Who am I?

Disclaimer: I don't own the show Supernatural or the characters I just like to play with Sam and Dean and then send them home again.

CHAPTER 5

Dean sat watching Sam sleep; his younger brother seemed to be in a deep dreamless sleep except for the occasional twitch of his fingers and the grimaces that played across his face. Dean could have sworn that Sam was doing more than sleeping but he didn't know what. 'Don't you fucking dare take on that demon in your dreams Sam!' Dean yelled suddenly, jumping up he took Sam by the shoulders and shook him gently, 'come on Sammy time to wake up.'

'Dean what are you doing boy?' Missouri demanded as she ran into the room, a look of panic on her time weary face.

'Something's wrong Missouri, he's not waking up,' Dean said without taking his attention away from Sam, 'he's doing oh I dunno I'm not sure exactly what it is but I just now.'

'I don't know ... alright I trust your judgement,' Missouri frowned and then went to Sam's side gently shoving Dean aside. 'Sam boy it's time to open those pretty eyes of yours.' Missouri said tapping Sam's cheeks.

'Missouri what? What is it?' Dean asked his worry building, 'you have that look on your face.'

'I can feel something bad Dean, very bad and it surrounds Sam himself.' Missouri said pushing herself up from the bed, 'I ... look after him Dean, whatever he says or does don't listen to him, and don't let him leave.'

'Where are you going Lady?'

'I have to prepare a few things, that thing that did this to him, Dean boy it's invading his mind.'

'Sam?' Dean breathed out paling as he watched Sam's fingers start to twist in the sheeting, a sheen of sweat on his brow, 'hurry with it Missouri.'

'Don't you sass me and don't you order me boy I'll be done when I am.' Missouri snapped as she left the room, Dean could hear her voice droning on as she made her way downstairs; shaking his head, he took his position up next to Sam again and watched his baby brother intently.

Sam watched the demon curiously, his hand hovering over the chess piece 'why haven't you made your move yet?'

'I have been considering all possible moves.'

'face it I have you beaten.' Sam smirked, 'at least I can remember how to play chess.'

'Yes it seems as though you do, tell me what else do you remember?'

Sam stared at the demon for a moment, 'pieces of my childhood with Dean, my Dad's face, the impala, I remember...' Sam lifted his head and gave the creature a cold smile, 'I am remembering a lot of things about my life with Dean but nothing, nothing at all about you.'

'Ah but have you ever thought that those memories you have of your life are really your life with me, you are only substituting those fools for me as you are still like a newborn babe, very impressionable.'

'Did anyone tell you that you talk too much?'

'You are determined aren't you Samuel.' The demon smiled finally making his move, 'I do believe that this is check.'

'And this,' Sam said confidently moving his rook, 'is checkmate.'

'What?' the demon hissed staring disbelievingly down at the chess pieces, 'you have not won yet Samuel, I may concede and allow you to remember, but I will not allow you, your freedom, not yet.'

'Now how did I guess that you would double cross me?' Sam smirked sitting back and gazing lazily at the demon who furiously tried to work out Sam's last gambit.

'Samuel why do you constantly bait me?'

'Oh I don't know, it's fun, really you should do something about your indisposition you could lighten up a bit.'

'Oh funny, you know if I wanted witty sarcastic banter I would have invaded your brother not you.'

'Guess it's just my luck ... so why did you take my memory then? If you don't want me to be like my brother and be myself and yet you take my memory from me and leave me with fragments.'

'What Samuel are you feeling sorry for yourself?' the demon grinned, 'would you like to remember the bad stuff?'

'What are you talking about?' Sam felt his constant companion panic rise in him again, 'I don't understand.' Suddenly he felt hot, sweat dripped down his face and soaked his clothes, his hands shook, 'what are you doing to me?'

'Nothing really Samuel just giving you something back that you want so badly,' the demon grinned evilly, 'let me put it this way it is your winnings for the game.'

'I didn't ask for any of this.' Sam panted, his breathes came in short sharp gasps, 'you're cheating again.'

'Really Samuel you must curb your suspicious nature it really doesn't suit you.'

'Stop calling me Samuel my name is Sam.'

'Whatever you say Samuel,' the demon smiled patronisingly, 'I am here but to serve you.'

'Fuck you!' Sam gasped, he pushed away from the table and staggered away from his tormentor, 'what are you doing to me?'

'Giving you your memory back, well not all of it but most of it ... the bad parts anyway.'

The demon disappeared leaving Sam lying on the floor, shivering and curled into a tight ball, the painful memories forced back into his mind, he truly thought he was going insane.

He saw an angry nineteen year old Sam arguing with his father, the words thrown about tore each other to pieces and devastated the third and forgotten member of the family.

The nightmares that filled his sleeping time now filled his mind with ugly images of a young woman pinned to the ceiling and her blood dripping down on his face before she burst into flames.

'Jess.' Her name ripped from his lips as the images changed again and he saw a dying Dean lying in a hospital bed with a terminal heart condition after being electrocuted. A desperate phone call to his father went unheeded. The images morphed into another burst of pain and confusion, he could hear himself arguing with his father just after they had reunited. Again, they ignored the hurt they inflicted on Dean while they ripped each other apart.

'Dad.' He screamed in his mind, as he writhed in agony, all of the pain felt by the three Winchesters coursed through his body as one image merged into another with a blinding speed, intensity and an unforgiving fierceness.

'No Dean!' Sam cried out as he watched helplessly as the yellow-eyed demon ripped his chest to shreds using their father's body to torment and torture them. His father begging Sam to shoot him, taking aim to fire a fatal bullet into his father, his refusal cost them. It was his fault once again.

The semi smashing into the car, made Sam's body jerk like a broken puppet, his brother lying in a coma, his father seemingly uncaring. Yet another argument this time Dean was the subject not the victim.

His last words to his father said in anger, long harsh sobs pulled from Sam's chest as he relived his father's death and funeral pyre. Then Dean's change in personality after the death of their father, his shutdown, and Sam's breakdown. It was too much and Sam screamed soundlessly, clutching his head and squeezing his eyes shut to keep the images away. He couldn't take it anymore.

'Missouri!' Dean screamed as he scrambled to hold his brother's shaking body, Sam had started to thrash about in his sleep, and hoarse incoherent cries filled the silence and terrified Dean even further. Sam was fast losing a battle only he could see and fight, Dean had never felt so helpless.

The heat radiating from Sam intensified to a point where Dean thought he would implode himself.

'Dean boy I am coming, it's just ... Sam he's ... I can feel it all someone or something is forcing him to remember the most painful parts of his life.' Missouri panted as she weaved unsteadily into the room, 'oh my I can feel the strain, and his heart is going to give way if we don't act fast.'

'What? What do we do to help him?' Dean cried out as Sam started sobbing inconsolably reaching out for an unseen presence.

'Call him Dean, talk to him ... keep your voice calm, and nothing to do with pain, just keep it light. Childhood talk to him about your childhood.' Missouri managed to get out as she felt blood dripping from her nose, 'oh my,' she gasped patting her tissue at the nose bleed.

'Hey Sammy, come on dude you have to wake up now. Just open those puppy dog eyes and look at me that's all I ask.' Dean's voice broke as he spoke, clearing his throat and coughing slightly he moved his position, sliding behind Sam so he could cradle his brother's head on his chest, absently rubbing Sam's shoulders, 'remember when we were kids Sam, I guess I would have been oh around thirteen and you, you little squirt you woulda been nine. We were alone for the night and you got me to let you sit up and watch Psycho with me. You were so scared to have a shower for two years after that.' Dean chuckled softly at the memory, 'Dad kept asking you about why you insisted on all shower screens being removed or folded away for you no matter where we were and you said it was coz you couldn't see yourself properly with them hanging so close.'

Sam twisted in Dean's grip and started to sob silently again, sweat mingled with his tears as his fever rose, Dean could even feel each beat of Sam's heart as the thudding grew in intensity.

Dean glanced over at Missouri, not sure on what to do but she gave him a wan smile and nodded for him to continue. 'so Sammy, I remember you as a chubby twelve year old starting your new school, man you were already freakishly tall, you towered over the other kids, but they still tried to bully you. That day you came home with your nose bloodied, a black eye and the goofiest grin I had ever seen, Dad went ballistic but then you showed him your test score, man you got 100 on your math paper and he went from ranting to prancing.' Dean rested his cheek on Sam's head as he cradled his brother closely, he felt a slight change in Sam's condition, and the kid seemed to be improving. 'Oh and I will never forget the day, Maureen Gibbons kissed you, I think you were thirteen and she just bailed you up on the school bus and planted one on ya, man you were red for a week.' Sam's breathing slowly evened out, but he still didn't wake, prompting Dean to keep regaling their childhood exploits, 'and when you went on your first hunt, man Sammy I was so proud of you even if you didn't manage to kill the beastie and almost got yourself sliced up and served as dinner, but you held your ground. Oh and when you did make your first kill, wow man I thought Dad was gonna have a fit he was so happy.'

'Dad?' Sam cried out, 'no please Dean where's Dad?'

'Sammy?' Dean whispered not sure, whether he should answer him, 'come on Sammy time to wake up now.'

'Dad, he hated me.' Sam wept, 'he blamed me didn't he Dean, he blamed me for everything.' Turning on his side Sam clutched at Dean's arms and broke down completely, 'he died hating me, those things I said to him...'

'Dude listen to me it's not your fault,' Dean floundered unsure of how he should handle Sam's unexpected outburst. 'Dad never hated you.'

'I was never good enough, I tried so hard Dean I tried to do what he wanted but I couldn't, I didn't want to be the good soldier.' Sam wept brokenly, 'all I wanted was for him to notice me.'

'Sammy listen to me you did nothing to make Dad hate you and he loved you, he just had a hard time with chick flick stuff.' Sam let out a heaving sigh and pulled away from Dean, he gazed up at his brother confused and disorientated, then he turned to look at Missouri his eyes widening when he saw the bloodied tissue in her hand. 'Missouri?'

'I'm fine Sam, honestly I'm fine.' Missouri said patting his leg, 'now how about I make you some nice soup for lunch.'

'No, no thanks I ah don't feel so good.' Sam grimaced, 'hurts so much.'

'Dude what happened?'

'Who am I Dean? What am I?' Sam cried looking beseechingly at his older brother.

TBC