I'm constantly shocked that the turnover rate at SVU isn't astronomically higher. The average tour of duty is something like two years. We've all been with the squad so much longer than two years; with Elliot it's hardly worth counting. To put it simply, we've all been here for forever.

I don't know what made us all stick with it past the two year mark, but I know what keeps us here now. Every person is an integral part of the team, and part of the family. It's unimaginable, for me, anyway, not to work with Olivia, Elliot, Fin, and John. I can't even picture it. It's been such a long time. I know the detectives the best, of course, but even Casey and George are part of this unbreakable chain. We belong together.

That connection makes the job easier, but it also makes us do arguably stupid things.

We've all broken rules for each other…and if IAB knew, I doubt one of us would be left. Don often looks the other way when it comes to rules that he finds unimportant compared to the happiness of his team…letting Olivia and Elliot be partners even though they are in love, for example. I know Casey has bent rules to help the detectives live with themselves after particularly hard cases. Rueben Morales helped Olivia illegally hack into the mainframe of that chemical company, and I know Ryan O'Halloran has done some work for the detectives 'off-the-record'.

I'm guilty too. I've done things for all of them that I probably shouldn't have…but it's just because I care about them.

Olivia has most often been the cause of my rule-breaking, but I don't hold it against her. I agree to do things for her; she never forces my hand.

I worry about Olivia. Fin and John are best friends and they always have each other to turn to. I know Olivia and Elliot are also best friends, but Elliot has a family to worry about. He can't be there for Olivia all the time…neither can Casey. Also, Casey is younger than Olivia.

I know the history with Olivia's mother, and for that reason I try to be a sort of mentor for her. I know I'm nothing like a mother-substitute, which is probably best…but if I can provide her with any sort of guidance as an older woman, I'll gladly do it.

When Olivia was worried that she might be HIV positive after one of her old boyfriends turned up in a case, I wanted to be the one to test her. I couldn't stand the thought of her going to a clinic alone, scared, and getting the results from a random person who told hundreds of people their fates everyday…unemotionally. She needed support. She needed someone to help her through the frightening process and be there when she got the final results, whether they were good or bad. I wanted to be that someone, and I was.

The professional transgression that sticks out most in my mind is running Olivia's DNA through the kinship analysis. I never told her that I knew it was her I was checking, and I'm not sure if she ever figured it out.

I knew what she was asking me to do was illegal the second I looked at the DNA. I recognized it as hers even before it came up in the system. She, along with all of the other detectives, have their DNA and fingerprints on file. I truly don't think she expected me to figure it out…in fact she purposefully left me in the dark so I would not be held responsible if the truth came to light…but I did, and I went through with it anyway. I helped her break the law.

I don't regret it.

There aren't many injuries that shock me anymore, but there was this one case that was so violent and so horrible that I actually did have a really hard time doing the autopsy. That's an incredibly rare occurrence for me…as it should be, I guess. Anyway, Olivia happened to come in as I was clearing my head in my office, and she could tell I was upset. She asked me to get a cup of coffee with her, which I gladly did. Anything to get away from the ravaged and mutilated body of that child.

That's when I learned about Olivia's childhood. We talked about pretty much everything that day, from the job to movies to religion, and she admitted to me the abuse she endured. She told me she wanted to be a mother, and she envied me that I felt I could have a kid in spite of the horrors I see every day. She said she didn't think she could balance the job with a family. Everyone in the squad saw how hard it was for Elliot.

She said she was all alone, and she didn't have hope of that ever changing. I tried to convince her otherwise, and I assured her that all of us cared deeply for her, but I couldn't deny that her life was bleak. I could tell, even then, that she was in love with Elliot, but he was still married to Kathy. It did look pretty hopeless.

That's why I couldn't deny her my help when she was looking for her family. Part of me wanted to back out, not out of concern for my job but because I didn't want her to find any more criminals in her family and decide once and for all that her genes predisposed her to violence. That's her greatest struggle- the worry that there's a monster buried inside her, and not far beneath the surface. I didn't want to give her any proof of that, even if it did mean dooming her to be without a family for the rest of her life.

But I couldn't do it. She's a grown woman and she made her decision. I could reject her request because it was illegal, or I could uphold it because I love her.

I did the latter.

I suppose it turned out alright. I hope, anyway, that she is finally convinced that just because her parents were not great people, it doesn't mean she is equally flawed. I hope she can someday see what the rest of us do, and accept that she is a remarkable person with so many people who love her.

For her…for any of them…I'd break the law again.