Chapter 42
Where do I begin? Anakin thought as he moved to the edge of the bed. He reached under the bedclothes and retrieved his sleep pants and slipped them on.
"Well?" she said. "I'm waiting."
Anakin stood up and commenced pacing about the room. "It all began the day that you told me you were pregnant," he began. "Do you remember that day?"
Padmé nodded. "Yes, I do," she said. "You said it was the happiest day of your life."
"And it was," he said, turning back to her. "Until that night, when I began to dream of you dying in childbirth."
"I remember," she said. "But what does that have to do with …"
"Everything," he said. "I became so obsessed with finding a way to save you that I allowed myself to be manipulated by Sidious, Dark Lord of the Sith, who lead me to believe that only though the Dark Side could I save you from dying."
"The Dark Side?" Padmé asked, sitting up in the bed. "You mean…you became a Sith to try to prevent me from dying? I don't understand, Ani, you were a Jedi. I remember that, I remember you being a hero in the war…what are you saying?"
"I'm saying that I betrayed the Jedi," he said, confessing his crime for the first time. "I helped the Sith destroy them."
"Destroy them how?" she asked, beginning to grow alarmed.
He turned back to her, the screams of younglings, and the sight of their faces flashing through his mind. "I killed them, Padmé," he told her. "I slaughtered them, hundreds of them, many of them younglings. Sidious told me that in order for me to save you, I needed to be strong with the Dark Side. Killing the Jedi drove me further into the Darkness, so far that I was unreachable."
Flashes of memory began to assault Padmé as she listened in silent horror to his narrative. She saw Obi-Wan, his eyes full of sadness, his voice cracking with anguish as he told her…what was it that he had said? What were the words that had shattered her world? I have seen a security hologram of him killing younglings…He was deceived by a lie. We all were. It appears that the Chancellor is behind everything, including the war. Palpatine is the Sith Lord we've been looking for. After the death of Count Dooku, Anakin became his new apprentice…
Padmé became cold all of a sudden, and pulled the blanket up around her bare shoulders as she looked up at him, knowing there was more to his story, but not certain she had the strength to hear it.
Anakin could see that she was horrified by what he had told her, and he'd barely begun.
"Unreachable? What exactly does that mean?" she asked at last.
Anakin sighed, and ran a hand through his hair. He felt the knots that had been forming within him for weeks now starting to tighten as the moment he'd been dreading was suddenly upon him. "I was sent to the planet Mustafar by my master," he told her. "To kill the Separatists there. While I was still there, you arrived. You had been told by Obi-Wan what I had done, and you wanted me to tell you that it wasn't true…"
"Mustafar?" she asked, getting out of the bed slowly, wrapping the blanket around herself. She stared at him as she images started to coalesce in her mind, images too horrible to speak of, so horrible that her mind had refused them entry, blocking out an entire life time of memories in order to keep them at bay. But now they crashed upon her, relentless and unstoppable
I don't believe what I'm hearing . . . Obi-Wan was right. You've changed!
I don't want to hear any more about Obi-Wan. The Jedi turned against me. Don't you turn against me!
I don't know you anymore. Anakin, you're breaking my heart! I'll never stop loving you, but you are going down a path I can't follow.
Because of Obi-Wan?
Because of what you've done . . . what you plan to do. Stop, stop now. Come back! I love you.
Liar!
No!
You're with him. You've betrayed me! You brought him here to kill me!
NO! Anakin…. I swear ... I...
Padmé's hands went to her throat as she remembered, at last, what Anakin had done next. "You…you tried to kill me!" she said quietly, her dark eyes full of pain and sorrow. "You tried to choke me to death, and would have done so if Obi-Wan hadn't stopped you!!"
"Padmé, Angel," he began, walking over to her. "That moment was a mistake, a horrible, senseless mistake…I …"
"A mistake?" she cried. "Is that what you call trying to kill your pregnant wife?? A mistake?"
Anakin shook his head. "Padmé, please," he began, "I was mad, I didn't know what I was doing! You mean more to me than anything in the galaxy! I never would have…"
"Stop, just stop right there," she said, putting her hand up and backing away from him. "Don't come any closer…don't touch me, don't even come close to me!"
Anakin felt as though his heart were rending in two. "Padmé, please," he begged her. "Please try to understand; I have regretted that moment every day since it happened! I have hated myself every day for what I did to you! You must know in your heart how much I love you!"
Padmé shook her head. "I don't know anything," she said bitterly. "I can't believe you allowed what happened last night between us before I knew what happened!"
"How did you expect me to stop what was happening?" he demanded in frustration. "You seduced me! I have tried to resist you for weeks now because I wanted to tell you the whole truth first before we…"
"If that were true you would have stopped me," she said angrily. "You wanted it to happen as much as I did! Don't deny that!"
"Of course I won't deny it!" he replied. "I have always wanted you, Padmé, that has never changed! But I knew that it would be wrong to take our relationship to that level without you knowing the truth."
"You didn't have any trouble last night," she retorted, turning away from him. She closed her eyes as the tears started rolling down her cheeks. "How could you, Anakin?" she asked softly, her heart aching. "How could you do that to me? How could you betray me that way? I have spent the past twenty years alone without my children because of what you did on that day! You stole my children from me! You stole twenty years of my life from me! Twenty years that I will never get back!"
Anakin didn't know what to say, what could he say? What defense could he offer for what he had done? She was right, after all; he had taken so much from her. And no matter what he did now, no matter how much he loved her, those years were gone, and no amount of love or apology would bring them back.
"I know how angry you are," Anakin said at last. "And you have every right to be. But surely you can see that I have changed, Padmé; I am not the same man who committed those heinous crimes, who betrayed you in such an unconscionable manner. I love you, Padmé! My life these past twenty years without you has been a living hell! Had I known that you lived, I…"
"What have you been doing for the past twenty years?" she asked. "You became a Sith – so obviously you have been a part of the Empire, right?"
"Yes, that is right," he replied.
"So you have been doing your best to persecute our children?" she asked. "You've been helping the Empire to crush the Rebellion?"
"Yes, that was my mandate," he said. "But once I realized that Leia was my child, I abandoned the Empire, Padmé. I rescued Leia from the Death Star; I helped the Rebellion destroy the Death Star. Surely you can see that I have changed, that there is no trace of Darth Vader left within me."
Padmé's eyes widened in shock at his words. "You…you're Darth Vader?" she asked.
Anakin cast his eyes down to the floor. "Yes, for twenty years I was," he admitted. "I wasn't sure you'd heard of him, having been in that institution for all those years."
"I have," she said, trying to process the information her mind was refusing to believe. "How could you be Darth Vader? He was a cyborg…a monster, a murderer!"
"I was injured on Mustafar, and nearly died," he told her. "The mask and breath suit was the only way I could live. I recently had massive surgery to repair my injuries; Sidious had lied to me when he told me that they were irreparable. He lied to me about everything, Padmé, everything! I sacrificed everything to save you, and it was all for nothing!"
Padmé turned away from him, unable to face him any longer. "I…I can't deal with all of this," she said numbly. "It's too much. I…I need to get away from here," she said, heading for the door.
"Padmé, please," Anakin said, trying to block her way. "Don't leave!"
She looked up at him, and in her eyes he could see the depth of her pain, her resentment and disillusionment. "Move aside, Anakin," she said quietly.
"I'm begging you," he said, "please…"
"I begged you once, Anakin," she told him coldly. "I begged you to abandon the Dark Side and come away with me to raise our child- but you chose the Dark Side over me and our baby, our babies. Stand aside, Anakin. I'm leaving."
Anakin had no choice but to move aside so that she could pass. He watched her as she ran down the corridor and into her own room, followed by the slamming of her door. He turned back to the room where just mere hours ago everything had seemed so perfect. Something caught his eye and he walked over to the bed. Bending down he picked up the black negligee that she had been wearing when she had come into his room the previous night. Sitting down on the edge of the bed, he brought the garment to his face, the scent of her surrounding him, making his agony even greater. Burying his face in the nightie, he gave in to his grief and wept.