CHAPTER SIXTEEN

Samantha Carter stretched out in bed next to a sated and sleeping Jack O'Neill as afternoon sunlight filtered through her window. She was glad Jack was sleeping, because she was freaking out. Fear and panic fought for control within her, and her brain was a maelstrom of conflicting emotions. What had she done? Why had she done it? What did it mean? Where were they going to go from here? Questions assaulted her from all sides.

The answer to the first question was easy. What had she done? She had just made love to a man she had desired for a long time, and it had been wonderful, despite everything they had recently endured. Sam had been self conscious about her scars at first, but Jack didn't even seem to notice them when he ran his hands down her somewhat less than fully functional legs. She'd been worried that things wouldn't work quite right, but that hadn't been a problem. Jack had helped her when she needed it, but even with her occasional awkwardness, it seemed the most natural thing in the world to be with Jack. After his initial hesitation, both he and Sam had deliberately but insistently explored every inch of one another, before finally making love, despite the protest of several long unused muscles.

As for why Carter had done it, well, that one was easy for her to answer, too. She was a thirty-something, nearly healthy woman. She hadn't had sex in over a year. She was in an emotional hurricane about events in her life, and suddenly an opportunity had presented itself. A man that she found very attractive had come to her house, alone, and they had experienced an emotional release that left them snuggled up close together. The first kiss had just happened. She hadn't thought about it. It just seemed the thing to do to thank the man who had made her feel better just by his presence and then joined her in one of those fits of emotion that seems to give release to everything. Sam's pain and confusion and frustration bubbled out of her with her laughter, and she felt like she would be alright, even if the elation lasted only a minute. So the kiss felt right. It was only supposed to be one. Just one harmless kiss. But when Sam heard Jack's breath catch in his throat at her touch, it felt wonderful. It felt so good to be in control of something. It had been a long time since Sam Carter had been in charge. Of anything. It was do this, rehab that, don't go there, think about this, work on this little project we brought for you. It was enough to make a person insane. Especially one like Carter, who was used to being the expert, the one everyone else turned to for help. So, when Sam heard the hiss of Jack's sudden inhalation and saw Jack close his eyes and lean his head to one side, letting her in while making it clear what effect a small kiss had had on him, she couldn't resist the power. She needed to be in control of something, anything. To feel like she could influence some small portion of her world without anyone else's help. And Jack O'Neill fit the bill very nicely. Sam had needed this to feel alive.

The last two questions, however, were the ones leaving Carter nauseous and terrified. She felt like she'd just drank a gallon of concrete, and it was slowly turning to stone in her stomach. She had no idea what this meant or where she wanted it to go now. Was this merely a power play on her part? Had she used Jack just for a thrill? She didn't want to think she had, but deep down Sam didn't know if there was much substance to her and Jack anymore. With everything that had happened between them in the last two years, from trying out a few dates and then drifting apart to the recent re-kindling of their friendship and the most recent self isolation attempt by Jack, Carter felt that she and Jack were on very shaky emotional ground. She was frankly still pissed at him for leaving her party like he did and making everyone wonder if he was ok. She didn't have a clue what was going on with Jack these days, and that was a problem in and of itself. Her panicked brain told her that for all she knew, this was merely sex for him, and he had someone back in Washington. She had waited so long for a chance to be with Jack, but when it finally had presented itself, albeit with some strings still attached, she hadn't taken it. She could've pushed harder to explore a relationship with Jack after he left the SGC. It hadn't been entirely his fault they had drifted apart. After her accident, when they became close again, it had been like nothing ever happened. They came together like they always did. It just fit. Now, though, with Jack severing ties again, this time all on his own, Carter couldn't help but wonder why. She didn't really want to talk about it with Jack, as she wasn't good at that sort of thing, but she knew that they needed to discuss their relationship. This changed everything. She needed to know where she stood. Her medical discharge meant she could go down this road if she wanted to, and Jack would have her. She was truly free to do as she pleased now. It was too bad she had no idea what that was.

Carter finally drifted off to a fitful sleep still thinking entirely too much. She knew she had enjoyed this experience with Jack, and she had no desire to leave his side, where it was warm, but she also knew they were in for stormy times in the not-so-distant future.