Thanks to all of you who read and reviewed my last chapter, and I hope you enjoy this one! (don't forget to let me know ;))
Chapter 19 The resultsThe following morning Lorelai woke up even before Luke's alarm went off. She hadn't slept well that night and felt as if she hadn't slept at all. On top of that she felt nauseous, something she hadn't felt since her third month. She got out of bed and ran towards the bedroom, emptying the contents of her stomach into the toilet.
While she was throwing up, Luke kneeled down behind her and held her hair aside. When she was done, she leaned back against his chest.
He remained silent for a few minutes, but when she didn't spoke he asked "Are you feeling better?"
"Not really. I thought I was way beyond morning sickness."
He kissed her on top of her head. "I know."
"Man I'm tired."
"I felt you twisting and turning all night. Have you slept at all?"
"Not much." She admitted. "I just wish that I knew more you know. I just need to know the truth and what they'll do. If they can do something. I just need something to focus on."
"I know you do. All you can do is wait patiently."
She sighed. "I know."
"It'll be okay."
She shook her head. "You don't know that, now do you."
"No I don't. But you still have to hold on to that."
"I don't know if I can Luke."
"I know." He just held her for a few more minutes, knowing there wasn't anything he could say that would make her feel better.
-xxxxxx-
Emily felt Richard slip out of bed and decided to give him a few minutes, hoping he would just go to the bathroom and come back to bed. But when he didn't, she got out of bed and put on her robe. She checked the bathroom and when she didn't find him there, she went downstairs. He wasn't in the living room or in the kitchen, and she wasn't surprised to find him in his office. He was sitting behind his desk in his pajamas, his glasses on top of his nose and his hair all messy. Emily couldn't help but smile when she saw him sitting like that. He was focused on the monitor in front of him and hadn't heard her walk in. "Hey."
He looked up. "What are you doing up?"
"I could ask you the same thing. What are you doing? It's 5 o clock in the morning. Come back to bed."
"I couldn't sleep. I didn't mean to wake you up."
"That's okay." She walked up behind him so she could look on the monitor. "What are you doing?"
"I'm searching the internet."
"For what?"
"Information about breast cancer."
"Oh Richard." She pulled a chair next to his and sat down. "Don't do this to yourself. The doctor will tell us everything we need to know, okay? Let's just focus on something else until then."
"I can't Emily. I have to know what this can do to you. If it can…" He couldn't say it.
"Kill me." She finished his sentence, knowing perfectly well what he was thinking. "It can, but you shouldn't think about that. We don't even know if I have it."
"Maybe you can pretend like it's not there, but I know it is Emily. And I have to know the truth."
"I'm not pretending anything. I know that it is there. I saw the films Richard. But the truth is that we won't know the real truth until we talk to the doctor. We can drive ourselves crazy until then, but I just don't see the point."
"I have to do this."
"Fine. Do whatever you want. I'm going back to bed."
-xxxxxx-
"Are you sure you don't want me to come with you?" Luke and Lorelai were standing by her car a little after nine.
"Yes I'm sure. I need you to take car of Lucan for me, okay?"
"Okay. Just call me if you need anything. I'll be there as soon as I can."
"I know. And I will."
"Good." He kissed her.
"I don't know when I'll be back."
"That's okay. Just be careful and drive safe. I'll see you when you get back, and you can always call me when you leave the hospital."
"Ok. Maybe I will." She kissed him once more. "Bye."
"Bye."
She got into the car and started it. She waved to Luke when she drove off. When she was just outside Stars Hallow she took her cell phone out of her purse and hit speed dial number 5.
"This is Emily Gilmore."
"Mom it's me. How are you doing?"
"I'm fine. Are you on your way yet?"
"Yes, I'm just outside Stars Hallow. I called to ask if I have to pick up you and dad."
"We can drive ourselves and meet you in front of the hospital."
"Are you sure?"
"Positive."
Lorelai was silent for a few seconds, not knowing what to say further. "Did you sleep okay?"
"Not very well."
"Me neither. How's dad?"
"He's been in his office since 5 o clock, searching information about breast cancer on the internet."
Lorelai shook her head. "It's just his way of dealing with it."
"But why is he doing that to himself? I'm sure he'll find hundredths of horrible stories while we're not even sure if I actually have it."
"Maybe he'll find those stories, but there's a lot of positive information as well."
"Maybe. I just wish he would talk to me instead of what he's doing right now."
"That's just not dad. But I'm here if you want to talk. I have about 25 minutes before I reach the hospital and it's pretty boring in here anyway. There's nothing good on the radio."
Emily knew perfectly well that Lorelai had at least a dozen CDs in her car but appreciated the gesture. "I don't want to talk about this. Not until I know if there is something to talk about."
"We don't have to talk about that. We can talk about something else."
"How's Lucan?"
A big smile appeared on Lorelai's face. "He took his first steps yesterday. I was walking with him and when Luke kneeled down in front of him, I let go of his hands and he walked a few steps before he let himself fall in Luke's arms."
"Really?"
"Yeah. We did it 4 or 5 times. Of course it was only a few steps at the time, but he'll get better at it."
Emily smiled. "That's wonderful Lorelai. I can't wait to see him walk."
"It's one of the most beautiful things I've ever seen."
"I'm sure it is."
"And I looked at the house yesterday. It's going pretty fast. The outside is almost finished. I can't wait to see the inside."
"Before you know you can move back in. But Lorelai, I'm going to send your father upstairs to take a shower. I'll see you at the hospital soon, okay?"
"Okay. I'll see you soon."
After Emily hung up, she walked towards Richard's office. He was still behind his desk, looking the same as he did when she found him early that morning. "Richard you still have to get dressed."
"I'll go upstairs in a minute."
"We have to leave in 15 minutes. I want you to go upstairs now. I don't want to be late."
"I said I'm going soon."
She looked at him angrily. "I know you don't want to go, but the doctor will expect my husband to be there and you will be there. Lorelai is already on her way, in time for once and I don't want to be late because of you. You're going upstairs right now and take a shower."
"I never said I don't want to go. Of course I'm going."
"Fine. Then go upstairs now." She walked away without looking back, knowing he would do what she told him.
-xxxxxx-
"Mrs. Gilmore. Mrs. Danes." Doctor Wilson stood up and shook the hands of both woman. Then he turned towards Richard. "You must be Mr. Gilmore. I'm Robert Wilson. I examined your wife yesterday."
"Richard Gilmore."
"Sit down everybody." He waited until they were all seated. "I got the test results back earlier." He opened Emily's file in front of him. "As you know we did a biopsy yesterday. We sent the tissue to the pathology lab and they examined it under the microscope."
"And?" Lorelai didn't want to hear small talk. From the look on the doctor's face she already knew the truth. "She has cancer, doesn't she?"
Dr. Wilson stared directly into Emily's eyes, ignoring Lorelai's question. "The biopsy results show that you have an adeno carcinoma that is infiltrating the ducts."
"Cancer?"
The doctor nodded. "Yes. The tumor is about 2 centimeters each way. We will treat it with surgery and the surgery will have to show if the cancer is spread to the lymph nodes. I arranged an appointment with a surgeon for you, who will explain everything to you. I will call her right now to inform her that you're on your way up. I'm sure that you have a lot of questions, and she will answer all of them."
"What's the name of this surgeon. I want only the best surgeon to take care of my wife." Richard looked at the doctor.
"She's very good at what she does. She operates on a lot of breast cancer patients and her success rate is very high."
"How high?"
"90."
"And there isn't another surgeon with a higher success rate?"
"She's the best we have in this hospital."
"And in other hospitals?"
"If my wife gets diagnosed with breast cancer, she's the surgeon I want to take care of her."
Richard looked at the doctor. "Fine. Call her."
-xxxxxx-
About ten minutes later they entered the surgeon's office. "I'm Sara Keaton."
"Emily Gilmore, and this is my husband Richard and my daughter Lorelai."
"Please sit down."
Lorelai looked at the surgeon. The woman wasn't much older than she was. She turned to look at her father and saw that he was thinking the same thing. She hoped that he would keep still and wouldn't start doubting her qualities again.
Just like Doctor Wilson had done earlier, doctor Keaton focused her attention on Emily. "As doctor Wilson told you, you have a tumor that's called an adeno carcinoma. I know that this won't mean anything to you, so you can just forget about this. The tumor has a diameter of 2 centimeters which is pretty small. This will give us two possible treatment options.
Because the tumor is small, we can remove the tumor only, together with some of the surrounding tissue. This means you will be able to keep the breast. After the surgery you will need radiotherapy, to make sure that there won't stay any malignant cells behind that can start growing again.
The other option is to remove the complete breast. If we won't find any malignant cells in the lymph nodes in your armpit, you won't need any further treatment.
No matter which surgical procedure you'll choose, we have to make sure that there are no metastasis in the lymph nodes in your armpit. This is the most common place for breast cancer to spread and from there it can spread further through the body. Only a few years ago they removed the lymph nodes preventively. After they were taken out, a pathologist examined them and if they found any malignant cells, there would be further treatment. But taking out the lymph nodes can come with a lot of complications. Therefore we don't do that anymore. We have this procedure called a sentinel node where we locate the first lymph node in the armpit. This node is called the sentinel node. We take out this specific lymph node during the surgery and send it to the pathologist while you are still on the table. When there are no malignant cells in this node, we can leave the other lymph nodes alone.
Emily tried to observe all the information but it was too much at once. She was still dealing with the fact that she has breast cancer, and now she has to think about which kind of surgery is best.
Lorelai looked at her parents and knew they were having trouble observing all the information. "What would you advice my mother to do? Why would she decide to have her breast remove when it's not really necessary? I mean, I assume it's not really necessary otherwise you wouldn't offer this option, right?"
"There are many different reasons why women decide to have a mastectomy."
Lorelai looked confused.
"A mastectomy is a fancy name for removing a breast."
She nodded.
"I can't tell your mother what she should do. A lumpectomy, where you remove only the tumor and not the complete breast, is much less invasive. But some women are scared that it's not enough." She turned back to face Emily. "I can't tell you what to do. You are the one that has to make this decision. All I can tell you is that the success rate of a lumpectomy in combination with a sentinel node and radiotherapy is very high. But if you have any reason why you want a mastectomy, then that's what we're going to do."
Emily nodded. "I don't know what is best."
"Let me give you some brochures with information. We'll schedule the surgery right now but I'll give you some time to think about what you want to do. We'll schedule an appointment within a few days from now where we can talk about what you want and how we're going to do it. Then you will also talk to an anesthesiologist and I want you to get a chest x-ray."
Emily nodded again. "That sounds good."
The doctor handed Emily some brochures which were already laying on her desk. "These are the brochures about the surgery and the sentinel node. And this is a form you have to fill in for the anesthesiologist. You don't have to fill it in right now, but just bring it to the appointment. There are questions about your medical history and your current life style. I'll walk to the reception right now to ask when they can schedule the surgery and then I'll come back so we can schedule the appointments." She stood up and walked away.
Richard was lost in his thoughts, while Emily looked at Lorelai. "What do you think?"
"I don't know mom. This is your decision."
"I know it is. But what would you do?"
"I don't know. I really don't know. You have to talk about it with dad and decide together."
Emily nodded, knowing that was true. Part of her had already made up her mind. If there was a chance she could keep her breast, she would take it. But if Richard would feel more confident if she had it removed, she would do that for him.
Lorelai didn't know what to say anymore. Fortunately for her she didn't have to think about it for long because Doctor Keaton came back.
She sat down across from the Gilmore family again. "There's an opening in the schedule Thursday next week. We will admit you on Wednesday afternoon. Then on Thursday morning you will first go to the nuclear medicine department for the sentinel node. And after that you'll go straight to surgery. I can't exactly tell you what time that will be because it depends on how soon we locate the sentinel node. Most of the time they can locate the sentinel node after 30 minutes, but sometimes it takes up to three hours. There is a lot of good information in the brochure and they will explain the whole procedure before they start the examination that Thursday.
Then, I also want to schedule an appointment this Friday at 2 o clock so we can talk about the surgery. About what you have decided to do and what you can expect after the surgery. I arranged an appointment with the anesthesiologist that same day at 2.30. You can go downstairs to radiology right now for the picture of your chest. But before you leave, do you have any questions?"
Emily shook her head. "I don't think so."
"And you?" She turned to Richard and Lorelai.
Richard, who had been silent the whole time, finally opened his mouth. "How old are you?"
"Excuse me?"
"You don't seem much older than my daughter."
Sara Keaton had dealt with situations like this many times. "I understand that you are worried about your wife and that you want the best surgeon to take care of. Maybe I'm not very old, but I've done this for quite some time now and an uncountable amount of times. I can promise you that I will do everything I can to take care of her."
"I'm just not sure if that's enough."
"I understand that sir. The truth is that I'm probably not the best surgeon in the country. But I do know that I am the best surgeon in this hospital, and probably even the best surgeon in this county. But I can't tell you that I have to be the one operating on your wife. If you can find someone else who you find more capable, then you have to take her there. But you have to keep in mind that there can be long waiting lists and that it's in your wife's best interest to operate as soon as possible."
Richard wanted to open his mouth again, but Emily silenced him. "Richard, that's enough. It's my body and I want this doctor to operate on me. I believe that she's good at what she does and I trust her."
Richard looked at his wife in shock. "I just want what's best for you."
"I know. And I believe that this is what's best for me." She turned to the doctor. "Thank you so much for what you've done for me already. I will think about which surgical procedure is best for me and come here Friday to discuss it. I want to thank you for finding a place in your schedule so soon."
Sara Keaton nodded. "You're welcome." She handed Emily a piece of paper. "You have to hand this over at the radiology desk."
"Thank you." Emily took the form and stood up, shaking the doctor's hand and soon Lorelai and Richard followed her example. They went to radiology where they had to wait only a few minutes before they could take Emily's chest x-rays and after that they walked towards the main entrance.
-xxxxxx-
"Do you want me to come home with you. We can have a cup of coffee or something. I know that I can't have coffee but you can have coffee and I can have something else. Tea, I can have tea."
"That's very sweet of you Lorelai, but I want to talk to your father alone."
"Are you sure? Luke's taking care of Lucan and they are doing fine at the inn without me and there's nobody else who needs me. Rory's in college and…" She paused, realizing that Rory knew nothing about this situation.
"I'll tell her later. I promise."
"Mom, she has a right to know. And you don't have to be the one telling her. I can tell her for you."
"I'll tell her. But there are some other things I need to take care of first."
"But the surgery is next week. You can't wait until after the surgery before you tell her. Besides, I'll talk to her before that and I know that I can't keep a secret from her. Especially not this."
"I will tell her before the surgery. I just need some time."
"But…"
"No. I want you to respect my opinion for once." Emily looked at her daughter as she raised her voice. "This is about me and my body and I want to tell my granddaughter. I have to tell her this and I want to do it my way. Do you understand?"
"Yes… but…"
"No. You're not telling her. I want you to go home to your husband right now so your father and I can go home and talk. I'll call you later."
"Fine." Lorelai turned around and walked towards her car, not looking back towards her mother. She was angry at her mother, not understanding why she didn't want to tell Rory right away. As if it would be easier if she waited. And Rory deserved to know the truth. She's 22 years old and about to graduate from college. She's an adult and perfectly able to handle it. She cursed inwardly as she walked towards her car and had trouble opening her door because she was too angry. Her hands were shaking and that made it hard to put the key in the lock. She knew she had to calm herself down, not only because she wouldn't make it inside her car, but also for the sake of her babies. Realizing that, it took her only a few seconds to control herself and to open her car door. She got inside and sat down, relaxing in her seat for a while.
-xxxxxx-
"Emily." When Lorelai walked away, Emily had stubbornly walked into the other direction, her pace fast and Richard had to run a few steps to catch up with her. She ignored him as she continued walking. "Emily."
She turned around suddenly. "What."
"Why did you yell at Lorelai?"
"Because her behavior was inappropriate. She can't tell me what to do."
"But she's right. You have to tell Rory."
"And I will tell Rory. But there are other things I need to take care of first. I'll tell her when I want to."
"But Lorelai is her mother. Why don't you let her tell Rory?"
"Because this is about me and it is my job to tell her. That's the way you handle situations like that. It's the only appropriate way to do it. Lorelai just wants someone to talk to and I already let her tell Luke so she can talk to him if she wants to talk to someone. I want to talk to Rory when I am ready for it."
"Emily." Richard sighed.
"We'll talk about it at home."
"Fine."
-xxxxxx-
Lorelai parked the car in front of the diner and walked inside. Luke looked up when he saw her and immediately turned to Lane. "I'm going to take Lorelai upstairs. You can call me if you and Jake need some help down here."
"I think we'll be fine for a while."
"Thanks." He moved his head towards the staircase to let Lorelai know they were going upstairs.
She nodded gratefully, as she remained silence until they reached the apartment. "I can't believe she won't let me tell Rory. She has a right to know. I can't keep this a secret from my daughter. I have to tell her. I'm going to call her, no matter what my mother says." She walked towards the phone and already had it in her hands before Luke stopped her.
"Lorelai, let's sit down for a minute okay?"
She turned to look at him. What?"
"Let's sit down and talk about what happened. I know something happened and I don't think calling Rory in the state you are in right now, is a good idea. This isn't news you want to give her over the phone."
She sighed. "Fine."
They walked towards the couch and sat down next to each other. "What did the doctor say?"
Lorelai looked in his eyes. "She has it."
"Oh Lorelai, I'm so sorry."
She smiled slightly. "Yeah, me too. But part of me already knew it. I wasn't even surprised. I guess I already got used to the idea."
"But still…"
"They're going to operate on her. She can choose if she wants to keep her breast or not. She asked me what I would do, but I can't even think about it. For me it would be totally different. I mean, I still need my breasts right? I still have to breast feed the twins for a few. But if I was her age… I really don't know. I think it's really weird if you have to miss a part of your body. But if it would save my life I would do it. It's just… she can choose and that makes it hard. I guess that if I had a chance to keep it I would, but if the risks are higher…. I just don't know."
"It's something your mother has to discuss with your father. It's not your decision to make, and let's hope it never will be."
"But it might. I guess that since my grandmother had it and now my mother has it, that there's a big chance that one day…"
"Don't think about that okay? I don't want you to think like that. If it…." He shook his head. "No, I don't even want to talk about it. We'll deal with it if it comes."
"But you have these tests…"
"What kind of tests?"
"I saw this program on TV once where they were talking about a DNA test. They can see if you have a higher risk of getting breast cancer in your genes. Like you have something different in your DNA or something."
"And then what? What if you know that you have that gene? Does it make any difference?"
"I don't know. Maybe…"
"Let's not talk about this right now. We have to focus on your mother right now and if you really want to get tested, we'll talk about it with a doctor later so he can explain what it really means and what the benefits are."
"Okay."
"Do you know when they'll operate on your mom?"
"Thursday next week. They'll do some sort of test that has something to do with the lymph nodes first, and then she'll go up to surgery. They're going to admit her on Wednesday afternoon."
"That's quick."
"Yeah, there was an opening in the schedule so she was lucky I guess. But the sooner the better, right?"
"Absolutely."
She closed her eyes for a few seconds, then opened them and stared directly into Luke's. "We were doing fine all the time we were in the hospital. We listened and talked to the doctors and we talked together. But when we left the hospital and I asked my mom if I could go home with them to drink some coffee it went all wrong…"
When she remained silent he squeezed her hand.
"I started rambling and realized that Rory doesn't know yet. I asked my mother if I should tell her, but she didn't want to hear any of it. She wants to tell her herself. But she doesn't want to do it right now. She started yelling at me Luke. I think it's wrong. Rory deserves to know the truth and it won't be any easier if she waits. She can't tell her next Wednesday saying 'guess what I'm going to do tomorrow.'"
"She'll tell her. Your mom just needs some time to deal with everything. She has to think about what she wants to do and she still has to process everything. She just needs some time to think how she's going to tell this to Rory. You know it will break her heart."
"I do. Rory loves her grandmother. It's just…"
"Just what?"
"I want to tell Rory myself because I want to be there for her. I understand that my mom wants to tell her, but it was hard enough that she had to tell my dad."
"Your mother can handle it. It will be hard but they'll find comfort in each other. And Rory will come to you too. She needs you, just like your mother needs you."
Lorelai's eyes filled with tears for the first time that day. "I'm just not sure if I can handle that. And if I can't, then how can my mom?"
Luke pulled Lorelai against him. "You will be there for each other. All of you. And I will be there too. I'm here for you now and I will be there for Rory. And for your parents for that matter. We're a family and we'll take care of each other."
Lorelai nodded as she silently cried against Luke's shoulder. After a minute or so she pulled away, wiping the tears away with the back of her hand. "Sorry."
"Don't be." He kissed her on her forehead. "It's going to be okay. I promise."
Lorelai put her head back on his shoulder. "I hope so."
T.B.C.