Disclaimer: I own nothing except my tremendous procrastinating abilities. And a JAR OF DIRT.
A/N: Thanks to Anna for beta-ing. Also, thanks for the feedback on the fruit war last chapter. I can safely say mangoes won. IN YOUR FACE, ANNIE….ahem. Please review as fantastically as usual and I heart you all.
Chapter 17
For once, James thought that this particular Friday night was going to be a peaceful one, something quite out of the ordinary for a Marauder. There he was, being boring and playing wizard chess with Peter in the common room, while his best friend and girlfriend were spending quality time together alone in the Head Tower around furniture that could be perfect for snogging on top of…
What drugs had he been on when he suggested that idea?
"Your move, Prongs."
James blinked out of his thoughts. "Right," he answered Peter, concentrating back on the game.
He had nothing to worry about of course, as Lily protested frequently how she wouldn't touch Sirius with a fifty foot barge pole, and once James remembered this he laughed smugly to himself, because, yes, he was that self-assured.
James thought it was nice being boring. Running about the castle because your friend's cat had accidentally ingested Polyjuice Potion and took on your naked body, or getting sliced in the chest by a Dark Arts spell from a 'slimy git with a nose longer than a carrot', or drowning in the Great Lake for a girl's attention; it did get rather tiring sometimes. So it was nice just sitting in the common room, losing against Peter in a game of wizard chess (nicknamed Wizard's Chest by Sirius Black for far-fetched reasons), being boring and closely watched by Frank Longbottom.
How did James know he and Peter were ideal subjects for spying?
Frank was standing directly next to their chess board. In fact, James could even smell him. He smelt like grass, and amphibians, and oddly….Alice? James wondered if he smelt of Lily.
His eyes shifted from the chessboard to eye Frank uneasily. "Was there something you wanted, Frank?" James asked him, his fingers drumming against the table.
"No," Frank informed with a shrug, and continued to stare. James didn't think he was blinking.
"Are you quite sure, Frank?"
"Yes."
Still no blinking. It had been at least thirty seconds now and Frank's eyes hadn't even started watering yet. It was like being watched by a disturbing doll from a shelf as a child.
"Frank, what are you doing here?" James asked bluntly. Frank looked a little embarrassed when he answered.
"You know…just being…present."
Peter looked up from the chessboard. "Present?"
"Not gift present, Wormtail. Other present," James clarified.
"Oh." Peter looked disappointed, his full awareness back onto the wizard chess once more.
Politely James suggested, "Why don't you be present," he pointed to the other side of the common room, "over there? And not facing this way."
"Because I have to be near Marauders."
James found that reply a little creepy. Talk about being idols to some people…
"And why do you have to do that?" he asked Frank uncertainly. The answer to James' question seemed quite obvious to Frank.
"Because I'm Substitute James!" he declared.
So much for a peaceful night.
"Frankie, Frankie, Frankie." James's fingers drummed harder against the table, so much his fingernails were wearing down and Peter had to hold the table steady before it toppled over, along with the chessboard and lively pieces. "I think Sirius might have neglected to notify you," he squeezed Frank's shoulder, "you're not a Substitute James."
"I…I'm not?"
"No, you're not. Because there's only one James Potter around here, and that's me," he patted his chest, "And I'm simply irreplaceable. Isn't that right, Wormtail?"
"Inimitable," Peter chimed in, reading the word off the page of his thesaurus on his lap. James noticed this, looking under the table.
"Wormtail, put that bloody thesaurus away!" James told him off. Jolting, Peter flung the book out of his lap in terror, where it travelled through the air and over to the other side of the common room, lucratively bopping a first year on the head and landing in his lap. The first year looked quite delighted on the gift sent from the heavens and began reading the thesaurus while Peter stared miserably from afar.
"I told you before: you're not Substitute Moony!" James wagged his finger at Peter, who sat with his head down and his hands in his lap. "I AM THE ONE AND ONLY JAMES POTTER. NO ONE IS REPLACING ANYBODY!" He plastered a fake grin on his face and recovered quickly from his spit-shouting. "Have a nice day, Frank," he told the Longbottom boy, gently nudging him on his way. Frank remained determined.
"B-b-b-but Sirius told me you'd left the Marauders for Lily Evans!"
James put his hand on his hip and glared in Peter's direction, who was looking very embarrassed for being involved in the whole Substitute Marauder scheme in the first place. "I never left," he informed Frank shrilly, "I am both with the Marauders and Lily. It's called multitasking, and I'm pretty damn good at it—"
"Prongs, you just lost the game," Peter cut in.
James peeped at the wizard chessboard. He had indeed failed.
"Frank!" James pointed the blame. "You distracted me!"
"But I thought you were good at multitasking!"
"I was lying to make myself look like a good friend!"
"Oh." Frank seemed quite surprised. "It wasn't that apparent."
James wasn't sure what wasn't apparent, that he was a good friend or his dishonesty in making himself look like a good ally. He was about to graciously apologize for not being clear enough, when he stopped himself. "Look Frank, whether you were a Substitute Me or not -which you weren't- I'm dismissing you. Now, on your way before I tell Alice what you've been up to," he mildly threatened, resorting to snitching.
"But you can't dismiss me! Sirius assigned me as Substitute You, so only he can dismiss me."
James found a headache forming. "Mate, I'm telling you now, as leader of the Marauders—"
Frank promptly snorted at the mention of 'leader'. "What makes you think that?"
"He has glasses. All leaders wear glasses. Dumbledore wears glasses," Peter answered monotonously for James before he flew into frenzy and started urinating everywhere to mark his territory.
"Thanks Pete," James expressed his gratitude. He turned his attention back on Frank who stood his ground resolutely. "You know what? Fine. We'll go see Sirius now and he'll dismiss you himself." He motioned to Frank -currently ruffling his hair in a confused James Potter fashion- to follow him towards the portrait hole.
"Wait James, are you sure that's wise?" Peter asked, bolting from his seat and trailing behind him. "Padfoot and Lily are spending quality time together," he reminded him.
"Yeah," James replied slowly, not seeing any problem with that. Suddenly, Peter latched onto his arm.
"Don't go back there," Peter warned him. "It'll be a bloodbath, James. She hit him with a marble paperweight in a cushion, James. Marble."
James reddened somewhat on account of his girlfriend's violent behaviour. "I told you before, Pete, she didn't know there was a marble paperweight in that cushion. Someone put it there—"
"Yeah, Evans did."
James glowered at Frank at that comment.
"Sorry, I'm still in James-Potter-character," he squeaked, protecting his face from any violent counter attacks.
"Wormtail, trust me." James reassured his friend, "Sirius and Lily are friends now."
"But how do you know?" Peter asked.
James smiled smugly, "Because I sent a fake letter by owl from Sirius' hag of a mother to Sirius earlier while Lily was present." He awaited appraisal, but only received gawks from Peter and Frank. "And because Lily's such a good person she probably took pity on him, and they hugged and all that jazz."
"You sent a fake I-am-your-mother-the-devilwoman-and-I-hate-you-my-blood-traitor-son letter to Sirius?" Peter repeated in horror. James didn't like his gaze on him.
"Don't look at me like that, Peter." He felt only slightly guilty. "Sometimes you have to interfere to make people get along…"
"You're going to Hades," Peter replied in a Remus Lupin approach. "And you can't have mangoes there because you'll be too hot and sweaty."
"…Exactly what sort of mangoes are you talking about, Peter?"
"The fruit."
"Right! Right, of course…harhar…"
Frank looked back and forth between the two Marauders, wearing a frown. "You two are very strange," he concluded.
--------------
"Hello?"
James, Frank and Peter stepped through the portrait hole of the Head Tower, oddly surrounded in darkness. No lights appeared to be on and James wondered if Sirius was going to jump out of the shadows and shout "peek-a-boo!" and successfully make James go to the toilet…in his trousers….again.
"Let's get some light in here, shall we?" James muttered a Lumos, spotted the fireplace and lit it up, then proceeded to ignite the candlesticks around the room. Once the common room was bright again, the boys spotted Sirius and Lily lying on the couch, sleeping at either end in an unattractive manner (few can carry off the sleep-dribble off the end of the chin, and Lily and Sirius were not fine examples).
"Aaaaw," James crossed his arms as he observed them with a smile.
"How…disturbing," Frank commented. He wasn't used to such bizarre images like James and Peter were.
"Look at my little babies," James continued to coo.
"Erm….Prongs?" Peter was nose-to-nose to Sirius as he kneeled by the couch, narrowing his eyes at his friend. "Your babies smell of Firewhiskey."
"What?" James laughed absurdly. "No they—" He paused, observing Lily's lolled back head on the chair arm rest. Suspiciously, he leant in and inhaled a mighty whiff. "Oh my giddy aunt they've been drinking."
With an almighty slap to the back of Sirius' head, James yelled in his ear, "PADFOOT!"
As expected, Sirius leapt up at such a roar, made his own unintelligible roar, and toppled backwards over the coach. Lily also snapped awake and instinctively held her hands over her ears, roaring too. Peter roared because he felt left out. Frank stared on, unsettled.
"Carpet in mouth," Sirius announced from the floor, finally discovering that roaring wasn't going to make the situation better, along with the rest in the room who found roaring a frivolous activity. James immediately stepped round the couch and picked Sirius up from the floor….from his hair.
"YOU GOT MY GIRLFRIEND DRUNK."
"The hair the hair the hair the hair," Sirius chanted, pleading with his puppy Padfoot eyes for James to let go. Eventually, James released him and Sirius straightened, brushing off his clothes to delay his death by James.
"YOU GOT MY GIRLFRIEND DRUNK," James repeated.
"Har har har," Sirius laughed, slapping his knees and clutching his stomach. "Harhar…har…no I didn't."
"Do these belong to me?"
The boys in the room looked in the direction of the voice to discover Lily, just about upright and standing, looking down at her chest, along with a forefinger on either breast.
"…Okay, so maybe just a teensy bit," Sirius admitted, breaking under James' deadly gaze.
"Seriously, are these mine?" Lily asked again, looking down at her breasts with a stare of horror. She then looked at the boys in turn - each one tinted red in the cheeks. Who had enough guts to tell Lily Evans, Head Girl, how you can determine your bosoms belong to you?
"Well…"
Apparently her drunken partner.
"Padfoot, don't answer her," James warned him.
Sirius cleared his throat in preparation for his theory.
"Or completely ignore me," James grumbled.
"Well, you know, normally you know what stuff is yours if it's got your name on it, right? Like, personalized stationary. So, if your name is on them, they must be yours, right?" Sirius looked around the room, the room that was suddenly swaying like he was on a pirate ship. Sirius liked that idea. "Savvy?"
James was about to recommend Sirius to dig his own grave, but luckily Lily had caught his attention. She appeared to be looking down her shirt.
"My name isn't on them," she informed. The boys gaped in return. "Wait, what's my name again?" She stretched her shirt further to look closer at her boobs, her top threatening to reveal more cleavage, but James quickly ran forward and stopped her.
"Oi, who are you?" Lily narrowed her eyes at him as he caught hold of her wrists.
"It's James," he tried to jog her memory, "Your boyfriend."
"Boyfriend?" Lily repeated. She withdrew back a little to observe him, then came forward again, nose-to-nose. "Wooooah, I must have baaaad taste in males when I'm sober—"
"Lily!"
She giggled and slapped his torso, "Just kidding, my sexy boyfriend." She gave a rather exuberant squeeze to his bottom and James grinned a little until he realized that was wrong oh so very wrong.
"Woah, Peter!" Sirius seemed to be having some sort of fit as he put his hands out in front of him, stumbling a little. "Back off a bit! Give me some air! You're suffocating me!"
"Sirius, I'm on the other side of the room," Peter pointed out.
Knotting his brow, he finally felt up what he thought was Peter. "Wait…that's a stool," he realized.
"I don't get it!" Lily whined, clutching her head as though not understanding whatever causing her distress was actually resulting in physical pain. "I mean, what is their purpose?" She looked down at her chest again as James tried to hold her in some sort of standing position. Lily turned to Frank, "Why don't you have any of these, miss?" She squeezed her boobs vividly in front of him.
Frank looked back and forth between Lily, currently molesting herself, and a cringing James, hoping this was some sort of elaborate charade. "I'm a boy," he said simply.
"Oh no no no no," Lily shook her head sluggishly at him. Before it was too late for James to stop Lily, she felt Frank's chest, cupping her hands. "Oh wait, you do have some, miss, my mistake." She slapped him heartily on the back before journeying to another side of the common room in slow-moving steps.
Frank stared at the wall, stunned, finding it too painful to look down at his chest to confirm whether Lily was right. "I'm going to go now," he told James, hurrying for the portrait hole.
"Sorry Frank!" James called after him, watching him exit. "She didn't mean it!"
"Arharharhar," Sirius seemed to be having a giddy time watching Lily frown at her own chest. "I cannot believe I ever disliked this girl!" He slung an arm around Lily's shoulder and grinned, while James stared at them in mild horror. "She's bloody brilliant!"
"I'm bloody brilliant!" Lily chimed in happily.
They tried to high-five each other but resulted in slapping each other's foreheads. "Ow," they mumbled in unison.
"As I was saying," Sirius continued, massaging his brow as he spoke. Neither James nor Peter could believe their eyes. "This girl," he pointed at Lily, "is the bee's-effing-knees. Look how much she loosens up after having a drink!"
"I'm loose!" Lily chimed in again. She demonstrated said looseness by shaking it all about (refraining from doing the hokey pokey and turning around - that's what it's all about, after all). "I can lick my elbow, see?" She pointed her elbow and stuck out her tongue as far as possible, making frustrated noises now and again when her tongue wouldn't reach the elbow destination. She pouted, "I'm sure I did it once…"
"Brilliant!" Sirius commented, clapping his hands in amusement. "I think she should be permanently drunk, don't you?"
"And be like you?" James snorted, "I don't think so, mate."
At that vicious comment, Sirius clutched at what he thought was his heart….wandering somewhere near his left thigh. "You wound me, Prongs."
"You ask for it, my inebriated friend," James replied. He managed to catch Lily before she toppled over, persisting to do the impossible: lick her elbow.
"It's simply not viable, my love," James broke the bad news to her.
"No no no no no no," Lily shook her head sluggishly again. She tried one last time to stick out her tongue and lick her elbow but it was just no use, and she settled for defeat. Taking her interest off her joint, she looked up at James and found he had quite pretty eyes. She didn't like his glasses. Glasses obscured the pretty eyes.
"Oi," James said, watching Lily pinch his glasses and put them on the bridge of her nose, on the wonk.
"I'm James Pooter!" she announced, spreading out her arms wide. James took a hold of her waist again as she threatened to slip to the floor in a heap. Sirius was already a heap on the floor, clearly exhausted after an argument with a stool that didn't seem to be verbalizing much in their conversation.
James told Lily, "No no, those are James'," seizing the glasses back and putting them back on.
"Sexy boyfriend's?" Lily enquired.
"Sexy boyfriend's," James confirmed, pushing his glasses further up his nose. He watched Lily hug his midriff and attempt to pull off his robe, which he, at present, was still wearing, but he wasn't sure for how much longer with Lily undressing him in public.
"Mrrrhmmmph," she mumbled incoherently.
"Sorry." James waggled a finger in his ear, "Didn't quite catch that, orange peel."
"Mrrrhmmmph," Lily repeated, now wrapping her arms around his neck. He loosened her hands a little, because they were endangering in cutting off his air supply, and watched tensely as she got on her tiptoes to whisper something in his ear. "You know what I'm in the mood for?"
Sweating, James squeaked, "OhdearMerlinpleasedon'ttellme."
Lily made a lazy smile, "Maaaangoes."
James' eyebrows couldn't help but do their own little pleased libido dance upon his forehead.
"Oh ho," James smirked. "Oh really—I MEAN, NO. THAT IS WRONG, MISS EVANS," he corrected himself, Head Boy instincts taking over. "What the—where the heck did my robes go?" he yelled, discovering them dumped on the floor. Lily really was freakishly speedy at removing attire.
"Just want to enlighten you that I'm going to tease you about your behaviour tomorrow, my love," James mentioned, unpeeling her fingers off his collar. With Lily still glued to him, he tried to reach down for his robe, but she'd attacked his shirt again, trying to unbutton it.
"No! No, no, no, no!" He wrestled her hand off his shirt and buttoned up his shirt again, while Peter stood a few feet away, wondering whether he should leave the room or not. "Bad Lily!" he said, using pet talk to control her. "I think I should get you to your dorm so the Sober Fairy will pay you a visit while you're sleeping."
"But I want mangoes," Lily whined, attacking his face with her mouth.
"Well," James considered his options as she started nibbling his bottom lip. "I MEAN, NO," he came to his senses, holding her cheeks in a vice grip so she looked like a puckered fish, "THIS IS VERY WRONG."
"But maaaangooooes!" Lily stomped her feet and rounded her eyes.
"Well, I suppose there's no harm in—"
"Prongs! Your trousers!" Peter cut in with the warning.
James looked down and discovered Lily trying to pull off his belt. "Oh Merlin, she's gone mental, Wormtail. Down Lily!" he ordered her, prizing her hands away from his trousers. "Wormtail, I think you're going to have to take her to her room. She wouldn't try and molest you."
Peter snorted, "I beg to differ, my—"
"Wormtail."
"Yeah, she wouldn't," Peter admitted at once.
James monitored where Lily was now and found her mimicking Sirius, forgetting about stripping him and now undertaking…carpet-licking?
"I don't want mangoes now," Lily informed, like losing interest in a toy. James was partly disappointed the carpet was now satisfying her needs. Lily showed her displeasure that the carpet did not taste nice with a simple, "Uuuurgh…"
"Come on, up we go," James said, gently grasping her by the elbow. She stumbled a little before completely collapsing in James' arms – obviously carpet-licking was a draining pastime. "Peter's going to take you to your room now—"
"Nooooo," Lily complained. Peter stared in James' direction, clearly offended, and James cringed in apology. "Nooo, don't leave me, sexy boyfriend."
"I won't leave you if you just…try not to assault me," James pleaded. Lily ignored him, continuing to babble.
"Don't leave me…" She drooled a little on James' shirt, and he sighed. "The Prince is gonna get me…don't let The Prince get me, sexy boyfriend…."
James and Peter exchanged a strange look.
"What is she talking about?" Peter whispered.
"I have no idea." James stared at Lily briefly. "You know drunken people—"
"I know drunken people!" Sirius informed from the floor, raising a hand in the air.
"You're part of the drunken people, Padfoot," James reminded him.
"Oh…right you are." Sirius returned back to carpet-licking.
"I don't like The Prince. The Prince won't leave me alone," Lily continued to prattle. James nodded along thoughtfully, pretending to know what she was on about. "You'll protect me from The Prince, won't you, sexy boyfriend?"
"Sure?" James answered, immediately taking it back the second he noted her delighted expression on her face.
"I knew you would." Lily smiled deviously, and informed the worst for James, "I'm quite in the mood for mangoes again…"
"I thought you were having private time with the carpet," James replied quite darkly, and yelped when Lily tried to unbutton his shirt again. "Mmm, that's quite nice—I MEAN, NO. Little help here!" he sought the aid of a Marauder. "Please!"
He was beginning to think 'stuff it all' and have a drunken Lily snogfest, or just get equally inebriated so neither would feel out of place and what they were doing would be considered acceptable – however, Peter had promptly appeared out of nowhere and struck Lily on the back of the head with a cushion. At once, her eyes rolled back and she fell sideways to the floor, James too unprepared (or gormless) to catch her before she hit the ground.
"Wow," James stared down at Lily, somehow still adorable in his eyes in unconscious form—in fact, especially in unconscious form when she wasn't so….talkative. "That did the trick, Wormtail. Didn't expect just a cushion to knock her out, though."
"Oh dear…"
Noticing worry in Peter's tone, James looked up to find Peter had brought out a marble paperweight from the same cushion he'd smacked Lily on the head with.
"Merlin's boobs," James cursed low under his breath. Wincing, he peeped at Lily and examined her for any external injuries. "I don't see any blood, but she's going to have one hell of a headache in the morning…"
"And a hangover," Peter thought it would be useful to bring up.
James' eyes widened. "The Lily Apocalypse begins tomorrow."
The sound of a tongue scraping against carpet attracted his attention from the other side of the common room. It would seem Sirius was still endeavoring in licking the floor.
"What the heck is he doing, Wormtail?" James asked Peter, lifting up a foot so Sirius could lick the floor underneath it.
"Being a mop," he answered simply.
"Padfoot," James clapped his hands to get Sirius' attention. "Padfoot! Padfoot stop being a mop!"
Almost instantaneously (probably on dog instinct), Sirius leapt from the floor, sat on the couch and crossed one leg neatly over the other.
"Wow," Peter said with a slow nod. "Who'd have thought that if you actually said 'stop being a mop', he'd stop being a mop?" He nodded slowly again. "Mop….Moppity mop mop."
"You like the word 'mop', don't you, Wormtail?" James presumed.
"I've recently discovered I do," Peter replied. Seeing his job (attempted murder on Lily) was done here, he decided to leave the Head Tower before the victim woke up and clouted him. James shook his head after him.
Presumably thinking it was his job to keep Sirius company now since Remus more than always did when he was in this condition (curse the werewolf for abandoning him at such a time), James dumped himself next to Sirius on the couch and slung his arm around his shoulder supportively. "You alright, mate?"
"Mhhmm," Sirius replied, currently unzipping a cushion. To James' amazement, a Firewhiskey bottle lay inside. To Sirius' disappointment, but not James' surprise, it was empty.
"For once, I'd like a cushion to have, you know, a cushion substance inside, and not contain a marble paperweight or alcohol of some kind," James pondered aloud. Any other thoughts on the subjects of cushions were not added because Sirius -who James guessed was sulking due to the lack of alcohol inside his mighty cushion of intoxication- was making very strange noises.
"Moo…"
James stared at Sirius blankly. "What?"
"Moo…" It appeared as though Sirius was trying to say a word and was either too lazy or tired to complete it. He took another stab, "Moo…"
"Moo?" James repeated, clearly unimpressed. "Moo-what? What, are you speaking Cow language now? What's wrong with you?"
Sirius heaved a sigh, "Moony…"
"Ooooh," James chuckled, "Moony. That would make sense…why have we never made cow jokes to Remus about his nickname?"
"Moony's an arseface," Sirius continued, ignoring James and his inane question. "Arseface," he tried to think of something that would rhyme and predictably failed, "Shmarcekace."
"Arseface shmarcekace. Wonderfully put, my friend." James rolled his eyes and detracted his arm off Sirius before he caught the Terrible Rhyming Disease. "So, why did you choose to get drunk with Lily?"
"Look here, mate," Sirius started, and James stopped himself from looking both left and right as though he were crossing some sort of metaphorical road of lunacy. "I don't normally socialize with girls, alright? I like my blokes…not in a gay way. The only time I even converse with the opposite sex is on dates, so this whole getting-to-know-the-best-mate's-girlfriend thing I find very bizarre—"
"I find you very bizarre—"
"Thanks for that. But anyway, Lily and I were just celebrating our newfound friendship. Cheers buccaneers and all that." He made an imaginary toast in the air. James scrutinized him.
"Are you sure you were celebrating and not just using your newfound companionship with Miss Horny Drunk here as an excuse to get rat-arsed and drown your dog breath sorrows?"
"You know me too well, Prongs."
"Over six years, Padfoot. Enough said." James tried to look disapproving in Sirius' direction but he was a softie for drunken people. "Get some sleep, Padfoot. It's going to be a good day tomorrow. Hogsmeade trip, remember?"
Sirius frowned, "Hogawhat?"
"Hogsmeade," James repeated. "You know, that place with the two pubs?"
"Oh," Sirius nodded in understanding, "Hoogamed."
"Hooga—never mind," James gave up.
"Boys day out, yeah?"
James was getting slightly irritated by his incoherency. "What are you talking about, Padfoot?"
"Boys day out in Hoggasmed." James was amazed at how Sirius managed to concoct a different version of Hogsmeade every single time. "We haven't had a boys day out to Hogmeedy in yonks, mate! Just us guys, you know? Zonko's and having fun. Just me, you and that stool," he pointed.
"You want to bring a stool to Hogmeedy—I mean, Hogsmeade," James corrected himself, laughing slightly at how easily influenced he was.
"Did I say stool? I meant Peter."
James shook his head in amusement, "Whatever you want, Padfoot. Just get some sleep." He slapped Sirius warmly on the back; he collapsed with his head onto the couch arm rest and began snoring.
Yawning, James was about to make his way to his dorm for bed, when he remembered Lily was still unconscious on the floor – sadly remembering it too late as he tripped over one of her strewn arms with a "What the bugger!"
Deciding it was best that Lily slept on a comfortable surface to avoid any complaints of a bad back to join her inevitable headache grievance in the morning; James picked her up into her his arms and stumbled his way into her dormitory. He settled her down onto her bed, covered her with her bedspread, and caved in next to her, sinking into slumber before any disappointment of turning down Lily's mangoes offer crammed his brain.
-----------------
James woke the next morning to yelling….of the bad kind. And as much as he was used to awaking to bellowing of some variety (being a Marauder and all), he couldn't ignore it because whatever was yelling was repeatedly blowing him in the stomach with a fist and sharp nails and James didn't have his glasses on and oh dear Merlin, the Lily Evans Apocalypse had begun.
"What-what's going on?" James asked in panic, pushing on his glasses. He discovered Lily sitting up in bed with him, equally matching bed-hair, wearing a confused frown as she clutched her head.
"I don't want to sound redundant, but why do I have a hangover?" she asked bluntly to the point.
James laughed tensely, "Well, er, surely you know what causes a hangover….right?" He ducked another incoming blow from Lily. "Sirius got you drunk!" he blurted out before she became more violent, though how he reckoned mentioning one of his friends had got her inebriated would calm her down was quite idiotic.
Her answer came as expected. "I'll kill him, I'll kill him, I'll kill him!" she yelled, pounding her pillow with her fist each time.
"You can't!"
Lily paused in her rage, glaring daggers at James. She didn't particularly like being told what she couldn't do. "And why can't I?"
"Because you're friends now! You and Sirius!"
Slow devastation came across Lily's face. "We…we are?" she gulped.
"Yes! You hugged! The moment was apparently very touching!"
Lily breathed angrily through her nostrils. "Can we…not be friends for just a teensy second?" she asked, hoping to use the 'teensy' second she described to kick Sirius Black's behind. James broke the news gently to her with a small shake of the head.
"Ugh." Lily plunked head-first into her bedspread. "I don't understand this. My head hurts too much for it to be a hangover. It feels like…" She massaged her head in front of James and he swallowed. "It feels like someone just hit me with a large boulder, you know?"
"Harharhar….har…." James loosened his collar nervously. "I'm sure you're just imagining things, Lily."
At that moment, the dormitory door burst open and Peter tumbled in, covering both his eyes with his hands. The couple felt a mild sense of déjà vu.
"I'm covering my eyes in case either of you—"
"We're not unclothed, Peter," James and Lily chorused.
"Right," Peter uncovered his eyes and got straight to the point, turning to Lily. "I am so sorry I hit you with a marble paperweight."
"You did what?"
James had been waving his arms energetically in the air to signal for Peter to stop, but it had been no use. "Peter's always been your friend, you know," he thought it would be useful to mention before she promptly killed him on the spot. "Remember, you like going to the Great Lake and feeding the Giant Squid mouldy bread together!"
Sadly, James had a point. Lily grumbled. Curse her fancy for feeding living things in lakes. Feeding ducks in the ponds back home where she lived was just not the same, though attempting to hurl her sister Petunia in the water was mighty fun.
-----------------
"BOYS DAY OUT!" Sirius yelled to no one in particular.
Despite last night's antics, he was feeling impressively alert this morning. But for someone who recovers quickly from stabbing his own hand, his speedy recuperation wasn't surprising.
Sirius was currently in his dormitory, combing his hair and getting ready for the—
"BOYS DAY OUT!"
"Sirius, can you stop shouting that?"
He paused from tidying his hair in the mirror and looked over his shoulder, spotting Remus' head popping out from under his bedspread, a tired stare across his features.
"Sorry Moony," Sirius cringed. He tried to think of an amusing remark but found talking to Remus rather…awkward, these days.
"What are you doing still in bed? You'll be late for the Hogsmeade trip," Sirius said, returning his attention briefly back onto his hair.
"So that explains 'BOYS DAY OUT'," Remus said.
"Yeah, just me, Prongs, and the stool."
"The stool?"
"I meant Peter."
"Of course."
Sirius was sure he was looking at his hair in the reflection in the mirror, but found his eyes wandering to Remus over his shoulder.
"Actually, Padfoot, I wanted to talk to you—"
"Me first!" Sirius jumped the gun, dumping himself on the edge of Remus' bed. Remus resisted the instinctive order of 'no dogs on the bed!' and was nearly flung in the air as Sirius had parked himself in a large leap.
"Sirius, I really think I should be adamant in going first—"
"Moony," Sirius cut him off, and Remus sighed. "I want you to have a good time with Georgina today."
Remus flinched at her name. He was still harbouring faintly thwarted feelings about her deciding to end their companionship because he was too boring and studious.
"Just…forget about me and have a good time," Sirius carried on. "I never liked her much anyway…" Remus had the distinct feeling he was lying because his pupils were darting uncomfortably. "Of all people, you deserve to have a good time, papoose."
Sirius patted him on the shoulder, and all Remus could do was nod and smile in return. Somehow, he didn't think he had the heart to tell Sirius Georgina had recently shunned him. It seemed like the Marauder way to just keep quiet about such vital information.
"So, what did you want to talk to me about?" Sirius asked curiously.
"Just that I…hope you have a good time too," Remus replied. He got out of bed and began to search for his clothes, in which Sirius figured it was time to go, leaving Remus to get ready to meet a girl who wasn't going to be there.
----------------
"Prongs, what the hell!"
Sirius was not a happy puppy.
After a quick spot of breakfast, the three Marauders had made it to Hogsmeade unharmed (previous journeys to Hogsmeade included at least one of the boys getting deliberately pushed by another into the Great Lake, because males found it apparently humorous to get their friends sopping wet). Sirius, however, had noticed something out of place.
"What's got your knickers in a twist now?" James asked Sirius in aggravation, outside Zonko's. Peter watched between the two, feeling rather uncomfortable, as familiar when James and Sirius got in one of their spats.
"What's got my knickers in a twist is what's hiding behind your back, Prongs."
"Nothing is hiding behind my back."
In one swift motion, Sirius reached out and grabbed whatever was hiding behind James.
It was a Lily.
"Hello," she gingerly smiled.
Sirius stared back and forth between James and Lily, as if contemplating who to hit first, and of course it would be James because hitting girls was wrong….not that it had stopped him before.
"Can I talk to you for a sec?" Sirius seized James' arm and steered him a little away, leaving Lily to stand awkwardly with Peter. "Prongs, let me explain the concept of a Boys Day Out to you. You see, there's a clue in the name. BOYS. BOYS, BOYS, BOYS—"
"I get your point, Padfoot."
Sirius stared at him. "I don't think you do, James." He pointed at Lily from afar who stared back vaguely. "Tell me what that is, Prongs."
James thought about his answer for a second. "That's….Lily."
"Well done papoose, five points to Gryffindor. Now, answer me this: does she look like a boy to you?"
James paused again before replying, "Is this a trick question?"
"No, it's not."
James stroked his chin. "Well, she's not a boy because technically that would mean I'm dating a boy—"
"You stupid git!" Sirius slapped him upside the head. "Do you know what you've gone and done? You've brought a girl to a Boys Day Out, you stupid bugger! What possessed you?"
James looked heavily embarrassed. "Well, erm, I like her company—"
"If I wanted to watch you two snog all day I'd do it back at the castle!"
"Erm, I hate to interrupt." Lily suddenly appeared beside them with Peter in tow, "But I can be a boy for a day." She took on a gruff voice and parted her legs a little, "Hello, I'm a male. My interests are not discussing my feelings, being sexist, scratching my crotch and making penis jokes."
"That was the best impression of Sirius I have ever seen," James commented.
"I know," Lily grinned. James felt the need to congratulate her further on her impression of Sirius by snogging her face off, but was interrupted by Sirius' screams of "Ugh, uuuuugh!"
"Just because we're sort of friends now Lily, does not mean I now tolerate you eating my friend's face as much as watching Dumbledore give one of his welcome-back-to-Hogwarts foreshadowing speeches," Sirius made clear. "I'm sorry Lily, I really am, but you can't join us today. It's not because I don't like you, it's because you have breasts."
Lily blinked, "It's my breasts' fault?"
"Yes. It's all their fault."
"Just because you think it's their fault it doesn't mean you can glare at them, Sirius."
"Sorry." He looked up.
Lily kissed James momentarily before making her way to leave. "Well, I'll be going now…"
"Noooooooo," James complained, tugging her back by the hand.
"It's a Boys Day Out, James."
"I'd rather spend time with you," he said, snaking his arms around her waist.
"I'M RIGHT HERE, PRONGSIE," Sirius yelled plainly.
"I'm gonna go find my friend Nicole. I haven't talked to her in ages," Lily said, feeling slightly guilty for that. Spending time with James had taken up a lot of her time. "I'll probably see you back at the castle, yeah?"
"Yeah," James pouted and kissed her goodbye. "You sure you'll be okay?"
"I'll be fine." Lily smiled and waved, before making her way further into the village. Sirius seemed quite delighted she was gone for someone who was until recently considered a mere acquaintance.
"Finally she left," Sirius rolled his eyes. James glared in his direction. "You can make it up to her by having mangoes later, or something," he said brusquely.
"You're an arse, Padfoot."
"What the hell have I done now?" Sirius asked touchily. "Am I the only one here that cares that our Marauder clang is going downhill? I just want us to spend time with each other while we can."
James softened a little at his words. "You do mean well Padfoot, I'll give you that. You're just such a twat about it that everyone takes it the wrong way except me, since I've seemed to have decoded your way of thinking."
"I know." Sirius grinned, "Isn't it great?"
"Let's just go to Zonko's," James said, rolling his eyes.
---------------
Zonko's Joke Shop was closed.
Sirius was near tears.
"I heard the owner ran off because You-Know-Who was after him," Peter said, pressing his face against the shop window. There was already a large group huddled outside the closed shop, seemingly mourning the death of it. Sirius seemed to have the worst reaction, on his knees and staring at the shop in desolation.
"Voldy-poo?" James said. Peter shrugged. "What the heck does Voldy-poo want with the Zonko's owner? Is he planning to equip Death Eaters with whoopee cushions or something?"
"I'd rather sit on a whoopee cushion than have a Crucio," Peter commented.
"Wouldn't we all, Wormtail." James turned his focus back onto Sirius, pulling him up to his feet. "You alright, mate?"
"I feel like I've been denied access to one of those Muggle bouncy castles," Sirius murmured sadly.
"Don't worry," James patted him on the back, "we'll get flowers and put them outside the shop later if you want."
Sirius sniffed, "That would be lovely."
"Anyway, we've always got Honeydukes," Peter said, keeping positive.
---------------
Honeydukes Sweetshop was also closed.
James gawked, running a hand through his hair in distress. "You've got to be kidding me."
"I heard the owners ran off because You-Know-Who was after them," Peter said again, pressing his face against a shop window once more.
"Voldy-poo?" James said, feeling a sense of déjà vu. "What would Voldy-poo want with the Honeydukes owners? Is he planning to equip Death Eaters with fudge flies?"
"I'd rather eat a fudge fly than suffer an Imperius curse."
"Wouldn't we all, Wor—have we had this conversation before, or something? It sounds awfully familiar."
"Merlin damn Voldy-poo," Sirius slammed his fists on the Honeydukes shop door, while other sweet lovers of round proportions wept behind him. "I WANTED ICE MICE."
"Oh Merlin," Peter murmured, "I just remembered….I'm out of exploding bon-bons."
Peter and Sirius stared at one another before sobbing in each others arms.
"Come on guys," James tried to keep their spirits up, "We don't need sweets and pranks to have….fun…oh, that's all the Marauders are about; sweets and pranks. It's rather disturbing that we have no depth." He frowned. "But anyway, there are other shops!"
----------------
"Bloody hell, was Hogsmeade ever this boring?" James asked some time later.
After the devastation of Zonko's and Honeydukes being closed, James had remained optimistic that there would be other shops to attract their attention…until they realized they only ever came to Hogsmeade for Zonko's and Honeydukes. Plus, the only other shops that were open were for school supplies, posting, and getting strange socks from Gladrags Wizardwear.
"This place is like a ghost town," Peter commented on the village. The atmosphere wasn't so upbeat, shops had been abandoned, and hardly any wizards or witches were shopping at all or staying out in the open to chat. "The only places that are left are the pubs."
"Oh great," Sirius remarked sarcastically, "now I'm going to have to get drunk."
"Padfoot, you don't have to get drunk. You just got drunk last night, for goodness' sake."
"Yeah, but if the pubs are open, it's like an open invitation for me to get smashed, isn't it?" Sirius sighed. "Well, why don't we try The Three Broomsticks for a change? Haven't been there in a while. It'd be nice to go somewhere clean."
---------------
Lily hadn't found Nicole. But, to be perfectly honest, she hadn't really looked for her. While listening to James and Sirius squabble earlier, she'd spotted something out of the corner of her eye: Derrick, alone, making his way through the village. Doing the worst thing imaginable, she decided to follow him in secret.
He had to leave some sort of clue that he was either the Half Blood Prince, or at least that he knew who the Prince was. Following him was the only way, since it seemed unlikely he would ever tell her the truth.
Pursuing him most of the afternoon, nearly getting caught by him a number of times; she had found nothing suspicious about his activity. All he'd done was walk around the village normally, look through a few shop windows, then sit in a bench of the village, alone and silent. Lily was almost angered by this.
Poking her head out of an alley, she spotted Derrick get up from the bench and make his way to Dervish and Banges. She was about to inconspicuously trail him when something tugged her arm in the darkness of the alley, and she gasped in shock.
"Nicole!" Lily swallowed, trying to get her regular heartbeat back. "You scared me!"
Nicole tugged her quite ruthlessly out of the alley and into the main street of Hogsmeade. "What are you doing, Lily? Have you completely lost it?"
Lily remained oblivious for now. "What are you talking about?"
Nicole lowered her voice to a whisper, wiping her clouded glasses from the cold air. "I've been watching you follow Derrick most of the afternoon, Lily." The redhead blanched. "Tell me what's going on."
Lily had to think of an excuse fast. "I'm Head Girl, Nic. Derrick looked suspicious and it's my duty to find out what it is, right?"
"We're not in the castle," Nicole pointed out tiredly. She looked keen to interrogate Lily more, but Lily was having none of it, keeping her mouth shut. "Look, why don't we get a drink in The Hog's Head? I've never been in there before. I've heard it's dirty there."
-----------------
Small talk was all Lily could think of with Nicole. She knew it was probably her own fault she and Nicole weren't that close lately. Having a boyfriend had distracted her, along with the business with the Half Blood Prince.
"Look who it is," Nicole announced resentfully as the person she was thinking about entered the Hog's Head. Her eyes landed on Derrick and she became more alert, watching the boy cross the inn and sit by the bar, ordering a drink. Nicole didn't like that particular gaze Lily had on him.
"I'm worried about you, Lily," Nicole told her in concern.
Lily stared at her empty mug of Butterbeer, bitterness washing over her. Nicole was another person that was concerned about her, another person thinking she was incapable of taking care of herself.
Nicole sighed and got up from her seat. "I'm going to the toilet," she mentioned. Lily nodded curtly in response.
As Lily stared miserably at the dirty table, she couldn't help but feel she should have stayed with James earlier. At least he would have distracted her.
"Get out of here!"
Lily looked up from the table and spotted the rather hairy owner of the inn sending a punter on his way out. She noticed a flash of blonde hair and realized it was Derrick, assuming he had a spat with the owner and had been kicked out after only being in there for five minutes. This was the perfect opportunity to follow Derrick, but Nicole…
Lily looked in the direction of the bathroom. She couldn't just ditch her friend so rudely…
Yet somehow Lily found herself leaping up from her seat and exiting the Hog's Head anyway, irrational thoughts taking over. She came out into the street and wrapped her coat tighter around her, the cold wind making her shiver. She didn't know how long she'd been in the Hog's Head for, but the village was surrounded in a sort of forbidding darkness, the village lamps flickering uncertainly.
She heard the rustle of feet and treaded in the direction she thought Derrick had gone. She could see a shadow of a figure up ahead and used that to guide her, taking careful, quiet steps. Abruptly the figure turned right down an alley up ahead, and Lily hurried her steps to catch up with him. When she finally reached the alley, all she could see was a long hallway of black.
"Lumos," she whispered, getting out her wand. She journeyed further into the alley, sticking out her wand further, but all she could see was a dead end full of bins and a cat meowing.
Then unexpectedly something gripped her neck and she was slammed into a wall, painfully reminded of the nightmare she had involving the Half Blood Prince, except this time it was real, and it hurt more.
----------------
"Well…this is fun."
Sarcasm was extremely evident.
James, Sirius and Peter sat round a circular table, staring at one another to a background of chatter in The Three Broomsticks. Granted, it was cleaner, yet Sirius found this factor slightly aggravating to him.
"Is it just me, or is it more fun drinking with a certain Spoony Moony nagging that it's morally wrong?" Sirius asked.
"It's not just you," James replied, clouding up his empty mug of Butterbeer by blowing occasionally into it. He blamed his dejected mood on two main things; Sirius for taking his snog partner Lily away, and not having any sweets due to a certain shop being closed.
"Do you want another?" James asked Sirius, getting up from his seat and taking Peter's glass to refill.
"Nope." Sirius tipped his glass upside down and pushed it away from him.
"Why not? Are you ill?" James teased. When Sirius didn't respond, he shrugged and made his way over to Madam Rosmerta to get more drinks. James figured Sirius' surliness was due to James' protesting that a certain bar lady was eying up a certain stag rather than a 'mucky dog'.
When James came back with the drinks, he discovered only Peter in his seat, resting his head miserably on the table.
"Where's Padfoot?" James asked him.
"Went for walkies," he mumbled.
"Who's he avoiding?" James asked to the point. Peter pointed to the other side of the room where a certain girl had arrived at the pub: Georgina, alone.
"I'll be right back," James told Peter. He made his way through the maze of tables and took the opposite seat to Georgina, who choked a little on her drink in surprise of his arrival.
"Hey Hot Georgina," he greeted her familiarly. Remembering who he was and the particular company he kept, Georgina's eyes darted round the room, searching for the other Marauders. "Where's Remus?" James asked.
She tucked her hair behind her ears by habit when she answered, "How the hell should I know." James frowned at her.
"Well, normally you should know where your date is."
"I broke it off," Georgina finally let slip. James furrowed his brow, sitting up straighter in his seat. The friendly atmosphere in the air was gone. "And it wasn't a date! I'd….I'd never date someone like him."
"But why did you—" James stopped and really looked at her. She was determined to not break under his gaze and stared firmly back at him. It quickly struck him. "You….you know, don't you?"
She merely nodded, returning to her drink.
James felt violently sick.
The Marauders were in trouble.
Just as James was about to interrogate her further, a series of screams filled the air. He spun round and found The Three Broomsticks in commotion, people running for the exit of the pub and pressing their faces against the windows, fighting for a stretch of window pane to look outside. He was about to ask Georgina what was going on, but he didn't feel like even looking at her right now, sending a snarl her way before quickly returning to Peter at his table.
"What's going on, Wormtail?"
"I don't know," Peter replied confusedly, speaking louder over the turmoil of distressed noises around the room. The screaming was still continuing outside and the pub was nearly empty as everyone fought to escape, even Madam Rosmerta gone.
"Come on!" James motioned for Peter to follow and they ran out of The Three Broomsticks. They found the streets of Hogsmeade busy with chaos, the air filled with shrieking, distraught witches and wizards running for their lives. By instinct, James got out his wand for protection, wondering what on earth was going on.
"Oh Merlin," Peter mumbled.
James was about to make his way left when he realized Peter hadn't followed him. "Come on, Wormtail! We've got to get away from here!"
He let out a groan of anger when Peter didn't move an inch, merely looking up at the sky with a haunted look on his face.
"WORMTAIL, MOVE!" James grabbed his arm, but Peter wrestled out of his grip, stumbling back a little in horror.
Frustrated, James finally followed Peter's stare upwards and had to shield his eyes from the glow with his hand. When he realized what painted the sky, his hand dropped and his expression turned empty.
"The Dark Mark."