Sorry. I've been side-tracked by a lot of other fics, and I haven't had much of an urge to finish this one. But I might as well do what I set out to begin... Interview every major Hellsing character!

Interview: Der Major

"HELLO PEOPLE!!!" Agent HUNK screamed at the camera in his office. "LONG TIME NO SEE, HUH?!" Everything was as it should have been. Agent HUNK was decked out in his usual Kevlar and gas mask, his desk was spotless, and the sofa was unoccupied. "Yeaaaah..." he looked at the empty sofa, "Narbe is in rehab for a morphine addiction, Dr. Insane-O is... somewhere... and my new bodyguard is chilling out in the hallway outside..."

"Query: Can I come inside and greet the readers?" came a robotic voice from outside.

"No, HK, I need you to stand guard in case ol' Count Triggerhappy comes around..." Agent HUNK replied.

"Response: As you wish, Master," the robotic voice sighed. "Mutterance: Stupid Meatbag..."

"I heard that..." Agent HUNK growled.

"Denial: Heard what, Master?" the voice replied in a cheery tone.

"Hmph..." Agent HUNK crossed his arms. "That's HK-47, my new bodyguard. He's a robot from the game Star Wars: Knighs of the Old Republic. He hates and wants to kill everyone and everything..."

"Correction: I don't hate everything, Master. I love killing Meatbags, and I enjoy watching the innocent suffer..." HK-47 pointed out.

"He's psycho..." Agent HUNK whispered. "But he's a good bodyguard... ANYWAY!!!" he suddenly exclaimed, holding his hands up in front of his face and preparing his usual "clappy-clap" trick. "LETS HAVE AN INTERVIEW, SHALL WE?!"

"Sarcastic Response: Yes, let us have an interview, Master..." HK-47 replied. "That would be so entertaining..."

"I WAS BEING... uh... what's the word for talking to yourself?" Agent HUNK scratched the back of his helmet.

"Guess: Crazy?" HK-47 answered.

"Shut up..." Agent HUNK grumbled before he clapped his hands together.

BOOOOOMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!

"Ugh..." Agent HUNK sat up and rubbed his sore head. Instead of somebody showing up, there had been a huge explosion, and now everything was dark. In fact, the force of the blow had knocked Agent HUNK's gas mask and helmet off. As he sat up and ran his fingers through his short blonde hair, he couldn't hlep but freak out. "WHAT THE CRAP?! I MEAN REALLY, WHAT THE CRAP!?"

"Ooooh, it vorked!" a German accented voice exclaimed happily.

"Oh no..." Agent HUNK frowned. Above him, a set of TVs suddenly flickered to life. The glow they gave off revealedtwo men standing on either side of a third man sitting in a chair. The man in the chair was shadowed, while the two men on either side of him where completely illuminated. One was wearing a bizarre doctor's smock, and the other was wearing a German cap and trench coat with the collar turned up. They were, obviously, the Dok and the Captain. And, naturally, Agent HUNK knew who was in the chair. "Gutton tag, Major..." Agent HUNK grumbled.

"You don't sound too happy to see me..." the Major sighed in a sad tone as several more TVs lit up and revealed his face.

"Well, you ARE a Nazi vampire bent on world destruction..." Agent HUNK shrugged.

"So? Aren't you one of zose folks who looks past ze faults in people and judges zem by their moral character instead?" the Major smirked.

"Yeaaahhh..." Agent HUNK nodded slowly. "But you're a Nazi vampire bent on world destruction on the inside, too!"

"Oh, vell..." the Major's smirk deepened. "I guess there's no helping zat, zen, ist zer?"

"Nein, there's not..." Agent HUNK rolled his eyes. "Oh, wait, why am I here?"

"Oh, right... um..." the Major scratched his chin, trying to think of the answer. "Who do I put zis? Um... oh, right! HIT ZE BUTTON NOW!!!"

Click.

"Eh?" Agent HUNK looked up just in time to have a large steel cage smash down on top of him. "LEMME OUT OF HERE!!!" he snarled, grabbing the bars and shaking them madly.

"Sorry, no can do!" Dok smirked, holding up a remote control.

"You see, ve haf a secret veapon, und ve don't vant you trying to help zose fools in Hellsing or the Vatican ven ve try to use it..." the Major explained.

"I see... And what would that secret weapon happen to be?" Agent HUNK scratched his chin in wonder at his current situation.

"Me..." a voice crooned from behind Agent HUNK.

"Hm?" he turned to see who was behind him. "Woah... wait... Is that..." Agent HUNK stared in horror and confusion at...

none other than...

the fearsome...

dreadful...

EVIL...

creepy...

and psychotic...

abomination...

known as...

"INCOGNITO!?" he screamed out in an Alucard-esque manner.

"Yes, foolish mortal, it is I!" the genderly-challenged vampire from the Dark Continent proclaimed. "I am Incognito, and I am the Nazi's secret weapon!"

"DUDE!!!" Agent HUNK suddenly jumped in surpise. "SO THE ANIME WAS TIED TO THE MANGA!!!"

"Huh?" everyone arched an eyebrow.

"Nevermind..." he chuckled. "So he's your secret weapon?"

"Zats correct!" Dok grinned.

"He's an unstoppable beast, and there's no way you can help Alucard, Integra, or any of your other foolish friends!" the Major cackled.

"Uh-huh... sure..." Agent HUNK smirked. "Lets see what Mr. Panzerschreck has to say about that..."

Clap-clap.

"Huh?" Agent HUNK looked down at his hands. "Where's the Panzerschreck?"

Clap-clap.

"What gives?!" he growled.

Clap-clap. Clap-clap. CLAP-CLAP-CLAP-CLAP-CLAP!!!

"GRRRRAA!!!" he snarled in frustration.

"Your powers von't work in zere..." the Major grinned.

"I made zat cage with a certain material that drains Authors' powers!" Dok bragged.

"No!" Agent HUNK looked at the cage around him in horror. "NOT THAT!!! ANYTHING BUT THAT!!!"

"Zat's right!" Dok laughed maniacly. "Its made from... PURE WRITER'S BLOCK!!! HAH HAH HEH HEH HAH HAH!!!"

"YOU MONSTERRRRRRR!!!" Agent HUNK screamed, collapsing to his knees in desperation. "WHY?! WHYYYYY?!"

"Now if you'll excuse us..." the Major pressed a button, and the ground beneath Agent HUNK and his cage began to descend. "Ve have a date vith destiny..."

"I hope you get rejected by her, too..." Agent HUNK grumbled as the elevator carried him down into total darkness. "I hope she rejects you BAD..."

I bet you were expecting it to be Dr. Insane-O, weren't you? Hah hah, I fooled you...

HK-47 is guarding an empty office, Narbe is in rehab, Agent HUNK is being held hostage, and Incognito is coming to kill everyone.

You just know that this is going to end hilariously...

Review, please!

Oh, and Agent HUNK's lessons on Anderson will be described later on. Just in case you were about to review and ask about that... yeah... bye!