A/N: Ok, I am so freaking ridiculous. I'm totally supposed to be studying for finals, and yet I just keep writing chapters! What is wrong with me?! My excuse for this one was eating breakfast really slowly...I couldn't possibly study while I was eating, but of course I could write another chapter. Lol. Enjoy!
Looking back, I can't believe how long I've know Olivia. Almost ten years. It's cliché, but it feels like only yesterday Cragen introduced her to us and we all went out on our first case together. On the other hand, I feel like I've known her for most of my life. I guess that's partly accurate, because I sometimes think my life began, and will eventually end, with SVU.
Ten years. That's the longest I've ever known a woman, discounting relatives. It's longer than I knew any of my wives before I married them, and certainly much longer than any of those marriages lasted. That's arguably pretty pathetic…my only relationship of any longevity...with a woman, that is...is strictly platonic. It's fine, though. I could never think of Olivia in any other way than as a friend or little sister. It's good for me.
It's funny to think back to the days when we weren't all so close. We were a squad, and nothing more. For about a week, that is. We bonded so fast, and now I'd say we're the tightest-knit precinct in New York.
At the beginning though…I can't help laughing at how much more formal we were then. I distinctly remember calling Olivia "Benson." Hell, I remember Elliot calling her "Benson." It sounds so ridiculous now. She quickly became "Olivia" and then just "Liv." Somehow I think that evolution sums it all up better than anything else could.
I'm still "Munch" a lot of the time, but it's different for some reason. Calling me by my last name is sort of a product of familiarity within the one-six. Wrapped up in that single syllable is an unspoken and unacknowledged by ever-present jibe at me for my conspiracy theories and my odd mannerisms. It fits me, but it's hard to explain the significance to outsiders.
In any case, calling her "Benson" would be so ludicrously impersonal. She's Olivia, our Liv, and we all care about her so much.
I often try to pinpoint when we stopped being just a team and became so much more. I think it started, for me, anyway, when Richard White was after Olivia. I got this burning anger in my chest and this need to protect her. I realized that I cared about her, not only as a fellow detective, but as a person.
What really cemented my feelings for Olivia was learning about her father. When Elliot warned me not to mention him, I must admit I wasn't overly concerned. I was cynical about the whole father-daughter angst thing. I figured she just didn't talk to him because he hated one of her boyfriends in high school or something. After going through what I did, having my father kill himself in front of me, I had little sympathy for troubled relationships. I thought mine trumped them all.
I obviously didn't know Olivia that well yet. She would never be so flighty. Elliot's words shook me to my core. It explained so much. I finally understood why Olivia joined SVU, why Cragen and Elliot would watch her so closely during some cases…but what I didn't understand was how she was always so strong. I grew to respect her so much.
I know I overstepped my boundaries, digging into her mother's past and bringing the whole thing up for days on end. I just wanted to help, but the incident still plagues me, wracks me with guilt. It's just that I didn't know how to show her that I cared any other way. Now I would listen to her, or just sit with her, but back then I inadvertently bullied her. I can't forgive myself, even though I know she has.
Basically, I can't even put into words how much I love these guys. We've been through everything, absolutely everything, together. There's nothing good we can count on without each other. There's always another case, and there's always a more horrible crime, but, most importantly, there's always the knowledge that we're all in this together.
I never let anyone see my cry before joining SVU, not even Gwen. Now everyone at the one-six has seen me lose it at one time or another, and I've witnessed the same of them. That's a really powerful thing for all people, but especially for men, and especially for cops. Men aren't supposed to cry. We're supposed to be hard-asses. Cops really aren't supposed to cry. But we all have, and it's acceptable at our stationhouse. There's no way to get through otherwise.
We're a family. We care about each other more than ourselves, and despite the hardships, it's been the best ten years of my life. I'm so lucky to know people like Cragen, Fin, Melinda, Huang, Casey, Elliot, and Olivia. Liv.