One day Luke came home and took me to the bedroom so that we could speak privately.
He said he had brought something home for me to use. Into the bedroom we went and sat down on the bed.
"Sarah," he began gruffly, "I'm no longer a young man." He said sighing as he spoke.
"And," he continued, "You know that we've always had trouble keeping us and the kids fed"
As I sat there in practiced silence I wondered what was coming next.
"I've been to a doctor and tole him about our situation and he prescribed these here pills for you to take."
As I sat there I waited dully for him to finish, so he didn't want any more children from me, that much was plain.
I didn't speak up to tell him how badly I wanted another, how I somehow knew that this time it would be the child I had been praying for.
No, this man cared little for my opinion so I sat quietly and stared at my hands thinking my own thoughts to myself.
"SARAH!" He barked. I jumped, scared to be caught not paying attention, "have you been listening to me woman?" "No way - no how can we have anymore kids, we got too many as it is." "So take these here pills and take 'em just like I said one each and every day."
He handed me the box that the pills came in and as I reached my hand out to put them on an old nailed up shelf he said "No time like the present, better get yourself a glass of water, you can start taking them right now."
I did as I was told wordlessly, he watched me drink the tablet down.
"Good good," he said. "I gotta go now, you remember that it's your job to remember those pills everyday even though I won't be here to remind ya."
He seemed in higher spirits after that, "Listen I'm not staying for dinner so you get on and take care of the kids while I'm gone."
Oh God, I moaned to myself, God God, didn't he see my need for him on my face? Couldn't he sense my need?
I felt myself blush all over, I wanted him, I wanted him to stay and be a husband to me tonight.
"But Luke ya been away for 2 weeks and you've been home for less than an hour, why can't you stay for dinner?" I couldn't keep the wistful almost sad tone from my voice.
"No, I'd like to stay, really I would but I got me some business to do in town, it'll take me a few more weeks to get this here deal I got up and running"
My heart sank, all those lonely nights broken only by the briefest of visits, all I had to look forward to now was another lonely few weeks.
No sooner did I think my sad and lonely thoughts than he was up on his feet and making his way over to the door where he stood looking out toward his truck, he sighed and looked back briefly.
"Bye ma... pa," he said looking over to where his parents sat quietly.
I walked wearily over to kiss him goodbye, he hugged me briefly and kissed me quickly on the lips.
I tried to look into his eyes but he was eager to get away and had begun to look over to his truck again. He pulled himself out of my embrace and made his way through the noisy kids and the animals which were frisking around his truck.
Tom tore himself away from his friends and approached his father - "ya coming back later on tonight pa?" He asked.
"Naw,' he said gruffly ruffling Tom's hair, "got too much stuff to do in town, you'll have to wait another coupla weeks 'til you see me again"
"Awww dad," but Tom had only begun to complain but Luke was already in the truck and heading off down the dirt driveway.
I kept my eyes fixed on his departing vehicle until it had almost left my sight completely, briefly I glanced over to where Heaven was standing in the middle of hanging out the freshly washed clothes, she too had been staring at Luke's leaving, perhaps even more wistfully than I had been.
I turned and headed back inside the cold house, I began to cook dinner.