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１月４日木曜日
Thursday, January 4th
I called Yukimura today. I still don't know where he was yesterday.
We talked for a while about other things. I called him as it was getting later in the afternoon, and he was planning on going out to dinner with his family, so I didn't ask if we could get together. But he said he had plenty of time to talk, so we did.
I don't remember half of what we talked about. It probably wasn't worth remembering, anyway. Our conversations lately have been somewhat predictable. It's not that we've run out of things to talk about… I used to worry that we would; we spend so much time together that it almost seems more logical that it would happen. But, sure enough, every time we talk, we somehow always find just enough topics to fill up the time that we're together. It's just that what we talk about now can't exactly be called groundbreaking. By this point, we basically know everything there is to know about each other.
I actually don't mind that at all. I like being this familiar with him. About a month ago, someone asked me (I think it was Marui) if I ever get bored of talking to Yukimura. Of course I said no. I suppose I could see how some people might find such familiarity a little dull after four or five months, but I never would. For one thing, I'm not that fond of change anyway. I'm the kind of person who has a certain routine and a certain way of doing things, and I like it, so I stick to it. Also, I like knowing Yukimura so well that I can talk to him about anything, even about nothing at all. I enjoy just being with him. I find his presence very comforting.
Perhaps I can't apply those sentiments to the conversation we had today. While normally I am very satisfied talking with him about nothing, today I very much wanted to talk about something, that "something" being where he was yesterday. I was hoping that he would bring it up on his own so I wouldn't have to pry. He must have known that I called; his phone would have told him that by now, and he'd obviously checked it because he was talking to me on it. But he didn't mention anything about what he did yesterday, even when I asked him how his day went.
When I finally got frustrated enough to mention the fact that I tried to call him, he avoided the subject. I eventually asked him directly where he had been, and he seemed a little stand-offish. It wasn't very obvious… He made it a little joke, something like, "Oh, Sanada, you're so funny. You always have to know exactly where I am or you get nervous." He said it with a laugh, but I could tell he was annoyed. And he still didn't answer the question, which, frankly, annoyed me. But I didn't push. I would never want to fight with him. We've never fought before; I definitely don't want to start now over something this small.
When I hung up, though, I did start to feel a little guilty. I guess I can be nosy sometimes. But he's my boyfriend; I'm allowed to be that way with him, right? I just want to spend time with him. I love him. And I was lonely yesterday. I understand if he's busy… But can't he at least tell me what he was doing?
I'm sure I'm making this a much bigger deal than it is. It's probably nothing; probably not even worth writing about. Then again, what else do I have to write about today? I did nothing. I keep feeling like I should be doing something more productive with my time.
I'm going to go meditate for the rest of the evening. If I focus, sometimes that will pass the time quickly.
真田弦一郎
Sanada Genichiroh
…
１月４日木曜日
Thursday, January 4th
Today, unlike yesterday, I had perfectly normal (and expected) company: Kabaji came over for a visit. Actually, his birthday was yesterday, and so I had already decided to invite him to come by today, so that I could give him his birthday present. He said yes, of course… We didn't do very much while he was here, at least nothing of interest, and so I find it rather difficult to think of something worth writing about. Still, it was a pleasant way to spend the day. I'm glad that I remembered to invite him, even if people would probably say that the only reason that he came over is because he can't say no to me.
It's funny, but I don't even think of Kabaji like that, at least not anymore… It's not like he's really my personal servant. However, I do realize that the way that I often treat him must look extremely strange to other people. And I do remember the first time that I commanded an incredibly large first-year to "Carry ore-sama's tennis bag, underclassman."
But the strange thing was, after that very first time, I never told him to carry that bag again. He just did it. Every time I would turn around during a tennis tournament, he would be there carrying my bag for me. And I never once told him to follow me around like he does. He just does it. And so I found myself getting accustomed to his constant presence; it was just like having a second shadow.
Lately, though, it's been somewhat different between us… During the summer, I used to worry a little about graduating and moving on to high school, since it meant that I would be leaving him on his own for a whole year. It was almost like having a pet or something; you worry who will take care of it while you're away. And the more I thought about it, the more I realized how bizarre it was to think of him like that. I guess I just wanted to reassure myself that he would be fine without me.
Somehow or another, that led to having actual conversations with someone who is generally assumed to be incapable of multi-syllabic speech. He still doesn't talk very much, but now that I take the time to ask him questions, he really does respond with more than just the usual "Usu." It's almost as though he was following me on purpose all along, in the hope that maybe someday I would want to get to know him. And now that he does talk a little bit, I find myself constantly surprised at how observant he is. It's especially unnerving, even though it makes perfect sense, how well he knows me. I suppose that can happen if you follow someone around for almost two years straight.
For instance, I was telling him a little bit about my vacation to New York, and how I spent New Year's Eve, which wasn't much different from the way I spent it last year. But after I had finished, there was a pause, and then he actually asked me a question, which is particularly rare for him. All he said was, "Weren't you lonely?" I mean, that's such a simple question, and yet it goes right to the heart of everything I've been feeling these past few weeks. It's something no one else would ever even guess, I think, and so part of me has to wonder how he could possibly know that. Somehow, he just always knows.
Of course, I laughed it off a little at first, but I could see in his eyes that I wasn't fooling him (I never can, somehow). And so I admitted that I had been a little lonely. He didn't really say much after that, but the strange thing is that he didn't have to. I felt better just admitting it; it made me realize that it isn't unreasonable to feel that way.
Oh, and I did give him his birthday present: it was a brand new tennis racquet, the same model that he typically likes to use, but with a custom string job and a few adjustments that I thought he might like. He was pretty surprised (I think he didn't realize that I knew he only has two racquets, and he really does need a few more with his strong playing style). But I just laughed and said that he would have to use it to "keep Hiyoshi and Ootori in line." That made him smile; after all, it's really those two that are supposed to keep everyone else in line.
(I believe I already mentioned this, but yes, our coach finally went senile and decided that the club actually does need a vice captain position. Which left my disgruntled little successor a bit put out, since there were a few hints flying around that the decision had been reached because Hiyoshi didn't have my brilliant leadership qualities. Personally, I think it's a good idea to have Ootori as a vice captain, if only to keep the club from becoming a Spartan exercise in brutality during Hiyoshi's reign of terror… Of course, I'm only joking now, but half a year ago I probably would not have been.)
Anyway, I really am glad that I took the time to invite Kabaji over. It even made me forget about that strange visit from Yukimura yesterday… At least, until I noticed the ticket sitting on my desk this evening, when I sat down to write in my journal.
I have to say, I'm still completely bewildered about this whole Latin concert invitation. Yukimura didn't say much about it at all before he left; I don't even know why he had the ticket in the first place, or why he decided to give it to me, when we hardly know each other. The only thing I know is the obvious answer: Sanada must have told Yukimura that I like Latin music. But even that is rather bizarre, the more I think about it…
After all, I wouldn't expect Sanada Genichiroh to be the type of person to just chat away about people that he happened to see at a concert six months ago. At the time, I wasn't even sure that he had seen me; we never spoke to one another at all. In fact, until I mentioned it during our doubles match against the American team, I just assumed that he didn't know that I had been there. Honestly, that man is so ridiculously cold… I even recall feeling rather annoyed that he had ignored me like that. After all, how is it possible to ignore someone like me?
And people wonder why Sanada gets on my last nerve.
Honestly, I don't even care if he's determined to despise me, as long as he reacts when I take the time to grace him with my existence. I suppose that it doesn't really matter… After all, we hardly ever see each other except during tennis tournaments. But sometimes he's just so incredibly dull, with those obstinate brown eyes of his that seem like they can only stare straight ahead, that I just want to grab him by the collar and shake him around until his head spins. It's kind of like how I used to feel about Tezuka, except that I know that I would never grab Tezuka and shake him, even if they both have that same irritating tendency to drive me absolutely insane sometimes…
But I digress.
In any event, it doesn't really matter. It's not like I can do anything except play along with whatever Yukimura intended to do by giving me this ticket. I suppose I'll just have to see what happens tomorrow night, if anything even happens at all. (At this moment, I rather suspect that it will be nothing at all… But my thoughts on the subject have been changing by the hour. By tomorrow, I'll probably believe that it's some vast conspiracy again.)
Sincerely,
Atobe Keigo
跡部景吾
…
１月５日金曜日
Friday, January 5th
I went to the concert tonight. And what do you know? As fate would have it, Atobe was there.
Fate is laughing at me.
Alright, it actually wasn't such a bad thing. I ran into him—or rather, he ran into me—in the lobby of the concert hall. And I was surprised; he was actually acting pretty friendly, during the short amount of time that we talked. He still had that know-it-all smirk on his face (he always smiles like that), but other than that, he was downright amiable. In fact, I was maybe the one who came off as a little rude… When I saw him, I said, "What are you doing here?" Not the nicest thing to say to someone you haven't seen in a while. But I apologized… I think…
As I said, the conversation was short. He asked me where I was sitting, and… Come to think of it, I guess that was all. I couldn't really think of anything to say to him. Normally, I probably would have brought up something tennis-related, but since the season is over, it's kind of irrelevant. But I wouldn't know what else to talk to him about. I've suddenly realized that I don't really know anything about him, beyond tennis… I don't know what he's interested in, what he does with his spare time… any of that.
Now that I think about it, it amazes me that I know so little about him. Our interactions have been few in number, but they've never exactly been short. Once he corners me, he tends to talk my ear off. And you'd think that in all that time spent talking, he'd talk more about himself. Sure, he refers to himself (using sweeping terms that emphasize his own self-proclaimed magnificence), but he doesn't talk about himself much. I don't know… It's hard to explain. It just seems weird.
I'm a little annoyed at him, to be honest. I could have sworn he said, "See you after the concert." But then he left right away. He was only two rows behind me, but I lost sight of him almost as soon as the concert ended. I searched inside the concert hall for almost half an hour. I must have walked the entire length of the lobby twelve times. Almost everyone was gone by the time I gave up. I can't believe I wasted all that time looking for him… What a stupid waste of time.
I just don't get why he left so quickly. Did he forget or something? How hard is it to remember that you promised to meet up with someone after a concert? Was listening to the music so incredibly distracting that it completely left his mind that I was even there? I was sitting right in front of him! Well, not directly in front of him; I was a little to the side, but still… Maybe he just thought it would be amusing if he left me to look for him. I wouldn't put that past him. He seems to have this habit of antagonizing people for no reason whatsoever, and then just finding whatever excuse he can to mess with them. He needs to get a real hobby.
The concert itself was pretty good. It was much fancier than the last one I went to, not to mention the fact that I had a great seat in the third row. And it was nice, because it wasn't just musicians playing; there were dancers and singers for some of the numbers. It's always more interesting when you have something more to watch than people blowing into instruments. As much as I like the music, sometimes that nearly puts me to sleep by the end.
The dancers were amazing. I'm always impressed by people who can do that… It just looks beautiful. It also looks very difficult. I know I could never move like that… Some small part of me has sometimes wanted to try—a fact that I would never tell anyone…
I especially like watching people tango. I used to be kind of partial to samba, but I think I've changed my mind. The more I see the tango, the more I like it. It just seems more sophisticated, and more passionate, I guess. Samba is very lively, but the tango seems to express a lot more emotion.
I think most of the people I know would laugh at me for saying that… They'd say something sarcastic like, "Yes, Sanada, you know all about emotion." I guess it's true that I don't usually display my feelings, but I have them. And I can appreciate them when I see them. Sometimes I feel like people don't give me enough credit for that…
It was strange; as I was sitting there watching, another tango started playing. I didn't recognize it at first, but as I was watching the dancers, I somehow felt like I'd danced to it before. I had to stop myself, because that was ridiculous; I've never danced in my life. But then I recognized the tune. It was the same song Atobe and I had in our heads during the last part of our doubles match. I'd never seen anyone dance to it before… It was maybe the most passionate tango I've ever seen. That kind of makes sense, though… If the song didn't have that much emotion, it would have never stuck in our heads. Still, it felt a little strange to watch…
This is very obvious proof that I'm bored. I'm elaborating my feelings on dance. It's late, but I fell asleep again after lunch, and I'm really not tired right now. I should probably go to bed anyway… Even though I'll be tossing and turning for a few more hours.
Whatever. I'll tough it out.
真田弦一郎
Sanada Genichiroh
…
１月５日金曜日
Friday, January 5th
Well, this has been an extremely strange evening.
I can't even decide whether I'm amused or annoyed; all I know for sure is that I feel rather tired, despite the fact that it's only eleven thirty at night. And I'm not sure how to even begin to explain what was so strange about the concert, since there was really only one thing that was odd about it…
Sanada was there, of all people.
Of course, the first thing that occurred to me when I recognized the back of his head in the crowd was that this was some sort of twisted set-up. But I didn't give myself any time to ponder exactly what kind of set-up it could be… No, I went right up to him. I was determined to make him say at least more than two words to me, because I really wasn't in the mood to be ignored like I was at the last concert. So I figured that I would just have to catch him by surprise: I would be as nice to him as possible, even if he decided to be his usual unpleasant self. After all, I couldn't be insulted if I didn't give him the chance to insult me. And if this was some kind of practical joke that Sanada was helping to orchestrate, he certainly wouldn't be able to sneak up on me, either.
So that's exactly what I did. I walked right up to him and said, in my best "pleasantly surprised" tone, "Well, fancy seeing you here."
Of course, he recognized my voice, and he turned around and immediately demanded to know what I was doing there. It was so like his usual, boring self that I wanted to laugh… Or at least, I would have, if the sudden effect of seeing him after five months hadn't caught me a little off guard. I'm not sure what it was that made me pause; he didn't look much different, although I think he's gotten even taller since I last saw him. But there was something about him that still seemed different to me… Maybe it just felt strange to see him in something other than the blinding yellow uniform and that same ugly hat that he always wears during tennis season. (He was wearing a black overcoat over a dark green sweater, I think. It had been snowing during the afternoon, and it was pretty cold… I was wearing three layers myself and still didn't exactly enjoy the walk from my limo.)
In any case, I kept my composure without any trouble, and immediately accused him of being cold, which was generous considering the rude tone of his voice… I also proceeded to point out the obvious answer as to why I was there, since even someone as clueless as Sanada should have realized that there could be only one reason for a person to stand around waiting in the lobby of a concert hall.
But he proceeded to apologize, if in a somewhat awkward fashion, and mentioned that he hadn't expected to see me there. So I figured that I would go easy on him… Despite the fact that it struck me as rather strange that he hadn't known that I would be at the concert. Apparently, Yukimura planned the whole thing without even telling his boyfriend about it. And speaking of Yukimura, he wasn't there with Sanada, either. So the whole thing was shaping up to be even stranger than I had expected; it was like Yukimura was trying to play a sick joke on the both of us.
Well, I tried to be as pleasant to him as I possibly could; I mentioned that it had been a long time since we had last run into each other. But he hardly responded to that. I assumed that he didn't want to talk much about it, since that would have meant discussing the National Tournament, and we both have our reasons for not wanting to mention that particular event.
So I changed subjects and asked where he was sitting. I have to say, I was horribly curious as to what Yukimura had done about that. I almost worried that he had done something crazy and was going to make us sit next to each other, just to torture me. (Yes, trying to make conversation with Sanada Genichiroh and then sit next to him in silence for three hours is something at least vaguely resembling torture. He may be fairly good-looking, but the man still has the personality and eloquence of a brick wall.) Besides, how was Sanada going to deal with such a "strange coincidence"? I wasn't sure that I wanted to see his reaction when he found out. At the very least, I would have had to explain where I got the ticket…
Much to my surprise, though, we weren't sitting together at all. I was in the middle of the fifth row, but his ticket was for the third row on the left side. I admit that I relaxed a little bit… It seemed like maybe Yukimura wasn't scheming anything after all. Perhaps he had gotten a ticket for Sanada for a Christmas present and just happened to decide to get an extra one for me. (Though that still doesn't make much sense, at least not the part about buying me a ticket.)
Anyway, the seats were still pretty close together, so I mentioned that to him, in my ongoing attempt to be agreeable. But he just blinked at me, and then a horribly awkward pause ensued. I swear, I have never met someone so completely inept at being sociable as he is. I tried to think of something to say, but even I have to admit, I was at a loss for acceptable topics… What could I possibly have to talk about with someone like him, now that tennis season is over? So I finally asked if I would see him after the concert.
That was excessively friendly of me, I suppose… I didn't have any special reason to meet up with him afterwards, but it just seemed like the right thing to say at the time. And I could have sworn that he said something along the lines of "Sure," so I told him that it had been nice seeing him and left to find my seat, mostly to avoid any more of those awful pauses that he seems to enjoy so much.
The concert itself was fine, at least as far as I know. To be perfectly honest, I wasn't paying much attention to the music. It's rather difficult to concentrate on art when you're too busy pondering why you're even there in the first place, especially when you can't come up with a single plausible answer. For the life of me, I can't make any sense of the situation at all. Yukimura Seiichi bought me a ticket to the Latin music concert that his boyfriend was attending because… Because why?
Because he knows that Sanada and I don't get along very well, and he hates me personally and wants to torture me? That seems rather extreme, given that I hardly know him. Or maybe it's because he's hoping that Sanada will miss him, by giving him such undesirable company? (Though the idea of me being undesirable company is absurd, at least from my point of view, but I'm sure Sanada would disagree with that.) Maybe they're fighting somehow, or maybe Yukimura's just trying to get rid of him for an evening? Though that still doesn't explain how I got involved, and you certainly wouldn't guess from the oh-so-perfect way that Yukimura described their relationship that there could be any such problems between them.
Well, the long and the short of it is that I don't have any idea why I was there. But I certainly had a strange feeling for the entire evening, that kind of anxious, edgy sensation that you get when you're waiting for something important to happen and you aren't really sure if you want it to.
The feeling only got worse when the musicians started to play a tango piece. I just couldn't stop thinking about the time that I had to play doubles with Sanada, when we tried to synchronize with each other by thinking of the same song. I'm not even sure why I started to feel so nervous while I was thinking about it… It almost felt like something was going to happen during that particular piece, or at least if anything was ever going to happen, it would have to happen then. And suddenly I realized that it was the exact same song that we had used in our doubles match.
There were two dancers on the stage, doing a very well-choreographed tango in time with the music, and I was completely absorbed in it… The strangest thoughts kept coming into my head, like, "This is what it's really supposed to be like," or "No, we've forgotten that part after all," or "It hurts to be so close together." Looking back on it, I'm not even sure what I meant, but it didn't really matter at the time. I was just letting my thoughts run unchecked, while my eyes tried to keep up with the quick movements of the dancers' legs. And I suddenly noticed that my heart was beating faster and faster, as the music raced toward the conclusion… But then the song stopped, and nothing had happened after all. And really, what was supposed to happen, anyway? I get the most ridiculous notions sometimes. What can I possibly expect, other than the same boring silence that must follow every song?
I looked at Sanada then… He was just looking straight ahead at the stage. I don't even know why I bothered to look at him, but it was the last time that I thought to do so before concert ended, and it was also the last time that I saw him tonight.
And no, he didn't bother to meet up with me afterwards, which just goes to show how ridiculous it was to expect something to happen. After failing to locate him in the crowd of people leaving the building, I waited outside by my limousine for almost fifteen minutes before I finally gave up. Still, part of me knew all along that he wouldn't actually come, just like how nothing happened during the tango piece… Again, what did I expect to happen? Something other than that irritating silence that follows him around like a fog? It was exactly the same after our doubles match; he hardly said a word to me then, either, and just went quickly on his boring way.
It was freezing cold outside; I was still shivering when I got inside my limo. Come to think of it, I don't know why that idiot couldn't even be bothered to stay long enough to tell me that he had to leave, or whatever his reason might have been for disappearing so quickly… That seems even ruder than usual for him, when it's the least that he could have done in such cold weather. But then again, there I go, assuming that Sanada Genichiroh has any consideration for others, when I've certainly never seen any proof of such a thing.
Honestly, I still don't know why I feel so disappointed when I think about what happened tonight. I should feel relieved. Even if Yukimura was planning something by causing this little "coincidence" of his, it was either completely harmless or completely ineffective. So why should I care? It shouldn't make any difference to me. Especially not the fact that Sanada didn't stay afterwards, since I only said it in the first place to be polite. I really don't have the slightest interest in conversing with someone like him…
But then why am I asking myself, for the hundred thousandth time, if he really said that he would wait for me?
What did I expect?
Sincerely,
Atobe Keigo
跡部景吾
…
１月６日土曜日
Saturday, January 6th
Today, I went out to lunch and a movie with Yukimura. He was in a good mood today, which was nice. He asked me a lot of questions about the concert. He seemed unusually interested… Then again, the ticket was a gift; I guess it's natural for him to want to know if I enjoyed it.
I mentioned that I saw Atobe there. I probably shouldn't have done that. Yukimura asked a few polite questions, just like he'd done after everything else I'd said… "Did you talk to him?" "What did you talk about?" "Where was he sitting?" That sort of thing. But I was still a little annoyed at Atobe for leaving so quickly, and… I don't know. I guess I went on a rant. I don't understand what it is about Atobe that can set me off like that. Yukimura seemed to find it amusing somehow. It was somewhat embarrassing, the way I could tell he wanted to laugh at me… I should have just shut up. I must have sounded like an idiot.
I don't even know what I was babbling about. By the end, it didn't even have to do with the concert anymore. It's amazing how long I can talk about nothing but how arrogant Atobe is. How he treats everyone, how he thinks he knows everything, how he's so sure that he can beat anyone at tennis if he tries hard enough… Hey, Atobe, did it ever occur to you that maybe some people are just better than you? You don't have to be the best at everything, just because you happen to be the best at your snooty little private school…
Am I seriously starting again? I need to stop that.
Maybe the reason I go on rants like that is because I'm constantly having to hold my tongue when I'm talking to him. The best way to deal with people like Atobe Keigo is to just ignore them. He's just hungry for attention. (Which is ridiculous for someone like him, by the way; how much attention does one person need?) If he can't get people to agree with him, he just tries to get a reaction. The problem is that he's so incredibly persistent. No matter how long I choose not to respond, he just keeps talking… He certainly likes the sound of his own voice. I'm sure that's very convenient when your goal is simply to talk and talk until someone tells you to shut up. (I love how that amuses him.)
This all seems odd to say, since, the last time I saw him, he wasn't acting like that at all… But then again, he did leave extremely quickly for no reason that I can think of, without even bothering to keep his promise, which just proves that he thinks I'm beneath him and not worth his time.
I just wish I knew why he left.
真田弦一郎
Sanada Genichiroh
…
１月６日土曜日
Saturday, January 6th
Well, today certainly seemed to drag along at a snail's pace, especially after all the confusion of the past few days. I suppose I should be grateful; it's not like I enjoyed having absolutely no idea what was going on with that whole concert situation. But I still have to admit that it's been an incredibly boring twenty-four hours.
Boring. I've decided that I officially hate that word. It's just not my style to have to put up with silence and repetition and complacency. I'd rather be planning some ridiculously extravagant event that people will be talking about for weeks, or doing something completely outrageous that no one expects. It's like how I try to play tennis; I always aim to make it something that people who watch it will never forget (which only works when I have a particularly outstanding opponent, unfortunately).
Speaking of which, Tezuka called me today to confirm that we're meeting up tomorrow. (Dear god, the man is starting to make phone calls all by himself about things that don't concern tennis. I'm so proud.) It's nothing more than our usual get-together every few weeks or so, but it's coming at a very good time, for me at least. There are some things that I've been wanting to ask him… I'm always surprised at how observant he is, once I can actually persuade him to talk to me.
Sometimes I wonder if anyone has any idea that Atobe Keigo and Tezuka Kunimitsu have become such good friends since Nationals. Given the whole trying-to-destroy-his-arm incident, I would have to guess that no one does, but it's true all the same. It's almost funny, how Tezuka has never once held a grudge for that rather misguided action of mine. But what can I say? At least it wasn't boring. And the fact that we are friends now just goes to show that the match became something much more than I had intended for it to be.
Of course, I had once thought that it was something even more than that… I've already written about how strongly I used to feel for him. During the summer, I was convinced that I was falling for him, and looking back on it, I was pretty much obsessed. After our match, I kept calling him during his rehabilitation and pestering him about how I was going to "completely destroy" him once he was well again. But by the time he returned to Japan, I knew better… I may have acted in public like I still just wanted to beat him, but what I really told him when we finally got the chance to be alone was entirely different. But I should have known better; of course he didn't feel the same about me. It's always been that way; it's as much as I can get him to do to realize that I exist.
He let me down as gently as he could, I suppose. But it drove me absolutely crazy during Nationals, having to watch him get better and better and yet be ultimately denied the chance of a rematch, just because he was intent on avoiding me. No, I had to face his all-star rookie instead, and if that wasn't a perfect example of getting the cold shoulder from a man that I admire so deeply, I don't know what is.
But after he finally attained that all-important championship, I confronted him about the whole situation. And I'm not sure that I can even explain how it happened, but we started to become friends after that. Now we meet up every few weeks or so at a coffee shop, and we just sit for a while and talk, mostly about the people we know and what's been happening since we last saw each other. He really is a perfect person for long conversations, as long as you can get him to participate. And while it may seem like he's not actually listening at times, he always manages to prove me wrong by the things that he says in response.
Anyway, I think I'll ask him tomorrow about the whole bizarre incident with Yukimura. It's been on my mind all day long, and I still haven't been able to decide what that so-called saint was scheming. I know for a fact that Tezuka knows Yukimura better than I do, so maybe he'll have some idea of what's going on.
In the meantime, I've had that same stupid tango piece stuck in my head all day long. It's starting to drive me insane.
Sincerely,
Atobe Keigo
跡部景吾
…
１月７日日曜日
Sunday, January 7th
School starts again tomorrow, so most of today was spent preparing for that. I had a few homework assignments to finish up. Also, my brother left to go back to college today. We all helped him pack, and we went to the train station with him to say goodbye.
Holidays like New Year's make you realize how much you miss someone. A week didn't seem long enough to catch up with my brother. But then again, I never know what to talk about with him. Sure, he used to live here, but I didn't really talk to him much then either. He's five and a half years older than me. When you're little, it's hard to talk to someone who's that much older than you, even if he is your brother. And I've never been very good at conversation anyway.
Sometimes I wonder if he and I have anything in common at all. We both study kendo, of course, but for him, that's all there is. He's told me before that he doesn't understand why I play tennis. That's a funny thing to say to the person who was listed as the top tennis player in junior high last year. I told him that, too. We were sparring at the time and he responded by beating me within the next ten seconds. (I think he enjoys putting me in place.) It's strange, though; sometimes I think we understand each other best when we practice together like that.
I went out for a run this morning. It was so cold that my breath felt a little painful in my throat. But part of me likes it when it's this cold. Especially when there's snow on the ground; it's so beautiful. And even though running gets more difficult as the air gets colder, the chill is refreshing when you start sweating, and it's almost rewarding somehow to see your own breath when your breathing gets harder.
I didn't train enough during break. But I'm sure I'll get back into it tomorrow, when I get back into my regular schedule. It's become such a part of my routine: I get up, go to school, do some training, go home, eat dinner, study, then go to bed.
Studying… I should probably start concentrating more on that. Entrance exams are in March. I'm sure I'll do fine, but I will need to study hard to make sure I stay at Rikkai for high school.
I should go to bed. Finally, I have to get up tomorrow.
真田弦一郎
Sanada Genichiroh
…
１月７日日曜日
Sunday, January 7th
Today's conversation with Tezuka was actually rather interesting, even apart from my side of the discussion (which isn't always the case). Of course, I arrived at the coffee shop right on time, and he was already there sitting at our usual table. He's always like that; he's never late to anything and is almost always at least ten minutes early. And I have to admit, in that brief instant when I first saw him, my heart skipped a beat like it always does.
Most of the time, I feel completely at ease when I'm with him, as though we've never been anything but good friends who happen to have a lot in common. It's almost like I've completely forgotten about the way I used to feel about him, as if it never even happened. But whenever I haven't seen him for a little while, there's always a split second where all the old excitement comes back in a rush, and my heart skips a beat. And then it's gone, just like that. It really is incredible, just how fickle a person's feelings can be. You would think it would take more than that to bring back something that has already been completely shattered, no matter how powerful the longing used to be.
Anyway, I made a point of greeting him with my usual tongue-in-cheek salutation: "Why, hello, Tezuka. You're looking absolutely lovely today."
(I really can't resist doing that… It's absurd, of course, and always results in him giving me such a strange look that I just have to laugh. He's even gotten into the habit of raising an eyebrow and replying, "You too, Atobe." I have to provoke him into using that ironic sense of humor of his at least occasionally; he would be quite charming if he would just do it more often.)
We talked for a little while about school, and the fact that the high school entrance exams are coming up. And we briefly discussed how our tennis teams seem to be doing without us, which is usually one of our main topics of conversation. I have to say, it sounds like Seigaku is in pretty good shape for the coming season. That Momoshiro individual was elected as captain, and he'll certainly be more approachable than Tezuka was, if nothing else. And of course, any team would do well to have that monster Echizen Ryoma on it; Tezuka tells me that he's already shot up three inches in the past few months and is starting to get so good that it even scares him. I'm not sure that I even want to think about the implications of that statement.
And then he told me something rather unexpected: Fuji Shusuke has apparently started going out with Kawamura Takashi (yes, that same powerhouse that actually injured Kabaji, a fact that never fails to disturb me). Well, I must say I was taken aback by this, and my first thought was the same thing that I finally asked him: "Is he doing it to make you jealous?"
While I can almost never get Tezuka to talk about his love life (or rather, lack of a love life, since he says that he's not interested in having one), I do know that Fuji Shusuke confessed to having feelings for him at the end of the summer. Again, Tezuka let him down gently after his confession, which surprised me a little when he told me about it later. I had just assumed that Tezuka must have had feelings for someone else, if he was so careful about rejecting me, and he's seen with Fuji so often that it seemed like perhaps there was something going on between them.
But Tezuka always insists that he doesn't have feelings for anyone. I'm not so sure about that… Lately, a few things that he's told me have made me think that perhaps even the invincible Tezuka Kunimitsu has come to realize how lonely it can be to always rely on no one but yourself. At the very least, I think he's starting to reconsider the idea of having someone special in his life. And while I know that will never be me, I'm almost anxious to see what kind of person he would choose… It seems like no one could possibly be remarkable enough to be any kind of a match for him.
In any case, Tezuka went on to say that he didn't think Fuji's behavior was out of jealousy, but that he actually seems to have moved on and found someone else. He seemed genuinely glad about it, too. I know how much he cares about his former teammates, even though he always seems so cold on the outside. So I think that he must have been relieved that Fuji had finally gotten over him.
We talked about other people's relationships for a while… It seems like almost everyone we know has a significant other, except for us. For example, the Golden Pair is considered an item now, and Shishido and Ootori are one as well, though it almost seems like both of those go without saying. (I'm starting to think the reason that Tezuka and I are so relationally deprived is because neither of us can play doubles worth a cent.) And then Tezuka just happened to mention the strangest thing…
The day before Christmas, he happened to see Yukimura and Sanada walking around the Shibuya shopping district together.
Well, that piece of news in and of itself wasn't strange; we've both known about their relationship for months. (Tezuka even mentioned that they were holding hands… I just had to roll my eyes at that. Really, how disgustingly perfect of them.) But I did tell him that it was the strangest coincidence that he should mention Yukimura and Sanada, of all people. And then I explained to him everything that had happened in the past few days, with the ticket and the Latin music concert and all the rest of it.
Oddly enough, he seemed genuinely surprised; he isn't normally engaged enough in our conversations to look that startled. (Though Tezuka's "surprised" expression is about the equivalent of my "mildly perplexed" one.) Unfortunately, he didn't seem to have any more of an idea than I did as to what it meant. I asked him if he thought that Yukimura might be plotting something, but all he said was, "That's impossible to know for sure."
Needless to say, that really cleared the situation up. (Excuse my sarcasm.) Sometimes I just wish that I could get my head around the strangely ambiguous terms that those two are on… I know that Tezuka has had more contact with Yukimura than I have, mostly because of all the tennis tournaments they were in when they were younger. But at the same time, I can't understand what their relationship with each other really is. They seem to be more than just acquaintances, but it's certainly not a deep friendship, and there's some kind of a rivalry there as well. I never did see the last round at Nationals, but I imagine that it must have been a sight well worth seeing, to watch those two outstanding captains lead their teams through those final matches.
Anyway, I asked Tezuka what exactly he meant by that. But he just shook his head and replied, "If it has anything to do with Yukimura, you're only going to know exactly what he wants you to know, when he wants you to know it."
I couldn't help pointing out that he was being of absolutely no help whatsoever, and proceeded to mention a few of my theories on the subject. (Maybe he was fighting with Sanada, maybe he wants me to suffer for no apparent reason…) But Tezuka interrupted me and said that he didn't think it was anything like that. And then he was extremely quiet for the rest of our conversation. It was rather strange, now that I think about it. I didn't expect that it would spark his interest that much.
Well, maybe he'll be able to come up with some sort of answer for me, because I truly don't have the slightest idea what Yukimura could be up to, if it wasn't "anything like that." In any case, it's past midnight already, and I really should be getting to bed now. Fortunately, school doesn't start until Tuesday at Hyotei (probably to give all of us ridiculously rich kids time to make it home on our private jets, should we be on vacation overseas).
Sincerely,
Atobe Keigo
跡部景吾