Sorry for the delay, I've been busy with other things...
Agent HUNK had been having a really bad day. As he staggered back into his office and sat down on the sofa, all he could do was fall asleep. The moment he closed his eyes, however, he was awoken by a familiar voice.
"Had a bad day?" Alucard's voice crooned.
Agent HUNK's eyes shot open, but he was too weak to run. "Oh great... What do you want?"
"I just want to have some fun. Get some entertainment. Enjoy my afterlife," Alucard plopped down on H's chair behind the desk, causing it to spin around in it a few times. "Tell me about your bad day. What happened?"
"How'd you know I had a bad day?" H asked weakly.
"Um... well, for one thing I can read minds," Alucard tapped the side of his head. "And also, you're a mess. You're missing the right side of your gas mask, there are bullets stuck in your vest, your left sleeve is gone, and there is a bayonet sticking out of your right leg!"
Agent HUNK looked down at his leg. "Dang," he growled, "I thought I dodged 'em all..."
"So what happened?" Alucard repeated his question.
"Chaos..." H sighed. "It all started when Pip stole my wallet..."
---FLASHBACK---
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!!" A familiar French-accented scream caused Seras to run to her bedroom door. Throwing it open, she stuck her head out into the hallway.
"Pip?!" she gasped as her beloved and formerly-dead comrade came running straight at her. "You're alive?!"
"Oui oui!" Pip yelled as he ran past her. "Sorry, can't talk right now!"
"Why?!" Seras yelled after him.
"GIMME BACK MY WALLET!!!" Agent HUNK ran past her swinging a crowbar wildly over his head.
"WAIT FOR ME!!!" Narbe ran past her as well, his arms laden with two STG-44s. "I GOT ZE GUN FOR YOU!!!"
"What the?!" Seras rubbed her eyes, unsure of what she'd just seen. "Wasn't that the guy who interviewed me?! And a NAZI!?"
"I'M COMIN' TOO!!!!" somebody else yelled. Seras turned around and saw some crazy guy in a tuxedo, red tie, and doctor's coat with short brown hair and two monocles. Sure enough, it was Dr. Insane-O. "DON'T LEAVE ME BEHIND!!!"
"Who the heck was that?!" Seras asked herself as the man ran past her. A few seconds later, he came walking back over to her. "Who are you?"
"I'm Dr. Insane-O," he stated in a civilized and high-class manner. Kneeling slightly, he kissed her hand. "Pleased to meet you..."
Seras stared at the guy for a few seconds. "Okaaaaayyyy..." she looked around for the Spirit of the Harkonnen. Surely that fairy would be along any second to tell her this was just some bizarre dream.
"Oof!" somebody tripped down the hall. Several gunshots were heard, followed by a scream. "Sorry, boss!"
"YOU SHOT ME!!!" H's voice screamed.
"I tripped! Tut mir leid!" Narbe apologized. "I'll take the guns back to the office..."
"What are they doing here?" Seras was so confused.
"Meh, they're trying to get back H's wallet," Dr. Insane-O shrugged. "But enough about them..." he flashed a devinair smile and leaned in close to Seras' face, "Lets talk about us..."
------
"So that's how you got shot?" Alucard arched a brow.
"Yep..." H nodded.
"And the bayonet?"
"Well..."
---FLASHBACK---
"Top o' the mornin' to ya..." Alexander Anderson nodded to a nun as she passed him in the hall.
"Good afternoon, Father Anderson," the nun smiled.
"Um, Father Anderson..." somebody tapped him on the shoulder. Anderson turned around and looked down at Heinkel and Yumi. (Not Yumiko.) "There's a problem."
"Oh? Und wassat?" Anderson tilted his head to the side.
"There are three intruders..." Heinkel informed him. "And they are heading this way."
"Ye don't say..." Anderson scratched his chin. "Und where are they?"
"OUT OF ZE WAY!!!!" Anderson was suddenly throw aside by a long-haired and very fast Frenchman.
"Whit was tha'?!" Anderson got back up off the ground. Two more men tried to run past him, but he grabbed them by the head as they ran by and picked them up off the ground. "Who are ye two?"
"Um..." H waved meekly. "Hi there..."
"I'm Dr. Insane-O!" the mad scientist exclaimed happily. He had a large hand-print on the left side of his face. Clearly, he'd gotten a bit too friendly with a certain Draculina.
"Why are ye here?" Anderson let go of H. He kept Dr. Insane-O in the air, though. Apparently, he didn't trust him.
"I'm chasing the guy who stole my wallet..." H shrugged. Suddenly he turned around and pointed at Heinkel and Yumi. "Oh hey, it's the psycho chick that shot me and the really nice nun!"
"Why'd she shoot you?" Dr. Insane-O looked down at her.
"I'm Protestant..." H shrugged.
"Eh?" Yumi suddenly grabbed her sword. "A heretic?!"
"Heretic?" H stared at Yumi. He started to back up slowly. "Um... aren't you the nice nun who tried to stick up for me?"
"No, that was Yumiko..." she started to draw her Katana. "I'm Yumi..."
"Riiiiiiight..." H nodded his head. "I'll be running now..." And with that, he started sprinting.
"Hey dude..." Dr. Insane-O tapped Anderson on the shoulder. "You're like... the Jesus of Knives!" (Actual quote by my friend Dr. Insane-O while discussing Hellsing...)
"Eh?!" Anderson's eyes focused on the scientist with deadly intent. "Did you just insult the Lord?!"
"Why would I do that? I'm a Christian!" Dr. Insane-O replied.
"What kind?" Anderson asked kindly.
"Protestant," Dr. Insane-O chimed happily. Anderson started to growl and glare at him. "Okay, you just got really scary..." Dr. Insane-O whispered nervously.
"ERRAAAAGHHH!!!!" Anderson hurled Dr. Insane-O through the air. He landed on top of H with a loud thud as he was running away.
"Hi, buddy!" Dr. Insane-O exclaimed.
"PREPARE TO STAND BEFORE GOD'S JUDGEMENT!!!" Anderson roared as he hurled an unholy amount of bayonets at Dr. Insane-O and H.
"I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING!!!!" H screamed.
"See ya!" Dr. Insane-O dove out of the way.
"Crap..." H sighed as the knives flew straight at him.
------
"So that's how you got the bayonet in your leg?" Alucard shook his head.
"Yep..." H nodded.
"And the armor?" Alucard pointed at his ruined outfit.
"Crazy pitchfork-wielding Spanish people with freaky parasites in their head..." H shook his head. (Resident Evil 4...)
"Huh?" Alucard was lost on that one. "When did that happen?"
"I got bored chasing Pip and decided to go have some fun..." H shrugged.
"You're an idiot..." Alucard shook his head again.
"So was that entertaining enough?" H asked.
"No..." Alucard flashed a toothy grin as he drew his two pistols from his jacket. "Start running..."
"LOOK, INTEGRA IS MAKING OUT WITH ANDERSON!!!!" H pointed over Alucard's shoulder.
"WHAAAAAT?!" Alucard roared, turning around with the flames of Hades burning in his hate-filled eyes. But nobody was there. Actually, Dr. Insane-O and Narbe were playing poker in the corner, but they didn't seem important to Alucard. "You lied to me..." Alucard growled as he turned back around.
H was gone.
"Oh good, he's a fast one..." Alucard grinned happily as he jumped to his feet. "This will be such fun..."
Once Alucard had left the room, Dr. Insane-O spoke up. "So should we tell H we found his wallet?"
"Nein. He'd cry if we told him it was under his desk the entire time..." Narbe shook his head.
"Go fish," Dr. Insane-O smirked.
"Ve're playing Poker..." Narbe stared at him.
"Oohhhhh..." Dr. Insane-O nodded. "Go fish."
Next chapter... Interview: Incognito! And after that: Nazi Health Hazards. The Vampire Physiology stories don't even compare to what H is gonna get put through... Heh... Review, please!