Writer's block, writer's block, thou art cruel... Anyway, lets see if I can write up something funny.
In a dim-lit hospital room, two men were slumbering peacefully. Covered from head to toe in full-body casts, it was hard to tell that the two men were Agent HUNK and Narbe. It appeared that they had both run afoul with the No Life King. Somebody had patched them up, and now they were trying to recover in peace.
Of course, peace is fleeting and doesn't last long. The door to the hospital room suddenly flew open, and the room was illuminated by the lights turning on. "How are my two patients doing?" their doctor burst into the room, smiling broadly. It was, of course, Dr. Insane-O.
"I've been better..." Agent HUNK replied weakly. Only his eyes and mouth were exposed by the plaster cast.
"I'm in pain. I want to die. Somebody please kill me..." Narbe groaned. His eyes and mouth were exposed, and his left hand was free.
"You guy's are lucky to be alive..." the doctor checked his clipboard.
"What makes you say that?" H asked. "I don't remember a thing."
"Well, Mr. Nazi here had both knees broken, both arms dislocated, three ribs cracked, and a black eye," Dr. Insane-O pointed at Narbe. "He apparently tried to pull Alucard off of you."
"Oooooh-hooo-hooo-hoooooo, morphiiiiinnnneeeee..." Narbe had found the button for the morphine IV, and he was now pressing it repeatedly with his free hand.
"What about me?" H groaned.
"You got screwed over, to put it simply," Dr. Insane-O replied bluntly. "He snapped your femurs like twigs, shattered both elbows, cracked your skull, gave you a concussion, broke 7 ribs, knocked out 3 teeth, fractured your jaw, and he shoved several wads of paper down your throat."
"So that's why my whole body is screaming out in agony..." H replied sarcastically. "Wait, what paper?"
"All of the paper from your clipboard, two mangas, a German dictionary, and some IOUs," Dr. Insane-O informed him.
"All of those things were important..." H groaned sadly.
"Weeeeee..." The morphine had gone to Narbe's head. "I feel happyyyyyyyyyyyy, I feeeeel happyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy..."
"Why won't you die?" Dr. Insane-O shook his head. "Seriously, why?"
"Because Jesus loves me?" H chuckled.
"WRONG!!!" Dr. Insane-O jumped up on top of H's bed and pointed an accusing finger at him, casuing H to whimper in pain. "ITS BECAUSE YOU'RE A FREAK OF NATURE WHO REFUSES TO ALLOW THE ICY COLD FINGERS OF DEATH TO WRAP AROUND YOUR THROAT AND DRAG YOU DOWN INTO THE BURNING PITS OF HELL!!!"
Dead silence.
"Jesus still loves me, though..." H replied casually.
"Morphine, morphine, morphine..." Narbe was hittin' that stuff hard. "Morphiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnne..."
"Right, well..." Dr. Insane-O got down and dusted himself off. "Do you need anything?"
"Yes," H replied. "I need you to call Father Anderson."
"Why? Last Rites?" Dr. Insane-O asked.
"No," H replied. "I need to learn how to fight vampires."
---
"Is thar a' Agent HUNK haer?" Father Alexander Anderson asked the doctor sitting behind the desk of the small hospital.
"Oh good, you're here!" Dr. Insane-O replied. He sat up and gestured to his right. "He's in that room. The only room. Yeah, my hospital sucks..." he grumbled.
"Thank ye," Anderson nodded.
"DUDE!!!" Dr. Insane-O suddenly exclaimed.
"Wit?" Anderson took a step back.
"BLING!!!" Dr. Insane-O pointed at the silver cross hanging from Anderson's neck.
"Wit?" Anderson stared at him.
"DUDE, YOU'VE GOT THE JESUS BLING!!!" Dr. Insane-O was clearly amazed by what he saw. "THAT'S LIKE... THE BLING THAT DIED FOR ALL THE OTHER BLING'S SINS!!! DUDE, THAT IS AWSOME!!!" (A/N: Again, something he actually said. He said all of that word for word, in fact. Only he was talking about my crucifix.)
"I don't know wit ye just said..." Anderson replied softly. "But Ae didn' like it." He narrowed his eyes, and slowly started to reach into his coat.
"Uh oh..." Dr. Insane-O gulped nervously.
---
"AAAAAAAAAAGGGGGHHH!!!!!!"
"What was that?" Agent HUNK looked over at Narbe. They were now out of the casts and wearing hospital gowns, and they were just laying in their beds watching anime on tv.
"I don't know," Narbe shrugged.
"Allo thar," the door to the hospital room opened, and Anderson poked his head through the doorway. "How are ye doin' today?"
"Er... I got beat down by Count Trigger Happy, and my body is one giant bruise. Other than that, I'm quite fine!" H replied merrily. Narbe was whistling innocently, hoping Anderson wouldn't try to kill him.
"Ae see..." Anderson sat down in a chair next to H's bed. "So wit do ye need mae fer?"
"I need lessons," H shrugged. "Alucard is getting annoying, and I want you to teach me to fight."
"Fighting vampyres is not sumthin' ye kin learn wit ease..." Anderson replied.
"I know..." H nodded. "That's why I've ordered my assistant to hire me a body guard in case this doesn't work out."
"He said he'd be here tommorrow!" Narbe added.
"Ae see..." Anderson scratched his chin. "Well, I suppose I kin give ye a few lessons."
"Great!" H exclaimed. "Thanks! Oh, and what was with all the screaming?"
"Nothin' important..." Anderson shrugged. "Just givin' yer friend a lesson in respectin' the Lord."
"Hey, buddy!" The door opened again, and this time Dr. Insane-O staggered into the room. He was holding two boquets of flowers, and several bayonets were jutting from random body parts. "These just came for you!"
Dead silence.
"You do realize there are several bayonets sticking out of you... right?" H stared at his pin-cushion of a friend.
"Yeah, yeah..." Dr. Insane-O replied. "I'm a doctor, don't worry..."
"Who are the flowers from?" Narbe asked.
"Oh right, they're from a bunch of people called Millenium," Dr. Insane-O replied. Clearly, he had no idea who those people were. Actually, he only knew a few things about Hellsing. Anderson, Alucard, and Seras were the only people he knew about, in fact. "You also got flowers and cards from the Hellsing Agency and Section XIII, as well as a letter of apology from Integra Hellsing."
"Sweet..." H nodded his head. "I'll look at them later, though. Right now, I need morphine. The pain is coming back. Owwwwwww..."
Lessons from Anderson? A bodyguard? Hm... Things could get interesting. Review, please!