That night alone I cried softly into my coarse pillow. I cried because I was lonely and hungry for love. I cried because I was overburdened with responsibilities, finally I cried for the future, my life stretching out before me endless lonely days filled with more of the same bleakness.
When my crying ceased it was replaced by new thoughts, a new dream of love. A small spot of belief flamed sharply, my eyes widened and I gasped with the realisation of the simplicity of it all.
A baby, a new baby. Luke didn't want more children but I knew he loved all of ours, maybe he didn't love Heaven, but he loved Tom especially well, a boy, his eldest son. If only I could have a dark headed son Luke would have to look at me with new eyes, a new respect, a new love.
It had been so many years since I had held a babe in my arms, I knew it would give both Luke and I a new lease, a new reason to struggle, love and be together.
For the first time in months I felt truly happy again, I smiled to myself and snuggled down to sleep the last few hours 'til dawn.
The next day was a school day for the children. I rose slowly from the bed, stretching and after collecting more wood for the stove I cooked them all a breakfast of fried taters, biscuits and gravy from the rations Luke had brought us yesterday.
The children were noisy as usual, but I hardly heard them at all, I had too much on my mind, I was glad when they finally left for their long trek to the school.
I began the housework with a renewed vigour, I hummed while I worked, and after I had done all of my usual morning chores I took a brisk walk into the woods. It was still quite cold but I hoped for some flowers to match my mood and cheer up the cabin. I picked a tiny bunch of pink and red wildflowers and walked slowly back to the cabin to put them in water.
After I had finished the housework I began to work in the garden, in this small way I was able to contribute to our meal times. Unfortunately nothing grew very well in our yard, mostly because the topsoil was washed down the mountain. Another reason was the fact that before me Luke's' mother had done just as I was doing every year for the forty years of her youth. All we had to fertilise the cold hard ground was chicken manure - from the occasional chickens we had.
That night I felt tired, after dinner I sat quietly at the scrubbed plank table and looked around me with new eyes.
I saw again the small 2 roomed cabin for what it really was - my world, the home of my family - the Casteel legacy.
I felt blessed for the first time in years.
Luke was still a handsome man, my children were beautiful - our son was strong.
Our Jane began to cough, reminding me of the spectre of her never ending ill health, but in spite of that I was still had gratitude.
I went over to Granny to make sure she was comfortable and as I tucked her shawls around her bony shoulders she whispered "Lookin' mighty happy Sarah - ya haven't taken a nip of ole moonshine have ya?" She began to cackle in her strange way - but this only gave way to a paroxysm of coughing which seemed to make her age right before my eyes.
"Hush now," I whispered sharply, I was annoyed that she would find my happiness something to laugh about.
"Heaven," I called.
"Yes Ma," she answered.
"Will you please help me with the bed pallets?"
Wordlessly she put Our Jane from her lap and got up to help me.
Quietly I helped ease Granny from her rocker while Heaven put the 2 little ones to bed. Then together we both made Grandpa as comfortable on his pallet as possible. Tom filled the stove with more wood and we all said our prayers and lay down to sleep.
I lay awake for a few minutes and thought about the future, I could only imagine that as we grew older Luke would stay home more. Luke and I would take Ma and Pas' place and Tom and his wife would be the ones to take care of us in our old age.
This thought made me happy and I went to sleep with a smile on my lips.
It was about 3 weeks before Luke came home again, he didn't seem to be too happy to be home.
I tried to be cheerful but my mood struggled under the weight of his. He sat down on one of our few chairs and stared moodily around him until I saw his eyelids grow heavy and he napped for a few hours before dinner.
I felt hurt and upset that he hadn't bothered to ask me how I was or even to greet me properly.
Yes, I was angry, I had waited and waited for him and made myself believe that he wanted to be here at home with his family. I didn't like to see any proof to the opposite.
I felt anger but it was no good, I knew that if I didn't treat Luke with respect he would be out that door faster than lightening.
Wearily I began to undress Our Jane for her Saturday night bath while Heaven cooked the meal for all of us.
We all bathed that night for the next day was Sunday. Luke was here to take us all down to the church in his truck as a family.