A/N: Ok, so just to clear something up...Serena's POV is obviously from a long time ago, since she's dead. However, for the rest I'm assuming it's around the eighth season or later because I need Elliot to be divorced so I don't feel guilty writing EO. Thanks for reviewing!
Leaving SVU was probably the best choice I ever made, but that doesn't stop it from hurting.
Since I've been with Narcotics, I haven't had a case that depressed me week after week. I haven't cried about a victim, because there aren't really any victims. Just perps. I can handle collaring guys for trafficking or whatever. It's straightforward, and usually there isn't any violence. It's better.
But it's also worse. We don't really care about each other. The detectives, I mean. I looked up to John, Elliot, and Cragen. They were like big brothers, or fathers, or something. I could talk to them about stuff. As much as the job sucked, it could be fun.
With Narcotics, we talk about sports. We gamble. We do guy things.
Being around all these guys every day makes me miss having the girls around. Monique was great, but Olivia was especially awesome. I miss Olivia. I never thought I'd miss her so much. I mean, we didn't really have a relationship.
I wanted one, more than anything. Olivia was perfection as far as I was concerned. She was beautiful, so smart, so good, and so far out of my reach.
It figures that she had to be drunk before she'd sleep with me. It was a dream come true for me, and something I wanted since I met her. The second we got back to my place and I kissed her, I knew that I shouldn't let myself turn it into more than it was. We didn't discuss anything the whole time. We just had sex over and over. But I let myself fall in love with her.
When her beeper went off and woke us up, I was totally thrilled to find her naked in my arms. I didn't want her to go. And the sex was incredible. She made me feel more alive than I ever did before. When she told me not to get used to it, I hoped she was kidding.
I went to the stationhouse later, walking on air. And she blew me off all day. I was an idiot to get my hopes up, and she crushed my heart that day.
Things were never the same after that. I was bitter every time Olivia got dressed up to go out, every time she told Monique about her dates. And I started to hate Elliot. I mean shit, he was married but he still had Olivia falling all over him. I noticed every time she smiled at him and every time she touched his arm.
It got too hard. The cases got to me more and more as time went on. And I couldn't handle just being friends with Olivia. I wanted more, and when I didn't get it, I pushed her away.
My biggest regret is that I left without saying goodbye to her. I was so upset about the vic Cragen had sent me to check up on, and I could hardly tell John that I was leaving. But I didn't say a thing to Olivia. I think the last words I ever said to her face were sarcastic.
I called her that night after working my way through a bottle of gin. I don't remember what I said, but it was probably really hard to understand. All I remember is her telling me she was sorry, and really sounding like she meant it. She called me "Bri" which almost made me lose it.
Part of me wishes I had stayed and tried to work it out with her. Maybe I could have made her love me at least a little. Maybe we could have fixed whatever it was we had.
But maybe I would have just lost more of myself. Every case tore off part of my heart. I would have given all that I had left to Olivia, but I probably wouldn't have gotten anything back. It's not her fault. She didn't refuse to love me; she just didn't. And I let myself get carried away after one night with her. All the same, how can something that meant the world to me mean nothing to her?
So maybe I gave up on the chance of having Olivia, but I doubt it. The possibility of love, the really small possibility, is not worth losing yourself over. I lost my friends, and I lost her, but at least I still have some of my maimed heart left.
A/N: It was really hard to write Brian because he's not very eloquent (I kept feeling like I was making him sound all proper and British or something, haha)...I hope I did ok! I sort of hate him, like all good EO shippers, but I find myself liking him (or feeling sorry for him) the more episodes from season 1 that I see. Anyway, I hope you liked it!