I always have this feeling like I can handle tough situations better than other people. I don't think it's a narcissistic thing, even though it sounds like that at first. I don't think I'm better than the other members of the squad. Despite his crazy episodes, I don't think there's a man alive smarter than John. I think Elliot could kick anyone's ass, including, as much as I hate to admit it, mine. It'd be close, though. Cragen is the most trustworthy moral compass I can think of, and Olivia is just the most amazing all-around person I've ever met. So obviously, I don't think I'm better. I know I'm not. And that's why I want to handle the hard stuff by myself. I don't want them to have to deal with it.

I want to protect them, and especially Olivia. It's easy to feel like that since she's the only woman in SVU, and one of the only women I've ever worked with. There aren't a lot of them in narcotics.

I know all men have the choice to respect women or not, but the longer I work for SVU, the more I think that there is no middle ground. You either think of women as your property or you care about them so much that you would die, without question, to save them. I don't know why that distinction is so sharp to me now, but I really think it is. Anyway, I'm one of the guys who would do anything for a woman.

I wish more than anything that Olivia didn't have to see what she does. I wish that for all of us, but with her…she's just too special to have all this shit in her head. I don't want the world to touch her, to change her, but I know it's too late. I just wish I could do something about it.

The problem with this intense love for women is that it can come off as being chauvinistic. Maybe it is, to a certain extent. But it's not that I don't think Olivia can handle the job. Who of us really can? And she's great at it. She can get victims to open up to her when the rest of us are spinning our wheels. She can take down a perp when necessary, and she doesn't lose her cool until the situation is under control and everyone is safe. Then she falls apart, just like the rest of us.

When I first met Olivia, I'm sure my jaw was hanging open. She gets that reaction a lot. It makes Elliot so mad, people looking at her like a piece of ass. And I'm sorry I did it, but seriously, who can help it? Once I got to know her though, her outward beauty took a backseat to her beautiful heart. It sounds ridiculous and like I'm trying to write a pop song, but it's true. I love her, but not romantically. I'm glad she's with Elliot.

My heart breaks for her every time a case really gets to her. Whenever she cries, I want to do something to put that smile back on her face. It makes my day when I succeed. We don't mean to treat her like a princess, and we usually don't, but she's so important to all of us. We'd do anything for her…so if it came down to it, and I was in the position to save her life by dying, I'd do it. And I know she'd do the same for me.

When I went down in that bodega, I was so thankful it was me and not her. That's what I mean about feeling like I can take these things better. Of course, no one really takes being shot in the chest better than anyone else…it doesn't have a whole hell of a lot to do with anything but luck…but I don't want her to suffer. I would rather suffer myself. It's almost selfish, but I want her pain. All of it. Because she's too good for it.

I was mostly out of it, but I remember her trying to stop the blood, talking to me, sounding so scared. I felt a flash of guilt for making her worry about me before I was gone, passed out.

Something changed between us after that. It's a common thing when one partner goes down…you just have this bond. She tried to save me. She got my blood all over her, but she didn't care. It means more than I can put into words, which sucks because it's a powerful feeling. It's a bond everyone should experience, but it might only be possible for cops and firefighters and people like that. Everyone has business partners who mean a lot to them, but it's not at all the same.

This is going to sound crazy, but the best way I can describe the connection is like the one between a couple after seeing their baby for the first time. The whole "we made that, that's us"…it's kind of the same. I know, having experienced both. Things fell apart with my ex-wife, but we're still connected by Ken, because he's ours.

It's just this link that goes beyond words, beyond actions…it's out of this world to know that people care about you enough to risk their lives for you, and that you would do the same. It's why we're family at the one-six.

I respect Olivia so much. She makes mistakes, just like the rest of us, and I sure as hell came down on her after she talked to Ken without calling me first after he got collared, but I know she did what she thought was best. She'd do the exact same thing again, and while I don't agree with her, I admire her assuredness. In this job you have to know, without a doubt, what you think is right and wrong. She does.

I only ended up at SVU because of a series of weird coincidences, but I couldn't be happier that I'm here. The cases are so much harder to deal with than they were in narcotics, and the fact that we're all so close makes it harder sometimes. But having all of them, and having Olivia, makes my priorities in life clearer. I think everyone should have someone they are willing to die for, and because of this job I have seven. My life is worth seven times what it used to be. I'm lucky.