Disclaimer: We don't own PoT or any characters. This fic contains shounen-ai. We were high on caffiene when we wrote this.
Authors' Notes: Minna-san, sumimasen!!! We know this installment is very late... We'll try to catch up. As always, review and we'll love you forever (and a day).
Some Japanese terms are used in these entries. We've provided footnotes at the end.
Enjoy!
１月１９日金曜日
Friday, January 19
I had dinner with Yukimura again tonight. It was nice. We talked.
I told him about what happened when I went over to Atobe's house yesterday evening. He was the one who brought it up; he said he hoped that delivering the package hadn't been too much trouble. Somehow the conversation degenerated into me ranting again about Atobe. I was trying to explain how fake he is, but I got the feeling that Yukimura didn't believe me. I don't think he understands where I'm coming from.
I got a little carried away; I started to tell him that I was going to do something about it. He didn't seem too impressed. He asked me, "What if you're wrong?" I told him that I'd find out, then. But I know I'm not wrong.
I changed the subject. It was kind of quiet after that, I guess. I don't know what Yukimura was thinking about, but I couldn't stop thinking about Atobe. I was still trying to come up with a plan. I haven't figured out anything so far.
This is turning out to be a lot harder than I thought it would be.
How does one stump Atobe Keigo? If there's one talent of his that he's absolutely perfected, it's how observant he is. That's what his whole "insight" move is all about, right? If I tried anything tricky, I'm sure he'd figure out what I was doing and find a way to avoid it. Besides, he's been faking his entire life; he's got to be very good at pretending by now. I'm sure his mask is close to flawless.
The one thing I did think of was inviting him over. I thought of it because I remembered how uncomfortable and disoriented I felt at his house, and how comfortable he seemed to be. So if he came to my house, obviously I'd have the upper hand. But unfortunately, I'm not sure that it would work. The main problem is my mother. I'm sure she'd be so sweet and polite (like she always is) that Atobe would feel right at home. And then I don't think I'd get anywhere.
I think I've figured out what to say, though. Well, not exactly… But I think I have a good idea: why not just go straight to the point? If I can somehow make it clear that I've figured him out, maybe I can get him to show me what he's hiding. I'm sure no one's ever asked him about it before, and I don't think it's something he would expect me to bring up. What would he say to that?
Besides, just backing him into a corner and seeing how he reacts should tell me a lot. Most likely, he'll get really defensive, and I'm sure his guard will drop a little. He'll start yelling at me or something, which is only going to prove my point. And if I point that out, then what is he going to do?
There's one more thing I have to remember: I'll probably only get one good shot at this. If I mess it up, I'm sure he'll just start avoiding me so I won't expose him. And then if I ever do see him, he'll be keeping his guard up. That's why I want to make sure he's a little disoriented before I nail him.
I'm kind of tempted to ask Renji for advice, but something tells me that he'll be no more supportive than Yukimura was.
I'll figure it out. It will probably come to me when I'm not thinking about it so hard.
真田弦一郎
Sanada Genichiroh
…
１月１８日木曜日
Friday, January 19th
After spending a whole day at school trying to figure out what Yukimura's letter meant, I finally decided to take my questions about it to someone who might actually have an idea as to what its purpose was. So I gave Tezuka a call during my lunch period and asked if I could come over to his house to show something to him. He sounded rather surprised… At the time, I just assumed that he didn't expect me to be this aggressive about it, since I figured that he already knew that Yukimura had sent me a letter. (Like I said before, he must be in on at least part of Yukimura's scheme, since he helped to organize that little "coincidence" in the park on Sunday.)
Well, I arrived at his house in the evening, which in and of itself is always an interesting experience. For one thing, Tezuka lives in an extremely traditional, Japanese-style house, the kind of building that makes you feel like you've stepped back in time at least a hundred years. I have to admit, I'm usually rather out of my element in houses like that; I am a native of Japan, of course, but my upbringing has always been very Westernized. Actually, there's something about that house that almost reminds me of Tezuka himself… I can't quite put my finger on it, but it's true. Everything inside the building is so still and quiet, and the house itself looks very stiff and solid, almost like it's always been there.
And then there are Tezuka's family members… I have to admit, some part of me doesn't quite know what to make of them. For one thing, Tezuka's parents are absolutely nothing like him at all. His father is just an everyday, run-of-the-mill businessman; he's actually rather friendly, and even almost clumsy in his mannerisms. As for Tezuka's mother, she seems to be a very warm, caring person, who spends a great deal of her time doting on her family… Again, nothing whatsoever like Tezuka. And then there is Tezuka's grandfather, who does somewhat resemble his grandson, but that man is the most eccentric one of the lot. He's as strict as a military school disciplinarian, and spends most of his time lecturing Tezuka's father about his shortcomings. (He would probably lecture Tezuka as well, if Tezuka was something less than general perfection.)
In any case, I greeted the rest of the family as respectfully as I could, and then Tezuka led me to his room. (Tezuka's room is exactly like him… Furnished only with what is necessary, and always kept as neat as a pin.) Almost immediately, he asked me what it was that I had wanted to show him, so I removed the letter from in between the pages of my journal and handed it to him. He began to read over it, and much to my surprise, he looked genuinely confused by the time that he had finished. He asked me when I had received the letter, so I explained the whole situation to him, including the part where Sanada had actually arrived at my house to deliver it.
By that point, of course, I could tell that he didn't have any idea as to why Yukimura had written the letter. And I have to admit, that surprised me. After all, here was yet another one of my assumptions that now needed to be reexamined… Tezuka may have been a part of the "coincidence" on Sunday, since there is just no way that such a thing could have happened by chance. However, Yukimura apparently didn't tell him very much about whatever it is that he's planning… After all, here was an important part of that plan, and yet Tezuka had absolutely no idea as to what it meant.
Ironically, it was Tezuka who ended up asking me most of the questions; he was obviously confused about all the references in the letter to my stunt on Tuesday. So I told him all about how I had taken Sanada out to lunch earlier in the week, just to annoy Yukimura. And I noticed that the corner of his mouth started to twitch ever so slightly while I explained this to him… This meant that he was trying his best not to smile, because he was amused by something. (I have to admit that I have a certain secret fondness for that twitch… I try to be the cause of it whenever I possibly can.) But that hint of a smile disappeared when I went on to tell him about the way I had been treating Sanada during lunch, with my fake cordiality in all of its unsettling glory.
I couldn't help noticing this little detail, and I found myself asking him what was the matter. He didn't say very much at first, but he did ask me why I had been acting like that toward Sanada. So I explained how angry I had been about Sunday's argument, and that I figured that the best way to really get on his nerves was to be as sickeningly sweet as possible. And then he said something that really didn't make sense at all: "I see… Well, that's unfortunate."
I asked him what in the world he meant by that, and he went on to explain by saying something along these lines: "I'm sure that it did bother him. But if you really want him to stop being rude to you, acting like a fake isn't going to solve the problem."
When he said that, I got the strangest sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach, and I suddenly felt almost depressed about the whole situation. And the truth is, I'm not even sure why I felt like that… After all, I already knew that my behavior on Tuesday wasn't going to "solve" any kind of problem. I don't intend to open up to Sanada, any more than I intend to go swimming in shark-infested waters. But suddenly, I almost wished that my interaction with Sanada wasn't just limited to trying to outmaneuver him all the time. After all, I already mentioned that I was surprised at how polite he was being to me on Friday. Honestly, I had no reason to be rude to him, so I wasn't. And he wasn't rude to me, either. In fact, it was almost a pleasant experience.
The truth is that I wish that I didn't have to act like a fake in front of him. I wish that we could just be friends, instead of either fighting like cats and dogs or simply ignoring each other entirely.
And as I read over what I just wrote, I am almost in shock that I feel this way. After all, why should I care about what Sanada Genichiroh thinks of me? Do I actually care what he thinks of me? Or is it just because Tezuka didn't approve of my behavior? This would make much more sense, given how deeply I admire him. Disappointing him is certainly something that I have every reason to avoid.
In any event, I talked a little longer with Tezuka, but we didn't really have much to say to each other. I think we were both thinking about other things… So I excused myself and thanked him for his time. I just wish that my discussions with him didn't have such an irritating tendency to create more questions than they answer. Not to mention the fact that I suddenly feel very depressed, and I don't have the slightest idea why. In any case, I suppose that I should go to bed, since I really don't have anything else to write about, except an endless list of unanswerable questions.
Sincerely,
Atobe Keigo
跡部景吾
…
１月２０日土曜日
Saturday, January 20
At the risk of sounding as arrogant as Atobe, I have to say, I'm brilliant.
Alright, I'll admit it; I got a little lucky. And I was right; the perfect idea for a plan came when I wasn't even thinking about it. I was doing homework, and my mother came in to tell me goodnight. (She and Father have been going to bed earlier and earlier lately; I guess it's their age.) As she was leaving, she just happened to mention that she and Father were taking Grandfather out to the theater tomorrow night, and I would be home alone from 5:30 to about midnight. At first I didn't pay much attention to what she said, but after a second's thought, I had my brilliant idea.
I got up quickly and caught my mother on her way down the hall to her room. I asked her nicely if I could invite a friend over for dinner when they were gone tomorrow. And just like I hoped she would, she smiled and said, "Of course."
At that point, there was only one thing left to do: call Atobe and invite him over.
Luckily, I just happened to have his number in the address book on my cell phone. Last year during tennis season, Yukimura gave me a list he had of phone numbers from all the tennis club captains in our region. I don't know where he got the list, but he gave it to me in case I wanted to schedule any practice matches (an idea I never seriously considered). I was a little nervous that the number might not still work, since I'm sure Atobe has multiple phone numbers and probably switches out cell phones almost as often as clothing. So when I called and heard him pick up (it took him a while, but he did answer), I almost worried that he could hear the excitement in my voice as I casually invited him over for dinner.
It's the perfect plan. He'll be out of his element, and I'll be in mine. And this way, my mother and the rest of my family won't be here to try and ease his discomfort. Even more disconcerting (for him) is the fact that he'll be alone with me. It will be just the two of us and a big, empty house. That sort of situation is nice when you're with someone you know really well, but not so nice with someone unfamiliar, especially someone you might potentially consider an enemy. I realized immediately that this would be the perfect way to freak him out.
My conversation with him on the phone only proved that to be the case. He didn't sound as articulate as he normally does. He seemed a little nervous at the thought that my family might be there, but he really started stuttering when I told him that we would be alone. I gave him directions to my house, and he observed that I live "in the middle of nowhere." I then proceeded to mention that I liked how secluded it was. (Alright, at that point, I'll admit that I was trying to scare him.) He didn't seem to like that idea. I was vaguely tempted to laugh. Honestly, what does he think I'm going to do, try to murder him? Although I'm not saying that's a bad idea…
In all seriousness, though, this is going to work out very nicely. All I have to do now is figure out exactly what I'm going to say, but I have all day tomorrow to think about it. Oh, and I also have to figure out what I'm going to cook. Not that really I know how to cook a lot of things… In fact, knowing me, I'm going to have to use every recipe I know in order to come up with a decent meal. And I suppose I'll have to go shopping. I can do that tomorrow afternoon; Atobe's not coming over until seven.
I should go to bed. I have a date with Yukimura tomorrow morning, kind of early. But I've decided that I'm not going to tell him about any of this. I'm sure he wouldn't be interested anyway.
真田弦一郎
Sanada Genichiroh
…
１月２０日土曜日
Saturday, January 20th
I realize that this past month has consisted almost entirely of nothing but strange situations and unexpected circumstances, but as for what just happened to me, not one hour ago this evening…
Actually, I have no idea what in the hell just happened to me.
I was sitting here at my desk, minding my own business and trying to think of something to write about for my journal entry today, when my cell phone rang. This was perplexing enough, since my friends usually remember to call my private home line during the evenings, rather than my cell phone. And after fumbling around in my school bag for a while in order to locate it, I noticed that the number on the caller ID was one that I didn't recognize. In any case, the call was on its third ring already, so I hurried to answer it.
You can guess my utter astonishment when I discovered that it was Sanada, of all people, on the other line.
I spent the first few sentences of the conversation trying to figure out how in the world Sanada got my phone number, but all he said was that he got it from Yukimura. Needless to say, this detail still confused me… I don't remember ever giving Yukimura my cell phone number. But at least by this point, I was able to recover enough from the initial shock to carry on a real conversation. So I asked him what I could do for him (which seemed considerably more polite than "Why in the hell are you calling me?").
He invited me to dinner.
Even as I write that sentence and then read back over it, I still can't believe this. Sanada Genichiroh invited me over for dinner. Obviously, I was in complete shock about it at the time… He asked whether or not I was free tomorrow. Well, in that moment I was thinking about as clearly as a shell-shocked tortoise, but I started rummaging around my desk, trying to find my calendar so that I could double-check my schedule. (Naturally, it's sitting here right in front of my face at the moment, taunting me, but I couldn't locate it during the phone call.) I asked him what time he had in mind, and he told me seven o'clock. Well, I still had no idea if I was free or not, but I told him that I was, since I didn't really want him to know how flustered I was acting.
And then, the next thing I know, he was asking if I needed directions to his house. All of a sudden, the reality of the situation hit me…
I was being invited over to Sanada Genichiroh's house.
I'm not even sure why this idea makes me so nervous, but it does. I've never been to Sanada's house, but as much as I feel ill at ease when I'm in Tezuka's home, I am certain that Sanada's house must be at least a thousand times worse. I don't know a thing about where he lives, but it has to be in some kind of traditional Japanese residence; I couldn't imagine him living in any other kind of place, somehow. And something else occurred to me during the phone call … Was I going to have to meet his family as well? What if they were all just as stiff and disapproving as he is? The mere thought was starting to make my head spin.
But the truly disturbing piece of knowledge came when I tried to clarify that his family would be there, just so I could brace myself for an entire army of dull personalities. He then informed me that his family wouldn't be home. No, it's going to be just him and me, all alone in whatever kind of creepy old house it is that he lives in…
I am nothing short of terrified.
At the time, I nearly dropped the phone in surprise, and I have to admit something rather embarrassing… I was trying to find a way to get out of it. I'm not even sure why, but I suddenly felt almost panicked. So I asked him something along the lines of whether his boyfriend would be okay with this. (Yes, Atobe, that's absolutely brilliant… Why don't you try to protect yourself by bringing other incredibly creepy people into this already disturbing situation?) He just brushed it off, though, so I have to guess that Yukimura doesn't know about it. Now that I have the time to think about this, I'm actually rather glad about that detail… The last thing I need is for his crazy boyfriend to become psychotically jealous and show up at his house with a knife or something, all ready to cut me up into pieces and bury me in the backyard.
… Yes, my imagination has finally run off with my sanity, and the two of them are having a grand old time without me.
In all seriousness, though, I could have sworn that Sanada wanted me to be afraid of something like that. He was giving me directions, and I suddenly noticed that his house was in the middle of nowhere. I commented on this, and he said in a vaguely unsettling tone, "Yes, I like it. It's secluded." I actually shivered; that's how much I am dreading this situation. I then voiced some sort of disorganized thought about how he would naturally be the kind of person to like such an arrangement, but he didn't seem to understand what I meant.
Anyway, I was so disturbed by this point that I quickly reconfirmed the time (yes, seven o'clock) and told him that I would see him then. After that, I simply hung up the phone. And now I have committed myself to going over to dinner at a strange house at seven o'clock at night, in the middle of nowhere with someone who certainly seems to consider me a personal enemy of his. And while I'm not foolish enough to actually think that I am in physical danger (I hope), I have to admit that I'm still incredibly nervous about this. I don't usually make a point of going over to an acquaintance's house unprepared, and when it comes to someone like Sanada, I have absolutely no idea what I should be expecting.
And then there's the fact that he certainly doesn't consider me a friend of his. So what are we supposed to do for two hours, sit there and glare menacingly at each other? Try to win a pointless verbal debate? Grab two of his wooden swords and spar with each other over the dinner table?
… And the more I think about it, this doesn't make any sense at all. What exactly are we going to eat for this alleged dinner? Can Sanada Genichiroh really cook? Is he going to call for take-out? Am I actually going to go through with this crazy arrangement?
Well, as much as I don't know the answers to any of these questions, I do know one thing for certain…
I'm definitely going to have trouble sleeping tonight.
Sincerely,
Atobe Keigo
跡部景吾
…
１月２１日日曜日
Sunday, January 21
Atobe just left my house. After this evening, I'm not sure what to think anymore.
So much for my plan.
As always, I'll try to start at the beginning so I can sort out my thoughts. Atobe showed up a little early, and I wasn't quite finished cooking, so I had him wait in the dining room while I set everything out. I noticed right away that he was acting a little strange. He seemed nervous, like I thought he'd be, but something in his discomfort wasn't entirely unpleasant. And it wasn't just because I like seeing him uncomfortable; he was being incredibly polite, and almost humble, at least for Atobe.
If he's trying to confuse me, he's doing a good job.
One thing in particular that he said early in the meal caught my attention. He'd mentioned that he didn't even know I could cook, which I guess I should have expected (it's not something people usually guess about me). I replied that my skills were somewhat limited, as was my recipe list. During the meal, though, he brought it up again, looking at the food and saying, "I thought you said you couldn't cook much…"
I glanced down at the table, and I can't say that the meal struck me as very extravagant. But instead of pointing this out in a less-than-polite tone of voice, I found myself humbly admitting that what was on the table was basically everything I knew how to cook. I can't figure out what it was that was causing me to want to speak so softly and act so kind, but somehow I completely forgot my original plan, which was to spark as many arguments as possible.
Then he said the thing that surprised me. He replied, "It's a lot to me. You're talking to someone who doesn't even know how to make toast."
I got the funniest feeling when he said that. It was the kind of thing I never would have expected him to say, but I can't put my finger on the reason why. There were a few things about it that were perfectly in-character for Atobe: it was witty, it was perfectly timed, and it was casual conversation. And while it technically revealed a deficiency on his part, which seems like a taboo for someone who keeps up such an arrogant front, it was the sort of thing that he could have very possibly said to a guest and gotten away with, as long as he trivialized it with a quick laugh and a wave of his hand.
So what was it that made me completely unable to resist a smile?
And then he changed the subject. He looked towards the screen doors and started talking about how beautiful the snow looked as it was falling outside. I was shocked. I guess I always assumed that Atobe never had the ability to recognize any beauty but his own. I never would have guessed that Atobe Keigo had any hint of a romantic side to him.
It was the most uncanny feeling. I mean, there we were, sitting across the dinner table, looking outside at the snow and finally agreeing on something for once: simply the fact that it was beautiful. It was almost unsettling. If I had to compare it to something, I imagine that it would be like fighting in a war, trapping an enemy in a corner and, just as you're preparing to kill him, suddenly realizing that he was exactly like you.
Atobe carried on the conversation from there, in his natural way of doing so. But the strange thing was, I felt absolutely no frustration at all. I couldn't understand it. He was making his usual, pointless small talk, asking questions every now and then that forced me to answer. Except I didn't even feel forced. There was something about the way he was going about it that made me almost enjoy the conversation.
We finished eating, and I offered to go make some tea. While I was in the kitchen, I came back to my senses. What was I doing? I was supposed to be drilling him, trying to make him as uncomfortable as possible, and yet here I was, chatting and even laughing (yes, laughing) with him like he was a close friend of mine. I decided quickly that I couldn't let it continue.
When I came back with the tea, I launched into my planned conversation: "Are you going to play high school tennis next year?" He answered yes, of course. I told him that I was, too, and that I was already training, and he commented on how "focused" I am. It was going exactly how I'd wanted it to, except he didn't seem very uncomfortable. I ignored this fact and continued.
I told him that I think he tends to "lose sight of his goals." He seemed a little offended by that, naturally, and argued that maybe I just didn't understand his goals. Now he was beginning to sound more like the Atobe I knew. So I took that as a green light, and observed that his only goal seemed to be antagonizing people.
I was trying to get at something that I figured out (or thought I figured out) as I was thinking about it today. One aspect of his real personality seems pretty clear: he's very competitive and makes enemies easily. That's what he did with Tezuka, when he tried to destroy his arm. And that's what he constantly does with me. And (unless there's something I'm not seeing) he does this for absolutely no reason. It's almost like it's a game to him. It's just part of his nature; he acts nice, but really he doesn't like people at all and will try to bring them down whenever he can. That's what I thought, anyway.
Of course, when I said that, he asked me what I was talking about, and I mentioned Tezuka as an example. But instead of arguing, instead of yelling and getting defensive like I'd expected, his voice quieted and he made a statement that made absolutely no sense:
"That's all I can do."
I could ponder that for years. I could spend pages and pages, volumes and volumes writing, trying to work through and understand that statement. I'll bet I could study it for a lifetime and never figure it out. A statement like that is something that only the speaker can truly understand, and I'm sure that's just the way Atobe wants it. So I've come to this conclusion: Atobe Keigo is too complicated to figure out after all.
Yes, I'm giving up. Like I said before, that was my one shot, my one chance at catching him off-guard and letting him reveal everything. Now I'm almost certain that I'll never understand. All I can conclude at this point is that I was wrong somehow. Something isn't matching up, between my assumptions about Atobe and what actually happened over dinner and tea this evening. Otherwise, it should have gone exactly how I'd planned. At the very least, I should have received a clearer answer than a vague statement like, "That's all I can do."
It's very frustrating, but at the same time, it's almost relieving. Now I'm not going to waste any more of my time pondering the enigma that is Atobe Keigo. Most likely, he's going to make a greater effort to avoid me, now that I've made it so clear what I think of him. And even if he doesn't, I can just endure his chatter without the frustration of wanting to know what he's hiding. Because if there is something, he's too good at hiding it, and I have no choice but to surrender to him and let him have his secrets.
Congratulations, Atobe. I'll never say this to your face, but you've won. You've stumped me. I'm sure you'd say it wasn't difficult, but nevertheless, you've done it, and I congratulate you.
After rendering me speechless with his unexpected answer, Atobe randomly changed the subject again, saying that he'd like to see my family's garden. I think his legs had fallen asleep, because he stumbled a little when he got up. I reached out a little when he did; it was mostly a reflex, but for a split second, I actually thought he was going to fall. And I don't know… I actually felt a little bit of concern. I asked him if he was alright. He said yes, and (in typical Atobe style) refused any help.
Then we stood on the porch and watched the snow fall. I don't know how long we were out there, but it felt like forever. We didn't really say anything. I was thinking, trying to figure out what the hell was going on. How he was acting, how I was acting, how it felt, and why. I wanted to feel like I had him figured out again. I could tell I was losing my fragile grip on the things I thought I knew about him.
I glanced over at him at one point, and somehow that destroyed my theories altogether. His expression was thoughtful and quiet; it almost didn't look like him. And then I started noticing how out-of-place he looked. Just beyond him was a bare cherry blossom tree and another part of the house. I never realized it before, but Atobe doesn't seem to belong in such a Japanese setting. I knew his family was very Westernized, but he is still Japanese, so I didn't think that it would be so obvious by just looking at him. Still, there was something in the contrast that wasn't altogether disagreeable.
I looked away and continued thinking. A few minutes later, I heard him mention that it was cold. Normally, I would have ignored that sort of comment, and I think that's what Atobe expected me to do. Except that his tone wasn't exactly flippant; somehow he made it sound like it was important. If I ever heard Yukimura say the same thing in the tone that Atobe used, I would have held him and rubbed his shoulders, trying to keep him warm. But this was Atobe, and obviously I couldn't do anything like that, nor would I want to. Instead, I took off my haori and handed it to him. Honestly, I expected him to refuse it, but he didn't. He just took it, put it on, and said, "Thank you."
We were still standing out there for a while after that. Eventually, he thanked me for dinner, and said he "should be going." I showed him to the front door, and he put on his coat. The whole time I felt like there was something more I should have said. But I couldn't think of what that could have been (I still can't). A minute or so later, I watched his limousine drive away. I stood at the door for a few more minutes, trying to figure out what had happened.
And that's where I am right now.
I should probably end my entry here, because there's really nothing else I can think of to say. But somehow, I don't want to leave it at that. I'm still getting that feeling that there's something more that needs to be said, but I can't figure out what it is.
Maybe it's as simple as, I'm sorry.
That's it, isn't it? I'm sorry. Not "I'm sorry," as in I've done something necessarily wrong and need to apologize, but "I'm sorry" as in, "I have regrets." And (after sitting here staring at the page for fifteen minutes) I can think of two of them, although they seem completely contradictory.
My first regret is that I'm giving up. I'm not a quitter. So it makes me angry and frustrated to realize that I have to give up trying to figure out Atobe. After this evening, it's become clear that he's even more complicated than I thought he was. And that fact in and of itself makes me want to try harder to understand him. But I'm giving up. It's the only logical decision, because pursuing this any further would probably lead to a lot of wasted time and needless frustration.
My second regret is that I went back to the original plan at all. Before I left to make the tea, honestly, everything was pleasant. I almost don't care if he was being fake; he was acting nice, and I actually enjoyed talking to him. If he's going to act, why can't he just act like that more often? I don't understand him.
There are so many things I don't understand right now. Why was Atobe acting the way he was? Why didn't things go the way I thought they would? Why do I feel like such an idiot right now? And what exactly happened this evening?
I get the funny feeling that this was just one of those events that I could only understand if I looked back on it a year or so from now. But I have no idea what would happen within the next year that could possibly explain it.
真田弦一郎
Sanada Genichiroh
…
１月２１日日曜日
Sunday, January 21st
Yes, I survived the evening with Sanada, and no, there was no actual harm done to my person for the entire duration of my visit. The strange thing is that I don't feel the slightest bit of relief about this… In fact, all I feel is incredibly depressed, which is starting to be a rather disturbing trend for me, as far as this month is concerned. But I suppose that I should try to explain all of this from the beginning, assuming that I still have the events locked securely enough in my memory.
Well, I started the journey to Sanada's house during the afternoon. Needless to say, it took a long time to get to the outskirts of Kanagawa, and even longer to find the place where Sanada's house is located. (It really is in the middle of nowhere. As in, the middle of a forest that may as well be called Nowhere. And I'm only half-joking.) So I had to endure an incredibly long car ride in my limousine, with absolutely nothing to distract me except my own thoughts. And it should go without saying that, while I may have been extremely nervous yesterday, I was making myself a thousand times more nervous about the situation while I was sitting there. All kinds of questions kept racing through my head…
What were we going to talk about, during all of that time alone in his house? Was there a specific reason that he had invited me over, or was this just some kind of inside joke, like my idea to take him out to lunch on Tuesday? Was it possible that this was part of Yukimura's plan as well, even though Sanada had implied that Yukimura didn't know about it? Were we going to get into some kind of horrible fight again, the kind of thing that was going to make me wish that I had just lied to him and said that I wasn't available?
Well, I don't really know what happened, but it didn't take long before I felt like a nervous wreck, which is so completely unlike my usual self-confidence that it scared me. And by the time that I got out of the limousine and took a look at the foreboding structure in front of me, it was all I could do to stand there shivering in the cold, while I tried to force myself to go up to the front door. I finally took a deep breath, in an effort to convince myself that there was nothing to worry about, and walked up to ring the doorbell.
The next thing I knew, Sanada was opening the door, and my heart actually skipped a beat. I don't know what I was expecting, but Sanada greeting me in the traditional Japanese yukata (and without that ever-present hat) was not quite what I had envisioned. And the sudden shock of this reality had an interesting side effect; I suddenly felt like this person in front of me was the real Sanada, and that the one who always walks around with his face covered by a cap brim was just a poor imitation. I'm still not sure exactly what I meant by that, but he just looks so completely at home in Japanese clothes. After all, it should have been strange to see him dressed like that, since even Tezuka isn't that traditional, but it wasn't. I truly can't explain it in words; I just felt it.
And suddenly, I didn't feel quite as nervous as I had before. Of course, I was still feeling very much out of my element, but I was suddenly interested to see more of this house that Sanada had obviously grown up in. And just like it is with Tezuka's house, the second that I stepped inside, I felt as though the building itself was somehow evocative of Sanada's personality. A strong, sturdy kind of place, so quiet that the walls speak for themselves and completely remove the need for unnecessary chatter… Well, I don't really have the energy to wax poetic right now, but I believe I've made myself clear.
Anyway, he commented that I was early, and volunteered to take my coat while I was removing my shoes. He also added that dinner was almost ready, which answered at least one of my questions from the previous evening… Sanada Genichiroh had actually cooked our meal himself. I believe that I voiced some sort of surprise about this fact, but he just responded by saying that he couldn't cook very much. I was genuinely surprised at how modest and hospitable he was being to me; I'm not sure what I expected, but it was a pleasant change from our usual interaction. And then he led me into the dining room and told me to wait there while he went into the kitchen.
Of course, it was one of those extremely traditional Japanese dining rooms, which meant that there wasn't a single chair to be found in the place. I have to admit, I almost winced upon making this discovery; I always have trouble with kneeling on the floor like that, since I'm not used to the position at all. My legs usually fall asleep in the space of about five minutes, and it takes a great deal of composure to maintain my dignity when I finally try to stand up again. Still, I resigned myself to my fate and sat down on the floor, attempting to make myself comfortable. They even had one of those kotatsu heaters set up, just like every perfect Japanese family that you see in pictures.
And as I was sitting there under the kotatsu and taking a look at my surprisingly peaceful surroundings, the strangest feeling came over me. Even now, I'm not sure how to describe it… It was almost like I was suddenly wrapped in a kind of warmth, some sort of gentle embrace that I've never felt before. And I started leaning in toward the blanket, and the strangest thought came into my head… "Don't let go." I still don't know what that feeling was, but at the time, I couldn't help wishing that it would never go away. As I think back on it, though, I realize that this was just an incredibly strange train of thought. I don't know what came over me.
Well, the next thing I knew, Sanada came back into the room, and I shot back up into my normal sitting position like a rocket. After all, the last thing I needed was for Sanada to ask me why I was cozying up to the heater like an affection-starved kitten, when even I didn't know the answer. He didn't seem to notice, though; he was too busy laying out the food. And I have to admit, my mouth dropped a little. He kept putting plate after plate onto the table, and everything was steaming hot and looked at least as good as the kind of thing that you can order in a restaurant. I tried to express my astonishment by saying something to the affect of, "I thought you said that you didn't cook much." He replied that this was basically all he knew how to make, but for someone who's never even made his own toast, it still looked like a lot.
I mentioned this to him, and then the strangest thing happened… I suppose that he found my comment about toast amusing, because he actually smiled.
Sanada Genichiroh smiled.
I am not going to lie or understate the matter, because that would ruin something that in all honesty I don't ever want to forget. And the thing that I don't want to forget is this… Sanada is absolutely gorgeous when he smiles. As stern and rigid as he looks for every other second in his solemn existence, in that single moment when a smile melts away that menacing frown, he is a truly beautiful person. If there ever was a fixed point in time where Yukimura lost his heart to Sanada Genichiroh, it must have been when he was smiling. I am completely convinced of this fact.
Anyway, I was starting to feel a little nervous again by this point, so I refocused my attention on the screen doors beside the table. And before I even knew what I was saying, I mentioned that it was snowing. I almost surprised myself, because I never would have expected that you could see the snow falling on the other side of a door. But I suppose that when your door is made out of paper, such a thing can become possible. Well, Sanada noticed what I was talking about, and he said something about how he had always liked the way that falling snow looked through the screen. I couldn't help agreeing with him; I told him that it was beautiful.
What I really meant to say was that everything that I could see in that moment was beautiful.
I don't remember much of our conversation after that; it consisted mostly of that pleasant sort of interchange where you don't remember a thing that was said, but you still know that you enjoyed the discussion. We had already started eating by that point, and I have to say that everything was delicious. I usually prefer Western-style cuisine to Japanese food, but when it comes to the dishes that Sanada made, I wouldn't mind eating like that every evening. And the situation continued like that for the rest of the meal; we were just eating and talking, and even laughing a little. But then suddenly, it hit me…
I was truly happy.
This was the very last thing that I would have expected to feel during a conversation with Sanada Genichiroh. I actually had to think about it for a moment, to decide if it was really possible that I could feel that way, when I had been so nervous about coming over to his house in the first place. But it was true… We weren't acting like enemies anymore. In fact, we were talking almost like we were good friends, or at least very cordial acquaintances. And this was exactly what I had wished for, when I mentioned that I was tired of fighting with him all of the time. So I finally relaxed; I forgot to worry about why Sanada had invited me over, and I just enjoyed the meal and the warmth inside his house, like any normal guest would.
Unfortunately, the illusion didn't last very long.
It started out normally enough; Sanada went back into the kitchen to make some green tea for the both of us. And I was just sitting there, smiling to myself and thinking that maybe I should invite him over to my house someday, since this had gone so well. It would be interesting to try to impress him, since I have a feeling that Sanada isn't very easy to impress… In any case, it wasn't long before Sanada came back with the tea, and he sat down again and asked me if I was playing tennis again this year.
Well, of course I said that I was; in fact, I was a little surprised that he was even asking. But I returned the question, and he returned my answer. And something about the way he said it made me think of how disciplined he is about everything, so I guessed out loud that he must have already started training for next season. He confirmed my assumption, and I said something about how he's always so focused. But then he said something that I didn't quite follow… He said that he felt that it was important to keep one's goals in mind, but that he didn't expect me to understand that.
I asked him what he meant, but he just said that he thought that I have a tendency to lose sight of my goals. By this point, I was truly confused, and even a little offended. What did he mean by that, anyway? I told him that I certainly do have goals, but perhaps he simply doesn't understand them. I wouldn't have been surprised to discover that this was the case; my goals are often hard for others to understand, and sometimes even a bit difficult for me to explain out loud. But he didn't pay much attention to my reply. Instead, he told me that he thought that my only goal seemed to be making enemies. And when I asked him to clarify what he meant, all he said was, "Isn't that what you tried to do to Tezuka?"
I think that my heart actually sank lower in my chest when he said that. Now I could see what he was trying to say, and the reality was that it was just another way of picking a fight with me. He never did approve of my rivalry with Tezuka, despite the fact that he had never even tried to understand the real reason for my competitive behavior. And in that moment, I suddenly realized that everything I had just been feeling was a fantasy.
Sanada and I aren't friends. We never will be friends, because he doesn't have the slightest interest in being a friend to someone like me. He probably thinks that I'm a terrible person, simply because I have a large ego and a rather underdeveloped sense of sympathy. He must think that there is nothing more to Atobe Keigo than talent, wealth, and a heap of adoring fans. He is truly convinced that I am a heartless snob.
Meanwhile, Sanada was still asking me why I seem to have what he called "a fixation with antagonizing people." And I didn't know how to tell him the answer. Part of me just wanted to yell at him and demand to know whether he actually thought that I enjoyed making enemies all the time, when the fact of the matter is that I don't know any other way to get the attention of someone as perfect as Tezuka. And the other half of me just didn't want to answer at all. So I tried to express my thoughts as best as I could, but my voice sounded almost too quiet to even be heard.
All I said was, "Well… That's all I can do."
And that is all I can do. I would be a fool to think that I can do anything else, when it comes to interacting with people that I admire. I am not humble enough to admit that I want to get to know someone, and so if I cannot charm them with my good looks or my talent or my money, there is nothing that I can do to get their attention except antagonize them. After all, it would be stupid to expect that someone like me could be friends with just anyone; I learned a long time ago that all the money in the world cannot buy a person's affection. And by the time that I entered junior high school, I had learned to accept this fact. I truly believed that it was better to make someone hate you than to be ignored completely.
The only thing that finally forced me to change my mind was the fact that Tezuka always refused to hate me. And since that time, I have been fortunate enough to gain his friendship, and I know now that being able to call him my friend is a hundred thousand times better than simply getting his attention.
But I would be a fool to ever expect that to happen again.
I didn't let myself think about this subject for very long during the discussion with Sanada… I knew that if I did, I would probably get careless with my words again and say too much. It was clear, after all, that he was still looking for some way to attack me, and I really didn't want to give him that chance. So I looked back at the screen door, and I suddenly asked if I could see the garden that I assumed was beyond it. Luckily for me, Sanada agreed and stood up to open the door. So I tried to stand up as well.
I say "tried" because my legs had obviously fallen asleep at this point, a detail that I had completely forgotten to anticipate. And my legs nearly gave out from under me; it felt as though my knees had suddenly gone weak, and I had to stumble forward just to keep from falling over. Much to my surprise, Sanada actually had enough concern to ask me if I was alright. But I just told him that I was fine and took a moment to gather myself together before heading out onto the porch. I wasn't about to ask for help from him, not when I had barely avoided humiliation in getting my hopes up about something that was obviously impossible. No, I preferred to hold onto my dignity, if nothing else.
We stood out on the porch like that for a long time, just watching the snow fall. I didn't say a word, and of course neither did he. I was mostly thinking about what I have already mentioned, and how I hate the fact that the only thing I seem to be able to do is to antagonize people, when what I truly want from them is something else entirely. And suddenly, the most depressing thought came into my mind: "This is how it will always be."
And that is nothing but the truth. It was my own choice, of course, but I have built a life for myself in which I can rely on nothing except my own strength. And because of this, I cannot admit that I am lonely, and I cannot reveal my innermost thoughts. That would be showing weakness, and I have decided never to show my weakness to anyone. And so Sanada is right; from his perspective, I am nothing but a heartless snob. The only thing that he will ever see is that pretentious front of mine, that shallow device that I use to put on a grand show and act like the king of the universe.
It would probably amuse him to know that the "king of the universe" is miserable.
It took me a long time, but I eventually realized that I was shivering all over. I don't think I've ever felt quite so cold… I wasn't wearing a coat, and the contrast between the freezing weather and the much warmer dining room was a drastic one. And my thoughts were running away with my reason again; I started to think that the part of me that was truly cold was on the inside. And something inside of me was thinking: "Well, that's just how it is. You'll never get warm again."
I don't quite know why, but I suddenly said what I was feeling out loud: "It's cold." Much to my surprise, Sanada handed me his haori, presumably to help keep me warm. I wanted to refuse it, since I was trying to convince myself that the last thing I needed was help from him, of all people. But in the end, I just accepted it and thanked him. And I finally did stop shivering, which came as something of a relief to me. I don't think that Sanada even noticed, but I didn't really want him to see me shaking in the cold like that.
I don't know how much longer we stood out there, but I finally decided that I couldn't stay there any longer. So I told him that I had to leave. He led me to the front door again, and I gave him back his haori and put on my own coat. He actually thanked me for coming, of all things, and I thanked him for having me. And then we just looked at each other, and there was this absolutely terrible pause. I felt like I should be saying something, anything at all, but I knew that the next meaningful thing that came out of my mouth would likely be something that I would regret forever. So I simply said goodbye and walked out to my limousine.
And as the vehicle started down the road, I actually found myself looking through the back window of the car, just staring at that familiar figure standing there in the doorway. I don't really know why, but I felt horribly depressed during the ride home, and the truth is that I haven't felt any better since then. It's just so completely unlike me, that I don't have the slightest idea what to do about it. I never used to get like this when an unpleasant thought crossed my mind; I would just dismiss it as inconsequential and move on with my plans and ambitions. I know that I have realized lately that there must be more to life than just achieving one's goals, but to dwell on a problem that I cannot fix is nothing but a waste of time. And yet I'm still sitting here, wasting my time by writing about it, and thus making my mood even worse than it was to begin with.
If I had enough energy to be my usual cynical self, I would say this is all some part of Yukimura and Sanada's sadistic plot to drive me to suicide, but even I'm not that delusional. Besides, they would have to be truly psychic or even omniscient to know about such a thing, because up until now I wasn't even aware of it myself.
I had no idea just how empty and cold my life really is, but this evening has proven it to me beyond a doubt. Even someone as stiff as Sanada Genichiroh has close friends and a boyfriend and a warm, pleasant house.
But even so, this is all I can do.
Isn't it?
Sincerely,
Atobe Keigo
跡部景吾
Footnotes:
1 haori: A traditional piece of Japanese clothing used mostly in winter time. It's worn over a yukata or kimono almost like a coat.
2 yukata: The basic traditional Japanese robe, made out of cotton; in winter one would wear more than just a yukata, but Atobe was more generally referring to the style of traditional Japanese housewear.
3 kotatsu: A heating device used on a Japanese-style table, combined with a futon blanket. If you want an exact description of how it is set up, look it up on Wikipedia, like all good things.