Thank you all for your wonderful feedback, I appreciate it. Keep it coming, let me know what you think.

A special thanks to Stayce for her help with the tricky parts.

The title is just borrowed from Bon Jovi, their song titles are engraved in my brain.

Disclaimer: If Mickey had wings, he'd be Donald Duck…I own nothing. Not even Jon Bon Jovi.

Rating: R for adult language and situations. Then there's the angst and the drama…read at your own risk.

Living on a Prayer

Chapter 2

Ranger put me down in front of his car and made sure I could stand on my own two feet.

"You want to go to your parents' now?" He asked.

I shook my head no. "They don't want to see me like this."

"Babe, no one wants to see you like this," Ranger said and beeped his car open. He held the passenger side door open for me and I got in slowly. He was right; I didn't even want to see myself like this. But I had found a way out and Ranger hadn't let me take it.

"Why did you stop me?" I asked when he sat down in the driver's seat; I forced my eyes to meet his. "It's what I want."

Ranger shook his head slowly. "I don't think so. Though I can see how you believe it is."

He cupped my face in his hand and gently stroked his thumb over my cheek. "You will feel better, Babe, I promise. I know it feels like you never will, but trust me."

I pulled away from his touch. Even if he was right, I didn't want it to be true. I never wanted to feel better again, how could I do that to Joe?

He had turned sideways to look at me; his elbow was resting on the steering wheel. When I'd pulled back, he let his hand fall to the seat, but he didn't break eye contact. I knew he meant it, but I didn't know how to tell him to just stop worrying about me, to leave me alone. Not because I'd be fine, but because it wasn't worth the effort.

At that moment, I felt like I was nothing without Joe.

"How can you know how I feel?" I asked, my voice emotionless and like an old woman's.

"I know loss. I know despair." Ranger said. He wasn't going to share more, I knew it. And he didn't have to, I didn't care if he could relate. I didn't want sympathy, I didn't want pity, and I didn't want to be understood. I wanted Joe back. If I couldn't have that I just wanted the pain to end.

I looked down at my hands. The pain in my heart was as strong physically as it was emotionally. My stomach felt like I'd swallowed a rock. My head was pounding.

"Take me home," I whispered.

Ranger turned and started the car. "Home is not where you want to be," He said and pulled out of the parking space.

I closed my eyes and exhaled slowly, trying to find the right way to tell Ranger that home was the only place I wanted to be.

"I'm not gonna let you hole up in your bed again, just forget it." Ranger said as if he was reading my mind.

"Why don't you just leave me alone?" I asked as I turned my head away from him and stared blindly out the window, tears stinging my eyes once again. Ranger took a left onto Olden, pulled over and killed the engine.

I could hear him shift in his seat, probably to face me, but I didn't move.

When he didn't say anything, I pulled on the door handle to get out, but before I could even open the door, Ranger put his hands on my shoulders and turned me to face him.

"You cannot run away or hide from this one," he said softly, "It's going to find you. I can't protect you from it, but I can make sure you make it through."

"I don't want to run," I said, "Why don't you understand? I just want to be left alone."

Ranger sighed and pulled me closer although I tried to resist.

"I don't think it's safe for you to be left alone right now," he almost whispered, "I was watching, remember?"

I gathered up my last strength and straightened up, backing away from him.

"I'm not gonna try anything, I promise. If you are my friend you'll give me the time to mourn." I pleaded. What did it take?

A shadow of pain flickered over his face before it became blank again. He held on to me but didn't pull me closer.

"You have all the time you need, Babe. I'm not pushing you. But I need to know you're safe."

"I am perfectly safe at home!"

Ranger shook his head exasperated and looked up as if asking for divine help.

"Stay with me. There are no memories at my place."

The memories were exactly what I needed right now. I needed to feel Joe's presence. Although I couldn't make myself stay at his house, I could imagine him in every corner of my apartment. Why wouldn't Ranger want me to have those moments?

I sighed. There was no way I could get away from him if he didn't let me. He would never hurt me, but it wouldn't take much to overpower me. I had to convince him with words.

I smoothed out tiny wrinkles in my skirt to gather my thoughts. Ranger was clearly waiting for me to say something.

"I'm better now. I'm not gonna hide in bed anymore. I just want to be by myself."

Ranger seemed to consider, although I wasn't sure I had convinced him. He sighed.

"Today. Tomorrow, my way. Deal?" He stuck his hand out for me to shake. It was a compromise I could live with, I slowly took his hand.

Ranger started the car again and took Olden to Liberty Street. I watched the scenery rush by without seeing it. When we stopped for a light, a black truck pulled up next to us and my breath caught in my throat. Joe had been driving the same truck once, and for a split second, I was convinced the driver was Joe. Then he turned his head towards me and the image shattered. But the truck had brought back the memories. Joe had bought his to replace his Jeep that exploded in my parking lot. Bob hadn't liked to climb into it, so Joe had traded it in for an SUV. Before I could stop it, a sob escaped.

Ranger put his hand on mine in my lap and squeezed it lightly. I didn't know if he knew what I'd seen, but his touch helped. I took a calming breath and forced my eyes away from the truck.

We pulled into my apartment building's lot and Ranger pulled into a parking space.

"No need to come up," I said, "I want my alone time to start right away."

"Just let me check if…"

"No," I interrupted him, "I'll wave as soon as I'm in, within two minutes. Deal?"

Ranger let out a breath and stared straight ahead. I took that as a reluctant yes.

I leaned over and hugged him. "Thank you." I whispered. He hugged me back and kissed me on the cheek.

"Call me if you need me. Any time, Babe, you know that."

"I always have," I said and gave him a small smile.

I made it through the lobby and up to the second floor without flashbacks, but when I stepped out of the elevator and turned towards my apartment, I was hit again. I remembered the time when I'd come home to find Joe sitting in front of my door, his long legs stretched out on the floor, a bag of Pino's take-out next to him. Tears welled up again, and I didn't fight them back.

My apartment seemed dark and empty. My mom must have taken Rex at some point; his cage's spot on the kitchen counter was empty. The answering machine was blinking with messages, but I wasn't ready to listen to them, I could imagine what they'd say.

I took off the suit and put on my terry bathrobe. Joe had always liked how it came apart when he pulled at the belt. I held the fuzzy belt in my hand and let my fingers slide over the material while I stood by the window and waved down at Ranger. I stayed and stared at the fire escape. Then I slowly turned around to let my eyes roam.

There was nothing in my apartment that Joe hadn't touched, no room he hadn't been in.

A movement caught my eye in the parking lot. A black SUV pulled in and came to a stop next to Ranger's black Porsche. Probably one of his Merry Men getting briefed. I should have known. Ranger was going to stay.

My phone rang and I discovered someone had placed the handset on the night table next to the

freshly made bed. It looked like the clean-up fairy had visited while I'd been away, now I noticed my discarded clothes weren't on the floor around me either. My guess was Ranger had asked his housekeeper, Ella, to come over.

I picked up the handset and answered it when I recognized the number. "Hi mom," I said.

"Stephanie, is everything alright? Ranger said you weren't feeling well and needed to go home?"

I sighed. No mom, nothing was alright. Probably wouldn't be alright ever again. How could she even ask me that?

"I'm fine. I just had to be alone for a while." That was as close to the truth as my mom could handle. I just knew she wouldn't understand. My mom was a 'Burg woman through and through, no matter how much pain she'd be in, she'd always maintain a composed and quiet exterior.

"Then why didn't you pay your respects over at the Knights of Columbus hall? It was embarrassing, your father and I had to cover for you. I didn't raise you that way, Stephanie."

I couldn't be mad at my mother. She loved me, she just had different priorities. I truly believe she wouldn't understand how my life had ended with Joe's. But I still had to bite my tongue so I wouldn't make a rude comment. I took a deep breath and counted to ten.

"Thank you for doing that, mom. I have to go now. Talk to you later?" and I disconnected. I knew my mom would be staring at the receiver and shake her head in disbelief about her disrespectful daughter, but I didn't care. Her biggest problem was that the 'Burg would be talking because I didn't show up for the funeral feast. I snorted. That didn't even register on my issues scale; I couldn't care less what the 'Burg thought of me at that moment.

The conversation with my mom had aggravated me enough; I decided it was as good a time as any to listen to my messages on the answering machine.

Just as I had suspected, the first call was from my best friend Mary Lou. "Steph…I just heard and…oh God, I'm so sorry. Please call me!" She'd sounded like she was close to tears herself. If I talked to her right then, I would have started the waterworks again. Next was Lula, and her message was basically the same.

The third and fourth were from my mom, left three days ago. Probably she came by after that, otherwise there would have been more messages from her. There was a message of just breathing, and I couldn't identify the breather. Valerie was the next caller; she had broken down into tears after "Steph…"

But it was the last message that caught my attention.

"Stephanie," a man's voice said, "aren't' you glad I took care of your little problem? Now there's nothing standing between us anymore…"

My heart stopped for a beat and my blood froze in my veins. I had to hold on to the counter to steady myself. After a couple minutes, my heart rate was approaching normal and I rewound the message to play it again. I still didn't recognize the voice. My next instinct was to call…Joe. This time I actually wailed and slid down the counter to the floor, where I hugged my knees to my chest and sobbed uncontrollably.

Ever since I'd become a bounty hunter and Joe'd been my first skip to bring in, he had helped me. Every time some crazy bastard would stalk me, threaten my friends or leave sick presents for me, whenever I made a gruesome discovery, Joe'd been by my side. And he would never be again. I would never again see him shake his head while smiling, hands on his hips, eyebrows raised. A comment like "Other cops' girlfriends deal with broken fingernails. My girlfriend finds broken bodies" or "I hear they're hiring at the button factory" on his lips, because he knew that would get him a death glare from me. Then he would hug and kiss me and that made it all better somehow. Of course later on, it would become the reason for an argument, how he didn't want to find me in those situations and how he thought I should find a different job.

I realized I was feeling sorry for myself and tried to pull myself together, like mom had told me to do when I was five years old. The sobs died down to hiccups after a while and I was able to take normal breaths again.

Right, the message. There was a chance it was just a prank. I'd made enough enemies over the years, I was sure a lot of them were itching to get even. But what if it wasn't? What if it was a message from Joe's killer?

I had to find out what'd happened. Now.

Telling myself I was strong enough to hear it, I called Eddie Gazarra. He'd been one of the first to know, he would have to have all the information. I didn't know what shift he was working, but I'd seen him at the funeral in uniform, so I tried the station first.

He was a good friend and didn't torture me with 'How are you feeling?', he asked if I needed anything by way of greeting.

"Eddie, I need to know what happened. Who…" I couldn't make myself say it as I was choking up again. Eddie was quiet for a moment, then he sighed.

"You don't want to know, Hon. Trust me."

"No, I'm sure you're right. But I need to know," I said, taking a deep breath. "Can you come over later?"

I didn't really want to see or talk to anyone, but I couldn't bear to hear the truth over the phone either.

Eddie sighed. "I'm almost done here. Let me grab something to eat and I'll be over in an hour, okay?"

After we'd disconnected, I washed my face clean, pulled my hair into a ponytail and went to change into a t-shirt and sweatpants. Whoever had visited had cleaned my entire apartment, even the bathroom was spotless. Joe's toiletries were still on the counter, he'd left a few necessities at my place for when he stayed over. I picked up the can of shaving cream and smelled it. It was some of the essence of Joe, a scent I would always associate with him.

I was standing by my closet with my face buried in one of Joe's shirts when I heard a knock on the door. More out of habit than security, I checked the peephole. Eddie smiled at me; he had changed out of his uniform and was wearing a sweatshirt now. I opened the door and he stepped in, a pizza box in hand. The gesture made me smile; I didn't have the heart to tell him I wasn't hungry.

He didn't say anything, he just hugged me and I leaned against him. After a long moment, he cleared his throat and took a step back.

"How're you holding up, Hon?" he asked. I shrugged and stared at the floor. "Took some effort to get past your bodyguard," he said, "Good thing I know Manoso."

I hadn't considered that Ranger would watch and check all visitors.

Eddie walked past me and put the pizza box on the dining room table before he came back and took me by the elbow.

"Let's eat first, okay?"

I nodded and followed him. He grabbed plates and paper towels out of the kitchen and joined me at the table. I took a slice of pizza but didn't feel like eating it, the sandwich from earlier still had me full.

Eddie finished his pizza and I looked up at him, pulling my legs up to hold on to something.

"Tell me, Eddie."

He sighed, pushed his chair back and took his plate into the kitchen. "You want a beer?" He asked and I heard him open the fridge. No, I didn't want a beer; I wanted to know what happened! "Sure."

We took our beers to the couch where I assumed the same position and waited for Eddie to start. The cold beer felt good going down my sore throat, so I took another pull.

"The call came in around 9:30," Eddie began, "Officer requesting backup. Standard procedure. Big Dog and Robin answered it." He was peeling the label off his bottle, his elbows on his thighs. His voice was calm, but I could tell how nervous he was.

"Joe had requested backup?" I asked. Eddie nodded.

"He was working on a case with Thomalla, but Thomalla was out that day. From what I understand, Joe had gotten a tip about a warehouse by the river and went out to investigate."

I knew Joe had planned on doing paperwork all morning, so for something to make him up and leave, the tip must have been credible.

"Then what?" I prodded when Eddie was quiet for too long, probably searching for the right words.

"Big Dog and Robin found Joe at the warehouse, he'd been shot." Eddie shook his head. "I don't know what made him go out there by himself in the first place."

I hugged my legs closer and started rocking slowly back and forth.

"When Dog got to Joe, he was unconscious. They called the ambulance right away, but by the time it got there…" He left the sentence unfinished.

All I could think was that Joe hadn't died alone. Big Dog and Robin had been with him.

"Anyone at the scene? Any clues?"

Eddie shook his head again. "Nothing. Joe's weapon had been fired, but they didn't find the bullets. So they assume he shot whoever was there with him."

"Was he…" I had to swallow back tears, "Was he hurting, Eddie? Was he in pain?"
Eddie stared at his hands and shook his head slowly. "I wasn't there, but he was already unconscious and they got to him within minutes. It must have happened real fast, Steph. I'm so sorry."

He reached over and hugged me again. I leaned my head against his shoulder and let the tears flow this time. The image of Joe wounded on the ground wouldn't go away. But now I knew he hadn't suffered.

I pulled away from Eddie and got up to grab a tissue. "Thank you," I said softly. I knew how much effort it must have cost Eddie to tell me.

"Who is on the case?"

Eddie shrugged. "As far as I know, Thomalla. It ties into the case. He's a recent transfer from Newark, but a good guy. "

I nodded. Joe had told me as much. I hadn't met Thomalla, but he and Joe seemed to get along okay. Joe would usually work alone, and they weren't partners per se, but every big case always had a primary and a secondary department member assigned. I knew Joe'd been the primary detective, but I didn't know much about the case.

For now I'd heard enough. I made a mental note to talk to Thomalla when I could think straight again.

"Are you gonna be okay by yourself, Steph? I promised Shirley I'd be home at a reasonable hour. She's…" He stopped and his eyes widened as he looked at me.

"It's okay, Eddie. She's worried about you after what happened to Joe. I understand. I'll be fine, don't worry." I motioned towards the parking lot "Ranger is here."

Eddie got up and took his empty bottle into the kitchen.

"Call me if you need to talk," he said and gave me a peck on the cheek. I nodded and thanked him again.

After he left, I leaned against the closed door for a while to calm down. I hadn't told Eddie about the message; I didn't know what to make of it yet. But I had to share it, get a second opinion. Or a first one, for that matter.

A knock on the door startled me. I jerked back with the doorknob in hand and opened the door.

"Everything okay?" Ranger asked.

If I lived to be 100 years, I never wanted to hear that question again. I knew it was well meant, but I was so tired of it. No, nothing was okay. Why did everyone ask me that? Did they really want to hear the answer?

"I asked Eddie to come over to tell me what happened," I said, "I had to know."

"Babe," Ranger said.

I sighed. "I had to know." I repeated and Ranger nodded almost imperceptibly.

"There was nothing anyone could have done," Ranger said softly. I looked up into his eyes. "You know what happened?" Ranger nodded again and shrugged slightly. "I figured you'd ask when you were ready for it."

"Did you hear anything? Is anyone bragging about it, are there any suspects?" I asked. Ranger shook his head.

"There's more." I motioned for him to follow me and played the message on the answering machine again. Ranger listened, his face expressionless.

"Do you recognize the voice?" He asked afterwards. I shook my head no.

"Did you play the message for Gazarra?"

"No, I…I didn't know…do you think it's real?"

Ranger pulled out his cell phone and flipped it open. "Let's find out."

He was on the phone for less than a minute, supposedly with one of the Merry Men. From what I understood, Ranger was giving orders to access my phone records and set up a trace. I'd worked at RangeMan at some point, and I knew their tools to hack into someone's privacy rivaled those of the CIA. If successful, we'd get the caller's phone number and possibly his name.

Ranger disconnected and put his phone back into his pocket.

"Whoever it is, he knows you." He said. I nodded. That much had been clear to me.

"You can't stay here." He stated simply. I had expected as much, it was usually his first reaction.

"I'm safe here. There's no reason to believe he'll come to my apartment!" I reasoned. My apartment was my cave; it was the only place I wanted to be for now. As soon as I got Rex back, it would be home again.

Ranger shook his head slightly. "Too many variables here, Babe." I raised my eyebrows.

"Two entrances, plus the fire escape. Numerous neighbors," he explained, "I can't keep you safe here."

I went into the kitchen to grab another beer and walked past Ranger into the living room. Ranger followed, taking in the pizza box still on the table.

"Did you eat?"

I followed his gaze. "I thought about it." I shrugged.

"You shouldn't drink on an empty stomach. Or at all." Ranger said.

I sat down on the couch and tucked my feet in under me.

"I shouldn't do a lot of things. And a lot of things that shouldn't happen, do." I didn't know where that had come from, and it had come out more harshly than intended. Ranger stepped closer, hands on his hips.

"We're just speeding up the process a little, Babe. Tomorrow, I would have made you come with me anyway." He sat down next to me and took the bottle from my hands. When I reached after it, he took my hands in his.

"Remember how I said you couldn't run away from it? Booze will make you feel worse, trust me on this."

I knew getting drunk wasn't the answer, why was Ranger treating me like a child? A small part of me recognized he wanted to protect me and help me, but I had no patience for it. I just wanted to be alone.

"I'm going to ask you to leave now," I said calmly, "You agreed to it. If you break our deal now I see no reason to honor it tomorrow."

Ranger's eyes widened a fraction of an inch, a sure indication that I had shocked him. He looked like he was going to respond, but then he just sighed and got up.

His phone chirped and he answered it, walking into the kitchen as he talked.

I took that opportunity to reclaim my beer and take a long pull. It shouldn't have surprised me that Ranger had seen right through me again. After the first beer, I'd decided to keep drinking until I passed out, hoping the alcohol would dull all my senses, including the pain. I would deal another day, for now I needed escape.

Ranger came back and wordlessly took the beer from me again.

"That was Tank. The call originated from a prepaid cell phone, no name."

I shrugged. "Probably a hoax. Someone's idea of a joke."

"If it was anybody else, I'd entertain that possibility. But consider your track record, Babe." I didn't respond. I wasn't open to reason.

"Do you really want me to leave?" He asked, his voice softer than before.

I looked up. He was waiting for an answer. He was asking me to make a decision.

I threw my hands up exasperated. "Leave. Stay. I don't give a rat's ass what you do. All I was asking you to do was give me one day!" I was almost yelling now, and I didn't know why.

Ranger's expression remained calm.

I slumped down on the couch and buried my face in a pillow.

A moment later, I felt Ranger's hand on my back.

"Babe," he said, "I'll leave if you want me to. But I'd rather you come with me."

"Why?" I asked into the pillow. I didn't have the strength to come up.

I felt Ranger lift me up and settle down on the couch with me in his lap.

"Hey!" I said, but there was not much protest in my voice. It did feel good to be held.

"Do you know what Morelli was working on?"

Just like that, my beer buzz was gone. 'What Morelli was working on'. Past tense. He would never again be working on this or any other case. Joe was gone. I sucked in some air loudly and it came out in a huge sob.

Ranger pulled me against him and I cried on his shoulder again. I hadn't thought there were any tears left in me, yet here they were. Would there ever be a time when the mention of Joe's name wouldn't make me cry?

"Babe, I'm sorry," Ranger whispered close to my ear, "I didn't mean to…"

"'s okay." I mumbled into his shoulder. I lifted my head and slipped off his lap. "Just give me a moment."

And I ran into the bathroom and locked the door. There was no way I could keep this up, I was a crying mess.

Ranger knocked on the door a few minutes later. "You okay in there?" He asked.

I splashed some cold water on my face and wondered if I was okay, or if I would ever be again. It's not like I was a control freak, but I like to think that I usually have a pretty decent head on my shoulders. I could not remember a time when I had felt so empty, so hopeless and so disgusted with myself at the same time.

"Babe?" Ranger asked, reminding me that I hadn't replied.

"Please go." I said and realized this was exactly why I had wanted to be alone in the first place. If one more person asked me if I was okay, I would scream.

"Can't do that until you come out." Ranger said.

I sighed and put my elbows on the bathroom counter so I could rest my head which had started to pound again. What the hell did it take to grieve in peace? I had lost everything; didn't I deserve some time to feel sorry for myself? Didn't I?

I straightened, walked to the door, unlocked it and yanked it open.

Ranger took a step back, I had obviously surprised him. Hell, I had surprised myself.

"Go." I said, my voice void of all emotion, I was spent. Ranger looked like he was going to say something, so I held up my hand in the universal 'stop' gesture and just pointed at the front door.

I thought I saw pain flicker across his face, but I may have just been seeing what I felt.

Ranger turned and walked out of my bedroom. Moments later, I heard the front door open and shut. I collapsed onto the floor; I couldn't even make it to the bed.

I hadn't wanted to send Ranger away, I wanted him here. He must have put his life on hold to be there for me, now that I didn't have a life anymore. That wasn't fair to him, since I didn't want to be consoled.

I curled up into a fetal position and cried silently.

Tomorrow, I would talk to Thomalla to find out what the case was. Tomorrow, I would tell Ranger I was sorry. Tomorrow, I may be able to think again. Just as long as I didn't have to do any of that today.

I was rocking back and forth, hugging my knees to my chest, there were no thoughts in my head.

That's when the phone rang. No way was I going to answer it, I didn't care who it was. I'd left the answering machine on for just that reason. The machine picked up and I stopped rocking and lay perfectly still to listen. Nothing at first, I almost thought it was going to be a hang-up when the caller started speaking.

"I like that you send all the men away, Stephanie. I'd take care of them like I took care of the pig, but I appreciate you saving me the trouble. No one can come between us, right? I knew you'd see it my way. I have a present for you, I hope you'll like it."

A chill went through my entire body when I heard the beep that signaled the end of the call. Whoever it was, he was watching me, he knew Eddie and Ranger had been here. I had a feeling I was not going to like the present. I had heard the tone of voice before when the crazy boxer Ramirez had become obsessed with me: this caller was marching to the beat of his own drum, he was crazy. Nuthouse crazy. Ramirez had had crazy, evil eyes to go along with his habit of scaring and maiming women.

But what if he'd been telling the truth? What if the caller was Joe's killer? If I'd pretend to share his delusion, he might agree to meet me, and I'd get to…I knew I should subdue and arrest him or something, but I right now, I was pretty sure I'd shoot the bastard. It wouldn't bring Joe back, but it would feel right.

That thought brought me to my feet. All of a sudden I had a plan, a purpose: Revenge.

This, I had to do alone. If I told Ranger, he would take over, thinking he'd protect me. He wouldn't understand it would only work if I did it myself, and it would only work if the son of a bitch ended up dead. I was pretty sure Ranger had killed for me before, and that time, the guy had deserved it, too. But it hadn't been as personal for me. And I'd never asked Ranger to do what he did. I wouldn't this time, either. If he didn't know, Ranger couldn't hold me back, and I wouldn't risk him getting blood on his hands for me again. This was the only way.

I was hoping asshole would call again, I'd be ready that time.

I had that out-of-body feeling again as I walked into the kitchen and got my revolver out of the cookie jar, checking it for bullets. The need for revenge had taken over, I'd found a way to replace despair.

I held up the gun and pointed it at the door, imagining the caller to walk through it. Where would I shoot him? Where would I cause maximum pain, but wouldn't kill him right away? I was planning on emptying all six bullets into him, no empty chamber for safety this time, hopefully leaving him to bleed to a slow and painful death. A smile crept onto my face at the thought. I had never liked guns, but for the first time, the .38 felt comfortable in my hand. It was the means to an end.

"I'll get even, Joe," I whispered.