Chapter One: Vulnerable
"Jude."
I stirred. I didn't want to wake up knowing Jamie wasn't gonna be there when I woke up, or when I went to work. He died three days ago, and I could barely leave my bed. Tommy slept next to me, bought me several tubs of ice cream, and he rented movies. All the gestures made me smile softly at him. He was being cautious around me, almost walking on egg shells – I knew it.
"Babe, wake up."
That was another thing. Tommy developed pet names, like I was his girlfriend. "Baby," "honey," "babe." I liked them and he called me them throughout our three day relationship.
Right now, I didn't want to wake up. I knew that if I woke up I'd do it to make funeral arrangements for Jamie.
I wasn't ready to do that.
Jamie was 19 years old – he wasn't planning to die. I had no idea what he'd want.
"Jude…"
I felt lips – soft, full, pouty lips – on my neck. Fingers ran through my hair, down my back, settling on my hip.
"I can't," I whispered. "I'm not ready."
"Hon, no body's ready to plan a funeral."
"Tommy," I sobbed, "I'm not ready." I felt his fingers entwine with mine. He pulled me closer and kissed the top of my head. "This is all my fault."
"Not it's not, Jude. This isn't your fault."
I shot up, turning to him. Tommy looked scared, holding his hands up in a surrender fashion. "Not my fault!? How the hell can you say that!?"
"Jude, it wasn't – "
"Yes it was. It was my fault! I had to go and kiss you – "
"No, Jude. I kissed you."
"I kiss back because I…"
I swallowed my feelings, "because I was caught up in the moment. I shouldn't have kissed you back. We shouldn't be together right now!" I got up off his really, really comfy bed and grabbed my jeans.
"Aw, baby, c'mon don't – "
"Don't call me that!" I shouted louder than I ever intended. He quieted down and bit his lip. "Look I just lost my boyfriend and I'm really sad right now. I can't jump into a relationship with you."
"He said it was what he wanted!" he yelled, getting off the bed.
"He was lying in the street, Tommy! He was dying!"
"I know!!" He screamed. "I know," he repeated in a lower voice. "But we can't stay on it forever Jude. Isn't it oblivious by now? We're meant to be, Jude."
"Oh really?" I asked. "Go tell Angie that." I grabbed my bag and turned my back on him.
"How can you be so cold?" he asked and I stopped short. "You lost someone you love, I get that, I know how that feels. But I would never use Jamie's death against you." I heard him sniffle and my knees got weak. "I love you, Jude. And all I want is to be with you."
I turned around and dropped my things. I ran into his arms and felt his arms wrap tightly around my waist.
--
I ended my phone conversation with the funeral home and sighed, fall back against the couch. I was sitting on the floor. Tommy was sitting next to me, writing in a journal.
"Everything's…set," I sighed. Tommy looked at me and put the book down.
"I'm very proud of you," he said sincerely. I gave him a weak, sad smile.
"Thank you."
He wrapped his arms around me and kissed the top of my head. I snuggled against him, feeling so safe it made me cry. "Hey," he whispered as he wiped a tear away from under my eye. I sniffled. "Don't cry, girl."
"I can't help it," I chuckled sadly.
Tommy smiled and pulled back a little. "I wrote a song."
"Really?" I smiled. "Let me hear it."
"Are you sure? I don't want you to cry more."
"I promise I'll try as hard as I can."
He smirked. "OK. He picked up the guitar on his other side and did a quick tuning. He began to strum a beautiful song.
"Share with me the blankets that your wrapped in
Because its cold outside cold outside its cold out side
Share with me the secrets that you kept in
Because its cold inside cold inside its cold inside
And your slowly shaking finger tips
Show that your scared like me so
Let pretend were alone
And I know you may be scared
And I know were unprepared
But I don't care
Tell me tell me
What makes you think that you are invincible
I can see it in your eyes that your so sure
Please don't tell me that I am the only one that's vulnerable
Impossible
I was born to tell you I love you
Its that a song already
I get a B in originality
And its true I cant go on without you
Your smile makes me see clear
If you could only see in the mirror what I see
And your slowly shaking finger tips
Show that your scared like me so
Let pretend were alone
And I know you may be scared
And I know were unprepared
But I don't care
Tell me tell me
What makes you think that you are invincible
I can see it in your eyes that your so sure
Please don't tell me that I am the only one that's vulnerable
Impossible
Slow down girl your not going anywhere
Just wait around and see
Maybe I am much more you never no what lies ahead
I promise I can be anyone I can be anything
Just because you were hurt doesn't mean you shouldn't bleed
I can be anyone anything I promise I can be what you need
Tell me tell me
What makes you think that you are invincible
I can see it in your eyes that your so sure
Please don't tell me that I am the only one that's vulnerable
Impossible…"
Tommy ended with a soft strum. I let out a sigh I didn't know I'd been holding.
"So," he said, moving the guitar back to his side. "What'd you think?"
I tilted my head to the side and leaned in, kissing his lips softly and a lot shorter than I'd like to. When I pulled back I saw his eyes still closed and his lips still puckered, waiting to be kissed again. I giggled softly and kissed him again. This time, it was more passionate. Tommy's hand slid up my back to my head, where he entangled his fingers in my hair.
I pulled back from him and brought my hands to his face. His eyes shone bright in the pink and orange-light-filled room. The sun had been setting.
Huskily, Tommy whispered, "I love you girl."
I licked my lips and smiled, "I know."