I Surrender

by Gibs

A 'postfinale' fic that I wrote in 2005 and am posting here for the first time. Epilogue up 13 May HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!

13. Chapter 13

A/N: Please forgive Mac right now - she's got pregnancy hormones really bad!;0) And for those of you who might not have experienced them and don't believe how easily they can make you cry at the drop of a hat... well remember that Pampers commercial where the mama elephant helps the baby elephant over the log with her trunk?... made me bawl every time! LOL

PART 13

HARM AND MAC'S HOUSE
MELROSE ROAD
WILLESDEN GREEN, NW2
15 SEPTEMBER 2005
1140 ZULU

Mac stared at the wall for pretty close to an hour – 57 minutes at least, but her internal clock was actually failing her tonight. She was terrified. Her mind wouldn't work – it was as if it was stuck in mud. She was upset that Mic's death could have possibly been a suicide – it didn't make any sense. Mic had been an optimist in the most extreme sense of the word. She couldn't imagine anything that could have depressed him that much.

Briefly, she was terrified by the idea that it may have been because of her, but Mic had died close to two years after she'd last seen him – it didn't make sense that she could have been the reason. All of this was causing her mind to spin in confusion, but the fear that had gripped her entire being was because of the curse. If the curse was real, that meant that it would take Harm. Every time this thought occurred to her, it was as if someone had tightened a noose around her neck. Her breath barely passed through her throat without her forcing it. She had to concentrate not to hyperventilate. She couldn't possibly live without Harm. She had spent years near him without having him and it had been torture enough. To no longer have his strong presence to guide her through life was not an option. She knew it was the hormones, but some thought in the back of her mind reasoned that she might be able to fool fate if she shut Harm out. If fate didn't see how much she loved him, maybe they would leave him alone. Another part of her mind knew this was not a viable option – she simply would not be able to resist Harm for long – they were like magnets drawn to each other – and each were powerless to stop the pull. Besides, fate would know. For now, however – now that her mind was mired in other thoughts, it seemed like the only possible scenario. God, she wished he would fall asleep – she could feel his gaze boring into the back of her neck – drawing her to him. She let her tears fall silently and tried desperately not to make a sound.

HARM'S OFFICE
NLSO BROFF, U.S. NAVY BUILDING
JUST OFF GROSVENOR SQUARE, W1Y
16 SEPTEMBER 2005
0615 ZULU

Lance Corporal MacRae entered his CO's office and stopped short with surprise. Snapping to attention he uttered a surprised apology.

"Pardon the intrusion, Captain. I didn't realize you were in already, sir. I was just going to place some files on your desk…"

"That's alright, MacRae." Harm replied quietly. "I couldn't sleep so I decided to come in a little early."

"If I may say so, sir – you might want to consider your sleeping habits. Come the end of January you're not going to have much sleep ever again."

Harm tried to smile but didn't quite manage it convincingly, "So I hear, Iain – so I hear."

The Marine was slightly taken aback. His CO had never referred to him by his Christian name – he wasn't even aware he knew what it was. He felt a moment of compassion as he realized there was something upsetting his boss – most likely the Commander Brumby incident. The Captain looked so forlorn and tired. The young Marine reasoned they must have been good mates at one point.

"Would you please send Second Lieutenant Burroughs in when he arrives, please?"

"Aye, aye, sir!" MacRae exited the office and made a mental note to try to cheer his boss up. He of course did the only logical thing he could think of at the time - he brought him a cup of tea.

"Thanks, Iain." Harm smiled a little more convincingly this time. "You didn't have to do that, you know."

MacRae just gave him a nod and a wink and snapped to attention. "Good for what ails you, sir - or so ol' Nan used to say." He turned on his heel and was gone.

Harm had to admit, the tea sure did feel good. He couldn't remember having a worse night sleep. The only worse one in recent memory was the night that Mac and Webb had gone missing in Paraguay. He tried to shut that particular memory out.

Harm had finally given up trying to sleep at about 0415 that morning and – convinced that Mac had dropped off – he had opted to beat the rush hour crowd to work. It was actually a treat not to have been crammed into the tube train like a sardine this morning, but it didn't make up for the pain he was feeling over Mac. He was roused from his musing by the sound of the intercom;

"Second Lieutenant Burroughs to see you, sir."

Harm made a note of the time – 0710. This young officer seemed to be pretty on the ball if he was here so early. He wondered if it was a fluke or if he was always in this early.

"Send him in."

"Sir!" the Royal Marine Officer came to attention in front of his desk and Harm was surprised to see he was not quite as young as he assumed him to be judging by his rank. Harm had been introduced to all the officers under his command when he first arrived, but he hadn't had a chance to interact with all of them. 2nd Lieutenant Burroughs had been on a carrier for the majority of Harm's time here, and he was only posted back barely two weeks ago.

"Burroughs, I have a little assignment for you that I don't want you to spend a lot of time with…" Harm got up and walked over to the window, wondering how to properly phrase this. He didn't remember Admiral Chegwidden often calling on his officers to perform personal business for him – Harm had been by far the worst offender for that in his past – and he figured that now he was in a more senior position, his old behaviour should be a lot less tolerated. He needed this one though and mentally promised himself he wouldn't make it a habit. "...basically, I need to ask you a little personal favour." He turned to the young officer who was still standing at attention. "At ease – please. Have a seat." Harm indicated the chair.

"Sir…" Burroughs spoke up. "If you need a favour… I don't mind at all." He was a little surprised, but hadn't yet formed an opinion about his CO and wanted to gain some 'brownie points' if he at all could.

Harm attempted a smile again but he was having problems with that this morning. "Thanks – I appreciate that. Basically, I just found out that… well someone I used to be acquainted with – who was previously posted here – died a couple of years ago. You see, I hadn't heard about it until just now and… well, I just don't like the sounds of the explanation of his death. I was wondering if you'd be able to dig me out the files he was involved in during his stint here?"

"You're speaking of Commander Brumby, sir?"

Harm was a little surprised, "You knew him? I didn't figure you would have been here at the time…"

"…judging by my rank, sir?"

Harm smiled again.

"Well sir – I guess my pers file hasn't caught up with me yet from the Invincible. When you read it you'll understand. I was…" he cleared his throat uncomfortably, "… I was busted in rank, sir."

"Really?" Harm was a little surprised.

"Yes sir. I was a Captain at the time Commander Brumby was here."

"I see." Harm nodded. That would explain his apparent lack of 'youth'. Unfortunately, Harm just wasn't in the mood to get into this right now. "Well, you'll have to tell me all about it sometime." Harm raised his eyebrow suggestively at the officer.

"Yes sir – you just say the word, sir."

"I will. Meanwhile, it looks like I asked the right junior officer to help me out, doesn't it?"

"The perfect one, sir." Burroughs suppressed a smile.

That couldn't help but make Harm smile. "Dismissed."

"Aye, sir. I'll get you those files ASAP."

"I appreciate it… and Burroughs…?"

"Sir?"

"Office work comes first remember."

"Of course, sir."

Harm smiled. He liked this Officer already. He wondered what he possibly could have done to get himself taken down in rank.

HARM AND MAC'S HOUSE
MELROSE ROAD
WILLESDEN GREEN, NW2
16 SEPTEMBER 2005
0615 ZULU

Mac awakened at her usual time to find Harm gone. Her heart dropped to her stomach – it wasn't so much the feeling that he had abandoned her, but that she didn't know where he was... didn't know if she had just seen him for the last time... Damn it – she had to stop thinking like this – it was nonsense and she knew it. She was just feeling sorry for herself – it had to be the hormones. Pampers commercials were starting to make her cry – it's no wonder this was throwing her body into turmoil. She knew she somehow had to convince herself that there was no curse and it would not soon come for Harm.

She padded softly to the kitchen to make some coffee, feeling the unmistakable gaping hole in the existence she had known with Harm up to this point. Mornings had become one of her favourite parts of the day. The initial rush of waking up in his arms – sometimes still having to remind herself that it was real. Their morning kitchen routine of making coffee and bagels or whatever they chose – lightly bantering each other with their words, but silently grinning at each other and offering little caresses in passing as they manoeuvred around in the small kitchen. Then they would kiss each other good-bye before leaving the house – because still being in uniform, they couldn't say a proper good bye outside of it. Sometimes that part was hard – having to say goodbye to him without a kiss or any kind of touch. They still had their silent communication though, and Mac knew what he was saying with his eyes. Just to be sure though, he always leaned into her ear and whispered a husky "I love you" through the window of their car. She always took their little Alpha Romeo to work because she worked a good 12 kilometres outside of town. Harm worked right downtown and it was much easier for him to take the Tube.

She saw the note leaning up against the kettle on the counter. "Went to work early. I'm sorry. Love, H."

The note brought tears to her eyes. What did he have to be sorry about? It was just so like him to take the blame on himself when he didn't share any of it. How he could be so cocky sometimes and yet so blatantly insecure at others… she had no idea.

She wondered what he was feeling about her reaction yesterday. Did he hate her? Was he angry? Had she blown it for them? She knew she should have opened up to him – shouldn't have shut him out – but she couldn't help it. Maybe it wouldn't be too late to make it up to him. She made a mental note to call him from her office as soon as she got there.

HARM'S OFFICE
NLSO BROFF, U.S. NAVY BUILDING
JUST OFF GROSVENOR SQUARE, W1Y
16 SEPTEMBER 2005
0915 ZULU

Harm sat at his large oak desk feeling lost. Burroughs had brought him the files he'd asked for several minutes ago, but Harm couldn't bring himself to open one of them. He wasn't sure why – maybe just seeing Brumby's reports would bring back memories of horrible, unhappy times – maybe he just felt he should wait for Mac to look through them with him. Briefly, he considered calling her at work – making sure she got there alright. He painfully missed their morning routine this morning. Missed kissing her good morning and chasing her around the kitchen. Mostly he missed kissing her goodbye.

The intercom rattled him to consciousness. "Colonel Rabb on line two, sir."

Harm pounced on the telephone before he could collect his thoughts. "Mac!"

"Harm?"

Harm had to forcefully keep his voice under control – he thought he might have just freaked her out. "Mac," he said softly and with concern, "…are you OK?"

Harm's sincerity brought tears to her eyes. 'Damn it' she thought, 'what doesn't bring tears to my eyes these days?' "I'm sorry for last night, Harm."

"Mac… it's…"

"No, don't say it's OK because it's not."

Harm opted not to say anything at all. He just waited for her to continue.

"I promised you that we were through with shutting each other out, and I just did it again."

"Mac…" Now he just didn't know what to say. He wished he could just hold her and have her look into his eyes so she could see he understood.

"I'm going to ask for a couple of days off, Harm."

"I think that's a good idea."

"Yeah, I'm a little distracted right now."

"I understand, Mac."

"I know you do, Harm."

A long silence followed.

"I got the files, Mac."

"OK – thanks. Do you mind not looking at them until tonight? I'd like to do this together."

Harm felt hopeful – at least she wanted to do something together. "No problem." Harm actually felt relieved. He wasn't looking forward to digging up the Brumby memories at all.

"OK – I'll see you tonight."

"OK."

"And Harm?"

"Yeah?"

"I love you."

Harm let out a relieved breath, but tried not to make it too audible. "I love you too, sweetheart."

Harm hung up the receiver and stared at it. How the hell was he supposed to get any work done now? He yawned and hit the intercom button. "MacRae?"

"Aye, sir."

"I hate to do this to you, but…"

"More tea, sir?"

Harm just smiled. He was starting to become very fond of this young Scot. "Well, since you offered…"

HARM AND MAC'S HOUSE
MELROSE ROAD
WILLESDEN GREEN, NW2
16 SEPTEMBER 2005
1815 ZULU

Harm was starting to get concerned. Mac should have been home a half hour ago. He was eager to see her tonight – hoping for a resolution to their current relationship snag – and it was making time pass incredibly slowly.

Mac was less than two blocks away when the song came over the radio. She had been thinking the whole way home about how lucky she had been to have Harm as her soul mate – as soul mates go – he was a pretty good catch. The thought made her smile for a second until she was suddenly overwhelmed with emotion. Harm was definitely her 'rock' in life and she was so thankful for him that she sometimes couldn't fathom that he was hers. She refused to think those words 'she didn't deserve him' anymore, but sometimes she just couldn't help feeling that way – and then suddenly she would turn around and cause him pain as she had last night, just like that. She honestly wondered what she was thinking sometimes. "Oh yes," she reminded herself, "You were thinking that the curse would get him and you'd be left trying to survive without him – trying to raise yet another Rabb child who would grow up without his father." She stifled a sob that suddenly threatened to overtake her – she wouldn't let herself think that way. But then it happened, a song came over the radio that shattered her ability to hold it together – the words were just too fitting. Silently she cursed her rampaging hormones, and then, as she swung into the driveway, all defences fell and she broke down completely – the words of the song still ringing in her ears as she sobbed uncontrollably.

'...I get mad so easy but you give me room to breathe
No matter what I say or do 'cause you're too good to fight about it
Even when I have to push just to see how far you'll go
You wont stoop down to battle but you never turn to go

You stay the course you hold the line you keep it all together
You're the one true thing I know I can believe in
You're all the things that I desire, you save me, you complete me
You're the one true thing I know I can believe

Your love is just the antidote when nothing else will cure me
There are times I cant decide when I cant tell up from down
You make me feel less crazy when otherwise I'd drown
But you pick me up and brush me off and tell me I'm OK
Sometimes that's just what we need to get us through the day…'

Harm's heart jumped into his throat when he looked out the window and saw Mac slumped against the steering wheel. He was outside and to the car before he even realized how he got there.

"Mac?!" he massaged her shoulder through the window of the car, watching helplessly as she sobbed. "Mac baby, please…" This only caused her to break down even further. He thought his heart was going to break apart right then and there.

"OK sweetheart – let's get you inside." He opened the car door and guided her up by the shoulders. She faltered a few times – as if her legs weren't quite strong enough to hold her – but Harm held her tightly against him and managed to get her inside the house to the couch. He sat her down and then just held her against him, waiting for the sobs to subside. He found himself kissing her hair, her eyes, her tear stained cheeks, but then held himself back. 'God I'm such a jerk' he thought. 'Here she is sobbing her eyes out and I'm trying to take advantage of her.' He consciously made an effort to stop, but it was almost impossible. Mauling her every chance he got was an automatic reaction when it came to Mac now.

Mac cried for so long and so hard that she eventually fell asleep. Harm didn't have the heart to move her, so he simply pulled her back against him and leaned against the arm of the sofa, despite his hunger. He had to stifle a laugh – if he was hungry, he could only imagine how hungry his now pregnant Marine would be. She normally ate for two – now that she was pregnant she ate for at least three. As the strain of last night and today temporarily relaxed, he drifted off to sleep himself.

TBC

"Push" words and music by Sarah McLachlan from the album 'Afterglow'