Chapter 36
The sun was starting to set by the time Anakin and Padmé reached the Lake District. Orange and red streaks of fading sunlight settled into the horizon as the gondola made its way across the placid lake waters. Anakin watched his wife as she took in the serene beauty of their surroundings, hoping that they would trigger memories of the many wonderful times they'd shared there. His mind was a tumult of memories, so many wonderful memories of the time they had spent alone here; he had been a mere nineteen years old when he'd escorted Padmé here under the orders of the Jedi Council. The few days that they had spent here had been fraught with angst and frustration as he fought desperately to master the feelings he had for her. And then, a mere few days later, they had retuned to this idyllic place and were married in a secret ceremony. This was a happy place, a place that represented the most wonderful part of their life together. It was these memories that he hoped would return to her now. Perhaps if the good memories returned first, the bad ones would be easier to bear. Perhaps- perhaps they will make the good ones seem irrelevant and meaningless…perhaps they will negate every happy memory we ever shared…
"It's so beautiful here," Padmé said, turning to Anakin with a smile.
He nodded in response. "Yes, it is," he replied. "This was always one of your favorite places."
"I can see why," she replied, turning back to look at the grand house that was coming into view. "Is that the retreat?" she asked.
"That's it," Anakin said, looking up at the house. "Quite magnificent, isn't it?"
"It certainly is," Padmé replied. She stared hard at the house, as though willing her memory of it to return.
"We were married here, Padmé," Anakin told her.
She turned to him in surprise. "Were we?"
He nodded. "Yes, right up on the terrace. It was about this time of day, too."
Padmé turned back and looked up at the house as it came fully into view. "I wish I could remember that," she said softly.
Anakin put a hand on her shoulder. "You will, Padmé," he assured her. "I'm sure of it."
Servants of the household who had been alerted of their arrival met the gondola as it docked. They took the luggage up to house, leaving Anakin and Padmé alone to make their way to the house at a more leisurely pace.
"This is the spot where we kissed for the first time," Anakin told her as they reached the terrace.
Padmé walked over and rested her hands on the railing. She looked out upon the spectacular vista before her, as though willing herself to remember that momentous occasion. "Tell me about it," she said to Anakin at last.
Anakin walked over and stood beside her, just as he had on the day so long ago. "Well, you were telling me how much you loved it here," he began. "How you and your family would come here on school break, and how you and your sister would swim out to the island out there and lay on the sand to dry off in the sun. You liked to guess the names of the birds who were singing. I told you that I didn't like sand, that it was rough and got everywhere. I remember you were wearing this incredible dress, your entire back was bare, and your arms…I couldn't take my eyes off of you."
"So how did this kiss happen?" she asked. "Had we been dating or something?"
Anakin smiled. "No, not exactly," he replied. "I was assigned to protect you, that was why we were here. As a senator you had made some enemies, and the Jedi Council thought you'd be safer here. I had been in love with you for years, but hadn't seen you since we were children. Anyway, I suppose it was the dress, or maybe your intoxicating beauty, but we just sort of looked into one another's eyes, and before we knew it, we were kissing. It was like a taste of heaven," he told her with a smile.
Padmé smiled too, enchanted by his narrative. "It sounds like you weren't the only one in love," she observed.
Anakin laughed. "Well, you weren't quite as open about your feelings as I was," he told her. "You were always more level headed than me. You knew how difficult it would be for us to be together, since Jedi were forbidden from having emotional attachments."
"But we got married after all, despite those restrictions," she pointed out.
Anakin nodded. "Yes we did," he said. "We were married right here on this terrace, just down there," he said, pointing to the corner where they had exchanged their vows more than twenty years earlier. "We had to keep our marriage a secret from everyone, even your family. It wasn't easy, but we couldn't deny what we felt for one another."
Padmé sighed. "That's quite a love story," she said. "What a pity the war had to spoil it."
Anakin did not reply. The war was only a very small part of what had happened to destroy their relationship; it was only the proverbial tip of the ice burg. She was no where near ready to learn the truth of what had really befallen them.
"It's getting dark," he said at last. "Maybe we should go inside and get settled in."
"Alright," she said. She turned to leave with him, and then thought as her ears detected a sound. "Is that …a waterfall I hear?" she asked, unable to see it in the distance because of the twilight.
"Yes it is," he told her. "There is an enormous one not far from here. Tomorrow we can go up to a place that provides a magnificent view of it if you like."
A meadow with a waterfall nearby? Padmé thought to herself, startled by what she hoped was mere coincidence. "I would like that very much," she said at last, deciding she needed to see for herself it this was indeed the place she had dreamed of so many times.
"Good," Anakin said. "Let's go inside now," he said, taking her hand.
Anakin was not sure what sleeping arrangements had been made for them, and felt rather awkward to bring up the subject. Yes, they were married; but theirs was anything but a typical marriage at the moment. And while he would like nothing more than to share his wife's bed once again, he knew that Padmé was not ready for such a huge step in their relationship. And even if she were, he would not feel right about it, not yet; not until she knew everything. He would not take advantage of the feelings he knew were growing between them, not while there was still so much that she did not know.
"Dinner is ready to be served, milady," one of the servants informed Padmé as they entered the house.
"Thank you," Padmé replied. "Hungry?" she asked Anakin.
Anakin nodded. "Always," he replied with a smile. "Shall we?" he said, offering her his arm.
"By all means," Padmé replied, taking his arm.
They enjoyed a sumptuous meal, served in grand fashion in the dining room. Anakin had spent so many years being unable to eat real food, that he still savored every morsel of it now that he was able to. So many memories of meals shared together during their honeymoon and then later after his knighthood came to mind as he and Padmé sat together.
"I was thinking that perhaps Luke and Leia could join us here," Padmé said as they enjoyed their dessert. "I would dearly love to see them."
Anakin considered her suggestion. "I know how much they want to see you too," he told her. "I just worry that they may inadvertently reveal the location of the Rebel base were they to leave. The Empire would stop at nothing to destroy their base utterly were they to find it."
Padmé nodded, understanding and yet disappointed. "You're right," she said. "How did it all start, Anakin? This conflict between the Empire and the Rebel Alliance?"
"There have always been those who are opposed to the Empire," he replied. "Ever since its inception twenty years ago there have been pockets of resistance. Over the years they have banded together and represent a formidable opponent for the Empire."
"Have you been a part of the Alliance?" she asked.
Not exactly… "No, he told her, "I have not been involved in their activities."
Padmé sighed. "I feel so out of touch," she said. "There is so much I don't know, I don't remember. Palo kept me very isolated in that place; the only news I heard was what he wanted me to know."
"That doesn't surprise me," Anakin replied sourly. "He wanted to be in complete control of you, Padmé; that included controlling what you knew and didn't know."
"I trusted him," she said, shaking her head ruefully. "I completely trusted him, and yet he used me all along. What kind of a person abuses someone when they are at their most vulnerable?"
"A monster," Anakin replied, the guilt filling him once again. Only a monster would attack his pregnant wife who wanted nothing more than to love him, to raise their child with him…
"You knew him as a child, Padmé," Anakin told her. "Palo. He was the first one to kiss you."
"Palo was??" she asked in shock.
Anakin nodded. "You seem rather surprised by that," he remarked.
"Well, he just never struck me as the ….romantic type," she replied.
Anakin kept his opinion of Palo to himself for the moment.
"I'm just glad he's out of my life now," she said. "I can't imagine what would have happened if you hadn't arrived when you did, Anakin. I really do owe you my life."
"You don't," he replied, unable to let her go on. "My own life was meaningless and empty without you in it. Finding you has given me back my life, so it is I who owe you my life, Padmé, not the other way around."
Padmé smiled. "You're so sweet," she said, reaching over and putting her hand on his.
Anakin picked her hand up and kissed it tenderly.
"Excuse me, milady."
Padmé and Anakin looked up to see one of the maid servants.
"We have your suite all prepared for you, milady," she told.
"Thank you," Padmé replied. She looked at Anakin. "I hope you remember the way," she said with a smile.
Anakin nodded as he stood up and pulled Padmé's chair out for her. "I do," he said. "This way."
Entering the room where he and Padmé had spent their wedding night was almost too much for Anakin. The fact that Padmé had no memory of that incredible night made it even more difficult.
"It appears your mother did not fill the staff in on the…particulars of our current relationship," Anakin said awkwardly as they both stood looking at the large bed in the center of the room.
"No, it doesn't look that way does it?" Padmé remarked, feeling equally awkward.
"There are plenty of rooms," Anakin said at last. "I'll just go to one of them. I don't want you to be uncomfortable."
"Thank you," she said, watching him pick up his bag.
"Goodnight," he said, facing her once again.
"Goodnight Anakin," she replied. "Sleep well."
"So that's a shaak," Anakin say, folding his arms over his chest. "Not nearly as big as I thought they'd be."
"Sorry to disappoint you," I reply, hands on my hips. "I suppose a beast like that is no challenge at all to a Jedi."
He looks back at me. "Challenge?" he asks me. "Did you say challenge?"
I laugh. "Yes, I did. Why, what have you got into your head now, Anakin Skywalker?"
He grins at me.. "Just watch me," he tells me. He approaches the herd of beasts, walking slowly and carefully so as not to startle them. One looks up at him, and he focuses on it. And then, quite to my utter surprise, he leaps onto its back!
"Ani, are you crazy!!?" I shout in alarm.
"I never back down from a challenge," he replies with a wink as he struggles to keep his balance. The beast obviously doesn't like having a passenger and starts to run, doing its best to dislodge him. Anakin laughs as it runs erratically up over the ridge, I run along behind to keep up, laughing along with him.
"Whoa…whoa!!" he yells as he begins to lose his balance. . It kicks out its back legs and sends him flying onto the ground, and then gives him an extra kick with its hooves for good measure. He's hurt, I know it! Why did I let him do something so fool hardy?? I run to him, seeing him struggling to stand, but unable to because of the pain.
"Ani!" I cry. "Ani are you alright??" I run up to him and turn him over. "Ani!!"
He is laughing!! He is actually laughing! Relieved and annoyed that he finds my distress so hilarious I smack him as hard as I can against the leather tabard. This only makes him laugh more and he grabs my wrists to prevent me from hitting him again. "You are incorrigible," I tell him, trying not to smile at him.
"Yes I know," he says. He roll me over onto my back, but I'm not about to give up so easily and we struggle for supremacy, both of us laughing. Finally he gives up the fight, and simply lies on the grass, with me on top of him.
"Do you give up?" I ask triumphantly.
"Yes," he tells me. "You win."
I smile. "Just remember that, Jedi, the next time you try to pull a stunt like that again."
He gives me his best innocent face. "What stunt would that be, my lady?"
"Trying to scare the heart out of me," I reply. "I really thought you were hurt," I add. His expression grows more serious as he realizes that I am being completely honest.
"I'm sorry," he tells me. "I didn't mean to frighten you, Padmé."
I look down at him and for a moment we simply look into one another's eyes. I am suddenly acutely aware of our bodies' closeness, for what had started out as a playful tumble in the grass has suddenly increased a notch in intensity.
"I would never do anything to hurt you or frighten you," he tells me softly, releasing one of his hands and bringing it up to my face. He pushes a tendril of hair away and gently caresses my cheek. How much longer am I going to be able to hide what I feel for him? How much longer will I be able to deny the way he makes me feel? Anakin looks into my eyes and I know that he can see what I am feeling. He is a Jedi, after all; he knows what I am feeling sometimes before I do myself. He releases his other hand and places it on my shoulder, trying to coax me down. His eyes are fixed upon my mouth, and I know what he wants. I want it too, and begin to move towards him. But then I stop; I can't do this, I can't give in to this, no matter how much I want to, no matter how much I want him.
"No, Anakin," I say sitting up. "We can't do this." I get off of him and stand up, turning away from him. He gets to his feet and move over to me.
"Why not?" he asks, moving closer to me. I look up at him, and for an instant I almost give in. He moves even closer, bending down to me. I reach out and put my hand on his arm, meaning to push him away, but not quite managing it.
"You are so beautiful," he tells me softly. "So …beautiful..." and then he kisses me. He holds my body against his as our mouths meet, the intensity of our kiss doubled since the previous day. It is as though there are no barriers to being together, I am not a senator, he is not a Jedi, and we are merely a man and a woman, driven by our need for one another.
It would be so easy to give in to the way he makes me feel, but I know that I mustn't, and I know that it must be me who remains the voice of reason. I pull away from him, breaking our kiss.
"We can't, Ani," I say softly. "We just can't. I'm sorry…"
He nods at me, the disappointment clear in his beautiful eyes. "I'm sorry, Padmé," he tells me as he releases me. "This time it was my doing, not yours."
I smile at him. "Well then we're even I guess, aren't we?" I say.
He smiles back at me. "Yeah, I guess so." For a moment we simply stand, not touching, but looking deeply into one another's eyes, communicating silently the longing we dare not put into words.
Padmé woke up, startled by the powerful emotions her dream had evoked. This was a memory, I know it, she thought to herself. Anakin…