The doctor and Molly were gone, off to find enough ice to try the hair brain idea, leaving Adam alone with Joe for the first time since he had fought with Joe in the barn. For awhile all he could do was watch the boy. Taking in the sight of his sickly frame while his mind raged war with his emotions for control.
Eventual emotion won out and Adam found himself scooping the boy into his arms, making sure to keep him bundled. He cradled the child like he had done so many times when he was but a babe. It was something Marie had done when Joe was sick or hurt and Adam had continued. It was if by holding the boy in his arms he could make him better. Most of the time it worked.
"Oh Joe…" he sighed as he took in the tangled curls and angelic face. He softly brushed a stray curl out of his brother's eyes and for the first time in years allowed tears to fall. He sat in salience as he took in the horror of the situation and began to rock carefully.
Unexplainably, Adam felt himself grow angry. Angry at Walter for not noticing Joe was sick. Angry at his father and himself for not noticing Joe was becoming sick. Angry at his father for not checking in on the boy during the cattle drive, after all what was so hard about sending a wirer? He was angry at himself for the harsh words that had passed between them last time they spoke. He was angry about the icy goodbyes and for letting anger get between their love. And he was angry at Joe for getting sick and not telling anyone. He was just angry.
"What are you thinking Joe?" Adam said, recalling the words he had last spoken to the boy, "Are you thinking that you're feelings are the only ones to matter? Do you know how worried Pa and Hoss are? Do you know how upset they are? Do you know Pa is worrying himself sick about you? And Hoss is so worried he can't eat; Hoss can't eat Joe. Hoss. And me…" Adam paused here to take a breath and force the tears back before continuing, "Me, I'm so worried I can't think straight. I don't know what to do little buddy. I don't know how to help you, or how to help Pa and Hoss. I don't know how I'm going to continue living if you're not around to annoy me. And how am I suppose to get to know you if you're not around? Huh? How am I suppose to get to watch you grow up and see you become a man if you go and die?"
There was no reply to Adam's request from the sleeping boy. Just the sound of the fall wind blowing out side the window.