A/N: I know I promised most of you I would update last minute, but I'm only 2 days late. A few things came up, making myself realize that life never goes without any problems, but okay. Not really an interesting story so I'm not going to bother you with it :P Let's just say that I was pretty exhausted this weekend and slept half the time and had to spend some time with my friends and family the other half and before I knew it I had to come back to Ede, where I am right now.
I got a few questions about what I'm going to be. A nurse or a doctor. Neither actually. I'm studying medical imaging and radiotherapy. I'm going to be the technician working with the machines. Making x-rays and ultrasounds etc. Right now I have an internship in Nuclear Medicine. For those of you who don't know what it is, you make pictures as well. Only you inject the radioactivity into the patient and the camera detects this and makes a picture out of it. The radioactivity is attached to something that goes to a specific organ. This way you can make pictures of the heart, of the kidneys, of the bones and a lot more.
I see quite a few patients with breast cancer. A few before surgery with a procedure called a sentinel node, where you locate the first lymph node in the arm pit. And a lot for bone scans where you look for metastases. But fortunately 80 of the time they have nothing.
When I was in Norway I spend 2 weeks in the mammography department. I made the pictures, I assisted with ultrasounds and biopsies so that's why I know into details how it's handled. If it was a little too much visual, I'm sorry, but I like to get it detailed and hope it was educative as well.
But this note is getting way too long. You're all waiting to read the new chapters. If you want more information about what I do and what it holds exactly, just tell me in a review or send me a personal message.
For now, thanks to all of you who read and reviewed the last chapter and enjoy this one! And of course, don't forget to review in the end!
Chapter 18 Letting go
Lorelai drove straight towards the diner. She tried to keep her mind away from everything, but was failing terribly. She fought hard to keep her tears at bay, and so far she was succeeding. But the events of the day were getting to her and it became more and more difficult. When she parked her car in front of the diner, she was happy to see that the place was almost empty. She took a few deep breaths before she walked inside.
Luke smiled when he saw his wife walk in. "How was lunch with your mother."
Lorelai couldn't get any words out, and the look on her face told Luke enough.
"Let's go upstairs." He turned around towards the kitchen. "Caesar I'm taking a break." He put a hand on Lorelai's back and coached her towards his apartment. Once they were inside, Lorelai turned around in his arms and started crying uncontrollably. Luke had no idea what was going on, what happened at her mother's, but he could tell something terrible had happened. He had so many questions, but knew he wouldn't get any answers at this point. So he did the one thing he could, holding Lorelai and trying his best to comfort her.
It took her almost ten minutes to calm down slightly. Luke was still holding her and felt relieved when she finally started to relax in his arms. He waited a few more minutes before he spoke, trying to give her a chance to start talking first. "Lorelai, what happened?"
She took a deep breath. "I don't… I can't…" Her voice was shaking, as new tears entered her eyes.
"Did you have a fight with your mother?"
She shook her head. "No."
That surprised Luke. "What happened?"
She swallowed hard. "You're going to be so mad at me."
"Why would I be mad at you? What did you do?" He got more confused by the second.
"Because I didn't tell you."
"Didn't tell me what?"
She buried her face even deeper in his chest.
"I can't help you if you don't talk to me. If I look at you now, and see how upset you are, I can't believe it's just because you think I'll be mad at you. Tell me what happened."
"I…" She hiccupped. "I…"
"Come on, let's sit down." He tried to pull away from her so they could walk towards the couch."
"Please, don't let go of me."
"I won't, but you need to give me a little space here."
She nodded and pulled away a little. He put his arm around her shoulder and guided her towards the couch. They sat down together and Lorelai leaned into Luke again immediately. "Please, don't ever let me go."
"I won't." He closed his eyes for a few seconds. "I'll never let you go." He wanted to ask her what happened again, but he wanted to give her the time to tell him first.
She started crying again and slowly felt how her eyes started closing. She was exhausted. The events of the day drained the energy out of her and it didn't took long before she fell asleep.
Luke looked at his wife, not understanding what happened to her that day. Somehow he was relieved she was sleeping, but he really wanted to know what happened. Part of him wanted to call Emily and ask her what had happened, but he promised Lorelai he wouldn't let her go, and the phone was laying on the kitchen table so he remained seated while holding Lorelai in his arms.
-xxxxxx-
Emily drove around for an hour, trying to think of a good way to tell Richard that she might have cancer. But the longer she thought about it, the more she started to realize there wasn't any. She parked her car in the garage and saw that Richard was home. She stayed in her car for a few minutes, trying to gain some extra time. But she knew that putting it off wouldn't make it any easier. Not for her, and definitely not for him. So she picked up her purse and got out of the car. She closed the garage door and walked towards the house.
"Good afternoon Mrs. Gilmore." Emily's maid Sophia greeted her boss.
"Hello Sophia. Is my husband in his office?"
"Yes ma'am. Can I take your coat?"
Emily nodded, took off her coat and handed it to Sophia. "Thank you."
"You're welcome ma'am. Is there anything else I can do for you?"
"No, thank you. Why don't you clean up the vacuum cleaner and go home."
"Are you sure ma'am?"
"Yes. I'll see you tomorrow."
"Have a good evening ma'am."
"You too Sophia."
Emily walked into the living room and waited a few minutes. When she heard the front door close, she stood up and walked towards Richard's office. She knocked the door twice.
"Yes?"
Emily opened the door and walked inside. "Hello Richard."
Richard looked up. "Oh, Emily, it's you."
"Yes, of course it's me. Who did you expect?"
"I don't know. I should have known it was you. Did you have a nice day with Lorelai?"
"It was fine."
Richard looked at her over his glasses. "Good. Well, if you don't mind, I have to make a few phone calls. What time is dinner?"
"Dinner is at 7 Richard. It has always been at seven, as long as we're married."
"Of course. Well, I'll see you at seven then."
"Actually…"
"What is it Emily?"
"Can we talk?"
"Can't it wait? I'm really busy here."
"No, it can't wait." She fought hard to keep her voice even.
"I can't think of something so important that can't wait for half an hour. I have to make one call, then I'll come to the living room to talk to you."
"Fine." She turned around and walked out of his office. She knew she would say a few things that would hurt him later if she stayed, and she knew she had to hurt him enough with what she had to tell, so she decided to give him all the time he needed.
-xxxxxx-
Lorelai opened her eyes half an hour later. Luke felt her shifting in his arms and squeezed her shoulder to let her know that he was still there. He placed a kiss on the top of her head. "Hey."
"Hey."
"Are you feeling better?"
"A little. Thanks for holding me."
"You don't have to thank me."
She smiled slightly, then tried to prepare herself for what she had to say. She suddenly needed some space so she pulled away from him. He hesitated to let her go. "It's okay." She stood up and took a few steps. She walked towards Lucan's bed and saw that he was still asleep. Relieved that he was still asleep, even though he was too young to understand what was going on, she walked back towards the couch, but kept some distance. She remained standing while she searched for Luke's eyes. While they were holding eye contact she started talking. "I don't have breast cancer."
Luke shook his head. He had no idea what he was expecting her to say, but this didn't make any sense. "Of course not."
She closed her eyes, not able to keep eye contact any longer. "This morning in the shower I felt a small lump in my breast."
"What?"
"I went to the doctor and he did an ultrasound and it's a small cyst. It's nothing bad."
"Slow down." He rubbed his sleeps. "I don't understand. Why didn't you tell me?"
"Because I didn't want to worry you."
"I'm your husband Lorelai. Why do you think that you have to protect me?"
"Because you lost both your mother and your father and I didn't want you to worry about losing me. I know it was wrong but I didn't know how it felt, until now."
He had a hard time understanding what she was saying. It was like she was jumping from one thing to another and none of it was making sense. "Why don't you tell me the entire story because it wasn't relieve that I saw in your eyes when you came home. It was pain and fear and I don't understand any of it. Please sit down and talk to me."
She nodded as she sat down next to him. "Okay." She took a shaky breath. "I was standing in the shower this morning and when I was washing myself, I felt something in my breast. Right here." She pointed to the spot. "I called Dr. Elder and asked her if it could have something to do with the pregnancy and she arranged an appointment with a doctor specialized in breast diseases. I thought about telling you, I really did, but I didn't want to worry you. I know I should have told you right away, but I just couldn't. The chance was much bigger that nothing was wrong with me so I didn't want to worry you. That I was worried myself, was enough. I went to the meeting at the inn and had a really hard time focusing. Somehow I made it to the end of the meeting. Then, when I pulled back in my office afterwards, Sookie came in to talk to me. I put it of as tiredness and she sent me home. It was the perfect excuse to go home without having to explain anything.
But I was afraid. I really was afraid and because I couldn't tell you, I called my mother to get the story off my chest. She insisted on coming to the doctor's appointment with me. I remembered that my grandmother, mom's mother, died of breast cancer when I was a little girl. She died when she was a little younger than my mother is now. The doctor started asking questions to my mom and insisted on examining her as well. While she went to the radiology department for x-rays, I got an ultrasound, because they didn't want to do any x-rays because I'm pregnant."
She paused to look at him, wanting to make sure he took in all the information. He noticed this and nodded to give her a confirmation.
"He saw this small black spot and said it was a cyst. He did a few tests to confirm this. I asked if we had to take it out, but he says it's not necessary so I just have to come back after a year for a check-up."
"Why can't they take it out?"
"Because if they do, there's a big change it comes back. But it's not dangerous and if it will give me any discomfort or if it grows, he'll take it out."
Luke nodded. "Okay."
"When he finished the examination my mother came back in. He went to look at her x-rays and when he came back he started explaining that they saw something. I don't remember what it was, but there was something that made him think of cancer. I don't know. They did an ultrasound as well and saw something. He wasn't sure if it's cancer so they did a biopsy and now we have to wait until tomorrow for the test results."
Luke looked at her and saw that it wouldn't take long before she'd start crying again. He pulled her into his arms. "You have to think positive okay? We don't know for sure that it's cancer. Maybe it's nothing."
She shook her head. "That's what I tried telling myself over and over again, but I think part of me is just preparing for the worse. My grandmother had it, and now there's a big chance my mother has it too."
He hugged her tight, not knowing what to say, and knowing that he couldn't say anything to make her feel better. All he could do now was be there for her while they waited for tomorrow to come. For the test results to be told.
-xxxxxx-
Emily waited patiently in the living room. It took Richard almost two hours before he came out of his office. "Sorry but Bob made a fault that caused us to lose our biggest client in Japan. I knew that I couldn't trust that boy. I told you many times that he's not capable of doing his job. I had to make a dozen phone calls, but I think I managed to control the damage. I have to fly to Japan next week for a meeting and with some luck we can extend the contract for two more years."
"That's wonderful Richard."
"Thank you Emily." He sat down on the couch across from her. "What is it that you wanted to talk about?"
She looked at her husband, once again trying to decide how to break the news. Suddenly she wasn't sure if she should tell him. Maybe it was better to wait until tomorrow. What if there was nothing wrong with her? Maybe it was all a mistake. Maybe it wasn't cancer like her mother had all those years ago. Maybe it was something benign. Maybe it was just a bad dream and she'd wake up soon. There was enough time to tell him after tomorrow, whether it turned out to be good or bad news. "It's nothing important Richard. You were right. Why don't you make a few more phone calls before dinner?"
He looked at his wife, trying to decide whether or not she was lying to him. But why would she lie? "I'll go call Karen and see if she can get me on a plane to Tokyo on Monday."
This made her doubt once again if she had to tell him the truth. If it turned out to be cancer he might not be able to go to Japan next week. "Maybe you should wait with that."
"Why should I wait? The longer I wait, the less chance there is that there will actually be a free seat available."
"I understand. But maybe something comes up so you can't go to Japan next week."
"What could possible happen before next Monday so I won't be able to fly to Japan? You're being ridicules Emily. I'm going to call Karen and I'll see you for dinner." He stood up and walked towards his office.
"Richard wait."
He turned around and looked at her expectantly. "Yes Emily?"
She sighed, not knowing how to tell him this.
"If you don't want to tell me what it is that's bothering you, I'll go to my office." He started walking again.
Emily stopped him again. "Richard wait. I think you have to sit down for this."
He turned around and looked at her. There was something in her eyes that caused his heart to beat faster. He suddenly knew she had to tell him something, and she had no idea how to tell him. He walked towards her and sat down next to her. He took her hands in his and looked her straight in her eyes. "Whatever it is, you can tell me."
She swallowed hard. "I don't know how to tell you this Richard."
"We've been through so much together. Whatever it is, we'll get through it. I promise."
"You don't know that. You don't even know what I'm going to tell you."
"No I don't, and I won't know unless you tell me."
"I love you Richard."
"I know. I love you too Emily." He squeezed her hands, trying to let her know that it was okay. That he was listening to her.
"I had mammography pictures taken today, and they saw something. They did an ultrasound and a biopsy. I won't get the test results until tomorrow, but there might be a chance that I have breast cancer."
"What?" His breath got stuck in his throat as he tried to process what she was saying.
"There's a chance that I have breast cancer." She repeated the words slowly, trying to get him to understand what she was telling him.
He nodded. "When are you going to find out?"
"I have an appointment tomorrow morning at ten o clock."
He nodded again. "I have to call Karen and have her cancel all my appointments tomorrow." He stood up and walked away. Emily didn't stop him this time. She knew he needed the time to process this by himself.
-xxxxxx-
Lorelai remained in Luke's arms until she heard Lucan woke up. She pulled away from him and placed a kiss on his lips. "Thank you."
He just nodded.
She walked towards the crib. "Hey buddy."
Lucan smiled at his mother, and pulled himself in a standing position while he was holding himself with one hand and put his other arm in the air.
Lorelai picked him up and hugged him tight. "Did you sleep okay sweetie?" He put his head on her shoulder and let out a small sigh. She smiled and placed a kiss on his cheek. "Let's get you a clean diaper huh." She walked towards the changing table and changed his diaper. After that she put him on the floor, holding his hands. He carefully placed one foot in front of the other and slowly they walked across the apartment.
Luke watched the interaction between Lucan and Lorelai. He saw how she held his hands as she made him walk. He realized she needed a sane moment right now. She needed her life to be normal, even if it was just for five minutes. He decided to mangle in their game and kneeled down on the floor, about ten feet away from Lorelai and Lucan. He opened his arms. "Come to daddy."
The little boy smiled and tried to walk faster. "Dada."
When he almost tripped over his own feet, Lorelai held him up. "Slow down there buddy." When the distance between Luke and Lucan was about five inches, she slowly let go of Lucan's hands. The boy took a few more steps before he let himself fall in the arms of his father.
Luke looked up at Lorelai in amazement. "Did you see that? He walked."
She had a huge smile on her face. "I saw it."
Luke turned Lucan around, holding him underneath his arm pits. "Walk to mommy."
When Luke let go of him, he took a few steps towards his mother before he fell down. She was fast enough to catch him before he reached the floor. She lifted him up and placed a kiss on his nose. "Look at you. You can walk."
They repeated this game a few more times until Lucan was tired and let himself fall down when Luke let go of him. Luke took him in his arms. "You don't want to walk anymore huh?" He placed a kiss on his forehead. "How about you play with your mommy for a while and I make us some dinner?" He handed Lucan to Lorelai. "What do you want to eat?"
"I'm not really hungry."
"I know, but you have to eat."
"Luke." She sighed.
"Think about the babies. They need you healthy okay?"
She looked down at her stomach. "Okay."
"What do you want?"
"I don't know."
"How about lasagna?"
"Sounds good."
"Okay. Lasagna it is."
-xxxxxx-
When Richard still hadn't come out of his office an hour later, Emily decided to check up on him. She knocked on his door and waited, but when she got no reply, she opened the door and stepped inside. "Hey."
He looked up. "Hey."
She walked towards his desk and sat down across from him, waiting for him to start talking.
"Why didn't you mention anything before? Why didn't you tell me you had a doctor's appointment today?"
"I didn't know."
"You told me you were meeting Lorelai for lunch. You lied to me."
"Yes I did. I lied to you, but I was meeting Lorelai. She was the one with a doctor's appointment, only I turned out to be the one being sick."
"We don't know that, do we?"
"Not for sure, but there's a big chance. We both know that my mother died of breast cancer when she was even younger than I am right now."
"That doesn't mean that you have it too. You have to think positive." He raised his voice slightly.
She looked at him. "I tried. I really tried. But we have to be realistic here Richard. We shouldn't fool ourselves."
"So you're saying that you have it for sure? That no matter what the doctor is going to tell you tomorrow, that you're going to die?"
"No, of course not. Even if the doctor tells me I have cancer tomorrow, that does not mean I'm going to die. You hear me, I am not going to die. I know you promised me I can go first a few years ago, but I am not ready to leave you yet. There are so many things to live for. I want to see Rory graduate from Yale. I want to see her and Warren get married. I want to see the twins get born and I want to see all my grandchildren grow up. I'm going to fight this Richard. No matter what it takes, I'm not going to die."
"You don't know that, do you."
Her eyes filled with tears for the first time that day. "So you're just going to give up on me?" She stood up, not being able to handle that thought. She walked out of his office and ignored Richard yelling her name over and over again. She heard him following close as she walked towards the front door. She went outside towards the garage where she parked her car earlier that day. She made it inside her car, but had trouble getting it started. Before she knew it Richard had her door opened and placed a hand on her shoulder.
"I'm so sorry. I didn't mean that. Please come inside the house with me."
She looked at him and saw regret in his eyes. She nodded as she got out of the car. They walked inside together and sat down on the couch in the living room.
"I'm sorry."
"I know. It's okay. We're both having a hard time right now. This is different than what we've been facing before in our lives. But we made it through everything. I survived when Lorelai ran away with Rory when she was only 17 years old. I made it through our breakup and we made it through every other battle we faced in the past 40 years. If it wasn't for Lorelai we may had discovered this too late, but I feel that it's going to be okay. I'm going to fight this. I promise you that I'm not going to die. Not within the next 20 years."
He smiled as he started to believe her words. "No you won't."
-xxxxxx-
Lorelai picked at her food, still not feeling hungry. She swallowed down a few bites to pleasure Luke, but her plate was still almost completely full.
"Don't you like it? I put in extra cheese for you, but if you want something else I'll make it."
She shook her head. "No thanks. This is fine."
"But you've hardly eaten anything."
She took another bite. "See, I'm eating. I'm just not really hungry."
"I understand." He focused his attention on Lucan, who was waiting with an open mouth patiently. "Here you go buddy."
"Hey Luke?"
"Yeah?"
"Do you think my mother's going to die?"
"What? Of course not."
"Are you sure?"
"Yes I'm sure."
"But my grandmother died of breast cancer. And she was younger than my mother is right now."
"That's 30 years ago Lorelai. A lot has changed since. They have much better techniques now. You just have to think positive."
She knew it was hard for him to say that. He was there through every step when his father was diagnosed with cancer. She knew that they were positive in the beginning, but that it soon turned out to be hopeless. "It's just a little hard to think positive right now. And think about what happened with…"
"Don't say it okay. I know what you want to say right now and I don't want to hear it. What happened with my father was completely different."
"He had cancer and now my mother has cancer. What's the difference?"
"His cancer was in a very advanced stage. He was diagnosed too late. Surgery wasn't an option and the chemo had no effect. But your mother will be fine. She'll have surgery, maybe some radiotherapy or some chemo therapy and she will live a long and healthy life."
"You don't know that, now do you?"
"But honey, you don't even know that she has cancer. They did a biopsy and you won't hear the test results until tomorrow. Maybe it turns out to be nothing. Maybe there's nothing wrong with her."
"I have to be realistic Luke. We're not talking about a fifty-fifty chance here. There's a much bigger chance she has it than she doesn't."
"Says who?"
"Me."
He knew what she was doing. She was trying to prepare herself for the worse. "Lorelai you have to think positive. You're not helping anyone by thinking worse case scenario."
She shook her head and pushed her chair backwards. "I'm going for a walk."
"Don't walk away from me."
"I'm not. I'm just going for a walk. I just need some time to think, okay?"
He nodded. "Okay. But take your cell phone okay? Call me if you need anything."
"I will."
-xxxxxx-
About 45 minutes later Luke found Lorelai in the backyard of their house. She looked up at him when she heard his footsteps. "Where's Lucan?"
"He's sleeping and Lane has the baby monitor downstairs so she can go up if she hears him."
"You didn't have to come after me. I told you I needed some time to think."
He sat down next to her. "I know you did."
"How did you know where to find me?"
"Babette called me."
She laughed. "Of course."
They stared at the house. "Amazing how fast it's going, isn't it. Before we know it we can move back in here."
"Yeah. It looks completely different already. I can see it will be really pretty. I knew I could trust you. I can't wait to see what it's going to be from the inside."
"Just be patient for a few more weeks. Tom's trying very hard to get it done as soon as possible."
"It would be nice to sleep in our own bedroom again. Although it won't be the same bedroom. It's just, I mean, there was a time I spent the same amount of nights in your apartment as I spent here, but I like living with you in this house. I like that it's our house now and not just mine and Rory's."
"Me too."
They watched the house in silence for a few more minutes. Luke stared at Lorelai occasionally and felt her staring back at him sometimes too. "Hey Luke?"
"Yeah?"
"Why can't our lives be simple?"
He smiled. "You'd be completely bored."
"But couldn't it be excited in a different way? With Lucan starting to walk, with the twins coming, with the remodeling of the house, I think there's enough excitement in our house. And there's always the inn and I can't wait to see what will happen with Rory and Warren once the school year is over. So why, when my life is finally perfect, when I finally have the whole package, why is this happening? I don't understand."
"Me neither. But I guess that's the way life is. It's part of the package. My mother was happy. We were a great family but she had to die anyway. And so did my dad."
"And now the same will happen to my mother. I'm not ready to lose her yet. I know that I said the same last year, and I got to share so many great moments with her after that, but there are so many more I want to share with her."
"You'll get those moments. Even if the doctor tells your mother she has cancer tomorrow, she's going to fight it. You're mother is one of the strongest women in the world. We both know where you got it from."
"I'm not strong. Look at me. Look how I broke down today. I'm sure my mother didn't even cry."
"That doesn't mean that you're not strong. You're strong because you let go, because you let all those emotions out. It's not good to let it in, and trust me, I know. And it's different for your mother."
"How?"
"I was much more worried than my father was when he was sick. I don't know why. Maybe because I was just afraid to lose him, but he had the will to fight. And even in the end it was still harder for me. Even though he found it hard to leave me behind, to leave Liz and Jess behind, he wouldn't be in pain anymore. He was finally going back to my mother."
"You don't think she already gave up, do you?"
"No. You're mother won't give up without a fight. She just wants to be strong for you and your dad."
"Why does she feel like she has to be?"
"I don't know. But that's who she is. My dad did the same thing. But I know he cried at night, when he was alone. I heard him one night. And when I walked into his room to ask him if he was okay he wiped away his tears, not wanting to show me that he cried. He said he was fine and sent me back to bed. There was no room for me to protest."
"What did you do?"
"I listened to him and went back to bed. I realized that was what he wanted. He wanted to keep his dignity. He didn't want me to look at him differently so I didn't."
She swallowed. "What can I do to help my mom?"
"Just be there for her. Go to that appointment tomorrow and stand by her side. Let her show you what she needs and give her that."
She nodded. "Can you watch Lucan tomorrow?"
"Of course. Unless you want me to come with you, then we can ask Sookie to baby sit."
"You don't have to come. I think my mother wants Lucan with you."
"Just tell me if you change your mind, okay?"
"I will." She leaned her head on his shoulder and they remained silent for a while. At some point Lorelai stood up and pulled at one of Luke's hands. "Come on. Let's go home."
-xxxxxx-
When Emily heard Richards breaths even besides her, she slipped out of bed. She put on her bathrobe and slippers and silently left the bedroom. She went into the kitchen and made herself a cup of tea. With the cup in her hand she walked into the living room and sat down on the couch. She didn't bother to put on any lights. She stared into the darkness, as she started thinking about the events of the day. When she felt a few tears slip down her cheeks, she put the steaming mug on the coffee table in front of her. She pulled her knees up against her chest and started sobbing.
Richard awoke and noticed Emily gone. He put on a bathrobe and walked down the stairs. He heard noises in the living room. "Emily?" He entered the living room and his heart broke when he saw the sight in front of him. Never did he saw his wife like this. She looked so broken and so scared. There were moments in her life when she lost control before, but never like this. He sat down next to her and pulled her against him while she cried against his chest. And it didn't took long before he felt tears burning in his own eyes, and he didn't try to hold them in.
T.B.C.