Chapter Two: Slipped Away

Two days after I kissed Tommy, I was sitting in a funeral home, watching around me as everyone mourned Jamie Andrews. Most of G Major was here, along with someone of Jamie's friends from high school. I bit my lip and felt Tommy's arm wrap around my shoulders. I couldn't wait till this damn day was over and I was back with Tommy at his apartment. Last night after we kissed again, we agreed to take things very slow.

I turned to my kinda/sorta/almost boyfriend. He kissed my forehead and pulled me closer. I let out a shaky breath and felt tears in my eyes. "It's alright to cry," Tommy whispered.

Was it really?

--

The next day, we buried Jamie Andrews. I wore an expressionless face. Sadie, Kwest, Darius, and Mason stood on my left, while just Tommy and Jamie's nana stood on my right. Tommy was holding my hand.

"Please pay your last respects at this time," the minister said. Jamie's nana walked forward and placed a white rose on Jamie's coffin. Tommy did the same, as did I. We all went in a line, ending with Mason.

How was I gonna do this? Go on without Jamie? I glanced at Tommy and saw him turn his head to me. All I could do was hope that Tommy would keep his promise to Jamie.

--

A week after Jamie was buried, I walked into Tommy's apartment.

"Tommy?" I called out.

"In the bedroom!"

I took off my jacket and put it down with my bag on the couch. I walked down the hall and went into Tommy's room. He was watching something intently on the TV.

"It's not porn, right?" I joked.

"No," he said. "It's about you."

My head turned to the screen and saw it was that documentary thing I did a year back.

"Why did you hurt me?" I saw my 18 year old self ask Tommy. "Even after you swore you wouldn't anymore?"

I sighed and grabbed the remote. "Wait Jude, don't – " I clicked off and turned to him.

"Why bother?" I asked.

He shrugged, "I never really saw it." I nodded and walked closer to the bed. Tommy moved to the foot of the bed, where he sat with his legs over the edge, on the floor. I reached up and ran my fingers through his hair. He closed his eyes and rested his forehead on my stomach. I licked my lips and cupped his face in my hands. He looked up at me. His hand slid up the back of my thigh and stopped right under my butt. We held a staring contest, which he won since he surprised me and pulled me down on top of him. We began to kiss.

He grabbed my ass, causing me to gasp and he pushed his tongue into my mouth. I wrapped my arms around his neck, one of my hands at the back of his head, my fingers entangled in his hair. We continuously rolled around on the bed. I felt his hands at the hem of my shirt. I let him pull it up and over my head before we kissed again. He pulled away from my mouth and I looked at his button down shirt before ripping it open, the buttons popping in different directions. I slid my hands up his bare chest, to his shoulders, sliding the material off his shoulders.

Tommy took his shirt off and threw to the side of us. I shivered and he stopped kissing me. "You OK?" he whispered. I nodded.

"Just nervous."

Tommy began to kiss my neck while whispering, "Don't be nervous; you're with me."

"That's what scares me most." Tommy's lips trailed up my jaw, to my lips, which he kissed. Jamie died not even two weeks ago, and here I was about to have sex with Tommy. I shook my head, "No." I pushed him off me and got off the bed, "I can't."

"Jude…"

"No! I just lost my boyfriend and here I am spreading my legs for you."

"Jude, babe, c'mon; It's not like that." He walked over to me and wrapped me in his arms. I let him hold me and wrapped my arms around his neck. I began to cry.

"You don't know how I feel," I sobbed.

"Jude, yes I do," he said as he pulled back. His hands held my face. "But you can't blame yourself Jude. You'll never forgive yourself."

"I…" I tried to pull out of his embrace, but his eyes held me to him.

"It'll be OK."

I shook my head, "No… It won't. Because Jamie's not here anymore."

"Jude!" He pulled away form me. "C'mon. Don't act like you loved him."

"I did!" I screamed at him. "I did… But not nearly as much as I should have."

"Why won't you just say it? I tell you I love you everyday."

"I know," I said, looking down at my feet. "It wouldn't be fair to Jamie for me to jump into your arms two weeks after he died!" Tommy opened his mouth to say something, but I cut him off, "No, don't. I shouldn't be here right now." I grabbed my shirt and pulled it over my head. I left the bedroom and was on my way to the door when Tommy grabbed my arm. He spun me around and pushed me against the wall. His arms boxed me in, one of his hands on each side of my head.

"Tell me you don't love me."

"Tommy, stop!" I said through gritted teeth.

"Just tell me and I'll let you go."

"I…"

Stop. Now. Don't lie to him, Jude, I told my self. Tell him you love him!

"You can't do it can you?" he whispered. I reached up and tucked a piece of hair behind my ear. Something I always did when I was nervous. "Just let me love you girl."

"Not right now. Tommy if you love me at all, you'll understand that." Tommy sighed and dropped his forehead to mine.

"I do love you, and I understand."

"Thank you," I whispered. I kissed his lips softly and he dropped his arms, letting me walk away.