I pity all of the detectives. I have to interview pedophiles and the rest of the offenders, but I rarely see any of the horrors firsthand. I gave up on my high-minded notions of rehabilitation, and I'm a more bitter man than I used to be, but I'm not haunted daily, and nightly, by the bodies of children, of women.
Even though I hurt for all of them, I worry about Olivia the most. That might seem an odd choice…she's the one detective who almost never loses her composure. She has to be the least volatile of them all. Some of that has to do with the fact that women are just hormonally less inclined to be aggressive, but that doesn't account for everything. Even under the most extreme emotional duress, in situations that send everyone else into fits of rage, Olivia is in control of herself.
She cries, of course. They all cry. If any of them didn't, I'd wonder at their capacity for empathy. There's something about their job, however, that makes anger a more constructive response. It can be a better release than sadness. Anger can at least be turned into passion, a drive to catch more offenders and not let the same thing happen again. Sadness is just…sadness.
It scares me, how little Olivia lets her emotions show. None of them are entirely comfortable with it; I have to fight to get them to open up to me. I actually don't have to struggle with Olivia so much. She's broken down in front of me several times. That still doesn't assuage my fears, however. I'd rather see anger in her sometimes. Then I wouldn't think she was so broken.
We haven't discussed her childhood in depth, but I have enough information to know that she is far too normal considering what she went through. It mystifies me how she managed to turn into such a caring, outwardly well-adjusted woman. She should be a wreck after being physically and emotionally abused to the extent that she was.
It sounds so strange to say that her ability to handle stress is a cause of deep concern, but it is. Even after the cases that tear her apart, she is strong enough to support Elliot. Time and time again I've seen her telling him it will all be ok, listening to him, cleaning him up after he loses his temper and gets hurt in the process. Does anyone ever do the same for her? I'm sure they would, if she displayed the need, and I'm sure they have on the rare occasions that she loses it in their company, but she's so rarely on the receiving end of the comfort.
It's like she's too broken to be angry. Being angry requires more energy than she has. It's easier to sink into despair, losing a little more of yourself every day, than to fight back.
With Olivia, it really is in her eyes that you can see her soul. She's so guarded that it can be hard to see anything but your reflection when you look at her, but when she trusts you enough, you see the truth. You see the bruises her mother left on her face, you see her bones protruding out of her skin after she was abandoned outside for days on end, you see the jagged pieces of her heart. And yet, amazingly, you see hope. You see goodness. It's incredible. How does she still have hope? As broken as she is, how does she still have hope?
When I came to SVU, I received files from their unofficial psychiatrist before me, Audrey. I remember Elliot's, of course, because of his now infamous admission that he dreams about killing the offenders. Audrey noted on John's that he was incredibly sarcastic…to the point that he was impossible to talk to. She registered her worries about Don falling back into alcoholism. But Olivia's is the file that still haunts me.
Audrey said she was very articulate, very calm, and very polite. Most of the detectives were resentful of Audrey's questions and answered defensively, so Olivia's reaction stood out as abnormal. Any psychiatrist would expect reactions like Elliot's and John's, but not Olivia's. That wasn't the warning flag, however. Audrey then wrote that when she asked Olivia what she would do if she could no longer work Special Victims, Olivia was at a complete lost and actually started crying.
Olivia never had any stability in her life. She had no father, she had an abusive mother, she didn't seem to have close friends until she came to SVU. And that's the tragedy. Pondering the possibility of not working for SVU was akin to facing the complete destruction of her life. She had nothing without the job. She had no family, no friends, nothing to live for…and she saw that.
I guess that's where her hope comes from. She wants to help the victims, of course, and the noble goal of making their lives better is enough to live for. But she has more than that. She has a captain who loves her like a daughter, fellow detectives and other coworkers who love her, and, most importantly, Elliot. She's broken, but they are all helping to rebuild her. The cases tear them all apart, but every time they comfort one another, and every time they are comforted, they become a little more whole.
It will be a long process. I don't anticipate that Olivia will be fully 'healed' for many years…if she ever is. All I know is that I can see the progress she's made, and even though it still breaks my heart to see the pain when I look into her eyes, I too have hope. And sometimes it's enough to overcome my worry.