Woohoo, I'm healed! For the most part... Anyway, I'm back to my usual self, so here's a new chapter. I hope you like it!

Two suggestions are going to be used. Ironically, they are the both the first suggestion and last suggestion I got for this story. Darthjag and Lunatic Pandora should get a kick out of this story...

The Doctor Is In

"Hey boss, guess what?" Narbe stuck his head through the doorway into H's office. H looked up from the manga he was reading.

"What? Did Alucard reply to my request for a peace treaty?" H's expression lit up.

"Nein..." Narbe replied. H slammed his head on his desk and sobbed. "Sorry, but no. I've set you up for two medical appointments."

"Why?" H sat back up. "I feel fine?"

"Nein, you aren't the patient. You're the doctor, remember?" Narbe shook his head.

"Oh right, Vampire Physiology..." H smirked. "But wait, I already checked all the vampires I could- NO."

"What?" Narbe arched a brow.

"NO. Not Millenium. NO," Agent HUNK shook his head.

"But boss, they're the only people left," Narbe tried to convince him.

"NO. I'm not going anywhere near them," H continued to shake his head.

"They're going to pay you," Narbe smirked.

"Beg pardon?" H stopped shaking his head. "Okay, when's the appointment?"

"In an hour," Narbe replied.

"Excellent! Lets get this place set up..." H jumped out of his chair and started dragging his desk across the room.

---

"Gutten tag?" the door to H's doctor's office slowly creaked open. A raven-haired and bespectacled young woman stuck her head through the doorway. "Is there a doctor in the house?"

"Jawohl..." H was sitting in a chair wearing a lab coat over his normal outfit minus his mask and helmet, and he was reading a German dictionary. To his left was a desk, and to his right was an examination table. The trophy shelf on the wall was still quite barren, save for Jan Valentine's brain.

"You're the doctor?" the woman walked into the room and sat down on the examination table.

"Yep. The name's H. And you're Rip Van Winkle?" H asked.

"Ja, I am ze Huntress Rip Van Winkle," she answered. "You look familiar..."

"Really? I'm sure we've never met before," H flat out lied. He just didn't want to talk about the whole getting shot and waking up surrounded by Nazis fiasco.

"If you say so..." she shrugged.

"So how have you been feeling lately, Miss Van Winkle?" H grabbed his clipboard off the desk next to him.

"Quite fine," she replied.

"Das gut..." H replied. "Well, I'm doing a bit of a study on vampires. Would you mind taking part in it? It should be no trouble for you..."

"I suppose I'll help..." Rip shrugged.

"Excellent. Just sit back, relax, and don't go psycho and try to kill me like my last patients did..." H stood up and looked at his clipboard.

"Alright..." Rip nodded her head.

"Subject is a young Austrian female named Rip Van Winkle," H informed the readers. "Open your mouth, please."

"Okay," Rip opened her mouth. H pointed at her fangs. "Now we've already discussed vampires and their fangs, but I seem to have forgotten something. Miss Van Winkle, would you please smile?" Rip smiled, revealing her trademark Alucard-esque grin. "It seems that vampires can change the shape of all of their teeth on a whim, not just their fangs. They can transform all of their teeth at once if they wish. This is usually done when a vampire is hungry or they grin widely."

"No vorries there, I ate before I came here..." Rip shrugged.

"Thats... interesting..." H scribbled something on his clipboard nervously. "Better him than me..." he muttered under his breath. "Right, now lets look at those eyes..." H pulled a small flashlight from his coat and flicked it on. He flashed the light in Rip's eyes for a few seconds. "Hm... Subject's eyes are of a normal color and shape... As previously discussed, some vampires can change the appearance of their eyes from normal hues to the color red, as well as the shape of their pupils from round to slit. Our subject can at least change the color of her eyes."

"I've got excellent eyesight. I am a sniper, after all..." Rip smirked.

"Don't all vampires have good eyesight?" H asked.

"Mines special," she shrugged.

"Right, well..." H flipped through the pages on his clipboard. "We've covered the teeth, the eyes... What am I missing?"

"Strength?" Rip asked.

"Oh right," H pointed at Rip. "Vampires can rip through people like they were wet tissue paper. I kinda covered that with Seras though, along with the, ahem, physical attributes of female vampires..." H nervously replied.

"Hmph, not much to discuss there..." Rip rolled her eyes. "The Major has bigger breasts than me..."

H's eyes nearly fell out of his head in shock from what she'd said. Blushing slightly, he flipped through his clipboard hurridly. "Um, no comment for the sake of not digging my grave..."

"Und vat would you mean by that?" Rip's eyes narrowed.

"Oh no, I think you misunderstood that!" H held his hands up and took a few steps back. "I knew that anything I said would most likely get me killed! Oh wow, looks like I was right... But does it really matter? Beauty is only skin deep!"

Rip glared at him. "Oh really? Und vat do you mean by zat?"

"What? Oh no, I'm not saying your ugly or anything!" H took another step back and smiled nervously. "Quite contrary, you're quite cute!"

"You really think zo?" Rip smiled innocently.

"Jawohl!" H exclaimed with a smile.

"Thank you," Rip replied. "Vait... you're a doctor, perhaps you could-"

"Oh wow, would you look at the time!" H looked down at his non-existant wrist watch. "I've got to go. Well, I see no problems with you, health or beauty wise, and you seem to be quite healthy. I suppose I shall see you when I do your interview, which should be sometime soon. Until then, lebewohl!" With that, he darted out the door before Rip could argue with him.

"Vait, get back here!" Rip jumped to her feet and chased after him.

---

"THAT was a bizarre experience. Outrunning a vampire is hard!" H staggered back into his doctor's office and sat down in his chair. The moment he started to catch his breath, the door flew open. Into the room strolled the Captain, his hand covering the side of his face.

"..." he stared at H.

"You're my next patient!?" H stared at the Captain. "Um... what's the problem?"

The Captain opened his mouth and pointed at his teeth. "..."

"You have a tooth ache?" H flipped through his clipboard. "Um... I'm sorry, but I'm not a dentist, and I work with vampires, not werewolves."

"..." the Captain glared at him and started to growl.

"But for you, I will make an exception!" H smiled meekly, hoping he wouldn't have his skull ripped out of his head or something.

"..." the Captain nodded and sat down on the table.

"Right..." H sighed. "Say ah..."

---

When Narbe poked his head into H's office later to see how he was doing after the Captain left, he was surpised by what he saw. The office was back to normal, but H was a mess. His doctor's coat was in shreds, his Kevlar vest had deep gouges in it, and his face seemed to be one big bruise. "Vat happened to you, boss?"

"I learned something today," H muttered.

"Und vat would zat be?" Narbe asked.

"Don't try to pull a werewolf's teeth..." With that, H fell out of his chair. "I'm just going to lay here... and cry from the pain... ouch..."

"Right, vell Rip und the Captain both paid their fees..." Narbe handed H two pieces of paper. "Although..."

"What are these?" H stared at the two slips of paper.

"I.O.U.s..." Narbe shook his head.

"Whyyyy?" H groaned.

"Look on ze bright side..." Narbe suggested.

"Alucard didn't show up?" H grinned.

In the distance, the sound of a door opening could be heard, followed by the mad laughter of the No Life King. "Nein..." Narbe shook his head.

H let out a small sob. "What is it, then?"

"Rip wrote her phone number on the back of her I.O.U.," Narbe smirked.

H flipped over the two pieces of paper. "Oh yeah, such a bright side. A psychotic vampire chick has a crush on me... Quite bright indeed!"

"At least she's cute..." Narbe shrugged.

"Jawohl," H flashed a sly smirk. "Jawohl, mein fruend!" The sound of the office door opening made H's smirk dissappear, however. "Warum? Warummmm?"

Moral of the Story: Don't become a dentist who works with werewolves.

Poor H. Always getting himself into awkward and painfull situations... Review, please!

Oh, right, German translations...

"Gutten tag" - Good day

"Nein" - No

"Jawohl" - Indeed

"Das gut" - That's good (I think)

"Lebewohl" - Farewell

"Mein fruend" - My friend

"Warum" - Why

I think that's all of them. I love my German dictionary...

Oh wow, look at that. This is the longest chapter in this story so far. Yay?

Ahem, right... well... review please:)