I didn't become a lawyer to make friends; my goal was to take down perps left and right, as many as I could, and screw the social consequences. What I didn't expect was to work with a squad of people so amazing that I could not help but become part of a family, and it would have been absolutely impossible not to be friends with them.
It's sort of ironic that my closest friend is Olivia, considering our relationship was probably the rockiest of them all at first. She pretty much despised me, and I don't really blame her. I know how I acted during that first case…overzealous, bossy, and professional to the point of being a bitch. I'm aware of my tendency to come on really strong, but I sure went overboard. It was because I was so nervous and so unsure of myself…but in any case, Olivia couldn't stand me.
You have to be pretty damn bad for Olivia not to like you. She has a place in her heart for everyone…even me, once I calmed down and we talked a few times. But it's a mark of how out of control I was at the beginning that Olivia hated me. Every time a new person joins the squad, I'm told, Olivia is the first to reach out to them. Everyone in SVU is wary of new blood, including Olivia, but she's best at putting that bitterness behind her when someone rocks the boat. Except when it came to me.
She's admitted to me that the animosity wasn't all my doing, however. She and Alex were such good friends, and Olivia was predisposed to hate whoever took her place. I understand that. I can't even imagine how they were all feeling at that point…especially Olivia and Elliot. Now that I know, along with everyone else, that Alex is alive, the whole subject is less tense. It's still painful because everyone misses her so much, but Olivia and Elliot were under an unbelievable amount of stress when they were the only ones who knew the truth.
Little by little, Olivia accepted me. We opened up to each other about some things so we understood one another better. After the tough start, Olivia was the first member of SVU that I considered to be family.
Our relationship is really like one between sisters. I had a sister until I was sixteen. We were best friends, more than sisters, but then she killed herself. I never forgave myself for it, for not doing something to stop her. I was younger, but I was more in control than her. Night after night, I would stay up with her, talking to her and trying to convince her not to do anything to herself. On good days, she would thank me for caring and tell me that she loved me, but on the bad days she'd kick me out of her room with a venomous expression and leave me to worry all night, jumping at every sound. It was on one of those nights that she finally did it. Whatever words of comfort I tried to give her in the hours leading up to it weren't enough. I let her down, and her death was my punishment.
But I got a second chance with Olivia. I got another older sister, one I could help, and one who could help me. It's such a blessing to get that back. I hadn't realized how much I missed my sister, how much I needed her, until I got another one.
The moment I realized that Olivia was my surrogate sister was right after I finished being a bitch to her one day. I do that sometimes; I just snap and lose it, not able (or willing) to rein myself in. Anyway, I was really harsh…I mean really harsh…but everything was ok. My words didn't put a wall between us, we didn't start avoiding each other and being coldly formal. Nothing changed. That's how it was with my sister. We could say the most horrible things to each other in the heat of the moment, and be completely brutally honest, and nothing ever changed. Our connection ran deeper than words and actions, and as such nothing we said or did could break us apart.
I'm so glad that my goal of being a professional didn't work out. I couldn't handle this job if I was aloof and kept myself away from the detectives. We all need each other for support. Plus, we just have fun together.
Olivia and I have a great time letting loose. We tell each other everything. When she finally slept with Elliot, I was the first person she told. I told her about the feelings I'm harboring for John, the ones I can't define but can't get rid of either.
We also cry together. I'm not one to show my emotions to just anyone, and neither is she, but I'd say she's slightly better at it than me. The point is, it takes a lot of trust on both ends to let yourself go like that, and we have it. We're more than sisters, more than friends, and we started out as nothing less than enemies. The course our relationship took was not what I expected, and the joy of having a sister is not something I ever thought I'd feel again, but I was wrong. Thank God I was wrong.