Disclaimer: We don't own anything. Not PoT, or Sanada, or Atobe either. We do, however, own the subtextual jellyfish. (Don't ask.) Also, "thar be slash in these here waters."
Authors' Notes: We apologize for getting anyone's hopes up in regards to the jellyfish in this chapter. There are no actual jellyfish, just mentioning of jellyfish. We feel we must apologize, because obviously you all cared so much about the jellyfish. (Really, we just like saying the word "jellyfish.") On the bright side, though, there are sharks. Yay, sharks. And yes, this entire authors' note is just an excuse to demonstrate how sleep-deprived we are. But we do mean this part: Please review! We love reviewers! Yay, reviews! (Okay, so that wasn't very coherent either.) Hope you all enjoy the chapter, and we'll have the next oh-so-dramatic one up as soon as possible.
１月２７日土曜日
Saturday, January 27
"I'll never have to think about it again," I said yesterday, referring to the incident with Atobe in the park. "Never again." Yeah. Not so much.
It's been popping back into my head all day long. And every time it does, I still have the sudden urge to slash open my stomach. I'm not sure I can take it anymore. Even last night, when I went to bed (right after I wrote that I'd never think about it again), I kept remembering what had happened. As I result, I had a hard time getting to sleep, because every time I started to doze I'd see Atobe's face again, and I'd have to wake up to stop myself from thinking about it any further.
When I got up this morning, I had the vague feeling that I'd had a strange dream, but I don't remember it, nor do I want to try.
Despite all of that, I had a very good day. As soon as I got to school, I found Yukimura and gave him a really good kiss. (I don't know exactly why I did that, but when I saw him this morning, suddenly I really wanted to.) He asked me what had caused me to be "so worked up," but he looked happy. I just told him that I'd had the sudden urge to kiss him. When I said that, he smiled and kissed me back.
Then he suggested that we go on a date tomorrow. Of course I said yes, and I asked him where he wanted to go. He thought that the aquarium in downtown Tokyo sounded nice. (I did my best not to bristle at the mention of the location.) So we're going there tomorrow. And this time, we're going to meet at his house and take the train together. I'm excited.
Not only that, but I convinced him to go out to dinner with me tonight. When I first asked him, he sort of hesitated, but I jokingly commanded him not to say no to me. So he laughed and said okay.
Dinner was great. We got a table in the corner of the restaurant we went to, and we kept trying to sneak kisses when no one was looking. We were holding hands under the table, sometimes rubbing up against each other's feet… I know all of those things are kind of silly and childish, and anyone who's not in a relationship wouldn't understand, and would probably roll their eyes at me. But I love my boyfriend. I want to kiss him and hold him and be close to him, all the time. So it's not silly to me.
After dinner, we went out for a walk in a nearby park. It was pretty late, and the stars were already out. Yukimura suddenly seemed to get quiet. Then he mentioned that it had been a long time since we'd had this much fun on a date. I guess I had to agree. Lately, our dates have still been pleasant, but they haven't been particularly interesting, and they all sort of feel the same. But tonight I think we felt some of the old excitement coming back. He said that he'd missed it.
I saw his expression change a little; he looked really sad all of a sudden. I asked him if something was wrong. And he turned to me with that sorrowful sort of shine in his eyes, and told me that he thought he was really lucky to have me. I don't understand why he was looking at me like that. But I gave him the obvious (and true) response, which was that he wasn't as lucky as I was.
And then he said the strangest thing. He laughed a little and said, "I don't know about that." I know that's not an uncommon response to that kind of statement, but he looked kind of depressed when he said it, like he really meant it. Yukimura isn't really the kind of person to say something like that and mean it completely. He's not exactly arrogant, but he's confident, and he's never down on himself, at least not enough to think that he doesn't deserve me. I asked him what he was talking about. He replied, "It's nothing," and faked a smile.
I wish he would just tell me what he's thinking.
Then he asked me if I would hold him. I said yes, and took him into my arms. We stayed like that for a long time. It was nice; I've always loved the way it feels when I hold him. He's the perfect height to rest his head comfortably on my shoulder. I stroked his hair a little and kissed him on the forehead.
After a few minutes, I started to pull back a little so I could ask him if he wanted to go. But he pulled me back and whispered into my ear, "Don't let go of me, Sanada." So I didn't.
It was strange, the way he said that. I guess I'd say he whispered it almost desperately, like he was begging me. It's actually an odd thing to say, when you think about it; eventually, I had to let go so we could go home. So he must have meant something more than that.
"Don't let go of me, Sanada."
He doesn't have to worry. I never will.
真田弦一郎
Sanada Genichiroh
…
１月２７日土曜日
Saturday, January 27th
I had the strangest dream last night.
I'm not even sure that I want to write about it, since a huge part of me is strongly tempted to pretend that it never even happened. Unfortunately, it was the only thing that I could seem to think about all day, since my entire schedule proved to be nothing except a prolonged exercise in boredom. So if I did decide to ignore it, this journal entry would probably have to end right here, at less than five sentences in length and even less in the way of substantial content.
Well, in that case, I will explain it as quickly as I can, in the desperate hope that getting it out on paper will help me to forget it.
I believe that I was dreaming about what had happened in the park yesterday, at least at first. I remember feeling that same dizzy, lightheaded sensation, when I was falling backward onto the ground with Sanada crashing down on top of me. And just like that time, I was lying there for minutes on end, staring deep into his eyes and wishing that he would kiss me. In my dream, however, the wish did not go unfulfilled.
His lips pressed against mine, and as soon as he tried to pull away, I pulled him back down on top of me. And I don't know exactly what happened after that… We were still kissing, and there was still snow everywhere, and it should have been freezing cold to be lying in the snow like that for so long. But it wasn't; instead, it was terribly warm, and I could hardly breathe. But at the same time, it was the most beautiful feeling that I have ever experienced, even in my dreams… To be lying there like that, with my mouth against Sanada Genichiroh's lips, without any prick of conscience or sense of caution to stop me…
And then I realized that the snow was melting and turning into water around us. And that water was starting to rise, and it began to rise so quickly that it wasn't long before we were both submerged in it. And I couldn't tell whether it was the water filling my lungs or the way that he was still embracing me so tightly that was making it completely impossible to breathe. And before long, I was lost in an ocean of water; I couldn't see or feel Sanada anymore. And I just floated there, helpless and alone, and watched as my last desperate breath bubbled up toward the unreachable surface…
If this is a premonition of some kind, I shudder to think what it could possibly foretell.
In any case, I woke up gasping for breath (as you might imagine). And even though I was not as soaking wet as that dream would have subconsciously led me to expect, I was still drenched in a cold sweat so severe that I could feel it dripping down my back. Well, the first thing that I did was take a shower, and I then spent the entire rest of the day trying not to think about my dream. Needless to say, I have been failing miserably at it.
Yes, I have been failing miserably at it, and that scares me.
As I already vowed yesterday, I am determined to prevent myself from falling for someone like Sanada. After all, that kind of infatuation would be nothing but a recipe for disaster… I already know that he's taken. And besides, he's just not the right kind of person for me. All we ever do is fight and bicker with each other. If he actually was available, and we did start a relationship, we would probably spend all of our time making each other miserable. So why do my dreams insist upon betraying me, by making it even harder for me to stop thinking about him like that?
I don't know the answer to that question, but I just wish that I could find some way to forget about this whole thing.
Still, I did have one distraction today, and it was certainly an unexpected one: Tezuka gave me a call. I was very pleasantly surprised… After all, he's almost never the one to initiate a phone call, even when it comes time to schedule our usual get-togethers. In any case, we talked for a little while about what had been happening since we last saw each other. I told him about the dinner at Sanada's house, even though I skipped over the more embarrassing parts. (And I left out the incident in the park completely. I wasn't sure how to explain that fiasco.) At some point, though, I mentioned how terribly bored I had been during the week. I didn't really mean to complain, but I had hardly anything else to say, since this week had been so uneventful. But then, out of nowhere, he asked if I wanted to do something with him tomorrow.
I have to admit, I actually smiled when he said that, and I couldn't help thinking that it was kind of him. I know that Tezuka isn't nearly as cold as he seems to most people, but it's still fairly rare for him to go out of his way to make someone feel better. And so I immediately agreed… But then I realized that I didn't actually know what I was agreeing to. So I asked him if he had any particular activity in mind. He seemed to be thinking about it for a long time, and then out of nowhere, he asked, "What if we went to that one aquarium downtown? Didn't they just finish remodeling part of it?"
I was a little surprised. I couldn't remember Tezuka ever expressing a particular fondness for aquariums before, so I wouldn't have expected him to think of something like that. But it seemed like an interesting idea, and was certainly more original than our usual meetings at the coffee shop. So I told him that it sounded wonderful, and we agreed on a meeting place and a time (outside the aquarium, eleven o'clock). And before we hung up, I was careful to thank him. He made light of it, of course, but I couldn't help feeling like this was the perfect way to distract myself from thinking about what happened yesterday.
Now I can only hope that I won't have any dreams tonight.
Sincerely,
Atobe Keigo
跡部景吾
…
１月２８日日曜日
Sunday, January 28
Today wasn't as fun as I thought it was going to be.
It started out fine; I got up early and went to go pick up Yukimura at his house. The train ride was nice and relatively peaceful, since it was so early on a Sunday morning. We talked all the way to Tokyo.
The aquarium closes early on Sundays, so we knew we wouldn't be there all that long. Surprisingly, though, we got around to seeing most of the exhibits. And we were having a good time, sometimes holding hands, other times sneaking kisses (much like yesterday), and just generally enjoying each other's company.
Not long before the aquarium was supposed to close, we were in the freshwater exhibit, and I heard Yukimura say, "Oh, look!" I turned around to see what he was referring to.
I swear, if I wore cologne more often, I would have to conclude that there was some chemical in it that attracted rich egomaniacs.
But not only was Atobe there; Tezuka was with him. I found that very strange. I'd heard that the two of them had become pretty good friends, but I wouldn't have thought that they hung out together that often. They also looked like they were really enjoying themselves (which is especially odd for Tezuka). Actually, if I hadn't been hearing from Atobe so much lately, I might have even guessed that they were on a date. (Of course, such a thought would have sent me into cardiac arrest if I had any reason to believe that it were true.)
I was stunned enough as it was. Not to mention the fact that this was my first chance to get a good look at Atobe since the "incident." And I realized that I hadn't been wrong about him; it wasn't just a trick of the light or something else that made me feel the way I did when I had him underneath me. No, he was still beautiful, and I still felt oddly attracted to him.
Because of that, I wasn't exactly thrilled when Yukimura suggested that we go say hi. I tried to think of a good excuse, and I sort of muttered that they looked busy. Yukimura argued that it would be impolite not to, but I rationalized that they hadn't seen us, and they wouldn't even know. Then he gave me the look; the one that says, "Don't be ridiculous, Sanada." So I sighed and let him lead me over to them. I've never argued with my boyfriend and I certainly didn't want to start now.
Yukimura started the conversation, and actually it was mostly between him and Tezuka. (I don't think I've ever heard Tezuka talk that much.) I think Atobe, like myself, was still feeling a little awkward about Friday. I'm pretty sure I caught him glaring at me once. So, needless to say, the whole situation was a little uncomfortable.
Then Yukimura suggested that we all spend the rest of the day together. I really wish he would have at least asked me before deciding that for the both of us. I have to be honest; I was a little angry with him. But Tezuka said that he thought it was a great idea, leaving me (and Atobe, I'm sure) to squirm. Really, Yukimura is sometimes too polite for his own good. So is Tezuka.
On an unrelated note, while we were standing there talking, I noticed something strange. I kept switching between watching Yukimura talking to Tezuka and trying not glance at Atobe, and suddenly, I realized that Yukimura and Atobe are exactly the same height. It surprised me. I don't know why, but I always thought that Atobe was taller. I know Yukimura's not short, but somehow, when I look at Atobe, I never feel like I'm looking down quite as much. Maybe that's just because Yukimura usually stands closer to me. But it also seems to me like it's partially because of the way Atobe acts, in general. It might even be a good way to describe his usual attitude: he treats everyone like they're shorter than he is.
When I first noticed, I did such a double take that Yukimura actually interrupted the conversation to ask me, "Is something wrong, sweetheart?" (Which was also kind of odd; he doesn't call me that often.) He had his arms around my waist, so I told him no and hugged him back a little. He's been so affectionate lately, especially today. I wonder why that is.
Eventually, Tezuka glanced at his watch and mentioned that we had time for one more exhibit before the aquarium closed. So he asked what we should do. Then came one of those horribly awkward pauses where no one wants to suggest anything, for fear of making everyone else feel obligated to agree. I was afraid of that, too, but I hate pauses like that so much that I just suggested that we go see the shark exhibit.
It was just a suggestion; I wasn't set on it. I just thought it would help if someone said something. But I could tell immediately that it wasn't what Yukimura wanted to do. In fact, he made that pretty clear by saying he'd rather see the jellyfish exhibit. As soon as he said that, I felt like a complete idiot. That's his favorite exhibit, and we hadn't seen it yet today. I wish I'd remembered and just suggested that. (Actually, I mostly wish that he'd just said that's what he wanted to do during that long pause.)
I told him that we could go do that instead. But then he started insisting that we didn't have to, because he felt bad for always "making" me go to the jellyfish exhibit. First of all, he's never forced me to do it; I just like doing what he likes to do. And it's not like I hate jellyfish. Secondly, why did he even mention it, if he was going to insist that we shouldn't bother? I told him it was fine.
Then Tezuka felt the need to get involved. I wish he'd just stayed out of it. He suggested that Atobe and I should go to the shark exhibit (Atobe had said, "Good idea" when I'd mentioned it), and he would take Yukimura to see the jellyfish, because supposedly he felt more like seeing jellyfish anyway. Yukimura actually agreed to this. And still no one asked what I wanted.
Frankly, I wasn't comfortable with the idea. Nor was I happy about it. I didn't want someone else going off alone with my boyfriend on what was supposed to be our date, just on principle. What made it worse was that I'd be stuck having to deal with Atobe. All I really wanted was for me and Yukimura to be able to get away from Atobe and Tezuka as soon as possible. I wanted today to be just him and me.
I wasn't going to let this happen. But as soon as I opened my mouth to say something, Yukimura gave me a huge, long kiss on the lips. I'm pretty sure he knew that I wanted to argue, and wanted to stop me for some reason I don't understand. Well, it worked. He hadn't kissed me like that for a long time, and frankly, it left me feeling a little disoriented. By the time I remembered where I was, Yukimura and Tezuka had all but disappeared.
I think Atobe said something then, but honestly, I don't remember what it was. I just know I said something in reply, and we walked to the shark exhibit. Atobe didn't really say much the whole time, which was a pleasant surprise. The last thing I needed was to get into some pointless argument with him.
I can't say I even said two words to Atobe after that. I was too busy thinking. The most ridiculous thoughts kept going through my head while we were in the exhibit. I mean, I know Yukimura wasn't cheating on me or anything. I'm not stupid enough (or paranoid enough) to think that. Besides, it wouldn't have made sense anyway; Tezuka's not that kind of person. He's got more self control than that, and even if Yukimura were flirting with him (which also would never happen), he would never allow it to go any further. He's too careful about his honor for something like that.
I guess what bugged me the most was that I was thinking those thoughts at all. I actually started feeling a little nervous. It's just that the thought of Yukimura cheating on me had never even occurred to me before. It's a scary thought, even if it's impossible. I found myself wondering if someday he might be tempted to cheat on me. Of course I told myself that was ridiculous, because he'd never have a reason to. He'd never want to. But then I thought over that again…
Would he want to?
Even worse, does he?
And then, even worse than that, I realized that I don't know the answer.
I would never assume that he would. I don't even think that he would. But I don't know for certain, and that bothers me. And all these little things kept popping into my head, as if there were evidence that I'm not enough for him. Like just last night, when he mentioned how long it had been since we'd had so much fun on a date together. Or even all the times when he's asked me to kiss him or hold him; I suddenly wondered if he wanted even more, but he's just tired of asking.
I should know the answer. And if you'd asked me two months ago, I would have said that I knew, without a doubt, that he would never cheat on me. But as I've said before, lately I feel like I don't understand him. I've been wrong about so many other things about him; if I assumed that he'd never cheat on me, who's to say that I wouldn't be wrong about that too? And there's still that thing that Renji said, which frightens me because I have no clue what it means. All I know is that there's something very specific that Yukimura's not telling me. I've been forcing myself not to think about it ever since my talk with Renji, but it came back to me today and I couldn't get it off my mind. I even remembered most of the questions Renji asked: he asked about our dates and Yukimura's bad moods and acted as if I might be aggravating the situation, or even be the cause.
I don't know what to think anymore. And that's what bothers me.
My relationship with Yukimura has always seemed so certain. But now, for some reason, it's not that simple anymore. The thought of it ending, however far into the future, is really nothing short of devastating to me.
One of the things I realized today is that I probably need him more than he needs me. That's a scary place to be, in a way. Especially because I really do need him. I don't know what I would do without him. We've been through so much together, that I couldn't possibly imagine being able to let him go. And the funny thing I realized today was that he never really needed me. Even through his illness, he was always the one who seemed like a pillar of strength. For me. I would always go and visit him, hoping to be some sort of comfort, but I was always the one who ended up being comforted.
It's true that we weren't going out at that point. So, for a moment, I thought to myself that I could live through a break-up as long as we still stayed friends. But as soon as I started to seriously consider that possibility, part of me almost wanted to cry. Even though nothing like that has happened, or even looks like it's going to. The thought was that frightening to me.
I can't say I'm sure why that is, but I'd have to assume that it's because of how close we've gotten. The closer I get to Yukimura, the more I need him, or at least it seems that way. If he suddenly decided to leave me, after we've been together this long, I'm sure it would feel like a fishook had just been ripped out from the deepest part of my heart. I don't think I'd ever recover.
Like I keep saying, I know that there's no reason that something like that would happen right now. What's bothering me is that I realized how much it would hurt if it did happen. I'd never considered the possibility; I'd never even thought about it before. I just let myself go deeper and deeper with him…
The truth is, I've given him everything.
All these thoughts went through my head today. I don't know how long Atobe and I were in the exhibit, but I'm sure it wasn't that long. Honestly, watching sharks swim around menacingly over my head was making me feel even more unsettled. So I asked Atobe if he was done, and he said yes. I called Yukimura, and we decided to meet out front.
I don't know what took him and Tezuka so long. Maybe they got lost or something. But having to wait outside for so long was doing nothing to calm my unfounded fears. Atobe was actually being very patient with me, though; I'm sure I must have looked at my watch and asked, "Where are they?" every couple of seconds.
When they finally did come out, I was so relieved that I didn't even ask what took so long. Besides, Yukimura gave me a big smile and another kiss as soon as he saw me. Then he asked me if I had a good time. I lied and said yes.
We went out to a quick, early dinner and some coffee, at Tezuka's suggestion. I guess the coffee shop we went is where Tezuka and Atobe usually meet. Anyway, I'll admit that it wasn't so bad; just a lot of casual conversation.
Yukimura was being very affectionate again, which made me feel a little better. He kept holding my hand and snuggling up to me in that sweet way he always does. And on the way home on the train, he fell asleep on my shoulder.
When we got to his house, I asked him if he wanted me to come inside (he usually invites me to). But he just shook his head and said, "No, it's okay. It's getting late, and we have school tomorrow." I was kind of surprised at his excuse, but I agreed with him. Then we shared a few goodnight kisses, and I headed home.
I wonder if I should talk to him about what I was worrying about. He'd probably be offended, though. He'd probably say, "Sanada, don't you know me better than that?"
I guess I'll just try to let it go, and do everything I can to make him happy.
真田弦一郎
Sanada Genichiroh
…
１月２８日日曜日
Sunday, January 28th
I can't decide whether I am amused, disturbed, or furious. And after a moment's thought, I can only bring myself to eliminate "amused" from that list of possibilities.
I am never going to trust Tezuka Kunimitsu again.
This statement probably sounds a little extreme, especially in the context of what I wrote in my previous entry. But let's just say that spending the day with my so-called friend did not turn out the way that I would have expected. To be perfectly fair, it was actually a pleasant experience at first. In fact, the aquarium was a peaceful and fairly interesting way to distract myself from the bizarre events of this past week. We were having a nice time, just walking around and talking about nothing in particular. And I have to admit that there is a part of me that truly enjoys visiting aquariums… There is something fascinating about watching the fish glide through the water right in front of your eyes, with only a glass barrier standing between you and a miniature ocean.
Besides, Tezuka seemed unusually engaged in what we were talking about, which was a very nice change. I was still doing most of the talking, of course, but he was actually giving some fairly extensive replies, and even initiating a few of the discussions. I have to admit, part of me wondered if something was going on… I couldn't tell from his behavior, however, if that "something" was good or bad, so I decided that I shouldn't pry into someone else's business.
In retrospect, the "something" wasn't his business at all, and his friendly attitude was probably just a way of distracting me. In fact, the whole thing must have been an act from start to finish, seeing as how the situation only got stranger.
But I'm getting ahead of myself.
In any case, it was nearly closing time, since the aquarium isn't open as long on Sundays. And we had just walked into the freshwater exhibit, which I have to admit has always struck me as rather boring. As beautiful as the fish that live in the ocean can be, the fish that live in lakes are usually quite ugly. In any case, there wasn't as much to look at, so I was paying more attention to our conversation than usual. I don't even remember what we were talking about, but Tezuka had actually managed to make me laugh, of all things. My guard was finally down, and I was truly enjoying myself.
This is probably why I nearly had a heart attack when a certain picture-perfect couple walked up and said hello.
Yes, it was Sanada and Yukimura, number one and number two on my official list of People I Absolutely Did Not Want to See. And it took me all of five seconds to realize that I should never have agreed to spend the day with Tezuka. Obviously, this was just another setup, almost exactly the same in execution as the first time that Sanada and I "coincidentally" ran into each other by the fountain. And Sanada seemed just as clueless as ever, so that meant that it must have been planned exclusively by Yukimura and Tezuka, just for my personal benefit. I must be an incredibly fortunate human being, to have such wonderful friends who are always thinking of me. (Yes, the sarcasm is dripping out of my pen.) The only difference was the fact that both Yukimura and Tezuka were there with us… Which made for an incredibly uncomfortable afternoon that I hope to forget as soon as possible.
Of course, Yukimura was the one to greet us, and just sounded as pleasantly surprised as could be. (That creep.) Sanada, on the other hand, looked so stunned that it was like someone had just blasted him with a tranquilizer dart. I would have felt sorry for him, but it was still much too awkward to even take the time to get a good look at him. And I didn't want to take a good look at him, anyway, because I was determined not to think about what had happened on Sunday, or how attractive he is, or anything that might let me forget my promise to myself.
As it turned out, it didn't matter how awkward I felt, because it was Yukimura and Tezuka who were doing almost all of the talking. (Well, how incredibly odd. It's almost like they planned it. But of course that couldn't be true.) And it wasn't long before they agreed that we should spend the rest of the day together. Naturally, Sanada and I weren't even asked for our opinions on the subject, and I couldn't help shooting him a look, in an attempt to telegraph to him how utterly preposterous this situation was. But I don't think he even noticed. In fact, he looked genuinely upset, at least as upset as Sanada Genichiroh had ever looked to me up until that point.
I have to admit, I actually did feel sorry for him.
But it didn't take very long into the conversation for me to change my mind about that, and it was mostly Yukimura's fault. Tezuka was still expressing some kind of surprise at this "strange coincidence," when that alleged saint really started to get on my nerves. He started hanging all over Sanada like some kind of clingy piece of clothing, and wrapping both his arms around the man's waist, like some sort of brainless teeny-bopper girlfriend. He was even calling him some of the stupidest nicknames I've ever heard… "Sweetheart" and "honey" and all kinds of garbage like that…
I swear, I thought I was going to vomit.
In any case, Tezuka finally mentioned that we should probably decide on something to do, since we were apparently going to spend the rest of the day together. (Believe me, words cannot express my joy.) Since it was almost closing time at the aquarium, he observed that we could probably fit in one more exhibit before we would have to leave. And then he asked us what we wanted to do. There was one of those horribly awkward pauses, the kind where everyone is waiting for everyone else to suggest something. But then Sanada finally took the initiative, and said that he wanted to see the shark exhibit. I thought that this was a good idea, since sharks are at least interesting to look at, and that would make the whole situation much less awkward. So I voiced my opinion on the subject and waited for everyone else to agree.
Cue some of the worst acting I have ever seen in my life.
Yukimura immediately put on this silly little "concerned" face, saying that he wasn't sure if he wanted to see the sharks. And then he said something about wanting to see the jellyfish instead. Well, not only was he was acting like an absolute drama queen, but this was by far the most absurd excuse that I have ever heard in my life. If he had really wanted to see the jellyfish so badly, he would have said so during the pause in the conversation. Of course, what he had really been doing was waiting for Sanada to make any kind of suggestion at all, so that he could voice this pathetically rehearsed comment about wanting to see the jellyfish.
What made this even worse was the fact that Sanada was trying to go along with what he wanted. And I have to admit that I actually rolled my eyes at this point. Honestly, does he have to be so damn nice to his boyfriend, just because they're a couple? It's obvious that he hasn't noticed what a creep Yukimura can be, but it doesn't excuse the fact that he would obviously bend over backward and let Yukimura walk all over him, just for the sake of being a "good" boyfriend. It's absolutely pathetic. And I have to admit, I was disgusted with Yukimura for taking advantage of him like that. I mean, it may be pathetic, but that makes it even worse that he's willing to exploit it
In any event, the bad acting continued, with Yukimura saying something like "Oh, but I always make you go with me to see the jellyfish," and Sanada was still insisting that he didn't mind…
Enter the knight in shining armor, to save the day and rescue the damsel in distress, all before closing time at the aquarium.
With perfect timing, which I'm sure must have been planned in advance, Tezuka suddenly volunteered to take Yukimura to go see the jellyfish, so that Sanada and I could go see the sharks instead. (Because of course we were just so set on seeing the sharks, that we couldn't possibly go as a group to see some stupid jellyfish.) Well, Yukimura's face immediately lit up, and he said that this was a "perfect" idea. But maybe Tezuka didn't want to go see the jellyfish? (He was careful to ask this question, with that ridiculous "concerned" expression of his.)
No, as Tezuka put it, he thought that he would "rather see jellyfish today."
… Tezuka, you're a dolt. And Yukimura, you're not going to win the Best Actress award any time soon, either.
Idiots.
Anyway, they had achieved their little goal of forcing us to spend time alone, and the bad acting was finally over at this point, much to my relief. I was still furious at how this whole setup had played out, and how ridiculously obvious it was, but at least I wouldn't have to watch them dismember their scripted dialogue like a pair of mediocre drama students. Tezuka said something about how Sanada and I "should go on ahead," and that we should call them when we were ready to leave. I glanced at Sanada, and he actually looked like he might argue with them, which was an interesting possibility. But he never had a fighting chance, because his boyfriend fired the parting shot before he could even say a word.
Yes, Yukimura put both his arms around Sanada and kissed him like there was a film crew nearby that wanted a close-up shot.
I said I was furious before, but it would be like equating lukewarm water to an underwater volcano, compared to how angry I was in that moment. I knew that this was just part of Yukimura's sick, twisted method to prevent Sanada from arguing with him, and that all he was really trying to do was force him to be alone with me yet again. And it's not even any of my business, how Sanada chooses to make a fool of himself by acting like a lovesick puppy around such a conniving creep…
But I still have to admit that I was jealous.
Yes, I was jealous. It's absurd, really, because the whole thing was so horribly fake. But I couldn't help thinking about my dream, and how wonderful it had felt, just to kiss those lips in a moment that only existed in my imagination. And it almost made it that much worse, to know that Yukimura was just doing it to make him shut up, when I would give anything to have someone to kiss like that. I was so annoyed that I could actually feel a knot forming in the pit of my stomach, and it was as much as I could do to keep from yelling at both of them.
But then Tezuka and Yukimura vanished, leaving Sanada and me just standing there. And it took a moment, but I finally calmed down enough to at least say something to him. It wasn't exactly polite (something about how "I can't believe I'm stuck with you"), but at least it only showed a hint of my agitation. And much to my surprise, it didn't result in a verbal sparring match. Sanada just barely murmured out a half-hearted, "Me neither."
That's when I knew that something was wrong.
To be honest, that half-hour that I spent alone with Sanada Genichiroh in the aquarium was one of the most surreal experiences that I have ever had in my life. We walked all the way to the shark exhibit in silence. And by the time that we were at the exhibit, I was so unsettled that I tried to say something, but it was like he couldn't even hear me. I didn't try it again.
I'm not quite sure how long we stood there like that, with the sharks swimming over our heads, their jaws gaping open and their teeth bared. But as the minutes crawled by, I started to forget about our sinister surroundings, and instead, I found myself focusing on Sanada, who was still completely silent. It was the strangest thing… It's not as though Sanada is a talkative person, but there was something almost desperate about the way he was just standing there and staring into space. I had never noticed how eloquent his face could be, since he normally doesn't allow himself to show his emotions.
But this time, it was obvious that he was upset… It was written on every crease in his forehead, and in the way that his lips were pressed so tightly together, as though they might start to tremble if he was so reckless as to let them…
It came upon me in that moment, as though a shot of electricity had sliced through the water above our heads.
Sanada Genichiroh has a weakness after all.
I don't think that I understand it well enough to put it into words yet, but in that split second, it was glaring at me from every side and reflecting off of the glass. I simply couldn't ignore it. After all, here was Sanada, one of the very few people that I had assumed to be invincible, and yet here he was, looking as though he might break apart at the slightest touch from my hand. I am well aware of the superstition that everyone has an Achilles heel, but I don't think that I realized how true that must be until that moment. There is something that he is afraid of, and if that something ever occurs, he is going to fall apart.
Yes, there is something that he values with all of his heart, and if he loses it, he is going to shatter into a million pieces.
All of a sudden, I was truly afraid for him. I suppose that I immediately assumed that it must have had something to do with Yukimura, and if it did, I knew that he had every right to be scared. After all, no matter what Yukimura may be planning by trying to set him up with me, it was horribly obvious during the previous conversation that he's not being honest with Sanada about what he's doing. And that can't be healthy for any kind of relationship, much less a romantic one. And I suppose that there was one other reason that I was afraid for him…
I, too, have had something priceless shatter into a million pieces.
It was over half a year ago, of course. But I once cherished the illusion that Tezuka and I shared something that went deeper than friendship and was more passionate than our apparent rivalry. I even went so far as to give a voice to my feelings… Of course, I was brought down to earth so abruptly that I dropped that foolish dream, and it broke into a million irreparable slivers of the glass that had been made from. I'm certain that if I had taken enough time to think about what I was doing back then, I would have been just as afraid as Sanada looked in that moment. When you put all of your hopes into one single thing, it becomes your deepest weakness, and the risk of losing it can be enough to drive you to despair.
I don't know exactly what was in Sanada Genichiroh's heart then, but it seemed as though he, too, had created a weakness for himself that he ran the terrifying risk of losing.
It wasn't much longer before Sanada nervously asked if I was finished looking at the exhibit. Of course I said yes (I hardly even remembered that we were still in the aquarium), and we started to make our way out to the front of the building. Sanada was on the phone with Yukimura, telling him that we were finished. And suddenly, I thought I noticed that his voice was shaking, just slightly. It was gone before I could really think about it, so I might have simply imagined it. But still, there was a part of me that wanted to blurt out that I felt sorry for him, and that he should know that his boyfriend was plotting something behind his back, before everything could spiral out of control and leave him to pick up those broken pieces alone. I can only imagine what he would have said to that… I'm almost positive that he would never have believed me. And in the end, I didn't say anything. That was probably for the best.
After all, here was yet another one of my wild hypotheses, and I was letting myself get swept away in an ocean of assumptions, which might not even have been correct. If I told him about my suspicions, and they turned out to be wrong, I can only imagine how much trouble I would be in. It would be better to be certain of such a thing, before giving a voice to my fears.
Still, I was getting strangely nervous myself, while we were standing out front and waiting for Tezuka and Yukimura to appear. They seemed to take a strangely long time in returning, and when they did, it seemed to me like they both had the oddest expressions on their faces. I'm not quite sure how to describe it, but they seemed almost dazed… It was immediately awkward again, so I suddenly found myself asking what we were going to do next. Tezuka suggested somewhat incoherently that we go to the coffee shop that he and I like to visit together. Normally, I would have been pretty annoyed by that suggestion, since I like to think of it as our private meeting place. But I agreed, mostly because of the uneasiness that I was still feeling.
All three of them were still eerily quiet by the time that we got to the coffee shop. There were some rather poor attempts at conversation, which I tried to encourage as much as possible. But none of them seemed very interested, and even though there weren't as many awkward pauses as I might have expected, it seemed like even Yukimura and Tezuka weren't paying attention to what they were saying. (Sanada, of course, was about as talkative as a tree log.) And it didn't take very long for me to realize it…
Something is wrong.
Something is really, truly wrong.
I don't know what is going on, between all of these bizarre setups and fake kisses and half-baked movie scripts, but there is something to this that goes deeper than a silly test or a cruel joke. Yes, there is definitely more to Yukimura's plot than meets the eye. And it's starting to scare all four of us, whether or not we are aware of it.
I don't know what in the world could have been wrong with Tezuka, but he was absolutely incoherent during the conversation, and sat there staring at his coffee cup like it was mutating into a sentient being. And then there was Yukimura, who seemed much more unsettled than I would have expected from the person whom I assumed was behind this whole operation, and barely even managed his usual artificial smile while we were talking. And Sanada, of course, was just starting to get the hint that something might be wrong, even if he didn't see that it was all part of a grand design. He hardly even bothered to say a word.
Strangely enough, I think that I was the only one who wasn't significantly disturbed, at least in that moment. And whether it was from mere ignorance or simply the fact that I am in the least danger of getting hurt, I have no way of knowing for certain.
But I do know one thing: I am no longer the only one who is worried about this dangerous game that we have gotten ourselves into. I only wish that I knew exactly what it was that I have been conned into playing. Every theory that I create has a hole in it… It either lacks a motive, or is inconsistent with the facts, or much too improbable to even consider. Yes, I am completely stumped. Tezuka and Yukimura have thrown me for a loop, in what is apparently some kind of bizarre collaborative effort to confuse me.
But it finally occurs to me that perhaps even Tezuka and Yukimura are stumped by their own actions.
There is one other thing that I do know… I am certainly not the one who has the most to lose in this intimidating game of chance. And that person isn't Tezuka, or Yukimura, either. No, from what I have seen today, I have been forced to conclude otherwise.
The one who stands to lose the most is Sanada.
I am surprised at how truly afraid I am for him.
Sincerely,
Atobe Keigo
跡部景吾
…
１月２９日月曜日
Monday, January 29th
I feel much better today about my relationship with Yukimura. I know now that he's never going to leave me.
I had a little trouble sleeping last night. I was still feeling a little unsettled, and I couldn't seem to get comfortable. I kept wrestling with myself, trying to decide whether or not to talk to him about what I was feeling. By the time I got up this morning, I had decided that I had to talk to him, even though I'd decided before that I shouldn't worry about it. I guess I realized that I should be open and honest with him, since I know that I'll always want him to do the same thing for me.
Finding a good time to bring it up was harder than I thought it would be. Even harder was trying to figure out what to say. I practically tortured myself all day thinking about it. And it felt like every time I opened my mouth to say something to Yukimura, something (or someone) would interrupt us. I wanted to talk to him before class, but by the time I worked up the courage, the teacher wanted to start the lesson. I also tried to talk to him at the beginning of lunch, but then Renji came and sat beside us, followed quickly by the rest of our former teammates. At the end of lunch, we were alone again for a moment, but then the bell rang.
It was a hard day.
I finally got to talk to him alone after school, and I realized that I still wasn't sure what I wanted to say. He was looking at me very seriously, and I got a little nervous. Before I knew what I was saying, I had asked him something completely ridiculous. I asked him, "Do you love me?"
That's a dumb question; I know. That's not the sort of thing you ask your boyfriend; you should always act like you know the answer, even if you don't. I guess in a way, though, it got to the heart of what I wanted to know.
When I said that, Yukimura looked at me with such a heartbroken expression that all I wanted to do was disappear. I was about to apologize for asking such a stupid question, but he spoke first. He said, "Oh, Sanada. Of course I do." Then he wrapped his arms around my waist and laid his head on my shoulder. And then he said the sweetest thing I've ever heard him say: "I'll always love you."
I don't think that needs any further explanation.
I'll never worry about it again. I'll never have to. In fact, I'm not sure I have reason to worry about anything at all anymore. As long as I know that Yukimura will always love me, that's all I need to know.
I think I'll sleep a lot more peacefully tonight.
真田弦一郎
Sanada Genichiroh
…
１月２９日月曜日
Monday, January 29th
Today was a perfectly peaceful day. I might have even called it "boring," except that it was a welcome change from the surreal events that took place yesterday. I simply went to class, talked with my friends during lunch about nothing in particular, and went home to spend a calm evening doing my homework and sorting out my personal finances.
Needless to say, all of this commonplace activity gave me far too much time to think about what happened yesterday. And this just created even more questions and concerns, rather than providing answers for the chaos that unfolded at the aquarium.
Honestly, the more I think about it, the more concerned I am about this strange situation. It's obvious that Sanada has absolutely no idea what's going on… I had once doubted that he was really as ignorant as he seemed to be, but he was so bewildered yesterday that I have to assume that I was wrong. When he invited me over to dinner at his house, that must have been by his own choice. (That fact alone is rather surprising… And it creates a whole different set of questions, which I won't go into at the moment.)
But as for Yukimura's little plan, it is absolutely clear to me that Sanada doesn't know about what his boyfriend has been plotting. What's even worse is the fact that his boyfriend's inexplicable actions are obviously upsetting him, even if he doesn't know what's going on. And why Yukimura would be doing such a thing in the first place is beyond my comprehension. Sanada seems all too willing to be a perfect boyfriend and do absolutely anything that Yukimura wants. I can't see any reason for Yukimura to do anything behind his back, no matter what his true intentions may be.
And then there's Tezuka… I don't understand Tezuka's role in this arrangement at all. I had always assumed that he was my friend, but it certainly looks like he has sided with Yukimura and started to go behind my back by taking part in his scheme. If I asked him about it, I can only assume that he would manage to avoid telling me the whole truth somehow. And what is even harder to understand is the way that he was acting yesterday… I understood the whole bad acting segment with the jellyfish, and why he was being so talkative during our initial conversation, but why did he seem so out of it at the coffee shop? It was the first time that I can remember where he actually looked like he wasn't paying the slightest attention to what was going on in front of him.
As I sit here thinking through all of this, it occurs to me that talking to Tezuka still might be the best place to start, if I want answers about what has been going on. I can't ask Yukimura about what he's plotting… That would be too blatant, and I wouldn't get a single piece of truth in exchange for my efforts. And I can't ask Sanada, because he doesn't have the slightest idea that something is going on in the first place. But if I ask Tezuka about it, I just might be fortunate enough to get sufficient information to form a better hypothesis. And if I can do that, I might be able to come up with a way to stop this impending disaster from turning into a complete mess.
I think I will give Tezuka a call tomorrow.
Sincerely,
Atobe Keigo
跡部景吾
…
１月３０日火曜日
Tuesday, January 30th
I must be the most distrusting person in the world.
After school today, I gave Yukimura a kiss goodbye and left to head home. But just before I got to the front gate of the school, I realized that I'd forgotten something. Yukimura had told me earlier in the day to remind him that he had something he needed to give me. So I went back to go ask him what it was.
When I got back to the classroom, I was glad to see that Yukimura was still there. He was talking on his cell phone, and he had his back turned to me. I didn't want to interrupt, so I kept my distance. I didn't mean to eavesdrop, but of course I couldn't help hearing what he was saying. He was talking about how something had "not gone very well," and "coming up with a plan B," and "the trick is making sure he doesn't know about it." Then I heard him say, "Saturday, then? Alright, I'll see you then." And he hung up.
It sounded very suspicious to me. And when he finally noticed that I was watching him, he sort of jumped and asked how long I'd been standing there. I told him not very long, but asked him who he had been talking to on the phone. He answered that it was his mother. Then I asked him what he was doing on Saturday. He said something about going out to dinner with his family.
I don't understand it. Was he lying to me? I didn't bring up the other things that I'd heard, but I can't get everything to match up with the excuse he gave me. If it's just dinner with his family, what hadn't gone well? Why did he need a plan B? And who couldn't know about it? His father, maybe? But why? And why did his say to his mother, who he would presumably see as soon as he got home,"See you on Saturday"?
Why would he lie to me?
I started to feel all of Sunday's paranoia coming back. He's hiding something from me. What is it? And why does he have to lie to me like that?
I didn't have a lot of time to ponder it, though, because he asked me if he could do something for me. I asked him what he needed to give me. He said, "Oh" and fished around in his bag for a minute. Then he handed me my watch, which I'd asked him to hold for me on Sunday at the aquarium. (We were at the starfish exhibit, and I wanted to pick one up. But I didn't want to get my watch wet, and my pockets were full.)
I held out my hand, but he didn't let go of it for a moment. I asked him what was the matter. (I didn't mean to, but I think I kind of snapped at him.) Then he asked me, "Do you remember when I gave you this watch?"
Of course I remembered. He gave it to me on November 21st, my half-birthday. He said he'd bought it for me weeks earlier, and intended to give it to me on my birthday in May, but just couldn't wait that long. He'd bought it because we'd been shopping together one time, and I'd seen it and pointed it out, saying that it looked like a really nice watch. It was fairly expensive. But he'd still gone back the very next day and purchased it.
I told him everything I remembered about it. Then I mentioned that I still hadn't gotten the chance to make it up to him. I didn't try at Christmas, because I knew he'd be getting me something then too. And his half-birthday was before mine: the fifth of September. I told him that I wished I gotten him something then. He laughed and shook his head, saying that it would have been silly to think of something like that so soon after we'd started dating.
Then I promised him that I'd make it up to him on his birthday. But then he smiled a smile that looked kind of sad, and told me that I didn't have to get him anything. I insisted that I would. I don't know why he wouldn't expect me to. Maybe he was just saying that to try to be polite.
It actually felt a little awkward for a moment after that. It's been a long time since anything between him and me has been like that. So I just told him thank you, kissed him again, made sure to tell him that I love him, and left.
I can't believe I'm feeling suspicious of him again. He told me that he'll always love me. Why is it so hard to believe that? Maybe because it's such a huge thing for him to say. How does he know that he'll always love me? If he wants to make sure he's always honest with me, why would he say that? Doesn't he realize that his feelings could change very easily?
I should just trust him. But it's been so hard lately.
真田弦一郎
Sanada Genichiroh
…
１月３０日火曜日
Tuesday, January 30th
Well, I did give Tezuka a call, but it didn't really get me anywhere. I wanted to arrange to meet with him in person, because I had already decided that this would help me to pick up on any nonverbal clues that he might give me, when it comes to what is really going on with Yukimura and Sanada. Unfortunately, the soonest that he could see me was tomorrow, so I set up a meeting with him at our usual coffee shop at seven o'clock on Wednesday. I suppose that I will just have to wait until then to conduct my unofficial investigation about Yukimura's questionable scheme. I'm just hoping that I will finally get some kind of answer as to how to solve this terribly elusive puzzle.
In the meantime, I spent another strangely calm day at school and at home… I have to admit, I'm surprised at how peaceful these everyday activities are making me feel right now. Of course, I'm still concerned about the situation with Sanada and the others, but I've started to feel strangely unattached to my own welfare in this problem. I'm not afraid of getting hurt by it anymore. Instead, it's Sanada that I find myself worrying about… Has he finally noticed that something is going on? Has he decided to get to the bottom of this? Is he going to make Yukimura tell him all about it, or is he too scared to even ask? What would happen if he did ask about it?
Like I said in my previous entry, that "chance meeting" on Sunday has only given me a thousand more questions to add on top of the ever-growing pile of confusion that is the epitome of this chaos.
As for the rest of my day, I can hardly think of anything worth mentioning, except for one isolated event during lunchtime. I probably wouldn't even have remembered it, except for the fact that Jiroh just called me to ask a question about his homework. And that reminded me of his little comment during lunch. It was the strangest thing… We were just sitting there in the music room, eating lunch like always. And everyone was talking amongst themselves… I don't remember why, but I wasn't paying attention at the moment, and I don't even recall what I was thinking about.
But suddenly, Jiroh's voice broke into my train of thought. He asked me what I had been thinking about, and I told him that I couldn't remember. (It had completely disappeared from my mind in the second that he had started talking to me.) And he seemed to be thinking for a moment, and then he asked me if something had happened to me. Needless to say, I was a bit confused by this question, but I told him no anyway. I certainly couldn't think of anything that had happened since yesterday, and I wasn't going to go into the aquarium incident, if he hadn't noticed it during the previous day.
And then he said the strangest thing: "Really? That's weird. Because you look kind of different, Atobe."
Well, that was certainly an odd thing to say, and I couldn't help being rather intrigued by it. I asked him what he meant, but he seemed to have a hard time explaining himself in words. And no one else seemed to know what he was talking about. (Most of them had taken notice of his comment as well, and I was on the receiving end of quite a few intrigued glances before they lost interest.) But he never did give me a satisfactory explanation, and I find myself still wondering what he meant by that.
I suppose that's just Jiroh for you.
In any case, I should be getting to bed before it gets any later… I've been sleeping well these past few nights, and I have a feeling that it might have something to do with my improved mood. Besides, I'm going to have to be on my guard tomorrow, if I really want to grasp the true extent of Tezuka's role in the whole Yukimura situation.
Sincerely,
Atobe Keigo
跡部景吾
…
１月３１日水曜日
Wednesday, January 31
I've had a horrible day. It was one of those days where things weren't going great to start with, but then one event just ruined everything.
I noticed that Yukimura seemed a little on edge all day. When I said goodbye and gave him my usual kiss, even then it felt like he was ignoring me. So I told him that I wanted to talk.
I meant to ask him why he'd lied to me yesterday, but that's not how it turned out. He was very nice at first; when I asked him if we could talk, he perked up a little and said, "Of course, Sanada. What is it?" But when I told him it was about us, I saw his smile disappear instantly. Then he asked me specifically what I meant. All I could think to say was that it seemed like things hadn't been the same between us lately.
I paused, hoping for some sort of reaction, but I didn't get one. I couldn't even read his expression; he tightened his lips, and it felt somehow like his entire face had closed up and was trying to keep me out. I started to continue. I was going to say that I thought he wasn't being completely open with me lately, but he interrupted me and said, "You're right. Things haven't been the same, Sanada."
I was kind of surprised by how abruptly he said that. And I was also a little surprised that he was agreeing with me at all. I'd been so distracted with my own feelings concerning our relationship that I forgot to think about how he felt about it. I guess I did assume that he noticed that some things were different, but I never really stopped to ponder it and look at everything from his perspective. Suddenly I wanted to know what he thought had changed. So I asked him.
He fumbled around for a moment with his words. It was obvious that there was something he was having difficulty saying. I thought it was because it was the thing he was hiding from me, and I'd finally cornered him, and he'd have to tell me. I found myself getting a little frustrated because it was taking him a while to say. So I sort of rushed him along.
It wasn't what I expected.
He brought up our first night together, and asked why we'd never done it again. He mentioned how we've never brought it up after that, or really talked about it…
I suppose this deserves a bit of explanation. Yukimura and I have slept together… but only once. It was in the beginning of September, not long after Nationals, really. (I guess it has been a long time, now that I think about it.) It was after one of our normal dates together, on a Sunday. We'd gone shopping, had an early dinner, and even played some tennis. Then we went back to his house and watched a movie in his bedroom. After the movie was over, we were cuddling a little and kissing, and I guess one thing led to another…
I don't remember who suggested it. Actually… I would have to guess that it was probably Yukimura. But I remember really liking the idea. So I spent the night with him. It was the most beautiful night of my life.
I guess I should have wondered why we'd never done it again after that. The truth is, it never really crossed my mind. Making love to Yukimura has somehow remained nothing but a fond memory for me. Maybe I just assumed that if it was meant to happen again, it would just happen, and I wouldn't have to think about it. Because that's kind of how it happened in the first place.
I told Yukimura simply that I didn't know he'd wanted to. I wish he'd told me that. Why didn't he ask? But he said that he shouldn't have had to. He sounded almost angry, and honestly, I felt a little hurt. So I basically told him that I was stupid and blind (which I am), and that he had to tell me these things if he wanted me to know. He said he was tired of telling me.
So I was right. He does want more from me—more kisses, more hugs, more nights with me—but he's tired of asking. I'm not satisfying him after all.
I didn't realize that it could hurt so much to know that.
I don't know what to do anymore. Doesn't he see that I'm trying as hard as I can? I do everything he asks. And I'm happy to do it. Why can't he just keep asking? I want him to tell me what he wants. I'm an idiot; I need to be told these things. He shouldn't have to worry about me saying no. I don't know how to make it any easier for him. It's not like can read his mind. Maybe I should be able to, but I just can't.I've been trying. It just seems like every time I try, I start to feel farther and farther away from him.
Why can't he just be honest with me?
Yukimura sort of stopped himself at that point, saying that wasn't what he was trying to say. (I think he could see that I was feeling hurt.) He said he wanted to know why I had never asked. Why I had been waiting for him.
Again, I've never really thought about it before, and I wasn't sure why. It took me a while to come up with a good answer. But I did: I told him that I had been waiting for the right time to come again. That one night together was so perfect; everything had just seemed to fall into place. I wanted that to happen again. I was waiting for it to. But it's never happened, for some reason; the moment has just never seemed quite right.
When I said that, Yukimura said the most horrible thing I've ever heard him say: "You're right; it hasn't been right, not for a long time. It might never be again."
And then he just left. He didn't even say goodbye.
Whatever happened to, "I'll always love you, Sanada"?
I stood there for a few minutes, completely stunned. I wanted to talk to someone, but I knew everyone had gone home already. I almost picked up my phone and called Renji, but I realized that I wouldn't quite know how to explain why I was calling. And I felt so awful in that moment that I figured he wouldn't want to waste his time talking to someone like me anyway.
I don't know what to do anymore.
If I were to ask to come over again some night, wouldn't he just assume that it was because he mentioned it today? And judging by everything he was saying, he might even turn me down because of that. But that's not fair. If he wants to be with me, I want to do that for him. Why is that not okay?
I guess I'll have to try asking for things like that more often. If he's tired of asking, I should just ask for him. Or even do things without asking. If that's what he wants, I'll do it. I have to. I have to be enough for him. I have to be perfect for him.
Because, if he ever left me, then I think I would commit hara-kiri.
真田弦一郎
Sanada Genichiroh
…
１月３１日水曜日
Wednesday, January 31st
Well, I talked with Tezuka this evening, exactly according to plan. And I still can't say that I have had any of my questions answered to my satisfaction.
Even so, I think that I am finally starting to get a much clearer picture of what this strange situation is all about.
Like I mentioned yesterday, we met in the same coffee shop that we always frequent, and I proceeded to try to lull him into a false sense of security by steering the conversation toward the most harmless subjects that I could devise. Unfortunately, he didn't seem to drop his guard for a moment; I imagine that he must have already guessed my reason for wanting to speak with him, and he had prepared himself accordingly. So I finally went for the direct approach.
I asked him why he and Yukimura had arranged for us all to meet at the aquarium on Sunday.
He didn't react very strongly to this initial accusation; like I said, I think that he expected me to say it. But I did notice that a strange kind of light came into his eyes, which seemed to indicate that he wasn't entirely neutral on the subject. It also seemed like he was aware of how carefully he was going to have to answer my inquiry, if he didn't want me to figure out the real reason for the setup. So there was a considerable pause before he replied, and even then, his response certainly didn't answer my question.
"So you noticed," was all he said.
Needless to say, I was rather annoyed that he was playing such a ridiculous game with me, so I wasn't exactly polite in my response. I told him that of course I had noticed, between his bad acting and Yukimura's petty behavior. I told him that it wasn't the first time that I had noticed, either, but that I had specifically chosen to remain silent until now. And then I told him that this had gone much too far, and I demanded to know what Yukimura was trying to do, if he was so willing to risk hurting his precious boyfriend in order to achieve this unspoken goal of his.
Tezuka looked almost stunned by my outburst, which is the strongest reaction I've probably ever gotten from him. I suppose that he just assumed that I wasn't willing to put all my cards on the table like that, since I normally try to stand back and observe the situation instead of telling everything that I know. But I have to admit, I've gotten sick and tired of getting pushed and pulled in every imaginable direction, while I wait for the purpose of this twisted little game to become clear to me. I want to know what is going on, and I am not willing to wait any longer for the answer… Not when it seems like the purpose of this scheme might be much more serious than I had initially supposed, and not when it appears as though at least one person stands to be severely hurt by its impact.
I have no interest in helping to shatter someone's heart, however unconsciously I might be doing it.
Well, Tezuka finally set his coffee cup down on the table (it made the most unnerving "thud" noise), and he told me that I was right. He said that he thought that it was starting to go too far as well, and that he had consented to take part in this plan only because he believed that Yukimura's intentions were ultimately good. Of course, I found this idea rather difficult to swallow, and I couldn't help interrupting by insisting that he shouldn't have any reason to go behind Sanada's back, if his intentions were so benign. But Tezuka just sighed and told me that if Sanada did know about it, there was no possible way that Yukimura would achieve his goal. He made some kind of remark like "You know how stubborn he can be," and I found it impossible to argue with him on that particular point.
Still, I repeated the fact that if Yukimura didn't want to hurt Sanada, he should be as honest as possible with him, instead of trying to accomplish something through his own efforts. I noticed that Tezuka pressed his lips together before replying… It was an unfamiliar gesture, as though it was the first time that he had ever been forced to stop himself from saying too much. And then he said the most unsettling thing that I have ever heard him say…
"As for that, I thought that you would have noticed by now. Yukimura and Sanada's relationship isn't as perfect as it looks."
He was right, though. I should have noticed it. After all, any relationship that is built around appearances and habits, instead of plain and simple honesty, is a relationship that can be lost at any moment. And it's obvious to me that Yukimura is not being honest with Sanada. In all likelihood, Sanada probably isn't being honest with himself, either. As obvious as this reality should have been to me, it should be even more obvious to Sanada. It's his relationship that is in danger, after all… Not mine. It doesn't have anything to do with me. He should be able to see that Yukimura is hiding something from him.
And yet, I suppose that sometimes it is only other people that can clearly see the things that are the most precious to our hearts.
Still, I have to say that I just don't understand this situation. After all, it's obvious that Yukimura isn't being honest with Sanada, and that is certainly a flaw in their relationship. But why would Yukimura insist on hiding something from Sanada? Other than this clandestine activity on Yukimura's part, I don't see a single reason for them to be anything but content with each other. They hold hands and kiss in public, so it seems like they have just as much affection for each other as any couple that I've ever seen. And it's not as though either of them seem like the kind of people that would be hard to get along with. As much as I may have been loathe to admit it before, they are both decent, agreeable people, and they seem to have nothing but love for each other. I've never seen or heard anything that would give me reason to believe that they fight, not even in the privacy of their own homes. If there is some fundamental problem with their relationship, it must be something that I simply cannot see.
And besides, why would anyone be unsatisfied with having Sanada Genichiroh as their boyfriend?
In any case, I continued to try for the next half hour to get some clear answers out of Tezuka, but he barely responded to my questions after those first few remarks. And even when he did respond, his answers may have sounded coherent on the surface, but the more I thought about them, the more I realized that they were completely lacking in any kind of substance. What's more, for the first time in my living memory, I recall feeling as though I was truly making Tezuka uncomfortable with all of my inquiries. (Which in and of itself is rather bizarre.)
In the end, Tezuka is still my friend… Even if he is helping Yukimura, a person that I still cannot find any legitimate reason to trust, I can't bring myself to suspect him of anything except good intentions. And I don't want to make his situation any more uncomfortable than it already is… It's painfully obvious that this game has played out much differently than he had originally expected, and that isn't his fault, no matter how he may have assisted in bringing such an outcome to fruition.
So it wasn't long before I said goodbye to him, and now I am at home once more, left with a pile of unsorted hints and unspoken answers that I still have to put together into some kind of coherent hypothesis. And as I think over the past few days, I am starting to wonder whether I will ever have a solution for this cryptic puzzle. It seems as though there is only one possible way to solve it, and that would be to know what Yukimura's problem with Sanada is.
And that is something that I will probably never figure out, unless I receive the answer from the enigma himself.
Sincerely,
Atobe Keigo
跡部景吾
Footnote: In case you were wondering if we just made it up, yes, Atobe and Yukimura are in fact exactly the same height, 175 centimeters. Weird, huh?
Up Next: Yukimura's plan is exposed, as everything spirals out of control. But the aftermath leads Atobe to an important realization...