A/N: I owe all of you a big apology. I'm so sorry I haven't updated earlier. But first I was a little uninspired and then a few things came up so I wasn't able to write. But here's a new chapter, finally. I hope you all like it!
Chapter 16 The aftermath
Lorelai opened her eyes. She looked at the alarm and was surprised to see it was already 8 o clock. 'Why didn't Lucan wake me up?' She almost jumped out of bed to see if her son was awake. When she opened the door to his room and found his bed empty she gasped, panic taking away her common sense. She ran down the stairs, calling her sons name. "Lucan." There was no-one downstairs. She checked the living room and then the kitchen. She even checked Rory's room. She walked back upstairs into Lucan's room, hoping it was all a dream. She walked to his crib and looked inside. There was a note. 'We took your son. We'll contact you in a few hours so stay near the phone.' All Lorelai could do was scream.
"Lorelai." Luke looked at his wife, shaking her arm. "Lorelai wake up."
Lorelai opened her eyes and sat up straight immediately. She turned around to look at Luke, when tears started streaming down her face.
"It was just a bad dream." Luke opened his arms and she leaned into him.
"It felt so real."
"You want to tell me about it?"
"It's the same as it was yesterday, and the day before that."
"Lucan's fine. He's asleep over there." He made her turn around so she could see him asleep in his bed. That's when she realized she wasn't in her own house, but that they were in Luke's old apartment.
"I want it to stop." She felt exhausted and knew she couldn't take much more. She was afraid to leave Lucan alone during the day. She made sure he was in her sight every second and wouldn't let Luke take him. She could handle working and looking after her son all day long, but not with not sleeping during the night.
"It will be better. He's fine and we'll make sure nothing happens to him. I promise you that. Why don't you take tomorrow off? I'll take care of him so you can get some sleep."
"No, I want him with me."
"But I promise I'll look after him. I'm even willing to take the day off as well. I'll just take him somewhere so you can have the apartment to yourself."
"That's not necessary, I'll take him. But I think it's a good idea to take the day off. I'll call Sookie in the morning."
"How about I do that so you can sleep in? I'll take care of Lucan until you wake up."
She looked at him, knowing he was right. She had to trust Luke. He was Lucan's father, and the father of the two kids who were safe inside her. She had to trust him with them. "If I don't wake up when you do tomorrow, that would be nice."
"Let's go back to sleep okay?"
She nodded. "Can you please hold me?"
"Of course."
Lorelai turned on her side, and Luke did the same, pulling her into his chest, his arms tight around her.
-xxxxxx-
When Lorelai opened her eyes the following morning, it took her a few seconds to figure out where she was. She sat up in bed and stared at Lucan's crib. He wasn't there. She figured Luke had taken him downstairs. She wanted to know if he was okay, but going downstairs wearing only one of Luke's flannel shirts didn't really work out the first time she tried. She decided to call downstairs instead.
"Luke's."
"Hey it's me."
"Hey." His voice softened. "Did you sleep well?"
"Yeah, although the bed felt kind of cold the last few hours. I missed you."
"I'm sorry. But why are you calling?"
"I wanted to check if Lucan's okay and didn't feel like walking downstairs wearing only your flannel shirt, thinking about what happened last time I did that."
A small smile appeared on Luke's face, remembering that moment. Too bad he was never able to see the look on her face when she realized the diner was filled with people. "He's fine, woke up around 7, I dressed him and gave him breakfast. He's walking around in his playpen now."
"Good."
"How about you take a shower and then I'll make you breakfast?"
"Sounds good."
"What would you like?"
"The usual?"
"Sure. Half an hour?"
"You're an angel."
"No I'm not."
She smiled at the grumpiness in his voice. "Yes you are, but I know you would never admit it so never mind. I'll take that shower now. By the way, did you call Sookie?"
"Yes I did. She said it was fine and she'll see you tomorrow. Go take that shower now. I'll see you in half an hour."
"Ok." Lorelai hung up the phone and got out of bed. She walked towards the closet and opened it. Since she didn't have to go to work she decided on a comfy pair of jeans and a sweater. Taking the clothes she walked into the bathroom, undressed and stepped into the shower, letting the hot water take away the pressure on her shoulders.
When Luke heard the shower stop upstairs, he made Lorelai's breakfast. He knew she would need at least 10 more minutes, so he had enough time. He and Lucan brought everything upstairs and set up the table. Luke put Lucan on the floor while he sat down at the kitchen table. Lorelai came out a minute later, surprised to see Luke upstairs. "What are you doing here?"
"It was quiet downstairs so I figured it would be nice to eat here together."
"You didn't have breakfast yet?"
"I did, but I can at least keep you company while you eat."
She smiled. "I like that." Walking towards the table she sat down across from Luke, but not before giving him a small peck on his lips. "Thank you."
He just nodded.
She ate in silence for a few minutes, then she felt someone tug on her leg. She smiled and looked down at her son, who pulled himself into a standing position. "Mama." She lifted him up and put him in her lap. "Hey sweetie. How are you feeling this morning? Did you have fun with daddy?"
The boy smiled as he moved his small hands towards Lorelai's plate. She was just in time to grab his hands before he reached it.
"That's mommy's. Your daddy already gave you breakfast this morning."
He looked at his mother with a pout.
Lorelai smiled. "You're so my son." She took a small piece of her pancake and put it in Lucan's hand. "Here, take this."
Lucan started chewing happily.
Luke shook his head. "I can't believe he's already starting to do that."
"I know. Even Rory was at least half a year before she got the pout. I'm so proud of him."
"It's obvious he's been spending too much time with you lately. Are you sure you don't want to leave him with me today?"
"Positive."
Luke tried to hide his disappointment. He understood Lorelai didn't want to leave Lucan out of his sight, but he was his father. She should be able to trust him. He knew that he had done a lot to take away her trust when they first found out about the twins, but he thought that was behind them now.
Lorelai looked at her husband and noticed his disappointment. "This is not about you Luke. I trust you with our son. I just want him with me 24 hours a day."
He shook his head. "That's not possible Lorelai. I know you're terrified that something might happen to him, but he's okay."
"But what if it happens again? It might not end so well next time?"
"We live in Stars Hallow. What can happen?"
"We were in Stars Hallow when it happened Luke. So it may be one of the safest towns of the country, but obviously bad things can still happen. And if it can happen once, it can happen again."
"That's not very likely."
"But you can't give me a hundred percent guarantee that it won't happen again, can you?"
He sighed defeated. "No I can't."
"Exactly. And that's why I need him to be with me for now. I'm sorry."
"But it happened while he was with you Lorelai." He regretted the words once they came out of his mouth, but it was already to late.
She looked at him in shock and only needed 5 seconds to regain herself. She stood up with Lucan still in her arms and walked away without saying another word.
"Lorelai." Luke stood up as well and followed her down the stairs. "Lorelai I'm sorry."
She didn't turn around when she heard him yelling her name. She walked outside towards her car and had to struggle to put Lucan in his car seat because he was crying furiously.
It didn't wasn't long before he caught up with her. "Lorelai I'm sorry. I didn't mean that."
She wasn't looking at him as she finally managed to get Lucan strapped in his car seat and closed the door. Luke grabbed her arm when she wanted to get in the car herself. "Let go of me."
"I want to talk to you."
"I don't want to talk to you. Leave me alone."
"Lorelai." He loosened the grip on her arm. "Please don't go like this. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said it. I didn't mean it."
"Yes you did Luke. It's all my fault. I can't take care of our son." She shook her head and opened the door of the car and got in. "I'll see you later." She started the car and drove away.
Lucan was still crying. He didn't understand why his parents were screaming at each other. He didn't understand what he did wrong.
Lorelai turned around to look at her son. "I'm sorry sweetie. Everything's okay."
It took Lucan 10 minutes to calm down. By the time he was exhausted and fell asleep. Lorelai felt bad, knowing she caused this. Maybe Luke was right. Maybe she shouldn't trust herself with him. She drove around aimlessly for 30 minutes before she drove towards her parent's house. She parked her car on the driveway and took Lucan out of the car seat. He was so exhausted that didn't even wake him up.
Lorelai rang the doorbell and waited until someone opened. "Lorelai, what are you doing here?" Emily opened the door herself, surprised to find her daughter on the other side.
"Hey mom."
Emily noticed the distracted, exhausted look on her daughter's face. "Come in."
"Thanks." Lorelai gave her mother a slight smile.
They walked into the living room. "Do you want something to drink?"
"No thanks." Lorelai sat down on the couch with Lucan still in her arms.
"Why don't you put him upstairs?"
"No that's okay. I'm afraid he'll wake up without knowing where he is."
"He's been here before." But from the look on Lorelai's face, Emily knew not to push it further. "You can put him on the couch next to you. I can get him a blanket if you like?"
"No that's okay. He's fine." Lorelai put him down next to her and watched him for a few minutes.
Emily watched her daughter, knowing something was bothering her. "Lorelai what's wrong?"
"Can't I pay you a visit on my day off?"
"I remember you saying you had to work all week?"
"That changed when I decided to take a day off. What's the big deal?"
"Something's bothering you. You're acting petulant."
"Whatever mom."
"I'm your mother Lorelai. You can tell me what's bothering you. Is this about last week?"
"When last week mom?"
"You know exactly when I'm talking about. It wasn't your fault and it doesn't matter now because he's okay."
"Tell that to Luke."
"What?" Emily looked confused.
"Tell Luke that it was not my fault."
"I don't believe that Luke thinks it's your fault Lorelai."
"He said it himself mom."
"If he did I'm sure he didn't mean it, and I'm sure you said a lot of other things before that."
"Then why don't you go and band together with him?"
"Tell me what happened."
"We had a fight okay?"
"Because you won't let him take care of Lucan?"
Lorelai looked up and stared her mother in the eyes.
"You're my daughter Lorelai and I know you." Emily smiled. "I understand you want to keep your eyes on Lucan the whole day to make sure that he's okay, but he's his father."
"I know that. I just need some time and he doesn't understand that."
"He does, but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt him that he's not allowed to take care of his own son. He thinks you don't trust him."
"I do trust him."
"I know that you do. You've been through a lot the past few weeks and it wasn't very long ago when you did not know how to trust Luke. He feels that hasn't changed."
Lorelai shook her head. "That's not true."
"I know that, and he knows that too. But he just feels like you don't trust him because of Lucan."
"That's stupid. He's the only person I trust with Lucan besides myself and Rory."
"But you have to tell him that. You have to explain to him how you feel. He's a man and they don't always know what's going on in our heads."
Lorelai smiled. "Luke usually does."
"But not all the time. That's impossible."
"He'd go crazy if he knew what is going on in my mind all day long."
They both smiled. "Go home and talk to him Lorelai."
Lorelai nodded. "I will. Thanks mom."
"Why don't you leave Lucan here with me so you two can talk quietly?"
Lorelai shook her head. "Mom…"
"I promise I will take good care of him."
"I know you would. But remember why I'm here in the first place? I won't even let Luke take care of him. I'm sorry."
Emily nodded. "I understand. It will get better after a while."
Lorelai closed her eyes for a few seconds. "I hope it will."
"I lost you once. We were in the park. You were two years old and you already knew exactly what you wanted. I kept my eyes on you but then someone stopped me and for 5 seconds I looked away and when I brought my eyes back to where you were, you were gone. I panicked, started screaming your name. I was running around looking for you. You were only 2 years old so I couldn't imagine you would have gone far. The park police came to help and it took half an hour before we found you. You were sleeping behind a large tree on the side of the park. I've never been so scared in my life. After that I wouldn't leave you alone. Your father wasn't much like Luke. He was always working and even though he loved spending some time with you after he came home, he never watched you. But there were maids and when we had to go to some stupid function, your father didn't understand why I didn't want to come because I had to leave you at home."
"How long did it take before that changed?"
"A few weeks. Then I started to realize that I had to leave you alone sometimes, and to trust others to take good care of you, and they did."
Lorelai nodded. "Thanks mom. I think I'm going home to talk to Luke now. He must be worried. I was very aggravated when I left."
"Thanks for coming here Lorelai."
Lorelai nodded. "Thanks for listening to me."
"Anytime."
Lorelai picked up Lucan and carried him to the car. He stirred when she buckled him in his car seat but remained sleeping.
-xxxxxx-
Lorelai took Lucan out of his car seat. The boy woke up when the car stopped and was silently crying, still upset about the way he fell asleep. "I'm sorry sweetie." Lorelai hugged her son and tried to sooth him. She walked into the diner and Luke remained behind the counter, trying to find out what kind of mood she was in. "Hey."
"Hey." He turned around and filled a cup with tea, placing it on the counter.
"Do you think we can go upstairs to talk?"
He nodded. "Caesar, I'm taking a break."
"Ok."
"Come on." He took the cup from the counter and walked towards the stairs, with Lorelai following close. Upstairs he put the cup on the kitchen table. "Do you want to sit here?"
"Yeah that's fine." She took a few steps towards him. "Can you take Lucan?"
He nodded and took his son, who was still fussing, in his arms. "Hey buddy what's that? Are you sleepy?"
"He just woke up but he's still upset from before he fell asleep."
Luke nodded and sat down on one of the chairs, rocking Lucan back and forward in his lap.
"Luke I'm sorry."
He looked at her. "Me too. I…"
She lifted her right hand in the air, indicating that she wanted to go first. "May I?"
"Sure."
"When I walked into my office that day, and the play pen was empty…. I've never been so scared in my life. You remember when Rory and Jess got in that car accident?"
"Of course I remember." He didn't understand where she was going with this, but knew better than to interrupt her.
"When Rory called me that evening and told me that she was in the hospital… I was so scared, but as scary as that was, it wasn't close to this. At least then I knew where my kid was. When I found Lucan gone, I had no idea where he was. There was no sign of him, there wasn't even a note… I know that it was an accident and that I'm not to blame. That no-one really is to blame and if anyone is it would be Tess's parents because they didn't keep an eye on their daughter. They should have known better. But inside me…" She placed a hand on her chest. "It was my fault Luke. I'm his mother and I have to make sure nothing ever happens to him. That's my job and I failed miserable."
"It's not your fault Lorelai. Don't get yourself so worked up over this. He's okay. He's sitting right here in my lap and he's safe. He doesn't remember anything."
"I know he doesn't remember anything nor will he remember as he's growing up, but I will never forget it, ever again. You know, all of this has nothing to do with you. I trust you with my life and the edit things even more important than that. My kids…"
He gave her a slight smile. "But then why…?"
"Because it's my job to protect him. I have to make sure that he's okay. I can't let him out of my sight because it feels like things go wrong when I do… things went wrong. I just need some time."
"But you're exhausted. Why don't you let me take care of him for a few hours so you can catch some extra sleep?"
"Luke listen. This has nothing to do with me not trusting you. I know that we've been through a lot the past few weeks. I know that I came to a point when I did not trust you and I'm so sorry about that. But I realized that we're okay together. I know that we fight sometimes but that only means that we care. I talked about it with my mom and…"
"You talk about us with your mom?"
Lorelai smiled. "We talk a lot lately. She came to me after we told her that I'm pregnant with twins, knowing I didn't tell the entire story."
"You told her that I left you in the hospital that day?"
"I did."
He shook his head. "I can't believe you did that. She must hate me right now."
"No she doesn't. I know that it was something between you and me and I'm sorry. It's just… she knew that something was up and I had to get it off my chest. I trust her Luke. For the first time in my life I can trust her. I was afraid to tell her because I was afraid she was going to hate you, but she didn't. She even understood. She told me why she didn't like you when we first started dating."
He looked at her with a curious expression. "She did?"
"She was jealous of you. She was afraid she was going to lose me. She knew that if we got together, it would be forever. She knew how much I cared about you and she saw it coming for years. She knew that if you and I were together, I wouldn't need her anymore."
"So she tried to break us up?"
"That's exactly what I asked her." She smiled.
Lucan started wiggling in Luke's arms so he put the boy on the floor. "What did she say?"
"She said that it's the most selfish thing she ever did and the thing she regrets most in her life. Then she said that Chris was never right for me and that he doesn't deserve to be in my life ever again, or in Rory's for that matter."
"Don't say that."
"What? That he's not supposed to be let into my life again?"
"He's still Rory's father."
She shook her head. "No he's not. He's never been Rory's father. You're her father Luke."
"No I'm not."
"Yes you are. You're the one that's been there for us all the time. You helped me take care of her when she was sick. You came to her caterpillar's funeral. You baked her a cake for her birthday and came to her birthday parties. You were there at her high school graduation. You helped her move into her dorm room at Yale. It was all you Luke. That's what makes you a father, not getting someone pregnant."
"Lorelai." He sighed.
"No. Ask her Luke. Ask her who her real father is."
"I don't want to come between Rory and Christopher."
"If Chris wanted to be in her life she would have let him. She tried so many times but only got disappointed over and over again. But when did this conversation move here? We were talking about trust."
He just nodded.
She looked at the floor where Lucan was sitting with a stuffed bear in his arms. He was hugging the bear and babbling, having a whole conversation in his own way. Then she moved her eyes back to Luke's. "Look at him. He's sitting there all innocent. He's only a year old and he's already been through so much. I'm trying so hard to be a good mother but sometimes I think I'm failing miserably."
"What? Why would you say that? You're the best mother in the world Lorelai. Ask your daughter."
She had to smile at that. "Exactly my point. The truth is, I can try and come up with a thousand excuses, but none are good. You're his father and I should be happy that you're willing to take care of him during the day. I don't think there are many fathers who do that. Most of the time either the mother takes care of the kid otherwise the kid goes to daycare."
"I don't want my kid to go to daycare. And he's as much my kid as he's yours so he's as much my responsibility. And I like spending time with him."
"My mom said that you feel like I don't trust you. You know that I trust you right?" She looked him straight in his eyes, needing to know the truth.
"I know that you trust me although I don't always deserve your trust. It just…."
"It just what?" She tried to encourage him. "Tell me the truth."
"Right now it feels like you don't trust me, even though I know that you do."
"So my mom was right." She sighed. "I already told you I trust you more than anything in the world. I trust you Luke."
"I know that." He stood up, suddenly feeling frustrated. They'd been talking for at least half an hour already, and they were not getting anywhere.
"Luke!"
"Get to the point Lorelai. Tell me why you don't want me to look after our son once in a while."
"I already told you. Because I feel like it's my job to watch him 24 hours a day."
He started pacing the room. "But that's ridicules. We're his parents, together. So it's as much my job as it is yours."
"Don't act like you're not allowed to spend time with him. It's like we're a couple that are getting a divorce and I want full custody."
"What?" He stopped in his path, looking at her in shock.
"I'm not saying that we're getting a divorce. UGH…!" She was getting frustrated. "I don't know how to explain myself. Why can't you just understand that I need some time. It will be better in a few weeks. I know that you're trying to help me but I don't need that right now. All I need is some time to spend with my son. I have to learn to give him some space again and I will, but I just need some time."
"So you're allowed to have this stupid need to spend all your time with him, but I can't have that need? Or when I do have it I just can't fulfill it?" He was getting mad.
She gave him an apologetic look. "I'm sorry. I just need some time okay?"
"No." He raised his voice but stopped when he saw Lucan stop his came and look up at him. "Look what we're doing. We're fighting in front of our son. What kind of parents are we?"
"Luke." Her voice was low
He kneeled down next to Lucan and placed a kiss on top of his hand. "I'm sorry buddy. I didn't mean to scare you. Here, do you want to play with Mr Bear again?" He picked up the stuffed animal and handed it to Lucan. He started talking with a funny voice. "Hey Lucan, are you still my friend? Do you want to tell me a story?"
Lucan just started giggling.
"No? You don't want to tell me a story? Do you want to tickle me then?"
Lucan continued giggling.
Luke moved the stuffed bear into Lucan's stomach, using his fingers to tickle his son's sides.
The little boy started giggling harder.
Lorelai was still sitting at the table, watching Luke play with Lucan. She smiled, loving to see the interaction between the two. When she met Luke she never thought he was the guy who would do that. A guy who could put on a different voice and talk for a stuffed animal. She never thought he was the kind of guy who wanted to have kids, but he told her himself a few years ago. 'There will be a discussion when I meet the right woman. A short one, but still a discussion.' And she said the same thing when he asked her if she wanted to have more kids. She replied that there would be a discussion if she met the right guy. In the end there was no discussion because she was already pregnant before they had the change to even discuss it. But she knew it would have been a short discussion, like Luke predicted a long time ago. They met the right person and both wanted a family. Maybe it was a little too soon at the time, but it worked out perfectly. And now they did not only have a son, they were having two more kids. A whole family. This was it. Her whole package.
So with a big smile on her face she was watching Luke play with their son and she knew that he was right. She had been overreacting the past few days. "Luke?"
Luke turned to look at her and noticed a funny expression on his face. He turned back to Lucan. "Here, you play with Mr Bear for a while okay? I'm going to talk to mommy." He stood up and sat down at the table, across from Lorelai.
"Luke, can you watch Lucan tomorrow? I have this meeting and I don't think it's convenient to have a one year old hanging around. Not that having him is inconvenient, I just think I won't be able to focus on my meeting…"
He smiled "I would love to."
"Good." She smiled back.
He waited a few seconds, but he had to know. "What made you change your mind?"
"I know that I can't keep him to myself all the time. I have to learn to give him space to grow up, otherwise he might turn into Kirk."
"Dear God no. I won't ever let that happen."
"I'm glad. I just… I was overreacting. You were right. You have as much right to spend time with him as I do. I know you were just as worried as I was when he was missing. He's our son and we both love him equally."
"We do. But I was overreacting too. I understand that you need some time with him. I just see how exhausted you are because you're working two jobs fulltime and with those stupid nightmares you're just exhausted and I want to help you. It just hurt when I realized you wouldn't let me."
"And it felt as if I didn't trust you. I understand and I'm sorry. Even though he's already a year old I still forget that we're in this together sometimes. It has been just me for so long and sometimes it's not easy to let go and to ask for help."
"I know. I feel the same way. I guess we just have to remind each other sometimes."
"Yeah we do."
"How about we go do something nice together? We can go to Sniffy's and see how Buddy and Maisy are doing? It's been a while since they've seen Lucan. We can call Rory and Warren too if you want?"
"That would be nice. I'll call her and see if she has the time. If not, it will be just us."
"Okay. And since it's still a little early to have dinner, how about you try and get some sleep after you called Rory. Take some time for yourself. I can look after Lucan."
"I'd love that."
T.B.C.