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Authors' Notes: Hi, again, everyone! Here's the next chapter. We hope you enjoy it. (Especially the last two entries. XD) Please review and tell us what you think! We'll smother you with love and flower showers. (We're tired. We don't know what we're saying anymore.)
１月２２日月曜日
Monday, January 22
Today was somewhat boring, so I'm not sure what to write about. I felt a little out-of-focus all day; nothing seemed to hold my attention for very long, not even my own thoughts.
Yukimura and I both helped with tennis practice today. We'd mostly been asked to observe, and there wasn't much we had to help with. (Akaya is doing a surprisingly good job at being captain so far; he's really stepped up to the plate.) So we spent most of the time talking as we watched. He was telling me all about last night's adventures in babysitting his little sister, and he asked me what I had been doing. I was kind of worried he might ask.
I figured I should be honest with him, so I told him that I'd invited Atobe over for dinner. He started asking me a ton of questions, but I think he could tell that I didn't really want to talk about it. Eventually, he just dropped it.
That's about all that happened today worth mentioning (if it even was worth mentioning). So now I don't know what to do with the rest of this evening. I don't have any more studying I could possibly do, and it's way too early to go to bed.
I might try meditating again, but when I tried that earlier, I couldn't focus. I attempted using Grandfather's technique of pondering beautiful things, but all my mind could seem to come up with was falling snow. And as I was thinking about it, it started to seem less beautiful and became more dull and grey. I even started to feel a little cold. Then I just stopped because I was bored.
That's crazy, isn't it? Meditating isn't supposed to be interesting. But suddenly, it just seemed pointless. So I got up and went to help Mother with dinner, even though the last thing I felt like doing was cooking food.
Maybe I'll just go to bed.
真田弦一郎
Sanada Genichiroh
…
１月２２日月曜日
Monday, January 22nd
Today was a perfectly awful day. The weather was horrible, and every little thing that went wrong at school did nothing except get on my nerves.
I missed one point on my math test because I forgot to transfer the answer correctly, which I didn't notice when I received my grade. But since I was certain that I had the right answer, I went up to the teacher after class and told her that she was the one who was wrong. Well, by the time that she realized what I was talking about and explained that I had simply failed to re-write it correctly on the answer sheet, I was so worked up that I almost yelled at her. Instead, I gave her a searing lecture on the stupidity of marking someone down for a mechanical error. I think I actually scared her; she changed my grade and even apologized, as though she had been the one in the wrong.
And then there was lunch period, which usually helps improve my mood. This time, though, it just made it worse. We were sitting there eating lunch (well, in all honestly, I was barely eating), and Ootori kept sneaking kisses from Shishido behind the piano. And the way that Shishido kept blushing and grumbling in protest made it virtually impossible to ignore what they were doing. It was nauseating, frankly, and I finally couldn't take it anymore and snapped at them, with something along the lines of "Get a room, you idiots."
At that point, I left the room, shoved the majority of my lunch back into my locker, and went to take a walk outside. I wasn't hungry anyway, and I thought that maybe some time to myself would help me relax. Well, the freezing weather did force my anger to cool back down to room temperature, but then I felt absolutely horrible about the way that I had been acting. Why do I treat people like that? After all, they have feelings, too; just because I was having a bad day doesn't give me an excuse to treat them like dirt.
Whenever something like that happens, I always try to think of some way that I could make it up to the people that I offended. But the truth is that I can never think of a good solution. I have a feeling that they would just laugh if I tried to say I was sorry; they would either say that it "wasn't a big deal" or they would assume that I didn't really mean it. And given the fact that it would take a lot of effort on my part to actually humble myself enough to apologize, I always manage to convince myself that it isn't worth the energy. But then what am I supposed to do instead? You can't really make it up to someone by just giving them a present or money; material objects cannot mend someone's feelings. The truth is that I've never found a good solution for such situations.
I suppose that this is the kind of problem that tends to convince people that I am a heartless snob. It also makes it nearly impossible to have close friends, unless they really don't take offense at those kinds of things… How can you make a true friend if you feel that it would be too humiliating to apologize after a fight? It's not like I've absolutely never apologized to anyone before, but I can only do it in drastic situations when I am obviously in the wrong. And it's only when I already feel like that person is a friend, because I know that they won't make fun of me for it. It's a vicious cycle, honestly, and I have nothing to blame for it except my own pride.
Anyway, like I said before, I started to feel horribly depressed again while I was outside. I think it's this awful weather… It's ugly and gray and freezing cold, and there's ice all over the sidewalks. And the snow doesn't even look pretty; it's just a dirty, half-melted mess covering the even dirtier and completely barren ground. So I didn't really feel any better by the time that I went back inside to go to class.
Eventually, though, I decided that I would try to find some of my teammates after class was over. Even if I couldn't apologize to Shishido and Ootori out loud, I could at least invite everyone to come to my house for the afternoon. Well, I did happen to overhear the individuals in question, but they were already talking to Gakuto and Oshitari. And Oshitari was saying something in his ironic voice, about how it would be "the usual double-date," and Shishido mumbled something about how "it's annoying that you always feel the need to call it a date." And then Gakuto interrupted with, "If you're going to a café after school with your boyfriend, Shishido, then yes, it's called a date." So it was obvious that they had already made plans. At that point, I just gave up and headed home.
Well, to sum it all up, today was horrible. Class was horrible, lunch was horrible, and especially that damned snow all over the ground was horrible. Feeling cold and lonely all day long was horrible. Wasting time alone in my room for the entire evening was horrible.
Of course, being completely unable to stop thinking about that stupid dinner with Sanada Genichiroh was the most horrible thing of all. But to waste a single sentence on that catastrophe would be the poisonous icing on top of the stale, rotting cake that was this day, so I refuse to do it.
Sincerely,
Atobe Keigo
跡部景吾
…
１月２３日火曜日
Tuesday, January 23
I had trouble sleeping last night. I don't know why; I just couldn't seem to get comfortable.
Because of that, it's been a really long day for me. It was just one of those days that seems impossible to get through, and all you want to do is go home and sleep. I don't have days like that often, but I hate it when I do.
Everyone noticed, too. During lunch hour, Nioh entertained himself by poking me at random intervals and saying, "Hey! Wake up!" I wasn't sleeping; I was just having trouble paying attention. Yagyuu agreed with me when I told Nioh that it wasn't funny, but he seemed to get a kick out of it and continued doing it anyway. I think he was spurred on by the stifled giggles of Marui and Akaya. Those two are really not helpful in situations like that.
Yukimura and Renji seemed concerned. They both asked me, at different times, what was wrong. I didn't have any answer besides the fact that I didn't sleep well. And as for why that was, I didn't have any answer at all.
When I got home, I went straight to my bedroom and slept until dinner. Again, taking naps is very odd for me, but it felt nice after a long day like today. Grandfather even let me skip my kendo lesson; when I asked him why he didn't wake me, he told me that it looked like I needed the sleep. I just hope that it won't affect my ability to sleep tonight.
Once again, I have nothing more to say.
I don't understand it. A couple days ago, when I hardly found the time to write, I was able to write pages upon pages about a single day, and still feel like I hadn't said enough about it. Now that I have all the time I could possibly want, and nothing else to do with it, I can't come up with anything. I guess it makes sense, though; if nothing happened, there's nothing to write about. But if the day has been full, of course I'd have a lot to talk about.
This is how bored I am. I'm stating the obvious, just to waste time.
I suppose there are other ways to waste time than writing. It's snowing right now. I think I'll go make some green tea for myself, and maybe sit on the back porch and watch the snow fall for a while. That sounds nice.
真田弦一郎
Sanada Genichiroh
…
１月２３日火曜日
Tuesday, January 23rd
I felt a little better today. Even though my day at school wasn't exactly perfect, it was certainly better than yesterday turned out to be. I'm grateful for that.
I still have to admit, though, that my classes were nothing but an extended exercise in boredom. This is irritating, because it means that I have a tendency to just sit there in my seat and let my mind wander. And I've been trying to stop my mind from wandering as much as possible, because right now it inevitably results in wasting even more of my thoughts by contemplating the evening I spent at Sanada's house. And thinking about that night makes me extremely depressed, which then puts me in a terrible mood, and finally results in a horrible cycle involving being rude to others and overly hard on myself. Needless to say, I don't want to get caught in that trap again.
Still, I couldn't stop myself from thinking about it completely. And so I have to admit that I was feeling somewhat miserable by the time that lunch period came around. But I wasn't about to let yesterday repeat itself, so I decided that I would do my best to be as pleasant as I could during lunchtime.
Well, I walked into the music room, and everyone else was already in there, talking and eating lunch. And it's not like they were being unfriendly to me; a few of them even said hello and then continued talking as though absolutely nothing happened yesterday. I felt terrible, but I tried to play along with them for a few minutes. Even so, they all seemed almost wary of me, and that made me feel even worse. So I finally took a deep breath and just said it: "Shishido, Ootori, I've been meaning to apologize to you for yesterday. I suppose that you could say I was in a bad mood."
For a brief moment, there was this incredibly awkward pause, and they all just looked at me. And then Jiroh said the strangest thing: "I told you so."
Well, I didn't understand what he was talking about, and I couldn't help asking him about it. But he just said that he was talking to everyone else… I still didn't understand, not until Gakuto finally spoke up: "When you left yesterday, we all started wondering what was wrong. You seemed pretty upset."
Apparently, they had all been debating whose fault it was, but Jiroh kept insisting that I was just in a bad mood and that it didn't have anything to do with them. Of course, I was quick to confirm this assumption, even though I was slightly worried that they would ask what had put me in a bad mood in the first place. (I certainly didn't want to tell them about dinner with Sanada… I can only imagine what they would say about that.) But they never asked. Instead, Shishido said something along the lines of "Hey, it happens to everybody. You okay now?" (I reproduce his awkward syntax only because it doesn't sound like Shishido with proper grammar.)
Of course, I said yes. And in retrospect, it was nothing but the truth. I may still be in a somewhat depressed frame of mind, but I do feel much better than I did yesterday. And the conversation I had with my friends during lunch was a key reason for this. After all, part of the reason that I was so depressed yesterday was simply because I thought I didn't have any true friends. Well, I was a fool to forget that I do have friends, the kind of people who know me well enough to see beyond my outward appearance and realize that something is bothering me. And they're also the kind of friends who will forgive me when I make a mistake. In fact, they have forgiven me for many mistakes in the past, and in the end, they don't seem to think any less of me for it.
So Atobe Keigo may not have a boyfriend or a warm, welcoming house, but he does have close friends after all.
I suppose that is at least one thing that I was wrong about, when it comes to my experience at Sanada's house. Now I only wish that I had been wrong about the rest of it.
Sincerely,
Atobe Keigo
跡部景吾
…
１月２４日水曜日
Wednesday, January 24
Today was not a much better day than yesterday. I wasn't as tired, but I still found it difficult to focus during class.
That doesn't happen to me often. I'm usually good at listening and paying attention to the lesson. But today, our teacher sounded vaguely like a broken record. I remember thinking how pointless the lesson seemed, and then ten minutes later, I realized that I couldn't remember a single thing she had said.
Once again, Renji asked me if I was alright. This time I didn't even have the excuse of not sleeping well. (I actually didn't sleep particularly well, but it wasn't horrible. I've functioned better on less sleep than that.) So I just told Renji honestly that I didn't know.
After school, I asked Yukimura if he wanted to go out to dinner with me. I thought it might make me feel better. But he said that he couldn't—just my luck. Come to think of it, he never said why he couldn't… I probably should have asked him. I guess I just wasn't in the mood to hear what sort of thing he'd be entertaining himself with while I sat at home and nearly died from boredom. Lately, it always seems like he's doing something. Today, he even seemed like he was a little distracted by something he was thinking about. I still wish he'd just tell me things like that.
Now that I'm home, I have nothing to do. I'm forcing myself not to sleep until it's actually time to go to bed. But right now, I'm almost too bored to do anything. It doesn't seem fair; I'm so bored that I don't even have the energy to solve the problem.
Oh, and note to self: sitting outside and watching the snow fall does not help anything. When I did that yesterday, I ended up sitting out in the cold for several hours, even though it was nothing but depressing. I never used to understand people who suffer from depression; I always thought that it seemed like there was something they could do about it. Get out, do some exercise, find a hobby, make friends… something. But I think I understand now. Once you start sitting around and letting the gloom creep in, it's really hard to stop. I don't even know what I was moping about, but I found it comfortable somehow. My mother had to come get me and tell me to come inside so I wouldn't catch a cold.
It's not snowing right now anyway.
I'm going to go to my father's study and steal one of his books to read. I don't care what it's about; it could be about economics or science or something boring like that. Right now, I think I'd just rather hear someone else's words in my head instead of my own thoughts.
真田弦一郎
Sanada Genichiroh
…
１月２４日水曜日
Wednesday, January 24th
Today was an incredibly boring day; I feel almost as though I crawled through it on all fours, while everything else around me moved in slow motion. But I suppose that a boring day is better than a terrible one, and I will always settle for monotony over a nightmare. (Of course, at the beginning of this month, I was singing a completely different tune on the subject… But a few completely awful days have convinced me otherwise.)
In any case, the fact that the day was so boring means that I have virtually nothing to write about, except my own thoughts as I let my mind wander throughout all of my classes. And I think that I have finally come to the place where I can think more rationally about what happened on Sunday, when I went over to Sanada's house for dinner. I can't exactly say that it has become a pleasant thing to contemplate, but it no longer ruins my mood for the rest of the day.
One thing that I have been wondering about is that particular event's place in the strange series of circumstances that have been occurring lately. What is especially odd about this one is that it doesn't seem consistent with the alleged "coincidences," those times when I would meet Sanada without expecting it. For one thing, both Sanada and I were prepared for it. We both knew in advance that this event would be occurring, so it can't be called a coincidence at all.
What's more, Sanada almost never seemed to know what was going on during the previous confrontations, whereas he appeared to be the one who was initiating this particular meeting. And even if I were to assume that Sanada and Yukimura are working together, and that he has simply been faking his oblivious attitude up until now, that wouldn't explain their sudden change in strategy. Besides, this is the first time that any part of the event seemed like it was rehearsed… That conversation about tennis certainly appeared to be something that Sanada had prepared in advance, just to make me upset.
But why? If Sanada really is an active perpetrator of this scheme, when I had simply assumed that it was all Yukimura's fault, then this situation makes even less sense than it did before. (If that's possible.) If that's true, then the only conceivable motive for such a plot seems to be to make me feel as miserable as I can, which would make this whole situation terribly childish. (You don't have a boyfriend, Atobe. You don't have any friends at all, Atobe. You're a horrible person, Atobe. We like to invite you over to our big, empty houses and write creepy letters just to freak you out, Atobe.)
… And the more I think about it, the more that this idea seems completely out of character for them both. Honestly, I'm just about ready to give up trying to understand what is going on. Whatever it may be, it's clearly too complicated for me to grasp. (And then again, it might be one of those things that's so incredibly simple that you can only figure it out if you created it, like nearly every puzzle ever devised.)
There is one other thing that I've been trying to figure out, and that's why Sanada Genichiroh seems to have this uncanny ability to put me on edge. I have already admitted that I find him attractive, but that certainly doesn't explain why every little thing he says either gets on my nerves or penetrates my heart. In fact, the more I think about what happened on Sunday, the more I wonder why I was so upset by the time that I left. In all honesty, Sanada never said anything very terrible to me, and yet the whole incident managed to bother me so much that I have been depressed for three days straight.
In the end, maybe what bothers me about it is the fact that Sanada could get away with saying whatever he wanted to say about me, and I couldn't really retaliate. After all, my opinion doesn't matter to him in the least, so if I said something bad to him, he would simply ignore it. And besides, what could I say about him that would be so terrible? It's irritating, how generally perfect he is. He may not be the most socially competent person in the world, but when it comes to what truly counts, he doesn't seem to have to a single weakness.
Of course, it goes without saying that I am uniquely qualified to confirm this assumption. And it's true… I have looked for a weakness in Sanada Genichiroh before, especially when I challenged him to a tennis match at the Junior Selection camp during the summer. But what disturbs me is that I could not find a single weak point in him. Still, at the time, I was obviously more focused on finding a weakness in his tennis game. It does make me wonder whether or not looking for a weakness in his personal life would yield any kind of result.
This is something that most people who know about my infamous "insight" ability do not seem to realize… I can also see weaknesses in others that don't have anything to do with tennis. It's a more subtle kind of technique, but I can do it, especially when I have come to know the person well. However, it goes without saying that I rarely tell anyone about what I have seen; it would not only be rude but rather sadistic to use such delicate information against someone.
But it does make me curious… If I really took a good look at Sanada, what would I see? Would it just resemble that unnerving inner perfection that I have found in someone like Tezuka?
Or would I come to find out that even Sanada Genichiroh has a fatal flaw?
Sincerely,
Atobe Keigo
跡部景吾
…
１月２５日木曜日
Thursday, January 25
Today, I was reminded of something Atobe said during the conversation we had over tea when I went to his house:
"How's your boring life been since I last saw you?"
At the time, I didn't give it a second's thought, but told him that he'd answered his own question. And that's exactly how I feel right now.
I'm tired of it. Everything I do right now suddenly seems pointless. I'm never satisfied. It's like being hungry and never full. And what I hate even more is that I feel this way at all. What right do I have to feelings like that? I should be very satisfied with my life. I have everything I need or could ever ask for. So why do I find myself wishing for more?
What more do I want?
Somehow I can't help feeling like this is Atobe's fault. The fact that I remember that one little thing he said has led me to an unsettling discovery: for some odd reason, what he says matters to me. It shouldn't, but to some extent, it does.
It explains a few things, though. I was feeling this way about two weeks ago (actually, exactly two weeks ago, now that I look back). And I was asking myself, what has happened lately that could have possibly led me to feel this way? The only thing I can think of is that inexplicably, I've been seeing a lot more of Atobe lately. So it might be that the way he insults me and looks down on me and talks about my "boring life" is actually affecting me.
It's ridiculous. Why should I care what he thinks? What does he know? I should just ignore him. On the other hand… what's really to ignore? I can't really think of anything he's said to imply that I'm deprived somehow. Nothing other than the "How's your boring life" comment…
So what is it about talking to Atobe that makes me feel like there's something missing in my life?
This might just all be because Yukimura turned me down for dinner again. His excuse (when I finally got it out of him) was that his mother promised to cook his favorite dinner tonight. Good for him. Renji offered to go and do something with me, but I was so frustrated that I sort of snapped at him and told him no.
I don't know why I did that. I should apologize to him tomorrow.
I was still angry when I got home, and I thought it might be a good idea to do something to get rid of my aggression. So I went to practice my kendo, since I missed my lesson on Tuesday. Big mistake. My movements were all wrong because I couldn't focus, and I completely knocked over my practice target, more than once. I was so frustrated that I nearly cut myself one time when I re-sheathed my katana (yes, I know, obviously that means that I wasn't doing that right either).
I must be going crazy. And I can't quite seem to convey my frustration right now in words, which is just making it worse. I hate writing. Renji was completely wrong about journaling; it doesn't help at all. Somehow it's just making me angrier. So much so that all I want to do is take my journal, run outside, throw it into the stream, and watch the black ink from the pages dissolve and run away with the water.
I wish it were that easy. I wish my words and all of my frustration could fade away and disappear in the gentle rush of the stream.
On that note, I think I'll go take my bath.
真田弦一郎
Sanada Genichiroh
…
１月２５日木曜日
Thursday, January 25th
I really must be a masochist.
I was sitting in my literature class today, attempting to stay awake by letting my thoughts wander, as I usually do. And for the first time that I can remember, I actually found myself wishing that I could see Sanada again. Honestly, what is wrong with me? It's not as though I haven't had more than enough undeserved abuse from that inconsiderate moron. And after that incident on Sunday, I should know better than to want to set myself up for another bitter disappointment.
But even so, I couldn't help wondering what he's been doing since I last saw him. And I was just so incredibly bored in that moment… It really did seem like it would be more enjoyable to be spending my time snapping at him, rather than being forced to endure any more of those dull classes. And the truth is, no matter how horrible I may feel by the time that we finally part ways, I never can say that our confrontations are boring. Of course, I wouldn't say that I enjoy his company… No, I don't enjoy it at all, but it certainly keeps me on my toes.
I will say this, however: I enjoy Sanada's company far more than I enjoyed spending yet another dull evening alone in this gigantic house. Well, I suppose I can never really say that I am alone in my house… The vast majority of the servants are always on hand to do as I bid them, but I have long since had my fill of lectures about the impropriety on mingling with servants. Of course, my father was working late, and my mother had gone out to meet with some famous designer or other. (She is commissioning him to design a new gown for some upcoming gala that she will be attending with my father, the purpose of which I have entirely forgotten.) And even my grandparents had gone out to dinner for the evening, so I truly was the only member of my family present in the house.
I was so bored that I actually started to contemplate picking up my phone and calling random acquaintances, just to talk someone's ear off. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that I didn't even have anything to talk about. After all, this journal entry consists of nothing substantial whatsoever, except a few pointless trains of thought and the fact that I hate spending time alone in my house.
I think that I've hit a new low, as far as my social life is concerned.
Well, I should probably stop writing about nothing, if only to stop myself from thinking about the fact that I have nothing to write about. But at the very least, I will resolve to do something after school tomorrow, just to distract myself from the boredom as much as possible… Perhaps I could waste some time by going shopping downtown, even though I can't begin to imagine what I would want to buy. But anything is better than surrendering to another tedious day, isn't it?
I suppose that after this week, though, I should qualify this statement… Anything is better than another tedious day, except having dinner with Sanada. The aftermath of that kind of activity isn't even preferable to having a root canal, and I would rather have some pain and swelling in my mouth than another bad mood that lasts for a week.
Sincerely,
Atobe Keigo
跡部景吾
…
１月２６日金曜日
Friday, January 26
The craziest thing just happened to me. I'm almost not sure I should write about it, because I don't think I should dwell on it too much. You'll see why.
I suppose I should write about it, though, if only because I have nothing else to write about today.
By all rights, what happened today shouldn't have happened at all. All day today, I was still feeling a little frustrated from boredom. After school, I didn't even bother asking Yukimura if he was free for dinner. The chance that he might say yes wasn't worth the risk of another rejection. So I hardly said anything to him; I just gave him a kiss and left.
When I got to the train station, I was hit with a sudden combination of depression and frustration. The last thing I wanted to do was go home to a quiet house and have to deal with another night of crippling boredom. There is nothing that's been bothering me more than the constant silence I always seem to find in my room. So, on a whim, I hopped on a train going the other direction. Downtown Tokyo sounded like the perfect distraction; it's loud, it's busy, and it's far away, so the chance of someone I know finding me there is very low. The last thing I needed was someone asking me what the hell I was doing.
The train gets more crowded the closer you get to Tokyo. I gave up my seat to a young mother who was trying to carry both her baby and a heavy-looking shopping bag. At another stop, I kept the door from closing on a man who seemed to be in a hurry to get on. I know those are little things, but they made me feel a little better. Like what I was doing wasn't completely pointless. Hopefully, at least in the case of those two people, I made someone's day.
I got off at the first station I felt familiar with. Then I had to figure out what I was going to do, now that I'd made such a long trip. And the strangest thought occurred to me. So I walked (almost ran) to the park where I had planned on meeting Yukimura a couple Sundays ago.
I'm still not sure why I decided to do that. But I didn't start asking myself why until I got there. Almost no one was around, and I felt suddenly disappointed. I was standing by the fountain, trying to figure out why I'd even come there in the first place. I even circled the fountain a few times. I'm not sure what I was expecting.
When I think about it now, I wonder if it has something to do with the last time I was at that spot. After all, it was the place where I won my first argument against Atobe Keigo; maybe I thought something good like that might happen again. Or maybe, by going there, I hoped to get to the source of my recent frustration. Maybe that's where it all started.
Anyway, it doesn't matter really; the point is that I went there, felt vaguely disappointed, like I'd been expecting something to happen, and decided to leave.
Then, who to my wondering eyes should appear… By this point, I think you can guess.
I could have dropped dead, right there.
Heaven knows why Atobe was there. But he was. He was walking towards me, and then stopped in his tracks when he saw me. He smirked a little, tossed his head, and remarked, "Well, I haven't seen you in a while." Now that I think about it, he might have been trying to be sarcastic. Because it really hadn't been a while, especially considering that we both live in different districts. But at the time, I took him seriously. It somehow felt like it had been a while. Probably because it's been such a long, boring week.
Seeing him again sent up another wave of frustration in me. I think there were a few reasons for that. First of all, I was still feeling stupid for even being there in the first place. Secondly, why the hell was he there? And third, I knew he was going to ask me the same question, and I wouldn't be able to give him decent answer.
So I snapped at him. I asked him if he'd been wanting to see me for some reason. Of course he said he was "glad he hadn't," and I shot back, "That makes two of us." From there, we got into an argument about who should leave first. He said that I was obviously on my way out, and since he'd made such a long trip to get there (yeah, right, Atobe; what about me?), I should leave so he could stay. I argued that it shouldn't really matter; if he found me so repulsive, he might as well just leave and come back some other time. Then I asked him what he was doing there, before he had the chance to ask me first. But of course he refused to answer; he said my questions weren't worth answering. Typical Atobe; he thought that he was entitled to hear me try to explain myself before he had to, even though I asked him first.
I told him he was full of it, then asked him to leave me alone. He suggested again that I leave, instead of him. By this point, I was getting angry. I told him that I have absolutely no reason to do what he says. So typical, typical Atobe proclaimed that such a thing was obvious proof that I was stupid. And even more typical than that, he said something to the effect of, "Ore-sama will be the bigger person in this futile argument and cease to grace you with my presence." And then he tossed his head (in that extremely irritating way he always does) and started to leave.
Do you think that Sanada Genichiroh was going to let him get away with that? Guess again.
So maybe I'm not quite as smart as Atobe is. Fine. So I can't talk as fast or come up with better comebacks or bend hundreds of people to my will with my charisma alone. I don't really care. There are still a few advantages I have over Atobe. One (no matter what anyone says) is my tennis ability. Most of my other advantages fall under the same vein: physical and athletic superiority. Strength, agility, and skill.
So there were actually a few things I could have done in this case. At the moment, I couldn't think of a proper comeback, so I saw very quickly that I wasn't going to get lucky again and win the argument with words. But I didn't have a tennis racquet or a ball or any sort of lethal weapon on hand, so what did I do?
I threw a snowball at him.
It was the perfect shot, too. It hit him right above the center of his back, between his shoulders. In retrospect, I should have aimed higher up his neck, so the snow would trickle down into his coat. (If he hadn't been wearing a long coat, I probably would have aimed right above his pants.)
He was speechless. It was amazing; he actually didn't know what to say. (Note to self: throw snowballs at Atobe more often. Then maybe it is possible to win a verbal argument.) He sort of stammered out the word "you," and then threw a snowball right back (idiot). It didn't even hit me.
It was downhill from there. It was just like snowball fights I used to have in elementary school, except Atobe was going on and on about the stupidity of it all. He told me that it was just like me to resort to "brute force when you can't win a logical argument." I'm not that stupid; I knew exactly what I was doing, so his statement didn't bother me at all. Instead, I returned the comment by letting him know that he throws like a girl. I was on a roll, honestly. He told me to stop aiming for his head, so I apologized, using the excuse that it was a big target. I knew he would roll his eyes at that comment. I didn't really care.
I guess at that point, I was just having fun.
It's kind of like what I said earlier, about how I'd rather be in a shouting match with him than enduring his fake kindness. It's somehow incredibly satisfying to just be able to yell at him (and even better, to throw things at him). I was smiling the whole time.
Maybe I was having a little too much fun.
To counter my repeated assertion that he throws like a girl, he said I throw "like a gorilla" and started to run away (what a coward). Of course I chased him; what else do you do in a snowball fight when someone takes off running? I'm faster than he is, so I knew I would catch up, but I still had a snowball in my hand that I wanted to take advantage of. So I lobbed it right into that perfect spot on his neck just above his scarf. His hand went there instantly, and he slowed down so he could turn around to yell at me about how cold it was, and call me a jerk. I don't think he knew how close I was to him at that point.
And here's the part I don't really want to think about.
I'm such an idiot. I don't know what I was thinking. No… I wasn't thinking. Obviously my mind had escaped me for a split second, for that fatal, important moment during which I made the stupidest decision I've made in a long time… I guess I was just over-excited from the snowball fight (which I had clearly been winning), and I tackled him, straight into the ground. Yes, that's exactly how it sounds; I had him pinned, lying in the snow, with me on top of him.
"Awkward" doesn't cut it.
It was one of those horrible moments that didn't seem quite as bad when it actually happened, but when it pops into your head later (as it often does, for some reason), you suddenly feel the urge to commit hara-kiri. Why wasn't it so bad at first? At the time, I was… well, I guess I was distracted.
Atobe Keigo is beautiful.
I really shouldn't be saying this, but somehow, I have to. He's gorgeous. I mean, I knew he was "good-looking" or at least everybody thinks so, but really. Just seeing him, lying there… He was sort of flushed from running, and breathing kind of hard… His cheeks were this perfect shade of pink; it reminded me of cherry blossoms. No, actually, they were more like pink roses; the color looked so perfect against his pale skin (which is also perfect, by the way)… And his eyes. They're as blue as the sky or calm water, yet somehow smooth and icy. Not to mention that his hair still looked perfect, even though by all rights it should have been messed up. And it was shining like silver in the sunlight, since the sun was right behind me and shining into his face.
I don't think I'll ever be able to get that picture out of my head.
Now that I've said this much, I suppose that I might as well go all the way and be completely honest. At that moment, I thought of something I really shouldn't have. I thought of the night that I was with Yukimura, when I had him underneath me, not unlike what happened today with Atobe. Except I wasn't thinking about Yukimura. I was thinking more about myself, and everything I did that night…
I'll be honest. I was horribly tempted to kiss him. I was about three inches from doing it, too. It would have been so easy to just ease downward a little into those perfect, cherry-red lips of his…
Don't get me wrong at all… I don't feel anything for him. And I know I'm being perfectly honest with myself when I say that. He's attractive, I know; but I'm well aware that feelings like that aren't love. In fact, I firmly believe that good relationships don't even need attraction. Attraction is just temporary, anyway. Real, lasting relationships thrive on nothing but love and care. How else can you expect someone to stand by you in all situations? What would happen to a relationship based on attraction if you got in a horrible accident, and lost your good looks and most of your abilities? Or even simply if you just got old?
The relationship that Yukimura and I have is the sort of relationship that would stand through all of that. We truly love each other. I am never going to leave him, and he is never going to leave me.
That said, luckily I was able to avoid disaster. I sat up, though I found it somewhat difficult to tear my eyes away for a minute. I was a little out of it, I guess; my mind and heart were racing at the time. I got up as calmly as I could, and helped him up, too. He wouldn't quite look me in the face, so I noticed that there was snow in his hair and tried to brush some of it off. (In retrospect, I feel a little guilty for even that, but it definitely wasn't as bad as some other things I could have done.) Of course he asked me what I was doing; I don't blame him, since I didn't really know. I stopped immediately, and answered, "Nothing."
At that moment, he sort of murmured my name. I guess my heart skipped a beat. I didn't realize his voice could sound so tender. I tried to ask him what was the matter, but he said, "Nothing." Then he told me he had to go, and he left without even saying goodbye.
There. I got through it. Now maybe I can stop writing, close this journal, and let it rest, and never have to think about it again.
真田弦一郎
Sanada Genichiroh
…
１月２６日金曜日
Friday, January 26th
After what just happened to me today, I have come to a very important conclusion: I really need to stop assuming that this situation with Sanada cannot get any stranger than it already is.
I have come to this conclusion because Sanada keeps proving me wrong.
Still, I should explain this seemingly random declaration… Well, as I mentioned in my previous journal entry, I had made a resolution to occupy myself in some way or another this afternoon. I finally decided to go downtown, with the intent of doing some window shopping in an attempt to amuse myself. Of course, it didn't take long for me to realize that there wasn't a single thing in the entire shopping district that I wanted. So I was standing there, trying to decide what I should do next. (It was only five o'clock or so.) And then the strangest thought came into my head…
That fountain where I had met Sanada before, in one of those infamous "coincidences," was just down the street.
Well, I don't know what came over me. But suddenly, I wanted to go see that fountain again. Logically, this should have been one of the last places that I wanted to visit, since it was one of the many locations where I had been verbally abused without any cause by that clueless imbecile. Even so, I don't know… I had already spent yet another gray, dull, depressing day, listening to teachers drone on and on about things that I already understand, and trying to pretend that I cared enough to stay awake…
I suppose that I was longing for some excitement.
But in all honesty, that thought didn't make the slightest bit of sense, either. After all, what excitement could there be in going to look at a frozen, abandoned fountain? It wasn't like Sanada was going to be there, simply because I had met him in that spot once before. Such a foolish assumption is logically impossible.
Apparently, I need to start believing in the impossible.
Yes, the most ridiculous and improbable of circumstances actually happened, once I finally made up my mind to go take a look. I walked up to the fountain, and there was Sanada, looking like he was just about to leave. Well, it only took those few seconds as I was walking up to him for all of the anxiety of Sunday night to come back to me in a rush. But I just took a deep breath and swallowed, and then I put on my usual self-composed front, as though that dinner at his house had never happened.
I don't quite remember what I said to him, but I know that I was the one who spoke first… I think it was something along the lines of, "Well, I haven't seen you in awhile." The strange thing was, I didn't mean that in a sarcastic way… Even though I had seen him less than a week ago, it felt almost like forever since I had stepped inside his house and shared a meal with him. I don't think that I realized until that moment just how long this week had felt to me.
Of course, Sanada felt the need to make a mountain out of a molehill, and demanded to know whether or not I had wanted to see him. Well, my breath almost caught in my throat, but I quickly denied it. There was no way that I was going to admit that I had actually wished that I could see him… It would have been incredibly misleading, not to mention humiliating. So I told him that I was glad that I hadn't seen him lately. Well, I admit that I was asking for a retort, and he immediately gave me one. He said something along the lines of, "That makes two of us." And just like that, I could feel all of the usual frustration that comes from interacting with that moron, building up inside of me like a steaming volcano.
I kept my outward calm, however, and told him that if that was the way he felt, he could just leave. After all, it's not like I was keeping him there. But being the stubborn mule that he is, he demanded to know why I wasn't leaving, even though it was obvious that I had just arrived and he was about to leave. I proceeded to point this out to him, but he is of course immune to the powers of logic, no matter how impeccable it may be. So he naturally refuted it by saying that this minor detail shouldn't make any difference to me, if I do in fact find him so "repulsive." (Frankly, it's hard to argue with such a perfectly true assertion… That idiot.)
Well, I tried to reason with the impenetrable brick wall, by calmly explaining that this park was quite a distance from where I live, and that I wouldn't want to waste the trip. (I didn't tell him that I was so bored with my life that I had wandered downtown in a desperate attempt to occupy myself.) And he proceeded to ask the unavoidable question: "Then why did you come here?"
What could I say to that? Nearly a thousand reasons came rushing through my head, along with at least a million excuses, but none of them would come out of my mouth. Instead, the only one that lingered on the tip of my tongue was the most ridiculous reply of all: "I was hoping that you would be here." Well, I would rather die than say such an absurd thing out loud, so I didn't even answer the question. Instead, I simply returned it, by saying that I might ask him the same thing. (Which, come to think of it, was a perfectly valid inquiry. Why was he there, anyway? It's not like I had been invited there for another setup, so there was no way that he was expecting me.)
He wasn't going to fall for my little trick, though, and he immediately pointed out that I was just trying to avoid answering him. Of course, that was exactly what I was doing, but I just snapped back that his questions weren't worth answering. (Now that I look back on it, I wonder where my usual eloquence had gone… This argument sounds like a heated exchange between a pair of kindergartners.) He demanded to know why my questions were any better than his, and I really couldn't resist the obvious response: "They're better because ore-sama asked them."
Well, that certainly got on his nerves. He told me that I was "full of it," and commanded me to just leave him alone. (Like I said, it sounded exactly like a fight on an elementary school playground… Actually, I've had more stimulating conversations with schoolyard bullies.) I think at this point, I started to realize how ridiculous this whole situation was, since it wasn't like anyone was stopping us from parting ways. So I asked him why he hadn't even tried to leave, and naturally his only excuse was the kind of thing you hear from a pouting three-year-old… "I see no reason to take your suggestions." So the only reason that he wasn't leaving was because I had reasoned logically that if he didn't want to be near me, he should leave.
What an imbecile.
I was so incredibly annoyed at this point, that I finally decided that I'd had quite enough of him for one day. I had no idea that just talking to him could be so incredibly frustrating. (It's never exactly been a walk in the park, but I can't say that I can remember him being so difficult to deal with in the past.) So I finally decided that I was going to be the one to give in, even though it was blatantly obvious that he was the one in the wrong.
So I told him that it was natural that he saw no reason to take my suggestions, since he seems to have nothing in the way of standard intelligence. And I continued by saying that it was obviously useless to reason with him, so I was therefore going to "be the bigger person and end this futile argument by ceasing to grace you with my presence."
I have to admit, I was feeling rather triumphant at this point. Even though it had been an incredibly immature argument ("You leave! No, you leave!"), I had still gotten in a decent retort and bested him in yet another verbal sparring match. And I had even attained the moral high ground in the debate, by being the one to finally give in to his completely unreasonable demands. So I started to walk away, feeling strangely pleased, almost as though winning that fight with him would make up for my horrible experience at his house on Sunday.
But my triumph lasted for about five seconds, before it was quenched by something extremely cold and wet hitting me in the middle of my back.
That dolt threw a snowball at me.
I won't go into detail about how appalled I was at having to suffer this indignity at the hands of someone with the intelligence of an amoeba. But I was actually rendered speechless. I believe I stammered out something to the effect of "…You!" And then I did the unthinkable. I sunk to his level.
I started throwing snow back at him.
Yes, Sanada and I had a snowball fight in the park. As completely immature and pointless as the verbal portion of our argument was, it only got more juvenile with each passing minute, and finally degenerated into a snow battle. He was throwing snowballs at me, and I was throwing snowballs at him, and we were yelling all kinds of stupid things at each other. At first, I said something about the fact that it was just so like him, to resort to brute force when it was obvious that he couldn't win a verbal argument against me. But that was the last logical remark for the rest of the skirmish, since his immediate retort was to say that I throw like a girl. (Which I most certainly do not.)
I don't remember half of what we were yelling at each other… I think I told him to shut up, and I said something about how I couldn't believe that I was resorting to his childish games. He then told me that my "snide remarks" were childish. In the meantime, I had been forced to dodge at least three snowballs aimed directly at my face, so I told him to stop aiming for my head. He told me it was an easy target. (Apparently this comment was derived from the colloquial expression that I "have a big head." Ha, ha, very funny. Idiot.) I think I said something about how it was "cute" that he apparently thinks that he's clever… He told me to stop calling him cute, and then he responded yet again by saying I throw like a girl, as though such a claim could become even more valid through repetition.
Well, by this point, he had slammed me in the upper arm with two gigantic white boulders in exactly the same spot, and I have to say that it was starting to hurt. I didn't exactly relish the idea of turning black and blue just because Sanada is incapable of arguing with anything other than projectile weapons. So I yelled something about how he throws like a gorilla and took off running.
I have to confess, it was not one of my finest moments.
Then again, I can't say that it was one of Sanada's finest moments either, since his animal instincts apparently started to kick in at this point. He actually started chasing after me. And it was freezing cold, and the air was stinging my lungs… And there was so much snow on the ground that it was difficult to run very fast, which was only going to make it easier for him to hit me. I knew that, and I can't say that I was relishing the idea of being slammed with yet another freezing cold ball of ice.
Well, I didn't get very far, when a bitingly cold object collided against my bare neck, and the snow started trickling down my spine. I put my hand up to it right away, trying to brush it off, but it was too late. Well, at this point, I was so annoyed that I forgot to be afraid of that killer arm of his. So I turned around while I was running and yelled something like, "You jerk! That was cold!"
But in that very moment, something else slammed against me, and the entire world spun upside down.
The next thing I knew, I was lying on my back in the snow, with Sanada on top of me. Neither of us said a word; everything in existence was holding its breath. And the only thing that I could do was stare at him, at the way that his face was flushed from the cold, and how he was breathing so hard that I could feel the warm air against my cheek. I don't even remember wondering what had happened, despite the fact that I didn't have the slightest idea why he was on top of me. But it didn't matter.
It didn't matter, because in that moment, I realized something horrible. It was so horrible that I almost forgot where I was, or what was going on. And that horrible realization was this…
I have never been as attracted to anyone, as I am attracted to Sanada Genichiroh.
It's not nearly so simple as the undeniable fact that I consider him to be a good-looking individual. It's not even as simple as the fact that I would consider him one of the most handsome people that I have ever met. No, in my eyes, Sanada is much more than that…
Everything about him is absolutely breathtaking.
I have been avoiding this truth for as long as I possibly can, but I simply cannot ignore it any longer. Every inch of his body is evidence of his inimitable strength, and the features of his face are stern, but almost majestic in their appearance. Yes, every single thing about him is as strong and dignified as an emperor's bearing.
And in that moment, every single thing about him stole the heartbeat right out of my chest.
I have absolutely no idea how long we were lying there like that, while I stared up into those beautiful brown eyes and lost myself in that piercing gaze. But it didn't take very long at all for a terribly foolish longing to take root in my heart… More than anything else, I wished that he would come just a little closer, that he would bend down just a tiny bit further and eclipse those fragile few inches of space that existed between us…
I wished that he would kiss me.
I wished that I was his.
It felt like forever, but it was probably only a few minutes before he shifted his body and stood up again. To be honest, I was so stunned that I couldn't move. But then he suddenly reached out and took me by the hand, and I felt myself being lifted up off of the ground. I think he even apologized, but it barely registered in my mind. And the next thing that I knew, I was standing up again, and we were still facing each other. It should have been nothing but awkward, but the strange thing was that I completely forgot to feel embarrassed. In that moment, I was too frightened of my own feelings to think about what had just happened. I couldn't even look at him.
And then he reached out his hand, and as softly as a breeze, he started to run his fingers through my hair. I must have had snow all over me, because I remember seeing a few of those icy flakes fall from my head and land onto the ground. But I couldn't help wondering what he was doing, and I felt my lips move as I asked him.
He didn't really reply; I think that he all he said was, "Nothing." He took his hand away, and suddenly, I realized how much I had been wishing that he would never stop. For a brief second, I lost myself… I murmured out his name, and my knees started to go weak. But then I remembered. Whatever the black magic of this moment was, it couldn't change the fact that the man in front of me was Sanada Genichiroh, who obviously considers himself to be one of my enemies, and is also one of the many people I know who already has a boyfriend. To permit myself to go any further would have been to allow myself to fall into the kind of nightmare that I have long since forsworn.
I will not fall for something unreachable. I refuse to cry for the moon.
So I told him that I had to leave, and I turned around and walked away. I never looked back; I was too afraid of what I would feel if I did. And during the rest of that long walk to my limousine, and for the entire drive home, and throughout all the hours that I have spent in my bedroom this evening, I have had only one word to say to myself…
Don't.
Don't even think about it; don't even start. Don't let yourself feel anything, don't let yourself want anything. Don't even begin to head in that direction, don't even start to walk down that one-way street…
Don't lose your heart again.
And I won't do it. I have promised myself that I will not repeat the foolish mistakes of the past. Sanada may be so attractive that he can make my heart stop beating, but he cannot steal that heart out of my chest. Simply because he is handsome does not mean that I need to go any further than this undeniable attraction that I cannot help feeling. And I will accept that, just as long as I don't have to take such a terrible feeling any further.
I will not go any further. I don't want to go any further.
I will never fall for someone like Sanada Genichiroh.
Sincerely,
Atobe Keigo
跡部景吾
Hope you enjoyed! The next chapter will be up soon!
Up next... All four of your favorite characters and some jellyfish. What's this about jellyfish, you ask? Wait and see...