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１月８日月曜日
Monday, January 8th
About five days ago, I was wondering why I hadn't been hearing from Atobe. I think I jinxed myself, because now it seems like I can't get away from him again.
Today I walked out of school like normal, and I heard someone clear their throat behind me. I wasn't expecting anyone, so of course I just kept walking, assuming that the noise wasn't meant for me. But then I heard my name, so I turned around, and there was Atobe. At my school. Of course I asked what he was doing there. So he called me rude and threatened to leave. Just because I was a little surprised to see him, he was going to turn around and go all the way back to Tokyo and waste his entire trip. What a drama queen.
I took a deep breath, apologized, and asked again as politely as I could why he was there. He didn't really give me a good answer—he started babbling something about how Hyotei doesn't start school again until tomorrow (lucky him), and implied that he might have been in the area for some other reason, but didn't really say so. I don't think he was really in the area; I think he just wanted to make me feel stupid for not thinking of that. So I still don't know why he was there.
And then he starts in whining about the concert—how he thought we were going to meet up afterwards, how he waited for fifteen minutes (oh, such a long time) for me outside by his limo. So at least now I know that I hadn't gone crazy; he did say "see you afterwards." But honestly, who would wait outside for someone in the dead of winter? Wasn't he freezing? And besides, why would you walk that far when someone is looking for you? Shouldn't you just stay in one place and wait for them to find you? He probably felt he had to get away from all the "dirty commonfolk," or something.
Anyway, I tried to point some of those things out, and I told him that I looked for him twice as long as he'd been waiting. But he cut me off, saying something like, "Calm down; I forgive you. I thought that your absence was the result of your negative attitude, but apparently it was because you're incapable of thinking logically."
Needless to say, I was not happy.
And then he turns to leave. So not only did he turn a simple misunderstanding into a blatant insult, but he also felt the need to get in the last word. I hate how he always does that. And then he acts like he automatically wins the argument just because he walks away after one of his snappy comebacks. Someone needs to tell him that he's not always right, like he so obviously thinks he is. So I finally decided that I wasn't going to hold my tongue this time. I was all ready to yell at him, but then the strangest thing happened—I forgot what I was going to say. And you'll never guess why.
It was his hair.
That's a stupid thing, right? I noticed that his hair had grown back, so I forgot what I was going to say. I stopped mid-yelling, and he turned and asked me what was the matter. When I told him, for once I think he really didn't know what to say.
I can't blame him. It's kind of hard to explain why I noticed at all, or why it mattered enough to make me stop mid-sentence. It was kind of a comfort, I guess, to see his hair looking like it had never been cut in the first place. I've said before that I want to forget about all the bad things that happened last year. It's not like I particularly cared that Echizen Ryoma cut Atobe's hair, but it was one of those things that seemed unsettling at the time. During the rest of the tournament, whenever I saw Atobe, I was reminded of the way it felt when Echizen beat me the first time. In some weird way, it was kind of the same… I mean, Echizen didn't cut my hair or anything—I wouldn't have really cared if he had anyway—but he took something else important from me: my chance to keep my promise to Yukimura. It was just as humiliating to have to stand up there alone and receive a silver medal (and then, later, to have to present that to Yukimura) as it must have been for Atobe to have his hair cut. Maybe it wasn't completely the same, but I still thought of those feelings whenever I saw Atobe's less-than-perfect new hairstyle. And later, of course, the thought of his hair still looking like that reminded me of the fiasco that was the rest of the National tournament. It made me feel better today when I realized that his hair looked like it did before any of that happened.
I told him that it looked good—exactly the way it was before. I knew it was kind of an awkward compliment, so I was going to leave, but then he asked me, "How do you do that?"
What kind of a question is that? I'm still trying to figure out what he meant. I didn't do anything... I just gave him a compliment, right? It was hardly a compliment. What was he talking about? I asked him, "Do what?" But he didn't answer. He said "never mind," and then, "See you around." I said the same, and he just left.
I can't figure him out.
In other news, school was good. It was nice to see everyone again, and get back into the swing of things. School is winding down now, and it's much easier when I don't have to focus on tennis. I've offered to help with some of the practices for the underclassmen, but they said they'll only need me maybe once or twice a week. So my afternoons have opened up considerably, and I have plenty of time to study.
Other than that, there's not really anything going on. I've finished studying for tonight; now it's time for bed.
真田弦一郎
Sanada Genichiroh
…
１月８日月曜日
Monday, January 8th
I'm not sure whether I should be proud or annoyed with myself, but I finally took matters into my own capable hands regarding the whole concert incident. Or rather, that's what I intended to do, but what I actually ended up accomplishing today was quite different and only served to confuse me even further. I had originally planned to spend the day alone in the house, but after a few hours of driving myself insane with my own disordered thoughts about that particular evening, I finally decided to do something about it. So I had my limousine prepared and ordered the driver to take me to Rikkaidai.
My first thought was to try to find Yukimura and demand an explanation from him regarding the ticket that he gave me. And since I didn't really want to create a commotion, I had the driver park a block away and simply walked the extra distance by myself. (I find that driving a limo up to a school other than my own tends to result in chaos; at Hyotei, it just serves to announce my arrival.)
But as I stood outside the school waiting for him to come out, I started to think over what had happened at the concert itself. And the more I thought about it, the more I couldn't get the last part of the evening out of my mind… I kept remembering how cold it was outside, and how annoying it felt to have to stand there waiting for fifteen minutes for a certain socially inept individual, who couldn't even be bothered to stay long enough to say two words to me, when I could have sworn that we agreed to meet after the concert was over…
To be perfectly honest, I'm not even sure why I was so annoyed about it all of a sudden. But I decided that if I did happen to catch a glimpse of that idiot, I was going to give him a lecture on the importance of social etiquette.
Naturally, it just so happened that Sanada was one of the first people that I saw walking out of the building. And simply seeing him was enough to make me grit my teeth in frustration; it was another one of those moments when the only thing that I wanted was to reach out and shake him as hard as I could, just to see if he would even respond.
In any case, I cleared my throat as he walked by, assuming that such a sound would get his attention. Of course, it didn't, and I found myself actually having to call out his name, which was irritating enough. And then what was the first thing out of his mouth, in that obnoxiously abrupt tone he's always using? "What are you doing here?" I swear, if he ever says that to me again, as though it's some kind of acceptable way to greet me, I am going to strangle him.
So I proceeded to inform him of how incredibly rude that was, and I added that I might as well just turn around and go home, if he was going to be like that. To my surprise, he actually apologized, even if it was dismally brief. And he asked again why I was there, which was somewhat reasonable, I suppose, since he was obviously assuming that I should have been in school.
Well, I couldn't exactly say, "I'm here because your boyfriend is plotting something extremely mysterious, and probably evil, behind your back," so I figured that I would launch into my lecture about his lack of manners instead. I explained that school didn't start at Hyotei until tomorrow, and managed to gloss over the fact that it didn't actually make sense that I would be so far from home, even on my day off. And then I finally started in on my lecture: "I was curiousto know where you went in such a hurry after the concert Friday night. You gave ore-sama the false impression that we would meet up afterwards, and ore-sama waited for nearly fifteen minutes…"
Much to my surprise, he interrupted me, sounding almost angry. And he said that he looked for me for more than half an hour, which came as an absolute shock to me, since that would have been the last thing I would have expected as a reply. He then demanded to know where I had been. Needless to say, I was a little indignant by this point, since I had waited more than long enough for him to reasonably locate me…
Come to find out, he didn't even think to look outside. He had spent over half an hour looking inside the building, when I had been by my limousine the whole time. And when I told him this, he actually had the grace to blush a little while he was mumbling an excuse, although I'm sure that he was hoping I didn't notice. So I finally resolved to go easy on him; after all, I'm a perfectly fair person and don't hold needless grudges.
So I took a deep breath (I'm not sure why I had gotten so worked up over such a silly thing), and told him to relax, since I was feeling generous enough to forgive him. Still, I couldn't resist adding a touch of sarcasm to my otherwise merciful concession: "I thought that your actions were a result of your cold and negative disposition. I didn't realize it was because you were incapable of thinking logically."
And then I turned on my heels and started to walk away. (By that point, I didn't even have the patience to wait for Yukimura, who would doubtless have been even more difficult to deal with than Sanada was.) But I still anticipated some kind of parting shot from him, so I prepared myself to get the last word, which I always do. And at first, he sounded like he was going to try to retort, but then he stopped himself and just let out a kind of clumsy, "Oh…"
Needless to say, I was somewhat surprised, so I turned around to ask what his problem was. But all he said was, "Your hair… It grew back."
Well, just like that, all the horrible memories from Nationals came flooding back into my mind. I managed to keep my composure, but I have to admit I was taken aback. To be honest, I was almost in shock that Sanada had noticed such a "trivial" detail, especially about something like another person's hair. And I felt myself running my fingers through it, almost like I was trying to make sure that it was still the same… Of course, it was exactly the same length that I had seen in the mirror that morning. So I finally affirmed his observation, feeling almost embarrassed at my own discomfort.
And then I suppose that he started trying to explain why he had said it; he started talking about how the "last time I saw you, well, not the last time, but the time before…" But I knew exactly what he meant. He didn't have to tell me, not when it concerned the single worst thing that happened to me during all of last year.
I could never forget that idiotic bet that I made with Seigaku's apparently invincible freshman; it has been my greatest cause for embarrassment to date, and I can make myself furious just thinking about it. I suppose that I should have submitted to my fate with some sort of fake arrogance, and pretend that the bizarre way that the brat cut my hair was just my way of starting a new hairstyle trend. (It actually did start a trend, too, even without my usual bragging; dozens of my classmates still have that haircut. I'm not really sure why, unless it was to attract some of my female followers, who all tried to insist that it made me look "cool.")
But the truth is that every time that I looked into the mirror and saw that on my head, I felt so angry that I wanted to break the damn glass. And for someone who always used to enjoy looking at himself, I don't even have to explain how miserable that was. Honestly, I wasn't even very angry with that cocky Echizen kid; his behavior may not have been exactly admirable, but I had allowed it to happen by provoking him. No, the only person that I was truly angry with was myself… How could I be so incompetent as to lose in such a humiliating manner, and in the plain sight of so many people that I respected and even cared about? And what's more, why did I have to insist upon losing in a way that everyone would have to notice my defeat, even those who had not actually seen it?
But no matter how much I would rage against my reflection in the mirror, I couldn't change what I had lost. And so I resolved to let my hair grow back, every inch of it, and let that decision be my way of forgetting the past and all its failures. I will never go back to that time, those days of losing myself in that half-crazed passion that always urged me to make the most reckless declarations of my own omnipotence. Very few people know it, but I am not that same man anymore, and I will not allow myself to dwell on my worst mistakes any longer. I may not look any different, but I have finally come to realize that I am not invincible, and I refuse to play the villain. Instead, I will strive to become the kind of person who is worthy of genuine admiration, even in my moments of greatest weakness. And yes, it was through coming to know Tezuka Kunimitsu as a friend that I finally came to this resolution.
Well, of course Sanada couldn't possibly know about all of this. The most he had seen of my embarrassing haircut was on my last day at Nationals, while I was leaving the tournament grounds. And so he was still busy trying to explain what he was talking about. But I already understood, and so I interrupted his fumbling by telling him that I knew exactly what he meant, and that it had looked awful and that I wanted to forget about it.
And then the strangest thing happened. He pointed out that my hair looked exactly like it did before, which is true. And then he said that it looked "good."
Sanada Genichiroh gave me a compliment.
He turned to leave, and I suddenly got the strangest feeling, as I stood there and realized exactly what he had just said. It was almost like a kind of flutter somewhere inside my chest, a bit uncomfortable but not quite unpleasant… And I stood there watching as he started to walk away, and then I found myself blurting out of nowhere, "How do you do that?"
Of course, he didn't know what I was talking about; he just looked back at me with a strange expression on his face. And the truth is that I didn't even know what I was talking about. So I just said, "Never mind," and there was another one of those awkward pauses again. (I really do hate that.) I didn't know what else to say, so I just added rather awkwardly, "I suppose I'll see you around?"
Come to think of it, I don't even know what I meant by that. We live in completely different cities; there's no reason to think that I would see him again until tennis season starts. But he didn't seem to think much of it; he just agreed and went on his way. And it's almost comical, how he's always like that… He just walks confidently along, one determined step at a time, with those piercing eyes that always stare straight ahead…
And now, as I read back over this entry, I'm really starting to wonder what's wrong with me. After all, I, Atobe Keigo, went out of my way on the last day of vacation to get to the bottom of a frustratingly bizarre scheme that I certainly don't want to be a part of. But I never even talked to the person responsible for it, and I didn't get a single answer to any of my questions. Instead, I had a completely inarticulate discussion with a man who has the personality of slow-drying cement, and I now find myself unable to stop thinking about the fact that the slow-drying cement actually said something rather nice to me, for once in his incredibly dull life. This doesn't make any sense at all, and that's putting it mildly… I could care less what Sanada Genichiroh thinks, and I certainly have no desire to see him any sooner than I absolutely have to…
I must be losing my mind.
In any case, I need to stop writing, losing my mind or not. It's eleven o'clock and tomorrow is finally a school day, so I really do need to get some rest. It just won't do to have those unsightly dark circles under my eyes, simply because I was spending too much time thinking about slow-drying cement, of all the pointless things that I could be wasting time thinking about…
And I swear, if that stupid tango music does not stop playing in my head over and over again, like a broken record from hell, I'm going to have to smash something horribly expensive and blame it on one of the maids.
Sincerely,
Atobe Keigo
跡部景吾
…
１月９日火曜日
Tuesday, January 9th
My grandfather and I resumed my weekly kendo lessons today. He said that I seemed less focused than usual. I wonder why.
Grandfather is a little strange sometimes. A perfect example of this is the fact that we took a break from lessons in the first place. I used to ask him every year why he wanted to skip two whole lessons—the last Tuesday of the year and the first Tuesday of the new one. He would always respond by smiling, putting his hand on my shoulder, and telling me that I needed to relax. It always seemed to me that such a sentiment was contrary to the concept of discipline, which is central to the martial arts. I guess now I see why my brother went to study kendo at the University of Tokyo; Grandfather is quite a master, but sometimes his perspective strays a bit from the traditional.
Father says that Grandfather never used to be like that. My brother tells me the same. Supposedly Grandfather was at one time even stricter than my father, which is kind of hard to believe. But I do think I remember it being something like that. It's just that I was very small when Grandmother died… That's when everything started to change. I remember a period of time when I didn't see much of my grandfather; he was usually in his room with the doors closed. My parents said he was sick. A year or so later, though, I remember sitting in the garden in the spring, and he sat down beside me. He started talking about how beautiful the cherry blossoms looked, just before they had completely bloomed. I was just surprised to see him outside. I asked him how he was feeling. He smiled at me and said, "Much better." I wanted to make sure, so I asked him if he was positive. He just laughed and said yes. Then he put his arms around me and said, "Besides, I didn't want to miss the cherry blossoms blooming."
Looking back, I'm starting to wonder if he was really talking about the cherry blossoms. When he said that, it seemed more like he was talking about me.
Since then, he's been a different person. He smiles all the time, and he takes everything at a much slower pace. It seems like he has a greater appreciation of life. The rest of my family just thinks he's odd. I say the same thing, but sometimes I think I might be a little jealous because I don't understand. It seems like he has no sense of purpose anymore. I don't think it should be that way; if I were him, I would take on more students like he used to. If not that, I'd at least live for the one student that I had. But I can tell that he'd be just as happy even if he wasn't teaching me. It almost seems like he doesn't want to have a purpose anymore. And he's happy with that. That's what I don't understand. I think I'd go crazy if I didn't have something specific to dedicate my time to.
Still, I can't help feeling like he knows something I don't. Like he isn't just senile, like my dad sometimes jokes.
Maybe I'll figure it out by the time I'm his age.
e
真田弦一郎
Sanada Genichiroh
…
１月９日火曜日
Tuesday, January 9th
You would think that I would have something interesting to write about today, since school has finally started and I'm no longer spending all of my time trying to distract myself from my own boredom. But it was such an ordinary day that I find myself struggling to find something about it that could be important enough to mention here. Of course, the usual swarm of girls mobbed me as soon as I got out of the limousine this morning, but I'm used to that. And all of my classes were a complete bore, which is to be expected.
I suppose I had a mildly interesting lunch hour, though. At the very least, it was more enjoyable than the rest of my day. Since I really didn't feel like dealing with the smothering affections of my fan club during lunchtime (a feeling that I've been experiencing more and more frequently), I decided to duck into the music room while they were still busy looking for me. And sure enough, there were all my former teammates, sitting and eating lunch.
I'm not even sure when it started, but somehow, we've all gotten into the habit of eating lunch in the music room. Our coach doesn't seem to mind, since he's usually in his office during lunch period. And it's actually rather peaceful, especially compared to most of the other classrooms. Come to think of it, I think the whole thing might have started with Shishido and Ootori… Ootori used to spend some of his lunch hour practicing on the piano, and naturally his loyal puppy dog had to tag along with him. (Shishido is officially going to kill me if he ever reads this.)
Anyway, by the time that I had made my grand escape, I realized that I had completely forgotten to grab my lunch. I think it must have shown on my face, at least a little, because when I turned to go back out into the hallway, Kabaji called out after me. (Like I said, he really does talk more than he used to.) And I looked at him, and just like that, I knew what he was going to say. So I quickly asked, "Are you sure you don't mind?" Of course, all he said in reply was, "Usu."
Well, by that point, my other teammates were all confused, at least until Kabaji handed me part of his bento box and a pair of chopsticks. (Sometimes I think Kabaji always tries to be prepared to share his lunch with someone… He always has an enormous amount of food and extra chopsticks. Come to think of it, I think that's Jiroh's fault, since he has a rather amusing habit of forgetting to bring his lunch. Kabaji's mother is an excellent cook, though, so I can't say I mind.)
Anyway, Shishido made some pointless remark, like, "What, do you two have ESP or something now?" And Oshitari immediately jumped into the fray by saying something to the effect of, "You know, Shishido, of all people, you really shouldn't be talking."
Of course, the rest of us knew what he meant, but Shishido and Ootori were both completely clueless. So Oshitari explained at length, and the conversation degenerated into which two people had the most uncanny ability to read each other's minds. Naturally, Shishido and Ootori were the prime candidates, since they've even gotten in the habit of finishing each other's sentences lately. (Which is really just so cute that I usually have to roll my eyes when it happens.) But as I pointed out, Oshitari and Gakuto also have an inordinate amount of inside jokes and a way of knowing what the other is talking about before the rest of us can catch their meaning.
And as they were sitting there arguing about whether it was creepier to finish each other's sentences or to have a thousand inside jokes that don't even make sense, I found myself wondering what that must be like. I may be able to catch what some of my friends are about to say before they actually say it, but it isn't because I know them all that well… It's just because I can figure out what they're probably going to say by making logical assumptions.
So what is it like to know someone so well that you can actually read their mind? I found myself wishing that I knew. And of course, that made me think about how maybe it had something to do with how they're all official couples now, which made me think of the whole boyfriend issue, and then I found myself getting slightly depressed again… But then Jiroh made some sort of unrelated comment that made everyone laugh, and I forgot all about it.
But now, as I sit here remembering the conversation, I can't help but realize that I've never had anyone like that. If anything, the reason that people usually start to interest me is because I can't predict their actions. Tezuka first intrigued me because I found that I couldn't read him at all. And Yukimura is like that, though in a much more disconcerting way… And come to think of it, so is Sanada sometimes.
Like yesterday, for example… I still can't get what he said to me off my mind, mostly because I can't understand why he said it in the first place. Of course, I can kind of understand why he noticed; his last memory of me over the summer was probably how strange I looked with that odd haircut. But Sanada is definitely not the type of person to just blurt something out like that, and the more I think back on the conversation, the more it confuses me. The way he said it, he was even making it sound like it was important, somehow… Maybe that's just how he talks. Besides, why would Sanada Genichiroh, of all people, care about the state of my haircut? It just doesn't make sense.
And that's not even mentioning the fact that he actually gave me a compliment about it. After all, why should he care if my hair looks "good"? He can't possibly care, and that's exactly why it doesn't make any sense. It's not like Sanada is the type of person who likes unnecessary chatter. And up until yesterday, I can't recall him ever saying something nice to me… I can only assume that he considers compliments to be a frivolous waste of his obviously scant word supply.
Maybe that's why I still find myself thinking about it, over twenty-four hours later, when the last thing I should be thinking about is some random thing that Sanada Genichiroh said to me… Come to think of it, perhaps there's something intelligent about hardly ever giving out compliments. It certainly would make the few that you do give impossible to forget.
Well, it doesn't matter. I'm sure he's already forgotten all about it, and I'm certainly not going to waste my valuable time by thinking about it anymore.
Sincerely,
Atobe Keigo
跡部景吾
…
１月１０日水曜日
Wednesday, January 10th
Not much happened today. School was boring. I helped with tennis practice for a few hours and then went home.
I thought about what Grandfather said yesterday. I even asked Mother about it—I've always found her really easy to talk to, though I'm not sure why that is. What she said kind of surprised me. She said that my brother started to have the same problem just before he started high school; Grandfather would frequently tell him that he had lost some of his focus. Mother assured me (with a pat on the back) that it was just part of being my age.
I guess it makes sense. I mean, there's a long list of things I'm going through that could be potentially distracting. A perfect example is my relationship with Yukimura. I have very strong feelings for him and I'm constantly thinking about him. That can't come without some loss of focus.
As I read over those last two sentences again, I suddenly feel a slight pang of guilt. Of course, I can only admit this here in my journal, knowing that no one will read it… It's because of the phrase "constantly thinking about him." Because, I guess, I don't.
I know it's ridiculous to think about him all the time… But I used to; at least, more so than I do now. And I don't know why that is. I know that eventually in every relationship, the "magic" is supposed to wear off. I've never quite understood what that was supposed to mean, but maybe that's all that's happened.
I wonder if the same thing has happened to him. I've always wondered things like that, I guess… How often does he think of me? When he does, what exactly does he think about? Does he ever have dreams about me? Does he love me as much as I love him?
Those are the kind of questions you can't actually ask, even to your boyfriend.
There are a lot of things I'd like to ask him, if I felt like I could. I've said before that I think I know everything about him, but sometimes I feel like I don't. It's probably impossible to know everything about someone, though. I'll never know what exactly he's thinking at every given moment in time, just as he won't always know what I'm thinking. But sometimes I wish I could read his mind. There are times when I look at him that I notice that his deep blue eyes, though pointed in my direction, aren't really looking at me, but somewhere sort of beyond me… I always wonder what he's thinking about at those moments, when he stares into space like that. Sometimes I ask, and sometimes he'll tell me, but sometimes he smiles and says, "Nothing," and wants me to leave it at that. And I do. But is it so wrong to hope that he's thinking about me?
The more that I think about it, the more impossible it seems. If he thinks of me in those moments, then why isn't he really looking at me? Like I said, it always seems like his focus is farther away… It's almost depressing to think about. I wish he were thinking of me.
I think I'll make a point of it to think of Yukimura more often. I'm sure he wishes that I thought of him constantly, much like I wish the same of him. And he deserves at least that much from me.
Time to go to sleep.
真田弦一郎
Sanada Genichiroh
…
１月１０日水曜日
Wednesday, January 10th
School is officially nothing but one gigantic bore. Of course, I always expect for all of my classes to be ridiculously easy, but ever since we've entered the final stretch before the entrance exams, it seems like our teachers are being even more easygoing than usual. (I suppose it's to keep my peers from having too many stress-related heart attacks, since most of them are spending so much time in cram school.) Not to mention that my extracurricular schedule has also freed up considerably, since I don't have an entire tennis club to keep an eye on. And I've already retired from the student council, so I don't have a single reason to stay after school anymore.
Ironically, this means that lunch period is the most interesting part of my day. I wonder if it would amuse my former teammates to know that. (Probably, since I think most of them imagine that I must lead some kind of incredibly glamorous life, just because my house is the size of a small town. Oddly enough, it has been my experience that being rich makes you even more prone to boredom than the rest of humanity.)
In any case, I remembered to bring my lunch today, which was fortunate because Jiroh forgot his lunch again. (Sometimes I think that he would forget his vital organs if that were possible.) Most of our conversation was rather trivial, but then again, I suppose that our lunchtime discussions are never particularly meaningful. We spent a little time talking about the things that we had done over our vacation, though, mostly because Jiroh suddenly remembered to ask me how my trip to New York had been.
It was almost strange; I should have had the most to talk about, since I was the only one who had gone out of town during the break. But the rest of them were so much more animated when they talked about what they had been doing. Of course, Shishido and Ootori probably spent every waking hour together (or at least it seemed like it, given the way they seemed to know everything that the other had done). And then it seemed like Oshitari and Gakuto had been together a great deal, certainly more than I would have expected, given that they had been fighting so much during the fall.
And then, much to my surprise, I found out that they had all gone out together while I was away. Apparently, they just randomly decided to go out to a karaoke bar a few days before New Year's Eve. I have to admit, I'm almost shocked that they were being such socialites. (Normally, I'm the one who has to organize such things, usually with a great deal of kicking and screaming on the part of certain individuals.) And then they all started teasing each other about their singing. Jiroh even poked Hiyoshi and commented on something about some "crazy rap song" that I didn't really catch. And Hiyoshi actually laughed, of all things, and said something like, "You're one to talk, Jiroh-senpai. You tried to rap in English. Enough said."
And Jiroh started whining about how mean that was, and Shishido was mimicking some strange dance move, which was making Gakuto give him his patented glare of death. And Oshitari was patting him on the head and saying something about, "Relax, Gakuto, you made a wonderful pop princess," which of course made Gakuto start smacking him on the arm, and Ootori was just laughing, in that cheerful way of his…
And suddenly, I felt completely invisible.
That's ridiculous, of course… After all, there's no reason why they can't get together without me. In fact, I'd feel badly if they didn't, since I'm out of town so often and I wouldn't want such a trivial detail to hold them back. I have absolutely no reason to be jealous of such a small thing; it's not like I own them, and it's not really even my business what they chose to do with their free time.
And yet, somehow…
Somehow, I can't stop feeling depressed about the most trivial things, no matter how hard I try.
Well, at the very least, the discussion during lunch was still a better way to spend my time than the way that I've been wasting this evening. I was sitting in my front parlor, trying to read a book, and that tango music started popping into my head again. And that made me completely forget about what I was reading, and I even started thinking about the whole incident with Sanada again, as though I haven't spent enough time pondering that incredibly useless subject. And I am so sick to death of thinking about that concert and the tiny snippets of conversation we had and all the rambling on Yukimura's part when he came to my house, about what an absolutely perfect boyfriend Sanada is, and how wonderfully their relationship is going, and how sweet he can be sometimes…
So I finally decided to drown out my own thoughts by blaring Beethoven's Fifth Symphony over my personal sound system. There's nothing like some angry classical music to make you forget about Latin dancing. Or pointless excursions to karaoke bars, for that matter. Or even the dreaded subject of "significant others."
I should listen to classical music more often.
Sincerely,
Atobe Keigo
跡部景吾
…
１月１１日木曜日
Thursday, January 11
I knew that a day like this would come eventually. I should have assumed so, anyway, as soon as I decided that I was going to write every day.
I officially have nothing to write about. Absolutely nothing interesting happened today.
But I have to write something, so I suppose I'll describe my day. Here it is: I got up, ate breakfast, went to school, went to the gym, came home, ate dinner, and studied. That was my day. Exciting, don't you think?
I'm feeling suddenly frustrated. I don't know whether it's because my day was boring, or just because I have to write about it. Either way, some part of me wants to throw this book in the trash can as hard as I possibly can. It would probably make a loud noise, which I think I'd find strangely satisfying. At least until my father came in and yelled at me for waking him up.
Maybe I'm just driving myself crazy because the busiest tennis season of my life is over. Now I feel like I have too much free time and I'm doing nothing useful with it. I hate wasting time.
The problem, though, is that I'm not wasting time. I've been training for the next tennis season, studying for entrance exams, practicing kendo… Really, I haven't taken a break today until just now. I'm busy, and it's with things that are important…
It's just that it's the same thing, every single day.
I don't understand. I'm normally so happy with my usual routine. The last time I felt this frustrated was probably a result of my routine being interrupted in some way. Why have I suddenly realized how monotonous my life is? And why is it bothering me so much?
To be honest, I was noticing it all day. When I got to class, I sat down in my usual seat, and all I could think of was getting through another day. Then another day tomorrow, then another, then a day off, then another week. When I went outside to eat lunch, I sat with the same people—my former teammates—and when I opened my box, it was the same thing I have every day. I went back to class at the exact same time I do every day, and before I left school, I gave Yukimura a kiss, like usual, and said "See you tomorrow," just like always.
The kiss didn't even feel like anything anymore.
I can't believe I just wrote that. But it's true. I kiss him mostly because it's normal. Because I love him, of course, and because it's my way of saying goodbye every day. But it's become such a part of my daily routine that it's not special anymore. Don't get me wrong; I like kissing him, but I wish there were some way to make it seem special again. I wonder if he's as bored of it as I am.
What I don't understand about all of this is why I didn't feel this way sooner. If this really is a result of tennis being over, why am I only starting to feel this way five months later? What has happened lately that could have possibly triggered this?
It's 11:01. Which means that I'm one minute late for my usual bedtime.
真田弦一郎
Sanada Genichiroh
…
１月１１日木曜日
Thursday, January 11th
I simply cannot take this any longer. And as such, I am not going to stop writing in this journal until I have fixed this unspeakably absurd problem…
I cannot stop thinking about Sanada Genichiroh.
While I realize that I am reasonably perplexed about that visit from Yukimura, and even more perplexed about the circumstances surrounding the concert that followed it, these facts do not excuse even the slightest wasted thought on a brick wall like Sanada. It certainly does not excuse the way he popped into my head during class, when the only thing that prompted it was an oblique reference to the turbulent history of Argentina on the part of the teacher. (Let me summarize my train of thought to demonstrate how ridiculous this was: Argentina Argentine tango tango music Latin concert seeing Sanada.) And it also doesn't excuse the time during passing period where I actually found myself humming that obnoxious tune out loud, as though I actually enjoy having it stuck on repeat inside my head.
But above all else, what it really doesn't excuse is the part where I walked into the music room during lunch today and nearly had a heart attack, because there was that oh-so-familiar navy blue cap, right in front of my eyes. I think that all of the color must have drained out of my face, I was so shocked to see that person in my music room… And then suddenly I realized that Sanada had apparently shrunk several inches and decided to start wearing his hat backwards. At which point I grabbed Shishido by the collar and blurted out something to the effect of, "You idiot, what in the hell are you wearing?"
Well, you could have heard a pin drop in the room. All of my teammates were staring at me, and rightly so, because I am sure that I must have sounded insane, just exclaiming something like that out of absolutely nowhere. Even Shishido was shocked, but he finally managed to stammer out something like, "Uhhhh… Our school uniform?"
I managed to calm down at that point, at least enough to try to keep a miniscule shred of my dignity, and explained that I was referring to the hat on his head. At which point he explained, if rather inarticulately, that it was a Christmas present (which makes sense, given how worn out his other hat happens to be). And then I noticed that he was blushing, which of course meant that Ootori must have given it to him, but everyone else was still too busy staring at me to notice even the slight embarrassment on his part…
And I don't even know why, but suddenly, I just had the most inexplicable urge to disappear into thin air. And so I excused myself from the room. I suppose that I decided that it was better to give them all lunch hour to forget about my psychotic behavior by eating my lunch somewhere else, rather than risk answering any of their perfectly reasonable questions.
So I proceeded to eat my lunch outside in the courtyard, and spent most of the remaining half hour mentally insulting myself for my own stupidity.
I also resolved to try to think through the whole situation logically tonight, so that this kind of thing never happens again… So here I am, trying to figure out why I can't get someone like Sanada Genichiroh out of my head. What makes this difficult is that this phenomenon doesn't make the slightest bit of sense, at least not when considered logically. First of all, the strange circumstances surrounding the concert cannot explain such ridiculous behavior on my part, at least not completely. What's more, out of all the people that interacted with me during the time that this odd situation unfolded, I had the least actual contact with Sanada. So it doesn't actually make sense that he would be the one that has become impossible to extract from my thoughts.
And now, as I think through the situation, I am forced to realize that this must have been part of Yukimura's plan. Unless he is completely innocent and has no scheme at all regarding the concert ticket (which I am personally betting against), he must have wanted for me to notice that Sanada was there. And why would he want me to notice that? If he simply wanted to make me jealous that he has a boyfriend and I do not, which seems much too childish for someone like Yukimura, he would have come along and acted like Sanada's perfect little wife right in front of me. But he wasn't even there, so it can't be that simple.
But then why would he want me to notice? Is it really possible that he wanted me to start thinking about his boyfriend like this? Well, if I assume that his plan was a success, I would have to know why I am thinking about Sanada, in order to know what he was aiming to accomplish. And that is a rather difficult question to answer, at least logically.
After all, Sanada really does have all the personality and charm of a marble statue, at least as far as his interaction with me is concerned. If anything, our last few meetings have only proved that he is even more socially awkward than I thought. And I simply don't get along well with people who make a point of ignoring me, which Sanada obviously tries to do. Take Tezuka, for example… He was always trying to avoid me on the court, so I responded by trying to destroy his tennis career. No, being ignored really does not sit well with me at all. In fact, it drives me absolutely insane, which could explain a great deal of my irrational behavior lately.
Actually, in a lot of ways, Sanada can be even more difficult to deal with than Tezuka is…
Oh, god.
That's exactly my problem. If Sanada is so much like Tezuka, then it's no wonder that I would find it difficult to get him off of my mind. After all, it goes without saying that Tezuka's habit of not responding to my provocations always intrigued me, and Sanada is exactly the same way when it comes to dealing with my presence. Besides, I have never been so completely blind as to deny the obvious: Sanada is certainly good-looking, just as handsome as Tezuka is. And I've kept insisting to myself that I couldn't get past the fact that Sanada has no personality, but I used to think that Tezuka didn't have much of a personality either, and I still fell for him.
So that has to mean that I can't stop thinking about Sanada because I'm attracted to him.
Well, this is ridiculous.
After all, doesn't Yukimura know that I've gotten over my infatuation with Tezuka? I certainly don't intend to repeat such a painful mistake, by trying to get involved with someone who isn't even available. (And again, why in the world would Yukimura want such a thing? Only an idiot would be that careless with their boyfriend, especially if he was that good-looking and also apparently clueless.) Not to mention the fact that it's extremely unlikely that I would fall for someone if I knew that people were expecting me to do so. Besides, this scenario would imply that there's something else that Yukimura doesn't understand…
And that's the fact that I've learned the difference between infatuation and love.
In the end, the reality that I am attracted to someone does not necessarily guarantee that we belong together. It was the same way with Tezuka… While I'm honored that I have since been given the chance to discover that he is an incredible person, I didn't actually know a thing about him while I was pursuing him. And you can't truly be in love with someone unless you take the time to get to know them beforehand. I'm certainly not foolish enough to waste my time trying to get to know Sanada Genichiroh. Even if he did turn out to have a decent personality underneath that stoic front, I know better than to try to get close to someone who is obviously content in his current relationship.
No, I'm certainly not stupid enough to let myself fall head over heels for some unreachable statue again. Sanada is just like Tezuka… He's too perfect to have any real faults, and too unreadable to even begin to try to comprehend. Ultimately, that's not the kind of person that I truly want… I may be an ambitious individual, the type of overachiever whose usual motto is to aim high, but when it comes to giving away my heart, I refuse to grasp at the clouds.
No, in such a case, I am firmly resolved to stop myself before I can even start to feel that way. And from now on, that's exactly what I'll be doing when it comes to Sanada Genichiroh.
Of course, I'm sitting here spending all this time explaining why I would never let Sanada become a second Tezuka to me, but the truth is that all of this is so incredibly obvious. I would never fall in love with Sanada when I've already made this kind of mistake before. The more I think about it, the more I realize that Yukimura must already be aware of this fact. Besides, there is no conceivable reason that Yukimura would actually want me to fall for his darling boyfriend, so his intent must be something else…
But why would he simply want me to be attracted to Sanada? I have no reason to act on such a trivial thing, especially not regarding someone who is practically a stranger to me. But there must be something about this that Yukimura would want to use to his advantage, at least if I am still assuming that he has a method to his apparent madness.
Well, if that scheming saint did have some kind of a plan, I can only hope that it is doomed to fail miserably, since it seems to have been so poorly thought out. He should have considered the fact that I am rational enough to be aware of my own foolish tendencies, not to mention that I don't make the same mistake twice.
And unfortunately for him, now that I have realized all of this, I will have no further need to trouble myself with the inconsequential subject of Sanada Genichiroh.
Sincerely,
Atobe Keigo
跡部景吾