Ice Breaker

by FallingMarshmallows

A new year has begun, and Atobe and Sanada are both keeping a journal. When a strange event forces them to interact, one of them suspects foul play from none other than Yukimura. [A Tango Pair collab fic by FallingSilver and ToastedMarshmallow.]

10. Between the Lines

Disclaimer: We don't own PoT or any characters.

Authors' Notes:

ToastedMarshmallow: I have conquered. ::dances::

FallingSilver: What are you talking about?

TM: For the first time in this fic, I have exceeded you in page count! Whoo!

FS: ... Good for you.

Hello again, everyone! Sorry again for the huge delay in releasing this chapter. But midterms were... bad. Evil. Torture. Scum of the earth. To make up for it, here is a nice long chapter for you all to read over spring break. We hope you enjoy it! We'll try to get the next chapter out ASAP, but we're both having our wisdom teeth taken out tomorrow... ::dies:: So it might take us a while to be coherent again. If we post anything that doesn't make sense... ignore it... It's the painkillers talking.

Anyway, have fun and please review. Reviews are painkillers for the soul. :D

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２月５日月曜日

Monday, February 5th

It's been a long, interesting day, to say the least. I don't even know where to begin.

I suppose I should pick up where I left off yesterday. I was sitting for a while in Atobe's parlor after I wrote in my journal, still waiting for him to finish his phone call. I was about ready to fall asleep at that point, but I didn't really want him to know that. So I tried to sit up as straight as I could, and make myself as uncomfortable as possible in an effort to keep myself awake.

When he finally came back in, he sort of looked like he didn't quite know what to say. (I don't blame him; what do you say to a pathetic loser who just found out his boyfriend was cheating on him?) But he finally sat down, and asked if I wanted to talk about it.

The truth was, I did and I didn't. I've always sort of believed that talking is just a waste of time, and never solves anything. And I certainly wasn't sure I wanted to talk about something so personal in front of Atobe, of all people. But, on the other hand, part of me was desperate to talk to someone… I hadn't had the chance to talk about it with anyone so far except these empty pages. I felt like it would be nice to get some sympathy, but I still wasn't sure I was going to get any from someone like Atobe.

I hesitated, but he argued that it might help. As I said, part of me was just looking for an excuse to talk to someone, so before I knew it, I had started to pour my heart out to him. I told him how much I felt like an idiot, but he (rather angrily, actually) said that I shouldn't feel that way when Yukimura had been going behind my back. I thought that was nice of him to say, but obviously he didn't understand the whole story. I told him that Yukimura had tried to tell me how he felt without hurting my feelings, and that I was just so stubbornly holding on to everything that I refused to see it. I'd grasped our relationship so tightly that it ended up slipping right through my fingers.

And now it's over.

It felt horrible to say that out loud. It suddenly sounded so final, and felt so real. And now that I had admitted it, there was no going back. I guess it was at this point that I started to feel a lump forming in my throat. I swallowed it back at first. I wasn't going to cry in front of Atobe.

His reply to my assertion was somewhat surprising. He suggested that Yukimura and I could still work things out. I guess that was an understandable mistake, and something I hadn't even really considered. It's true that many relationships have survived through similar circumstances. But I knew that Yukimura and I didn't stand a chance anymore, not after this. Atobe asked if that was because I couldn't forgive Yukimura, but that's not why at all. I'd forgive Yukimura in a heartbeat.

The problem is that I'm not good enough for him. He wants more than I can give him, and he has every right to have it. Even if he said he wanted to stay with me, I wouldn't let him; I don't want him to feel trapped in a relationship that's not satisfying him. But he's not going to say that anyway. I'm sure we're going to break up as soon as I see him again, which is one of the many reasons why I've still been too afraid to talk to him.

When I explained this to Atobe (not so extensively, of course; I think I only used about five words), he said that if I wasn't enough for Yukimura, then Yukimura was a fool.

I'm starting to get the feeling that Atobe doesn't like Yukimura very much.

I know Atobe was trying to make me feel better (I still don't know why, though), and it was a nice thing to say, but I knew it wasn't true. I wanted to explain it to Atobe, to say that Yukimura was absolutely not a fool, and that I'm obviously just a horrible boyfriend, but I couldn't. The lump came back into my throat, and my eyes started stinging. My first thought was, "Oh, god, not now…" Why is it that I hadn't been able to cry for the past day, but then suddenly while I was talking to Atobe, I had to fight back tears? Why did it have to be then?

Because of that, I kept my mouth shut. I didn't point out all of the obvious reasons that I fell short of such a wonderful person as Yukimura, even though I wanted to. I knew that if I tried to say something as painful as that, I'd fall apart. And, again, I'd vowed not to do so in front of Atobe.

Atobe went on to say that if Yukimura and I broke up, I could just find someone else. I have to say, that made the sting in my eyes a lot stronger. Because I'm starting to think that I'll never find anyone else. Even if I was stupid enough to fall in love again, how will I know that this new person won't get tired of me, too? I don't think I could handle the pain of pouring myself into someone again, only to find out that it was a waste of time. I'm still not sure if I'm going to be able to handle it this first time.

So no, Atobe. You're wrong; I'm not going to "find someone else," as you said.

Never again.

I didn't tell him exactly that, but I did say he didn't understand. And I told him that Yukimura was everything to me. That's nothing but the truth. I gave Yukimura so much of myself that I don't think I even have anything left to give to anyone else.

I said it rather loudly, I think; I was still trying to fight with that lump in my throat. I think Atobe didn't quite know what to say to that, so he offered to get me a glass of water and left.

I was relieved. I felt my muscles relax, and the tears started to fall. I didn't mean to cry; I just couldn't help it anymore. It was mostly just because I was so tired. It was fairly early in the evening, but I'd only had about an hour or so of restless sleep in the past twenty-four hours. I couldn't even keep my eyes open at that point. I just wanted to go home, but the thought of doing that made me feel even more exhausted; I knew I had a long, boring train ride ahead of me. I didn't know how I was going to stay awake. It was frustrating. All I really wanted to do was close my eyes and go to sleep, but I knew I couldn't…

Even though exhaustion was a lot of the reason I was crying, I also think I needed to cry. I don't cry often at all (hardly ever), but the few times in my life that I have, I know it's always made me feel better somehow (as long as no one's around to see me). I'd been kind of wishing that I'd had a chance to cry as soon as I saw Yukimura kissing Tezuka, when I wanted to the first time but ran home in order to stop myself. It was frustrating when I got home that day and realized I couldn't anymore. So it was a good release to finally be able to again.

It was a good thing Atobe was gone for as long as he was. I wasn't exactly efficient in stopping myself. I'd considered the possibility that he'd be back before I was done, so I pulled my cap down over my eyes just in case. Luckily, though, I stopped myself and wiped the tears off my face before he came back, so I sat up and assured myself that I would only have to stay awake a little longer.

When Atobe walked back into the room, he handed me the glass of water and was quiet for a minute. I don't know if he saw that my eyes were red, but I must have looked like a complete wreck. He asked me to spend the night.

As I write this, I realize that I probably should have been more suspicious of that than I was. At that point, though, all I could think about was sleep. Not having to wait until I got home to fall asleep sounded fine to me. Even so, though, I was skeptical about it being a good idea. I knew that I should have just gone home, so I pointed out that it would be too much trouble for me to stay.

Well, Atobe wouldn't hear it. He took my hands and led me into his room. Again, I found myself too tired and depressed to argue with him. He went and got me something to wear, told me I could change in his room, and disappeared into his closet to change himself. Changing in someone else's room feels a little awkward… I can't even say I've ever done it before; usually if I spend the night at someone's house, I change in a bathroom. I don't know why it felt so weird, changing in Atobe's bedroom. I don't even know why I'm writing about it. Anyway…

When I was done, I put my sweatsuit in my tennis bag and waited for Atobe to come back out. He took a while; I think he wanted to make sure I was done changing before opening the door. I really just wanted to climb into his bed. He has a nice bed… It's huge. It's probably twice the size of a king-sized bed, and longer too, not just wider. I don't know how they made bedsheets for that thing. I don't know how they made a mattress for it, either. Anyway, I didn't want to be impolite, so I just stood there in the center of his room and tried to stay awake. Any other time, I would have been observing the décor, but I was too tired to even look around, really.

As soon as Atobe came back into the room, he commanded me to get into bed. Needless to say, I didn't argue. I suppose it crossed my mind to protest a little when he grabbed something off his desk and got into bed beside me (I've heard some interesting stories about Atobe), but he started writing and seemed very occupied, so I figured I had no reason to think he was going to suggest anything strange.

That's another thing: Atobe keeps a journal, too. I suppose that shouldn't really come as a surprise to me. Sometimes it seems like that man could talk forever and still have more to say. So, naturally, he probably writes down the rest of it every evening. But when I realized that's what he was doing, I got that same strange sensation of having something in common with him, like I did when we had dinner at my house and were looking at the snow falling outside.

I asked him about it, and he said he's kept one since he was six years old. (I'm sorry, that's insane. Could he even write well enough at that age? I guess that's Atobe for you.) He seemed somewhat surprised that I kept a journal myself, which I guess was reasonable. It's true that I probably wouldn't have if Renji hadn't told me to last year. Meanwhile, Atobe said that he's running out of room in his current journal, which is amazing because it's the thickest journal I've ever seen. Not to mention that it seemed like there were enough pages left for someone like me to take months to fill. He said he's gone through more journals than he can count. I told him that I believed him.

I don't remember anything after that. I'm pretty certain we didn't talk, but I fell asleep so quickly that for all I know, Atobe kept up the conversation by himself. I don't know if he slept in his own bed, or somewhere else; I never got the chance to ask him. I'll probably never know. I slept like a rock.

When I woke up, I didn't open my eyes. I'm not sure that I knew where I was. I just rolled over and pulled the covers further on top of me. I didn't want to get up; Atobe's bed is basically like sleeping on a cloud. For a while, I might have even thought that I was in heaven. (You know how you never quite think clearly when you first wake up?) I had the vague sensation that something good had happened, or that I'd had good dreams or something. Which was odd, considering that the only important thing that's happened to me lately has been bad.

I didn't open my eyes until I noticed a pleasant smell coming from somewhere beside me. That's when I remembered where I was. I sat up and looked around, and found several covered dishes on a tray by the bedside. I had to crawl over to get to it and take the covers off the plates. Underneath was a true Western-style breakfast—an omlette, some pancakes, sausage, oatmeal and the like—which normally I don't particularly care for, but it all just smelled so good that I really couldn't help digging in right away. (Not to mention the fact that I was starving… I never had dinner the night before.) It tasted even better than it smelled. Atobe's chef must be a genius.

While I was eating, I finally took the time to look around Atobe's room. I was reminded of the first time I came over to his house, when I was sitting in his parlor and got a glimpse inside. My first impressions of it were correct. Everything was pastel and silvery, all cool colors like blue and purple. It seemed like such colors might make his room seem cold (silver and blue tend to be that way), but it actually looked very warm somehow. Maybe it was the sunlight pouring in from the huge windows. Also, as I said before, it was nothing like his black, gold, and wine-red parlor. Even the fabrics seemed softer in his room; silk and cotton and satin, as opposed to heavy velvet and embroidery. I don't know why this contrast struck me again as so significant, but I couldn't seem to help noticing. And I have to say, I like his room much better than his stuffy parlor.

It suddenly struck me that I must have looked out of place. I don't know why I thought of that, but it kind of made me feel uncomfortable. The image of Atobe in the snow popped back into my head, and I remembered how much he looked like he belonged in those icy surroundings. The colors of his room were somewhat similar, and it occurred to me that this was his room, and I didn't even belong there. I noticed that there was a mirror across from his bed on the other side, so I crawled over to see if there was any way I could look less ridiculous, and less like a total stranger. It was the strangest feeling…

When I looked in the mirror, though, I suddenly didn't feel so out of place. He'd given me a pair of navy-blue silk pajamas to wear, and in those, I looked like I actually belonged in his room. I guess I still stood out a little bit… But I was in the dead center of his room, or pretty close, and it almost made me feel like I was the focal point of his décor.

Again, I don't know why all of this was going through my head, or why I'm even writing about it, except that it was such a strong, odd feeling…

Atobe appeared while I was still looking in the mirror. He didn't seem to notice, though. He said good morning, and seemed very cheerful. I thanked him for breakfast. He asked if I'd slept well, and I said yes. He agreed that I looked like I had, and that I'd seemed very tired last night. It was at this point that I kind of wanted to ask him where he'd slept, but I didn't find a way to phrase my question in time. He asked me what I wanted to do today.

That's when I remembered what day it was. I'd completely forgotten that it was Monday, and I freaked out for a second. According to the clock, school had already started, and I still had almost an hour to travel back to Kanagawa… I jumped out of bed and told him that I was late, but Atobe stopped me. Then he proceeded to calmly explain that neither of us were going to school. No, we were going to play hooky.

I love how he thinks he can just kidnap me like that, whenever he wants.

Nevertheless, it sounded like a much better idea than going to school. Everything that had happened recently was starting to hit me again, and I still didn't quite feel ready to face Yukimura. So I didn't really argue. I was too confused anyway.

He suggested that I take a warm shower, and all but pushed me into his bathroom, saying it would make me feel better. When I argued that I didn't have any soap, he said I could use his. And I have to say, he has plenty to spare. His walk-in shower is quite large, and there's an entire shelf of various nondescript, half-empty bottles with names that are completely foreign to me and I have no clue how one would use. I'll admit that he was right; taking a warm shower was nice. I don't often take warm showers. At my house we always take baths, heated with a fire, and the rinsing water is always freezing cold. But Atobe's shower was so hot it was steaming. I felt like I could have stood in there forever, letting the warm water run over my entire body like that. It felt nice…

He talked to me while I was showering, which was a little awkward, though he didn't make it as awkward as it could have been considering that I was trapped in a corner with no clothes on. (At least he couldn't see me.) He was minding his own business, but making casual conversation. ("So what do you want to do today? You don't know? Let's see… Well, we could go out to eat, or see a movie, or… Do you like horseback riding? Never been? It's lovely.") I don't know what all he was doing while he was talking. He probably goes through some hour-long routine every morning to make sure he looks his best.

Eventually he suggested that we go shopping today. I don't know why the thought startled me so much, but I dropped the soap and it made the loudest, most horrible noise. I guess I've just never really enjoyed shopping. I'll go buy tennis equipment, and presents for people sometimes, and that's alright, but I don't really go shopping regularly on my days off. So I repeated, "Shopping?" And Atobe responded by declaring that he'd buy me "something nice."

My mind startled reeling with the possibilities of what someone as rich as Atobe would consider to be "something nice." The idea of someone spending a lot of money on me for practically no reason, even if he had money to spare, was a little uncomfortable. I tried to convince him that it wasn't necessary, but he insisted that it was nothing. I really couldn't argue with that.

So we went shopping. We also went out to lunch and saw a movie. The movie we saw was the kind of film that felt like one big distraction; there were so many special effects that it was kind of ridiculous. So it was well-suited to the occasion. Atobe, of course, paid for everything. At the restaurant where we had lunch, I tried to be polite and order something relatively inexpensive, which was difficult considering the menu. But he didn't let me get away with that. He ordered me two appetizers, three side dishes, and a dessert. He then punctuated the gesture with a comment something like, "And don't you dare try to eat it all. I won't endure your ridiculous notions of good manners today. I'm treating you, and that's final."

The whole shopping experience centered around Atobe trying to find me "just what I wanted." There were a couple instances where I said, "You can just get me that," but again, he wouldn't hear of it. He insisted on getting me something "perfect." But even though he was trying so hard and being so picky, I can't say shopping with him was stressful or unpleasant. He thought of a lot of things I never would have thought of on my own. He showed me some digital cameras, some video game systems, some designer sunglasses, and he even had me try on some clothes (I found out what cashmere is today; it's nice). He had one rule, though: I wasn't allowed to look at the price tags.

It started getting late in the afternoon, and Atobe was ready to give up. He asked me what I liked the most, out of everything I'd seen. I couldn't decide between the cashmere sweater and a digital camera I kind of liked, but then he interrupted me and said, "Never mind. I know just the thing."

He took me to an expensive-looking stationary shop. The sales clerk there seemed to know him. Atobe smiled and told her, "Show us the nicest pens you have." The woman nodded and took out a drawer for us to look at.

My eyes must have lit up. I've always wanted a nice pen. I guess since I like shodou so much, I've always been rather interested in writing utensils. But all I have are brushes; I've never had a nice pen for everyday writing. And these were really nice pens. One pen in particular caught my eye: a sleek, black pen with gold accents. Atobe was right; it was exactly what I wanted.

He had the woman write down the price for him, and wouldn't let me look. When he saw the number, though, he commented, "Apparently you have very good taste." So it must have been really expensive. I started trying to talk him out of it (somewhat half-heartedly, I admit; I really liked that pen), but he insisted again that he was getting it for me. Then he asked me if I was willing to stick around for another half an hour. Though somewhat confused, I answered yes. Atobe handed the pen back to the sales clerk and said, "I'd like to get this engraved, please." She gave him a form, and he wrote down my name.

Once outside the store, I told him again that he really didn't have to do that. He told me not to worry about it, so I sincerely thanked him instead. Then I asked him how in the world he'd thought of getting me a pen. He answered that he remembered last night's conversation about keeping journals, and thought that I could use a pen to write with every day.

I'm using it right now; hence the dark, smooth-looking ink on this page.

Atobe had his limousine driver take us all the way back to my house, and I was home in time for dinner. When I got out of the car, though, I didn't go inside right away. There was so much I felt I should say to him before he drove away, but all I could think of was, "Thanks for everything, Atobe." It wasn't nearly enough. But Atobe responded by saying, "It was my pleasure."

I'm not sure why, but I believed him. I don't know how much he actually meant it. For all I know, he didn't mean it any more than that time he said something similar after he took me out to lunch, when I could tell he was being completely fake. But this time, I guess I wanted to believe that he was being sincere, so I did.

I said, "See you around." He said, "I hope so," and closed the window, and the limo drove away. And I have to admit, I found myself almost smiling.

I'll never be able to thank him enough for what he did for me today. I don't think he even realizes just how much he made me feel better. I still don't know why he did it. I don't really feel like pondering that too much; I think that would just ruin it. Whatever his motive happened to be, I still feel better, and now I think I'm finally ready to face Yukimura.

Speaking of which… after dinner, Mother mentioned to me that Yukimura came by after school today, which was a little unnerving to me. (Though I was glad to hear that she hadn't been worried about me. I guess Atobe had someone call to tell her where I was?) I ended up telling Mother everything that had happened in the past few days. She said that she'd figured it was something like that, based on what Yukimura had told her. She thought it was a shame. Then she said I had to let her give me a hug, so I did.

I thought she was going to give me some long lecture full of advice, but the only thing she said was, "Well, you'll see him tomorrow. I'm sure you two will figure out what's the best thing to do."

I'm a little scared, I guess. I know I can work up the courage to talk to him now, but the thought is still somehow frightening. I'm not sure what I'm going say to him. I guess I could just let him do the talking.

As I write this, I wonder, since when have I been this way? What happened to the times when I felt invincible, like I could handle anything and nothing would faze me? It used to be that I didn't care what people thought or said about me, and I thought I could conquer the world. That's the way I felt when I started junior high, and I've been feeling less and less that way ever since…

What happened?

Well… I guess Yukimura happened.

The first time I ever played against him was a humbling experience, to say the least. He definitely put me in my place. At first I wanted to train harder so I could beat him, but I quickly found out that he was training just as much as I was, if not more, and I would never be able to catch up. Eventually, I just accepted the fact that he was better than me. I decided to stick with him, and I suppose I expected him to conquer the world for me. I relied on him more and more as we got closer. That's why it was so hard for me when he got sick. Things were so much easier when he was there to tell me what to do. And then when we started dating after the season was over, my reliance on him must have gone beyond tennis. I relied on him to tell me everything short of telling me when to breathe.

Somehow, he made me weak.

I don't think that's what he wanted at all. I think I'm beginning to understand…

Anyway, I'm sure he'll explain everything to me tomorrow. I've written too much; my hand hurts and I really should have gone to bed an hour ago.

真田弦一郎

Sanada Genichiroh

…

２月５日月曜日

Monday, February 5th

Today was strangely wonderful.

I'm not quite sure how to explain it logically, since it should have been a rather difficult twenty-four hours. After all, Sanada was here in my house when I woke up in the morning, and I knew that he would still be upset about the whole situation with Yukimura. And then there was my little problem concerning Sanada, which I had just discovered the previous night… Needless to say, I had already decided that I was going to have to be very careful to keep myself from revealing anything about my feelings for him.

But to my surprise, it wasn't a strain at all. I was mainly focused on trying to help him forget about Yukimura, just for one day, so I wasn't really thinking about my own problems. And strangely enough, it didn't seem very hard to help Sanada forget about his situation; he was surprisingly amiable and complied readily with my suggestions. So I would like to think that we truly are friends now, in spite of my fear that we would never be anything but enemies.

And I will force myself to be content with that.

I woke up rather early this morning, and almost forgot where I was… Much to my confusion, I was actually sitting up in my bed, and suddenly I realized that I had fallen asleep while I was reading back over my previous journal entry. Of course, the very next thing that I did was look beside me, and sure enough, there was Sanada, still fast asleep with his head half-buried in the pillows. Well, my heart practically leapt into my throat when I remembered everything that had happened yesterday, and I nearly repeated my foolish error from the previous night, in leaning down to kiss that strong forehead…

But I stopped myself just in time, and I am certain that the smile that appeared on my face was a rather ironic one. Honestly, how ridiculous could I get? Once again, I was letting my more impulsive side get the best of me, and that simply wouldn't do, not if I was going to hide how I felt for the rest of the day. And I was absolutely determined to do so.

It was obvious that Sanada had been absolutely exhausted yesterday, so I thought that I would wait for him to wake up on his own. I then proceeded to spend the next hour and a half in my usual way: picking out my clothes, taking a shower, and getting dressed. I even went downstairs and had breakfast in the dining hall, but every time that I would go back up into my room to check on my guest, Sanada was still fast asleep. And every time, I found myself smiling at that fact; he was either a very hard sleeper, or he was finding out for himself how difficult it can be to get out of my bed in the morning. (I have slept on many nice mattresses in my lifetime, but I have to admit that I am still incredibly partial to my own… It's as soft as a cloud, and much larger than any human being could possibly need.)

In any case, it was nearly twenty minutes past the time that I normally leave for school, and it was Monday, after all, so my servants naturally started expressing some concern about this fact… Which was when I revealed to them that I had absolutely no intention of going to school today. No, I had already decided that Sanada and I were going to shirk our responsibilities for the day, and I was going to distract him from the Yukimura situation if it killed me. At that point, I also sent my butler down into the kitchen, to instruct the chef to prepare a large breakfast for my guest and leave it in the room so that he would find it when he woke up.

I then spent the next forty minutes or so flipping through the newspaper and sipping a cup of tea in the downstairs parlor. I was trying to look for something interesting that Sanada and I could do for the rest of the day, something that would be guaranteed to put him in a good mood. But nothing really caught my eye… The pages were full of advertisements for amusement parks, and there were a few new movies that had just been released. But somehow, I couldn't quite picture how Sanada would react to spending a day doing things that seem like clichéd archetypes of the teenage dating scene. For all I knew, it might remind him of the time he spent with Yukimura and only serve to make his mood even worse.

I sat there puzzling over this problem quite a bit longer than I meant to, and then I suddenly realized that Sanada might be awake. So I made my way upstairs again, and sure enough, I walked into my bedroom and discovered that Sanada was sitting up in bed and had already helped himself to breakfast. I couldn't help being happy about that; it was a good sign that he hadn't been too upset to eat. So I said a rather cheerful good morning to him, and he thanked me for breakfast. I was almost surprised by how polite he was… Even though I know that he's a generally polite person, I can't say that I would remember to have good manners if my heart had been broken only two days ago.

Well, of course I said he was very welcome, and I asked him if he had slept well. (Though I already suspected that he had.) He confirmed my assumption, and I noted that he must have been tired. There was a slight pause, and then my previous quandary came back into my train of thought, so I asked him what he wanted to do today. Well, of course he instantly remembered that it was a Monday morning, and that he was late for school, but I put an extremely quick stop to all of his concerns about that particular detail. I proceeded to inform him that he wasn't going to school today, and that I was going to "play hooky" with him, as the colloquial phrase goes.

Much to my surprise, he didn't put up much of a protest, even though I had expected at least some resistance from him. In fact, he just looked rather confused; I think he interjected something along the lines of, "What?" So I decided that confusion was probably my greatest ally at that point in time, and immediately suggested that he take a shower, in an attempt to perpetuate his bewilderment. Of course, it worked like a charm, as far as the confusion went, but I also thought that a warm shower might make him feel better. I know that as far as my personal habits go, I can't go through the day gracefully without taking a shower first thing in the morning… There's just something about it that feels like a fresh start, and goodness knows that Sanada probably needed one.

So I immediately told him that he could use my shower, and pointed the way to my bathroom. He protested, of course, citing as an excuse the obvious fact that he didn't have any soap. (Does he honestly use nothing except soap when he bathes? That's so like him.) Naturally, I told him that he could use my soap. In fact, he could have his choice out of the approximately ten thousand bars that are stored securely on my bathroom shelves. (What did he think I was going to suggest? That he run to the nearest drugstore and pick up some for himself? Surely he knows better than that.) Honestly, I was so amused by that point that I could barely suppress a smile, so I ducked behind him and gently pushed him through the doorway.

Well, to make a long story short, he submitted to the confusion and took a shower. I have to admit, there was a strange part of me that was almost charmed by how compliant he was being… It was so different from our usual interaction, even if it was just a result of the unfortunate circumstances that had brought him to my house. And then I remembered that I needed to finish my own routine for the morning. So I waited until I could safely assume that he was in the shower (my shower is a walk-in and it's tucked behind a wall, so there was no risk of bothering him), and then I situated myself in front of my bathroom mirror to wash my face and fix my hair. (And plenty of other things which don't particularly need to be mentioned, of course.)

The whole time, though, I was talking with him over the sound of the running water, asking him again what we should do for the day. He didn't seem to particularly care either way, but I was set on coming up with something interesting. I listed off an extremely broad variety of activities, but all I really got from him in response was an assorted array of grunting noises. Of course, I had to smile to myself, and couldn't help mentally noting that he certainly wasn't the kind of person to be easily impressed.

But then I thought of a way that I just might be able to impress him. So I suggested that we go shopping.

There was the funniest noise in the shower stall at that point; it was a kind of loud "thunk" noise against the tile, so I have to assume that Sanada dropped his bar of soap in response. And then he repeated my suggestion out loud. It was the biggest reaction that I had gotten from him during the entire conversation, so I decided that this was the activity I had been looking for. Besides, I was rather relishing the idea of buying him something truly expensive, just to see how he would react. So I informed him that I would buy him something, but of course he said that "wasn't necessary."

As I truthfully told him, it was nothing. Unless he asked for a sports car, I'm not sure what he could possibly want that would exceed my monthly allowance. So he sighed and relented, and I had to smile again at the unmistakable tone of martyrdom in his voice.

Oh, Sanada… Only you could turn the prospect of a free gift into an expression of reluctant obligation.

Of course, that rather endearing sigh only reinforced my resolve to make the day a truly pleasant one for him, so I immediately began racking my brain for the best possible way to carry out my plan. And the schedule that I chose turned out to be a surprisingly successful one. We spent the first part of the morning browsing some of the more expensive stores in the downtown shopping district. (It was an experience in and of itself introducing Sanada to the world of designer clothes. "What the hell is that?" "That's a Gucci coat, Sanada." "… It's ugly." "Yes. Yes, it is. But it costs more than the economy of some African nations." "… That's stupid." "Welcome to commercialism, my friend.")

Then I suggested that we go see a movie. I tried to pick the flashiest one with the most special effects, in an unspoken effort to keep him distracted from his personal problems, if only for one day… It certainly fit the bill as far as "distracting" went; I've never seen so many pointless explosions in an hour and a half. But it seemed to hold Sanada's attention well enough, despite the fact that he didn't express any particular interest in it afterwards. As for me, I spent most of the time in the theater glancing at his face, trying to make sure that he wasn't getting depressed again… Unfortunately, I have to admit that my thoughts began to wander more than once during that particular process, and I had to stop myself from staring too intently at his face in order to avoid any questions on his part.

It's such a terrible habit of mine… I could stare for an hour at something that interests me, and I often do, much to the disturbance of the person involved. In fact, my involuntary hand gesture during those occasional flashes of insight is almost like a derivative of that same habit. And it has an unfortunate tendency to scare people, which I didn't exactly want to happen in this particular case.

Besides, what was I going to say? That I was staring at him because I find him attractive?

Not in a million years. And I mean that.

After the movie, I took him out to lunch at a nearby restaurant. Of course, he tried to be polite and ordered one of the least expensive things on the menu. But I wasn't going to let him get away with it… I proceeded to order him a few side dishes and some appetizers, along with the promise of dessert afterwards. At that point, I could see him bracing himself for the onslaught, and I almost laughed aloud. But I stopped myself just in time and warned him that he had better not try to finish all of it, because I wasn't going to tolerate his idea of good manners today. No, I was treating him, and that was final. That was the whole point of forcing him to play hooky, after all. I wanted him to enjoy having a day off, not kill himself with his misguided notions of duty.

Meanwhile, I vowed to myself that I was going to spend the rest of the day trying to find a perfect gift for Sanada. As entertaining as it had been to spend the morning educating him about designer labels, I really wanted to buy him something special before the day was over, something that he could actually use but that he couldn't afford to buy for himself. So I started to take him to several shops with this goal in mind… I took him to an electronics store to show him some of the latest digital cameras, and then I took him to one of the clothing stops that I frequent and introduced him to the cashmere sweater. (The only thing that I insisted was that he couldn't look at the price tags on anything that we saw. I knew that if he did, he was probably going to have one of his fits of honor and refuse to let me buy anything.)

We went on like this until it was late in the afternoon, and by that point, I had absolutely exhausted my list of ideas. He seemed to like some of the things that I had shown him, which was a fairly good sign, but to be perfectly honest, I was disappointed with myself. Where was my usually flawless intuition about buying gifts for others? I wasn't going to be content with buying him something that he simply liked. No, I wanted to find the perfect gift for Sanada Genichiroh. But what could that be? It had to functional; that went without saying. And it should have been simple and elegant, not gaudy or over the top, or otherwise it wouldn't suit him at all…

And then it came to me.

What he needed was a pen.

I don't know why I had forgotten that conversation that we had about journals during the previous night, but it suddenly resurfaced in my memory in the very moment that I was ready to give up. And from that point on, I was confident that I had found my answer. A pen could be a very nice, expensive gift, but it was also completely functional. Besides, I knew that Sanada would get plenty of use out of it. It was perfect. So without telling him where we were going, I took him straight to the stationary store where I buy all of my pens, and I asked the saleswoman to show us the nicest ones that they had.

Well, the second that she opened the case for the most expensive models, I knew that my suspicions had been correct. Sanada's eyes actually lit up, and he looked more interested in those pens than he had been in anything else that I had showed him all day long. I have to admit, my heart skipped a few beats… He looked genuinely excited, and I was so proud that I had thought of it. And I could tell almost instantly which one he liked the most; it was a classic black pen with genuine gold accents, and I have to say, it suited him perfectly. When he finally told me that he liked that one, I asked the saleswoman to write down the price so that Sanada couldn't see it.

It's a good thing that he didn't see it… The pen cost quite a bit more money that I would have estimated that I was going to spend on him.

But I can truly say that I won't miss any of it in the least.

At that point, I told Sanada rather humorously that he had very good taste, which made him realize that it must have been quite expensive. And his usual politeness resurfaced as he tried to talk me out of buying it, but I was pleased to notice that he wasn't trying as hard as he usually does, which must have meant that he really, truly wanted it. Well, that was all the convincing that it took for me to do exactly as I had intended, and I proceeded to tell the saleswoman that I was going to buy it. I also asked Sanada if he could wait for half an hour so that I could have it engraved with his name, and he agreed.

Of course, he told me afterwards that I really didn't have to do that. But I insisted that he not even give it a second thought, and then he gave me the only reward that I could possibly want… He thanked me. He smiled down at the shopping bag in his hand, and he sincerely thanked me.

For a split second, I forgot that my feet were still on the ground.

I took him home in my limousine, and the ride there was fairly quiet, but it wasn't one of those oppressive silences that give me the irrepressible urge to start talking. In fact, it was actually rather pleasant, and I sat there secretly glowing with satisfaction from the afternoon's success. Even if I had decided that I was never going to tell him how I felt, I could still do a small thing like that, some practically invisible thing that would give me the chance to express that I care about him. And there was no risk of me getting hurt, and it helped him to forget about his problems for a little while… And he even has a beautiful pen to use for writing in his journal from now on, so it wasn't an entirely trivial gesture.

Anyway, we arrived at his house sooner than I expected, and Sanada got out of the car. And I have to admit that some part of me felt almost depressed… I had truly enjoyed spending time with him for the day, and now it was over. And who knows when I'll see him again? It could be weeks… or even months, just like after Nationals… I might not even see him until the next regional tennis tournament, and by that time, he'll hardly remember that any of this happened…

God, I really am depressing myself.

In any case, Sanada didn't immediately head for his front door, like I might have predicted that he would. Much to my surprise, he lingered right outside my window, as if there was something that he wanted to say to me. And then he suddenly thanked me "for everything," as he put it. Well, I was secretly touched by the fact that he seemed to have valued the experience almost as much as I did, and I was also very glad that he thought that it had been worth his time. And so I told him the truth: I told him that it had been my pleasure.

It was my pleasure, Sanada. And you will never know how true that is.

He said something along the lines of "See you around," and I couldn't resist replying rather warmly that I hoped so. But the more I think about it, the more that seems like a complete impossibility at this point. Why would we see each other again? Yukimura and Tezuka's little scheme is over. And we may have finally overcome our animosity for each other, but I am quite certain that I am not anywhere near the top of Sanada's list of friends and acquaintances. And of course, I already knew that buying him that pen won't guarantee that he will seek me out in the future. I know you can't buy friendship, any more than you can purchase the stars. And buying love is even more of an impossibility, as I happen to know all too well…

In any case, it was a lonely ride home, which only led to an even lonelier night spent alone in my room.

Even my bed feels empty, as I sit here writing today's entry and thinking back on what happened during the day. And I have been spending most of the evening indulging in the most ridiculous behavior… I do have a perfectly legitimate right to be worried about Sanada, since it goes without saying that he will have a rough time ahead of him, if he really is going to confront Yukimura about what happened between him and Tezuka. But that doesn't excuse the way that my thoughts keep wandering away from that particular subject and instead focusing on him alone. I keep thinking about the way he smiled when I bought him that pen, and wondering if he's truly going to be alright, and trying to stop myself from calling him to see if he's alright…

Honestly, I'm acting like a fool.

I suppose that could be a sign that I truly am in love.

Sincerely,

Atobe Keigo

跡部景吾

…

２月６日火曜日

Tuesday, February 6th

I thought I was going to be ready to talk to Yukimura today. Now I'm not sure that I was. I mean, I knew what was going to happen. I just didn't think it would be this hard.

It was a good thing, though, that I didn't have to talk to him first thing in the morning, like I was expecting. I arrived at school at my usual time, and sure enough, Renji and Yukimura were there, sitting in the classroom and talking. They said good morning, and I returned the greeting nervously. Having to face Yukimura again… I don't know. My palms started sweating. A huge part of me suddenly wanted to run away.

Renji got out of his chair and said, "Akaya wanted me to check on morning practice today. I should go do that…" I thought he was leaving so Yukimura and I could be alone to talk, but on his way out, he grabbed my arm and said, "Come with me, Genichiroh."

On the way to the courts, I noticed that he was walking very quickly. I didn't understand why then, but I think he was angry. At Yukimura. Maybe that shouldn't come as such a shock to me. I found out later that Yukimura had explained to Renji what had happened, and I suppose it's natural that Renji would have been worried about me. I guess I just never expected him to take my side so strongly.

We got to the tennis courts, and he told me what he'd heard from Yukimura. Except he kind of left out Yukimura's side of the story, which I'll explain later… But he asked me if I wanted to talk about it. I said that there wasn't really much else to talk about, and that I was just upset about the whole thing, as I'm sure he could imagine. He nodded and was quiet for a minute. But then he turned to me and said, "You don't seem as upset as I thought you'd be, though." And then he asked me where I was yesterday.

I didn't really want to tell him about my whole escapade with Atobe. I think he could tell I didn't want to answer, and he added that I didn't have to explain if I didn't want to. So instead, I simply told him that I'd decided to skip school, and someone had been there to help me feel better.

After another pause, he asked me what I was planning to do about the whole situation. I told him I didn't know exactly, but I assumed that things were over with Yukimura. Renji nodded. Then he said something that I thought was rather harsh: "It's just as well. He's really not the one for you, Genichiroh." I have to admit that it still bothered me to hear something like that, so I replied, "You didn't seem to think so when we first got together."

His reply shocked me.

He said, "If I had said something then, would you have listened?"

I never answered his question. My mouth nearly dropped open and I demanded to know if he'd thought all along that Yukimura and I wouldn't work out. I couldn't believe it; he said he had. His excuse for not saying anything about it? "The two of you were so happy at first; I didn't want to interfere."

I still wish he would have told me. I hate having to learn things the hard way.

I sighed and crossed my arms. I wasn't in the mood to argue or ask anymore questions. But I did feel like I had to tell him: "If Yukimura's not the one for me, then I don't think anyone is."

My eyes remained on the team practice, though I can't say I actually saw what was going on. I felt Renji staring at me for a while, and then he suddenly blurted out, "Atobe."

I jumped. At first I thought he was responding to my statement by saying that Atobe was the one for me, which is of course ridiculous. But when I said, "What?" he responded, "You saw Atobe yesterday… didn't you?"

How does he know these things?

The whole story sort of spilled out then. I had to tell him because I didn't really want to have to play twenty questions and let him come up with his own conclusions. I even showed him the pen that Atobe bought for me, which I had with me in the inside pocket of my jacket. In retrospect, perhaps I shouldn't have taken such a nice pen to school with me, but I thought it might help me feel better if something went horribly wrong. Renji seemed impressed, though he wouldn't tell me how much the pen was probably worth.

Between Renji and the rest of my former teammates, I was distracted for most of the day. Everyone was asking me where I'd been yesterday, and I had to come up with numerous vague replies just so I wouldn't have to tell them. They weren't satisfied with most of my answers, so I had to come up with even more vague replies on top of that. Also, Marui later caught me looking at my new pen, and made a huge fuss about it. Suddenly everyone wanted to know where I got it. Eventually they got it out of me that it was a gift, and I had a difficult time convincing them that I wasn't going to tell them who gave it to me.

I could sense Yukimura keeping his distance for most of the day. I'm sure he didn't want to talk to me until we could be alone, which was understandable. I don't think either of us are good enough actors to talk to each other in front of everyone else and make it seem like everything was normal.

I knew I had to face him eventually though, so I lingered in the classroom after school. Renji asked me if I was alright before he left, and, in a whisper, offered to let me come over to his house if I didn't want to talk to Yukimura. I thanked him but said no, and he patted me on the shoulder and left. Then I turned to face my boyfriend.

We both said hi, kind of nervously… I suddenly realized that he was just as nervous about this as I was, if not more, which kind of made sense. (At least I had a completely clear conscience.) He asked me to sit down, and then he started apologizing for what happened. He said that he didn't mean for it to happen, and I asked him then what exactly had happened.

Luckily, it wasn't the "worst-case scenario." Actually, it was probably the best that it could have been, considering what I saw. Nothing had been going on between them beforehand. Tezuka hadn't even asked permission to kiss Yukimura, which I almost couldn't believe. It didn't sound like him at all. Yukimura also added that he was pretty angry with Tezuka after I left.

The first question that popped into my head was, "Then why did you have your arms around his neck?" But I didn't say that. Instead I asked him what would have happened if I hadn't caught them, because I assumed that Yukimura would not have been as angry with Tezuka, had that been the case. And I was right. Yukimura admitted that they probably would have just agreed to pretend that it never happened. (Part of me almost wishes that had been the case… But in the end, I guess it's better that I found out.)

Yukimura knew that I was disappointed with his answer, so he said he didn't want to make excuses. He started saying how he should have known what was coming, and how he should have stepped away, but I interrupted him. I said, "You wanted him to." It was more of a question, but I was right nonetheless. Yukimura started to argue, but soon he admitted that part of him had wanted Tezuka to kiss him. And then he said he was sorry.

I felt my stomach start to churn. But at least he was being honest with me. I didn't really know what to say, though. So I just sat there. I must have looked a little angry, because he asked, "You're never going to forgive me, are you?"

I told him right away that wasn't true. As I've said before, I'd forgive him in a millisecond if he wanted me to. But even the way he asked the question helped prove my assumption that he didn't really want me to forgive him. If he truly wanted me to, he would have started begging. Instead, he seemed completely resigned to the fact that I wasn't going to. He seemed surprised, though, when I told him that I would. But then I added that it didn't matter, because he wanted to break up and we were going to.

I guess I was being a little short with him. I was just getting impatient. He doesn't get it. He was still surprised that I didn't seem eager to dump him. I could never get him to understand how much I need him, and how much I would go through before I let him go. I would never have broken up with him if he was still truly in love with me, no matter how many times he cheated. The only reason I was doing that today was for him, because it was what he wanted.

There was just one more thing I wanted to know, before we were through forever. I just wanted to know why he didn't want me anymore.

After today, I'm still not sure I understand why. None of what he said makes enough sense to me. But I'm going to try to write it down as objectively as I can, and maybe someday I'll look back on it and be able to figure out what he was talking about.

He said there were a lot of reasons why we shouldn't be together. He said he always felt like he was telling me what to do, which I guess was true. He said he wanted me to ask for things more often. Here I had to interrupt; I told him I was just glad to spend time with him, and make him happy. What more was I supposed to ask for?

Something occurred to him then, as if for the first time. Maybe it was for the first time, though I can't imagine why he didn't know it before. He asked me if I felt like I didn't deserve him. I told him that I don't. I mean, honestly, didn't he know that? I've always felt that I don't deserve him. He's always been above me somehow in almost every way.

I guess what surprised him the most was that I still felt that way, even after I caught him cheating on me. That hurt a little, to realize that he still seemed so far above me, even though he'd kind of betrayed me. I had to choke back a lump in my throat to say that I still felt the same way, even after everything that's happened.

He said it "broke his heart to hear me say that".

What does he know about a broken heart?

He then identified this as the problem. He said that it was because I treated him like he was above me that things didn't work out. (But what else was I supposed to do? Act like things weren't the way they actually were?) He said that I worshipped the ground he walked on (which I thought was supposed to be a good thing). And then he started saying that he didn't feel quite that strongly about me, that he loved me but that he had even started to lose some of his respect for me, because of the way I acted around him.

The truth was finally coming out.

It explains so much, really, to say that he lost his respect for me. He didn't respect me enough to tell me how he felt. He didn't respect me enough to tell me a lot of other things. He didn't respect me enough to end our relationship sooner. He was even going to hide the fact that he had cheated on me, if I hadn't caught him in the act.

I feel so much better now.

(Excuse my sarcasm.)

I pulled my cap down slightly over my eyes. I couldn't look at him anymore. He apologized then, saying that he hadn't meant for that to come out, but I reminded him that he'd meant it. He said, "Kind of." Then he started laying out some crap about how this was supposed to be about me and how he was so worried that I got nothing out of our relationship.

Why would he think that?

I got plenty out of our relationship. Like I said before, I just liked being near him, and seeing him happy. I was honored to be his boyfriend. Why doesn't he understand? I lived to see him smile. Maybe to him, that would sound pathetic. But it was worth it. It wasn't nothing to me.

I told him that it wasn't true. He said that I spent all my time worrying about him and not thinking about myself and what I wanted. (What's wrong with not being selfish?) He claimed that I wouldn't kiss him half as often if I didn't think he wanted it. I guess I couldn't completely argue with that point… But, again, I like doing what he wants. I've said that a million times, and I said it to him again. I told him, "I like seeing you happy."

His reply was, "I feel the same way about you, Sanada. But you're not happy with me."

I'm still not quite sure what to think about that.

Of course I argued with him. But he argued right back. He seemed convinced that I was miserable being his boyfriend. Why would he think that? Maybe it's because I don't wear my heart on my sleeve, and I have trouble expressing when I'm happy… I tried desperately to think of an example that would prove how happy I was with him. The first thing I thought of was the night we made love, so I used that.

And then Yukimura did the unthinkable.

He discounted it. He said that night only happened because everything was still so new and exciting to us, and we were trying to get rid of extra energy we had left over from Nationals… I couldn't believe what I was hearing. He was talking about the most beautiful night of my life, the one night where I'd never felt so sure of anything before or since, and he was saying that we were just kidding ourselves.

I guess it was appropriate, though. That night, I was also sure that we'd be together forever, and here we were, breaking up…

I asked him what in the hell he was saying. He responded by saying that I'm not attracted to him. Why the hell would he ever think that? Does he think I'm blind? He must--

Sorry. I said I was going to stay as objective as possible. Let me try again…

I tried to point out to him that I think he's the most beautiful person in the world. He argued that I thought he was attractive, but I wasn't actually attracted to him. And he said that I'd proved it by not ever asking him to sleep with me again. He asked me if it had ever even crossed my mind.

I was going to argue, but I stopped myself. I suddenly realized that arguing wasn't really going to do me any good at that point; we were breaking up, either way. And I guess sex hadn't really crossed my mind after that first night, at least not often. So I just sat back and let him keep talking. He said it was because of that night that he knew I wasn't attracted to him. That he'd seen "how passionate I could be," but had only seen it that one time, and that he wanted me to be with someone who made me feel like that all the time. He said he wished I didn't "feel stuck" with him. (What's wrong with being loyal?)

I think he could tell I wasn't really buying it, so he stopped to ask me if he'd gotten something wrong. I responded that I didn't know. He said, "Well, look at it this way: do you feel anything anymore when you kiss me?" I didn't answer. I didn't really know how to… What was I supposed to be feeling, when I kiss him?

What he said next was pretty much the final word. I want to see if I can remember it well enough to write it down; it's probably pretty important, if I want to understand someday…

He said something like, "You just kiss me because you feel like you have to. Sanada, that's exactly my point; I want you to kiss me and hold me and make love to me, and ask me for those things, but you never do. And that's because you don't really want to. You shouldn't have to force these things. I want a relationship where both people can't get enough of each other. But, Sanada, I think we've both kind of had enough of each other."

I don't get it. It still hurts too much to really ponder. Even at the time, I could feel that the end was coming, and it felt like my heart was being crushed in a trash compactor. (An appropriate comparison.) I didn't say anything; my cap went back over my eyes and I pressed my lips together as tightly as possible.

Yukimura told me to say something. I didn't know what he wanted me to say. And then he asked me to do something that made no sense at all… He told me to argue with him. He said, "If you really don't want this to end, say you want me so much that you'd never let anyone or anything take me away."

I do love him that much.

But I'm not strong enough to keep him from being taken away.

So I said, "I wouldn't want to tie you down."

He laughed a little (a fake laugh, not a real one) and made some comment about how that was the one time I didn't do what he told me to. I mentioned that I thought that was what he wanted. I heard him sigh and agree that it was.

I said, "Well, I guess this is it, then." He agreed again. I wanted to say something then, wanted to lash out against it because it all just seemed too easy. Letting go of something that's been your life for five months shouldn't be that easy… But I didn't say anything. I somehow felt like I couldn't.

He took my hand and told me that he hoped I'd find someone else. "Someone who drives you crazy, who you can't keep your hands off of, and who makes you happy," I think he said. Why does he think I'd ever feel that way about someone? I don't think I'll ever find someone like that. What if the feelings I had for Yukimura are the strongest I'll ever feel? I'd never felt that strongly about anything before. Who's to say that's not my limit? What I felt for him could very well be the most love I'll ever experience. And since it didn't work out with him, it's not going to work out with anyone else.

It's not hard for me to believe that. I'm not exactly an emotional person.

I asked him if he'd ever considered that there might be no one for me. He then promised that I'd find someone. (Sure, Yukimura, I'd love to see you keep that promise.) I was getting a little annoyed. I told him that even if I found someone, I'd never be happy, because I'd have nothing left to give that person.

Yukimura took everything from me.

I got up. I didn't want to talk to him anymore. I told him (a little bitterly) that I was glad he could be happy at least, now that he was free. He said my name hesitantly, but I didn't want to hear his retort. So I told him goodbye. Forever.

I got out into the hall, and Renji was there. He'd been eavesdropping. We stared at each other for an awkward moment, both a little shocked. Me, at seeing him there; him, that I'd come out so abruptly.

He then said, "Genichiroh, I'm sorry." I don't know whether he was apologizing for being there, or for what had happened. I didn't care. Suddenly, I was angry at him.

I'd trusted him. I'd taken his advice, and it blew up in my face.

And I wanted him to know that.

I said something to the effect of, "You said that nothing bad would happen, if I waited for Yukimura to say something." Then I paused, waiting for a response. He didn't have one (go figure; the one time he didn't know what to say). So I added exactly what I was feeling in that moment: "Thanks for nothing, Renji." And then I left.

I hope that stung.

For the rest of the afternoon and evening, I've been here in my room, feeling kind of numb. Which makes sense enough; I gave my heart to Yukimura. Now he's no longer close to me, so it's like my heart isn't there at all anymore. It's probably laying crushed and broken on the ground somewhere, wherever he happened to decide to let go of it.

Five months.

No… three years. Three years of getting to know each other, growing together, taking care of each other, slowly falling in love…

Over. Done. Finished. After an unfortunate accident and ten minutes of talking, it's all gone. All that time is rendered completely worthless.

I guess this is what happens when you gamble everything. You end up with nothing.

How could he do this? How could he just let go of everything the two of us have shared? Did it not mean that much to him? I know for me, the past five months have been the most beautiful months of my life…

What about all those wonderful times we spent together?

What about our first date? It was really simple, I know—dinner, I think, maybe a movie—but it was wonderful. I remember how happy we both were. We could hardly stop smiling at each other. I remember how exciting it was, just to realize he was going to let me hold his hand…

What about that night we made love? We were at his house, everything was dark and quiet… I kissed him, he kissed back, and then whispered in my ear, "Are you ready?" And he quietly started unbuttoning his shirt. We were both somewhat nervous, but it was so wonderful, being that close…

What about the first time he told me he was in pain? I hadn't realized before that he was still dealing with the after-effects of his illness. But he finally told me, and I was happy, knowing that he trusted me like that. He let me hold him; he even cried a little. He told me how glad he was that I was there to comfort him…

What about the first cold night of the season? We spent it at my house, by the kotatsu heater. We were watching the snow fall through the paper screen. Eventually, he just fell asleep in my arms, and it was so warm…

What about Christmas? All that time we spent shopping together… I enjoyed every minute of it. And then when we had our team party, and we got to watch everyone open the gifts we'd picked out for them, together. Nioh and Akaya set us up, and caught us under the mistletoe. And we kissed, right in front of everyone, and we didn't care. We were still laughing about it afterwards, when we were alone together, cuddling by a warm fire…

What about New Year's? We went to the festival together, watched the fireworks… I caught him a goldfish, and he gave it to a little boy and girl who hadn't caught any. It was a little cold, but we were warm, just as long as we were together…

All of that was a waste of time, in the end.

At what point through those events did he start to get tired of me? When did he decide he didn't want me anymore? How many times did he wish he could tell me?

And what about all of the things we never got to do together? We wanted to take a trip sometime, before high school started, maybe to Osaka or even another country. Just spend a couple of days together, just us and our families. And we talked about starting high school, and having a picnic under the cherry blossom trees, when they bloomed…

And the watch he got me; I never got to make it up to him… I wanted to celebrate his birthday with him, in March… It's less than a month away. I could still get him something, but I won't be allowed to return the kiss he gave me along with the watch, on my half-birthday…

And we talked about celebrating Valentine's Day together…

Oh, god. That's in eight days, isn't it?

That's not fair.

None of this is fair. I can't take it anymore. I need to stop writing. I don't want to go to school tomorrow. I'd rather die. I'm tired of it all. I have nothing left. I'm tired…

真田弦一郎

Sanada Genichiroh

…

２月６日火曜日

Tuesday, February 6th

Well, today was a perfectly normal, commonplace, dull, boring kind of day…

Which made it very strange, because in spite of that, I still feel as though I have been walking on air ever since I woke up this morning.

I wouldn't exactly say that I feel happy about my situation, especially given the fact that I have promised myself that I will never tell anyone about how I feel toward Sanada. But there is still something to be said for waking up in the morning and having that sudden feeling of remembering that you're in love with someone. Even if it's unrequited, it has the strangest way of making every moment seem more significant, as though it is suddenly possible that something wonderful could be about to happen, in spite of any evidence to the contrary. After all, if it's possible to feel this way about someone, then what could be impossible…?

It is times like these that I realize that I have far too many foolish sentiments hiding away in my heart for my own good.

In any case, I went to school today as usual, and I was somewhat surprised by all the inquiries as to why I wasn't in class yesterday. During lunch, all my friends demanded to know where I had been, but of course I wasn't about to tell them what had really happened… Such a story is far too complicated to explain in the space of one lunch hour, and anyway, I have a rather frivolous wish to keep yesterday's experience to myself. I can't quite explain why, but there is something almost satisfying about keeping that kind of secret locked inside your heart, where it can safely remain the pleasant memory that you thought it was, instead of being picked apart by your curious acquaintances. So I just smiled a little and told them that I had been busy doing other things.

Of course, they didn't want to leave it at that… Several of them continued to try and get a more substantial answer out of me, but I didn't even give them so much as a hint as to what had really happened. It was rather enjoyable, actually, to dodge their questions, if only because they were getting so comically frustrated about it. Jiroh even exclaimed at one point, "Come on, Atobe… Something obviously happened to you! Tell us about it. Please?" But I just laughed… I can't really say no to Jiroh, and it was remarkable how well he understood the situation, but I still wasn't going to explain what I had been doing.

Eventually, they moved on to other subjects, and I found myself listening to the conversation with some interest. Oshitari and Gakuto had been helping the second-years with tennis practice yesterday, and Gakuto was teasing Hiyoshi about some first-year player who recently transferred to the school and is apparently quite talented. Gakuto kept going on about how "he just loves that kid, don't you, Hiyoshi?" But Hiyoshi just growled and muttered something about, "That brat needs an attitude adjustment. And he's going to get it before the year is out." I couldn't resist a smile, but I did stop myself from making a comment about how Hiyoshi was finally going to have his chance to deal with a difficult underclassman.

And shortly after that, something rather amusing happened… Shishido and Ootori both sneezed at exactly the same time. Apparently, there's a cold going around, and they both caught it yesterday. (Which isn't exactly surprising… Given all the time that they spend together now, I'm sure that they'll always get sick at the same time.) Anyway, Shishido was wondering if anyone had any extra tissues, but no one did, so Jiroh handed them the box that had been sitting on one of the book shelves. And Ootori asked politely if our coach would mind if they used them, so Shishido launched into some sarcastic comment about how "after we gave him all of our blood, sweat, and tears for twenty-four months, I think he can spare us some freakin' Kleenex," by which point our coach had walked in without him noticing. So he proceeded to give Shishido a heart attack, saying calmly, "I suppose I could spare you some 'freaking Kleenex,' Shishido, but you still owe me another practice session with the second-years. You had better come once you've recovered."

At which point Shishido squeaked out something resembling a "Yes sir," as Sakaki coolly took his lesson plan off of the front table and walked back out of the room. And we all had a good laugh, even Shishido (well, as soon as he'd gotten over the shock, anyway). And then shortly after that, the warning bell rung… So it was really a rather pleasant lunch hour, and it was certainly the most interesting thing that happened to me all day.

But somehow, that hasn't stopped me from feeling almost excited all day long. It really is the strangest thing… I know that nothing is going to happen, and I know that there is no possible way that Sanada is thinking about me, at least not in the way that I am constantly thinking about him. Besides, he still has to deal with the whole Yukimura situation, and I'm certain that won't be a pleasant experience. But in every single spare moment, I still find myself wondering how he's doing, and where he is right now, and whether or not he has had a chance to use his new pen, and if he just might be thinking about me while he uses it… And I know that it's terribly foolish, but I really can't seem to stop thinking like this.

At least I know that I won't have any trouble keeping my feelings a secret from him. After all, I probably won't see him for months, and by that time, I'm sure that I will be used to hiding it…

But then again, it's strange to think of holding onto an emotion like this for months. I wonder why I can't seem to imagine myself letting go of it. It's not the first time that I've been infatuated with someone, and I've always recovered from it in the past…

But every single time that I think of him, I feel like I'm falling in love all over again.

Does truly being in love mean that you never stop falling?

Sincerely,

Atobe Keigo

跡部景吾

…

２月７日水曜日

Wednesday, February 7th

I feel better today.

I don't feel completely alright, but I've come to a decision: I'm not going to mope around about it anymore. I'm tired of it. The only thing that's going to accomplish is making things harder for me. So I'm not going to do it anymore. I'm not going to trap myself in a downward spiral.

I woke up this morning at my desk; I fell asleep while writing, which is why my last entry trailed off like it did. I really need to stop writing such long entries, and start going to bed on time… In any case, when I got up I felt strangely focused and refreshed.

School today was a prolonged exercise in boredom. It was a little annoying, too… It got around very quickly that Yukimura and I had broken up, and all of our friends were absolutely devastated. The way they whined about it, you would have thought that all of them had somehow been dumped. I didn't realize that someone else's relationship could matter so much to them.

Renji was the only salvation I had through all of this. He was the one who calmly explained to everyone that our decision was between me and Yukimura, and that they should be sympathetic and stop making it a bigger deal than it was. After school, Renji asked me if I wanted to come over to his house. I said yes. I felt bad about what I said to him yesterday… I think I was just taking out my anger on him. I didn't really know how to apologize, though, so I thought spending an evening with him might be a good way to show him that I wasn't really mad at him.

We didn't do much. We studied, had dinner, and watched a pointless movie. We also talked, which I think helped me a lot. I asked Renji to explain a few of the reasons why he thought Yukimura and I didn't work out, and I think now I understand some of it a little better. And while I'm still really lonely and upset, I'm starting to realize that breaking up with Yukimura wasn't a completely bad thing. I'd still rather have him back, but at least now I don't have to constantly worry about making him happy.

Oh, and I guess I should mention that I did talk to Yukimura today, though it wasn't much. Basically it was just good morning, a question about schoolwork, him asking to borrow a piece of paper, and me asking if he had an extra napkin at lunch. But it wasn't painful for me, at least not as much as I thought it was going be. In fact, it felt rather natural.

Anyway, Renji told me that he thought I was going to be able to move on. He said, "If anyone can get through this, Genichiroh, you can." I hope he's right. I'm certainly going to try.

All of this to say that I really felt more like myself today. I can't explain it… I just felt more focused and under control, and ready and determined to face my problems. I'm not feeling happy, not even nearly… I still get the feeling that I may never smile again (It's not like I often did before). But I'm not going to waste my time talking about it anymore. That's just stupid.

Because of that, I really have nothing more to say. I guess I'll get a good night's sleep instead.

真田弦一郎

Sanada Genichiroh

…

２月７日水曜日

Wednesday, February 7th

I have just promised to do the most foolish thing that I have ever done in my entire life.

Naturally, it's all Tezuka's fault.

Well, it goes without saying that I didn't expect to see Tezuka today, not after the way that I told him off over the phone during the weekend. In fact, some strange part of me almost believed that all of this was over, all of the secrets and the matchmaking and the ridiculous expectations. But then again, I suppose that I had forced myself to forget that it certainly wasn't over for Sanada… He still had to face Yukimura about what had happened with Tezuka, and if what he said to me on Sunday was true, he was going to break up with him because of it. So even if it was over for me, it certainly wasn't over for the rest of them…

I probably should have expected that I wasn't going to be allowed to stay out of it, either.

Anyway, Tezuka called me during my lunch hour to ask if he could come over to my house this evening. I have to admit, I wasn't really sure that I wanted to see him, especially because I had no idea why he would want to talk to me (which, given the recent string of events, made me more than a little wary). But I agreed just the same, and then I tried not to think about it for the rest of the school day. I have to admit that I did succeed fairly well in not thinking about the fact that Tezuka was coming over to my house, but it was at the expense of once again spending far too much time thinking about Sanada…

Honestly, I need to stop doing that.

In any case, I had almost forgotten about his visit by the time that the doorbell rang this evening. I had decided that I was going to be as cordial to him as possible, even if I was still somewhat angry with him for everything that had happened over the past month. So I walked downstairs to greet him and proceeded to invite him into my parlor for some tea. Unfortunately, despite my every attempt to keep the tone of our conversation as light-hearted as possible, I could see in his face that he had something that he wanted to say, and it wasn't exactly going to be a casual piece of news. He had that strange light in his eyes again, just like the last time that we had seen each other face to face, and it was fixed on me, so that I had hardly sat down and taken a sip out of my own cup before I started to become truly nervous about what he might have to say.

Well, it wasn't much longer before he said something about how he had talked to Yukimura on the phone last night. I have to admit, my heart started beating faster… A thousand scenarios began racing through my mind, and I couldn't help wondering whether or not they had really done it…

Tezuka instantly answered my unspoken question. He told me that Sanada and Yukimura had ended their relationship.

Of course, I had expected to hear this piece of news sooner or later. Sanada had told me himself that he couldn't possibly stay together with Yukimura after everything that had happened. Yes, I knew that it was coming…

But I didn't expect the flood of emotions that overcame my heart as a result.

I can't really explain all of what I was feeling, but some part of me was terribly sad about it. After all, they were always the picture-perfect couple that everyone whispered about, and I knew for a fact how much Yukimura meant to Sanada. Even if he had broken it off voluntarily, he must have been devastated. And some part of me was still angry with both Yukimura and Tezuka, for making such a mess out of something that had once been quite beautiful.

And yet… and yet…

I'm ashamed to admit it, but there was also a part of me that was happy.

It was ridiculous, of course. I never intended to tell Sanada my feelings. I didn't believe for a minute that he could possibly feel the same about me.

But somehow, just hearing that he was available again… That made some terribly foolish part of me start to hope, no matter what the practical side of me was insisting to the contrary.

I truly am a fool.

Well, I couldn't quite hide my agitation at this point, and I knew that Tezuka was looking at me, and so I stood up and stammered something about pouring myself more tea. My back was to him now, so I took a deep breath and set my cup down on the back counter so that I could pick up the teapot. And in the silence, I watched the steam coming out of the spout, and it seemed as though nothing more was going to be said, and I actually felt myself calm down somewhat. So I set the teapot back down and was about to get myself another lump of sugar…

At that point, Tezuka said my name.

I was startled, and the spoon dropped with a clatter, so I tried to pick it up again. And then I noticed that my hands were actually trembling, of all things, and I couldn't quite pick up the spoon again, no matter how hard I tried to fumble for it… So I was about to give up and ask Tezuka what he wanted, when Tezuka spoke again.

This time, I completely forget about the tea.

He asked me one simple question…

"You're in love with Sanada, aren't you?"

In that moment, my heart actually stopped beating. I was stunned. I couldn't even find a single word to say in reply… Of course, the answer to his question was yes, but I couldn't even believe that the question had been asked. After all, I had only just learned the answer to that question myself, and it goes without saying that I had been hiding my feelings ever since. What's more, Tezuka hadn't even seen me since I had realized it, not until this very same evening. Could he really tell that much, just after a few moments of looking into my face? I was almost frightened by the thought. If he could see it, then who was to say that I could keep fooling everyone else…?

Then Tezuka said my name again, right next to my ear, and I was shocked to see that he was suddenly standing by my side. And I could see in his eyes that he was still asking me that fatal question, and that look in his face was driving the truth out of me, in spite of my vow to never tell a single person about it…

The next thing I knew, I had murmured out a reluctant, "Yes."

Well, it didn't take long for him to start insisting that I should tell Sanada how I felt, but I finally had the presence of mind to return to my senses. And so it took me all of a split second to reply with a decided, "Not for the world," and I took my cup off of the counter and walked away from him. He sighed and followed me back to the sofa, and then he kept insisting that I should confess. But I interrupted him and told him that I wasn't the slightest bit interested in cleaning up after the mess that he and Yukimura had made, no matter how convenient it might seem to be for them both.

Tezuka suddenly got very quiet, so I thought that perhaps I had made a point that even he couldn't deny. I started to add that there was absolutely no reason why he couldn't start pursuing Yukimura now, if that was what he wanted, as long as they left me out it…

But then Tezuka interrupted me, almost too quietly. He said, "That has nothing to do with this. And Yukimura has already made it clear that it's never going to happen."

Well, of course I was surprised, so I asked him what he meant by that. He told me once again that Yukimura had never wanted that kiss to happen in the first place, and that it had been his own mistake. But most importantly, Yukimura had specifically told him that there could never be anything between them after that, and they would just have to forget that it had ever happened. And apparently Tezuka had agreed with him.

I have to admit that I was confused. I couldn't help asking why they had decided that, but Tezuka didn't answer me. And suddenly, I felt almost sorry for him… After all, Yukimura had talked him into getting involved, and it seemed as though he had actually become emotionally invested in the situation. Even if he wasn't exactly in love with Yukimura (and I'm still not entirely sure that he isn't), I could see that he was definitely unhappy with what they had decided. And I really couldn't understand what they had been trying to do through all of this, if now that it was all over, they weren't even going to acknowledge their apparent attraction to each other…

It just all seemed so pointless.

So I told him that. And I asked him what in the hell Yukimura had been trying to accomplish through all of this, if he was willing to throw his relationship with Sanada away over some technicality about physical attraction. And then I demanded to know why Tezuka had wanted to get involved, if the only thing that had happened in all of this chaos was that four perfectly content people were now perfectly miserable.

I set my cup down on the table, and I was about to get up and walk away again, but then Tezuka grabbed me by the hand and told me to sit down. I was almost shocked by the look in his eyes; it was as if they had suddenly caught fire, and I felt myself swallow uncomfortably. And then he started to talk, and I found myself focusing on every single word as though my life depended on it. I'd never seen him so passionate before, not even during that time when we had both stood on the same court and fought through the most painful tiebreaker I have ever played…

Even now, I still haven't forgotten a word of what he said.

"Listen to me, Atobe. I'm not here to argue with you about what Yukimura was trying to do. But I believe that he wanted the same thing that I did. And I'm only going to say this once, and I don't want you to doubt it for a second. There is only one reason that I ever agreed to get involved in this mess…"

I can still remember the sudden pressure of his hand on mine, as he said the next sentence.

"I did it for you."

I was speechless. I wanted to ask him what he meant, but I simply couldn't. And so he went on to tell me that the only reason that he had agreed to help Yukimura was because he was convinced that I had been falling in love with Sanada all along, and he wanted the two of us to be happy together. He said that Yukimura had never intended to hurt Sanada, and that from the very beginning, their only goal had been to help the both of us realize how attracted we were to each other. The only thing that they had ever wanted was for the two of us to become a couple. It wasn't a test, and it wasn't a trick… They just wanted to help us see it for ourselves. Tezuka went on to say that when he found out that this was Yukimura's true motive, he couldn't help agreeing to get involved with the whole plan, since he had always known how lonely I was and how I had always hoped for the chance to love someone.

Well, I didn't quite know what to feel… Of course, I was touched by what Tezuka had said, and I did believe him… I believed every word that he said about his own motives. But that only compounded my frustration at the one crucial error in their assumptions. And so I finally couldn't stop myself from blurting it out…

I told him that they were completely wrong. Sanada wasn't in love with me. And he never would be.

This was more painful to say than I would have expected, so I wrenched my hand out of his grasp and walked toward one of the windows. By the time that I had started looking through the glass at the garden lights down below, Tezuka had already asked me why I thought that Sanada could never love me. I couldn't repress a weak laugh at that, but I just said that we had always been enemies, and that the only one that Sanada loved was Yukimura. I couldn't help thinking about the way he had looked so desperate, when he sat in that very room and told me that Yukimura was everything to him. Even now, I'm not truly convinced that he could ever fall in love with anyone else.

But then Tezuka said something that pierced me right through the heart…

"Do you really want to be alone for the rest of your life, Atobe?"

I felt my fists clench in frustration, and I told him that of course I didn't want that, but there was still no way that Sanada could fall in love with someone like me. And then suddenly, Tezuka agreed with me.

As much as I had wanted to argue with him before, some silly part of me now wanted to take his previous position and argue it to the death. But that was ridiculous, and I knew it, and so I simply demanded to know why he was suddenly on my side.

Tezuka just sighed, and then he got up from where he was sitting and walked toward me. And he stood next to me, and then he told me that I was right… There was no way that Sanada was going to fall in love with me if I insisted on hiding myself from him. Suddenly, I couldn't help thinking of all the times that he had told me that I couldn't expect Sanada to know how I felt if I was always hiding my feelings, and that acting like a fake would never solve the problems between us… I asked him quietly if this was what he had meant by all of that. And he nodded, very seriously, and then he said the strangest thing…

"You've always lived your life by hiding behind a mask, Atobe. And that's why no one can fall in love with you. They can't see who you really are. You can't expect someone to love something that they can't see."

I didn't know what to say.

Tezuka was absolutely right.

That is the sole reason why Sanada and I are enemies, and that is also the reason why Sanada can't even stand to be around me. After all, I'm always acting like a heartless egomaniac in front of him, and who in the world could love someone who is only in love with himself? Of course he would never guess that I could love someone else… I'm always too busy informing him of how wonderful I am to even mention what I think of him, or anybody else, for that matter. How could he ever guess that I feel anything at all for another person? How could he know that there is more to me than a self-absorbed jerk who is only interested in my own abilities? How could he understand that the only reason that I act this way is just so that I can protect myself?

Even now, wasn't that the only reason why I was refusing to tell him how I felt? I was just too afraid of getting hurt. And that's exactly why I'm always so miserable.

I am forcing myself to be alone.

My heart was throbbing in my chest at this point, because I knew what was coming… But I asked Tezuka what I should do anyway.

And so he repeated himself for the third time. He told me that I should tell Sanada that I was in love with him. He then told me over and over again that it was the only way that Sanada would know how I felt, and that if I never took a risk, I could never expect anyone to accept a heart that was never offered. He told me that he and Yukimura were certain that if I would only show Sanada my true feelings, that he would fall in love with me as well. And he said that the only thing that was certain was that Sanada would never think twice about me if I never said anything to him.

I am such a reckless fool…

I promised Tezuka that I would tell him.

Even now, over three hours after Tezuka left my house, I can't believe that I gave him my word that I would tell Sanada how I felt. At the time, it seemed like the only answer that I could give… After all, I don't want to be miserable for the rest of my life, and the only way that I will ever find someone who could return my love is if I take a risk and expose my own heart.

But now, the only thing that I can seem to think about is every single reason why I had sworn to myself that I would never tell him. It's a terrible risk, after all, and I've been hurt before, and it really does seem like no one will ever feel that way about me… Especially not Sanada, who has always despised me and only just ended a relationship yesterday, a relationship that he treasured more than anything else in the entire world.

Yes, this is complete lunacy.

And yet… and yet…

And yet that terribly foolish part of me has started to hope against hope, just the same, and somehow, I still believe every well-intentioned word that Tezuka said. And I did promise him that I would tell Sanada the truth, and I won't be able to take it back without entering into another debate with him about it, a debate in which I will probably end up believing him all over again…

Well, then, let me take the plunge to my own ruin, regardless of my every misgiving.

It won't be the first time that I've done something unspeakably stupid.

Sincerely,

Atobe Keigo

跡部景吾

…

２月８日木曜日

Thursday, February 8th

Today was a little harder than yesterday. I'm not sure why, exactly… I guess it kind of didn't start out very well. I was almost late to school.

I might as well be honest. I woke up this morning and realized I'd had a wet dream. I don't remember what the hell I was dreaming about, but I can't say the timing was ideal, considering that I just broke up with Yukimura. I mean, I woke up again with that vague feeling that I'd had a good dream… And then about a minute after my alarm went off, I remembered that I didn't even have a boyfriend anymore. I felt so lonely suddenly. I'm kind of surprised that I was even able to have a good dream about Yukimura… At least, I think it must have been about him…

Anyway, I wanted to take care of it myself, because I was feeling a little embarrassed about it. (I'm still almost too embarrassed to write about it, but I figure no one's going to read this…) I soon realized, though, that I was still going to have to ask Mother to wash my bedclothes. It took me a few minutes and a lot of debating with myself to finally go tell her. She was very understanding, of course, but by that point I didn't have much time to get ready for school, and I had to run to catch the last train that would get me to school on time.

So already, I was feeling stressed.

The rest of the day was just little things. A pop quiz, a jammed pencil, a stray insensitive remark from Marui at lunch about the breakup… Just things like that. Nothing important, just enough to make me feel like I'd had a bad day.

Oh, except there was one other thing…

Atobe called me this evening.

He said he "wanted to talk to me about something." We're going to meet at the park where we keep running into each other, tomorrow after school. He sounded a little funny over the phone… A little too serious, and almost quiet… I don't know what that was all about, but I sort of have a bad feeling about it.

First of all, I just don't want to deal with him. Sure, it was nice that he was somewhat sensitive when I was trying to deal with everything at first, but I've moved on now. The best I can hope for is that he'll still be pitying me. I don't need or want his pity anymore. And I don't particularly like dealing with Atobe Keigo, ever.

And even worse, I doubt that's really what's going to happen; I'm probably not going to get any more pity from him. It's all too perfect, really. He was nice to me this weekend because, what do you know, he does have a shred of a human soul and he felt kind of bad for me. So, not really paying attention to what he was doing, he let me stay over and bought me a nice little gift. But then he must have realized he made a fatal mistake. ("Oh, that's right; I HATE Sanada Genichiroh. I can't have him thinking that I might—gasp—consider him worthy to be treated like a human being. Or even, that I might vaguely like him as a person." Faint. "Unthinkable!")

So now he's calling me out to take it all back.

I can just see it now… "Don't you dare think that this means we're friends or anything. What I did was purely charity for someone whom I consider most unfortunate, and it just proves that I'm above you and nicer than you and better than you in absolutely every way. But it's not going to happen again, Sanada. No, our feud is not over. Not that I'm implying that you're at all worthy of my time, but honestly, someone has to put you in your place, and I know that if I want something done right, I have to do it myself. So prepare yourself to be humbled in my presence. That's all. If you have anything to say, don't say it; I really don't have time to listen. And even if I did have time to spare—which I might, don't doubt that I wouldn't think twice about lying to you—I wouldn't waste it in your company. I'm leaving."

This is exactly why I said I didn't want to think about his motivations. Because even if I'm going out on a limb and exaggerating quite a bit, the alternative isn't much better. Like I said, the best I can expect is more pity. Doesn't that still mean that he thinks he's above me?

I don't want to see Atobe ever again. Maybe it's not his fault, but now I'm always going to connect seeing him to everything that went wrong with Yukimura. I've said before that it seems like his reappearance in my life coincided with my relationship breaking apart…

Still, somehow, when he asked to see me, I wasn't able to argue with him. I guess I just wasn't in the mood.

I don't really care anymore. Whatever happens, things can't get much worse for me right now. Maybe I'll just let him give his little speech about his "generosity," say nothing, and then turn around and leave. It takes two to argue, after all.

I'm going to bed.

真田弦一郎

Sanada Genichiroh

…

２月８日木曜日

Thursday, February 8th

I have a terrible feeling that I have just done something that I am going to regret for the rest of my life.

I just finished talking to Sanada on the phone.

I'll try to start from the beginning, like I always do, but I almost feel as though I don't have the energy… It was a long day, but there was hardly anything in it worth talking about, except for that single phone call. Still, I will try to work through it just like I would with any other entry, even though I'm very tempted to skip ahead to the only part that matters.

I had a horrible time trying to get to sleep last night. Every single time that I was just about to drift off to sleep, I would remember that I had promised to tell Sanada how I felt, and then my thoughts would start racing so quickly that I would be wide awake again. I would start wondering what I was going to say when I finally worked up the courage to tell him, and what he was going to say in response, and what would happen after that… And then I would tell myself that I was acting like an idiot, and I would bury my face in my pillows and try to go to sleep. But inevitably, every time that I had finally gotten myself to relax again, the thought would come right back into my head and keep me awake for another hour.

Well, in the end, I don't think that I got more than three hours of sleep last night, and it showed by the time that I looked into my bathroom mirror during my morning routine. And so I sighed and resigned myself to an extra ten minutes of trying to cover up those ugly dark circles under my eyes… By that point, I hardly even cared enough to go through the trouble of keeping up appearances, but I was too tired to endure a barrage of questions from every single person in the universe, asking why in the world Atobe Keigo looked like a train wreck today.

Sometimes I really do wish that I was the sort of person that nobody ever notices.

When that was finished, I dragged myself off to school and proceeded to try to keep my eyes open during all my classes. I was actually fairly successful as far as that went, and by the time lunch came around, I was feeling much more alert.

But then the strangest thing happened… Nearly all of my former teammates started asking if there was something that was bothering me. Of course, I said no, but then Jiroh started asking me if I wanted anything out of his lunch, and Kabaji handed me my napkin before I even needed it, and Oshitari changed the subject by launching into one of his sardonic speeches about "the incredibly stupid thing that Gakuto did today," which is always calculated to make everyone in the room laugh (except of course for Gakuto, who usually responds by punching him in the arm and making us laugh all over again). And the anecdote was even more amusing than usual, because they had both caught Shishido and Ootori's cold and were talking in the most comically nasal voices.

And I suppose that perhaps I was just imagining it, but there was a part of me that felt almost embarrassed about the whole situation…

I hope that I didn't look like such a mess that they had actually started to pity me.

In any case, I survived the rest of the day at school without any other incidents worth mentioning, and then I trudged back home again. From the very moment that I walked into my house, I could feel a horrible knot forming in my stomach…

I had promised Tezuka that I would tell Sanada how I felt.

How was I going to do that, anyway? I couldn't just call him up and tell him how I felt… Could I? It seemed like a phone call would feel almost surreal, like I would always wonder if I ever really told him. And I couldn't write a letter, either… As much as I liked the idea of avoiding the humiliation of telling him to his face, that was an even more impersonal method than the phone call. He would probably just think that it was some kind of joke.

He's probably still going to think that it's some kind of joke, by the time that I actually manage to get the words out.

Anyway, I finally decided that I was going to have to see him face to face, if I was really going to work up the courage tell him. And the only way that I could do that was by calling him to set up a time and place. So I decided that I was going to call him right after dinner… But then I ended up feeling too nervous to eat, so I went back up to my room and waited until I thought that his family must have been finished with their meal. And then I picked up my cell phone and found his home number… I must have tried to press the call button five times before I finally forced my thumb down, and then I took a deep breath and put the receiver to my ear.

There was no way that I could get out of it now.

The instant that I heard his voice on the other line, my heart started pounding, but I forced my voice to sound as calm as possible when I told him who was calling. It wasn't long before he was demanding to know what I wanted… He sounded rather irritable, which wasn't exactly a good sign, but I knew that I couldn't just hang up on him at this point…

So I told him that there was something that I wanted to tell him, and then I asked him rather awkwardly if I could see him tomorrow. He let out this kind of frustrated sigh and asked where I wanted to meet him, so I suggested the fountain in that downtown park. (It seemed appropriate, since we had met there so often over the past month.) He agreed to meet me there right after school, and then we both hung up… I wanted to ask him why he sounded so irritable, but it seemed like he was more than ready to stop talking, so I didn't press the issue. Besides, it wasn't very hard to guess what could have been bothering him… He just broke up with his boyfriend two days ago, after all. So I flipped my cell phone shut, put it back inside my school bag, and decided that I would start writing my journal entry for the day.

And now I'm sitting here at my desk, thinking about the fact that I've just arranged a meeting with someone in order to confess my deepest feelings to him, but this someone has probably spent the day pining away over the one person that he truly loves, which isn't me, and the only thing that I will ever really be to him is his most hated enemy…

I feel rather sick.

Well, it's too late for me to take it back… If nothing else, I'll just have to show up at the fountain tomorrow and make up some ridiculous story about why I wanted to see him. At least that way I'll be able to keep my dignity, and I won't have to endure the pain of yet another rejection, and Sanada won't even know the difference, as long as I don't give him the chance to find out…

But I promised that I would tell him.

Oh, god… I really do have to tell him.

I have a feeling that I'm not going to be able to get much sleep tonight either.

Sincerely,

Atobe Keigo

跡部景吾

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Up next! Atobe keeps his promise, but it doesn't turn out the way anyone expected...