In my mind I had a picture that I was aiming for, but first I knew that I had to get away, run, run, run before Luke found me, before Tom did. I knew my first responsibility to myself was to get out of the Willies and out of Winnerow as fast as I could.
I travelled the well worn path down into Winnerow as if I were being chased; I was too busy hurrying to think about anything.
Finally I made it to Winnerow and I hurried through the neat and tidy streets where so much hatred and prejudice lay sleeping inside those pretty houses.
As I approached the end of Main St I didn't feel any doubts about which roads to take, I went straight ahead.
Once I was past the outskirts of the town I felt like I could breathe again, my chest was still tight with exertion and fear but nothing tasted better than those first few breaths.
My mind went back to the cabin and momentarily I felt a terrible surge of fear, suddenly I felt weak and I leaned against a tree. I imagined the forms of the sleeping children and the familiar surroundings - everything I had ever known and I suddenly felt scared of just what may lay ahead.
I banished these thoughts from my mind and continued on walking, I decided not to sleep because I was too afraid those frightening thoughts would return.
The new day was born and it saw me lost in the daylight.
The things I had expected outside of Winnerow were not there, just this endless road and nowhere to aim for. I had expected many houses, maybe a city, I had pondered many a time at just what lay outside of my own small existence. In my more recent dreams I imagined finding a job and becoming a wife again to someone completely unlike Luke in every way.
But now reality had set in, I was hungry and I didn't know where to go for food.
I walked off the road and sat down out of sight of any cars that might pass by and considered my predicament. I could go back carefully and see my sister, Darla, making sure none of her family saw me and hoped that she would have not only food but also some idea of where I could turn. But we had never been close and it would be difficult, perhaps too difficult for me to ask this favour of her. Truthfully, I barely knew Darla beyond the fact that I knew she was my sister, she had been off and married by the time I was 5 years old, after that she was busy with her own large family - I didn't even know exactly how many children she had.
Besides she was a country girl just like me, she would know only as much as I did.
No, I thought I had relied on Luke for my entire adult life and it had gotten me nowhere, I thought of it as a step backwards to crawl back to beg help and advice from a sister I hardly knew - besides what if her advice to me was to go back? I shivered at the thought.
I stood up and began to walk at a brisk pace toward my future.
It wasn't long before I had mapped out a simple plan for myself, I would find a place in the sun, I would find work and eventually love, I decided upon a whim that I wanted to live by the sea, a sea that I had only heard of.
This brand new desire was born mostly out of fear, Luke would be trying to find me and I just didn't know how far his influence reached - could he find me? How easily would it be for him to catch me, to beat me, to force me to return? More likely he would kill me if he found me.
But I just couldn't stand around and wait for anything like that to happen, getting away had to be my only thought and the focus of my every waking moment.
The day was beautiful, it was as if the world and the powers under which it exists were encouraging me onwards towards the future, my future - one in which I would be wise enough to make into something too wonderful to even dream about. I just knew it felt good to finally breathe again, no longer under the weight of too many hardships and too much misery... all of the pain which fate had decided that I needed.
I walked briskly down the paved street following the only path I knew - the one in my heart, I saw many houses and I gazed upon them in wonder, as I had always done, I wondered just what it would be like to live, love and work within the walls of such grand homes, one day I hoped I would know all of this.
Now I had to look forward to a future carved with my own strength and fortitude, I had doubts about myself - had 14 years of struggle and poverty equipped me with the skills I needed for a new life and a new world which I knew nearly nothing of?
My heart was starting to feel frightened, was I doing the right thing? I wasn't sorry that I had left Luke or even the kids... I no longer had fears concerning them at all, I still felt sick when I thought back - ugh I shuddered...
I spent an hour just sitting in a park with my back against a tree frightening myself with what I didn't know.
I was wearing a dress that was once a pale blue colour but was now mostly grey, I still liked it but the hem was coming down - it had been that way for months. Until now I had had no desire to repair it, the dress was formless - I had worn this same dress during my pregnancy, but I quickly banished the thought of my final pregnancy from my mind.
I began to let my gaze drift across the people walking through the park - mostly people dressed in long slacks and sweaters, everybody looked clean and nobody had clothes as old and worn as mine, I felt an icy hand of fear grip me as I realised this for the first time.
As the contrast between my clothes and the clothes of the people around me became clearer I felt worse and worse I was feeling hungry and tired too.
I sat and watched all those people, some in groups, and all belonging to each other - having lives and homes and places to go. I felt sad, envious and frightened too. I was frightened because I thought maybe I would never have those things again. Fear seemed to be my constant companion these days, to be all alone with no idea what the present will bring let alone the future - it is a frightening prospect for anyone to endure.
I worried myself into sleep... a fitful sleep where I could not find the peace I was seeking.
My mad rush to leave was over. All I had now was the wind at my back and my determination to survive in a world that had stolen my youth and tried to destroy me, a world where the man who had meant everything to me had lied, betrayed and humiliated me to the point of madness.
I kept all thoughts but selfish ones from my mind, I intended never to think of Luke or even my children ever again. I had successfully banished their memories from my heart and mind back at that god-forsaken cabin on the hillside.
In a small township at least 50 miles from Winnerow I found work scrubbing out old soy bins for an old farmer who's wife had taken pity on me. Their farm was beautiful, I loved to look out over the fields as I paused in my work, the broad grassy fields were spotted with colour, it made my heart ache. It was a beauty all of it's own so very different from the landscape of the mountains. I had several days of difficult work, but I had a comfortable place to sleep and Emma, the farmers wife and I became friendly, we spent our few evenings together. She seemed very quiet and thoughtful as she perused my form, it seemed she could see something of interest to her within me.
I avoided her gaze each time she tried looking into my eyes. She seemed intent on uncovering the secrets she sensed were hiding there.
On the final night of my stay Emma insisted upon brushing my hair and dusting my complexion with her compact, "You work too hard Sarah," she rebuked – "Look at your hands!" "Tsk tsk, why on Earth didn't you ask for some of my hand lotion?" She exclaimed.
I looked down thinking she was silly to mention hand cream I felt amused in spite of myself – the state of my hands was the least of my troubles. I turned them over in my lap.
"Let's see," she demanded holding her hand out to take mine, she began to rub them vigorously with beautifully scented cream. "My mother worked hard everyday of her life but she never forgot that she was a lady," Emma chided. I smiled weakly in response.
"And your face, we mustn't forget your beautiful face!" she enthused. And with this she began to use a rich cream from a pale pink tube to touch over my face gently, remarked how youthful I looked and how beautiful
"How old are you Sarah?"
"Twenty- Nine" I whispered.
"Ah lovely – a lovely young age to be indeed, and you don't look a day over twenty!" she decided. She then began to sweep my hair up next using mysterious methods to twist and pin it into place, she finished off by pulling gently at the hair too short to join the rest and curling it gently around her fingers, "There!" she said when she was finished "Look" she ordered, handing me an ornate handled mirror.
I looked briefly, pretending to be pleased in order to humour her – I knew what I looked like after all, a little bit of skin cream and a light dusting of powder was not going to make much difference to my looks. I smiled at her to show her my gratitude and she smiled back sadly.
"Oh Sarah..." she whispered sadly.