going to be alright; but how could he do that if did he know what the future held? Besides, would she even want to be comforted by him now that she knew the extent of his atrocities?
Vader stood up. He looked at his son, who was struggling with his own emotions. Tentatively Vader put his hands upon Leia's shoulders. She jumped a bit at the unexpected contact and took her hands away from her face to look up at him. Looking up into her father's brilliant blue eyes, she saw the depth of his love for her.
"I'm so sorry," he said softly. "So very sorry."
Leia allowed him to draw her close to him, much to his surprise. Vader wrapped his arms around her as she wept.