I could have killed Dana when she stuck me with some New York cop who I would have to check up on and keep out of trouble. I've dealt with 'big city' cops before…they have a bravado that doesn't mesh well with undercover operations. In the FBI, you have to be able to put your true identity behind you and play whatever part necessary. The second I heard "NYPD" come out of Dana's mouth, I could picture the egotistical gunslinger who would no doubt compromise the mission.

I had such negative feelings about the whole thing that I wouldn't even let myself be impressed when Dana explained to me how this Detective Benson managed to convince so many people that she was an environmentalist, and the girlfriend of such an important guy. I readily admit that's hard to do. But I didn't allow myself to get false hope. Benson would probably still be a pain in my ass, wanting to be a big Manhattan fish in a little Oregon pond.

Well, I won't deny that Olivia Benson was a pain in my ass. I doubt she'd deny it either. She did the job we needed her for, but of course she had to go and take on the police force and then solve a rape case to boot. I wasn't kidding when I asked if she annoyed her partner as much as she annoyed me. There were times I was ready to strangle her. Somehow, she didn't seem to accept that my title and job description trumped hers.

The FBI often has problems with lesser organizations, like police forces, thinking their cases are more important than ours. They are wrong. Their cases aren't even close to being equally important. Compared to national security, a rape case is nothing.

Olivia didn't see that. Or she refused to believe it. Or she acknowledged it, but fought against it anyway. My bet is on the last option. I immediately picked her out as a 'sensitive' soul, one of those people who really believes in justice for the victims and all of that.

I'm the opposite. I was perfectly happy to forget about that girl and her rape, because it wasn't my problem. It wasn't Olivia's problem either, in my opinion, but she made it hers. She couldn't stop herself. She had to help, because she could.

After watching her win that girl's trust and close a rape case and a murder one, however, I was impressed. I finally admitted to myself that Olivia was different, and that I misjudged her. I jumped to conclusions about her because she was NYPD, and it was my loss.

I felt guilty for the heartless way I'd acted about the girl's rape. I'd never felt like that before. I mean, sure, I'm not any happier about rape than anyone…but I'd never let such an insignificant (at least in the area of national security) crime get to me before. My head was filled with terrorist plots and nothing else until Olivia bludgeoned me with her compassionate and gentle nature…an oxymoron if there ever was one, but it's the truth.

How can a woman I've known for so short a time change me more than anyone I've ever met?

I was actually sad to see her go after all of that. That's another thing that was different. You can't get attached to the people you work with because it's always short-term. You can't miss the undercover agents, or be sad when someone is reassigned. You'd constantly be upset, and then you wouldn't be worth anything.

Well, I missed Olivia. I missed someone with the guts to stand up to me. It doesn't happen much.

I was shocked to hear that she was aiding Simon Marsden months later. I couldn't imagine what had changed to make the defender of rape victims send money to a guy who jumped bail on a rape charge. I welcomed the chance to think ill of her again. My head had been filled with thoughts of Olivia Benson ever since she left, and it was distracting as hell.

When I got the truth, though, I guess I wasn't really surprised. I mean, I was shocked that he was her half-brother and all of that, but I never really thought she would help a suspected perp. Nothing could change that much. I knew there had to be mitigating circumstances. I just never imagined they would be so…complicated.

I felt so horrible for her when she told me about her father and what he did. It all finally made sense to me. Her dedication to her job, her ability to get rape victims to open up to her…it all fit. She was damaged and dealing with her own problems by fixing those of other people.

I finally got the explanation for her passion, and it only made me care about her more. I'm breaking every rule in the book, I'm sure…but I can't help it. I'm in love with Olivia Benson.

It's a good thing I don't work with her all the time. When we were dealing with Marsden and the police captain, I was so terrified for Olivia that I could hardly do my job. I should have been thinking about the case, but all I could think about was getting Olivia out of there alive. When she was almost run over by that car, I felt fear as I never had before. It was completely unprofessional, and all personal. I didn't want the woman I was working with to be ok; I wanted Olivia Benson to be ok, and I knew I would never forgive myself if she wasn't. That's not a good way for an FBI agent to think.

She never told me anything concretely, but I get the feeling Olivia and her partner are more than they appear. Part of me is jealous, but mostly, I guess, I just feel for them. If they are together, I can't imagine how much stress they are under. I worked one case with them, and the second Olivia's life was in danger I could hardly handle it. Poor Elliot. He must feel like he's having a perpetual heart attack.

If they're not together…well, I don't know. I hope I run into Olivia more in the future. She changed me for the better, so quickly, and this feeling inside me is growing stronger every day. I never expected to fall in love with anyone, much less the cop I fully expected to despise.

I guess I won't kill Dana just yet.