Disclaimer: We own nothing. We write slash. We drink Mountain Dew. You've been warned.
Authors' Note: Sorry this chapter is a little late, everyone! We hope you enjoy it. As always, reviewers will be showered with love and roses. And the next chapter will be up asap.
FallingSilver: Also, for all of you who read my fanfics, note that there is a special little preview of my upcoming fic in the entry for Wednesda--
ToastedMarshmallow: -whacks sister with tennis racquet- Shut up! You already get too many reviews!
FS: But I just wanted to let them know... -whines- (And yes, I'm the OLDER sister, even though I get all the abuse...)
TM: If you try to plug yourself, I will UNPLUG you. Heh heh. (No one cares. I'm taller.)
FS: Screw you. I'm the one carrying this thing.
TM: ... (getting angry)
FS: Seriously, YOU try writing for a talkative egomaniac. You'd probably get writer's block. And hand cramps. And all other sorts of hideousness.
TM: -puts on a black cap and yells- SHUT UP!
FS: Well, that was a fine display of eloquent vocabulary, you imbecile. -flips hair and poses with a rose-
TM: ... We really need to stop writing this stupid thing. It's doing strange things to us...
FS: No kidding. Well, anyhoo... We should probably let the readers do their thing now.
Both: Enjoy!
１月１５日月曜日
Monday, January 15
I talked to Renji today. That's always interesting.
At the beginning of lunch hour, he commented that I seemed to be in a good mood. I was; yesterday's small victory against Atobe was still fresh in my memory. So I told him about all of that. When I said that I'd won the argument, he actually seemed surprised. (Seeing Renji surprised is a rare occurrence.) So I explained everything that had happened, and at the end he just said, "Oh." He must have come up with some plausible explanation for why I succeeded from the information that I'd given him. I tried to ask him for the reason, because it suddenly occurred to me that Renji might have discovered some unfair advantage that gave me the upper hand. And I certainly wouldn't be able to take so much pride in my accomplishment if that were the case. But Renji just smiled, patted me on the back (in that annoyingly condescending manner of his), and said, "It's nothing. Congratulations, Genichiroh. You won, fair and square."
I then proceeded to rant about Atobe for basically the rest of lunch hour. (Again, I really need to stop that.) I was so busy talking about him that I forgot to ask Renji if there was anything bothering Yukimura lately. I wouldn't have been able to ask him right then anyway; Yukimura sits with us for lunch. I had been planning on asking him quietly after lunch, but I didn't think of it until later, during class. It bothered me for the rest of the day, since I wasn't sure if Renji would be free after school.
Luckily for me, he was, and I convinced him to come to the gym with me. He's always helpful to have around while I exercise. Not only is he a good spotter, but he always knows what I should do and I how much I should do it to train most efficiently.
He guessed almost immediately that I wanted to talk to him about something. I told him that I was a little worried because I've had such a hard time understanding Yukimura lately. I gave him a few examples, and he listened very carefully. (Or, at least, I think he was listening; he looked very concentrated. He was either listening or already trying to form an answer in his head.) After I finished, he sighed and let a few moments pass before he replied.
He started by asking, "If you had to guess, what would you say might be bothering Yukimura?" I inwardly rolled my eyes at this. Renji has this habit of not telling me anything directly, but instead trying to get me to think through it and figure it out on my own. Either he's just being condescending (as usual), or it's his way of compensating for the fact that he knows a lot of information that he really shouldn't be telling people. Either way, it's annoying. Doesn't he know that I wouldn't be asking him if I was able to figure it out myself?
I told him that I had no idea. He then proceeded to ask me a series of questions that he thought would help. "Has he been anxious lately?" "What does he like to do on your dates?" "Have you noticed any pattern to his bad moods?" I didn't have a very good answer for any of his questions. I finally just asked him, "Can't you tell me, or do you really have no idea?"
He sighed again and sat down beside me (which, frankly, made me kind of nervous). Then he admitted that he knew, but he really didn't think he should be telling me. He said that if I couldn't figure it out on my own, it would probably just be better to wait, because I would find out "soon enough." He implied that it would be better if I heard it then, presumably from Yukimura.
Honestly, it scared me. Renji was making it sound like it was something pretty important. I have to admit that I started to panic a little. But then he put a hand on my shoulder and said, "Genichiroh, don't worry. I promise, you'll be thankful that he waited to tell you."
This sounds like an odd thing to say about Renji, but I think he's really grown up in the past year or so. I know I can't really be the one to say that, since I still feel somehow younger than him (even though I'm older, technically). But he never used to say things like that. He used to be a lot more… insensitive, I guess. He would spout out the same predictions and give the same advice, but now he's more careful about what he says, and he takes the time to tell people what they really need to hear. And he never has to lie to do that, either, which must be very hard. I really admire him for that. It's nice to have someone like that for your best friend.
I was still a little nervous, though, so I asked him if the secret was good or bad. He replied, "Not bad, if you wait." I've spent the past four hours trying to figure out what he meant by that. I've decided that it's better not to give myself a headache pondering it, so I'm not going to worry about it. I guess I'll just have to trust Renji.
真田弦一郎
Sanada Genichiroh
…
１月１５日月曜日
Monday, January 15th
I was so angry yesterday, once I started to write about my irritating encounter with Sanada in the park, that I completely forgot to mention the fact that I also went out to dinner with Tezuka that same evening. We didn't really have much to talk about, since we had already seen each other last week… And despite the fact that Tezuka did ask me how my morning went, I decided that I wasn't going to demand an explanation from him about the way he cancelled our meeting. After all, it was already obvious that he was in on Yukimura's little scheme; if he had actually been planning to tell me about it, he would have done it on his own.
No, I'm going to be a perfectly good victim, and pretend that I have absolutely no idea what's going on. It does make me wonder, though… Tezuka doesn't seem like the type of person who would get himself involved in someone else's business (much less their diabolical plot). So why would he play along with Yukimura's rather transparent attempt at a setup? It's certainly bizarre, if nothing else. And it does make me wonder if I can really trust him, since I obviously can't trust Yukimura. Tezuka is such an important person in my life; I would be truly disappointed if he had no qualms about turning against me, whether there was a good reason for it or not.
In any case, I played along with him and launched into an explanation of what had happened to me at the park (since that was obviously what he wanted to know). And just like when I wrote about it later, it made me furious all over again, simply talking about what a clueless jerk Sanada had been during our discussion. Tezuka seemed rather troubled by it, too, as though it mattered what I thought about that moron. He asked several times if I was hurt by what Sanada had said… Well, of course I denied it. I wasn't going to admit something like that out loud. But I knew that Tezuka could tell that I was lying. Somehow, he can always see right through me when I'm pretending.
And then he said something to me, while I was still complaining about how rude Sanada can be: "You can't expect him to be considerate of your feelings if you never show him that it bothers you."
I have to admit, that made me pause. After all, I'm perfectly aware of the fact that I usually choose to hide my feelings around other people. It's not like I want to act like a fake, but I do put up something of a front, just to try to keep myself from revealing too much… When I was younger, I used to wear my heart on my sleeve, just like everyone else does at that age. But eventually, you have to learn to hide the things that bother you, at least a little bit. If you didn't learn to hide it, everyone would know exactly how to hurt you – and in my experience, plenty of people out there will hurt you, if you give them the chance.
Needless to say, I don't intend to give someone like Sanada Genichiroh even the slightest opportunity to hurt me. He has abused my trust enough.
Still, Tezuka does have a point. If I'm always hiding how I really feel around him, I can't expect Sanada to realize that he has the ability to hurt me. He probably thinks that I couldn't care less what he says about me. And the truth is that he's right; I shouldn't care what he says about me at all. But somehow… Somehow, I do care about what he says. When he insults me, it makes me angrier than I've ever felt. When he gives me just one clumsy compliment, I think about it for days. It's absolutely ridiculous. Someone like Sanada Genichiroh isn't worth even a minute of my time. And yet I still spend hours sitting here and writing about him.
This really needs to stop.
Well, it's not like I'm completely limited to the role of the victim in this sick little game… There are ways that I can take matters into my own hands, without giving away the fact that I already know what Yukimura is trying to do by setting me up with Sanada. And the more I think about it, the more I want to give that devious individual a taste of his own medicine. I could always drop him a little hint that I am choosing to play along with his scheme, some sort of warning that he really doesn't have the slightest idea whom he's dealing with…
This gives me an absolutely perfect idea, one that is just so amusing that it puts a smile on my face as I'm writing this.
In that case, I'll be paying a visit to a certain someone tomorrow, and then we'll see if Yukimura still wants me to participate in his twisted plot.
I would take the time to write about my day at school today, but to be perfectly honest, it was even more boring than all the dull days of last week put together. And besides, I am really too proud of my sudden flash of inspiration to do anything except chuckle in anticipation and go spend some time working out the details before I go to bed.
It really is a remarkably brilliant idea, if I do say so myself.
Sincerely,
Atobe Keigo
跡部景吾
…
１月１６日火曜日
Tuesday, January 16
Today was so confusing that I don't even know where to start, except from the beginning.
It's mostly one event that's the cause of my confusion. I was sitting in class, and about fifteen minutes before the beginning of lunch hour, the office paged me over the intercom, saying that I was being signed out for lunch. For a second, I almost thought I'd heard wrong; I wasn't expecting anybody and I couldn't think of anyone who would take me out to lunch. Yukimura leaned over with a perplexed look on his face and asked, "Were you expecting someone?" I quickly told him no, and then I glanced at Renji before I left, hoping that he might have some idea. He looked just as confused as Yukimura.
When I got to the office, you'll never guess who was there. (Yes, I'm being sarcastic at this point; this is getting ridiculous.) There was Atobe, leaning over the desk and flirting with the secretary, who was giggling like a schoolgirl. He really is shameless.
When he turned to greet me, I demanded to know why he was there. He just smiled and said, "Didn't they tell you? I'm signing you out." I really wish he wouldn't treat me like I'm stupid. I asked him again why he was signing me out. He replied that he was taking me out to lunch—again, completely unhelpful.
At this point I was basically at his mercy. As we walked out to his limousine, I kept my mouth shut and tried to answer for myself why he might have decided to kidnap me. I couldn't come up with anything reasonable, so I asked him why again. And he said something like, "It's the least I can do, after what happened on Sunday." That answer made no sense to me, so I asked him what he meant. He said he felt awful, and wanted to make a "formal apology."
What the hell.
Since when does someone as proud as Atobe admit that he was wrong? He seems to think he's always right, and his attitude is so entitled and self-righteous that I can't imagine him ever saying he's sorry. What made it even stranger was that I couldn't remember anything he'd said that was particularly horrible. All I could remember was what I said. Wasn't he still angry about all of that? And isn't apologizing kind of pointless if the person you're apologizing to doesn't even remember what you did?
I started to say, "It's not like you to say you're sorry…" Then he cut me off by saying, "You act like you know me."
I really didn't have anything to say to that. It certainly forced me to stop and think for a second: do I really know him at all? I guess I don't. I haven't spent that much time with him, and the few times I have talked with him, I've usually been pretty distracted. Not to mention the fact that Atobe just seems like a difficult person to figure out.
I thought about it the whole time we were driving. He took me to some fancy restaurant about fifteen minutes from my school that I didn't even know existed. He filled the entire conversation with small talk that's really too useless to even repeat. I responded to all of his questions as politely as I could, but inside I was so frustrated that all I wanted to do was slam my hands on the table and tell him to shut up. I felt so helpless. He'd caught me completely off-guard, and he was acting so over-the-top friendly that I simply didn't know what to say.
I've come to a disturbing conclusion: I'd rather Atobe be yelling at me than making pointless small talk like he was today. I don't know what it was, but I found it incredibly frustrating. It was all I could do to keep myself from either stabbing myself with the steak knife or crawling over the table and wringing his neck. I'm sure I hid it pretty well, but I was uncomfortable the entire time we were eating. Atobe, of course, was completely at home, being shallow and social and eating his fine prime rib perfectly with a fork. (I don't really care for Western-style restaurants; I'll trade a fork for a pair of chopsticks any day.)
Sometime during the main course, he made his little fake apology, which was something like, "I really do want to apologize for some of the things I said on Sunday. I guess you could say I was in a bad mood." I mumbled a strained acceptance, and returned his apology with a short one of my own. He laughed at me and sarcastically said that I sounded confident.
The truth was, I wasn't sorry at all. I'm still not. I wouldn't take back a single thing that I said, even my supposedly "cheap shot" about him not having a boyfriend. The expression on his face when I said that was priceless; remembering it still gives me such a wonderful feeling that I find it hard not to smile, even though I'm normally so good at keeping a straight face. I think Atobe deserved every bit of it. And I won that argument, fair and square.
My reluctance must have been showing on my face, because he asked me if something was wrong. I lied and said no. He took that as an invitation to continue his irritating small talk. I had to sit there and endure it for the rest of the hour.
When he took me back to school, I tried to be polite and thanked him for lunch. He responded in a sickeningly sweet voice, "You're welcome. I had a lovely time. Enjoy your day." I could seriously feel my skin crawling. Then he said, "See you around," and I returned it, though honestly, I'd be ecstatic if I never see him again. Unfortunately, at this point that's looking very unlikely.
I had to explain all of this to Yukimura before I left school today. He seemed to want to know everything, but I didn't really feel like talking about it. I was still trying to figure out why the hell Atobe was acting so annoyingly full of sweetness-and-light.
My kendo lesson today was mildly embarrassing. The events of the afternoon were so disturbing to me that I found it almost impossible to concentrate. Grandfather noticed this, and stopped the lesson. Instead of practicing, he decided that we should meditate together. That, of course, was even harder. After about ten minutes of trying to focus, I finally admitted that I was having trouble clearing my mind. He nodded calmly and told me to try something else. He suggested that I try to think of a few things that were beautiful, ponder each of them for a while, and try to relax.
I have to say, doing that really helped. It was very calming. I thought of a lot of things—cherry blossoms, snow on the ground, a starry sky, even music. I also thought about Yukimura, of course; about his smile and his laugh and that sparkle in his eyes. When Grandfather told me that we were done for the day, I felt refreshed and focused.
I'd like to retain that feeling as much as possible, so I think I'm going to end my entry here. Otherwise, I could spend pages and pages trying to figure out exactly what was with Atobe today, but I think I'll save all that for another time. I'm sure I'd just end up confused and frustrated again.
真田弦一郎
Sanada Genichiroh
…
１月１６日火曜日
Tuesday, January 16th
Well, that worked like a charm, if I do say so myself. And now there is only one possible downside to my flawlessly executed idea: I have to try to write about it without collapsing into a fit of laughter, a privilege that I already granted myself on the ride home. In any case, I shall attempt to recount the events of the day without too much in the way of self-imposed interruptions. But I should start at the beginning…
I signed myself out of school during second period today, in order to give myself enough time to reach my destination. (The office never complains about my departures, no matter what the reason for them may be… My father has donated far too much money to the school for them to even consider doing otherwise.) Fortunately, I arrived right on schedule, so I headed right into the main office of Rikkaidai and begin to implement my brilliant idea from the previous night.
The first part of my plan was incredibly simple: it involved introducing myself to the secretary at the front desk and charming her into letting me sign out one of the junior high students for his upcoming lunch period. She was the perfect type for such a scheme, too; one of those overly friendly administrative assistants who apparently think that it's in their job description to giggle at absolutely everything an attractive man says. It didn't take me long to persuade her to call my victim's name over the intercom in order to sign him out… And at that point, I had to hide all my laughter in the smiles that I was sharing with the rather oblivious woman, or otherwise I think I would have broken down completely.
So I was going on and on about what a wonderful school Rikkai obviously was, and how kind it was of her to let me take my friend out to lunch, even though it was technically against school policy. And then I suddenly heard that familiar voice behind me, saying my name in a faintly bewildered tone: "Atobe."
I solemnly swear that I would pay a million yen in cash for the expression that was on Sanada Genichiroh's face in that moment, once he realized that I was the one who was signing him out.
Well, of course I knew that it was a completely absurd scenario. But do you think I let on that there was anything out of the ordinary about me taking Sanada out to lunch? Guess again. Instead, I proceeded to compliment him on his promptness, and he naturally felt the need to ask me the usual question: "What are you doing here?" This time, however, I decided to treat him like the intellectually-challenged being that he is, and simply state the obvious: "Didn't they tell you? I'm signing you out. 'What for,' you ask? Well, ore-sama is taking you out to lunch. Yes, yes, I know that I'm unspeakably wonderful, but you can pay me back by kissing my feet later." (Alright, so I didn't say the last sentence out loud, but I must admit that it was tempting. The only problem was that I knew that I would have laughed and ruined my whole plan.)
Yes, I had him right where I wanted him. He was so flabbergasted by the whole situation that he surrendered without a fight and followed me without a word. And that was exactly what I wanted.
You see, I finally realized something last night… It may be true that Sanada cannot be expected to understand that he is capable of hurting my feelings. It may also be true that I often come across like a self-absorbed egomaniac who deserves verbal abuse for the way I constantly praise myself. But the solution for this problem is really quite simple. If I don't want him to insult me, I simply have to smother him with good manners and cordial behavior. No matter how fake it may be, Sanada isn't enough of a jerk to insult someone when they are giving him nothing but kindness. And there is nothing that confuses an enemy more than goodwill; it makes him so distressed and disoriented that he doesn't know what else to do except submit to it. This was one of the benefits of taking Sanada out to the fanciest restaurant in the area for lunch.
The other benefit was the fact that I knew that this was something that absolutely no one was expecting of me. After that whole argument on Sunday, the last thing that I should be doing is seeking out Sanada and trying to spend more time with him. But this arrangement spares Yukimura the pain of trying to arrange another setup by himself… Not to mention the fact that it also takes away his advantage of being the only one who knows what is going on. Yes, I am choosing to play along with his little game. And I'm doing it so well that I am actually taking the initiative to act perfectly charming around his boyfriend, since that's what he apparently wants. And while I don't think that Sanada is stupid enough to fall for something like that, it just might be enough to make Yukimura consider the possibility that I may be too much for him to handle.
Anyway, like I was saying, Sanada got into my limousine without a fight. But apparently the curiosity (or the confusion) was becoming too much for him, so he finally asked why I was taking him out to lunch. I had anticipated this question, of course, and had prepared a perfectly nonsensical response: "It's the least I can do, after what happened this weekend."
Predictably, he was confused by this reply, and he immediately proceeded to demand clarification on what I "meant by that." So I explained that I felt simply awful about what had happened on Sunday, and that I wanted to give him a formal apology. He tried to point out that it "isn't like you to say you're sorry," but I just cut him off by saying that he doesn't know anything about me.
Of course, I knew exactly what was confusing him. After all, why would I go out of my way to apologize for the argument on Sunday, when he had clearly offended me much more deeply than I had offended him? And he was right in assuming that it isn't like me to apologize for just anything… My pride is too strong for me to do that, unless I truly believe that I am the one in the wrong. But he doesn't actually know this for a fact, and my only goal was to confuse him as much as possible. I must say, confusion is the perfect way to torture your enemies if you want to remain entirely free from blame.
By the time that we got to the restaurant, I'm sure that Sanada must have been straining himself, just to keep from completely losing it in front of me. (You couldn't tell by looking at him, but he was even quieter than he usually is, so I have to assume that he was getting frustrated.) I have to admit, I was pretty amused; the whole situation was working out exactly like I had intended. So I sat down at our reserved table, right across from him, and proceeded to treat him exactly the same way that my family always treats my father's business clients… Plenty of smiles and laughter, the most polite small talk that I could think of, and boundless generosity when it comes to picking up the tab. Needless to say, I was perfectly comfortable with the situation; Sanada, on the other hand, didn't seem the least bit comfortable.
I loved every minute of it.
I did offer him the promised apology while we were still eating… I repeated that I felt simply awful for some of the things that I said to him on Sunday. I also mentioned that I had been in a bad mood that morning, in the obvious hope that this would persuade him to overlook my rude behavior. (Of course, I didn't mean a word of it.) By this point, though, the poor man was so sick of enduring my ingenious torture method, that it was all he could do to mumble out some sort of insincere apology of his own. Like any gracious host, I just laughed lightly and said that he sounded confident, a typical tongue-in-cheek method for questioning a person's sincerity.
But Sanada just sighed, so I proceeded to take my fake benevolence to the next level, and all but sang out, "Is something wrong?" And the only thing he could do was lie about how nothing was wrong, because naturally he wasn't going to let himself crack in front of me. (That poor, pathetic man… I almost feel sorry for him. Almost.) So I then proceeded to take a painfully long time in ordering something for dessert, all the while continuing to talk about absolutely nothing, and secretly wondering if Sanada would ever give in to the frustration he was obviously feeling and just start screaming at me. Well, he endured it for the entire course of the meal, and I have to admit I was impressed. I wouldn't be surprised if the strain winds up giving him a few nasty ulcers, though.
During the whole ride back to Rikkai, he didn't even say two words to me. But I can't say that I blame him, and besides, I was managing to carry on the whole conversation just fine by myself. (That, of course, is one of my more obvious talents.) And then, just to compound my amusement, he attempted to thank me for lunch as he got out of my limousine, however grudgingly. Well, I obviously wasn't going to be outdone in courtesy, so I gave him my best "Daddy-hopes-you'll-do-business-with-us" smile, and then I said something to the effect of, "Oh, you're welcome. I had a lovely time. Enjoy the rest of your day."
I think Sanada looked like he was going to be sick.
Well, I already said that I laughed my head off in the limousine, all the way home to my house. (I didn't even bother with going back to school… I might have made it in time for the last bell, but that would have been incredibly pointless. And besides, I had no immediate reason to be there.) I must confess that it felt absolutely wonderful. Even if Sanada never realizes that the joke was entirely on him today, I will always have the satisfaction of having caused that horribly uncomfortable expression on that idiot's face. It serves him right, for being such a thoughtless fool and taking cheap shots in an argument, simply because he happens to have an unfair advantage. And I hope that Yukimura is absolutely horrified when he hears about this; it would serve him right as well.
There's just one little thing about this that bothers me… I would have to guess that Yukimura will assume that I was trying to flirt with Sanada by taking him out to lunch and being nice to him. Of course, that couldn't be further from the truth, and the mere idea of flirting with such an ignorant moron is appalling. But there's nothing that I can do about that; it would ruin my plan completely if I tried to explain myself to anyone who might be involved in Yukimura's twisted plot. And like I said before, there is always the possibility that he'll feel threatened by my charming demeanor (who wouldn't?) and leave me out of his scheme from now on.
Well, I'm not going to let that tiny detail trouble me… I'm just going to think of that uncomfortable expression on his boyfriend's normally stoic face, and savor it for everything that it's worth.
And I have to admit, its worth is absolutely priceless.
Sincerely,
Atobe Keigo
跡部景吾
…
１月１７日水曜日
Wednesday, January 17
Today was boring. School was as usual, I helped with tennis practice, I exercised and studied, and that was the extent of my day. But it was nice, because it gave me time to think. And now I can say something that perhaps no one else in the world can say.
I have Atobe Keigo all figured out.
He's so simple that I'm kind of surprised I didn't realize it all sooner. I was thinking about how he was acting yesterday—so polite and charming and obviously fake—and it dawned on me that he treats most people that way, all the time. It's that arrogant but generous attitude that he used constantly in front of his fanclub members and the rest of his tennis club. It's the sort of attitude that made me feel like he was condescending to apologize to me yesterday.
It's all an act.
The whole time he was talking to me yesterday, every corner of my mind was screaming, "Fake!" There's nothing about Atobe Keigo that's genuine; he's all about keeping up appearances. He doesn't show anyone his true self. That's why I feel like I know nothing about him. Because all I ever get to see is that fake front he puts up.
Now this realization led me to another question: why does he do that? And to answer that, I had to figure out what kind of person Atobe actually is. Because he's obviously hiding something. So then I wondered if maybe I had seen his true colors after all.
Think about it: people are usually more inclined to reveal their true personalities when they're either scared, threatened, or frustrated. I can't say that I've ever seen Atobe scared, but I do think he feels threatened by me, and I can definitely tell that he's frustrated when he talks to me. So I have reason to believe that I've caught a few glimpses of what he's really like. The real Atobe must be that nasty little person who always has to get in the last word, who always argues and insults people and tries to make them feel like they're two inches tall. It even explains his true motivation for taking me out to lunch yesterday: he just wanted to watch me squirm.
It explains everything, really. The reason he puts up a front, then, is because no one would like him if they knew what kind of person he really was. But of course he wants everyone to adore him, so he acts perfectly cordial and generous. It's sickening.
Naturally, I didn't fall for it. He must think that people are idiots. He must think I'm an idiot, if he expected me to think that he was actually apologizing to me yesterday. But I could tell that he was just pretending. And when he realized that I had seen through his act, it only served to amuse him more. (He might have even predicted that it would happen.) He then proceeded to torture me for the rest of lunch.
As refreshing as it is to finally understand all of this, I'm not satisfied. I still feel like I've only seen a tiny piece of the puzzle that is Atobe Keigo. As I said, I've only had a few glimpses of his real personality. What I suddenly want is to see it all. It would be so satisfying to see the horrible person that he is completely exposed in front of me, just once. I'd like to prove once and for all that he's hiding something that anyone would be ashamed of. I don't think I'd ever get the chance to show the world (which would be even more rewarding), but I'll be happy if I can just prove it to myself.
I'm going to make that my new goal. I'll find some way to catch him completely off-guard, and then force him to show me his true self.
That would be so incredibly satisfying that I can almost taste it now.
My next problem is finding a way to do it. But it's late, and I suppose I should save that for another time.
真田弦一郎
Sanada Genichiroh
…
１月１７日水曜日
Wednesday, January 17th
Today was a little too quiet, especially when I compare it to the beginning of the week. Still, I can't say that I missed all of the insults and the intrigue that have filled the past few days. Actually, it was quite refreshing to go through a normal day of school and not have to worry about plotting and scheming, whether on my part or someone else's. Still, that does mean that I don't really have anything to write about today.
I did have a rather amusing conversation with Jiroh during lunch, though. Like always, the whole team was having lunch and talking together in the music room, or at least that was how it started. But toward the end of lunch period, most of the others were occupying themselves in other ways… Ootori was practicing on the piano again, and Shishido was sitting right next to him on the bench. (Subtle, they aren't.) And Oshitari was helping Gakuto with his math homework by writing out formulas on the board, as well as arguing with him the whole time about a particular answer that Gakuto remained convinced was incorrect. I don't remember what Hiyoshi and Kabaji were doing, but they weren't in the room at the moment.
So Jiroh and I were sitting by ourselves, watching the other four do whatever it was they were doing and trying to keep up a conversation on our own. And suddenly, out of absolutely nowhere (which is so characteristic of Jiroh), he just blurted out, "You know what you and I need, Atobe?"
Well, of course I humored him and asked what it was that we needed. So he immediately smiled, rather too happily given the subject matter, and declared, "You and I need a boyfriend!"
Of course, at the time I had to laugh. Jiroh isn't like Sanada; he can say the most indelicate and even inappropriate things, and it can't possibly bother me. It's that way that he smiles when he says it; you know he doesn't mean anything by it, and anyway, it would be as impossible to be angry with that smile as it would to be furious with sunshine.
So I teased him by making some comment about how it would be rather difficult to have to share a boyfriend, given the lack of plurals in his original sentence. He laughed a little, but the strange thing was that he actually stayed on the topic, and rather seriously, too, at least for Jiroh. He mentioned that it was the way that our doubles pairs act together that made him think of it. (That's often the same reason that I start to think about it. I'm not sure how it's possible not to think of it, when they're a constant reminder of that kind of relationship.)
And then he said something a little surprising, at least to me. He mentioned that he thought it was odd that I, of all people, had never had a relationship like that. I asked him what he meant, and he said something like, "Well, come on, Atobe. Who wouldn't want you?"
I have to admit, there was a small part of me that was strongly tempted to just reach over and hug him, right then and there. Obviously, I didn't do that, but it really is strange… Somehow, Jiroh always knows exactly what to say to make me feel better, even when he has no idea that I'm in a bad mood in the first place. I just laughed a little, and said that it was no more surprising than the fact that someone as cute as Jiroh didn't have anyone. And he smiled again, which made me glad that I had said it. But then he said something that I didn't expect…
"Well, after that whole thing with Marui-kun, I don't think I'm ready for a relationship yet. I don't really know a thing about love, I guess."
Of course, I knew exactly what he meant… He was talking about how aggressively he had started pursuing his longtime crush during the fall, which didn't exactly end the way that he had hoped. And then I suddenly realized something.
Jiroh and I have a lot in common.
After all, we've both had the same type of obsessive infatuation, for two people who ultimately weren't interested in us. And neither of us has ever had an actual relationship, so we've never been fortunate enough to find out what real love is like. Obviously, you need to like someone to want to be with them, but simply liking someone isn't love. We've never been able to find out what the difference is, even though we can see the difference in the people around us. Ultimately, we've never had the privilege of getting to fall in love, even though we're open to the possibility…
Maybe that's why we've spent a few thoughtless nights together.
It was never planned, of course… We've never even talked seriously about those times, but I have a sneaking suspicion that it was because we both have the same secret loneliness that we used to cross the line of friendship every now and then. But it is enough to say that I know that neither of us ever seriously considered being in an official relationship with each other. Unfortunately, in the end, we're just not attracted to each other, at least not as strongly as we have been to other people. And I think that's why Jiroh said what he did today… Because he knows that I can understand how he feels, and because he wanted to tell me that he knows how I feel.
Well, the next time that I am tempted to think that I don't have any true friends, I am going to think of that bright smile on Jiroh's face, and that will help me remember that it isn't true. And even if I never do get the privilege of falling in love, I am fortunate enough to know that I'm never alone, if I still have people in my life that I can truly call my friends. Honestly, that is more than most of my relatives can say.
… And the more I think about it, the more I'm convinced that the entire team of Rikkai regulars is full of nothing but self-absorbed idiots. You would think there would be at least one of them who would be smart enough to know a good catch when they saw one, but apparently that isn't the case. I suppose the lesson is that you should never lose your heart to someone who wears such an hideous shade of yellow. Well, I'll just have to learn from Jiroh's mistake and avoid it entirely.
Sincerely,
Atobe Keigo
跡部景吾
…
１月１８日木曜日
Thursday, January 18
It's been a long day. An interesting day, though somewhat disappointing.
It started out like normal; school was pretty boring, and nothing happened that was out of the ordinary until the final bell rang. I packed up my things and waited quietly by Yukimura's desk to say, "See you tomorrow." He seemed to be looking for something in his book bag, and he suddenly said, "Oh." Then he sighed and put one hand to his head like he was trying to figure out what to do.
I asked him what was wrong, and he pulled out a stuffed manila envelope from his bag. He said he needed to deliver it, but he'd forgotten about it and promised to be at home at a certain time. Always trying to be a good boyfriend, I naturally offered to deliver the package for him. I figured it would involve going to the post office or something; a little inconvenient, but nothing I couldn't handle. Besides, the way his face lit up with relief had to be worth whatever trouble I'd have to go to, right?
I was wrong.
He handed the package to me and said, "Thank you, Sanada; that would be perfect. I need this delivered to Atobe's house tonight. I'm sure he won't mind that it's you, since you're on such good terms with him." I was shocked, and I sputtered out an attempt to ask him what he meant by that. He sort of cocked his head innocently and said, "Well, he took you out to lunch yesterday, didn't he?" I was still too stunned to reply, so he just thanked me again and kissed me goodbye.
It's a long way from Kanagawa to Tokyo. Needless to say, I had plenty of time on the train to think. Half of the trip was spent wondering how I ended up having to do this in the first place. Eventually I gave up on that question, in the hopes that Yukimura would remember that I'd done him a huge favor. So then I started thinking about how I should handle the situation.
That's when it occurred to me: showing up at Atobe's house unexpectedly would definitely catch him off-guard. Maybe it would be the perfect chance to throw him off, and see completely through his act. In retrospect, I should have come up with some sort of plan. I guess I just assumed that, now that I had him figured out, I would know exactly what to do when I got there.
When I did get there, I was a bit overwhelmed. Atobe's house is huge. I know it seems obvious, but when you actually see his house, you really can't help saying it. I had to give my name and "state my purpose" at the gate. Then I had to walk across the rather elongated driveway to the door. A butler let me into the front hall (excuse me, the proper word is probably "doorman"), and I had to wait there for a few minutes while they went to get "Master Keigo." All of it was just so overdone that I would have gagged if I hadn't been so disoriented by it.
When Atobe finally came, he was wearing a bathrobe over what must have been his pajamas, which surprised me. It was late, but it wasn't that late, so I'd expected to see him dressed in normal clothes. And he seemed really shocked to see me (I guess I don't blame him.) He asked me what I was doing there, and I gave him Yukimura's package.
Then there was an awkward pause. I was sort of waiting for him to open the package, but for some reason it seemed like he didn't want to open it. It made me wonder if he knew what was in it. And if so, was there some reason I wasn't supposed to see it? But then, how come it seemed like he hadn't been expecting it? Maybe he just doesn't like opening mail in front of people.
He invited me in and said he was going to put the package in his room. So I followed him to his front parlor (yes, the man has his own parlor, and yes, that is what he called it), and I waited there for him while he went into his room.
Now, there was something that struck me as very strange about Atobe's part of the house. His front parlor is decorated in dark, rich colors, mostly black and gold. But when he went into his room, I caught a glimpse of the inside, and it looked completely different. Everything in there looked silvery and blue, with maybe some lighter shades of purple. I normally don't pay attention to the way people decorate their houses, but the contrast of the two rooms was so different that I couldn't help noticing. And I found it very strange that someone as style-concious as Atobe would have such a mismatch between two adjacent rooms.
The only reason I went beyond just noticing it to pondering it was because he kept me waiting so long. When he finally came out, he was fully dressed and seemed to have gotten over the initial shock of seeing me. Though why he bothered getting dressed when I wasn't planning on staying very long, I'll never know…
Anyway, it was downhill from there. He offered me the "grand tour," and he showed me some of his house, which took the better portion of an hour. Then he insisted that we have some tea in his parlor. The hot tea was nice, since I was still a little chilly after walking all the way from the train station to his house, and I wasn't exactly looking forward to going back out into the snow. But the whole time, I was feeling incredibly frustrated, because I could tell that I was getting nowhere. There was no way I was going to catch him off-guard; he was in his own house doing what he does best: serving tea and politely chatting with one of his guests. He was using that same irritating small talk that he tortured me with when he took me out to lunch.
He even asked me how my boyfriend was, which surprised me considering the fact that the very word "boyfriend" had resulted in such a strong reaction from him on Sunday. I attempted to start an argument with him by implying that he didn't care at all how Yukimura was doing, and that he was asking just for the sake of asking. But I admit that it wasn't a very significant point, and it really had no effect on him. He just laughed it off and kept talking. It wasn't long before I excused myself.
He showed me out, and I thanked him for the tour of his house and the hot tea. He replied, "It was my pleasure." I couldn't help doubting his sincerity, but I didn't say anything about it. I just said goodnight and left, somewhat disappointed.
It's only one setback, though. I'm still determined to find out what he's hiding behind that annoying facade of his. Failure is a good thing to have once in while; we learn better from our mistakes then our successes. My mistakes in this case were simple: I didn't have a plan, and I found him in a situation that was too comfortable for him. What I need to do is figure out some way to take him out of his element. Then I need to know exactly what to say to provoke him as much as possible.
At this point, I have no clue how to do all of that.
真田弦一郎
Sanada Genichiroh
…
１月１８日木曜日
Thursday, January 18th
I never thought that I would be able to say this, but I am at a complete loss for words. Still, I suppose that I should talk about what just happened in some way or another, so I will have to compose myself and try to find enough words to write about it.
Sanada Genichiroh came to my house tonight.
It had been a perfectly boring day, as usual, and it was nearly nine o'clock in the evening. So I had already settled into my customary routine of changing into my pajamas and a bathrobe, so that I could spend a few hours relaxing in my room before going to bed. I was sitting on my bed and reading, when much to my surprise, I was paged over the intercom by the doorman, who informed me that I had a visitor.
Well, it goes without saying that I was completely at a loss as to who would be visiting me at that hour. So I hurried down into the front room, where much to my shock, I discovered that Sanada Genichiroh, of all people, was standing inside my house. I was so surprised to see him that I couldn't even begin to think of what to say, and I had to take a moment to collect my thoughts before asking him what he was doing here. (Suddenly, I realize that maybe it's not an entirely unacceptable greeting on his part, whenever I show up at a place that he doesn't expect me to be.)
Strangely enough, he said that he had a package from Yukimura to deliver, and he then handed me a manila envelope with my name written on it. This was mildly disconcerting, since I wasn't expecting any such package. But after a moment's thought, I realized that it was probably some kind of response on Yukimura's part to my antics on Tuesday. And if that was indeed the case, I had to assume that Sanada didn't even know what was inside the envelope, and that he probably wasn't supposed to know, either.
Still, he seemed to expect me to open it, and so there was this incredibly awkward pause while I tried to decide what to do. I finally told him that I was going to put the package in my room, and I invited him to come inside. I'm not even sure why I did that; I suppose that I was trying to be hospitable in the face of an extremely uncomfortable situation. After all, he had taken the time to come all the way to my house, so it would have been rude to simply tell him to leave.
In any case, he followed me up to my front parlor and sat down, while I retreated into my bedroom and set the envelope down on my desk. I'm not even sure exactly what happened at that point… But suddenly, I almost panicked. I realized that Sanada Genichiroh was sitting right outside of my bedroom, and there I was in my pajamas and a bathrobe, probably looking like a mess (or at least, more of a mess than usual). I'm not even sure why I felt so nervous; I suppose that it was just the shock of having someone like Sanada intrude into my personal life when I least expected it. After all, I normally try to relax in my own home, since I'm so busy trying to look like I have it all together the rest of the time. And here was someone who would certainly enjoy the discovery that I'm not always picture-perfect, and he was sitting right outside my bedroom waiting for me to reappear.
Well, it took me only ten seconds to decide that I needed to put on some normal clothes, if I was going to survive this predicament with style. So I went into my closet and got dressed as quickly as I could… It was more difficult than I would have expected, since I hadn't worn anything today except my school uniform. And I actually found myself wasting almost ten minutes trying to decide what I should wear, which is incredibly stupid. It's not as though someone like Sanada would even notice such a thing. But one pair of designer jeans and a cashmere sweater later, I was back in my front room and asking rather grandly if he would like a tour of the house.
I have to say, I felt much more comfortable after that. He seemed fairly in awe of my family's mansion, which is to be expected. (Well, I say "in awe," but it was more like that grumpy, sullen, I-am-so-not-impressed kind of awe, otherwise known as the "sour grapes" attitude that is so characteristic of the less fortunate.) And that helped to put me at ease; I suppose that it was a comfort to know that even Sanada Genichiroh is capable of being overwhelmed by extravagance. And after I had showed him around, I invited him to have some tea in my parlor. He agreed, which surprised me a little, and we proceeded to have some of the polite conversation that always accompanies such a setting.
It was almost bizarre, though, to be sitting in my front room having tea with Sanada. Actually, it reminded me more than once of the last guest from Rikkai that I had entertained in my parlor; it goes without saying that Sanada probably had no idea that Yukimura had been sitting in that exact same place on my sofa, sipping from a china teacup and handing me a ticket to that Latin music concert.
In any case, the conversation wasn't exactly stimulating. I asked him something along the lines of how his boring life had been for the past few days, and he basically sighed and said that I had answered my own question. I couldn't help chuckling a little; he's always so resigned about everything, like life itself is just some kind of chore that he's trying to hurry up and finish. Oh, and I asked him about how his boyfriend was doing. I suppose that it was the polite thing to do, given the situation. (I must confess, I was secretly annoyed about it… I didn't want to hear about Sanada's devious boyfriend any more than I wanted to hear about anyone's boyfriend, which, of course, was not at all.)
In any case, he then proceeded to demand why I was asking about it, so I told him it was just polite conversation. And then, naturally, he started questioning my sincerity and insisting that I didn't really care. Well, of course he was right; I didn't care at all. I mean, why should I? But it's out of line to question another person's sincerity in a simple conversation, and so I calmly informed him of this fact. He managed one of his half-hearted apologies, but I just laughed it off. Needless to say, I really wasn't in the mood to pick a fight with him, not after that disaster on Sunday.
Still, there was one thing about his boyfriend that I was a little curious about. And so I finally asked him whether Yukimura had been comfortable with my little stunt on Tuesday. (Naturally, I didn't call it a "stunt" in front of him; I simply called it "Tuesday's arrangement." But he's so clueless that I probably could have gotten away with it.) Still, all he said was that Yukimura had seemed a little surprised by the situation. Well, I figured that there must have been more to the story, but it was obviously too much to expect the oblivious boyfriend to have anything resembling a clue about it. And so I found myself forgetting about the conversation for a moment; I just sat there and wondered whether the package sitting on my desk would have some kind of answer to my question.
Well, the next thing I knew, Sanada was saying something about how he should be heading home. So I showed him to the door, secretly glad that I would be able to go see what was in that package. Much to my surprise, though, he actually took a moment to thank me for my hospitality before he left, which I certainly hadn't been expecting. I simply said that it was my pleasure… He then apologized for leaving so abruptly, and I said that I understood completely and wished him goodnight. And he said the same thing before he left.
I'm not exactly sure why, but I found myself just standing there for a few minutes, watching him walk down my driveway and out toward the front gate. I suppose that I was rather taken aback that he had been so polite to me, after everything that had happened between us during the past few days. And suddenly, I found myself actually smiling, just a little bit, and thinking that maybe he really isn't such a rude person after all, when he chooses not to be.
Well, that part of my evening was strange enough, but it only got stranger once I was back inside my bedroom. I sat down to open up the package, but all that I could find inside was a letter, hidden between some sheets of tissue paper. And now I am completely at a loss as to what to think, about Yukimura, about Sanada, and about everything else that I thought this situation was shaping up to be.
I suppose that the best way to explain what I am feeling is to simply enclose the letter inside this journal, as a reminder of why I find myself at such a loss when I try to understand what is going on here. And so here it is:
…
My Dear Friend,
Thank you so much for your kind gesture on Tuesday. I'm afraid my boyfriend did not appreciate your kindness to its full extent. I apologize for anything he might have done or said; sometimes he has no manners. I hope he did not offend you in any way, either on Tuesday or this evening.
I wish we could have talked when you visited my school. I'm sure you feel, as I do, that we would have much to talk about. Feel free to write back if there is anything you want to say to me. I would love to catch up with you sometime.
I would tell you what sort of things I've been up to lately, but I get the impression that you've guessed much of it, and I wouldn't want to bore you. But there's a certain project that I'm undertaking… Well, I don't need to tell you about it. I'm sure you already know everything.
I just want to let you know that, while you may think that I'm in over my head, perhaps you should make sure that you aren't, before making such judgments. Besides, you'd be incorrect; I can assure you that I'm not going to fail.
You can't hinder my intentions, Atobe. You can only help them along.
In any case, I just wanted to let you know that. And I hope to hear from you soon. I'll definitely see you next summer, but I hope we'll meet sometime before then.
Yours truly,
Yukimura Seiichi
…
I mean, honestly, what in the hell can that possibly mean? I kidnapped his boyfriend and went out of my way to be excessively nice to him, and he's actually happy about it? Of course, this could be some sort of trick, but ever since I started to read that letter, I've had this sinking feeling that there must be something about his whole scheme that I have overlooked. After all, how could he possibly say that I can't hinder his intentions, if I'm such an important part of this "project" that he's undertaking? Unless I've incorrectly assumed that I actually am a part of this little plot, I can't see any conceivable way that this statement could be true.
And it's certainly unsettling that he seems to have already guessed my intentions, as far as that impromptu lunch date on Tuesday is concerned. Not to mention the fact that he seems to be implying that I'm the one who is in over my head, not him. And since it's his precious boyfriend who is on the line, whereas I truly have nothing to lose, it should go without saying that I will have to take a step back from this situation and reconsider my assumptions about it.
Well, even though I am at a loss as to what to think about this letter, I can safely assume two things. First of all, I can no longer believe that my original hypothesis about this situation is correct. If Yukimura was simply trying to test Sanada's fidelity, he wouldn't make such a reckless statement as "I can assure you that I am not going to fail." After all, if that actually was his motivation, he could certainly fail; Sanada could cheat on him and even break up with him because of such a ill-conceived plot. So I am going to have to come up with another hypothesis, as far as Yukimura's little scheme is concerned.
As for the second thing, well, I can safely assume this much…
Sanada's boyfriend is as creepy as hell.
Well, I'm starting to give myself a headache from thinking about all of this, and I really do need to go to bed now, if I don't want to look like a complete mess in the morning. But it goes without saying that I'm probably going to find it hard to go to sleep tonight, what with all of the confusion that this evening has brought me.
Sincerely,
Atobe Keigo
跡部景吾