Disclaimer: I own nothing. Poop.
Chapter 14
It's funny how four little words can fill someone up with so much terror that they can't move.
Lily felt like she was in an out-of-body experience, because things like this just didn't happen to her. Her life had always been normal and uneventful; at least, it had been until the acceptance letter to Hogwarts dropped on her doormat at the mere of age of eleven.
At that moment, receiving such death threats on parchment was the sort of outlandish ideas she'd read in novels. It's surreal, but it's definitely happening, because her shaking hands are gripping the parchment so tightly that they've turned white, along with her deathly pale face. And no matter how long she keeps staring, it doesn't go away. Unlike a horrible nightmare, she can't blink and reawaken to a sense of wellbeing.
There's no doubt about who sent it; it had to be the Half Blood Prince. Who else would send such letters? And then, an impulsive thought hits her: could the Half Blood Prince be in the room right now?
Her eyes widen in alarm, feeling even more on edge than before. All of a sudden, she can distinctly feel her heart beat faster and her sense of hearing picks up on minute, pointless sounds; the scrape of a knife against the cutting board, a whisper, the rustling of a robe, a boy's laugh. Is it the Prince? Is he here? Is he watching her this second?
"Oh God," she can't help but mutter.
Sirius shimmied up to her with a familiar delighted grin on his face, as though he owned a special radar that picked up the utter of a curse (one of his many abilities). "What're you blaspheming about?" he asked curiously.
Lily remembered she needed to keep extremely on guard, trying to crunch the parchment into the palm of her hand. However, it was too late, as Sirius' beady eyes spotted it.
"What's that?"
"None of your business," she snapped, a little harshly, which Sirius didn't appreciate.
"Redhead, how are we supposed to 'voluntarily' be the best of friends like your bloody boyfriend wants if all you do is snap at me all the time, huh? If you're not going to make an effort, we might as well give up now." He received no response as Lily ignored him, still studying the note between her fingers. "Are you even listening to me?"
"I'm a little preoccupied at the moment, Sirius."
He narrowed his eyes at such a response, as though she were speaking to a child. "What is that?" he pressed again, peeking over her shoulder.
"Bugger off!"
"Christ!" Sirius put his hands up as he backed away from Lily, who he guessed was irritable, not noticing her shiny eyes at the moment. His eyes widened at a thought. "I know what that note is," he spoke in a tone of haughtiness.
"W-what?" Lily quavered, feeling her heart stop.
"You're writing stuff about me. You're writing stuff to your friend Nicole about me in notes." The more Sirius repeated it out loud, the more convinced he was. "How bloody childish is that? And besides, Nicole likes me," he hooked his arms with the girl currently stirring her potion, "Don't you Nicole?"
"Of course I do…" Nicole fiddled with the glasses on the bridge of her nose, whilst trying to remember his name. "Sombre?"
"It's Sirius."
Nicole clicked her fingers in remembrance. "Well, I knew it was one word with the definition of not light heartening."
Sirius didn't look too pleased that she'd forgotten his name. "Sombre? What kind of a name is Sombre?"
"What kind of a name is Sirius?"
"I'm named after a star." Sirius grinned, "The brightest one."
"Don't you think that's inappropriate for someone like you?"
Sirius decided that some girls were the source of evil.
"What kind of a name is Nicole?" he countered gruffly.
"A perfectly normal one. It's Greek for 'people's victory'."
"Are you saying I'm not normal?"
"Well, you are rather bizarre to hook arms with a complete stranger."
"But we've been through the formalities, so you're not a stranger to me anymore," Sirius tried to excuse himself. "Wait, I see. Can't handle a real man's touch, eh?" He arched an eyebrow.
"If you're referring to those bingo wing flabby arms, then yes; I cannot handle the touch."
Sirius couldn't believe his ears. He turned to Lily with a look of affront, "Redhead, I don't like your mate. She is plainly rude."
"Lily, I don't like your boyfriend's friend," Nicole said, shooting him a glare, "He smells like urine."
"Oi, Redhead?"
"Lily? Hey Lily, are you listening?"
"Can you please tell your friend off?"
"Lily?"
"Redhead?"
"Li-ly?"
"Miss Evans, how's your potion coming along?"
"For God's sake," Lily shrieked in defeat, "will everyone just leave me alone?"
The room was forced into silence as everyone stared at her on account of her sudden outburst.
"Oho, Lily, are you well?" Professor Slughorn asked his favourite pupil, with a look of concern.
"Sorry professor," she apologized, "I—" She stopped, not knowing what to say. All of a sudden, she felt drained all over again. Just when she thought life was going back to normalcy, the Half Blood Prince had to spring this up on her. She wanted to go back to the Hospital wing and feel safe.
"Hey, what's all the shouting about?" James appeared by her side, touching her arm. "Lily?" He bent down a little to study her face, while she stared at the floor. "Lily, you've got shiny eyes and that look you get when you're about to cry. What's wrong?" He turned to Sirius. "What did you do to her, Padfoot?"
"Nothing, I was just being my usual charming self and she snapped at me!" Sirius folded his arms in a mood. "She must be temperamental because I found her out."
"Found her out?" James repeated, not liking the sound of that.
"Yeah, she's writing notes about me to her friend Nicole," Sirius explained. With great velocity, he snatched the note out of Lily's hand as she shouted a horrified, "No Sirius!"
Lily didn't want it to come out like this. The problem with the Half Blood Prince was her problem, not anyone else's. She didn't like troubling others with her inconveniences. She'd find out a way to sort out this Prince herself.
But it was too late, as Sirius' eyes fell upon the four words he read the parchment.
"Well, that's charming, that is!" Sirius said wryly, waving the parchment in his hands. "You went too far, redhead. I'd never wish death upon you, but sending me death threats with knife business? That's just sick. I hope you get burnt at the stake—"
"Padfoot," James cut him off with a glower.
Sirius gaped at him in return. "But look what she wrote!" he said, showing him the piece of parchment. Once James had read the note, he looked at Lily with a look of disbelief.
"Lily, how could you write something like that?"
She was still trying to grasp what had happened so quickly, and mumbled back a quietly confused, "I'm sorry…"
Though James looked extremely cross, his cold expression quickly softened at her worrying behaviour. "S'alright," he told her softly.
Sirius was far from happy. "You're just going to forgive her just like that?" He gawked at James. "She just threatened to put a knife to my throat, Prongsie—"
"I'm sure she didn't mean it, Sirius," James said.
"I didn't, honestly I didn't," Lily rectified quickly. She hated herself for going along with the whole charade –of writing Sirius the threatening note- but she couldn't think of another way to get around this predicament. Overwhelmed with guilt, her eyes became even shinier, on the verge of tears. Alarmed, Sirius wailed his arms in the air in panic.
"Oh God, don't do the crying thing. Crying women make me enormously uncomfortable."
Lily pulled a weak smile. "I'm not going to cry Sirius—"
"That's the first thing they say before they do it!" Sirius pointed the finger. "So help my uneasy self, do not make your eyes leak. Look, I forgive you, alright? I'm sure you didn't really want to kill me…"
"That's debatable."
Sirius glared at Nicole. "I have a feeling we don't see eye to eye," he told her.
"I'm visually impaired, remember?"
"Nicole, bite your tongue," Lily told her carefully. With a momentous look, Nicole nodded, pushed her glasses further up her nose, and continued slicing up more roots.
"Redhe—I mean, Lily," Sirius corrected himself, after James shot him a firm look, "I forgive you. So…you know…let's hug and be, er, friends again, yeah?" He shot her a hopeful look.
"You…you want me to hug you?" Lily said uncertainly.
"Yes. Peter introduced me to whole mad craze of friends hugging and I found it rather satisfying." Lily looked unconvinced. "Seriously, I'm not taking the piss," Sirius clarified. He put his arms out wide and flashed all his teeth in a grin.
James noticed Lily's uncertainty and he prodded her softly in her back. "Go on," he motioned her to go forward. Lily kept her heels dug into the ground, clinging to his arm.
"I don't want to, James—"
He laughed, "He's not going to eat you!"
"Sirius nibbled me once," Peter mentioned from the desk behind him, stirring his potion with a blank stare. "He mistook me for pumpkin pie." The others stared blankly at him, and he added, "In an inebriated state, of course."
Sirius stomped the floor impatiently. "Lily, give me a damn hug before I punch you in the bosom."
Raising an eyebrow at such a peculiar threat, Lily stepped cautiously forward and embraced the boy. In exactly two seconds, they patted each other squarely in the back before pulling away, with Lily looking particularly surprised.
"You didn't try to grope me once," she said startlingly.
"I know," Sirius held an impressed look himself, "I think this might be a start of a beautiful friendship, no?"
"Don't push it, Sirius."
"Oho!" Slughorn bundled up to their desk, his moustache fluttering in his steps. "I hate to break up the orgy—"
"Professor!"
"Oh, right. Don't mention sex in the classroom," the professor remembered. "But anyway; I'd prefer if you get back to potion-making. I want to end the lesson early and interrogate every one of you by making you feel tongue-tied and discomfited by asking about your family as means of unearthing any signs of fame behind yourself or your relations."
"Looking forward to it professor!" Sirius saluted the air. Taking the hint, the others also got back to their potions - however, one student in particular couldn't concentrate. Evidently, the threatening note was still on her mind. If her assumption was correct, the Half Blood Prince was obviously not happy about Lily passing on his gifts to others.
"Nicole," Lily started, staring intensely at the Half Blood Prince's knife in her hand.
"Yeah?" Nicole sent her a probing look. Lily realized she was staring too noticeably at the knife and let her eyes travel upwards to look at her friend's slightly concerned face.
"I'm sorry to be a pain, it's just…I need the knife back."
"Oh," Nicole looked startled, but shrugged, handing her over the knife. "Okay."
Once the Half Blood Prince's knife was back in Lily's grasp, she breathed a sigh of relief - to some extent. Perhaps the Prince would be happy now…
------------
"Moony!" James winded his way past his classmates exiting Slughorn's classroom, trying to catch up with his werewolf friend. On his meandering, he spotted a flicker of red hair rush past him, instinctively knowing it was Lily's. Quickening his pace, he managed to catch up her with, settling his hands on her waist from behind.
"Hey, where are you hurrying off to?" he murmured smoothly in her ear.
"Toilet," she answered quickly. "I'll see you later." She gave him a quick kiss on the cheek before hurrying off once more, and James watched her retreating back down the corridor with a slight frown at her nippy response. Remembering the original person he had been following, he spotted Remus' recognizable gangly figure and light hair from a distance, rushing down the corridor after him.
"Moony," James landed a hand on his shoulder and he spun round, pulling an awkward smile.
"Hey," he said, a little uncomfortably.
James started, "I just wanted to talk about your furry little problem—"
"Remus!"
The boys spun round at the sound of the call - Georgina was approaching. Once the blonde was in front of then, she wore a particular grin directed at Remus, an affable smile that quickly confused James. Her eyes eventually fell upon James and a look of startle spread across her features, which the boy equally shared, cocking his head to one side in wary perplexity. There was much staring directed at one another, Remus looking the most ill at ease, perhaps even guilty, until Georgina broke the silence.
"I'm sorry for interrupting." She squeezed Remus' arm before saying low and only to him, "I'll see you at dinner, yeah?" And she scampered down the corridor. Once she turned the corner out of sight, James arched an eyebrow at Remus.
"Don't give me that look, James."
He put up his hands in defence. "I'm not giving you any look, Moony," he protested innocently.
"Yes you are," Remus said, reading James like a book.
"Alright," James gave in, owning up to the sceptical gaze, "Let me just ask you one question: who are you and what have you done to the real Remus Lupin, Polyjuice Impostor?"
"What have I done exactly to deserve the entitlement of Polyjuice Impostor?" Remus asked at once, hitching his school bag higher on his shoulder as he continued down the corridor, with James following in curious steps.
"That was a rather pointless question, Moony. The answer is blatantly obvious; you were just exchanging dialogue with a girl—"
"I'll have you know that I have exchanged dialogue with the female species before; Lily being a prime example. I find them rather interesting company."
"Yes, but this is Hot Georgina we're talking about—"
"Can you not call her that?" Remus asked, looking a little annoyed. James shot him a knowing look.
"That was a rather protective boyfriend comment, don't you think?"
"She's offering me friendship, James, that's all."
"It's never friendship with her."
Remus halted in the corridor to stare at James. That had been a rather outlandish comment. James ran a hand through his hair, making it familiarly stand on end. "Just trust me alright, Moony? I know her a lot more than you do—"
"That's something you've never really explained," Remus mentioned, a little brusquely. "What exactly is your history with her?"
"There is no history with her," James said quickly, a little cold. He debated whether to carry on. "It's quite common knowledge that she used to fancy me years ago, and, well, I rejected her, no matter how many times she persisted because my eyes were only for Lily." He shrugged as offhandedly as possible. "I'm just saying maybe she's getting closer to you to get to me—"
"Oh, and it couldn't have been on account of me being a likable person?" Remus' voice raised a little. James knew he'd touched a nerve.
"I'm not saying that."
"And I suppose she got to know Sirius further to get nearer to you as well?" Remus presumed.
James shrugged offhandedly again, "Maybe." He shot Remus an apologetic look. "Don't get me wrong, Georgina's a nice girl, she means well, it's just…she says she's changed but some people never really do, do they?" The question lingered in the uncomfortable silence. "Just be on your guard."
"Why am I being warned and not Sirius?" Remus questioned, a little touchily.
James gave a half-laugh. "You know Padfoot. He has his little crushes and flings and he gets over them. He doesn't really like Georgina like I love Lily," he compared. "Nothing serious is ever going to happen between them."
"You don't know that."
"Maybe I don't," James agreed. "But I know Padfoot."
"And I suppose I'm much more likely to fall for a girl unbreakably?" Remus again presumed, and James gave a weak nod. "I'd never even consider Georgina in any way other than friendship, especially when Sirius likes her."
"And how do you think he's going to react when he sees you with her all chummy?" James answered his own question, "Irrationally, of course." He almost laughed at Remus. "Your friendship with her is doomed from the start Moony, just come back and hang around with us—"
"I'm not ready," Remus' slightly severe tone cut James off, and he instantly looked apologetic. "The dreams haven't stopped," he said, calmer.
"Sod the dreams!" James threw up his hands. "That's all they are: dreams." Stubbornly, Remus shook his head. "Fine, Moony," he sighed. "I've completely gone off the point of this conversation."
"Which is?" Remus queried.
"Your furry little problem." The second James said this, he erupted into chuckles.
"I really can't grasp the amusement you find in calling it that," Remus said, rolling his eyes. "Do you know how many people have asked if I need any advice on my badly behaved rabbit?"
"Twenty four and counting," James grinned, but the smile quickly disappeared. "Moony, you know tonight is—"
"The night my furry little problem occurs – yes, I know."
James ran a hand through his hair again when he spoke. "Well, after all this business with Sirius—"
"I think it would be best if I went it alone tonight," Remus said as steadily as possible. James gawked at him.
"You're kidding, right?" James sincerely hoped he was kidding. "Moony, I know how tough the transformation is for you."
"I managed perfectly fine without you before you became animagi," Remus said stoutly.
"Maybe so," James agreed, laughing to the point of absurdity, "But it's tradition we're there by your side. It's like a ritual!"
Remus wouldn't back down. "Don't come to the Shrieking Shack, James," he said tightly, hoping James would get the message. "Tell Sirius and Peter, too."
James held back from starting another argument. "Alright," he gave in eventually, knowing Remus' decision couldn't be budged. A particular thought hit him, "I won't come, but…I can't speak for Sirius."
"Then force him not to," Remus told him, and all James could do was simply nod. "I better go meet Georgina…" He left James to stand in the corridor alone, rather sad after their exchange.
"Be ready to come back to the Marauders soon, Moony, alright?"
With a momentary glance back, Remus nodded, "I will."
----------
Lily stared into the inside of the toilet bowl she was kneeled over, barely distinguishing the pulp of her breakfast she'd just thrown up. All the while, she thought of the Half Blood Prince. He had driven her to this, to making her feel terrified and her insides squirm. Quickly wiping her mouth, she stood up shakily using the cubicle walls to steady herself, flushed the toilet, and exited the cubicle. She gasped when she discovered what she previously thought was the empty Moaning Myrtle's bathroom, not so empty, with a girl brushing her hair in front of one of the wall mirrors: Georgina.
"Hot Georgina—" Lily's eyes widened, realising what name she'd just called her. She heated a little in the face, rolling her eyes to herself. "Sorry, I've spent too much time with the boys..." All of a sudden, she was worried by the girl's presence in the bathroom and what she could have just listened to.
"Yes, I did hear you vomiting," Georgina answered the question that came across Lily's thoughts. Georgina stopped brushing her hair to arch an eyebrow at Lily. "Is there something I should be telling James?"
"I'm ill, that's all," Lily answered her uncomfortably, washing her hands in the sink. There was a brief pause of silence, only the sounds of water gushing from the taps and Moaning Myrtle wailing melodramatically in the corner, until Georgina spoke.
"You know, you can talk to me. People say I'm a good listener."
Lily stared at the light haired girl, a little confused. "I don't mean to sound rude, but I don't even know you. And I don't think it's any of your business."
Georgina looked a little startled at first, but accepted her answer with a small nod.
"I saw you rather cosy with Remus earlier," Lily said, studying Georgina out of the corner of her eye, while checking her pale face in the reflection of the mirror. "What exactly is your business with him?"
Georgina laughed slightly, "Business?"
"He's my friend; I'm just worried about him," Lily admitted. "Come on Georgina, everyone in this castle knows you're famous for breaking boys' hearts."
"I've changed," Georgina asserted, tightly. "I'm offering Remus nothing more than friendship. I'm just trying to help him."
"Why don't you help him by not getting his hopes up?"
"Why don't you help yourself by asking for help," bit back Georgina, "because something is obviously troubling you."
There was so much truth behind her words it unsettled Lily. "You wouldn't know the half of it," she admitted to her, darting out of the bathroom.
-------------
Yet again, Sirius Black was stumped.
"Pete," the shortened version of his name attempted to roll casually off Sirius' lips, but at this particular moment, all he could do was stare at his friend, while stirring his soup in a rhythmic circular motion.
"Pete, what are you," he paused, trying to the find the appropriate word and settled with, "dressed…as?"
Sirius continued to stir his soup as Peter parked himself opposite him in the Great Hall at dinner. He recognized Peter to be wearing one of Remus' sweater vests, a pair of reading glasses and a bar of chocolate creeping out of his pocket, along with a dictionary and thesaurus placed in either hand.
"Well, you know how the Remus Lupin Marauder…Replace…the man…Remus Lupin—"
"The Remus Lupin Marauder Replacement Auditions?" Sirius said, most eloquently.
"Yes, that," Peter nodded, "Well, it didn't seem to go to plan as we didn't particularly find the right Moony replacement."
Sirius put up a finger. "Actually—" he started.
"So I've decided," Peter continued, and Sirius shut his slightly parted mouth, "I will be the replacement!"
Sirius blinked, "You what now?"
"It makes perfect sense," Peter said, happily masticating a chicken leg as he spoke, "I know Remus relatively well from the years of friendship, so I know all his traits!"
Sirius loosened his collar a bit, appearing a little nervous. "Erm, I dunno," he said uncertainly.
"Oh please let me be the replacement, Padfoot!" Sirius was suddenly tugged forward, landing him with his elbows in his soup, as Peter pulled him by the shirt collar with odd desperation in his eyes. "I'd be so good at it!"
Sirius grimaced, sniffing his robes that now smelled like tomatoes. "Well…"
"I'm adequately dressed for the part!" Peter modelled his clothes; spinning in a circle, which others noticed while eating their dinner and promptly snorted pumpkin juice out of their nostrils. "And I can speak like Remus too!" Sirius showed a pitying expression as he watched Peter slam the dictionary to the table and flick through it quickly.
"Wormtail, I think you should stop—"
"Salutations!" Peter said, pointing the word on the page. He flicked through the dictionary again, coming under the letter 'H'. "Hamadryas!" he read the word aloud. He grabbed Sirius' hand and shook it vigorously. "Salutations Hamadryas!" he repeated.
Sirius couldn't disguise the bewildered expression on his face. "What does that even mean?" he questioned.
Returning back to the dictionary, Peter looked for the definitions and cringed, "Greetings sacred baboon of ancient Egypt?" That had not been good news to Sirius' ears…
"Ancient baboon?" Sirius cried, rising from his seat.
"Er," Peter panicked, flipping through the dictionary for a word to bail him out. He came under the letter 'B' and said an unsure, "Buttermilk?"
"That doesn't even make any sense!"
"I'll work on the Remus Lupin Dialogue, Padfoot," Peter said desperately, and Sirius laughed at the idea of Remus having his own secret channel of communication, "I promise!"
"Pete," Sirius started gently, "It's not that I don't want you to be the replacement but, you see, I've kind of already owl-ed Frank—"
However, Sirius was cut off by a pigeon (James' beloved pet 'Herpes') entering the Great Hall, flying rather unsteadily with a letter tied to his foot. Circling the Great Hall ceiling a few times, Herpes finally made it to the recipient of the letter, dropping rather violently on to the dinner table like a bomb - not forgetting to plop some excrement rather skilfully on to an unfortunate first year's shoulder.
"That's the seventh time this week," the first year remarked, wiping his robe with a piece of lettuce close at hand. Once the mopping was done, he replaced the lettuce back onto his neighbour's plate, which the boy happily slurped unaware of where it'd been.
"There's a pigeon swimming in your soup."
Frank Longbottom was quite conscious of this, but had found it quite funny observing Herpes swim round in a never-ending circle of chicken juice, making the occasional furious hoot. Frank gave Kingsley Shacklebolt, sitting across him, a courteous nod for telling him about the pigeon (because it was only polite, and Kingsley scared him considerably) and picked the pigeon up, plonking him on the table. Herpes shook her feathers out and stuck out its leg as Frank untied the letter and began to read.
Dear Mr. Longbottom (HARHARHAR…have you ever realised you have the words 'long' and 'bottom' in your name? That's bloody hilarious! I wish my name was as pun-ridden…wait, it already is. Does anyone ever ask you if you have a long bottom?)
Right, where was I? Oh yes! After much consideration, we've decided after looking at THOUSANDS of applicants, you will be the replacement Remus Lupin. Congratulations. Please do not take this job for granted; there were many people better than you. We just found you the least scary and approachable.
Your job as replacement Remus Lupin starts right away! We look forward to Marauder-ing with you.
Yours sincerely,
Sirius Black
(Otherwise known as Leader of Marauders and lover of Muggle motorbikes.)
P.S – This is not a prank.
P.P.S – This letter will explode in exactly ten seconds.
"WHAT?" Frank screamed, and then read the final note at the bottom.
P.P.P.S – Not really, but I bet you shit your knickers! HARHARHAR...God, I crack myself up sometimes…
This was an important moment in Frank Longbottom's life. He just had to celebrate. But first of all: was Alice nearby?
Why was he wondering why Alice was nearby? Because, if loyal girlfriend Alice found out he'd been accepted as a Marauder, or was even socializing with them to begin with (she had a theory that those four boys were mental and it spread easily on to individuals like some Marauder Plague) she would steal his pet frog.
"Alice isn't here, Longbottom," Kingsley said tonelessly, as though he could read his mind.
Frank grinned; he would rejoice in the quietest way possible.
"OH YEAH, I NAILED IT!" Frank rose from his seat and pointed a finger at Kingsley in a rebellious manner, "IN YOUR FACE, KINGSLEY!"
He replied with a frightening glare.
"Oh Merlin, please don't kill me," Frank spluttered.
Truthfully, Kingsley was contemplating it, but was more inclined to eating his Brussels sprouts. "I suppose…the best man won," he said half-heartedly. On that note, Frank rushed off to where Sirius and Peter were sitting with his letter raised high in the air. Sirius immediately spotted him and cringed.
"Frankie mate—"
"I just read the letter," Frank cut him off, and Sirius again closed his open mouth yet again at being interrupted when he was trying to voice important things, "You've made the right decision!"
Sirius really didn't know how to break the bad news. Scratching his head, he said carefully, "There's been a change of plans…" Frank stared at him, and then frowned at Peter's rather smug expression, and also at his Remus Lupin Attire. "You see, Peter's going to replace Remus instead."
The words hit Frank like a slap to his face. His life long dream of two days had been shattered by Peter Pettigrew. "But you picked me first!" Frank yelled in outburst. He tugged Sirius forward, who again landed his elbows in his soup, just when they'd been beginning to dry off.
"Well, yes," Sirius agreed weakly, picking Frank's fingers off his collar, "but it's more convenient having Peter."
At this assertion, Frank burst into rather painful, despondent whimpers. Two crying women –well, Frank wasn't technically a lady but Sirius accounted him as one on this occasion— in one day would kill Sirius Black. As the seconds passed on, and Peter and Sirius continued to stare at the snivelling boy, an idea came to Sirius. At such an ingenious idea, Sirius couldn't help but mutter "I'm a genius" to reinforce the fact.
Flicking through his dictionary and thesaurus, Peter added, "You might articulate that you are a whiz kid with debonair hair and droll verbal communication."
"Indeed Pete," Sirius agreed. "Frank, there might be another position open for you."
Frank's hopes raised a little, noted in his more alert stance. "Another position?" he repeated excitedly. Realising his he'd put too much zeal in his words, he added, "Actually, I don't think I could fulfil any other position than Remus Lupin. It's rather hard for someone of my calibre—"
"And you could say: aptitude," Peter cut in, clutching his thesaurus.
"Possibly," Frank said, shooting Peter a strange look, and continued, "For someone of my calibre to suddenly switch roles from individual to individual like some amateur."
Sirius shrugged casually, "Not even being the replacement of, say," a mischievous smile crept on his lips, "a messy haired prat with glasses?"
Frank sucked in a breath. "You mean…James Potter?" he whispered, his eyes amplifying. Naturally, Peter hadn't been informed James needed to be replaced lately and elbowed Sirius in the ribs.
"Have you discussed this with Prongs?" he whispered, looking a little panic-stricken.
"He'll be too loved up with Evans to notice," Sirius replied leisurely. "Frank," he addressed the boy, "Here's the brief; James has been neglecting his Marauder duties—"
"You could say: his obligation," Peter added, pointing to the word in the thesaurus.
"Yes," Sirius was getting a little annoyed by Peter doing that, "He's been too loved up with his lady Evans recently, so you could be the Replacement James Potter," he proposed.
"You could say: a surrogate—"
"Stop that, Wormtail," Sirius warned him with a deadly look. "So Frankie," he put out his hand, ready for Frank to shake, "what do you say?"
Frank had to admit, being a surrogate James Potter was a good offer. Pushing aside any sane thoughts, he confirmed "I'll do it," shaking Sirius' hand with much oomph. "I shall do it and I shall be the best surrogate James Potter this castle has ever seen!" He ended his declaration with a heroic pose and thoughtful gaze to the Great Hall ceiling.
"What's he looking at?" Peter asked at Sirius, following Frank's stare upwards.
"I don't know," Sirius admitted, answering in a low whisper, "But just nod and smile." As Frank took his gaze off the ceiling to focus on Sirius and Peter, they quickly pulled strained smiles, before Frank plonked his bottom opposite them. Rubbing his hands together as he stared at the food in front of him, Frank asked, "So what does James Potter like to eat?"
Sirius searched the table for the most peculiar food. He came across a plate of faggots and pointed to it. "James likes those."
Frank rose a little in his seat to study the grub. "What are those?" he questioned, a little distastefully.
"Faggots are a kind of pork meatball, a traditional dish in parts of the United Kingdom, especially Wales and the Black Country," Peter said, rather fluently in a Remus Lupin approach. "A faggot is traditionally made from pig heart, liver and fatty belly meat—"
"Fatty belly!" Sirius snorted, slapping the table in amusement. "Har har har…"
"—or bacon minced together, with herbs added for flavouring and sometimes breadcrumbs. The mixture is shaped in the hand into balls, and wrapped round with 'caul' –the lining from the pig's stomach— and baked," Peter finished.
"Anything else?" Frank queried, looking a little unwell after Peter's too-much-information.
"It's served with peas and gravy."
Frank nodded, "Right," pulling a plate of faggots towards him. Unenthusiastically, he started to munch on his unappealing meal, while Sirius grinned wickedly.
"Did you know," Peter started, pointing to a page of the dictionary, and Sirius let off an obnoxious 'OH GOD, I don't bloody know but you're going to tell me anyway, aren't you?', "that an 'imp' is a 'young or little devil'?" Peter looked genuinely alarmed. "I mean, did you know that? Because I really didn't know that— did you know that Sirius?"
"No, I did not Wormtail."
"Did you know that, surrogate James?"
Frank continued chewing on his faggots with a definite squirm on his face, not looking too pleased at the moment. "Would James Potter know that?"
"No," Sirius replied.
"Then I do not know that."
"I'm a little concerned—or even," Peter flicked through the thesaurus for the hundredth time that hour, "fretful, that there is-" another flick through the thesaurus "-infinitesimal-" and another "-critter-" and again "-at this juncture."
"Tail-worm," Frank addressed Peter, "put the books away. They are putting me off my faggots," he used his most haughty James Potter voice and added quietly to Sirius, "Did I sound like James then? Did that sound like something James Potter would say?"
"Pretty much," Sirius said. "But it's 'Wormtail' not 'Tail-worm'."
"Did you know-" Sirius let off another 'Oh for eff's sake' at Peter's commence "-that the word 'crapulous' means 'sickness caused by excessive eating or drinking' or 'excessive indulgence; intemperance'?"
"Padfoot is crapulous all the time then," the real James Potter had arrived in the Great Hall, sticking his tongue out at Sirius as he sat down across the boys. Sirius looked a little apprehensive with Frank –surrogate James Potter- present.
"Er, where've you been?" Sirius attempted at breeziness.
"I was talking to—" James stopped, holding back from saying Remus' name, "Er, I was talking to…God." The boys stared blankly at him. "Erm," he searched for something to get the attention off himself, and spotted Frank, "Hey Frankie mate! You don't normally sit with us Marauders!"
"I'd like to be addressed as 'James' from now on."
To say James was confused would be an understatement. "Righto," he answered uncertainly. He shot Sirius a questioning look but Sirius merely shrugged his shoulders, shooting him a look which implied Frank was just being insane.
"Faggots?" Sirius pushed a golden plate of pork meatballs in front of James, hoping that would distract him.
"Ugh, I'd rather eat niffler pubes, thank you very much." James shuddered and pushed the plate away from him. "I bloody hate faggots." Frank froze from eating his faggots, dropped his fork to his plate, and glowered at Sirius.
"Sirius," James began, and Sirius noticed James was looking Frank out of the corner of his eye, as though he found his presence uncomfortable while bringing a certain subject up, "I wanted to talk to you about—" He noticed Frank was giving him a probing look and he grabbed a chicken leg, nibbling on it in a cavalier fashion, "Remus' er...furry little problem."
Sirius knew exactly what James talking about and made a small "Oh…" sound.
"I didn't know Remus owned a rabbit!"
The boys stared at Frank who looked absolutely dumbfounded.
"Yes," James said tentatively, "Yes, Remus owns a rabbit. Anyway—"
"Is it a boy or girl?"
Frank resembled a cow chewing on grass as he chewed slowly on his food, awaiting James' answer.
"It's a girl, but as I was saying—"
"Ooo, what's its name?"
James and Sirius exchanged an apprehensive look, before James answered, unthinking, "Fanny." Naturally, Sirius exploded into laughter.
"Fanny's not a name!" he argued, on the grounds of it just being too ridiculously pun-worthy.
"It is," Peter insisted. "Fanny is a given name; a pet form of Frances, which in turn is the female form of Francis—"
"Stop talking about the name Fanny," James interjected with a sigh. Trying to get back to the subject of Remus, he carried on, "You know, Padfoot, tonight we, er, normally join Remus and his, er, furry little problem, yeah?"
"You join Remus…and his rabbit…Fanny?" Frank said, trying to keep track.
"Yes Frank," James answered him absentmindedly. "Padfoot, he wants to….er….be alone with his, er, furry little problem tonight." The second James said this, he took it back.
"He wants to be alone with his rabbit?" Frank couldn't control the frown across his features. "That's called bestiality in some countries, you know."
"He's going at it alone?" Sirius ignored Frank, looking startled. Frank looked startled beyond words at what he said. "But he can't go at it alone," he shook his head feverishly, "I know we're having problems at the moment, but I thought we were still doing it tonight – together, you know."
Frank was still trying to get his head around the conversation. "What exactly do you do with Remus and his rabbit?"
"Did you talk to Remus to try and change his mind?" Peter asked, chewing openly on his bar of Moony chocolate.
"Yeah," James answered him. He took a moment to stare at Peter's somewhat Remus Lupin attire, but decided to ask later, the subject of Remus Lupin more important right now. "He won't back down though," James continued, rubbing his forehead tiredly. "He's definitely doing his furry little problem—"
"WHAT?" Frank spluttered.
"—alone tonight, for definite. He told me to specifically tell you guys not to come," James turned to Sirius, "I told him you'd go anyway, and he said to force you not to."
"I don't care if you break all my limbs Prongs, I'm going," Sirius said resolutely.
"I knew you'd say that," James grinned. Since James' grins seemed to be contagious, Sirius pulled his own haughty one.
"Aren't you supposed to be saying something to make me not go, Prongs?"
"Someone's got to be there with his…furry little problem, Padfoot." Though it was said in a good-humoured tone, James held a sombre gaze, which Sirius replied with a silent, understanding nod.
"But…" Frank looked purely confounded. "Why exactly is Fanny such a problem?"
An image of Remus' in full transformation of a werewolf sprang to Sirius' mind, most specifically his werewolf fangs. "He has a generous nibble," Sirius answered Frank.
Thoughtfully, Frank gazed at his faggots. "I'll have to have a chat with that Remus. I'm pretty sure what he's doing with that rabbit is illegal."
------------
After talking to Sirius, James didn't stay long for dinner, instead mooching his way to the Head Tower. Lily hadn't turned up for dinner, and unsurprisingly that had made him a little concerned. Climbing through the portrait of the Fat Man, he desperately hoped Lily was inside – and to his relief, she was, lying on one of the common room couches as she gazed up at the ceiling.
"Hey you," he refrained from using her nickname of 'orange peel' as he pointedly knew that bugged her. Lily smiled faintly in response, and as he approached her, she moved up slightly on the sofa so he could lie down next to her. Obviously it wasn't made as a bed for two people to individually lie on, but they somehow managed it snugly with limbs entangling.
"You missed dinner," James said. Although there was no need to whisper it, he somehow how felt inclined to in the hush of the room.
"I know," Lily said, equally as quiet. "I wasn't that hungry."
James rustled in his pocket and brought out a rather ghastly chicken leg covered in fluff from his trousers. "Saved something for you," he cringed. Lily couldn't help but laugh, but suddenly looked forlorn as she stared at him.
"I don't deserve you." It came out in such a shallow whisper James had to strain to hear.
"What are you talking about?" he laughed in disbelief. "I don't deserve you," he twisted her words, nudging her knee with his own.
"No, James," Lily stubbornly shook her head, brushing her nose against his shoulder, "You're too good for me."
James kissed her forehead and she shut her eyes. "You're cute when you're insecure," he chuckled.
"James," Lily could feel herself get distracted as he played with the ends of her hair, "James, I have to tell you something—"
"Oh, you'll never guess who I saw Remus with earlier!" he cut her off in a dismayed voice.
It was too late. Lily had lost her chance.
"Who?"
"Georgina."
"I saw her with him too."
"Really?"
"Yeah. Has Sirius seen them together?"
"Not yet."
"Does Sirius know you're not allowed to do pranks?"
"Same answer."
"He'll be a bundle of teen angst when he finds all that out."
James laughed at Lily's remark, and she smiled, liking his warm breath hitting her skin.
"I was planning to set some bonding time between you and Sirius tonight, but it'll have to be postponed," James said.
"How come?" Lily asked, though was secretly happy the 'bonding time' could not occur.
"Remus' furry little problem tonight."
"Oh I completely forgot," Lily covered her mouth shamefully. "Be careful, will you? You know how worried I get when you transform."
"I'm not going. Remus has forbidden us to go."
Lily paused thoughtfully. "So Sirius is going to the Shack anyway, right?" she guessed.
James could do nothing but shake his head in amusement. Tugging her closer to him, he asked, "Why do I feel like you've known me all my life?"
"I will not justify that naff line with an equally naff response, Mr. Potter."
James pouted affectionately but said nothing further on it. "I was mad at him first," he realised how unclear he sounded and added, "Remus, I mean. I was angry that he'd left us to sort out his head, but it makes sense now. He's brave for doing it, straying from the group to sort out his problem alone, don't you think?"
'Sorting out his problem alone', Lily repeated the words in her mind. That's what she had to do with the Half Blood Prince; sort it out by herself and not get James to jump her rescue and almost certainly get hurt in the process.
"I just remembered," she untangled away from James and he showed much displeasure at her actions, "I have to go do this thing…."
"What thing?" James said, tugging her arm so she collapsed back on the cushions of the sofa with an 'oof!' sound.
"A thing with McGonagall, a Head duty thing," she said vaguely. She patted away his hands that had seemed to affectionately glue to her waist as she climbed off the sofa.
"Do you need me to be there?" James asked, picking up on that 'Head' part of her sentence.
"No, it's just a Head Girl thing."
"Are you sure?"
"I'm sure."
As Lily made her way to the portrait hole, she picked up on his slightly hurt look and made her way back over to him.
"Miss you," she said, kissing him tenderly on the lips.
"Yeah, you too," he mumbled back. He wanted to seem unresponsive when he kissed her, to show her he wasn't happy with her sudden getaway, but, as always, the idea was quickly brushed aside the second her lips touched his.
James reluctantly let her pull away from him before darting out of the Head Tower, with her red hair bouncing over her shoulders. The second she was gone, his eyes locked onto the invisibility cloak on the table.
"Don't follow her," James told himself aloud. He went to his dormitory and shut the door harder than necessary.
He hated that small part of himself which didn't trust her.
------------
"Derrick."
It had been pure luck that Lily had managed to find Derrick on his way to his Ravenclaw Tower, or maybe the boy had been lingering in the particular corridor expecting her to seek him out.
Spinning round, a dazed look came across Derrick's features. "Lily?" he said breathlessly. She spent no time in studying his strange nature.
"I need to talk to you."
Derrick bent his head down a little, his loose blond hair falling in front of his eyes. "Does this have something to do with your outburst in Potions today?"
Lily had somewhat expected that answer, and silently nodded.
"Let's talk in here," Derrick opened the door of an empty classroom and motioned her to go inside first. With an unwavering stare, Lily stepped inside, and Derrick shut the door after.
Further down the corridor, James pulled the invisibility cloak off his shoulders with an angry tug, wondering what the hell he'd just witnessed.