Disclaimer: Konomi owns all, including our souls. We own nothing.
Authors' Notes: We tried not to keep you guys waiting too long! Here's the next (very dramatic) chapter. Hope you like it! We shower our reviewers with much love and cherry blossom petals.
２月９日金曜日
Friday, February 9th
I have no clue what to think anymore.
Atobe Keigo just told me he loves me.
As I write this, I still can't believe it. I must be going crazy. It couldn't have actually happened, right?
What a day it's been. I've felt so many different things in the past twenty hours that I don't even know how to feel now…
I woke up this morning still feeling depressed. I didn't even want to get out of bed; I think I pressed my snooze alarm twice, which is incredibly rare for me. But once I got to school, I started feeling a little better. I found out that I actually did pretty well on that stupid pop quiz yesterday, and everything else was normal and pleasant and I'd almost completely forgotten about Atobe. Even when it got towards the end of the day and I had to start thinking about our meeting this evening, I was in such a good mood by that point that I felt ready to face him.
That quickly ended, though.
I had to go turn something in at the front office after school, so I did, but left my things in the classroom. When I went back to get them, I heard Yukimura talking to someone on his cell phone. I don't know why, but suddenly I felt a kind of hesitant about going inside the classroom right away, so I stayed outside the door for a minute and listened.
Sure enough, I heard him say Tezuka's name.
He sounded sickeningly happy, too. He was saying something about…
Oh, god.
They were talking about Atobe.
I heard Yukimura say something like, "Tonight? Really?... He's really going to tell him?... That's wonderful. Thank you, Tezuka, so much…" I didn't understand it at the time, and I didn't really think about it much. I don't completely get it now, either… Why did Tezuka know what Atobe was going to tell me? And why did he want to tell Yukimura about it?
It makes sense, though, that Yukimura sounded so happy. I'm sure he's still convinced that I'm going to fall in love with someone else. Does he think I'm just going to go out with the first person who tells me they have a crush on me?
Well, Yukimura, it didn't work out that way.
But I'm getting ahead of myself. I didn't go into the classroom until after Yukimura hung up, and I resisted the temptation to shoot him a meaningful glance. I was so angry. The thought that Yukimura had already moved on and was talking so happily with Tezuka made me absolutely sick. (I'm still not positive that I had no reason to be angry. How do I know that Atobe was all they talked about?) I grabbed my stuff and left the classroom as quickly as possible, without saying a word to Yukimura.
Then when I got to the train station, I realized I didn't have my cell phone. I had been planning on calling my mother to remind her that I was going downtown, but obviously that didn't happen. I left it on my desk after I talked to Atobe last night. (So, really, it's partly his fault for calling me… Why do I still feel like such an idiot?) It was extremely frustrating for some reason; I really wanted to hit something.
Then, of course, I realized that it wasn't such a big deal; my mother already knew where I was going. I knew I was just angry about Yukimura, and getting nervous about having to talk to Atobe, and it just seemed like forgetting my phone on top of all that wasn't fair. So as I boarded the train and sat down, my frustration cooled into something more like depression. All I could think about was the fact that Yukimura had sounded so happy, talking to Tezuka… For all I knew, they were going on a date tonight…
It just didn't seem fair. And then, feeling like that, I was going to have to face Atobe.
It would have been enough if my troubles had ended there. But they didn't. About twenty minutes later, the train suddenly lurched to stop.
The damn thing was delayed.
Why? Well, I can't say the reason was something I hadn't heard before. It's something we all just kind of live with, something that anyone who frequently rides the trains has learned to accept or ignore. Of course, it wasn't announced over the speaker, but the whispers worked their way towards the back of the train in very little time.
Someone had jumped in front of one of the trains and committed suicide.
It must have been really bad. We were sitting there for more than an hour. And I couldn't help thinking about it… It's one of those things that, every once in a while, will hit you really hard, and it forces you to stop and ponder it for a minute. It was sad. And I found it incredibly annoying that some businessman standing near me kept looking at his watch and making impatient grunting noises. Then when he called his collegues to let them know he'd be late for their all-important dinner meeting, he said something like, "Oh, you know, the usual. Someone jumped in front of the trains again. I don't know why it's taking so long…"
That seems like an awful thing to say when someone's being scraped off the tracks.
That man did remind me, though, that it really would be a good idea to call Atobe to let him know I was delayed. But, again, I didn't have my cell phone… I would have asked to borrow someone else's, but I don't actually know Atobe's number; I just have it stored in my address book. So I started kicking myself even more.
And so I was sitting there for an hour, feeling like an idiot for forgetting my phone, not looking forward to seeing Atobe, angry at Yukimura and Tezuka, lonely, unable to get the suicide out of my head…
Somehow, it crossed my mind that the person who'd jumped might have had the right idea.
I don't think that I seriously considered the possibility… but I couldn't seem to get it off my mind. Everything suddenly seemed so petty, in that moment. I'd been dragging myself to school for the past few days, doing my homework, going through my usual routine… for what? What was the point of it all? After everything that's been going on lately, the day-to-day stuff seems so much more worthless. Wouldn't it be nice if I didn't have to do it anymore, if it was just over?
It also scared me how easy it would have been. I'm only fifteen; death is one of those things that doesn't even feel like a possibility. But now that I thought about it, it really wouldn't be so hard to walk onto one of those bridges above the tracks—the same kind I've walked on thousands of times—go to the side, lift one leg over the railing, then two, and then just let myself fall…
I literally shuddered at the thought. I couldn't believe what ideas were going through my head. And I told myself, "Never," but I remembered that I still had to face Atobe, that he'd probably belittle me and insult me because I was late, and make me feel even more worthless than I already felt, and slowly "Never" started to become something more like, "Well, we'll see…"
I told myself to snap out of it. This wasn't like me at all. I would never do something so melodramatic; it's ridiculous. My life isn't over, no matter how attached I was to Yukimura. Ten years from now, I'll be over it. It may still ache a little to think about it, but at that point, I'll at least have moved on. That's hardly consolation right at this moment, but this depression, which will pass, even if it takes a while, is no good excuse to want to die. I still know plenty of people who really care about me, and would be devastated if I did something stupid. I knew I should throw the idea out of my head, if only for the sake of those people.
But the thought still lingered there, in the back of my mind.
The train lurched back into motion, and thirty minutes later, I was at my stop. I made my way to the park as fast as I could without running (I was feeling really tired, for some reason). It was completely dark, though, by the time I got there.
I was almost surprised to see him there, actually. I sort of expected to discover that he hadn't bothered waiting for me, and had gone home with the intent to call me later and lecture me, then reschedule. But he was there, and sure enough, he was angry. I've never seen him so furious. Usually he keeps his composure somewhat, but he started yelling at me right away for being late.
My plan was to not argue with him, in an effort to keep from fanning the flames any further. So I tried to calmly explain that the train was delayed, and immediately (still yelling), he asked why I didn't call, and why I didn't answer when he tried to reach me. It was more difficult to hide my agitation when I told him that I'd forgotten my cell phone. I was still shocked, though, that he was so livid. Then he said, "Of course you forgot. Could you be any more careless?"
I snapped. I wasn't going to take this from him.
So I yelled right back, asking him what in the hell his problem was. He started to try to answer, but… he couldn't.
He started crying.
I was shocked. He was still stuttering, trying to come up with an answer to my question, and I just stood there for a moment, utterly unable to speak. Atobe Keigo was crying. When I finally was able to ask him why he was doing that, my voice sounded so quiet that I wasn't sure he heard me. He turned away slightly, his head bowed in an effort to hide his face. He then insisted that he wasn't crying. What was I, stupid? Anyone could see that he was.
And it was scaring me.
Why was he crying? I still don't understand it… I mean, it must take a lot to make someone like Atobe cry. I guess I didn't have much time to think about it then, and I didn't even quite realize how surreal it was. At the time, I'm not even sure I knew it was actually happening…
I insisted again that he was crying, and he repeated that he wasn't. I wasn't about to let him get away with that, so, on an impulse, I stepped closer and reached out to touch his face. Sure enough, a tear slipped right onto my finger. I was going to pull back then to show him, to prove that I was right so I could ask him why again…
He took my hand and held it against his cheek.
I could have pulled away if I'd really tried, but I felt like I was paralyzed. I didn't understand what he was doing. My heart started beating really fast; I'm still not sure why… I felt a few more drops of water touch my fingers, but they stopped before he spoke again. He was looking down—I couldn't see his eyes—and his voice was so soft that I could hardly hear it.
He said, "Haven't you noticed?"
I was confused. My natural response was, "Noticed what?" There was a small pause then, and it felt somehow like the night air itself was holding its breath.
And then he said it.
"That I'm falling for you," were his exact words.
I still can't believe he actually said that.
Where the hell did that come from? Since when has he felt anything for me besides distaste? How long has he been "falling for me"? And was he just waiting for Yukimura to dump me, so he could tell me?
I didn't know what to do. My mind was reeling, my heart was still pounding… The ground seemed like it had tilted a bit and started to spin. I felt like I could hardly stand.
I couldn't deal with it. I just couldn't.
I never wanted this to happen.
I jerked my hand away, suddenly frightened. I think I sputtered out that I was sorry, and then I basically turned and ran.
God, I'm such an idiot. But I really didn't know what else to do.
On the way home, I tried to calm down and sort everything out. At first I'd convinced myself that it was impossible, that I was either dreaming, going crazy, or just hadn't heard correctly. But of course none of that really made any sense. So I had to assume that he'd actually said it, and then I started wondering if, in fact, I had noticed him falling for me…
And… I guess I had.
I mean, he's been acting kind of strange for a while… Like the way he sounded over the phone, just yesterday, kind of quiet and serious… And how nice he was to me this weekend. The way he looked up into my eyes when I tackled him into the snow. The way he was acting when he came to my house for dinner. Even the strange flash of something in his eyes when I complimented him on his hair, and he asked me, "How do you do that?"… That feels like such a long time ago…
Suddenly, I could hardly believe I hadn't realized it before. It all seemed so painfully obvious, so much so that I actually started to feel a sort of constricting ache in my chest. Because it was true after all, and I still had no clue what do about it. I still don't.
I don't love him.
But this whole thing did make me realize…
I was completely wrong about him.
Well, maybe not completely. Atobe Keigo is a fake. He wears a flawless mask; he hides his true self after all.
But what's underneath that mask isn't what I thought it would be.
He's not a horrible person. He's not evil or even all that arrogant. The way he used to insult me all the time… That was his defense, just another part of his mask. The real Atobe Keigo is the one who bought me a really nice pen when I needed something to cheer me up, the one who said my name so softly when I brushed the snowflakes out of his hair, the one who admitted, with a slightly ironic smile, that he couldn't even make his own toast.
But how was I supposed to know that?
How was I supposed to expect any of this? And why did he have to tell me now? For heaven's sake, I just broke up with my boyfriend; I'm not ready for another relationship. I'm not ready to even think about anything having to do with boyfriends or dating or love… And I don't love him. What was I supposed to do? I'm so confused. I don't even know what the hell is going on anymore.
And I still can't figure out the answer to the most important question…
Why did he fall for me?
I mean, honestly, what the hell? What happened? I thought it was just mutually understood that we hated each other. Maybe we don't always act like we do, but since when did we agree to stop fighting? And why would someone like him fall for someone like me, anyway? What about all that stuff he was always telling me? Like that I was boring and dull and unintelligent and had no personality and was a waste of time to talk to…
Am I missing something here?
I don't know what to do. I've thought about calling him, but I really wouldn't know what to say. All I could come up with is, "I'm sorry," and I already said that… What more can I really say? I don't love him. What am I supposed to do?
I hope he's alright.
Maybe I'll call him some other time, when I'm thinking more clearly. But right now, I'd probably make things worse somehow, knowing me… I'd probably panic again…
I should just go to bed. I wonder if I'll even be able to sleep tonight.
真田弦一郎
Sanada Genichiroh
…
２月９日金曜日
Friday, February 9th
What part of a human being is it, that tiny piece inside all of us that always wants to hope for the impossible, even in the face of the most adverse circumstances?
I just wish that I knew… So that I could kill it once and for all.
And it's just so cold here…
No, I need to start over. I'm getting ahead of myself.
Well, it's late, and the word "exhausted" doesn't even seem sufficient to describe my drained state of being, and what's worse, the words on this page won't stop blurring together, no matter how hard I try to keep my eyes open. But I have the strangest feeling that if I don't write this journal entry tonight, I won't get the opportunity to write it tomorrow. And I am too tired at this point to do anything except submit to my most nonsensical impulses.
Alright… To start at the beginning, then…
I was right; I got hardly any sleep last night. In fact, I believe that I even failed to match the scant three hours of rest that I was able to get on Wednesday night. I spent most of the evening pacing around my room, trying to convince myself that everything was going to be fine, as well as trying to decide how I was supposed to do something as crazy as confess my deepest feelings to someone like Sanada Genichiroh. Needless to say, I never was able to settle such a question to my satisfaction, and I woke up looking like a mess and proceeded to stumble through the day with all the lively zest of an undead zombie.
I called Tezuka at some point during the morning, and informed him that I was planning on telling Sanada how I felt this afternoon. He seemed rather surprised that I had arranged a meeting as quickly as I did, and he even asked if I was comfortable with the idea of confessing so soon. But I just muttered something about how I would rather get it over with, since part of me was convinced that if I cancelled now, I would never work up the courage to arrange a second meeting with him.
That was probably true, too; I barely survived the tumult of emotions I experienced for the rest of that day without dialing Sanada's number to cancel on him. The exchange with Tezuka did encourage some of my worst fears, though, when it came to worrying that I was about to do the stupidest thing that I have ever done in my entire life. And so I went through the rest of the day feeling even more anxious than I had during the previous evening.
Still, I survived through the day one way or another, and the next thing that I knew, I was directing my limousine driver to head for the downtown park where Sanada had promised to meet me after school. During the whole drive there, I couldn't stop thinking about the fact that I had promised to confess to him, and I found myself getting more and more nervous with each passing moment… What was I going to say to him? I still had no idea how to phrase my confession, and given my usual talent for expressing myself, that feeling of not knowing what to say was terrifying. And that wasn't even counting the fact that I was afraid in the first place… Yes, Atobe Keigo was afraid of something.
Where was my indestructible self-confidence? Where was that arrogant narcissism that would stop at nothing to get what it wanted (and thought that it deserved)? Where was that haughty optimism that would have simply assumed that Sanada Genichiroh would be honored to receive my affections?
Well, wherever all of that was, it wasn't inside of me during that car ride. I was absolutely certain the entire time that Sanada was going to laugh in my face.
I have to admit, however, that I could still feel some of my usual pride tugging at my heart… But instead of urging me to confess to Sanada, this pride was telling me over and over again to keep my mouth shut, to at least maintain some remnant of my dignity, to quit while I was still ahead. It was this pride that fought so hard against the idea of humbling myself enough to tell Sanada that I loved him. It was this pride that cringed at the idea of submitting myself to the possibility of another rejection.
It was this pride that hated the fact that I had dared to fall in love in the first place.
And who could blame it? After all, my pride was the one thing that I had been careful to protect, through all of these years of keeping people at a distance and acting as though nothing in the whole world could hurt me. My pride was the one thing that I clung to, when everyone else would whisper behind my back about what a "horrible person" I was and deliberately misinterpret every good deed that I tried to accomplish. My pride was my safeguard, my comfort…
No, my pride was my idol, and it was finally in danger of being smashed to pieces.
Needless to say, by the time that the drive was over, I was finding it quite difficult to persuade myself to get out of my limousine. All the promises and possibilities aside, I was still convinced that it was a completely moronic idea and I was doomed to fail. But then I glanced through the window and caught a glimpse of that fountain, where I was supposed to be meeting Sanada… He wasn't there yet, of course, but there was something about that familiar setting that made me remember the last time that we had been there together, when he had started that ridiculous snowball fight and tackled me to the ground. And I could feel that fluttering in my chest again, that strange sensation that had filled my whole body when his face had been so close to mine…
And suddenly, I was throwing caution to the wind and hurrying up to that fountain as fast as my legs could carry me.
The first fifteen minutes were almost exciting, as I paced around the fountain and kept looking in every possible direction, trying to see if he was coming. It was freezing cold outside, but I was moving around so much that I hardly even thought about it. During those moments, I was somehow convinced that I could look Sanada in the face and confidently tell him that I loved him, regardless of the consequences. After all, I was used to taking risks, wasn't I? The only thing shameful in terms of taking a risk is being too afraid to ever take one.
Besides, the thought of that snowball fight had suddenly caused me to think of all the pleasant moments that Sanada and I had shared over the past month… The way we met again at the concert, the stray compliment that he had given me about my hair in the most unexpected moment, the friendly conversation we had during dinner at his house, the shopping trip over the weekend when I bought him that pen… Granted, there had been some pretty awful times in the past month as well, but those good moments made me want to believe that Sanada couldn't really see me as nothing more than an enemy.
For a brief moment, as I thought of that beautiful smile of his, I even imagined that he might smile at me like that when I told him how I felt.
But as the fifteen minutes wore on into a half hour, I started to get nervous again… It's not as though Sanada was exactly late at that point, since he had farther to travel than I did, but it was getting closer to the time when he could have been walking to the park from the train station. And at the thought that he really was going to be there, in only a matter of minutes, made me so nervous that I forgot to focus on pleasant memories. Instead, I couldn't stop remembering all the times that we had fought… Every single little thing that he had said to me echoed in my mind, and I started to wonder when I had started paying so much attention to what Sanada Genichiroh thought of me…
Suddenly, I discovered to my shock that I could still remember the first thing that I ever heard him say about me, nearly three years ago at a junior invitational tournament for first-year players. It was one of my most uncomfortable memories from all of junior high school, in fact.
Yukimura, whom I had already met before, had been walking next to Sanada on their way to the courts, when Sanada apparently glanced at me and asked, rather too loudly, "Who is that?" I could hear the whole exchange between them, even though I was several feet away and in the middle of retrieving my water bottle from my tennis bag. Yukimura replied in that calm way of his, "That's Atobe Keigo. He's the player from Hyotei Gakuen that I told you about."
And then Sanada's scoffing reply met my ears: "He doesn't look like much of a threat."
I couldn't even hear Yukimura's response; they were already too far away by that point. But I remember the way that my face burned with shame at such a trivialization of my abilities, when Sanada hadn't even seen me play yet. Of course, I already knew who Sanada was; everyone at that tournament knew who Sanada was. He was the powerhouse player that all the tennis magazines were raving about, the skillful freshman whose movements were said to be evocative of ancient Japanese warriors. He was the one that the newspaper had already predicted would win the invitational tournament.
The newspapers weren't right, of course. His classmate Yukimura Seiichi won that tournament, in a final match against Tezuka Kunimitsu, who came away with second place that day. Sanada Genichiroh ranked in at third.
As for me, I didn't even make the pedestal.
In fact, that was the day that I swore that I wouldn't just become the captain of Hyotei's two-hundred-member tennis club. No, I was going to become the top player in all of Japan. I was going to surpass those three people on that pedestal, and I was never going to suffer my talents to go unrecognized again. I suppose that part of the reason that I made that vow was because of Sanada's dismissive comment that day.
When I suddenly remembered all of this, I realized that I had always paid attention to what Sanada Genichiroh thought of me.
Needless to say, the memory wasn't exactly comforting, especially given my present situation… In fact, it was downright depressing, since I already knew that I had failed to keep my vow to myself in the following years. It just forced me to realize how little things had really changed since then; after all, here I was, still chasing after the unreachable and wishing for the stars and hoping that someone like Sanada Genichiroh would approve of me, when he never had, not once in the past three years.
What was I doing there, anyway? Was I really going to confess my love to someone who had always thought so little of me?
Why was I setting myself up for the worst disappointment in my entire life?
It was then that I noticed that thirty minutes had worn on into a whole hour, and there was still no sign of Sanada. At first, I wasn't particularly worried; it wasn't so hard to believe that he had missed the first train to Tokyo, which could have meant a delay of as much as fifteen or twenty minutes. But that meant that he really would be there at any moment, so I had to pull myself together if I was going to tell him the truth. I had to get all of those negative comments out of my mind and try to focus on the good memories…
"Meeting you was an unfortunate coincidence."
"At least I have a boyfriend."
"You're all talk, Atobe Keigo."
"Your only goal seems to be making people into enemies."
"You're so full of it. Just leave me alone."
"You'd just laugh at my pain."
… But I just couldn't seem to get all of those bitter words out of my head.
Oh, god. What was I doing? This was the kind of thing that Sanada Genichiroh really thought of me. He didn't think that I was his friend… He thought I was a fraud and a sadist and a first-rate nuisance.
And I was about to tell him that I loved him.
I would be lucky if the only thing that he did was laugh in my face.
Of course, as the minutes ticked on and the sun started to set, I kept thinking about this, and the more I did, the more I realized it was my own fault that Sanada thought so little of me. After all, for every insult he had given me, my pride had always insisted that I pay him back double for it. Every single time we met, we were always going at each other's throats, and I was usually the more aggressive one when it came to verbal abuse. Who was the one who was talking over seventy-five percent of the time? Of course, that was me, and I was even quicker to dish out insults than he was. I can't even remember all of the times that I've told him that he was "cold" and "unintelligent" and "antisocial" and "inarticulate" and "boring"…
Why would he believe me, even if I did go so far as to admit that the only reason that I was always repeating those ungenerous words was to convince myself that he wasn't worth my time?
And he certainly wouldn't care about the fact that I never was able to convince myself of that lie.
The truth, of course, is that he is more than worth anyone's time… He is a remarkable person, and a handsome man, and a talented athlete. Even in a school with so many outstanding tennis players, he is Rikkai's pride and glory, second only perhaps to Yukimura himself. He was ranked first in the entire nation in the junior tennis circuit over this past year, a place of honor that I could never seriously hope to reach, no matter how high my hopes and ambitions may soar. He is an incredibly strong individual, in both mind and body, and he has a level of self-discipline that is so great that I have yet to see its equal.
What's more, he has a passionate spirit and a heart that is capable of the most tender affection. I have seen it myself, when I realized that his weakness was his love for Yukimura. And when the only thing that I had been able to devise as a legitimate complaint against him was that he seemed "heartless," this reality left me with only one possible conclusion…
Sanada Genichiroh really is perfect.
Even his weakness is perfect. His weakness is that he loved someone too deeply.
It's not hard to see why I fell for him.
And yet as I continued to pace around the fountain, this truth only convinced me that I was in for an incredibly terrible disappointment. After all, I had never done anything to earn that kind of love… Some stupid, clumsy little gesture like buying him a pen didn't even make up for the insults that I had heaped on him constantly for the past three years. If I truly was about to be rejected, then it was nothing more than what I deserved for the way I had always treated him.
Damn that foolish pride of mine. It deserved to be smashed to dust in front of me… And that was probably what was going to happen, in only a matter of minutes.
I couldn't quite tell if I felt terrified or ashamed.
I'm not sure exactly when it happened, but sometime during this train of thought, I sank down and sat on the side of the fountain for a little while. I was exhausted, and it was so cold that I was shivering, and suddenly I realized that it was completely dark outside.
I had been waiting there by that fountain for nearly two hours.
After I had glanced at my watch and discovered this for myself, I actually started to panic a little. Where was he? He definitely should have been there by now. Had something happened to him? Maybe there had been an accident with the trains… Or he might even have gotten lost, even though that didn't make much sense at all, given the fact that we had met there at least twice before… Then I realized that I didn't need to panic; the answer was so simple. Honestly, I could have hit myself for being so brainless.
All I had to do was check my cell phone.
If there had been some kind of emergency, he would have called to let me know. Or maybe something had come up, and he had cancelled on me. Maybe I had been waiting there for two hours for absolutely nothing… He might have even called me during class to tell me that he was too busy to see me this afternoon, and I definitely wouldn't have heard it ring then because I always have it on silent mode while I'm in school.
I instantly felt much better and started fishing around in my coat pocket for my cell phone… But the reassurance vanished when I flipped it open and found absolutely no messages or missed calls. There wasn't a single sign that Sanada had tried to contact me at all.
Well, that didn't matter, I decided. Something had probably come up, and he had just forgotten to cancel our meeting. So I would just have to call him and ask him if he was on his way or not.
It didn't take me very long to find his cell number in my call list, so I held up the phone to my ear and waited. It felt uncomfortably cold against my ear as I waited for him to pick up… It ringed four times and then went to his voice mail. I felt my heart sink a little, but I just pressed the redial button and waited to hear his voice on the other line…
I called him five times in a row. He didn't answer, not once. I was too upset to leave a message.
Now I knew what was happening.
I was being stood up.
It was so simple, really… Sanada hated me, after all. Why would he even respect me enough to show up in the first place? No, it made much more sense to think that he had intentionally decided to accept my offer and then leave me hanging without ever bothering to cancel it… It would be the perfect way to get back at me for all the times that I had belittled him… It would be his chance to prove once and for all that he was above me, and there was nothing that I could do to force him to pay the slightest attention to my existence.
No, that couldn't be really true, I told myself. I was being ridiculous. Why did I always have to get so overly dramatic about everything and act like the sky was falling? It wasn't all about me, after all… Something terrible could have happened to him, and here I was thinking that he was just being pointlessly cruel so that he could "have his revenge" on me. Honestly, I was such a self-absorbed idiot. Sanada wasn't like that at all… No, he would have called me if he wasn't coming, so I would just have to wait for him.
But as I continued to wait out there in the cold for another fifteen minutes, I really started to notice the way that my teeth were chattering, and then I started to wonder if I should just give up and go home. That would have made sense, after all… I had waited for him for hours, and he hadn't shown up or even bothered to call… Any self-respecting person would probably leave after only an hour had gone by, and yet here I was, over two hours later in the dark in the middle of February, waiting for him. Somehow, though, I just couldn't shake the feeling that he might come at any minute… But I really was freezing, and I couldn't help thinking that it would be nice to wait inside somewhere. There was a coffee shop just a little over a block away, and a hot drink sounded like a terribly nice idea, especially given the fact that my head was uncovered and my feet were shuffling through piles of ice and snow.
I would have even settled for waiting inside my limo, without the hot drink… At least it was heated in there, and I could ask the driver to park right next to the curb so that I could see the fountain from where I was sitting. Then I would certainly be able to check if Sanada was there, if he still actually came after all this time.
Somehow, though, I kept trying to imagine what would happen if he really did show up… He probably wouldn't even walk up to the fountain at this point. He was so late that he would probably just walk in the general direction of the park and then check at a distance to see if I was still there… And if I wasn't, he was just going to turn right around and go back home again. And I would miss the chance to tell him what I had promised to tell him, and then I was just going to have to work up the courage all over again to reschedule our meeting, only to be forced to endure all these horrible fears and insecurities for at least another twenty-four hours straight…
In the end, I just stood there out in the snow, like the hopeless fool that I am.
It was about two hours and thirty minutes from the moment when I first walked up to the fountain when I started to feel my toes going numb. I absolutely hate that feeling, especially when it starts to tingle and even hurt, when you start trying to keep the blood flowing by moving them around… It always reminds me of all those obnoxious "survival stories" in English literature, where the protagonist finds himself in Alaska or some other remote place where he is in danger of losing all his limbs to frostbite or even possibly freezing to death. Of course, it wasn't that cold in the park, but I really do hate that feeling, and I finally started stamping my feet out of sheer frustration, and they stung with the force of each and every impact against the pavement.
It was about that time that I started to get truly angry.
Who did that jerk think he was, anyway? I don't care if I was the most horrible person on earth… The least that he could have done was call to tell me that he didn't respect me enough to show up. He could have even waited for two whole hours and then showed up to laugh in my face and push me into the snow, for all I cared, but three hours was just excessive, no matter what kind of ugly little game he was trying to play with me. And why didn't he at least have the courtesy to answer his damn cell phone when I called him? I had already tried to call him at least four more times, but on the tenth try I just slammed my phone shut and shoved it into my pocket.
He wasn't going to answer it.
No, he was doing this on purpose.
I was being stood up. This was all some sick, twisted sort of revenge for the time that I had talked to him in front of that very same fountain and asked him if Yukimura had stood him up. I had been trying to tell him that Yukimura was a terrible cheat and was plotting against the both of us; but no, he had been a complete moron and didn't get the hint, and then he took it the wrong way and even felt the need to tell me that "at least I have a boyfriend."
Even now, he probably already knew what I was going to tell him. He must have guessed that I had fallen for him. He probably found it terribly amusing, too, and had already told all his friends about it and even had some kind of bet going, to see how long Atobe Keigo was going to wait out in the snow, so that he could try to confess his love to someone who absolutely despised him. Sanada was probably laughing with that awful Yukimura at that very instant, about how much of a fool I had been, and it wouldn't be long before they called Tezuka and told him that they had finally put me in my place and I was out of their way for good, because I wouldn't dare show my face in front of them after this kind of humiliation, and I was never going to be self-assured enough to think that I could surpass them again…
That was what Sanada said, wasn't it?
"He doesn't look like much of a threat."
Well, he was right. I wasn't a threat at all.
I had never even so much as scratched his heart, and here he was, putting a bullet hole right through mine.
And now everyone was going to know that Atobe Keigo was a self-defeating fool who had waited like a lovesick dog for three hours in the cold, for someone who had simply stayed inside his nice, warm house surrounded by all of his loyal friends and laughed at that fool's pain.
It had been two hours and forty minutes, and I was so furious that I didn't even know what to do. I wanted to kick something, but I knew that if I did, I was probably going to cry out in pain. I wanted to hit something, but I was shivering so much that my arms felt weak, and I didn't even feel like exerting the effort. I would have even settled for throwing something, even something really expensive like my cell phone, but my fingers were so cold that there probably wasn't enough strength in them to hurl an object any more than five feet, and that wouldn't have been satisfying at all. So I just stood there, clenching my jaw and trying to decide if I should go home, just so I could break something priceless into a million tiny pieces and laugh like a maniac while I crushed the shards beneath my feet.
It was then that I saw him.
Yes, it was Sanada. After two hours and forty minutes, I could see Sanada hurrying up the walk to where I was standing. I have to admit, when I caught that very first glimpse of him, I felt a rush of relief in seeing that he was alright, and I almost ran up to him to ask what had happened. But then those words "two hours and forty minutes" flashed through my mind, and just like that, all of my rage became focused on that lone figure in the cap who was walking toward me.
I could have hit him right across the face. But I forced myself to control my anger. After all, maybe there was an explanation… Maybe there had been an emergency… Maybe there was… Maybe…
But god, two hours and forty minutes!
By the time that he walked up to me, I didn't even give him a chance to say a single word. I immediately started yelling at him and told him that he was late (since he obviously had no conception of time), and I then demanded to know what had taken him so long, reminding him in the process that we had decided to meet right after school got out, in case he hadn't even bothered to remember the time that we had chosen. Of course, the first thing he said was that it "wasn't his fault," but then he said something about the train being delayed.
Well, at least there was something, and he wasn't laughing like a sadist and pushing me into the snow.
But I was still angry, so I asked him why he couldn't at least have called me to tell me about this, when I had called him ten times without so much as a "Hello?" for my efforts. But then he told me that he had forgotten his cell phone at his house today.
Of course he did.
God, Sanada, you're so damned incompetent sometimes. If I didn't already love you, I would absolutely hate you for it.
I said something to that effect, too… I think I sputtered out, "Of course you did" and "Could you be any more careless?" Even now, I can't say I feel much more charitable toward him about that particular issue… Honestly, it was just the worst coincidence in the world, and I'm sorry that it happened to us both, but I had a right to be angry with him.
Well, I did.
But that didn't stop him from yelling at me in response.
Yes, Sanada Genichiroh yelled at me, after I waited out in the snow for him for two hours and forty minutes. He demanded to know what my problem was, and he glared at me with the kind of look that could have melted stone, and I actually felt like I might crumble in response.
And then I remembered. I was supposed to tell this man how I felt.
I was supposed to tell Sanada Genichiroh that I loved him.
I don't know exactly what happened in that moment. Somehow, it felt like all the emotions that I had been enduring for the last twenty-four hours suddenly got compressed into some tiny, cramped little chamber inside my heart, into a space so tight that it was hurting me to hold them there, but if I didn't hold them they were just going to burst out of my chest… And all I could think about was every other time that it had been like this, every other time that we had yelled at each other, and I had insulted him and belittled him when what I should have been saying was that I respected him and wanted to be his friend…
No, I loved him, and I wanted to be his boyfriend.
And for a split second, I looked straight into those gorgeous brown eyes, and suddenly I heard what Tezuka had said to me, only two days ago…
"Do you really want to be alone for the rest of your life, Atobe? … You can't expect someone to love something that they can't see."
I felt something falling down my face.
Sanada was the first one to realize what it was… He asked me why I was crying.
I could have melted into the pavement.
I was crying in front of him.
I didn't know what to do… I was absolutely terrified of what was happening. I didn't even know why I was crying in the first place, except that I loved him and I wanted him and I didn't know what to say to him at all, because I already knew that he didn't love me…
So I turned away. I told him that I wasn't crying. I couldn't have been crying, after all, because I just didn't cry… I hadn't cried since I was ten years old and I certainly wasn't going to start crying now…
Of course, he insisted that I was crying, because the truth is that I was… I tried to tell him again that I wasn't, but he told me that I was, and the next thing that I could feel was his hand on my face, brushing a tear off my cheek, and it felt so warm and I was still crying and I loved him…
So I held his hand in place with both of my own, and I forgot about dignity and self-worth and masks and hints and games.
I asked him why he hadn't noticed…
I asked him why he hadn't noticed that I was falling for him.
Yes, I confessed my feelings to Sanada Genichiroh tonight. I told him that I was falling for him, and I could see in his eyes that he knew exactly what I meant. He didn't laugh in my face. He didn't even tell me out loud that he despised me.
He just told me that he was sorry, and then he ran away.
That was the best thing that could have possibly happened.
He didn't belittle me, or yell at me, or even correctly inform me that I was impossible to love. He actually expressed some kind of regret, before he disappeared out of my sight and left me there to think about what I had done. And the look in his eyes had been sincere; he was genuinely sorry for my foolish mistake, and I think he even pitied me for it.
But somehow, that only made the pain a little worse, when I felt my legs give out and I sat there kneeling in the snow so that I could watch my cursed pride melt into the ice.
And then I remembered those words that had come into my mind, when I was standing on Sanada's porch so many days ago, watching the snow fall…
"This is how it will always be. … You will never get warm again."
Somehow, as I sat there kneeling beside the fountain, I couldn't help thinking that this might have been fate's punishment for me.
I've had such a thought once before, and I suppose that it's a foolish notion, but it's hard not to blame myself for my own mistakes in all of this, when everything seems to go horribly wrong because of my own misguided actions… And that's why it suddenly occurred to me…
I said before that being forced to play a match against Echizen Ryoma had been my punishment for thinking I was invincible in tennis.
I think falling in love with Sanada Genichiroh was my punishment for always acting like I was superior to everyone else.
I reached out into the snow in front of me, and I don't even know what I was looking for, but I stayed there for a while and watched my fingers dig through the snow for something that didn't exist. I don't know why, but some strange part of me even started to think that I was becoming the snow, as though I was melting into that cold, white powder… And then I finally noticed that my fingers were so cold that they looked almost blue, there in the dark, since like the idiot that I am I completely forgot to put on my gloves this afternoon. And suddenly, my head felt very heavy, and I started to cough. I wondered why I felt so strange all of a sudden, but then I remembered…
There was a cold going around.
I laughed. I don't even know why… I sounded almost happy in my own ears, but I'm sure that I was just delirious and didn't know what I was doing. I felt myself scramble to my feet, and my head felt all clouded and I thought I was going to fall over, but then I saw my limousine in front of me, so I floated over to it and got inside. I don't even remember what I said to the driver, but we drove home, and it was so warm inside that my fingers were tingling and I could feel my toes stretching out inside my shoes…
I said something about how I was glad I didn't have frostbite, and I started laughing again. I don't remember what the driver said to me in response, but we were home much faster than I thought we should have been…
It didn't matter. I wasn't the snow after all.
Several of the servants were trying to fuss over me when I got home, saying I had been out very late and it was so cold outside, but I told them to stop acting ridiculous and finally had to command them to leave me alone so that I could write this entry. It was my only chance to write it, and anyway, they could make a person insane, hovering all over him with the face of the angel of death like that…
They're always telling me what to do anyhow, when it doesn't really matter, because at least I told him that I loved him.
Yes, I love him… Sanada, I mean… I wonder if he really understood what I meant?
But he did understand, and he ran away, and that's all there is to it. Fate isn't kind, after all.
… Oh, and I shall have a cold tomorrow!
That's right… But I already said that. Anyway, back to what I meant to say before…
So I am writing this entry right now, before I go to sleep, because I'll probably forget all of this when I go to sleep, even though I really do want to go to sleep because it's starting to feel like my head is floating up inside some cloud somewhere… I feel like I've said all of this before, but it's not really my fault if I did, it's just that I'm starting to slow down and stare at the page and try to remember what I already said when I started to write this so that I don't say it again but I can't quite remember it… The heat inside the house was helping me to think clearly at first but now I just feel so tired, of everything, really, and it's snowing outside again and that makes me want to laugh like I was laughing before, but I think now I'd just get confused and start to cry and melt all over the table, when that isn't what I meant to do at all…
But I really am so tired…
Sincerely
Sincerely yours
I do love you, Sanada, sincerely
Atobe
…
２月１０日土曜日
Saturday, February 10th
I had no idea that Yukimura was such a calculating, dishonest, over-controlling traitor.
Alright, so that's a little harsh. I don't care. Words can't express how angry I am at him right now. The truth finally came out today, and I found out that he was hiding even more things from me than I originally thought. And on top of it all, he was trying to get me to feel guilty today for nothing.
Well, I'm not going to feel that way. I didn't do anything wrong.
I can't believe Yukimura… He thinks he knows everything. But he doesn't. Apparently, he doesn't even know me.
I suppose I should explain what happened. I caught him on the phone with Tezuka again today after school. But unlike last time… he didn't sound happy.
He sounded very, very angry.
When Yukimura gets angry, his voice gets really low and his face loses most of its expression. His eyes sort of get cold, but almost like something is burning in them. That's how I knew something was wrong when I saw him talking on the phone. I heard him say, "So that's what happened… Yes, I'll tell him. Thank you, Tezuka." And then he hung up. I think I guessed what was coming.
It was about what happened with Atobe.
Come to think of it, Yukimura was probably waiting the whole day to hear what happened. I noticed that he stayed near me all day, but didn't say much, like he was waiting for me to bring something up. He probably hoped I would tell him about it.
Instead, he heard something from Tezuka.
I really didn't want to talk with him about it. But, either way, I figured that Yukimura was going to find out exactly what happened (if he hadn't already), and I thought I should at least take advantage of my chance to explain. I wasn't afraid to tell him why I'd run away from Atobe last night, but I will admit a part of me was dreading Yukimura's response.
Yukimura looked straight at me when he hung up, which served to confirm my assumption about what this was. So I asked him what that phone call was about. And his response was, "Maybe you can tell me. Perhaps you can explain why Atobe Keigo is at home in bed with a cold so bad he can't even come to the phone."
My initial anger cooled for a second. I couldn't believe I hadn't thought of that.
Atobe was sick.
I felt bad at first; horrible, in fact. I mean, it was kind of my fault that he was standing out in the cold for so long. But honestly, what an idiot! He could have just gone inside somewhere and watched for me. Who stands out in the cold for two or three hours like that? Of course he caught a cold.
At the time, though, I was too stunned to really answer Yukimura. He went on to ask if I had anything to say for myself, if I could explain why I left Atobe waiting for hours without calling him. I told him that the train was delayed and I'd forgotten my cell phone, and his response echoed the one Atobe gave me last night: "Sanada, you're so careless! What's wrong with you?"
I tried to explain that I'd forgotten because I'd taken it out of my backpack to answer Atobe's call the night before, and that it was a simple mistake, but Yukimura didn't seem especially interested. He demanded to know if I'd apologized to Atobe, but I told him I hadn't had time. I mean, as soon as I got there, Atobe was yelling at me at the top of his lungs! When was I supposed to apologize for being late? And I explained myself to him, at least…
Yukimura said I shouldn't blame Atobe for yelling at me (which I never said I did, by the way), and that Atobe was probably afraid that I'd "stood him up." (I thought that was an odd choice of words.) Then Yukimura said, "Let me guess: you started screaming right back." I explained that I'd tried to stay calm, but when he kept yelling like that I had to ask him what his problem was.
Needless to say, I didn't get much sympathy from my ex.
I tried to explain that I was under a lot of stress too, at the time. I wanted to tell him that it wasn't exactly a picnic sitting in that train for an hour, already feeling stupid for forgetting my cell phone, really hoping Atobe wouldn't be too mad at me when I got there, but Yukimura didn't even give me the chance. He demanded to know how Atobe responded to my question.
Instantly the image of Atobe crying popped back into my head. I paused for a moment. I felt a strange pang in my chest (maybe it was guilt), and I couldn't speak for a second. The thought of seeing Atobe cry…
It still scares me.
Yukimura could tell that something was wrong. He demanded again to know what happened. So I took a breath and told him, knowing there was no way to avoid it.
The next thing I knew, I was facing the other wall, and my cheek was stinging.
Yukimura hit me.
No pain I've ever experienced has hurt more than that. And I don't mean that he really hit me that hard. Because he didn't.
Breaking up with him didn't even hurt that much. At least then I could somewhat believe that he was partially doing it for my sake, and that it was a mutual decision as well. And we ended it like civil people, each trying to wish each other the best. And seeing him kiss Tezuka didn't hurt as much either, because that really had nothing to do with me.
But he hit me.
The only person I've ever loved physically hurt me. The hand that once I'd held so tightly and kissed so sweetly, the hand that stroked my cheek and my hair and ran its fingers lightly over my lips… That same hand had just become a weapon, used deliberately to cause me pain.
Why? Why did he do that?
I guess if I think about it a little more simply, I can come up with the answer to that…
Yukimura hit me because I made Atobe Keigo cry.
I suppose when I think of it that way, it feels a bit more justified…
No. I'm not going to feel guilty for this. I didn't do anything wrong. None of this was my fault.
Yukimura had no right to hit me.
When he did that, I was so shocked that I really didn't know what to say. I looked back into his eyes, and I could tell he wasn't sorry at all. He continued, "And what did you do when he told you he loved you? Did you make him cry again, Sanada?"
At the time, I was feeling so ashamed and hurt that I turned my eyes towards the floor and admitted that I hadn't known what to do. In an even more dangerous tone of voice, Yukimura demanded again to know what I did. I quietly told him that I'd run away.
I kind of thought he was going to hit me again. But he didn't.
He suddenly looked very sad.
And, very softly, he said, "Sanada, you're horrible."
"Horrible"? How am I horrible? What was I supposed to do in that situation? I was startled, I didn't know what to say, and… I just couldn't deal with it, not after everything that's happened… I had to get away from him. I probably should have explained all this to Yukimura, and tried to articulate exactly why I ran away, but I suddenly felt so angry that I didn't want to talk about it anymore. What right did Yukimura have to judge my actions? And what was he getting so emotional for? None of this had anything to do with him.
If he's going to walk out of my life like he did, he should stay out of it.
I glared at him and asked, "What business is it of yours, anyway? Why did you even know about all of this?" And then he called me an idiot (thanks a lot). But something in his face changed then, and suddenly I could tell that something was seriously suspicious about this whole thing, and how interested he was in all of this…
Well, I finally got it out of him.
He was trying to set me up with Atobe, all along.
I couldn't believe what I was hearing. That time I met Atobe at the Latin concert, after New Year's… Yukimura had given him his ticket. And Yukimura deliberately cancelled on me, that time I met Atobe in the park. Even the meeting at the aquarium was planned. (Apparently, Tezuka was in on this whole thing, too. Which, I guess, explains a lot.)
It was all some sort of sick, twisted plot to get me to fall in love with Atobe. Yukimura said he wanted me to end up breaking up with him, for want of Atobe, of all people. He thought Atobe and I would have a better relationship. (He's finally lost it. I don't care what medication he's still on.)
Naturally, I asked him why he thought I'd ever fall for Atobe. And he said that it was because I'm so attracted to him. Alright, I am somewhat attracted to him, but I'm not that attracted to him, and how much does attraction matter anyway? I was too stunned to say much, though, and Yukimura went on and on about how I talk about Atobe for hours on end (When have I ever done that?), and that I'm instantly alert whenever I hear Atobe's name (which is not true), and that he confirmed all of his assumptions with Renji.
That's another thing. My alleged best friend was in on this, too. So the two people in the world I thought I could always trust were conspiring to get me together with someone I don't even like.
So much for trust.
Then Yukimura said something about how he "could tell there was something going on between me and Atobe, espcially lately." Bullshit. What does he know?
My head was reeling. I tried to clarify, "So let me get this straight. You were trying to set me up with Atobe Keigo by forcing us to meet, hoping we would fall in love, so you could get rid of me?"
Instantly, Yukimura lashed out against the phrase "get rid of me." He said he wanted me to be happy. More crap. Yes, Yukimura, I'm going to be happy with Atobe Keigo, my sworn enemy and rival. Get your pain prescription checked.
Honestly, why would he think that would ever work? Atobe and I hardly even see each other, and doesn't he know how much we argue? There is nothing between me and Atobe that would work well in a relationship. I mean, if things didn't work out between me and Yukimura—a relationship that no one could ever call dysfunctional—how are things supposed to work with me and Atobe?
But, no; he insisted that I would have been happy.
Needless to say, I was skeptical. To me, it seemed like Yukimura planned this whole thing out just as much for his own benefit as mine. So I brought up the fact (I thought) that he and Tezuka certainly got a lot out of the deal.
I have to admit, what Yukimura said next absolutely shocked me.
Suddenly looking very angry, he said, "There is nothing going on between me and Tezuka."
I was stunned. I thought for sure that there was still something going on… I mean, they were keeping in touch, weren't they?
But Yukimura looked so serious in that moment…
I had to believe him.
Then he continued, "I still want you and Atobe to be together, and I don't really care what happens to me. If I have to be alone for the rest of my life to prove to you that all of this was for your sake, then I'll do it."
I didn't know what to say that. I still don't, really.
Next, though, he insisted that I was falling for Atobe, and should go tell him. Well, I had plenty to say to that. First of all, I pointed out that he had no reason whatsoever to believe I was falling for Atobe Keigo. Secondly, I'd never be happy with someone like him. And third, I told Yukimura that I'd lost my heart to him. And I don't think I'll ever get it back.
He didn't say anything for a moment; he just glared at me. But then he insisted I was just being stubborn. Either way, he said, I should go see Atobe and apologize.
I didn't do anything wrong.
I forgot my cell phone. It was a mistake. I'm not going go all the way to Tokyo to apologize for a simple mistake. Especially because it was his mistake that he waited outside for so long. It's not my fault he was acting like an idiot.
Any slight (and unfounded) guilt I may feel is not worth having to go to Atobe's house to apologize. I don't want to talk to him. I don't care how he feels about me.
I never want to see him again.
Ever.
I said something to that effect to Yukimura, and left the room. He called after me, but I didn't even look back. Why the hell should I listen to him? Knowing now exactly what he did to me… It makes me sick. He lied to me, about everything.
I can't believe I ever fell in love with such a traitor.
I don't care what he says; he was trying to get rid of me, all along. And he was trying to do it in the most sneaky, underhanded way possible. Not to mention that he was stupid enough to think it would work. Well, Yukimura, it didn't. And it's never going to.
I will never fall for someone like Atobe Keigo.
I don't care how Atobe feels about me. I don't care if there actually is something real under that mask of his; he's still a horrible fake only concerned with keeping up appearances, and I want nothing to do with him. I hate him. I decided that a long time ago. Sanada Genichiroh doesn't change his mind so easily.
I can't believe Yukimura thought otherwise.
He's lost it. They've all lost it. Atobe, Yukimura, Tezuka, Renji… Honestly, I thought that at least Renji knew me better than that. He actually told Yukimura that I might fall in love with Atobe. And he went behind my back, too. Traitor. I thought he was on my side.
They're all wrong. Nothing good will ever happen between me and Atobe Keigo. In fact, nothing at all is ever going to happen between us again. I'm never going to see him again. I'm going to avoid him at all costs. It turns out that his reappearance in my life had everything to do with my pain, with Yukimura breaking up with me and with my life seemingly spiraling out of control for the second time in the past two years. It was all a plan; it was all one and the same.
You know, maybe instead of an apology, I should send Atobe a short thank-you letter. Despite all the pain of ending my relationship with Yukimura, perhaps it's a good thing that I no longer have such a calculating, sneaky boyfriend. And since Atobe played a part in ending our relationship, I should send him my gratitude.
I don't even know if I'm being sarcastic anymore.
It doesn't matter. The point is, I'm not going to apologize. I didn't do anything wrong; there is no good reason to swallow my pride and try to convince Atobe that I'm the idiot, when he's the one who stood outside in the freezing cold when he could have easily gone and sat inside his warm limousine, which was probably parked less than a hundred feet away.
And he called me unintelligent.
…
I can't sleep. I went to bed early, and I've been trying to fall asleep for the past two hours. But I can't.
I am so horrible.
I read over some parts of what I wrote tonight, and I can't believe what a terrible person I am. Yukimura was right when he called me insensitive today. And I was so angry at him that I couldn't even see how right he was.
It's all my fault.
Atobe stayed at home all day, in bed with a terrible cold… And it's all my fault. He's so sick that he couldn't even answer the phone when Tezuka called his house. And if it weren't for me, that wouldn't have happened.
I've been thinking about this a long time tonight, and I don't think I should have blamed Atobe for staying outside in the cold so long. I mean, think about what he was planning on telling me… He was probably afraid that, if he left that spot, he might miss me somehow, and miss his chance… And then he might never have the courage to set up another meeting. Same thing if he decided not to wait for me at all. He probably figured that if he didn't do it then, he was never going to do it… I remember I felt something similar when I planned to tell Yukimura how Ifelt.
And then, when he did tell me…
I'm terrible.
I really should have thought about more of this from his perspective. But I guess I can see now why I didn't; I feel so guilty that I think I'm giving myself a stomach ache.
I never should have run away. I know I panicked, but still… Think about how that must have made him feel. At the moment when he was at his most vulnerable, I just turned and ran away from him.
I'm so horrible.
And what's really sad about all of this is that he was probably feeling vulnerable. Atobe Keigo swallowed his pride enough to tell methat he loved me. That couldn't have been easy. It seems to me that something like that must have been completely against his nature. First of all, to be completely humble and honest to someone, and secondly, to do so in front of me…
He couldn't have been thrilled when he realized that he had feelings for me. He couldn't be any happier about this whole thing than I am. All those times when he tried to convince me that I was a waste of his time… He was probably trying to convince himself, too. I'm not exactly nice to him. I'm sure he doesn't want to have feelings for me.
Honestly… why did he fall in love with me?
I can't imagine how he's feeling right now… For all I know, he's awake at this very moment, maybe too congested or coughing too hard to sleep…
I am such an idiot.
I am careless. How could I have forgotten my stupid cell phone? I should have checked before I left for school yesterday. At least then I could have called him, and he could have gone inside, and he wouldn't be sick… He might still be upset, but at least he wouldn't have a bad cold on top of it all…
And when I think about how it all played out, I feel even worse. I left him there to wait and worry and get even more nervous than I'm sure he already was… No wonder he yelled at me. And it also explains why he started crying…
I made Atobe Keigo cry.
What must that take, to make someone like him actually shed tears? He's not a weak person. I don't think I've ever heard of him crying. It must take something absolutely heartbreaking to make him cry. Such an offense should be punishable by death.
I can't get it out of my head. Feeling his tears fall onto my fingers… The way he held my hand so gently against his cheek; almost desperately, as if he'd fall apart as soon as I pulled away…
For all I know, he did.
I hurt him. I must have hurt him. I rejected him, and I couldn't even stay long enough to make sure he was alright. Couldn't I have at least done that much? I know that I didn't know what to do right at that moment, but I probably should have turned around before I got to the train station, and gone back to apologize. But I didn't. It would have been so easy, but I didn't.
Honestly, I'm not even worth his time.
I hope he's alright. I hope he can just forget about me. How must it hurt him when he thinks about me, and what I did to him? And what about all of the things I've said to him in the past? He always made me so angry that I must have said a million horrible things that weren't even true. He probably remembers every single one of them…
I wish he hadn't been so cursed as to love someone like me.
I would go see him and apologize, but on the other hand, I don't think I should. I think it would just hurt him to see me. It would probably be better for him if he never had to see or talk to me again.
I should just leave him alone, so he can forget.
I'm a horrible person.
I hope he's alright.
…
I just had the most horrible nightmare. It was just like what happened yesterday; I was standing in front of Atobe, with my hand against his tear-stained cheek… He told me he was falling for me, and my world turned upside-down again… I told him I was sorry again, and ran away. Then I thought I heard something shatter, but I don't know what it was, because when I looked back, all I saw was Atobe kneeling on the ground with a katana stuck through his chest. And I kept getting farther and farther away, but I could still see him, coughing and bleeding everywhere, dying, his blood soaking into the snow…
I hope he's alright. I hope nothing's happened to him…
No… wait. This is ridiculous. None of this is happening. None of this could have happened…
I must be going crazy.
Atobe doesn't love me. He hates me. And I hate him. And we'd never be happy together, but I'd never break his heart, either; he doesn't give two sticks what I think.
This is all some horrible nightmare.
I'll wake up tomorrow… It's all a dream. Yukimura was never trying to set us up… He would never do something like that. Atobe didn't actually tell me he loves me… That would never happen. I must have imagined it.
I'm dreaming. Or maybe I'm awake now, and the rest of it was a dream. Or… maybe I'm completely wrong, and all of this really did happen… In which case, I'm a horrible person, and I wish I'd never been born, or that I'd jumped in front of the train after all…
I hope Atobe's alright. I'm kind of worried about him…
I can still see him, bleeding in the snow…
I'm being over-dramatic. This is ridiculous. I'm just having nightmares.
Calm down, Sanada. Some of this must be real, just figure out which pieces…
According to the rest of this journal, Atobe did tell me he loves me. I can't believe that. Why would he love me? I'm not even worth his time. Especially after what I did to him…
Also, Yukimura did set us up. I can't believe that, either. Why did he do that? Why did he think Atobe and I could ever be happy? So far, I've just ended up hurting him…
I left him there, on the cold, snow-covered ground… Maybe not bleeding, but still…
He looks so beautiful, lying there in the snow…
I can't believe I'm saying this. I can't believe I'm so attracted to him. When did that happen, anyway? When I fell on top of him, that one time, that's when I realized it, but when…? I can hardly believe I'd ever feel that strongly about anyone…
I need sleep.
I'll go back to bed. No more nightmares. No more waking up, no more writing in my journal. We'll see what's still there when I wake up.
…
I woke up again, and couldn't go back to sleep. But I think I'm thinking more clearly now… I think…
I can't stop thinking about Atobe. And everything that's happened…
I've come to a few more realizations.
First of all, that he's genuine.
That's what makes him so hard to figure out. He hides his true self and his motivations, so at first he seems like a stuck-up, arrogant snob who couldn't care less what anyone thinks. But a lot of the things that he does don't seem to fit with that. He's really a good person who cares about other people, and he's very generous. Sure, when he does something nice for someone, he'll either trivialize it or make it seem fake by praising himself for his own charity, but I think he's just trying to hide his good motives…
Also, I realized that Atobe Keigo really does love me.
He cried in front of me. He wasn't hiding anything from me at that point. When he said he was falling for me, he was being completely honest. And yet… Somehow that's been one of the more difficult things for me to believe. He loves me. He loves me.
Honestly… I'm flattered.
Atobe Keigo wouldn't fall for just anyone. I think I've said before that he doesn't have a boyfriend because no one wants him… But that's a lie. Plenty of people, I'm sure, would give a lot to be with him. He's smart, talented, good-looking… The problem is that hardly anyone is good enough for him. So much so that most people are too intimidated to even try. And I'm sure he wouldn't give a lot of people a second glance.
But he loves me.
I don't even deserve it. After what I did…
The most important thing I've realized, though, is why he keeps his real self hidden. Like I've said, the real Atobe is the one who helped me feel better, who bought me something really expensive when he really didn't have to… He seems like such a wonderful person. It seems to me that people would like him a lot better if he just acted like that more often. So I've been lying in bed wondering why on earth he would wear a mask, why he'd keep that part of himself hidden from the world. But it's so simple.
He doesn't want to get hurt.
When you're someone as rich and good-looking and competitive as Atobe, it's probably somewhat difficult to know who your real friends are. If he opened up to everyone, imagine how many people would take advantage of him. No… his only choice was to learn to tell people no, to shut out the world and act like he didn't care what other people thought about him. Like no one could hurt him. And then it would be less likely that people actually could…
Maybe he's slowly opened up to some people. But I'm sure it's a very small number, and it probably took him a long time to get to that point. And he's right to be cautious.
I mean, look what happened when he opened up to me.
You know what he's like? Carbon. I know that sounds weird, but really… Just let me think about this for a minute; we learned about it in geology last term…
Well, alright, he has three layers. The outside is like cubic zirconia, which I guess isn't technically carbon… But anyway, it looks pretty and it's flawless and that's what he shows everyone: his mask. But it's not real. And then when you stratch through the surface, underneath is something that looks more like coal. It's more real, but it's black and sooty, and not exactly attractive. This is what I started to see when I wore away at him with all of my insults, and he said nasty things back (which he had every right to do) because I made him so angry.
But underneath that…
There's a diamond.
Diamonds aren't perfect; they have flaws and imperfections. But they're real. They're so much more precious than that fake, synthetic stuff… And they're beautiful. They sparkle like nothing else…
Atobe has flaws too, I'm sure. He's maybe still a little arrogant, and I imagine he's pretty sensitive. Which is where, I guess, the whole diamond analogy breaks down, since diamonds are so hard… But the point is that while he may not be perfect, he's real and that makes him better than the too-perfect-to-be-true mask he always wears.
I'm sure none of this makes any sense. I'll probably read over this later and understand none of it…
I just had to write it down, so hopefully I won't forget the important parts. I should go back to sleep.
…
I still can't stop thinking about Atobe. And I really can't sleep. I just keep imagining him, sick in bed with a cold…
And it's all my fault.
I'm so horrible. I should go apologize. But I'd probably hurt him.
But I should tell him…
I am so tired. Why can't I sleep? It must be my fault. It's all my fault.
I should go see him tomorrow. I need to apologize for being so horrible. I'll just be careful not to hurt him…
It's alright; I won't go to school. We'll play hooky. Wait, no… What day is tomorrow? Sunday. I'm not going to school. There isn't any.
I should go see him. I should apologize. But I don't want to hurt him…
Sweet, precious…
Maybe I shouldn't say anything. He always makes me so mad; I say things, horrible things, I don't even mean them. Maybe I should get him something. He got me a pen… Maybe I should get him something, so I don't have to say anything. What says I'm sorry? Flowers? Diamonds?
Diamonds. No… I can't afford diamonds…
Diamonds don't need diamonds anyway.
I'll figure it out tomorrow. I'm not going to school. I'm going to apologize.
Sleep… sleep is a good idea…
I hope he'll be alright.
真田弦一郎
Sanada Genichiroh
…
There is no entry in Atobe Keigo's journal for the date of February 10th.
Stay tuned for the final chapter of Ice Breaker...